Tom Brown at Rugby

He walked quickly through the quadrangle and out into the close. The longing which had been upon him and driven him thus far, like the gad-fly760 in the Greek legends, giving him no rest in mind or body, seemed all of a sudden not to be satisfied, but to shrivel up, and pall.761 "Why should I go on? It's no use," he thought, and threw himself at full length on the turf, and looked vaguely and listlessly at all the well-known objects. There were a few of the town-boys playing cricket, their wicket pitched on the best piece in the middle of the big-side ground, – a sin about equal to sacrilege in the eyes of a captain of the eleven. He was very nearly getting up to go and send them off. "Pshaw! they won't remember me. They've more right there than I," he muttered. And the thought that his sceptre had departed, and his mark was wearing out, came home to him for the first time, and bitterly enough. He was lying on the very spot where the fights came off; where he himself had fought six years ago his first and last battle. He conjured up the scene till he could almost hear the shouts of the ring, and East's whisper in his ear; and looking across the close to the Doctor's private door, half expected to see it open, and the tall figure in cap and gown come striding under the elm-trees toward him.

No, no! that sight could never be seen again. There was no flag flying on the round tower;762 the School-house windows were all shuttered up; and when the flag went up again, and the shutters came down, it would be to welcome a stranger. All that was left on earth of him whom he had honored, was lying cold and still under the chapel floor. He would go in and see the place once more, and then leave it once for all. New men and new methods might do for other people; let those who would, worship the rising star; he at least would be faithful to the sun which had set. And so he got up, and walked to the chapel door and unlocked it, fancying himself the only mourner in all the broad land, and feeding on his own selfish sorrow.

He passed through the vestibule763 and then paused for a moment to glance over the empty benches. His heart was still proud and high, and he walked up to the seat which he had last occupied as a sixth-form boy, and sat himself down there to collect his thoughts.

And, truth to tell, they needed collecting and setting in order not a little. The memories of eight years were all dancing through his brain, and carrying him about whither they would; while beneath them all, his heart was throbbing with a dull sense of a loss that could never be made up to him. The rays of the evening sun came solemnly through the painted windows above his head, and fell in gorgeous colors on the opposite wall, and the perfect stillness soothed his spirit little by little. And he turned to the pulpit, and looked at it, and then, leaning forward with his head on his hands, groaned aloud, "If he could only have seen the Doctor again for one five minutes, have told him all that was in his heart, what he owed to him, how he loved and reverenced him, and would, by God's help, follow his steps in life and death, he could have borne it all without a murmur. But that he should have gone away forever without knowing it all, was too much to bear. But am I sure that he does not know it all?" – the thought made him start. "May he not even now be near me, in this very chapel? If he be, am I sorrowing as he would have me sorrow – as I should wish to have sorrowed when I shall meet him again?"

He raised himself up and looked round; and after a minute rose and walked humbly down to the lowest bench, and sat down on the very seat which he had occupied on his first Sunday at Rugby. And then the old memories rushed back again, but softened and subdued, and soothing him as he felt himself carried away by them. And he looked up at the great painted window above the altar, and remembered how when a little boy he used to try not to look through it at the elm-trees and the rooks, before the painted glass came – and the subscription for the painted glass, and the letter he wrote home for money to give to it. And there, down below, was the very name of the boy who sat on his right hand on that first day, scratched rudely in the oak panelling.

And then came the thought of all his old schoolfellows; and form after form of boys, nobler and braver and purer than he, rose up and seemed to rebuke him. Could he not think of them, and what they had felt and were feeling, they who had honored and loved from the first the man whom he had taken years to know and love? Could he not think of those yet dearer to him who were gone, who bore his name and shared his blood, and were now without a husband or a father? Then the grief which he began to share with others became gentle and holy, and he rose up once more, and walked up the steps to the altar, and, while the tears flowed freely down his cheeks, knelt down humbly and hopefully, to lay down there his share of a burden which had proved itself too heavy for him to bear in his own strength.

Here let us leave him – where better could we leave him than at the altar, before which he had first caught a glimpse of the glory of his birth-right,764 and felt the dawning of the bond which links all living souls together in one brotherhood – at the grave, beneath the altar, of him who had opened his eyes to see that glory, and softened his heart till it could feel that bond?

And let us not be hard on him, if at that moment his soul is fuller of the tomb and him who lies there than of the altar and Him of whom it speaks. Such stages have to be gone through, I believe, by all young and brave souls who must win their way, through hero worship, to the worship of Him who is the King and Lord of heroes. For it is only through our mysterious human relationships, through the love, and tenderness, and purity of mothers, and sisters, and wives, through the strength, and courage, and wisdom of fathers, and brothers, and teachers, that we can come to the knowledge of Him, in whom alone the love, and the tenderness, and the purity, and the strength, and the courage, and the wisdom of all these dwell for ever and ever in perfect fulness.

1

Doyle: an English artist noted for his humorous and satirical designs.

2

Matriculating: entering.

3

Yeomen: small independent farmers. They have generally constituted the best part of the English army.

