Green Stockings: A Comedy in Three Acts

Phyllis. (Pityingly) No, I don't suppose so.

Celia. (Looking at letters) Circulars. Circulars. (Tears open one envelope and takes out circular letter. Then seeing big envelope, says brightly as she picks it up and draws out fashion plates) Oh, spring fashions.

Phyllis. (With an air of superiority) Oh, you don't want those. Give them to me.

(Celia submissively hands them, over, leaving large blue envelope on table. Phyllis takes them and sits on sofa with Tarver, who has come down after lighting his cigarette. They hold hands, backs to Celia, looking at fashions.)

Celia. (Reading letter that she has opened) "Dear Sir or Madam: Having secured our unparalleled stock of sherry wine on a falling market-" (Drops envelope and opens another. Reads) "Dear Madam: You are cordially invited to attend our spring opening of household linens-"

Faraday. (Coming from card room) Madge, you will play?

Madge. No, thanks, I'll finish my letter. (Who has been talking to Aunt Ida, goes back to writing table up R. and resumes writing.)

Faraday. (Disappointedly) And Phyllis doesn't.

Aunt Ida. Well, there's Celia.

Faraday. (Coming down to Celia,) God bless my soul! Of course, why did I forget?

Celia. Oh-that's all right, Father. (Cheerfully opening her letters) It's being done, you know.

Faraday. (To Tarver and Phyllis, who are seated on sofa, holding hands) Now, then, you two, none of that! No holding hands! (They rise quickly, looking embarrassed and facing father.) You are; not engaged yet, you know.

Celia. (Happily) Engaged? Phyllis and Mr. Tarver?

Faraday. (Reassuringly) No, no, certainly not. Nothing of the kind. Cheer up, my dear. (Patting Celia on the shoulder) You don't suppose I would allow a chick like Phyllis to marry with you on my hands still?

Aunt Ida. (Who has been watching him and listening to him) William! (She takes him by the arm and they go up to the card room together.)

(There are now in the card room Grice, Faraday, Steele, Raleigh, Lady Trenchard and Aunt Ida. Aunt Ida is out of sight. Raleigh, Lady Trenchard, Grice and Faraday are playing. Steele is circulating about above table. Tarver goes up in the morning room, sits left of table, and reads a magazine. Celia rises and goes to Phyllis, who meets her below sofa.)

Celia. Phyllis-?

Phyllis. (Eagerly) Oh, Celia, you don't really mind, do you? Just because you can't-I mean, because you don't want to-get married, you won't try to stop Bobby and me, will you?

Celia. (In a hurt tone) Phyllis-dear-

Phyllis. (Relieved) I knew you wouldn't. I told Bobby-!

Celia. And do you mean to say that Mr. Tarver- (Controlling herself with effort) Phyllis, dear- You ought to know-by now-there isn't anything I wouldn't do to make my littlest sister happy. (Patting Phyllis on cheek.)

Phyllis. (Carelessly engrossed in her own affairs) Oh, of course, I know that. But, Celia, you're quite mistaken and unjust about poor Bobby.

Celia. (Smiling, rather bitterly) Oh-I hope not, Phyllis. I-can't stand-injustice!

Phyllis. (Kneeling on stool R.C.) But you are! In spite of all his worries and preoccupations about his election, Bobby takes the greatest interest in you, Celia-

Celia. (Crosses C. Smiles ironically) Yes?

Phyllis. I tell you he does! (Forgetting herself in her zeal) As soon as he has time, Bobby means to do everything he can to get Admiral Grice to propose to you!

Celia. (Recoiling) What!!

Phyllis. (Crestfallen) Oh-I oughtn't to have told you, I suppose. But it's true, all the same. (Reproachfully) You don't appreciate Bobby's noble nature, Celia. You don't know how Bobby realizes your-your loneliness, Celia. Unless you could hear him talk about you, you'd never guess how much darling Bobby pities you.

Celia. (In a changed voice) Phyllis. One moment, please- (With an effort at calm) Do you mean to say that you and-and Mr. Tarver have been-been discussing-me? Oh! (Clenching her handkerchief.)

Phyllis. Not discussing– (Self-righteously) Bobby would not discuss anybody. But-you see, Celia, we were all-Aunt Ida and all of us-talking, just in fun, about your having to wear Green Stockings once more at my wedding, and Bobby-(Laughs to herself) Darling Bobby, is so witty-!

