Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things

Free love wants more poke than enny other animal.

I don't believe in total depravity – unless a man has a good chance.

Free love iz a good deal like drinking 6 shilling gin for a bevridge. Bevridge iz a Chinese word, and means cussidness.

Aul the free love i hav witnessed thus far, has existed between a villainous letcher on one side, and lunatick virtue on the other side, that had bin deoderized out ov its truth, and had lost aul ov its modesty, and shame, in hunting after a condishun, whare sin ceazed tew be a crime.

The fust free lover we hav enny akount ov, was the devil.

LIV.

FAST MEN

I hav alwus loved "Fast men;" not those who are fast in their morals, but the sudden kind, those who think fast, and ackt fast.

I never knu a verry slow Amerikan who amounted tew ennything.

Put a man onto an island, (like Nova Scosha,) and he will learn how tew be slow; it iz like chaining a bull tarrier tew a post; after a while he will just straighten the chain, that's all.

But on a Hemispheer like ours, even mud turkles learn how tew show a good gait.

Whare natur setts the exampel, whare she iz vast, and magestick, men soon git in the habit ov reckoning bi the millyuns, and a man ain't enny more apt tew make a big mistake, than he iz a small one; thare iz more game mist at 100 feet, than thar iz at 100 yards.

Fast men make most ov the blunders that are made; but they also make most ov the good hits that are made.

It don't hurt mi feelings (occasionally) tew hear that a man has fell his whole length, and even ploughed up the ground whare he struck, for then i kno he couldn't hav bin standing still, nor hanging onto sumboddy's picket fence.

Methusila lived a 1000 years, but i serpose he could hav seen aul he saw, and dun aul he did in 5 years, if he had lived in New York city.

I never knu a peace ov machinery tew prove a failure bekause it was tew fast; and who iz thare who has ever turned one bi hand, that has not wept for joy tew see a grindstone git round 500 times in a minnitt, driven bi steam?

Fast men sumtimes kollide, but experience has proved that it iz better for a locomotiff tew strike a rock at 40 miles an hour, than at 15, for at 40 miles the rock may be displased, but at 15 the locomotiff iz sartin tew be.

I alwus did think well ov the konneticut vagrant, who was confined in the poor house bekauze he hadn't ennything tew do, and hearing ov a basswood shoe-peg spekulashun, that was raging outside, broke out ov the poor-house, and made 1500 dollars before they could ketch him.

"Life iz short," and this iz one grate reason whi it ought tew be fast.

LV.

JOSH REPLIES TO ONE OF HIS CORRESPONDENTS

"Benvolio." – In writing for yu an analasiss ov the frog, i must confess that i hav coppied the whole thing, "verbatus ad liberating," from the works ov a selebrated French writer on natural history, ov the 16th sentry.

The frog iz, in the fust case, a tadpole, aul boddy and tail, without cuming tew a head.

He travels in pond holes, bi the side ov the turnpike, and iz accellerated bi the acktivity ov his tail, which wriggles with uncommon limberness and vivacity. Bi and bi, pretty soon, before long, in a few daze, his tail iz no more, and legs begin to emerge from the south end ov the animal, and from the north end, at the same time, may be seen a disposition tew head out.

In this cautious way the frog iz built, and then for the fust time in his life, begins tew git his head abuv water.

His success iz now certain, and soon, in about five daze more, he may be seen sitting down on himself bi the side ov the pond hole, and looking at the dinner baskets ov the children on their way tew the distrikt skoolhous.

Az the children cum more nearer, with a club or chunk ov a brickbat in his hand tew swott him with, he rares up on his behind leggs, and enters the water, head fust, without opening the door.

Thus the frog duz bizzness for a spell ov time, until he gits tew be 21, and then his life iz more ramified.

Frogs hav 2 naturs, ground and water, and are az free from sin az an oyster.

I never knu a frog tew hurt ennyboddy who paid his honest dets and took the New York Weekly.

I don't reckoleckt now whether a frog has enny before leggs or not, and if he don't, it ain't enny boddy's bizzness but the frog's.

