Green Stockings: A Comedy in Three Acts

Raleigh. Half past ten! I thought Colonel Vavasour's train left at ten, Miss Faraday.

Celia. (Confused) Oh, did it?

Smith. (Coolly) Well, didn't it? And in any case, Mr. Faraday's clock is wrong.

Steele. (Taking out his watch) Wrong? Not a bit of it.

Raleigh. (Also takes out his watch) I make it ten thirty-two. (Ironically) Perhaps your watch will correct me, Colonel Vavasour.

Smith. (Crosses R.C. Absent-mindedly feels for his watch and starts as he realizes his mistake. Celia sees this and the true situation flashes on her. She swings up stage for a moment to cover her shock and embarrassment and then returns and faces Smith, as she leans against the chair L. of table. Raleigh and Steele have turned to each other and are discussing the situation, for the moment ignoring Celia and Smith. As Celia faces Smith, he flounders through his explanation) Well, you see, I-I-I-I-I left my watch in town to be cleaned. It ran too fast.

Celia. (Sarcastically) Like the inventive genius of its owner, perhaps, and your scarf pin; no doubt, you've taken advantage of this period of mourning to have all your jewelry attended to. (Turns away R.)

Smith. Miss Faraday, please-

Celia. (Turning back) Colonel Vavasour, I think you said your name was. You will allow me, won't you, to lend you the watch you so kindly brought from poor Colonel Smith. Otherwise, you know, you might be a very long time without your own, and since your grief must now be lessened, by having shared it with me, perhaps you might be induced to mitigate your mourning and wear his pin. Do let me send them to you. And I'll include a little nursery fable which perhaps you know, called, "The Tortoise and the Hare," because I think-I've caught up. Now, I'll say good-night to you, Colonel Vavasour, and good-bye.

Smith. (Seriously) Good-bye?

Celia. (Moving to C. and speaking to Raleigh) There is a midnight train to town?

Raleigh. Oh, yes.

Celia. (To Smith) I'm quite sure that Mr. Steele and Mr. Raleigh will be happy to drop you at the station on their way home.

Steele. Delighted!

Celia. (To Raleigh, shaking hands) So sorry to hurry you away.

Raleigh. Oh, I shall see you to-morrow, Miss Faraday.

Celia. Yes, do. (Nods good-night to Steele.)

Aunt Ida. (Who is still at desk, her head resting wearily on her hands. Sleepily) Everybody going?

Celia. (Crosses L.) Yes, dear, Colonel Vavasour is. (Crosses to Aunt Ida.)

Smith. Is there nothing left unsaid? Is there nothing left for me to say but good-bye?

Celia. (Over her shoulder) Nothing.

Smith. (Bows. Speaks in a brisk, matter-of-fact way, as he crosses C.D.) Well, since you two fellows are kind enough to offer me a lift. (Exits, followed by Raleigh and Steele, who go off, chatting ad lib. and closing door.)

(WARN Electrician for lights out.)

Celia. (Tearing off her black shawl, waving it in the air, and throwing herself in the chair L. of table, her back to the audience, disclosing her gay and decollete bodice) Oh-h-h-h-h! Oh-h-h-h-h! Oh-h-h-h-h! Oh-h-h-h-h!

Aunt Ida. (Going to Celia) Celia, what have you been up to now?

Celia. Oh, when I think of it, Aunt Ida! "The Arab dhows riding at their anchors," and how I told him- Oh, Heavens-how I told him he ought to marry. Oh-h-h-h-h! Oh-h-h-h-h!

Aunt Ida. Celia Faraday! (Goes up to her and catches her by both shoulders) Are you mad? I vow I've a great mind to shake you.

Celia. I wish you would, Aunt Ida. I wish you would. (Looking toward door R.) I don't believe it. I don't believe it. I don't believe what I do believe. For Heaven's sake, dear, go and fetch me the army list, so that I may make sure of what an awful fool I've been, and if what I believe is true, let me sit like this in the dark. (Goes up and presses switch and sits in chair L. of door. Lights out.) – All the rest of my life and blush and blush and blush until my cheeks drop off from blushing.

(Aunt Ida comes L. of Celia's chair. There is only the moonlight now in the morning room, with a shaft of moonlight shining through window R. on Celia. The library, seen through the wide open doors, is lit up by the glow from the fire.)

Aunt Ida. Are you mad? (Starts to exit to get army list. Sees Smith and draws away R.) Hush-sh-sh-sh!

