This Giddy Globe

CHAPTER XXXV

RUSSIA

Russia comprises one-sixth of the landscape and snowscape of the Globe. Formerly the property of a Czar named Nicholas, it is now owned by a Superczar named Lenine.

The principal objects of interest are Samovars, Soviets, Sables, and the Steppes.

The Steppes of Russia, though vast and quite bare, have nothing to do with those of the Russian Dancers.

At the present stage of Russian Affairs they may better be compared to the well-known Steps to Avernus, which are for descent only – and easy at that!

Today almost the only articles of Russian Manufacture are Natural Ice and Press Dispatches.

Of manufacture of the latter, as regards volume at least, there has never been such an enorm —9

Quite right! Russia is too large for such a little Geography as this.

We will leave Russia as quickly as possible.

Watch your Steppe!

CHAPTER XXXVI

NORWAY AND SWEDEN

It is all very sad about Norway and Sweden! A handsomer country couple – or couple of countries – it would be hard to meet anywhere, and so propinquous! Have they not been next-door neighbours from the infancy of the world?

And everybody knows what Propinquity does.

It is Cupid’s middle name; what more natural than that they should get married?

Haven’t you heard? Well, it all happened so quickly, they were married in Vienna in 1815, and – well, you know Propinquity is the Devil’s middle name, too – they were divorced in 1905 after a brief married life of only ninety years!

What could have been the trouble?

Some say the food, others attribute it to the Domestic Drama. Perhaps it was both. Here is a typical Scandinavian Menu —

Pjkled Ojsters

Bjsque of Snajls

Frjed Fjsh

Natjve Wjne

Qujnce Jce-cream

Onjons and Bjsqujts

It might almost pass for an Ibsen Play with the average theatre-goer; it has what the average theatre-goer calls “atmosphere.”

I once drew Ibsen, looking boredAcross a deep Norwegian Fjord,And very nearly everyoneMistook him for the Midnight Sun.

Norway is the home of the Ibsenian or stodgy, as distinguished from the stagey, Drama.

James Huneker, the eminent Lexicographer, as a compliment to that great and hirsutiferous playwright, has re-christened Norway “The Land of the Midnight Whiskers.”

The inhabitants of Norway and Sweden are the most Moral and Patriotic People in the World, and they won the World War.

CHAPTER XXXVII

AFRICA

Africa is the richest “jack-pot” in the game of territorial “freeze-out” played by the European Powers. The stakes represent diamonds, gold, ivory, rubber and slaves, though the latter are nominally outside the limit.

The game began nearly three centuries ago and now in the early morning of the twentieth century (such a fascinating game is Poker!) it is still in progress, though Germany, who staked all her pile and lost, has dropped out.

The ancient Greek Geographer Strabo (64 B. C.) describes Africa as “the fruitful nurse of large serpents, elephants, antelopes and similar animals; of lions also and panthers.” He does not mention the Chimpanzees, who are the most remarkable of all the aboriginal inhabitants, a gentle and peace-loving race, abstemious without being bigoted, and patriotic to a high degree, very few surviving transportation from their native jungle.

Children, behold the Chimpanzee!He sits on the ancestral treeFrom which we sprang in ages gone,I’m glad we sprang – had we held onWe might, for all that I can say,Be horrid Chimpanzees to-day.

The inhabitants of Africa are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

CHAPTER XXXVIII

ARABIA

Arabia is the home of the Camel and the Bedouin.

“The Camel may be likened toA desert ship. (This is not new.)He is a most ungainly craft,With frowning turrets fore and aftWe little realize on earth,How much we owe to his great girth,For should he ever shrink so smallAs through the needle’s eye to crawl,Rich men might climb the golden stairsAnd so leave nothing to their heirs.”

The Camel is called the ship of the desert because its gait is said to resemble the motion of a ship.

To be strictly accurate it is a hundred times worse than a ship, but not quite so bad as a motor bus.

The Bedouin makes his bed in the sand, or bed-rock, avoiding river-beds or water in any form.

He must not be confounded with the Folding-Bedouins of North America.