Their hind leggs are used for refreshments, but the rest ov him won't pay for eating.

A frog iz the only person who kan live in a well, and not get tired.

The bull-frog iz the boss ov the mud puddle, and has a log tew sit on, over on the other side ov the puddle, and talks tew the rest ov the frogs away down in his throat, so that yu kan't understand more than half what he sez; he iz generally a cross and lazy old devil, all over warts.

This iz aul thare iz worth knowing now about the frog, except that they ketch flize during fli time, and winter on nothing, by freezing up solid.'

P.S. – I hav endeavored tew translate mi author cluss, but it iz tuff tew render aul his butiz intu our tung, without bursting the sense.

LVI.

HUMAN HAPPINESS

Human happyness being a subject that interests most persons, and having never bin writ upon bi enny boddy else, i thought i would write upon it immediately.

But fu ever git tew be happy, for the reazon they try so hard.

Comfort in this world is about awl that mortals kan expect; happyness has bin reserved, bi an all wise Providence, for futur use.

Those who are the most happy appear tew kno it the least; in fact, happyness seems tew consist in not knowing it.

The best way i kno ov tew be happy is not tew want enny thing till yu hav got it, and then be saving of it.

Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch pudding and milk, even, will worry a man.

The most happy individual i ever knu had no under garment, and he probably would have remained happy, until his back had wore out, if the Femail Billingsville sowing society had not furnished him a cotton seclusion for hiz body, and got him riled up, bekauze the collar tew the seclusion want starched stiff enuff.

It iz a verry dangerous peace ov bizzness tew interfere with enny man's private plans, for hiz own partiklar happyness, (or partiklar misery,) upon the same principle, that it iz a verry dangerous enterprise to pull a thorn out ov a mule's hind leg, and dodge the kick.

Awl human hapness iz conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long.

A verry large share ov our happiness iz derived from anticipation; i kan rekoleckt now ov having tremenjus fun, years ago, in the western wilderness, hunting bees, and also hav a lively reminiscence ov gitting awfully stung, when i found the bees.

Upon the whole, after weighing the matter camly, i hav cum tew the sanguine konklusion, that the hight ov human happyness in this life, consists in being unhappy, and not kno it.

LVII.

PHILOSOPHEE OV THE BILLINGS FAMILEE,

AS SOT DOWN BI JOSH

I pray you, never seem tew want enny thing.

If you hav not got even a wheelbarrow, talk with grate ease about a horse and carriage.

If you are caught with a rent in yure coat, be az mutch serprised at first as he who diskovers it, (a rent iz but the episode ov a moment,) but do not be mortified, even if he iz curious.

If questioned about yure ansesstors, remember that the further back you go, the more safely you may lay yure claims – you had just az menny relashuns in Knower's ark, az enny body kan show.

Eat puddin and milk simply becaus it is healthy. Hire a back seat in the church, so az tew be the first out, in kase ov fire.

Your wife and children never look so well tew you, az in a "shillin a yard."

If spoken ov for offiss, take notiss ov this or that growin evil; suggest no plan; wear a careful plaster over your mouth, and talk about the capasity and integrity of yure opponent – if beaten, praze the right ov suffrage, publickly, but dam the whole plan, privately, as mutch az you are a mind to.

If you would borry a sum ov munny, ask for it as you would for a yesterday's nuzpaper.

If invited tew dinner – hessitate, but yield upon reflekshun, remarkin, "that yure own table is provided with oysters, and needs no carver."

Make az menny frends as you kan – never, but as a last resort, use one.

Always sing, for thus you may get the envy ov the world, while yure tears would seek in vain for their pity.

Live in the world az one ov its most familyer people, but really hav but little to do with it.

Never argu, and never be convinced.

But chiefly, never want ennything; for thus you giv tung tew yure poverty.

Menny a man haz died rich, and ben kalled wize, by simply holding hiz tung.

When you are asked tew admirate an equipage, dew it warmly, but suggest that you never indulge in horses, on akount ov their liability tew glanders.

If you are poor, ask Alexander tew stand out ov your sunshine. If you are rich, ask him tew stand in it.