(Smith in an ulster is seen to cross cautiously at back to table. He lights two or three matches at once and looks through book-slide for army list. Finding this, he takes it and smiles in a satisfied manner, and holding the match to the list, moves off stage R. Celia and Aunt Ida peer after him. A flicker is seen on the walls and furniture of the room off stage, as of the book burning. After a pause, Celia rises and stands C. in doorway, facing audience.)

Celia. The army list!

Aunt Ida. Now he's thrown the army list into the fire. (Ready motor horn.) Celia-has Colonel Vavasour gone mad too?

Celia. So! He thinks he can prevent my finding out, does he? That I can't be absolutely sure until to-morrow? Well (Rushes off R.)

Aunt Ida. Perhaps we are all mad-mad as hatters. (Goes R. and presses light switch.)

(LIGHTS Up.)

Celia. (Off stage) Army lists don't burn as suddenly as that, I know. (At door) I have burned too many of them. (Reappears, carrying the partly burned army list in tongs. She comes in blowing at the burning book) Blow, Aunt Ida, blow! (Aunt Ida joins her. They both blow to put out the sparks.) Only the A's are burnt, Aunt Ida, only the A's. (Goes down L. of table, drops book on table, and hands the tongs to Aunt Ida.)

Aunt Ida. (Waving the tongs) Only the A's! Ha! Ha! Only the A's!

(Motor horn is heard off R.3.)

Celia. What's that, Aunt Ida, what's that?

Aunt Ida. It's Mr. Raleigh's motor.

Celia. (With an outburst of relief) Well, then, he's gone, isn't he, he's gone.

Aunt Ida. Yes, he's gone, he's gone!

Celia. (Picks up book and runs through it) V-V-V-V-V- Vallance-Valpey-Vanderfeldt-Varley-not a Vavasour.

Aunt Ida. Celia!

Celia. (Throwing down book) Not one in the whole army list. No? Not the tiniest little bit of a one.

Aunt Ida. (Flourishing tongs more wildly) Then who is he? What did he come here for?

Celia. I don't know, but he's gone now, isn't he? He's gone!

Aunt Ida. I know he's gone, but what did he come here for? (Celia looks at her. A light breaks over her.) Celia Faraday! That man-had your letter-in his pocket. He told Phyllis he had your letter! I thought it strange! Then Colonel Vavasour isn't Colonel Vavasour. (Sits R. of C. table.)

Celia. No!

Aunt Ida. He's Colonel Smith.

Celia. Yes.

Aunt Ida. He's-

Celia. (In the smallest possible voice) – Mr. Wobbles! (Enter Faraday R.IE.) Father, dear, has Colonel Vavasour gone?

Faraday. No, my dear.

Celia. What!!!!

Faraday. I was fortunate enough to catch him at the door.

(Aunt Ida drops tongs on floor beside her R.)

Celia. But, Father, what ever possessed you to ask him to stay? (Crosses L. Sits.)

Faraday. You know he offered to help us. Things are looking pretty black for Tarver. We need all the help we can get at this mass meeting in the morning. So I have persuaded Colonel Vavasour to stop over and take the noon train.

(Faraday turns toward door R.I and proudly ushers in Smith. Celia and Aunt Ida turn their heads away, much discomfited.)

Faraday. (Taking Smith by the arm and passing him across him) A room must be prepared at once. Has Mrs. Brown gone to bed yet?

Celia. (Still seated L. of table. Haughtily) I don't know, Father. She frequently goes to bed.

Faraday. Eh?

Celia. (Confused) I mean, early.

Faraday. (As Smith goes C.) Good-for-nothing old person, that housekeeper. Come with me. I'll look out for you myself. (They walk toward door C.) We'll be back presently, Celia, to say goodnight to you and your aunt. (They exit C. door to L. Off stage) Tell Martin to bring in whiskey and soda.

Celia. (After a pause) Did you hear that, Aunt Ida?

Aunt Ida. (Wearily) Uh-huh.

Celia. "Stay here for the night and then take the noon train." That's our train, Aunt Ida-the noon train. Isn't this an awful situation? Now, what are we going to do?

Aunt Ida. (Still more wearily) I don't know.

Celia. I can't face that man again, after-I can't. I have got to get out of this house myself, to-night, some way, somehow. (Rushes up to C. doors, closing and locking them.) How can I manage it? Think, Aunt Ida. Think-think-think-think-think.

Aunt Ida. (Disgustedly) Think-think-think-think-think. I can't think. My poor old head won't stand much more of this.