4

Cloth-yard shaft: an arrow a yard in length.

5

Cressy and Agincourt: English victories over the French in 1346 and 1415.

6

Bill: a combined spear and battle-axe.

7

Culverin and demi-culverin: ancient forms of cannon.

8

Hand-grenade: a kind of bomb or shell thrown by hand.

9

Rodney, etc.: famous English naval and military commanders.

10

Talbots, etc.: noted family names of the English nobility.

11

"Sacer vates": inspired bard or poet.

12

Throw his stone, etc.: help to build their cairn or monument.

13

Clanship: here, the holding together of a class, tribe, or family.

14

Bout: contest.

15

Curacy: parish.

16

Chambers: law offices.

17

Quixotic: romantic or visionary

18

Crotchet: whim, notion, "hobby."

19

Old man with a scythe: Father Time.

20

Treadmill: a wheel on which prisoners were formerly compelled to work.

21

Berks: Berkshire, a county west of London. It is called "Royal" because it is the seat of Windsor Castle. The Vale of the White Horse gets its name from the gigantic image of a horse cut through the turf in the side of a chalk hill. Tradition says it was done over a thousand year ago, to commemorate a great victory over the Danes by Alfred.

22

Three pound ten (shillings): the English shilling is about twenty five cents, and the pound may be called five dollars.

23

Dresden: a city of Germany, noted for its treasures of art.

24

The Louvre: an ancient palace in Paris, containing vast collections of sculptures and paintings.

25

Sauer-kraut: a German dish, prepared from cabbage.

26

Bee-orchis (orkis): a wild-flower resembling a bee.

27

Down: a barren hill of chalk or sand.

28

Civil wars: those between Parliament and King Charles I., in the seventeenth century.

29

Butts: targets for archery practice. Before the invention of gunpowder they were set up by law in every parish.

30

Laid: dispelled by religious ceremonies.

31

Dulce domum: sweet home.

32

Black Monday: the end of the holidays.

33

Cosmopolites: citizens of the world at large, familiar with all countries.

34

Backsword play: the game of single-stick, or fencing with cudgels.

35

Gorse: a thick, prickly, evergreen shrub, which grows wild and bears beautiful yellow flowers.

36

Spinney: a small grove filled with undergrowth.

37

Charley: a fox.

38

Cover: a retreat, or hiding-place.

39

Old Berkshire: an association of hunters.

40

Thatched: roofed with straw or reeds.

41

Richard Swiveller: a jolly character who lives by his wits. See Dickens's "Old Curiosity Shop."

42

Mr. Stiggins: a hypocritical parson. See Dickens's "Pickwick Papers."

43

Roman camp: the Romans, when they conquered England, about 78 A.D., built a stronghold here.

44

Eyrie: the nest of a bird of prey; here, a gathering-place for Roman soldiers.

45

Cairn: a heap of stones set up to mark a spot.

46

Sappers and miners: usually, soldiers employed in working on trenches and fortifications or in undermining those of an enemy; here, engaged in surveying.

47

Ordnance Map: an official or government map.

48

Balak: see Numbers xxii.

49

Alfred: Alfred the Great, King of the West Saxons, 871. He defeated the Danes, who had overrun most of England, at Ashdown, and compelled them to make a treaty of peace. He is justly considered one of the noblest and wisest of the English sovereigns; and the thousandth anniversary of his birth was celebrated in 1849, at Wantage, Berks.

50

Asser: a contemporary of Alfred; he wrote his life.

51

Saxons: a name given to certain German tribes who conquered Britain, in the fifth century. The name England came from the Angles, a people of the same stock, who settled in the east and north of the island. From these Anglo-Saxons the English have in great part descended.

52

Alma: a river in the Crimea where a desperate battle was fought between the Russians and the allied English and French in 1854.

53

Chronicler: Asser, from whom this is quoted.

54

St. George: the patron saint of England.

55

More by token: as a sign or proof that this is so.

56

Privet: a shrub much used for hedges.

57

Keeper: the gamekeeper, a man kept on great estates to look after the game.

58

Cromlech: a rude tomb built by the first inhabitants of Britain.

59

Wayland Smith's Cave: a "supernatural smith" who shod horses on payment of sixpence.

60

Sir Walter: Sir Walter Scott.

61

Inigo Jones: a celebrated architect of the 17th century.

62

Lord Craven: the owner of the estate on which the "White Horse" is located.

63

Sheep-walks: sheep pastures, for which the "downs" are much used.

64

Barrows: ancient burial mounds.

65

Public: a public house.

66

Toby Philpot jug: a large brown pitcher, shaped like a jolly old gentleman of the olden time.

67

Antediluvian: before the deluge.

68

Un: it; also him or her.

69

Grewsome: frightful.

70

Um: they.

71

Fiery cross: a cross, the ends of which had been fired and then extinguished in blood. It was sent round by the chiefs of clans in time of war, to summon their followers.

72

Plantations: groves of trees set out in regular order.

73

Squire: a country gentleman.

