The Child’s Secret

‘Much better,’ she said with a nod of approval as she invited him in.

Selina’s apartment, although more or less the same size as Sam’s, had a different configuration. Most notably, she had sacrificed living space in favour of a large and homely kitchen with enough room to accommodate a family-sized dining table. There were other differences too. Selina was by no means short of homely adornments and had accumulated enough bric-a-brac to cover every available surface, making the décor as demanding of attention as the woman herself. There was no discernible theme to her collection of china figurines and carved animals, nor any co-ordination of colours or styles. Likewise, the paintings on the walls were an eclectic mix and obscured so much of the wall space that there was little evidence of the wallpaper Sam had helped Selina put up six months earlier. The only thing Selina did have in common with Sam was an absence of family photographs on display.

‘Sit yourself down,’ she said and returned to the oven where the makings of a roast dinner was ready to serve.

It smelled delicious, as always, especially compared to Sam’s usual diet of defrosted ready meals, but on closer inspection the roast potatoes were crisp to the point of being charred and the vegetables were on the verge of disintegrating.

‘I know,’ she said, ‘it’s a little overcooked.’

‘Sorry,’ he said, knowing full well that Selina’s timings had only been off because he had stayed out so long.

Selina put her own plate on the table, her portion sizes dwarfed by those she had imposed on her guest, before taking a seat opposite Sam. ‘So what kept you out so long?’

‘I had a bit of a heavy session last night and needed to sweat it out.’

Selina narrowed her eyes. ‘You can’t fool me, Sam McIntyre. So which was it? Were you trying to punish yourself or make your mind up about something?’

Sam played with his food as he wondered how to begin. ‘A bit of both,’ he said at last.

Not satisfied with the answer, Selina waited patiently for further explanation.

‘I knew I’d get comments when I turned up at the party with Anna, but it was her reaction more than anything that bothered me,’ he said. ‘She was talking about her ideas for publishing that children’s book she’s been going on about and it only took one comment about a partnership for Jack’s wife to jump to the conclusion that we were practically engaged. And even though Anna kept telling her it was early days … I don’t know, it was the way she looked at me, as if we were keeping our plans a secret rather than there not being any plans at all.’

‘But there could be one day,’ Selina said, posing the statement as a question.

‘I like Anna and I keep pinching myself that someone like her could be interested in me,’ he said. ‘I enjoy her company, Selina, but if I’m being brutally honest, I can’t see us taking things beyond what they are now.’

‘Never?’ Selina asked, genuinely surprised.

Sam had taken a mouthful of his dinner and chewed as hard on his answer as he did his food. ‘I keep trying to convince myself it’s too soon to tell if the attraction is simply superficial. We’ve been seeing each other for less than two months and we barely know each other.’

‘There’s one way of solving that, Sam: talk to her. Tell her about your feelings. Tell her about you.’

Sam reverted to playing with his food again. ‘No,’ he said firmly. If he had reached one conclusion during his run it was that he shouldn’t be encouraging Anna any more than he already had. ‘I’m not even sure I should keep on seeing her. She’s young and she needs to be with someone she can build a life with. That isn’t me, you know that.’

‘You’re a good catch, Sam, and she’d have to be a fool not to want a future with you. The only fool I can see right now is you. What if she could make you happy?’

‘But I don’t want her kind of happy!’ said Sam as he stabbed at a carrot and immediately turned it to mush. ‘I’m not sure I want happy at all. And yes, I am a fool; a fool for getting involved with her in the first place. It would have been better if I’d just been left in peace.’

Selina had been nibbling at her dinner as if oblivious to Sam’s growing agitation, but when she looked up there was a glint in her eye. ‘You’ve got no chance of that, I’m afraid.’

The comment made Sam smile. ‘Ah, but I can always close my door and ignore you,’ he said but then reconsidered his answer. ‘Actually, no I can’t do that either, can I? But you’re different, Selina. You don’t want anything from me. OK, that’s wrong too.’ Sam was almost laughing now. ‘Yes, you play on my good nature, use my body for your own purposes—’

‘And don’t forget my friends.’

‘Yes, let’s not forget the services I provide to half the octogenarians in Liverpool!’

‘Pat’s only seventy-five,’ she protested.

