This Giddy Globe

How appalling! And think of the moment when it is to be decided once and forever which it is to be – Blonde or Brunette!

Oh those Wise and Great Ones!

CHAPTER XVI

GOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBE

The best definition of Government may be found in Wordsworth’s lines:

“The simple planThat they should take who have the powerAnd they should keep who can.”

In every community on Earth, the strongest, the craftiest or the wealthiest of the male inhabitants conspire to compel their weaker, stupider or poorer brothers and sisters to pay them for the privilege of remaining on earth.

Government by the Strongest is called an Absolute Monarchy.

Government by the Craftiest, a Limited Monarchy.

Government by the Wealthiest, a Republic.

In an Absolute Monarchy, the People are Controlled.

In a Limited Monarchy, they are Cajoled.

In a Republic, they are Sold.

For the successful operation of Limited Monarchies and Republics, it is necessary to delude the Common People into the belief that they are managing their own affairs.

This is accomplished by means of a House of Lords, Congress, Chamber of Deputies, Diet, Cortes, Assembly, Soviet, Etc.

These merry contrivances are designed on the principle of the revolving squirrel-cage, furnishing harmless exercise without progression.

QUESTIONS

Q. What is a Constitution?

A. A concession to Liberty enabling her to talk herself to death.

Q. What is the essential difference between one government and another?

A. The price of life.

CHAPTER XVII

THE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBE

According to Moses, the First Geographer, Immorality is an heirloom handed down to us by our First Parents.

Men of Science, on the other hand, declare it to be merely the psycho-neurotic reaction of climatic environment on the celliferous organism.

In other words, Vice is nothing more than Virtue outside of its natural geographical latitude.

This is clearly set forth in the accompanying Moral Map of the World in which the familiar idiosyncrasies of Mankind which we are wont to differentiate as Virtues or Vices are shown for the first time in their proper geographical environment.

(See Moral Map of the World.)

PART II

THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH

The Countries of the Earth may be divided into two Groups, the English speaking countries and the Foreign Countries.

The English Speaking Countries which comprise the United States and the British Empire occupy one fourth of the entire surface of the Globe.

The rest are just Foreign Countries.

CHAPTER XVIII

THE POLES

The Earth has three kinds of Poles, the Frigid Poles in the North and South and the very hot Poles in the centre of Europe.

This chapter is about the North Pole.

The North Pole is the Geographical interrogation point of the Earth.

It is probably the only absolutely moral spot in the World.

Scientists declare it to be the site of the Garden of Eden, thus giving colour to the popular notion that Eden was the original Roof Garden.

The only language that has ever been spoken at the North Pole is English.

The language that Lieutenant Peary used when he found the footprint of Doctor Cook on the Pole, whatever else it might be, was English, and the language of the next discoverer, when he finds (or does not find) the footprint of Lieutenant Peary, will probably be English too.

Whatever use may be ultimately found for the North Pole, up to the present time it has only been used for advertising purposes.

The frozen tracts that surround it bear the names of Adventurers, Princes and Editors, and the very topmost tip, out of compliment to a well-known pianist and politician, has been called the Magnetic Pole.

So far as we know, all the disadvantages of the North Pole are shared by the South Pole, but for some reason the South Pole has never been so successful as an advertising medium.

CHAPTER XIX

AMERICA

Let us see America first.

On a modern map of the Western Hemisphere America is as easy to see as the Decorations on the breast of a Rear Admiral of a Dry Dock.

One wonders how it escaped being discovered so long!

But when you look at this map of the Western Hemisphere as it appeared about a thousand years ago, when Lief Ericsen discovered New England, you will understand that discovering America in those days was no child’s play.

Nevertheless, Lief, the son of Eric, did not think much of his find.

How could a lowbrowed viking be expected to understand Boston, much less what was going to be Boston in a thousand years!

After writing his Impressions of America in obscure Runes on a conspicuous rock, Lief pulled up his anchor and sailed home to Norway.