Celia. (Coming down back of Aunt Ida and putting her arms about her) I've got it. Since he's going to take our train, there's nothing left for us to do but take his.

Aunt Ida. (Startled) What?

Celia. Yes, that midnight train. I don't care where it goes or if it ever gets there. We'll manage to reach Southampton somehow before to-morrow night. The thing is to get away from here as quickly as possible. We must hurry terribly. It's nearly eleven now. We can have a compartment to ourselves. I'll see if Wilson is still at the station. (Crossing to telephone on desk) He'll tell us all about it.

Aunt Ida. (Protesting) I'm only half packed.

Celia. That doesn't matter. I'm not packed at all. Kent's a jewel. She will stay up all night, packing everything, and follow us in the morning. (Rings telephone and lifts off receiver) Hello! Are you there?

Aunt Ida. (Still protesting) My tailor suit has gone to the cleaner's and won't be home till morning. I've nothing to wear.

Celia. There is no time to wear anything. We must go without any clothes.

Aunt Ida. What!!

Celia. Except motor coats, I mean. We've got to go as we are. (Into telephone) Hello! Yes, put me through to the station, quick, please. I want to speak to Wilson. (To Aunt Ida) Now, don't worry, Aunt Ida, I will bundle you up warmly.

Aunt Ida. I'll have to have something to eat. I have had nothing since morning. I couldn't eat a bite at the dinner and I feel so gone and faint.

Celia. Well, if you're feeling faint, dear, take a drink of that brandy. That'll do you good.

Aunt Ida. Oh, no. I'm not addicted to the use of those things.

Celia. But, if you're faint, you need it. (Into the telephone) Hello! Hello! Is that you, Wilson?

Aunt Ida. But I do feel very faint.

Celia. Just a minute, Wilson. (Puts down receiver and runs across to brandy bottle, picks up bottle and pours it into whiskey and soda glass, while she talks excitedly. She pours the glass half full.) Now, please, dear. Don't be ridiculous at a time like this. You might have one of your dreadful fainting spells in the motor, and I shouldn't know what to do for you. Now, come, come, dear, drink this. (Rushes to the back of Aunt Ida's chair and holds the glass while she drinks. Aunt Ida drains the glass, making a wry face and shuddering. Celia hurriedly puts down glass and flies back to telephone.)

Aunt Ida. If only it doesn't go to my head!

Celia. Oh, it won't, it won't. (Into telephone) Hello, Wilson, are you there? Well, listen, this is Miss Faraday. Yes, yes, Miss Celia. I've got to get away to-night on the midnight train. It's most important and will you look up at once what connections that train makes for Southampton-yes, Southampton. Also please wire Bletchley, and have a compartment reserved for me. What? It will take you ten minutes? Please hurry. There is so little time to spare. (Replaces receiver.) Now we must get the motor. (Springs up from chair and goes up to bell-push L. of C. door, rings bell, runs down to R. of Aunt Ida and picks up the tongs from floor.) How do you feel now, Aunt Ida? How do you feel now?

Aunt Ida. Oh, I feel all right.

(Enter Martin R.I. He stands.)

Martin. Yes, Miss.

Celia. (Holding tongs) Oh, Martin, I want you to jump upstairs-

Martin. (In open amazement) Jump, Miss?

Celia. I said, "Jump" and tell Kent to give you two motor coats and any other kind of a wrap she can find, two motor bonnets, some veils and furs and some pins and my motor bag and-two toothbrushes. We are going for a drive.

Martin. A drive, Miss?

Celia. (Irritated) I said a drive. Will you hurry, please?

(READY Telephone.)

Martin. Very good, Miss. (Exit R.I.)

Aunt Ida. We can't have the motor. We couldn't have it to go to the Admiral's. It's broken.

Celia. (Putting tongs in the winged armchair) It wouldn't be a motor if it wasn't. Now what will we do? Oh, I'll get Jimmie Raleigh and he'll come back and take us down in his. (Goes to phone.) Hello! Hello! I wonder what the-(Aunt Ida squeals) – telephone number is. Oh, Aunt Ida, please do be quiet. You know you will make me nervous in a minute.

Aunt Ida. I'm not saying a word.

Celia. Hello! Hello! Give me Sir William Raleigh's house, please. Yes, I know the family is away, but I want to speak to Mr. James Raleigh. (Stuffs handkerchief in telephone receiver and turns to Aunt Ida.) Aunt Ida, tell me, do you know, are there any Smiths ranching in Chicago?