Celia. Oh, yes-go on, Phyllis.

Phyllis. (Injured) Well, but he is.

Celia. Oh, yes-yes-

Phyllis. And so Bobby was just being most awfully sweet and sympathetic about your-your position.

Celia. My position-! (Between her teeth) My-position! And so Mr. Robert Tarver was kind enough to express concern, was he-because there was no possible chance of any decent man ever wanting to marry me?

Phyllis. (Half frightened) Oh, Celia! (Rises.)

Celia. And he makes jokes about my stockings. (Goes L. to chair R. of table L. and stands beside it.) I can hear his jokes!

Phyllis. Oh, Celia! Bobby is witty.

Celia. (Ironically) Yes, very.

Faraday. (In card room) I don't think much of that, Admiral.

Grice. (In card room) You don't? What's the matter with it?

(These last two lines are spoken hurriedly, almost together in card room, as Celia's expression conveys to the audience her sudden determination to invent her story.)

Celia. (With entire change of manner) Call him down here, Phyllis, please, and tell him I want to speak to him.

Phyllis. Celia! (Crossing to center) But why?

Celia. Oh, nothing. I only want to thank him, you know, about old Admiral Grice, and tell him that he need no longer complicate his anxiety about his election with worries about me or the color of my stockings.

Phyllis. (Startled) Why, Celia-what do you mean?

Celia. Well, you see-(Laughs) – I am not quite accustomed to announcing-my engagement.

Phyllis. (With undisguised amazement. Haltingly) Your engagement? Why-it's impossible.

Celia. Yes, that's what Mr. Tarver says. Well, now suppose we call him down here, Phyllis, and tell him he is mistaken.

Phyllis. Oh-Ce-lia! (Embraces Celia gushingly. Rushes up to Tarver and calling) Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby! (Tarver drops his magazine, Phyllis drags him down R. of Celia. He is right of Phyllis.) What do you think? Celia's engaged to be married.

Tarver. (Looks at her, greatly astonished, dropping his eyeglass) Never!

Celia. (Sarcastically) Thanks so much, Mr. Tarver, for your kind congratulations.

Phyllis. (Who has run up to card room, calling) Aunt Ida, Aunt Ida!

(Tarver pauses a moment and then goes R., looking over at Celia incredulously as he goes. He finally sits on fender.)

Celia. (Calling up to Phyllis) Oh, Phyllis, I only meant to tell you and Mr. Tarver.

Phyllis. (Excitedly. Bringing down Aunt Ida extreme L.) Aunt Ida! Celia is engaged to be married.

Aunt Ida. (Coming down left of table and below table to Celia. Smiling happily) Darling-at last- (Kisses Celia.)

Phyllis. (Dances across to center) I can be married now. I can be married now. (Runs across to Madge and sits on piano stool.)

Aunt Ida. I knew that this would happen.

Celia. Did you, Aunt Ida? (These last two lines spoken hurriedly and together.)

Phyllis. Madge, what do you think? Celia is engaged.

Madge. (Rises, drops her pen in blank surprise) Not really!

(Phyllis runs to Bobby , who is on fender, and they sit together, talking excitedly, and looking at Celia.)

Faraday. (Entering from card room. Testily) Now then, now then, can't you girls make a little less noise?

Madge. Oh, Father! (Rushes to him, brings him C. She is R. of him.) What do you think has happened? Celia is engaged to be married. (Pauses a moment to listen to ensuing dialogue and then runs up to card room and in dumb show tells others of Celia's engagement. They also in pantomime express surprise and incredulity. They come slowly out of card room.)

Faraday. God-bless-my-soul! (A broad grin breaks slowly on his face) Celia-engaged?

Celia. Why, yes, Father, if you have no objection to the prospect of my leaving you.

Faraday. Objection? (Joyfully) Why, I'm delighted, my dear girl, delighted.

(Aunt Ida and Celia exchange glances and Aunt Ida, disgusted at Faraday, goes up to card room and talks to Evelyn.)

Celia. Yes, Father, I thought you would be pleased.