Dew not envy ennything on arth, not even a man's virtues, for them you kan git az well az he.

Talk familiarly ov wealth – deceave every one but yourself.

Never show the world mutch ov yure hart; keep that for Him who made it, and knose its impulses.

N.B. – This philosophee has made the Billings family what they am.

LVIII.

AMERIKANS

Amerikans love caustick things; they would prefer turpentine tew colone-water, if they had tew drink either.

So with their relish of humor; they must hav it on the half-shell with cayenne.

An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint sauce, and he iz willin tew wait till next day before he tastes it.

If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do it quick.

An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don't luv tew make a bizzness ov it; he works, eats, and haw-haws on a canter.

I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor.

We havn't had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov it.

The English are better punsters, but i konsider punning a sort ov literary prostitushun in which futur happynesz iz swopped oph for the plezzure ov the moment.

Thare iz one thing i hav noticed: evryboddy that writes expeckts tew be wize or witty – so duz evrybody expect tew be saved when they die; but thare iz good reason tew beleave that the goats hereafter will be in the majority, just az the sheep are here.

Don't forget one thing, yu hav got tew be wize before yu kan be witty; and don't forget two things, a single paragraff haz made sum men immortal, while a volume haz bin wuss than a pile-driver tew others – but what would Amerikans dew if it want for their sensashuns?

Sumthing new, sumthing startling iz necessary for us az a people, and it don't make mutch matter what it iz – a huge defalkashun – a red elephant – or Jersee clams with pearls in them will answer if nothing better offers.

Englishmen all laff at us for our sensashuns, and sum ov them fret about it, and spred their feathers in distress for us, az a fond and foolish old hen, who haz hatched out a setting ov ducks' eggs, will stand on the banks ov a mill pond, wringing her hands in agony to see her brood pitch in and take a sail. She kant understand it, but the Ducks know awl about it.

N.B. – Yu kan bet 50 dollars the Ducks know all about it.

N.B. – Yu kan bet 50 dollars more that it makes no difference who hatches out an Amerikan, the fust thing he will do, iz to pitch into sumthin.

N.B. – No more bets at present.

LIX.

JOSH CLEANS OUT HIS PIGEON-HOLE OF CORRESPONDENTS

Iowa.– Don't press the matter tew mutch. The only way to heal a gal ov the "wonts," is tew git her wonted, and then stampede things briskly.

Sharpley.– The best cure i knu ov fur tite boots is small feet.

Wisconsin.– Yu ask me "how fur the Hudson River runs up?" i hasten tew state that the Hudson River don't run up at all.

Jerry.– Yu are sound on this espeshall goose, when yu say "that yu have diskovered poker tew be an unsertin game;" but, Jerry, let me tell yu how tew reduse it tew a sertinty. 5 aces will alwus beat 4 aces and a king; it will dew it in any kind ov a game.

Albany.– i kant tell yu what the usual life insurance rate is; perhaps Andy Johnson kan tell yu; he has bin lately reinsured, his polisy having about run out.

Ezra.– Noboddy but a phool would try tew hold a bull bi the tail; and yet Ezra, mi dear unknown frend, how menny ov us take just as foolish a holt on evrything.

Mike.– It aint necessary that a prayer, tew be good, should be very long or very loud, i hav used one like this fur the last 4 years, and it suits me: "O Lord! visit mi heart fust, mi head next, and mi pocket-book last."

Mason.– "Man wants but little here belo" may hav bin true when it wos fust ritten, but ever since the war he wants aul he kan lay his claws on.

Byron.– I read yure poem carefully. it won't anser. it is tew mutch longer than it is wide. Poetry is a good deal like a clothes-line, very apt tew spred lengthways if at all. Most evryboddy, sumtime during their lives, has the poetry ailment, jist as they hav the teeth cut, but one teeth cutting satisfies evryboddy but the phools.

Dunkirk.– Yu tell me "that yu hav konkluded tew lead an arkadian life;" the arkadians are a clever sett ov phellers in the lump; i lived with them 7 years onst in mi life, but they got into the habit ov dipping their bread into the pork grease, tew save butter, and then i quit the arkadians.