Exasperated, Sam held aloft his knife and fork in submission. ‘Look, I am willing to accept that we’ve become the weirdest couple in Liverpool but we still live alone, Selina. You’ve chosen your way of life and I’ve chosen mine. I thought going out with Anna was the right thing to do, proving to myself that I’ve still got a pulse, but I never wanted to give up my old way of life completely. The problem is, it’s all about satisfying my needs, not Anna’s. I should have thought about her and what she might want – what she does want from our relationship.’

‘For the record, I didn’t choose my lifestyle,’ Selina reminded him.

Sam dropped his head in shame. Of course it hadn’t been Selina’s choice to live what would have been an otherwise lonely existence for the last fifty years if it weren’t for the good friends around her. She certainly hadn’t chosen to be involved in a car accident that would see her lose both her husband and her unborn child. At only thirty-one she had buried them both, along with her ability to ever carry another child. ‘Sorry, that was a stupid thing to say.’

‘I’m not going to be around forever, Sam, and whilst I have a long list of friends who would happily take my place in your life, that isn’t the answer either. You may think you can go it alone, but you can’t. It isn’t in your nature.’

‘You’re not going anywhere and neither am I,’ Sam said.

Selina folded her arms as she faced Sam’s stubbornness head on. ‘Do you like Anna?’

‘Yes, of course.’

‘If you weren’t so worried about not being able to live up to her expectations, would you still want to carry on seeing her?’

‘Yes, but—’

‘That’s settled then. If you can’t have Anna on your conscience, then put her on mine. I’m telling you to carry on seeing her, Sam. And that’s an order,’ she said and before he could continue the argument, added, ‘Now, is that it or is there anything else playing on your mind?’

Shocked at the swift resolution of his relationship woes, in Selina’s mind at least, Sam was too stunned to reply.

‘What else, Sam?’

He shrugged. There was something, or to be precise someone; a little girl who had sneaked into his heart. ‘Remember the trouble my Wishing Tree got me into?’ he said. ‘Well, I think I’ve managed to grant one wee girl her wish.’

‘Not the one who wanted a job for her dad?’

Sam laughed. ‘Well, I haven’t been handing out PlayStations, if that’s what you were thinking!’

At last he was starting to relax and tucked into his dinner with an appetite he had thought was beyond him. By the time he cleared his plate, he had explained to Selina all about meeting Finn and how he had already put in a good word with Jack.

Stretching back against his chair to give his expanded girth some room, Sam picked up a paper napkin from the table. It was crisp white tissue paper and perfectly square, ideal for origami and his fingers worked their magic with barely a conscious thought. ‘I’ll give Jack another ring tomorrow just to make sure he hasn’t forgotten,’ he explained. ‘He was a little bit worse for wear when I mentioned it, but he seemed keen enough to take my recommendation.’

‘But you don’t even know this Finn person,’ Selina warned. ‘How can you recommend someone for a job when you have no idea if he’s a good worker or even a decent bloke for that matter?’

Anna had been voicing her doubts as well, but Sam couldn’t be dissuaded. ‘I’d like to think I’m a good judge of character and I wouldn’t have asked Jack if I thought I was landing him with a shirker. Besides, the work’s only general labour and it’s not even permanent but at least it’s a job.’

‘Which satisfies the wish.’

Selina had been the only other person to actually read Jasmine’s note and there was a look of delight on her face that removed any remaining doubt Sam might have had. ‘Sometimes all a person needs is a step on the first rung of the ladder. It’s for Finn to make of it what he can.’

‘Another one for your collection?’ Selina was looking at the crane Sam had brought to life from a simple paper napkin. ‘You must have hundreds of them by now.’

Sam folded its wings back up and slipped it into his pocket where it would remain until he returned back upstairs to add it to his collection. At the last count, there were six hundred of the things in the shoebox. ‘There’s an ancient Japanese myth that if you make a thousand then you’ll have your wish granted,’ he told her.

Selina had seen him make countless birds in her time, but he had never before explained himself and he wasn’t sure why he chose to do so now. He had told the same story to a young girl many years ago. She would have been a little older than Jasmine at the time and a lot less gullible, but if she had doubted him then she hadn’t let it show and they had started on the project of making one thousand cranes together. He felt compelled to carry on although he had no idea what he would do when he reached the magical number. ‘And before you say it, no I don’t have a wish. All the mumbo jumbo in the world couldn’t give me the one thing I want. What’s broken can’t be unbroken, and while there are many things I will never come to terms with, that’s not one of them.’

