Gracie

‘About anything, Dot. You and Gracie could just catch up on all your news now she’s here at last. Family is family,’ he smiled.

‘Gracie doesn’t think she is any more’.

‘Actually I wanted to talk to both of you together …’ Gracie forced herself to stay calm and looked from one to the other. ‘Please? It won’t take long and then we can have tea.’

As she held her hands out to try and appeal to her mother, Dot reached forward and pointed.

‘What’s this?’

‘It’s an engagement ring, that’s what I want to talk to you about. I’m getting married. His name is Sean Donnelly.’ Gracie smiled and kept her voice calm; she knew she had to somehow get her mother on side.

‘Oh congratulations, Gracie, that’s good news! Tell us about the lucky young man,’ her father said quickly, as if to pre-empt his wife’s response.

‘When’s this happening?’ Dot asked.

‘We haven’t set a date yet, we only got engaged on New Years’ Eve. I’ve known him a long time – we used to work together at the Palace before I went to Thamesview.’ Gracie started talking faster and faster in a bid to deflect her mother. ‘He’s a chef – well, he’s an assistant chef but sometimes he gets to be in charge. It’s a good job and he earns well, he works strange and long hours but that’s the nature of the business for both of us. We both work hard.’

‘We’re pleased for you, Gracie, you deserve a nice young man and I hope he deserves you,’ her father smiled again. ‘Tell us some more about him …’

Fred was doing his best to stop the conversation getting contentious and Gracie was grateful to him for it but like King Canute trying to hold back the water, he didn’t stand a chance of success; despite her telling them all about Sean she could see her mother was just itching for her chance to have another go.

‘Does he know about you?’ Her mother interrupted sharply, unable to hold it in any longer.

‘I told you, we’ve known each other for a long time, so he knows me really well. We were friends for years before we got serious …’ Gracie deliberately misinterpreted what she knew her mother was asking.

‘You know what I mean,’ Dot snapped. ‘Does he know about the baby?’

‘Well, of course he doesn’t,’ Gracie laughed sarcastically. ‘Why would I tell him that? It was such a long time ago. It’s all done and dusted, old news, my baby son – despatched and forgotten, the way you always wanted it.’

‘Not for us it’s not forgotten. Such a shameful time for us all, but I’m pleased you realise at last how shameful it is. You must do or you would have told him …’

‘Yes, okay,’ Gracie interrupted to stem the flow of remonstrations, ‘but it’s history now, you got your way and it’s over. If I could change it all I would but I can’t, I can’t go back in time and not be so bloody stupid. I can’t go back and get my baby back either so no one won, did they? Oh, apart from the chosen couple who bloody well got to have him …’

‘We know all that, Gracie, and I know it upsets you,’ her father said, ‘but don’t swear. We don’t like it.’

‘Sorry Dad, but she’s enough to make a saint swear sometimes,’ Gracie said, almost petulantly. ‘Anyway I’m here because Sean wants to meet you, to make it formal. I’d like to bring him round but I have to know you won’t say anything to him …’

Her mother smiled slightly and shook her head. ‘Ah, so that’s why we’re being graced with a visit. Now you want us to save your skin. I knew there had to be a reason …’

‘I just don’t want you to say anything about it. It’s history – we’ve all got on with our lives since then. You’re here and settled, and I’m happy with my life and I don’t want anything to spoil it.’

‘So you think I’d do that, do you? You really think I’d broadcast something like that to all and sundry? That I’d tell anyone about it?’ Gracie was surprised to see her mother looking hurt, as if she was really shocked that her daughter could think something like that.

‘I don’t know, Mum – you don’t like me very much, do you?’ Gracie said with sad resignation.

Dot McCabe looked directly at her daughter and stared her down for a few seconds, before turning away without answering. Gracie then looked at her father and sniffed loudly, a gesture full of unspoken meaning.

‘I’ll make the tea,’ her father said as he backed towards the kitchen door.