Abigall.– Bonnets kontinue tew be worn yet; the present stile is about the size ov a kold bukwheat kake; feathers are not so much worn this spring, on akount ov the grate supply ov bob-tailed roosters in the kuntry.

Lizzy.– The gentleman yu inquire about is a bachelor in full communion bi profession; his habits fur honesta is good; he pays cash for his whiskey and billyards.

Farmer.– i kant tell yu how much oats it is best tew plant on an aker, but i think, at a ruff guess, 15 or 20 bushels would be a grate plenty. i never had but 7 years' chance at farming, but if mi memory serves me right, (and i never caught her in a lie,) rye must be a good krop tew raise, for old rye sells now quick for 6 or 7 dollars a gallond.

Pelham.– No notice will be took, (from this date hereafterwards) ov letters that hain't got a postage-stamp onto them.

Don't write only on one side ov the manuscript, and don't write mutch onto that.

Don't send a manuscript, unless yu kan read it yureself, after it gits dry.

We pay, aul the way up hill, from 10 cents tew one dollar for contribushuns, ackording tew heft.

Aul settlements made promptly at the end ov the next ensuing year.

Poetry and prose pieces respectively serlicited.

The highest market price paid for awful railrode smashes, and elopements with another man's wife.

No swareing aloud in our paper.

Yure article on "frogs" is received.

It made me laff like lightning.

LX.

JOSH CHAWS HIS CUD

Earthli glory is sum like potatoze on very ritch sile, – top plenty, – tater skase.

It aint so much trouble tew git ritch, as it is tew tell when we hav got ritch.

The most bitter sarkasm sleeps in silent words.

It is unkommon hard tew annihilate a man with words, – altho it is often undertook.

Hope is evryboddy's handmaid – she is a sli coquet and promises menny favors, but grants only a fu, and them are badly diskounted.

If yu want tew git at the circumference ov a man, examine him among men, – but if yu want tew get at his aktual diameter, meazure him at his fireside.

Thare is nothing so difficult tew hide as our follys.

Thare seems tew be 4 styles ov mind, —

1st, them who know it iz so!

2d, them who know it aint so!

3d, them who split the diffrence, and guess at it!

4th, them who don't care a darn which way it is!

Thare is but few men who hav karackter enuff tew lead a life ov idleness.

True Love is spelt just the same in Choctaw, as it is in English.

Thoze who retire from the world on akount ov its sin and peskyness, must not forgit that they hav got tew keep kompany with a person who wants just as much watching as ennyboddy else.

Buty that don't make a woman vain makes her very butiful.

A puppy plays with evry pup he meets, but old dorgs hav but fu associates.

He who buys what he kant want, will ear long want what he kant buy.

It kosts a good deal tew be wise, but it don't kost ennything tew be happy.

Necessity begot Invenshun, Invenshun begot Convenience, Convenience begot Pleasure, Pleasure begot Luxury, Luxury begot Riot and Disease, Riot and Disease, between them, begot Poverty, and Poverty begot Necessity again, – this is the revolushun ov man, and is about aul he kan brag on.

Power either makes a man a tyrant, or a tool.

Thare is no such thing as flattery, – if commendashun is deserved, it is no flattery, but truth, and if commendashun is undeserved, it is not flattery, but slander.

"Man was kreated a little lower than the Angels," – and it is lucky for the said Angels that he was.

"The luxury ov grief!" – this, i take it, means tew hav yure old unkle die, and leave yu $9000, and yu cry.

"Love lies bleeding!" – this is probably one ov the bludiest lies that ever was told.

LXI.

MONOGRAFFS

THE NEAT PERSON

Neatness, in my opinyun, iz one ov the virtews. I hav alwus konsidered it twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew acktually make it fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want satisfied in being a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy who kum in kontackt with it.

When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in hot water, it iz then that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of its viktim.

I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired fly light on the wall paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach up stairs and down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what they would hav him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively with the cockroach, for i don't like cockroaches miself – espeshily in mi soup.

Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don't seem tew do mutch after all, for they don't get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbling it awl over agin.

If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean a hole right thru the side ov the hogshed in less than 3 months.

They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning it, and the only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or making dip kandles.

They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go tew bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git dirty. These kind ov excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin – very regularly laid out, but not planted yet.

If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not stay but one night in a place, and i don't think she would undertake tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika.

THE PHATT MAN

Thare iz only 3 things that belong tew other folks that i ever envy, and them iz virtew, flesh, and understanding.

I suppose it iz possibel for a man tew manufakter hiz own virtew, and improve hiz stock ov understanding; but he kant kivver hiz long, lean boddy ov bones with a soft and pulpy cushion ov flesh, that is fun tew set down on.

I never cum akross a phatt man neatly dressed, with hiz slik and shining face cut generously out ov warm meat, and gashed with a pair of smaking lips, az smoothe and az gently red az the doorway tew a sea shell, and garnished with a grate pair of juicy eyes, that are forever slopping over with good natur, but what I wanted to call him unkle, and kiss him for mi ant.

And then their embonpint, (i beleave you call it,) so outspoken, so full ov good things, iz equal to a dinner, for a lean devil, like me, to look at even.

I kant tell whatt makes one man so phatt, and the next one so like an empty stocking, or a manakin in a narrow bolster, unless it iz that the phatt souls are like a mountain spring, fed from within, until they kant hold no more, and then run over the brim, tew make others happy.

Did ye ever kno a phatt man to commit sewicide? i guess yu never did; they luv gravy tew well for that.

Shaikspear loved old Jack Fallstaff more than enny picture he ever drew, and tho he filled him up tew the edge with deviltry, and stale heroism, and much sack, and but little bread, he made him phatt, and everyboddy would be verry sorry now tew hav this good-natured hillock ov flesh graded down out ov their memory.

When Shaikspear wanted sum pizen, he sought out, you remember, a lean apothekary, who kept a grocery ov beggarly boxes.

Did yu ever hear ov a phatt man being hung? I guess not. They sumtimes destroy plum puddin, and biled ox, but they never murder enny thing that ain't good tew eat.

That must hav been a phatt Frenchman who exclaimed, upon hiz fust visit tew this kuntry, "By gar! what a people! Ten tousand different religions, and only one gravy!"

In konklusion, i never knu but one phatt skool-master, and he want good for enny thing, only tew slide down hill with the boys. This satisfize me that phat iz only another name for virtew.

LXII.

JOSH TALKS

"Paul." – Yu ask me what i think ov the "Gift Distributing bizziness," and i don't hesitate tew say, that it has awl the premonitory simptums ov a dead beat.

I hav alwus found that when enny man offers tew giv me ten dollars for 50 cents, he lies; i may think he means to do it, but he don't think so; but i may possibly cum within 2 dollars and a half ov it once, and if i do, i hav dun well, a grate deal better than i will the next time.

I never put enny money into these swindles, and would as soon undertake tew raize a good sized greenback bi planting a shinplaster back ov the hog pen.

If yu get desperate, and feel az tho yu must gamble, or die, go 25 cents, odd or even, on the number ov hairs in a kat's back, and count them; this will cool yu oph.

"Peter." – I kant simpathize with yu, for i never was in love miself, and don't kno what iz best tew grease it with.

Put a plaster on yur back, and see if that won't help yu.

If yu don't git enny better, wash in kerosene ile, and eat sum green persimmons; if that don't make yu feel enny more eazier, git sea-sick, and lift up things; this will cure 9 times out ov ten.

If yu find you don't git enny better, take another dose ov sea-sickness.

If yu keep a gitting, finally, more wuss, yu hav got the real old yeller love, and no mistake.

Thare iz only one kure for this kind, and that iz the ile ov wedlock; but this iz very powerful, and wants tew be took with grate caution.

I hav known one dose ov it tew give a man phitts for life.

"Brahma Pootra." – Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust place, that hens, thus far, are a suckcess.

They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff.

This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their yunger daze; but the hen ain't tew blame for this.

Biled hen is universally respekted.