Heart Of A Husband

“No, thank you. You go ahead,” Ina said, glancing over her shoulder.

“Smithfield Children’s Home,” Jake repeated and sent an inquiring look with a sharp lift of his brows in Ina’s direction.

Joanna noticed the exchange. “Yes. They have about a hundred kids there, Jake. Boys and girls, all ages. They’re children going through transitional periods in their lives—moving from one foster home to another or out of a treatment center into an adoptive placement.” She spoke in such a rush of words, she had to pause for a quick breath, which brought a grin from Jake. “It’s a wonderful place!” she added with enthusiasm.

“Yes, it is,” he agreed with a nod. “I thought so myself the first time I visited it.”

“You’ve been there?” Joanna sat down.

“I’m there every Wednesday morning for an hour or two. When do you start?” Jake asked before taking another bite of pie.

“Tomorrow. But, what do you mean you’re there every Wednesday? What do you do there?”

“The same things I do daily at my office,” he replied. “I see patients who are sick or injured. The kids, I mean.”

“But…” She glanced over at Ina who was busy concentrating on the dishes in the sink rather than facing Joanna just then. “Ina, you didn’t tell me Jake was one of the people who worked there.”

“Didn’t I mention that?” Ina responded without looking up. “I meant to.”

Sure you did, Joanna thought. How convenient for Ina to forget that one piece of information. Joanna returned her gaze to the man seated beside her at the table. “Should I thank you for getting this job for me?”

“No, not at all,” Jake assured. “I didn’t know anything about this, and I’m not in favor of you working right now. Especially not at Smithfield. Putting yourself in a setting like that with all those troubled kids…it won’t be easy for you, Joanna. It will bring back bad memories of your own childhood.” He paused. “Are you sure you’re prepared for that?”

“I have to be. Social work is what I want to do. Being an advocate for those children is my career goal. I can’t help them if I’m not exposed to them, can I?” she explained, defending her choices.

Jake wasn’t pleased. She could see it in that shadowy frown that hovered at the corners of his mouth. But she could be just as determined as he could, Joanna assured herself and gave a slight but definite lift of her chin.

Jake’s tight expression relaxed into a smile before he looked down briefly at the plate and fork on the table. “It’s your decision,” he commented. When he raised his gaze to meet hers again, all humor was gone. “Just be careful. I don’t want you to get hurt. Mae’s health is enough of a concern without having your heart broken over some child you can’t help.”

It might be easier to deal with than some other forms of heartbreak, Joanna longed to reply. But she didn’t. She simply nodded in silence and then turned to Ina. “Are we going tonight?”

“Yes,” Ina said. “Be ready by six-forty-five.”

“What do you two have planned?” Jake asked.

“Bible study,” Joanna replied. “Ina says they’re studying the book of Ephesians.”

“Ephesians,” Jake repeated as Ina quietly slipped from the room.

“Yes. They’re studying about the Lord’s love for us and our spiritual riches in Christ,” Joanna explained, then noticed how closely Jake was studying her as she spoke. “You know…about how God gave his Son so we could be forgiven for our sins.” She knew that Jake was familiar with some of what she was talking about. They’d discussed it before. Several times.

“You really believe all of that, don’t you? That people must find some sort of a personal relationship with God?” Jake’s questions were straightforward and serious, not belittling in the least.

“Absolutely.”

“There are a lot of people in the world—good people—who wouldn’t agree with you.”

“No one is saved by being a good person. It’s more than that. Salvation is a gift from God,” Joanna explained. “It’s never a matter of just doing enough good deeds, Jake. There are two completely different roads in life—the Lord’s way or the way of the world. Everyone has a time in their life when they’re standing at the crossroads and has to make a decision.” She wondered if she should invite him to join them. It was worth a try. “If you’d like, you could come with us tonight. The pastor could do a much better job of explaining these things to you than I can.”

But Jake shook his head. “Thanks, but I can’t tonight, Jo. I’m meeting Daniel Vernon at the gym to play basketball. He’s one of Andrew’s sons.”

Joanna smiled. “I remember you mentioning him before. You went to school with Daniel, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” Jake answered. “Sorry about tonight. Maybe some other time?”

“Sure. Some other time,” she agreed, wondering if such a time would come. And when. “I’ll see you later.” She turned to go just as Jake stood up.