No one could decipher the Runes, but everybody suspected what they meant.

And Lief was justly punished for his rudeness, his statue stands (so runs the tale) in the Fenway of Boston to this day.

America was not discovered again for nearly five hundred years.

Then Christopher Columbus took a hand, but though he made four trips to the New World, Columbus carelessly neglected to write a book or even a magazine article on his Impressions of America.

A new path in Navigation, just as in Art or Literature, once shown, is easy to follow, and seven years later an Italian plagiarist named Amerigo discovered America all over again and copyrighted the whole continent in his own name.

By this time, as the accompanying map will show, the continent of America had gained considerably in bulk and offered an easy mark to the horde of discoverers who came in the wake of Amerigo.

And still they come – and though it is too late to secure a copyright on the continent they never fail to copyright their impressions of America.

CHAPTER XX

BOSTON

In spite of many laudable attempts, America was never seriously discovered until the year 1620 when the Mayflower landed in Massachusetts a cargo of Heirlooms, Boston Terriers, Beans and Ancestors.

Thus were established the three leading industries of Massachusetts, the manufacture of genuine antique furniture and Pedigrees (Human and canine).

BOSTON is a centre of Gravity completely surrounded by Newtons.

BOSTON is also the centre of the Universe.

The great poet Anonymous has immortalized Boston as

“The home of the Bean and the CodWhere Lowells speak only to CabotsAnd Cabots speak only to God.”

Some say the lines were not written by Anonymous but by a later poet named Ibid, but what does a poet’s name matter except to his creditors?

Boston is famous for its historic associations and landmarks which well repay a visit.

Even the quaint and curious Pullmans that convey the traveller thither are relics of a bygone day and a joy to the heart of the antiquarian.

CHAPTER XXI

THE UNITED STATES

The United States is a large body of laughter-loving people completely surrounded by Trusts.

It is the richest country in the world. Nowhere is food so plentiful, nowhere are the Cows so friendly, the Hens so industrious.

When the American Hens die they go to join their unhatched children in a cold-storage Heaven where they live forever.

So too the Cows, so too the Fish, if there is room for them; if not they are turned into fertilizer to keep them from scaling down the market price.

To add to the merriment of the People, the Sovereign Farmers and Financiers passed an amendment to the Constitution and Holy Writ (See I. Timothy V. 23.) abolishing Temperance, the sin of resisting temptation.

At their bidding, thousands of acres of deadly grape vines have been destroyed, and, if these great and good men fulfil their promise, ere long the nation will be saved also from the ravages of the vicious Tobac —6

Well, to return to the United States. The United States is a large dry country bounded on the north by Canadian Club Whisky, on the south by Mexican Pulque, and on the East and West by Salt Water. The Population consists of one hundred million thirsty souls, some of whom are Americans.

Religious to a fault, and ambidexterously prodigal, they nevertheless show signs of reverting to the condition of the Arboreal Anthropoids.

A race of Straphangers is developing. At certain hours of the day, they may be seen seeking their habitations in great flocks, swinging from strap to strap with loud cries and a peculiar whirling motion.

The Original inhabitants were Red Indians; these were supplanted by Pale Pilgrims, who first settled the country and then settled the Indians.

The Indian practice of painting and wearing feathers shocked the Pilgrim Fathers and Pilgrim Mothers, but the Pilgrim Daughters made a note of the fashions for future use.

The climate of the United States is bracing and stimulating; travellers have even been known to compare the air to champagne but, though highly exhilarating it is absolutely non-intoxicating.

Prohibition Chemists after a careful analysis having discovered no perceptible trace of Alcohol, The Anti-Saloon League has decided that the use of the atmosphere shall be in no way restricted.

In large cities the sky is kept clean by means of tall Sky-Scrapers. Nowhere is there a more impressive example of American inventive Genius than the array of Sky-Scrapers seen from New York Harbour, day and night, year in, year out, scraping away the germ-laden dust and refuse and imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to the surface of the sky.