74

'E: thee or you.

75

Malignant: The Parliamentary or Puritan party during the civil wars of Charles I. called those who adhered to the king "malignants."

76

Tighe: this legend relates a conspiracy by which young Tighe was led into the thick of a fight and killed.

77

Pusey horn: the Pusey family hold their estate not by a title deed, but by a horn, given, it is said, to William Pecote (perhaps an ancestor of the Puseys) by Canute, a Danish king of England in the eleventh century. The horn bears the following inscription: "I, King Canute, give William Pecote this horn to hold by thy land."

78

Freeholders: landowners.

79

Moated grange: a farm or estate surrounded by a broad deep ditch for defence in old times.

80

Marianas: Mariana, a beautiful woman, one of the most lovable of Shakespeare's characters. See "Measure for Measure."

81

West-countryman: a west of England man.

82

Angular Saxon: a play on the words Anglo-Saxon.

83

Adscriptus glebæ: attached to the soil.

84

Chaw: "chaw bacon," a nickname for an English peasant.

85

Vools: fools.

86

Whum: home.

87

For this old song see Hughes's "Scouring of the White Horse."

88

J. P.: justice of the peace.

89

Calico: white cotton cloth called calico in England, to distinguish it from print.

90

Smock frocks: coarse white frocks worn by farm laborers.

91

Yule-tide: Christmas. Clubs are formed by the poor several months in advance, to furnish coal, clothes, and poultry for Christmas time, – each member contributing a few pence weekly.

92

Mummers: maskers, merrymakers in fantastic costumes.

93

Vernacular: one's native tongue.

94

Ten-pound doctor: a quack doctor.

95

Mysteries: rude dramatic plays of a religious character, once very popular.

96

Lieges: loyal subjects.

97

Jobbers: speculators or members of corrupt political rings.

98

Assizes or Quarter Sessions: sessions of courts of justice.

99

Yeomanry review: a review of the county militia.

100

Don: a nickname for a university professor.

101

Sirens: sea-nymphs who enticed sailors into their power by their singing, and then devoured them.

102

Clement's Inn: formerly a college and residence for law students in London. It is now given up to law offices.

103

Hop-picking: all the vagabonds of London go to Kent and Surrey in the autumn to pick hops for the farmers, regarding the work as a kind of vacation frolic.

104

Courier: a person hired by wealthy travellers to go in advance and engage rooms at hotels, etc.

105

Imperial: the best seat on a French diligence or stage-coach.

106

Comme le limaçon, etc.: like the snail, carrying all his baggage, his furniture, and his house.

107

Chalet (shal-ay'): a Swiss herdsman's hut.

108

Kraal: a Hottentot hut or village.

109

"Sar' it out": deal it out.

110

"Holus bolus": all at once.

111

Learned poet: Wordsworth; the quotation, which follows, is from "My heart leaps up."

112

A fortiori: for a stronger reason.

113

Environments: surroundings.

114

Functionary: one charged with the performance of a duty.

115

Scatter-brain: thoughtless.

116

Nŏtable: industrious, smart.

117

Cardinal: chief.

118

Drat: plague take.

119

Bist: art.

120

Puritan: the Puritans were those who were dissatisfied with the English Church and wished to purify it, as they said, from certain ceremonies. They quite generally gave their children Bible names.

121

Whey: in making cheese the milk separates, the thick part forming curd, and the watery portion whey.

122

Pattens: wooden-soled shoes.

123

Heir-apparent: the legal heir.

124

Break cover: come out from his hiding-place.

125

Pillion: a seat, for a woman, attached to the hinder part of a saddle.

126

Fetish: an idol.

127

Full-bottomed wig: this was a large wig worn by all men of fashion in the last century.

128

Valeted: served; (from valet, a gentleman's private servant).

129

Stickleback: a small fish.

130

Pop-joying: nibbling by fish.

131

Float: a cork or bit of wood attached to a fish-line.

132

Petty sessions: a criminal court held by a justice of the peace.

133

Dragoons: soldiers who serve on foot or on horseback, as occasion requires.

134

Old gamester: a person skilled in the game of single-stick or back sword.

135

Wiltshire and Somersetshire: counties west of Berkshire.

136

Statute feasts: festivals established by law.

137

Booths: temporary sheds, etc., for the sale of refreshments, pedlers' goods, and the like.

138

Cricket: the English national game of ball.

139

Tutelage: guardianship.

140

Lancet windows: high, narrow windows of the earliest Gothic architecture.

141

Pottered: walked slowly, sauntered.

142

"Cheap Jacks": pedlers.

143

Legitimate: lawful.

144

Fairings: ribbons, toys, and other small articles sold for presents.

145

Buckskins: buckskin breeches.

146

Top-boots: high boots.

147

Fustian: coarse cloth.

148

Stuff: woollen.

149

Pipe and tabor: fife and drum.

150

Caravans: show wagons.

151

Pan-pipe: several pipes or fifes fastened together in a row, and blown by an attendant or "satellite," in the Punch and Judy show.