“Joanna…” he called after her.

She looked back.

“How did it feel when you stood at those crossroads?”

Joanna had to stop and really think for a moment. It had been so long ago. “I think I felt…loved. Loved by God in a way I’d never been loved by anyone else.”

“Like God Himself stood there? Waiting?” he asked.

“Yes,” she agreed quickly, surprised by his insight. “But there was no thunder or lightning. No messenger angel. Just a still, small voice inside me.” She raised a hand to her heart. “In here.”

Jake’s eyes followed the movement of her hand before returning to lock with her gaze. There was something there, some sadness, something complex Joanna couldn’t identify. Something she couldn’t help him with. Every ounce of her wanted to make right whatever was so wrong within him, but it wasn’t her wrong to right. “The Lord only wants us to love Him, Jake.”

A look of utter weariness crossed Jake’s face before he glanced up at the clock. “I’ve got to get going. We’ll have to talk another time.”

She nodded but worried about the strained tone of his voice. “I—I’ll go upstairs to sit with Aunt Mae. She seemed to be feeling better this morning.”

Jake agreed. “She’s hanging in there. I was with her earlier, and we talked quite a bit.”

About what, Joanna wondered. Spiritual matters, maybe? Not knowing what else to do, Joanna excused herself and headed toward the staircase. She’d been a Christian since she was twelve years old, many years before she moved in with her aunt. Why, after all these years, did talking about her faith seem like such a private matter? Why was it still so difficult to discuss with Jake? Maybe because she cared so much about his reaction? Because those people dearest to the heart are the ones who seem slowest to accept the truth? Hadn’t Aunt Mae warned her about that a long time ago?

After her parents’ deaths, Joanna had spent her childhood years with no connection to her past. Her adoptive parents had not allowed her access to available information. When she’d turned eighteen, she’d begun searching for any relatives she might have left from her biological family. That’s when she’d discovered she had a widowed aunt, and Aunt Mae had been delighted to meet the niece she’d prayed for over the years. The Lord had led Joanna home to the roots she’d been hoping for. An aunt with a heart full of love. That was tangible evidence to Joanna of what God could do. She wished there was some evidence she could produce for Jake to help him believe.

A gush of frigid air literally pushed Joanna and Ina inside the front door as they returned from church services that evening.

“Jake won’t be home until late,” Ina said after she’d listened to the messages on the answering machine. “He was called to the hospital because Andrew needed him.”

Joanna placed her coat along with Ina’s in the hallway closet. “But Jake was supposed to go to the gym for a while. Does Dr. Vernon usually call him for help?”

“Andrew Vernon is nearly ready to retire, and, if you ask me, he depends on Dr. Barnes too much. Things will be easier when Andrew retires and a younger doctor comes in to help out.” Ina walked toward the stairs, but not without stopping beside Joanna to give an affectionate pat on her arm. “I’ll see you in the morning, dear. I’m going to check in on Mae and the nurse, then go on to bed.”

“Okay,” Joanna said with a smile. “I’ll say good-night to Aunt Mae, too. Then I think I’ll sit down here for a while and read. See you in the morning.”

After finding Mae sleeping peacefully for the night, Joanna went back downstairs. Curling up in the large comfortable chair in the corner of the living room, she read one of Ina’s magazines until she grew sleepy. Then she switched off the light and leaned her head against the wing of the chair.

A warm hand squeezed her shoulder gently, and Joanna stirred in the chair. Her drowsy eyes opened slowly to find Jake standing beside her in the living room.

“Hi, sleepyhead,” he said quietly, but when Joanna met his gaze, she saw a gloominess there she’d not seen before. Not that she could ever recall. He looked tired, but it was much more than that. It was sorrow. Stark and real. She sat up suddenly.

“Jake, what’s wrong? Is it Aunt Mae?” she asked in a voice still raspy with sleep.

“Mae’s fine. Don’t be frightened,” he assured her and for the first time since she’d awakened, he looked away.

“But something’s wrong,” she persisted. Glancing up at the lighted grandfather clock in the corner of the room, she saw that it was nearly one o’clock in the morning. “You’ve been at the hospital? All this time?”

“Yes,” he said in the hush of the room. Only the ticking of the clock broke the silence.