‘Fair enough,’ she said.

There was a lull in the conversation until Sam broke the spell. ‘So where’s this beer you promised?’

Selina produced two cans of Guinness from the fridge and poured them into glasses.

‘You’re pushing the boat out, aren’t you? Isn’t smart-price bitter good enough for you these days?’

‘I didn’t buy them. They’re off Pat.’

Sam caught the look Selina was trying to hide and asked, ‘What’s she after?’

Selina handed Sam his glass and then sat down purposefully. ‘Well, now you’ve asked,’ she said, ‘there is a little job she wouldn’t mind your help with. You know she’s bought a caravan?’

‘Is this the one she took you to in Wales?’

‘Yes, Pantymwyn,’ Selina replied. ‘It’s only about an hour’s drive away. It’s a lovely little site in the middle of some stunning countryside – it’s more like a little village, really. Everyone takes care of their own little patch of land and their gardens are their pride and joy.’

‘So what does she need doing in this pretty little place that’s only an hour’s drive away?’

Selina took a sip of beer that left a trail of foam on her upper lip then wiped it away with the back of her hand. ‘A bit of decking and a general tidy up, I think, in time for a family get-together over the August Bank Holiday. I’ve already told her she couldn’t expect you to do it in a day. “Pat,” I said, “that man hasn’t had a holiday in all the time I’ve known him. If you’re expecting miracles then let him have some time to relax too.” We were thinking a week would be enough.’

‘I don’t need a holiday,’ Sam warned, ‘not even a working one.’

‘Everyone needs a holiday.’

‘When was the last time you went on one? Oh, don’t tell me you’re planning on coming along too?’ He was laughing again and so was Selina.

‘As tempting as it is to go off to foreign climes, someone has to stay here to look after the house. No, I was thinking …’

Sam knew exactly what Selina was going to say. The scheme she had been conjuring up with her friend’s help was based on the same presumption everyone had made at the party the night before: that Anna had become a permanent appendage to Sam’s life. But that was before their recent heart to heart and now Selina knew better. He could tell her mind was whirring by the twitch in her eye.

‘I was thinking,’ she continued, ‘that you could go on your own. I don’t condone you spending the rest of your life in seclusion but you do need to recharge your batteries.’

‘When I’m not digging up Pat’s garden,’ Sam added, but Selina didn’t need to argue her case any more. ‘Actually, it’s not a half-bad idea. I could go for some long walks and clear away the cobwebs. Of course, I’d have to check out the job first to make sure I know what I’m letting myself in for, but yes, all right then. Tell her to give me a call and we can set something up.’

At last Selina had found a way to settle his mind, although possibly not in the way she had intended. He had gone out on a run because he was starting to feel that same urge to escape that had made him leave Edinburgh. He was trying to resist it because he didn’t want to run away again so perhaps a temporary break might give him the space he needed.

10

Sam’s flat: Wednesday 7 October 2015

As they sat facing each other across the dining table, Sam could feel a trap closing in around him and he had to work hard to keep his breathing steady and his expression neutral.

‘Remind me again, Mr McIntyre,’ Harper said, ‘when did you first meet Jasmine?’

‘During a school trip to the park.’

‘No, I mean when. What time of year?’

Sam tried to think back. ‘There were bluebells around the tree, so it would have been spring time.’

‘You can still picture it in your mind, can you?’ Harper asked. His eyes had widened like a cat’s watching its prey.

‘I’d guess it was late April,’ Sam clarified. ‘But there’ll be a record of the visit at work if that would help.’

Harper looked thoughtful and his eye was drawn to the green square of paper on the table. He reached out without warning and turned it over. There was a look of disappointment on his face when he discovered it had a white underside that was blank and otherwise nondescript. Returning his attention to Sam, he asked, ‘And you met Mr Peterson when?’

Sam scratched his head, which felt flaky with dried salty sweat. ‘Early to mid-June. It was the day of Jack’s leaving party, so again, it will be in a diary somewhere at work.’