‘Oh no you don’t, Freddie, you stay right here! I can’t believe our own daughter thinks that way about us. Tell her, tell her she’s being cruel and ungrateful …’

Fred McCabe frowned and thought for a few moments before answering. Gracie could see he was stuck in the middle, where he had always hated to be, and was racking his brains for a way to keep the peace.

‘Your mother’s right, Gracie, that’s just nonsense. Why would we say anything out of place to your fiancé? To anyone for that matter? Why would we want it all out in the open now? You bring him round and we’ll all be nice as pie and twice as sweet …’ he laughed and turned to his wife. ‘We’ll welcome him and you. We want to meet him if he’s going to be our son-in-law.’

Still standing on the far side of the small sitting room, her back right up against the wall and her feet together, Gracie’s mother folded her arms tightly and protectively across her chest.

‘Providing you’re not expecting us to cough up towards the wedding. We’ve got the twins’ wedding to save for, we can’t take on any more expense; not that you’d be interested, but we’re strapped enough as it is.’

Gracie smiled slightly and shook her head; she was determined to stay calm. She had to somehow get her mother on her side, and if that meant not saying what she was thinking, then that was what she would do.

‘Of course not. Me and Sean are doing it ourselves. It’s not going to be a big knees-up wedding and reception or anything, just a quiet ceremony at St George’s and a small reception at the hotel. Ruby’s organising it as a wedding present …’

‘She would be, wouldn’t she? That Ruby has always been more important to you than your own family.’ Dot paused for a second and then suddenly opened her eyes wide and stared at her daughter closely. ‘You’re not in the family way again, are you?’

Gracie shook her head. ‘No, I’m not – and if I was then I wouldn’t tell you, not after last time. This time it’s all going to be done by the book.’

‘Oh stop it, you stupid girl!’ her mother snapped. ‘Last time you were little more than a child yourself, with no man to marry you. We did what was best for you – which is more than can be said for soldier boy, who disappeared off, never to be seen again …’

‘No Mum, you did what was best for you,’ Gracie said calmly. ‘Anything rather than have the neighbours know. That baby was my first-born, he was your grandson, your first grandchild but you gave him away to strangers …’

‘It was for the best as we saw it at the time, best for everyone, but especially for you,’ her father interrupted. ‘You can’t blame us for what we did. We thought it was right then and, if I’m honest, I still think it was right, but I think it’s also time to stop talking about it. Both of you. It can’t be changed, so there’s no point in going over it again and again.’

Gracie shrugged and looked into the middle distance. He was right. The same ground had been covered each time she and her mother had been face to face until eventually Gracie had stopped visiting and the rift had widened. But now she needed to know that all would be well when she and Sean went to see them to announce the engagement formally.

‘Okay, I’d love to put it behind us,’ Gracie said. ‘But can you just promise me you won’t mention anything in front of Sean when I bring him round? I really want this to work with him – he’s a nice young man and I want to be married and have a baby that I can keep, I really do …’

‘We won’t say anything but, be warned, secrets always come out and then it’ll end in tears.’ Her father shook his head and waved a finger at Gracie, the way he used to when she was a child. ‘Your mother and I won’t say a word – today is the last time it will ever be mentioned, but you should think about telling your young man yourself. It’s not a good idea to start your married life with secrets,’ he said wisely.

‘I can’t tell him now; I’ve left it too late. I had a chance and I let it go so now it has to be buried forever. I don’t want Sean to know I visited today.’

Fred and Dot McCabe both nodded; her father with a smile on his face and her mother with her usual frown.

‘We won’t say anything …’ Fred said. ‘Now I really must make that cuppa. I don’t know about you two but I’m parched.’

As she looked from one to the other, Gracie knew instinctively that her secret would be kept safe with her parents, even if it would be mostly for her mother’s sake.

For the first time in many years, father, mother and daughter sat down together and had a conversation that didn’t revolve around recriminations. The truce was a little uneasy between them but Gracie tried her best. She wanted to make up with them, even if she only managed a superficial relationship as her friend Ruby had done with her own family. But Gracie knew that even if she forgave, she could never really forget what had happened. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, the memory of it was as sharp and clear as if it had only just happened.