Joanna moved out of the chair and onto the ottoman. She patted her hand against the cushion, still warm from the presence of her body. “Sit down. Tell me what’s happened,” she urged softly.

Jake sat down, sinking into the comfort of the overstuffed chair.

“What is it?” she whispered.

“One of Andrew’s patients died tonight. Mr. Littner. He was an elderly gentleman. I didn’t really know the man, but I’ve never seen Andrew take anything so hard.”

“Was it sudden? Unexpected?”

Jake didn’t answer immediately but ran a hand wearily over his eyes. “He’d been ill for several months so it wasn’t totally unexpected, but Andrew was surprised that it happened this soon. This quickly.” He looked at Joanna. “Mr. Littner gave up. Simply gave up. And died.”

She touched Jake’s arm, waiting for him to continue.

“He said he was ready to go…that there wasn’t anything left on this earth worth living for.”

“Didn’t he have a family?” Joanna asked.

“His wife died about a year ago, and he lost his only daughter when she was a child. He didn’t want to live, Jo. He said he was ready to go home to be with his Lord.”

“Then he’s better off now than he was here on this Earth, sickly and with no loved ones.”

“Can it be like that?” Jake’s eyes were bleak, desolate. “Can you be certain that what you believe is the truth?”

“Yes,” she answered, nodding her head. “I’m certain, Jake, with all my heart. But I had to trust God…to really completely trust Him.” Trust. She wondered if that was the stumbling block. Did Jake trust anyone? Completely?

He sat very still, looking so intently at Joanna she wondered if he could somehow see into her soul.

“Let me get my Bible,” she began, “and I can show you some verses—”

“No, please,” Jake said, cutting off her words and stinging her with his sudden disinterest. “It’s late. We’re both tired.”

But Joanna realized that the late hour was only an excuse. Opening a Bible and finding the right verses might force Jake to face the decision he wasn’t ready to make. She stood up and gave what she hoped was an understanding smile. “Maybe some other time then. I’m sorry about Mr. Littner. And Andrew.”

Jake gave a distracted nod in a gesture of thanks before Joanna turned to leave.

“Good night,” she said. Then she disappeared up the stairs. And Jake watched her go.

When Joanna reached the second floor, she went directly to Mae’s room where she checked on her aunt and said good-night to the nurse who was seated next to the bedside engrossed in a thick novel. Then Joanna headed for her own room. She changed out of her jeans and sweater and into a thin nightgown that was designed more for South Carolina’s nights than Indiana’s. But, nestling down into the bed, she warmed up quickly despite her inability to sleep. Her first day on a new job started in several hours, but she wasn’t worried. It felt right and she knew how to work with the children. No, it was Jake that worried her. She used to think of herself as being alone. But she didn’t feel so alone anymore. Not since Aunt Mae had come into her life. Then Jake, and now Ina. This time it was Jake who seemed alone. And there had to be moments, like tonight, when he felt it. She’d been there when he’d come home, she realized, but only in a distant kind of way. Why couldn’t she be the comfort to him that he’d been to her in days gone by? Then her mind went back to the evening they’d lost all that, and more.

Joanna’s twentieth birthday. Mae had planned a special dinner at Joanna’s favorite restaurant, but when the time came to go, Mae wasn’t feeling well. Rather than cancel the reservations and spoil the occasion, Jake had suggested that he and Joanna go by themselves. They hadn’t seen each other much over the past few weeks, and it would be a chance for them to talk. And he wanted her birthday to be a special one.

So they went to the restaurant Mae had selected, which sat atop the highest hotel in the city. And it was wonderful—the food, the sights. The company. Joanna couldn’t remember a better evening in all her life, and it passed all too quickly….

They were among the last customers to leave the restaurant that night, and their conversation didn’t lag on the long drive home. It was only when Jake pulled his car into Mae’s driveway that an awkward silence fell between them. The engine off, the lights out. Only the dim porch lamp offered relief from the darkness of the night.

“Thank you for a perfect evening, Jake.” She shifted in her seat to look into his unfathomable eyes. Had he enjoyed their time together, too? He’d certainly been attentive the past few hours. He’d sat across the table from her, talking, laughing, looking at her, she suspected, in some new way. More like the young woman she was and not the teenager she had been when they’d first met. If his goal on this night of her birthday was to make her feel like the most important woman in the world, he’d more than succeeded. She felt like the most important woman in his world. It had been a lovely feeling but, she knew, it was time for it to end.