Another object of interest in the harbour is the statue of a once popular favourite.

People who remember her, say it is far from a flattering likeness.

The Capitol of the United States is Washington – named after a famous Britisher who won American Independence from George the III, the fat German King of unsound mind, then holding down the English Throne.

New York is the tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It contains over Five million people speaking a Babel of twenty different languages besides English.

The inhabitants of America are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

CHAPTER XXII

CANADA

Canada, with the exception of Mexico, is the only part of North America not ruled by the Irish.

In former days it was a popular Health Resort for frenzied financiers who wished to retire from private life.

It is now a still more popular resort for Americans suffering from thirst.

Though next door neighbours and rivals in business and, what is still more trying, near relatives, Canada and the United States are the best of friends.

For over a hundred years there has not been so much as a picket-fence or a policeman, much less a patrol or a fortification, on the border line between the two countries.

Canada has not, like her sister Columbia, “severed home ties”; she is perfectly happy under the parental roof, earns her own living, has a latch key and stays out as late as she pleases and has never been able to understand “why girls leave home.”

Though differing in many respects, the United States and Canada have so much in common and are so nearly of the same age and size that, in any musical comedy of Nations, the two might easily pass for a “sister turn.”

The inhabitants of Canada are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

CHAPTER XXIII

GREAT BRITAIN

If you look carefully under the upper left hand corner of the map of Europe, you will find a small pink island no bigger than the state of Idaho.

But a Country must not be judged by its size.

The Planet Jupiter is twelve times as large as this Giddy Globe of ours, and has eight private moons of its own, but for all that Jupiter is not a desirable spot for Lovers, being for the most part molten, and somewhat spotty.

This little Pink Island is Great Britain, the little mother of one-fourth of all the countries of the Globe, including the United States.

The English People, or (if one must be accurate) the British, are the most to and fro-ward people in the world; like the bear in the fable when they are tired of going to and fro they reverse the process and go fro and to.

With Bibles and BathtubsAnd Ballots and BeerAnd Hope and HygienicsThey girdle the Sphere.

In every quarter of the globe they have planted seeds of self-government which today are blossoming into an English-Speaking Union under the British and American Flags that embrace one-fourth of the surface of the earth.

The climate of England is temperate. Its air is not, like that of the United States, compared to champagne.

London, the capital, is famous for its fogs; this is due to the absence of Sky-Scrapers.

London is also the centre of that vicious heritage of the Victorian Era, Respectability.

For any enjoyable degree of latitude, the Londoner must go to Paris, Vienna or Buda Pesth and other capitals, which in return take their degrees of longitude from London (or Greenwich).

This picture shows the famous Rock of Gibraltar, inscribed with the French motto of British respectability (Honi soit qui mal y pense) done into English.

The principal products of Great Britain are Beef, Bishops, Banks, and Barometers.

The inhabitants of England are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

CHAPTER XXIV

SCOTLAND

A mountainous, peaty region in the northern part of Great Britain.

The Dew distilled from the Scotch mountains, flavoured with the peat of the valleys is highly prized by the natives, not only of Scotland but of all the English speaking countries of this Giddy Globe.

The inhabitants are a tall, barb-wiry, music-loving, pious and joke-fearing race, fond of loud plaids and still Lauder songs.

Their tall spare frames have given rise to the term Bony (or Bonny) Scotland, supposed by some to be derived from “Bonnet,” the national headgear.

The principal products of Scotland are Porridge, Parsons and Pilbrochs.

The inhabitants of Scotland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

CHAPTER XXV

IRELAND

Ireland is the land of the Irish Bull, a paradoxical Bovine whose cross-eyed horns can toss a British commonplace in two directions at once.

The population of Ireland consists chiefly of Absentee landlords and Emigrants to the United States.