The Folding-Bedouins are a semi-nomadic tribe, supposed by some to be related to the Hall-Roomanians and the Red-Inkas of Bohemia.

The inhabitants of Arabia are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

CHAPTER XXXIX

AUSTRALIA

Anyone desiring a change from the wearisome rotation of our seasons, should go to Australia, where Spring commences on September the twenty-third, Summer on December the twenty-second, Autumn on March the twenty-first and Winter on June the twenty-first.

The Fauna of Australia, as if determined not to be outdone in eccentricity by the Seasons, is represented by the Ornithorynchus Paradoxus, which Peter Simple has described in the following lines

My child, the Duck-billed PlatypusA sad example sets for us.From him we learn how indecisionOf character provokes derision.This vacillating beast, you see,Could not decide which he would be —Fish, flesh or fowl – and chose all three.The scientists were sorely vexed,To classify him so perplexedTheir brains that they with rage at bayCalled him a horrid name one day,A name that baffles, frights and shocks usOrnithorynchus Paradoxus.

The inhabitants of Australia are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

CHAPTER XL

CHINA

China is known as the Flowery Kingdom. It is the most exclusive flower-garden in the world, and is surrounded by a high wall.

The only Flower that succeeds in climbing the high wall is the little flower of Pekoe and her sisters who leave their Porcelain Paradise to cheer without inebriating the dull people of the outside world.

The country of China, too, may be likened to a Flower; her treasure is the envy of the world, and flower-like she must remain rooted to the ground while the Busy Bees from other lands relieve her of everything she possesses.

Everyone agrees that China should have an Open Door, but the Busy Bee Nations want a Door that opens only inwards, while the Flower Nation wants a door that opens only outwards.

At a recent conference of Bees and Flowers, Peter Simple suggested a Revolving Door as a compromise.

A commission was at once appointed by President Chu Chin Chow to report on Revolving Doors.

The matter is still being revolved. It may end in a Revolution.

The inhabitants of China are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

CHAPTER XLI

JAPAN

The inhabitants of Japan are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

CHAPTER XLII

EGYPT, INDIA, ITALY, SPAIN, GREECE, ETC

No work on Geography could be called complete without a description of these six (counting, etc.) countries.

If the Reader should ask me how I came to leave six such important countries to the last page, I should be compelled to change the subject.

Writing a little Geography Book is like packing a very small bag for a journey round the world, only instead of cramming it with shirts and shoes and collars and handkerchiefs and brushes, you stuff it full of countries, and when you try to close it (as with the bag) you always find that you have left out at least several of the most important things.

No amount of squeezing (or sitting on the lid) will make room for six such big countries in a little book that is already as full as it can be.

The only thing to do is to take out all the countries and lay them in a row and see which you can get along best without; you can’t possibly spare any of the large countries; the question is how many of the little countries together would —10

Oh, very well! If that’s the way the Reader feels about it it shall stop right here.

THE END

EPILOGUE

If this little world to-nightSuddenly should fall thro’ spaceIn a hissing, headlong flightShrivelling from off its face,As it falls into the sun,In an instant every traceOf the little crawling things —Ants, philosophers, and lice,Cattle, cockroaches, and kings,Beggars, millionaires, and mice,Men and maggots all as oneAs it falls into the sun —Who can say but at the sameInstant from some planet farA child may watch us and exclaim:“See the pretty shooting star!”

APPENDIX

See next page

THE APPENDIX

has been removed

1

The Author is digressing.

The Reader.

2

Take it away, or we won’t read another word!

The Reader.

3

Pardon us for interrupting – but we thought this was to be a geography book.

The Reader.

4

This is all very interesting, but don’t you think perhaps it is —

The Reader.

5

Isn’t it about time to drop this personal simile?

The Reader.

6

We fail to see what this has to do with Geography.

The Reader.

7

The term Patriot is derived from two Greek words, Pat, a patronymic, and Riot, a national pastime.

8

Alliteration is the thief of accuracy!

Pâté de fois gras is the product of Strasburg.

The Reader.

9

Why go on about Russia?

The Reader.

10

You are digressing again, worse than ever! This thing has got to stop!

The Reader.