Aunt Ida. (Slightly tipsily) Smiths? Smiths? I don't know.

Celia. (Into telephone) What? He's not in? (Martin enters with wraps and bags. Crosses back of table to chair L. of table.) Well, have him ring me up directly he comes in-Miss Faraday. Yes, please. (Puts up telephone. Jumps up, goes to Martin, helps him place wraps on chair, takes bag and puts it on floor, beside and to the L. of chair R.)

(Note: The wraps must be placed across Martin's arms in the following manner: Celia's wrap on bottom, then her veil and bonnet. Next comes muff and fur for Aunt Ida. Then the ulster for Aunt Ida and on top her bonnet. The bag is in Martin's hand.)

Martin. (Going C. above table) Shan't I clear the table, Miss?

Celia. No, leave it till morning. Don't bother about anything. Go to bed, Martin, go to bed. Good-night.

Martin. Thank you, Miss. Good-night. (Goes L. and exits.)

Aunt Ida. You have forgotten the whiskey and soda.

Celia. (Seizes Aunt Ida's bonnet from pile of wraps and crosses to her above table) Of course I have. You don't suppose I'm going to have those two men back here until we're out of the way. (Placing bonnet on Aunt Ida's head from back) I don't want to hurry you, dear, but we must be ready the minute Mr. Raleigh gets here. (Celia is so excited that she gets Aunt Ida's bonnet on quite to one side, ties a rampant bow under her right ear, then flies up stage and peeps through curtain on door to see if the men are returning. Aunt Ida during this is showing serious signs of the effect of the brandy by grotesque gestures and movements of her head. Celia returns R. of Aunt Ida.) How do you feel now, Aunt Ida, how do you feel now?

Aunt Ida. (Quite tipsily) I never felt like this before in all my life. I think I've got a chill.

Celia. A chill? Do you want a little more brandy? (Goes for decanter.)

Aunt Ida. No-no-no-no.

Celia. (Seizing ulster and going back to her) Then get into this. It will keep you warm while you are waiting. (She helps Aunt Ida, who is still seated, into the ulster, her right arm first. She then rushes back to chair for fur and muff.)

Aunt Ida. (Flopping on table) Oh, Celia! Why do we have to go on this dreadful journey?

Celia. (Handing her muff over her shoulder, which Aunt Ida clutches and hugs like a child) To get to Chicago, dear, to get to Chicago! (Placing stole around her neck) And we'll be there almost before you realize it. (Telephone bell rings. Celia throws stole quickly around Aunt Ida's face, almost smothering her, and rushes to telephone.) Hello! – Hello! – What? – Yes, Mr. Raleigh. I did-Mr. Raleigh, Aunt Ida has just had a cable from Chicago with some very bad news.

Aunt Ida. Oh! Oh!

Celia. (To Aunt Ida) Hush! (Into telephone) And she has got to get away to-night on the midnight train. I want to go a little way with her. Won't you come and drive us to the station in your motor? – What? You will? Oh, that's very kind of you, but don't drive up to the door. (Aunt Ida rises, supporting herself on table.) No, stay down by the gate and we'll walk down. (Aunt Ida has moved cautiously around and walks over to the conservatory window.) Just blow your horn gently when you get here, so we'll know that you've arrived. We'll go down as quickly as we can. Yes. – Thanks. – Yes, yes. (Hangs up receiver and goes for her bonnet. Crosses below table to door R.) How do you feel now, Aunt Ida? How do you feel now?

Aunt Ida. I'm afraid it's a fever, or else I'm dreadfully over-heated. (Sits on stool.)

Celia. (Going to her) You'll be all right, once you're in the fresh air. But I've got to leave you for a few moments while I run upstairs and get my box of love letters. I can't go away and leave those things behind me. There are about two hundred and fifty of them by this time. (Going R.) I've been writing to that man every day for eight months.

Aunt Ida. Celia! (Celia stops. Beckons to her tipsily. Celia goes to her.) Do you know something, Celia. I believe you're half in love with Smith.

Celia. (Going back R.) You dear old goose, you don't know what you're talking about. I half in love with that man? Half in love with a man who has treated me as that man has done? Well-(Going further R.) – I hope I'm not quite such a fool as that, Aunt Ida.

Aunt Ida. Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Celia. (With her back to Aunt Ida) Well, and if I were? Isn't it all the more reason for me to get out of this house before I make a bigger fool of myself? (Goes to door R., which she barely opens when Aunt Ida stops her again.)

Aunt Ida. Celia!!! (Celia turns.) I believe-I ought to lie down.