Faraday. Pleased? (With mock sentiment) I hope I show a father's feelings when his eldest daughter proposes to-er-desert the home-nest. (Murmurs up in card room. Reverting to his former attitude of enthusiasm) And who is he? What's the d-e-a-r fellow's name? Eh, Celia?

(Evelyn comes down extreme left. Raleigh, Grice and Steele up L.C. Aunt Ida comes back of chair, R. of table L. Phyllis kneels on sofa, facing Celia. Tarver comes and sits in chair below fender.)

Madge. (Coming down R.C.) Yes, Celia, tell us all about him. Who is he? (Sits L. of table R.)

Celia. (Standing by chair R. of table L. Slowly) Well-he is in the army.

Raleigh. (Quickly to Steele) A soldier, eh?

Evelyn. What's his rank?

Celia. He's a cap-a colonel-dear-a colonel.

(Faraday center, Grice up L.C., Raleigh and Steele up L.C. Evelyn L. of table L.)

Faraday. Colonel? What's his name?

Celia. (Pause) Smith.

(They all show pained surprise.)

Faraday. Smith?

Celia. Yes, John Smith.

Faraday. Smith-huh- (Genially) Well, of course the dear fellow isn't to be held responsible for that. Eh, Admiral? (Joins Aunt Ida and Grice up C.)

Grice. (To Faraday. Coming down R.C.) Miss Faraday engaged? You might knock me down with a feather. My dear, I congratulate yo-him, my dear, him.

Celia. (Smiling and shaking hands with Grice) Thank you, Admiral, thank you.

Raleigh. (Up L.C. to Steele) Engaged!

Steele. By George! (They contemplate Celia from a new point of view.)

Faraday. (Up R.C. with Aunt Ida. Smiling broadly and rubbing his hands together) Good-old-John-Smith!

Evelyn. (Patronizingly) Well, Father, he may be one of the good Smiths, you know.

Madge. (From chair R.) If Celia would only stop being such a clam, and tell us.

Celia. But, Madge dear, I have told you.

Faraday. (Comes down stage to R. of Celia) Well, Celia, I suppose he will be coming to see us soon?

Celia. Oh, yes-father-after the war. (Leaning back on chair R. of table L.)

Phyllis. (Quickly) The war?

(All show surprise and interest.)

Celia. Yes, you see he sailed this morning on board a troop ship, for Somaliland. It was just within an hour of his leaving that he-spoke to me.

Faraday. But during that hour he might have told you something about himself.

Phyllis. Oh, Father! How absurd! On occasions of that kind, an hour passes very quickly, (Turns to Tarver and smiles.)

(All laugh.)

Faraday. Well, I remember that when I proposed to your mother, I told her my life history three times over in the first hour. (Goes up stage.)

Evelyn. (Deprecatingly) Oh, Father! (To Celia) What's his regiment?

Celia. Oh, it is a very good one, Evelyn dear. It's one of the West African ones, you know. It has green thing-a-majigs all down the front.

(Evelyn goes up L. and crosses R.)

Tarver. It sounds like a garden party.

Madge. Well, but-Celia- (Rises, comes to Celia and offers hand and passes Celia in front of her to chair L. of table R.)

Phyllis. Oh, yes, do tell us.

Celia. (Sitting L. of table R. Eagerly, to get rid of the questions) But there is very little to tell.

(Raleigh and Steele drop down R.C. Evelyn joins them. Aunt Ida is back of Celia. Grice is C. Madge L. of Celia. Faraday drops down behind Celia's chair to R. of Aunt Ida. They are new all grouped about Celia's chair, except Tarver, who is in chair below fender. They all show smiling interest.)

Celia. Well, you see, we had been together in the house all the week-and-er-this morning I was in the garden-alone-and-and he joined me. (Pause.) And-er-it was then. (Covers her-face in mock confusion.)

(All laugh sympathetically.)

Phyllis. (From sofa) What did he say?

Celia. (Looks at Tarver and Phyllis and waving toward Tarver) Oh, you know.

(All laugh.)

Phyllis. And-are you happy?

Celia. (Looking at group bending over her) Well, I really believe that this change will make a very great difference in my life.

Faraday. (Patting Celia on shoulder) Well, I hope so, my dear child, I hope so. Now, let's go back and finish our rubber.