They are ruled by two Absentee governments, a Parliament at Westminster and an Itinerant President.

The country is infested with Absentee Snakes. It is believed that the Serpent who tempted Eve (from the “way he had with the women”) was one of these Absentee snakes.

Strabo, the Greek Geographer who visited Ireland long before St. Patrick, describes the inhabitants as, “more savage than the Britons, feeding on human flesh and enormous eaters, deeming it commendable to devour their deceased fathers.”

Strabo evidently attended a wake and miscalculated the strength of the national beverage.

The principal products of Ireland are Potatoes, Pugilists, Patriots,7 Poteen and Bernard Shaw.

The inhabitants of Ireland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

CHAPTER XXVI

WALES

See the Welsh Rabbit – he is bred on cheese;(Or cheese on bread, whichever way you please).Although he’s tough, he looks so mild, who’d thinkThat a strong man from this small beast would shrink?Carolyn Wells.

Wales is the home of the Welsh bards so called because the language in which they are written, which resembles a mixture of Chech, Chinese, Celtic and Chocktaw, is barred from the concert and operatic stage.

The most famous products of Wales are the Welsh Rabbit, the Prince of Wales and Lloyd George.

The Welsh Rabbit, born in a chafing dish and prolific as his namesake of Australia, has spread all over the Giddy Globe and been a potent factor in keeping the world awake.

Lloyd George too (strange parallel!) was born in a political chafing dish and has been an even more powerful factor in keeping the world awake.

Let us hope that the Prince of Wales (Bless him) will follow in the footsteps of this illustrious pair and live to keep the world awake long after this Geography has gone into its hundred thousandth edition!

The Prince has been immortalized in the following lines:

“Hurray!” cried the Kitten,“Hurray!”As he merrily set the sails,“I sail o’er the ocean today, today,To look at the Prince of Wales!”“Oh, Kitten, pause at the brink!And think of the angry gales!”“Ah, yes,” cried the Kitten, “but think!Oh, think of the Prince of Wales!”“But, Kitten,” I cried, dismayed,“If you live through the angry galesYou know you will be afraidTo look at the Prince of Wales!”Said the Kitten, “No such thing!Why should he make me wince?If a Cat may look at a King,A Kitten may look at a Prince!”

PART III

FOREIGN COUNTRIES

CHAPTER XXVII

SOUTH AMERICA

From the beginning of time up to the present century, the continents of North and South America were joined together in terrestrial bonds of matrimony.

They were seemingly inseparable.

The first indication that everything was not as it should be with this long united couple, was in the year 1880, when a Frenchman named De Lesseps (who had already succeeded in divorcing Asia and Africa) attempted to bring about a separation.

The attempt, however, was a failure, and, after dragging on for eight years, proceedings were dropped for want of funds.

Fourteen years later President Roosevelt, desiring to remove all obstacles to a much desired union of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, started a new action for divorce on the same grounds as that of De Lesseps, and in August, 1902, the divorce of North and South America and the wedding of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans were simultaneously celebrated.

The Northern and Southern continents are now better friends than ever and the Atlantic Ocean no longer has to sneak round by the back door to spend an evening with the Pacific.

CHAPTER XXVIII

HOLLAND

The Dutch are the cleanest people in the world. So deep-seated is Dutch cleanliness that Godliness (in the next seat) must get up and cling to a strap.

In Holland they run cleanliness into the ground, the heads of the cabbages are inspected every day and the ears of the corn and the necks of the bottles scrubbed regularly every Saturday night.

The Sky alone escapes the mop of the Dutch housewife but the clouds are kept busy posing for the landscape painters.

Even the Wind is not allowed to be idle; wind mills are posted everywhere and not a breath of air can stir without performing some useful task.

And the Sea! The majestic Sea, that has always boasted of its freedom, is locked up in Dykes and forced to do the work of highways and railroads.

The capital of Holland is the Hague, and here was held the first Peace Conference (in 1898), a gathering of Autocrats and Plutocrats to discuss the Economics of War.