FOUR

1946

‘Gracie … Why aren’t you up? You’ll be out on your ear if you’re late again …’

‘I feel sick and I’ve got belly-ache, I can’t go today …’ Gracie McCabe moaned from her bed.

‘Oh yes you can,’ Dot McCabe shouted from the other side of the door, before flinging it open so hard it crashed against the end of the bed. She turned the dim ceiling light on and went into the bedroom. ‘Now you just get out of that bed and get yourself to work. We need the money, you lazy little mare. Get up …’

When Gracie didn’t move her mother pulled the bedclothes back in one swift movement. ‘What’s going on with you girl? Get your backside up now and get going. If you miss the bus you’ll have to walk, you’re not using my bicycle again.’

‘I don’t feel well, I feel sick …’

‘That’s no excuse, get out of that bed right now and get yourself dressed.’

Jennifer and Jeanette, Gracie’s fourteen-year-old twin sisters, who had still been asleep in the double bed across the room, sat up quickly and nudged each other. Both were openly amused that it was their sister in Dot McCabe’s angry firing line instead of them.

The two girls weren’t identical twins; in fact they were not remotely alike in either appearance or temperament. Despite their mother’s best efforts to dress and treat them the same, they were really just two sisters who happened to be the same age, two sisters with nothing in common except for their birth.

Jennifer was quiet, academic and very similar in appearance to Gracie and her mother in both stature and features, whereas Jeanette was shorter, her hair naturally fair and her figure curvy, even at fourteen, with a sprinkling of freckles and a loud laugh. She was also prone to getting into trouble both at school and with the neighbours, something which Jennifer never did.

When they were young they had often bickered but always sided against everyone else, but as they’d grown older their opposing personalities had led them to grow slightly apart and have different friends and hobbies.

As they sat on the bed watching the scene in front of them, Dot McCabe suddenly realised they were there and nodded her head in their direction.

‘These two have got to get ready for school. If you’re going to be sick then get yourself into the kitchen and get a bowl.’

Gracie threw the rest of her covers off and, with her shoulders hunched and clutching her stomach tightly, she quickly ran from the room, her mother hot on her heels. She knew she wasn’t going to be sick as such but she wasn’t well enough to go to work. She was tired, she was emotional and she was very scared.

Suddenly she was also fed up with covering up and pretending. It was time for her secret to come out.

‘Stop going on at me all the time!’ Gracie screamed with her back to Dot. ‘I’m not going to be sick. I’m in the family way, I feel bad because I’m going to have a baby …’

Gracie looked defiantly at her mother and watched the colour drain from the woman’s face.

‘What did you just say?’

Suddenly aware of the enormity of what she was saying out loud for the first time, Gracie backed away.

‘I said, I said …’ she stuttered. ‘I said, I’m going to have a baby and I can’t go to work.’

‘No you’re not, you can’t be,’ her mother interrupted. ‘Don’t say stupid things like that just cos you don’t want to go to work, that’s wicked …’

‘Well I am. I’ve not had a show for ages and my belly’s fat. Look.’ With fake bravado Gracie unfolded her arms and patted her eight months pregnant stomach through her thin cotton nightdress, the growing stomach that she’d managed to keep hidden from everyone, both at home and at work.

Dot McCabe’s expression was almost serene as she looked first at the ceiling and then at her daughter’s swollen belly. She stared quietly for a few moments as she tried to take in the information her oldest child had given her, and then swiftly took two steps forward and slapped her daughter hard around the ear with the flat of her hand.

Then she completely lost control and did it over and over again, with both hands, hitting her as hard as she could.

‘You dirty slut, you’re dirty … dirty! How could you do that? You disgusting creature!’

Gracie tried to protect her head with her hands but still the blows rained down.

‘How could you? Who did it to you? Oh my dear God, the neighbours, the idiots downstairs, they’re all going to enjoy this! We’ll be a laughing stock. Who knows about this? Who have you told?’

‘No one, no one knows. I wanted to tell you before but I was scared,’ Gracie cried, her earlier bravery now forgotten.