(There is a general bright buzz of conversation, such as "By jove!" "I'll bet it does," "Why, yes, Celia," "Well, I should think it would," "Indeed it will," etc. Faraday goes up to card room with Evelyn, Grice and Aunt Ida. They resume their bridge game in former positions. Madge catches Tarver's eye and they join each other up R., evidently talking about Celia's engagement. Phyllis stops on sofa, talking across to Celia, as Celia glances over the remaining envelopes and slips them into the large blue envelope, in view of audience.)

Raleigh. (To Steele, L.C.) It's obvious that Smith didn't find it difficult.

Steele. (Who is R. of Raleigh. Looking thoughtfully at Celia) No, he didn't. Perhaps, we have all been mistaken. You know she isn't so bad looking-if you look long enough. (Steele starts to cross to Celia. Raleigh stops him and goes over himself. Steele comes back of chair L.)

Raleigh. Miss Faraday, I haven't congratulated you yet. I hope you won't go off to Southampton soon again. We all missed you dreadfully when you were away.

(Steele shows impatience at Raleigh's talking to Celia.)

Celia. I'm sure you did. My coming back as I've done seems to have made a very great difference.

Raleigh. Oh, great. Believe me, great. Well, you've every good wish of mine. (Gushingly extending his hand, which Celia takes amusedly.)

Celia. (Warmly) I am sure I have, Mr. Raleigh.

Faraday. (From card room) Come, Raleigh.

Raleigh. (Over his shoulder) But you threw down your cards.

Faraday. Well, I'm going to take them up again.

Grice. (Impatiently) Come along, Raleigh!

Steele. (Triumphantly motions Raleigh back to card room and eagerly takes his place beside Celia's chair) What Raleigh has just said, I most warmly echo, my dear Miss Faraday.

(Raleigh returns and takes Steele by the arm.)

Raleigh. You are wanted over here, Steele.

(Celia watches them with amusement.)

Steele. But I am cut out.

Raleigh. (Taking Steele back to card room) Well, you can cut in again.

(Steele goes reluctantly back to card room, protesting to Raleigh and looking back over his shoulder at Celia as he goes. Those in card room resume former positions and go on with bridge game.)

Madge. (Coming down to Celia and putting her arms around her) Celia!

(Tarver strolls up to morning room and sits right of table and begins reading again.)

Celia. Yes.

Madge. The Indian Mail goes out to-night-via Brindisi and Port Said.

Celia. Well?

Madge. Port Said. That's where letters to Somaliland will be transferred.

(Celia is startled.)

Phyllis. Oh, of course you must write to him. (Jumps up, runs up to writing table R.C., brings blotter from table, containing sheets of paper, envelopes, pens and ink, and puts them on magazine table; stands above and to the R. of Celia.)

Celia. (Protestingly) But it's too late.

Madge. No, the post doesn't go until ten. You have just time.

Phyllis. (Opening blotting pad and ink well) You must, if it is only a note. He will be expecting something.

Celia. Oh, I couldn't write in such a hurry.

Phyllis. (Forcing pen into Celia's hand) You must.

Celia. (Laughingly) Well, I can't write with you two at my elbows, you know.

(Madge goes slowly up into card room, turning and smiling at Celia as she goes.)

Phyllis. (Running up and around and down to foot of sofa) I shan't look. (Kneels on Chesterfield sofa, facing Celia) What do you call him?

Celia. (At a loss) I don't know.

Phyllis. (Surprised) You don't know?

Celia. (Recovering herself) I mean, dear, I use a pet name.

Phyllis. Oh, lovely, what is it?

Celia. Really, it's too absurd, you know, Phyllis. It's-it's-Wobbles.

Phyllis. (Laughing and surprised) Wobbles!

Celia. Yes, dear. Everybody calls him-Wobbles.

Phyllis. (Laughing) Celia, it's delicious. Fancy your being married to a man called Wobbles! (Pretending to write in the air) "My darling Wobbles." (Laughs and runs up to Tarver, who is seated reading in the morning room, saying as she goes) Bobby, what do you think? (She tells Tarver the name of Celia's fiance in dumb show as she sits opposite him.)

Celia. (Writing) "My darling Wobbles."

(Tarver laughs. Laugh in card room.)