Jake reached for her hand and slowly pressed her fingers to his mouth for a kiss. Her hand was soft, sweet. Free of any rings of belonging to another. “It’s been special for me, too,” he admitted as he battled an unexpected desire. He wanted her closer. Next to him. In his arms.

Jake cleared his throat quietly and lowered their hands to the seat but couldn’t quite let go. He laced his fingers through hers.

“Yes, very special,” Joanna agreed. She straightened and sighed softly, knowing it was getting late. “I guess it’s time to say good-night.” No matter how much she didn’t want to. She glanced down at their interlocking fingers, then back into his gaze. His eyes held hers and suddenly she knew. He felt it, too. Perhaps as strongly as she did.

Jake nodded but didn’t speak. He couldn’t think of a response. At the moment, all he could think of was Joanna and how beautiful she was. Absolutely beautiful—in looks and in spirit. He’d never been as acutely aware of that fact as he was tonight. It knifed through him in a way it never had.

“Joanna…” he whispered as his hands moved to touch her satin-smooth face. Then his hands slid into her soft, loose hair, pulling her easily into a gentle kiss that slowly grew as needy as either had ever known. The warmth of Jake’s mouth over hers felt like the most natural thing in the world to Joanna. She wondered how she’d lived this long without it. When Jake touched her shoulders, bringing her closer, she slowly, instinctively slid her arms around his neck, deepening his response and clouding her thoughts. Never had anything felt so right. She wanted more. Of him, of them, of whatever it was they were finding here together tonight. Her fingers wandered into his dark, silky hair.

“Joanna…” he murmured her name again. His breath flowed warmly along the delicate line of her throat. Her soft sigh in reply did nothing to discourage him when his mouth trailed light, tiny kisses down her neck to a smooth shoulder covered with only a thin strap of a summer dress. Jake felt her sharp in-take of breath at the contact. He hesitated, his lips lingering intimately against the curve of her shoulder as he tried to reason with himself. This was Joanna in his arms. His friend. And he wanted her more at that moment than he’d ever wanted anyone in his life. His entire life. And it was crazy. She was sweet, innocent…and young. Too young. Jake stopped—instantly—and lifted his head to look into her barely open eyes. What were they doing? What was he doing? “Joanna…this is crazy,” he barely breathed the words before he pulled away from her completely, raising a hand to his mouth.

“Jake?” she whispered in the stillness. Free of his touch, she’d never felt colder in all her life.

“I’m sorry,” he answered in a voice deadly quiet with realization.

“But—”

Jake’s words brought her questions to a halt. “I care about you, Jo, very much, but this…”

“What’s wrong?” she asked despite the uneasiness settling over her at the distance in the voice that had murmured her name with such longing only moments earlier. “What did I do—”

“Nothing,” he assured her before rubbing his hand down his face. He leaned back against the seat being careful not to touch her as he did so. “It’s what I’m doing that’s the problem.”

Stung but confused, she watched him close his eyes in disgust, frustration…something she couldn’t identify. “Jake…we’re not doing anything—”

“We’re not doing anything,” he repeated in disbelief. “Do you kiss every man you go out with like that?” The question was blunt. Angry.

“No! Of course, I don’t,” she replied. “I’ve never kissed anyone…like that. How could you ask?”

“Because we were doing plenty, Joanna, whether you realize it or not. And we’re headed toward much more.”

Her face flushed with humiliation. Were they? Was she being careless? She’d never been in a situation quite like this, and it had been difficult to think when Jake was holding her.

“You should go inside,” he stated. The look of concern in his eyes only made her feel worse. “C’mon. I’ll walk you to the door.”

“But I don’t want to go in yet.”

“And I don’t want you to, either. That’s exactly why you have to go now.” He reached for the car door.

“But, Jake—”

“Don’t you see?” he asked urgently, ending her protest. “We can want each other, we can have each other…but it won’t lead to a future together. And that’s what you’ll need.”

Joanna felt chilled. She looked down at her hands, which were now folded neatly together in her lap. Jake didn’t want her, wouldn’t want her—not for anything more than this? She could hardly believe his warning. “We’ve known each other a long time, Jake. I thought we were friends—”

“We are friends,” he insisted before reaching out to touch her hair. The softness was almost unbearable and he pulled his hand away. “I don’t ever want to lose that. And, we will…if we let this happen.”