‘And so you should be. What about the father? Is he that nasty squaddie your father saw you with? Is he going to marry you?’

Gracie was sobbing and talking in huge gasps.

‘No, he’s gone … he said he wanted to marry me but now he’s gone and I don’t know where and I don’t know what to do. As soon as I told him he left me. He disappeared,’ Gracie cried, gasping for breath.

Dot’s face glowed with anger as she stared at her daughter and the enormity of the situation hit her.

‘You stupid, stupid girl! Of course he left you, who wants to marry a girl who’s easy?’

The tiny kitchen prevented Dot McCabe from pacing, so instead she turned around on the spot and slapped her own forehead with the palm of her hand.

‘No one can find out about this, no one. Do you understand me? And I dread to think what your father’s going to say when he gets home. Get back into your bedroom now and stay there. Go on, you get back in there; just get in there, get into bed and cover yourself up,’ Dot McCabe reached up and took hold of Gracie by her hair, tugging it hard. ‘Don’t say a word to your sisters; I’ve got to decide what we’re going to do. Go, go, go and stop that snivelling …’

She let go of Gracie’s hair, grabbed her by the arm and dragged her to the back bedroom at the end of the long corridor of the upstairs flat.

‘You two, get dressed and get off to school,’ she told the twins. ‘Gracie’s sick and I don’t want either of you to catch it. Go on. Move. Now.’

‘But it’s too early …’ Jeanette said sulkily. ‘Why should we have to go to school now just because Gracie’s sick? What’s wrong with her?’

‘Now!’ Dot McCabe snapped with such ferocity that even Jeanette, the normally loud and argumentative sister, didn’t answer back. Without another word, both girls started pulling on their clothes. Under the watchful eye of their angry mother they purposefully ignored their sister as she climbed back into her bed and buried herself under the covers.

The double bedroom the three sisters shared was at the back of the property where the family lived. The large, semi-derelict, terraced house in the Westcliff area of Southend-on-Sea was a temporary home to three separate families, The McCabe family had the whole of the first floor, the ground floor housed a noisy family with three uncontrollable young children and the top floor, which was the attic, was home to a young married couple who were related to the landlord. None of the flats were self-contained and, whether they wanted to or not, they all intruded into each other’s lives.

Everyone living in the house hated it but it was a basic roof over their heads in the difficult times just after the war. For the McCabe family, it had been somewhere immediate for them to live when their previous home had been declared unsafe after a nearby bomb had shaken the foundations, cracked the front wall from top to bottom and shifted most of the tiles off the roof.

Their floor was relatively spacious but it was also damp, cold, and lacking in most of the basic amenities. They took it in turns to wash at the small kitchen sink and family meals were cooked on a gas stove with three rings and a broken oven, but at least there was a working lavatory which they shared with the couple upstairs. The family on the ground floor were supposed to use the outside lavatory but the children would sometimes sneak upstairs to avoid going out into the back yard. The whole situation was unbearably chaotic for everyone in the house but they all tolerated it as they waited for something better.

Gracie pulled the covers right up over her head to block everything out; she was angry with herself for not following her instincts and just running away and hoping for the best.

Because she worked long hours at the Palace Hotel on the seafront she hadn’t been home very much for the family to notice her growing belly and at work as a chambermaid she was able to keep it hidden under her roomy overall. But now her secret was out and she was going to have to accept the consequences which she knew would be harsh after seeing her mother’s initial reaction.

A sense of impending doom enveloped Gracie as she lay wrapped up tightly in her bed, waiting to see what her mother was going to do. She could feel the baby moving inside her and without thinking, she wrapped her arms around it protectively. She guessed she would have to wait for her father’s return from work before she would know her fate but she knew without doubt even her genial and easy-going father wouldn’t be able to take her side this time.

Gracie couldn’t even begin to imagine what the outcome of it all would be. Engulfed in her own misery, she tried to think of a way to resolve her situation. She thought about running away but she didn’t have a clue where to go and she also didn’t have the energy so all she could do was wait.