‘And did you see Jasmine again during that time?’

‘No, I didn’t.’

Harper sucked in air between his teeth. ‘That’s quite a gap. Did you want to see her?’

The detective knew Sam wasn’t going to answer so continued where his train of thought was leading him. ‘So you meet Jasmine in April and her dad in June. You realize at this point that while you can bump into Mr Peterson any time you like in his local, it wouldn’t be so easy to engineer a meeting with Jasmine again. Would that be right?’

Sam was shaking his head. ‘This is sick! There’s a child missing and I don’t know where she is. I would never harm Jasmine, if anything I only ever wanted to protect her. Stop wasting time here, DCI Harper, and go out and find her for pity’s sake!’

Harper continued as if Sam’s outburst hadn’t happened. ‘Are you still refusing to allow us to search your apartment, Mr McIntyre?’ Harper asked. ‘We can wait for a search warrant but I’d rather have your co-operation.’

‘I don’t recall saying that you couldn’t,’ Sam said. He could feel his clenched jaw aching now. He let out a frustrated sigh that he wished was powerful enough to knock the smug detective off his chair. ‘Go ahead, do what you want.’

‘Thank you, Mr McIntyre.’ Without breaking his gaze with Sam, Harper lifted his hand and signalled to the police officer behind him. ‘So, where were we?’ he asked as his colleague slipped out of the apartment, presumably to organize a search team. ‘Ah, yes, we know how you met Jasmine and her dad, but what about her mum? How did you manage to inveigle your way into her life?’

11

Saturday 20 June 2015

Selina had instructed Sam to continue seeing Anna, as if that alone would allow him to keep his conscience clear, but it wasn’t that simple. It was inevitable that Sam would hurt Anna at some point and the longer he let her believe they had a future together, the deeper that hurt might be. He had to at least try to stop that from happening, but as the couple strolled down the road together on a warm summer’s evening he didn’t know where to begin. Anna was beautiful and lively and enthusiastic about life in general, and while he didn’t think for a minute he would ever be able to immerse himself completely in her kind of world, he couldn’t deny it felt good to pay a visit now and again. If there was a way forward, one thing was clear: it would have to be on Anna’s terms and not just his own.

‘I can’t wait for school to finish,’ Anna said as they made their way towards the King’s Arms. ‘One more month and then I can relax for a while. Mum and Dad have a villa in Spain and it’s free for a couple of weeks in August if you fancy it?’

When Sam didn’t immediately respond, she squeezed his hand tightly as if to force an answer from him. It worked, although it wasn’t the answer she was hoping for.

‘I’m not too sure about that,’ he said hesitantly as he scrambled to think up a believable excuse. ‘With my Celtic blood, I’ll be burnt to a crisp.’

‘Really?’ she asked.

Anna made a point of looking at his deeply tanned arms – an occupational hazard from his outdoor lifestyle. He squirmed under her scrutiny and then, fortunately for Sam, his phone began to ring.

The call was from Pat, and Sam tried not to look at Anna as Selina’s friend explained a little about the work she wanted doing at her caravan in Pantymwyn. He continued to walk as he talked and by the time they reached the pub, Sam had made arrangements to meet Pat at the site to check out the job.

‘So who was that on the phone?’ Anna asked after they had found a table in a quiet corner.

‘One of Selina’s friends wants me to do a job for her.’

Sam was being deliberately vague, but Anna had already heard one half of his conversation and evasion was futile. ‘So where is this caravan, then?’ she asked.

Sam hadn’t yet taken a seat and played for time. ‘Let me get the drinks in first.’

Before he could move, a pint and a glass of wine were placed down in front of him. A hand clamped around his shoulder. ‘No need, mate – these are on me.’

When Sam turned around, Finn was smiling from ear to ear. The two shook hands. ‘And I know I promised you a slap-up meal but I’m afraid I haven’t had my first wage packet yet. When I do, though, I promise to take you both out.’

Sam already knew from Jack that he had taken Finn on. The job was only going to be over the summer but there was always the chance his contract might be extended.

‘You really don’t have to thank me, Finn. All I did was put you in touch with Jack, no more.’