Celia. (Looks around to see that no one is overlooking or watching her. Writes) "I hardly know how to write you. It all seems too hauntingly beautiful to be true. I see your face everywhere-Wobbles. The very tulips have a look of you. Oh, dearest, don't get wounded in the war." (Leans back and laughs to herself) Good Heavens, when I got up this morning, did I ever think that I should be doing anything like this? (Resumes writing) "This is my first love letter, Wobbles, but even I know how it ought to end. Crosses, Wobbles, crosses. One, two, three, four, five, nought, nought, nought, nought, nought. To be taken as required. Thine forever. Celia Faraday." (Phyllis comes to right of sofa and hands envelope to Celia.) Thank you, dear. (Tarver strolls down center, looking at Celia. Celia turns letter face down on blotter to prevent its being seen by Phyllis. Then seeing that she is being scrutinised by Tarver and Phyllis, she takes envelope from Phyllis, places letter in it, addresses it and seals it. Addressing letter) "Colonel Smith, Field Force, Somaliland, Africa."

Tarver. I say, Miss Faraday.

Celia. Yes.

Tarver. I hope awfully that you will help me in my election.

Raleigh. (Speaking from card room, turning in his chair and holding card aloft) Yes, it's just girls like you, Miss Faraday, who win the day.

Tarver. Righto!!

Grice. (Thumping the table) Have you none of that suit, sir?

Raleigh. (Whirling around and playing) Oh, yes, I beg your pardon.

(Madge comes to desk, gets her letter, goes down to foot of sofa and hands it to Phyllis. Steele sees that Celia has finished letter and comes slowly down C.)

Celia. Of course, I will help you, Mr. Tarver. It's awfully nice to have you ask me for help, you know.

Tarver. Oh, thanks awfully. (Goes up and around to Phyllis, who is on sofa, talks to Madge and Phyllis.)

Steele. You have finished, Miss Faraday?

Celia. Yes.

Steele. May I put that letter in the box for you?

Celia. No, thanks. I will see to it.

Steele. Well-wouldn't you like to come and play a game of billiards?

Celia. No, thank you. I really must go and change my shoes. (Indicating her feet) You can see that these are quite damp.

Steele. (Most graciously) I can't be expected to see things so small as that. But-(Getting chair from left) Won't you let me talk to you for just a minute?

Celia. (Rising) I really must go and change.

(Steele disconsolately and slowly puts back chair, leaving it turned on stage. He stands watching Celia for a moment, then walks up L. of table L., looking at big picture on left wall as he goes. Note: Evelyn should give him a signal when Celia exits.)

Madge. I will go with you, dear. (Goes to door R.I and takes the knob in her hand.)

(Tarver sits on fender, leans over and talks intently to Phyllis.)

Celia. No, don't bother, Madgie.

Madge. It's no bother. I have a lovely new frock I want to show you. You might want to copy it for your trousseau. (Exit R.)

Celia. (Puzzled) My trousseau? (Recovers herself) My trousseau, oh, yes, yes, my trousseau. (Looks quickly and vainly about for some place to hide letter, either in her dress or under the table. No one is looking at Celia during this business. She sees large blue envelope in which she has already placed two unopened letters. Note: The flap of this large envelope must be turned in. She quickly holds it up and slips the letter to Smith inside and hides it between the periodicals on lower end of table. She then looks around to see that no one has observed her and exits quickly R.)

(Phyllis beckons to Tarver and he sits beside her on sofa. Immediately Celia exits, Steele starts after her. When he gets down R.C., Raleigh rushes after him, carrying a card.)

Raleigh. Where are you going?

Steele. I thought perhaps Miss Faraday might let me put on her slippers.

Raleigh. (Taking Steele by the arm) Well, she is not going to put them on in the hall. She has gone to her room. You come back here.

Grice. (Shouts loudly and bangs table and jumps up) Raleigh!

Faraday. Is this a game of bridge or a game of tag?

Raleigh and Steele. I beg your pardon! (They rush back to card room and Raleigh plays card that he has carried away.)

Faraday. There now, he revoked too, and that's game and rubber.

(Steele strolls down extreme L., goes R. a few steps and stands watching door where Celia has made her exit.)

Raleigh. (Coming down R.C., also looking toward door R.I) Do I owe anything?

(Faraday goes C. up stage. Grice comes C. down stage. Evelyn comes R. of L. table with a bridge score in her hand.)