The feigned sickness of earlier became real as hunger gnawed at her stomach but she didn’t want to leave the bedroom as she could imagine her mother standing guard outside the door. Gracie didn’t resent her mother for the beating she had given her; she understood that she’d pushed her to the limit. To have everyone know that their eldest daughter was unmarried and pregnant, especially with father unknown, would be the ultimate disgrace – both in the neighbourhood and at the church. Gracie knew that she had committed the ultimate sin and for that there would be consequences. She just hoped they wouldn’t be as harsh as she was anticipating. She touched her stomach and tried her best not to imagine the baby she knew was inside her, the baby she could no longer pretend didn’t exist.

When Gracie heard her mother’s footsteps going down the bare boards of the stairs, followed by the sound of the front door opening and closing, she took her chance to go and find something to eat. But as she stepped onto the landing so she saw her mother coming back up the stairs.

‘Where do you think you’re going?’ Dot asked.

‘To the kitchen to get something to eat …’ but as Gracie answered she saw someone else standing behind her mother.

‘No you’re not, you’ve got a visitor.’ Dot replied shortly.

‘Good day to you, Gracie. Your mother was telling me you have a problem that needs my help …’

Gracie looked at Father Thomas, the parish priest, and her heart sank. In that instant she knew what was going to happen. Her worst nightmare was about to become reality: she was going to be sent to St Angela’s.

‘Yes, Father …’ was all she could say.

‘Don’t say anything else out here …’ her mother looked around furtively as she whispered to both of them. ‘Wait until we’re somewhere private. There are too many listening ears in this house – I don’t want a soul hearing about this, not a soul …’

Gracie’s knees were shaking as she turned and headed into the living room at the front of the house, followed closely by her mother and the priest. She felt incredibly ashamed having her very personal and private business discussed in front of Father Thomas but at the same time he was someone she quite liked and respected. Gracie sat down on one of the upright chairs that were crowded around the dining table tucked in the bay window and waited passively for him to outline his plan.

‘Now young Gracie, I’m here at your mother’s request to seek a resolution to the problem. We’re thinking you should be going to St Angela’s until this baby is born and then we’ll arrange for it to be adopted by a loving married couple who will raise it as their own. You’re unwed and just eighteen years of age; it will be for the best. There are many good couples in the parish seeking a baby. It’ll be well placed to be having a good future with good married parents.’

Father Thomas’ expression was as kindly as it could be under the circumstances and his tone was calm but there was no avoiding the disapproval and disappointment that accompanied his words.

‘Thank you,’ Gracie shrugged, aware that her fate was sealed.

She’d known of other girls who’d trod the path to St Angela’s mother and baby home, a large country house on the other side of Rochford which was run by the strictest of nuns, some of whom were nurses, and used by local churchgoing and non-religious parents alike as both a warning and a threat to their daughters … If you get yourself into trouble that’s where you’ll have to go. You’ll get carted off to St Angela’s, and you know what happens there …

That day, when the truth had come out and Gracie had been spirited out of the house and driven away under cover of darkness by a silent stranger, had been a pivotal point in her life. She would remember it clearly forever – because it was the day her relationship with her family had been irreparably damaged.

Gracie hated her mother for sending her away so rapidly with no time for any discussion and no say in her own fate and that of her child’s; she resented her father for not intervening even though she knew deep down that he had no more say in the matter than she herself did, and it upset her that her sisters didn’t understand why she disappeared without a word, never to be a part of the family again.

Gracie had seen a few other girls disappear for a while and then return thinner, sadder and tight-lipped about where they’d been. Everyone guessed they had been to St Angela’s but no one ever spoke about it. It was the bogey-man that had to be avoided at all costs.

Father Thomas had been as kindly as he could be with Dot McCabe standing close beside him and had presented the stay at the home as the only solution for her predicament. Gracie would stay there until the baby was born and adopted, and then she could return home to continue her life with her reputation intact, with no one ever knowing that she had fallen by the wayside.

It had all sounded almost reasonable, until the moment she had been led through the doors of the building that looked just like a large country house from the outside.

But inside the home had been another story altogether.

FIVE