Firstly, to make rules by which war may be conducted with the least possible damage to Vested Interests.

Secondly, to reduce the cost of war by the use of methods which, while putting a soldier out of action, will not injure him beyond the possibility of repair for use in another War.

Today the Peace Palace is to let and Andrew Carnegie, who built it, is dead, but another Conference (called by Woodrow Wilson) is to be held in Geneva which, Peter Simple hopes, will abolish War forever.

The inhabitants of Holland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

CHAPTER XXIX

BELGIUM

Belgium may be compared to a Hollandaise Sauce with a piquant Gallic flavour.

Belgium is the Bridgeway from Prussia to France, and King Albert of Belgium is the modern Horatius who

“ … facing fearful odds,For the ashes of his fathersAnd the temples of his Gods,”

kept “the bridge” in the brave days of 1914.

Crowns are not as fashionable today as they were in 1914, but the Crown of King Albert is of the sort that will never be out of style, and besides being a perfect fit, is strikingly becoming to him.

When Julius Cæsar described the Belgians as the “Bravest of all the Gauls” he was a Prophet as well as a Historian.

The inhabitants of Belgium are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and if they hadn’t “kept the bridge” the World War could never have been won.

CHAPTER XXX

FRANCE

France is the greatest Millinery Power on earth. The capital of France is Paris.

Paris, though inhabited largely by Americans and English, is famous for its gaiety.

The principal products of Paris are Plaster of Paris, Paris Green, Parasols and Pâté de fois gras.8

The Reader is, for once, mistaken. Paris, as everyone knows, is France, and Strasburg, thanks to Haig, Foch, Albert, Pershing and Co., is now French.

Paris is divided into two parts —

I. Paris Proper

Famous for The Eiffel tower, a sky-scraper that contains no offices and the Magasin de Louvre which is visited by thousands of Americans daily.

There is also another Louvre containing some pictures (hand painted) and statues.

II. Paris Improper

.....................

.....................

.....................

(See Appendix.)

The inhabitants of France are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

CHAPTER XXXI

GERMANY

THIS SPACE TO LET

While Repairs are being made, in the temporary absence of Messrs. Hohenzollern & Co., the Show Window of this establishment may be rented for the display of Bolshevism, Anarchism, Socialism, or any other popular Ism that may apply.

CHAPTER XXXII

SWITZERLAND

Switzerland is famous for its Condensed Milk, Cuckoo Clocks, Yodelers, and Heroes.

The Swiss are an Artless people.

“What more worthy people! Whose every Alpine gap yawns with tradition, and is stocked with noble story, yet, the perverse and scornful one (Art) will none of it, and the sons of patriots are left with the clock that turns the mill, and the sudden cuckoo, with difficulty restrained in its box.”

Whistler.

The inhabitants of Switzerland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

CHAPTER XXXIII

MONACO

Monaco is the centre of the spinning industry of the world.

Over a million and a quarter people go to Monte Carlo every year to spin.

The inhabitants of Monaco are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.

CHAPTER XXXIV

TURKEY

When what was once a Turkey comes before us on a platter (like this) shorn of all that endeared it to itself, a burnt offering to Appetite, fresh from the burning, no one questions what will be the “ … last scene of all. That ends this strange eventful history.”

All he wants to know is whether he will get the particular slice he has mentally reserved for himself.

Just so that other Turkey that sits on the fence between Europe and Asia and gobbles defiance at an avenging world.

The avenging Powers sit round as they have sat round before, waiting each one for the slice he has mentally reserved for himself. But there won’t be any slices!

You may burn, you may shatterThe Turk if you will,He will rise from his ashesAnd roost with you still.

He is the modern incarnation of the indestructible Phœnix Bird.

Nevertheless we must give the Devil his due; the Turks are a fearless people; they have many wives.

The inhabitants of Turkey are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and they won the World War.