“You can’t know that—”

“I do know. You have no idea how complicated things can get.” Jake exhaled a heavy sigh. She had no idea how uncomplicated he wanted things to remain. Joanna was a woman he would chose neither to hurt nor to have. He’d seen what a love like this could do to a person, what it had done to his own father, and he wanted no part in it. But how was he supposed to explain that to her? To this tenderhearted young woman he could too easily love? “Jo, listen to me,” Jake began as he reached to touch her hand.

But Joanna pulled away. She sat only a few inches from him, her arms crossed in front of her. “It’s Dr. Eden, isn’t it? Natalie Eden?” she asked.

Jake hesitated. She didn’t know how little he’d ever allowed anyone to mean to him. Including Dr. Eden. She didn’t know he wanted it that way, kept it that way. Intentionally. And he wasn’t going to tell Joanna that now. He breathed an undistinguishable curse under his breath. This was his fault, and he should have known better than to let it happen. Joanna was still practically a kid. How could he have allowed things to get so mixed-up? How could he undo this mess? No way, he knew. None. Unless he lied.

“Is it because of Dr. Eden?” Joanna repeated, her heart near to breaking.

“Natalie and I have known each other for a long time…” Jake said and stopped. Being dishonest with Joanna was something he could hardly make himself do. Maybe if he just stopped there, didn’t say anything more… Maybe, he hoped, the implication would be enough. And it was.

“I understand,” Joanna replied in a voice barely audible.

She watched the line of his mouth tighten but had no idea that it was all Jake could do to refrain from telling her that, no, she didn’t understand. She couldn’t understand how close he found himself to loving her—Joanna Meccord. Not Dr. Eden or any other woman he’d known. And the thought unnerved him. It was his deep affection for this unassuming young woman that had blindsided him this evening. He’d known her for so long, liked her so much, he hadn’t seen this coming. It simply hadn’t occurred to him to put up defenses to something he’d never imagined existed. Not with Joanna.

Their walk to the front door that evening was a silent one with Jake regretting his actions while Joanna wondered if all hope was lost for them. Jake wasn’t going to give them this chance they’d stumbled upon. Joanna sensed it, felt it…even more than his words had proclaimed it. He was sorry for this evening’s events. He’d undo all of it if he could, and that thought cut through the heart she’d just discovered could belong to him, if only he wanted it.

They walked up onto the porch and approached the front door. It was time for the inevitable goodbye. But Jake owed her more than goodbye. “Joanna…” he began. “I care about you…very much…more than you know.”

Joanna’s eyes misted with wistful thoughts of what might have been. “I understand. You don’t have to say anything more. You need someone like Natalie Eden. A doctor, a professional woman nearer your own age and position in life. I know I’m not right for you.” She watched his mouth dip into a deep frown.

“Jo, you’re a beautiful woman, a wonderful friend, but—”

“Good night, Jake,” she interrupted. She didn’t want to hear platitudes and apologies. Joanna reached for the door, but Jake quickly covered her hand with his own.

“There’s nothing we can do to change what’s happened,” he admitted, “and there’s no way we can forget. I’m not sure either of us would really want to.”

She turned her head to meet his gaze and was surprised by the glimpse of misery she found there. “Then, why…?”

“Why can’t we be together?” Jake finished her thought for her. “We just can’t. I don’t want the kind of life you’re going to need. I can’t give you that.” He hesitated. “Find someone who will, Jo. I want you to be happy.”

“But,” Joanna began, “you make me happy. I don’t need a guarantee of what the future holds. I— I just need you.”

He’d never felt like a bigger louse in all his thirty-two years. How had he let her come to need him? She’d been a contented friend a few hours ago until he opened up possibilities and emotions between them that shouldn’t exist.

“Please, don’t need me,” he replied as gently as he could. “Believe me when I tell you it wouldn’t work. I’m truly sorry.” Jake leaned forward, pressing his mouth against her forehead in a light, but lingering kiss.

They parted that night with an awkwardness they’d not known before and successfully avoided each other for the next several days. Then one day while Joanna was working at the day care center, Jake came.