Finn was shaking his head. ‘No, you did more than that. I’d reached the point where I’d all but given up, and if I’m being honest, I was in a pretty bad place.’ He patted Sam on the shoulder again. ‘Anyway, I won’t disturb you now but maybe I’ll see you at school. I take you’re being dragged along to see the play?’

Sam looked a little nonplussed as he turned to Anna, who raised an eyebrow. ‘I told you all about it, Sam,’ she scolded. ‘We’re putting on an adaptation of the Wizard of Oz in a couple of weeks.’

Finn was laughing. ‘I was the same, Sam. The wife’s been going on about it for weeks because our Jasmine’s in it, but I took no notice. Now, thanks to you, I’ve turned over a new leaf and I promised Laura I’d go. And if I’m going, then I don’t see why you can’t bite the bullet too.’

‘We could all go out for that meal afterwards if you can get a babysitter,’ Anna suggested.

When Finn agreed, there was little Sam could do to object to the plan, although he wasn’t giving his approval willingly. The idea of stepping inside a school hall packed with excited parents and nervous kids made his insides twist in knots, and yet there was a part of him that wanted to see more of the family he had helped, if only to remind himself that he wasn’t completely selfish and self-absorbed.

When Finn returned to the bar, Sam and Anna chatted a little about the play and he feigned interest as best he could. He had assumed she had forgotten all about the phone call from Pat until she said, ‘So, tell me more about this caravan. Where is it?’

‘Wales.’

Either Anna hadn’t picked up on Sam’s reluctance to involve her in his plans or was ignoring it and said, ‘I’m not so busy with the play that I couldn’t fit in a quick trip to Wales.’

‘Oh, it’s not any time soon. She doesn’t need the garden finished until the end of August.’

‘In the school holidays, then, that’s even better. The only time I get to go to Wales these days is on school trips and believe me, it’s never a fun day out.’

‘Neither will this be,’ Sam said. ‘So far I’ve only committed to pay a quick visit so Pat can show me what she has planned and to work out what supplies we’ll need.’

‘People do take advantage of you, Sam. I bet she isn’t paying you for your time, is she?’

Sam wasn’t looking at Anna but towards the bar where Finn was deep in conversation with a group of men. They looked as if they were part of the fixtures and fittings, Finn included. ‘I like helping people,’ he said. ‘What else would I do with my free time?’

‘Spend it with me,’ Anna suggested, leaning in closer so that her face was only inches from his. ‘It would be good for us to get away, if not for a holiday then a long weekend somewhere. I’d even settle for a day trip to Wales.’

Putting down the pint he had been cradling, Sam turned to give her his full attention. He asked himself again why setting out a future with Anna should be such a bad thing. He couldn’t deny the attraction and the excitement she brought to his life, but there was something missing and it was missing in him, not her. All she wanted to do was please him and make him happy and, in response, the best he could do was try to lessen the hurt. His pulse began to race. ‘Look, I think you’re a lovely person, Anna—’

Her face fell and she recoiled as if his words had been a slap across her face. ‘You’re not dumping me, are you?’ She gave a nervous laugh as if expecting Sam to immediately tell her not to be so silly.

Nausea was added to the unpleasant mix of feelings Sam was experiencing. ‘How can I break up with you when we barely know each other?’

‘So far,’ she added quickly.

‘I enjoy being with you, Anna, and I would love to keep things as they are, but I can’t help feeling guilty.’

Anna’s eyes were glistening when she asked, ‘Guilty in what way?’

‘I don’t see my life changing, not in the way that I think you might be expecting it to, in the long term at least. I don’t want you investing your time and your emotions in me because I can’t deliver what you want, Anna. You’re young and you’ll want to settle down one day and do the whole family thing.’ Before she had a chance to respond, he added, ‘And I’m sorry, but I can’t give you that. I don’t think I can give anyone that.’

‘Again,’ Anna reminded him.

‘I won’t deny that my past experiences have affected me. They changed my perspective on life, so if you’re looking for a happy ending then you need to find someone else. I’m sorry, Anna, it’s not going to be me.’

‘Why? What happened that could be so bad that you can’t even talk about it? What is it about your ex-wife that holds you prisoner in the past, Sam?’

There had been more venom than balm in Anna’s words and if ever there was going to be a time when Sam would feel able to explain everything to her, it most certainly wasn’t now. ‘I can’t give you what you want.’