Celia. (Lets the door slam to and rushes straight across the stage to Aunt Ida) No, Aunt Ida, dear, you can't do anything like that. You can sleep in the motor and in the train, but you must stay here while I'm gone and listen for Wilson's telephone message and write it down.

Aunt Ida. It's no use. Just five minutes. I must lie down.

Celia. I won't be a minute.

Aunt Ida. Now I'm getting cold. Put something around me.

Celia. Well, here. (Puts screen in front of her) This will keep off the draught and you can have the fresh air at the same time, and have a little nap while you're waiting. (Speaking over, her shoulder, she goes R. to door) No one will disturb you, dear. I've locked that door and will take the key of this one with me, and I'll hurry back as fast as I can, Aunt Ida, just as fast as- (Exits quickly, locking door behind her.)

(There is a pause. The faint toot of a motor horn is heard off L. Aunt Ida's hands are seen to grasp the top of the outer wings of the screen, one by one. Her head appears for a moment. She looks about tipsily and then drops suddenly out of sight again. After a pause, a second toot is heard. Aunt Ida rises slowly and carefully and comes out R. of screen. She is extremely puzzled.)

Aunt Ida. Now what was that? (Her eye lights on telephone and a smile breaks over her face) The telephone. Wilson's message. Must write it down. (Goes carefully and slowly to desk and sits heavily in chair. Takes off receiver and places transmitter to her ear. There is a pause as she listens. A look of terror and surprise creeps over her face.) Now! something's the matter with my ears. I can't hear a word they say. I believe I'm paralyzed. Oh, dear. (Looks helplessly about her.) Why doesn't Celia come back? (She has taken a pen in her right hand to write down the message. She holds the receiver in her left hand. She looks from one to the other and cannot make up her mind which goes where. She finally decides and elaborately puts the pen in the telephone hooks with a satisfied smile. She then carefully places the receiver on the desk where the pen ought to be.) It's not us. This has been a dreadful day. (Slowly and carefully rising and looking tipsily about) If I'm to be good for anything to-night, I will have to lie down somewhere. (Goes up to doors) If only for five minutes. (Unlocks and opens doors) I'll have to lie down-I'll-have-to- (She exits at back to R., whimpering to herself. When she is off, the telephone bell begins to ring. After it has rung for a moment, Faraday is heard off stage, calling)

Faraday. (Off stage L.) Celia! Celia! Where are you, Celia? (He appears from the L. and stands in C. doorway, looking off right. His jaw drops.) What-is-the-matter-with-your-Aunt? (The telephone bell continues to ring. He hurries down.) Here! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! (Smith enters and comes down L. of table above chair where Celia's coat and bag are. Faraday sees pen in telephone hooks, jerks it out and throws it on desk and picks up receiver. Bell stops ringing.) Hello! Hello! Faraday Hall. Mr. Faraday speaking. – Tell Miss Faraday what? You've made the reservation on the midnight train, change cars at Cobden?

Smith. (Sees Celia's wraps and bag and starts slightly) Miss Faraday going? (Moves R. above table, thinking.)

Faraday. (Into telephone) Nonsense, man, you mean Mrs. Faraday. At twelve noon, she's leaving, not twelve midnight. – What's that you say? It was Miss Celia that telephoned and said she was going herself? Nonsense, man! Don't argue with me. I'm afraid you've been drinking, my man. (Smells telephone) The telephone reeks of brandy! Try to be sober by morning. Remember, we need you in this election. (As he hangs up telephone) I've only known him to be drunk once before-decent chap and devoted to Celia.

Smith. (R. of table) Every one is, sir. She's peculiarly attractive.

Faraday. Yes, but it's taken people a long time to find it out. Now, where has Martin put that whiskey? (He goes fussing about the room) But the men who want to step into Smith's shoes now are legion. (Still looking about and fussing. Picks up brandy decanter. Smells it and puts it down.)

Smith. It's a legion, sir, I'd like to enlist in at once. Have I your permission?

Faraday. Of course you have, my dear fellow, of course you have! (Crossing R.) If I can only find that damn whiskey and soda, I will drink good luck to you. (Rattles door down R. Finds it locked) What do you suppose that scoundrel Martin has been up to? Has everybody been drinking to-night? Come, we'll have to go around through the library. (Goes up to C. door and exits R. Smith follows him. As Smith gets to door, the motor horn toots twice. He pauses and looks back, knowingly, then exits off R. After his exit, horn toots twice.)