What We Left Behind

I blink again. No one’s ever come straight out and asked me before.

No one I’ve met online. No one in the LGBT youth center where I volunteered in DC. None of my high school friends.

Not even Gretchen.

So it’s strange acting all casual about it here, with someone I don’t even know. For a second I want to look around to make sure no one’s listening. Then I decide I don’t care. I’ve been worrying about that stuff my whole life. I’m in college now. It’s time to get over it.

What am I supposed to say, though? That I’m definitely somewhere on the transgender spectrum, and that even though I’ve spent hours upon hours upon hours reading websites and thinking about every possible angle of this stuff, I still haven’t found a label that feels exactly right for me?

There are tons of options I’ve read about. I usually describe myself as genderqueer just because it’s the word the most people seem to understand, but sometimes I think gender nonconforming would be better. Sometimes I think I’d rather go with gender fluid, and a lot of the time I want to pick nonbinary, because that one sounds the least committal. Gender bender sounds cool, but I’m afraid people will think it’s a joke.

Should I try to tell Derek about how sometimes I think just trans by itself is the best word? It’s just that I’m not sure I really consider myself a guy, necessarily, or at least not every day. I just don’t consider myself a girl. If I call myself trans I’m afraid people will think I’m a dude when the truth is, I’m really not there. Maybe someday I will be, but it also seems entirely possible that I could stay exactly the way I am right now for the rest of my life.

I don’t think I should say all that, though. Probably best not to scare Derek off with an ideological rant about the evils of labels thirty seconds after we’ve met.

“I’m genderqueer,” I say.

“That’s cool,” Derek smiles. Like this is a totally normal conversation. Like those weren’t the two most nerve-racking words I’ve ever spoken out loud. “There are a bunch of other GQs on campus.”

“There are?” I haven’t noticed any. Unless Derek is, but I doubt that. From the amount of stubble poking out of Derek’s chin, Derek’s probably been on testosterone for a while. As far as I know, guys taking hormones don’t usually identify as genderqueer. They identify as guys.

Wait. Is that right? How do I know that for sure? Maybe there are hundreds of genderqueer people at Harvard giving themselves testosterone injections as we speak.

Shouldn’t I know how all of this works, just instinctively?

Derek lets out a deep laugh, oblivious to my angst. “Yeah, believe it or not. I’m trying to get more of you guys to join the UBA. I’m the trans outreach cochair this year.”

“Who’s the other cochair?” I don’t see anyone else in a purple shirt who looks trans.

“My roommate, Nance. She couldn’t be here. Had an ultimate Frisbee game.” Derek points to a tall guy with an expensive-looking haircut wearing a jacket, tie and suit pants with a purple UBA T-shirt despite the ninety-degree heat. “That’s Brad, by the way. He’s the UBA president.”

“Why’s Brad wearing a suit?”

“Oh, he’s probably planning to change shirts and go to an informational interview this afternoon. Every time I’ve seen Brad in the past two years he’s been on his way to an informational interview.”

I laugh. My anxiety—about Gretchen, about labels, about meeting new people—is starting to fade into the background just a little.

Derek points out the rest of the UBA board members at the table. Shari, the perky blonde, is the social chair. All the other board members are guys.

“So, are you going to sign up or what?” Derek smiles at me again.

“Oh, right.” I smile back. I can’t believe how nervous I was about this.

While I wait my turn at the sign-up form, Shari notices me again. “Oh, hi there! I’m so glad you’re signing up! I see you already met Derek!”

“Yeah,” I say, surprised to see that Derek is still standing next to me. I thought the UBA people were all supposed to run back into the crowd, seeking out more converts.

“Did you meet Brad yet?” Shari asks. I look up, but Brad has retreated back behind the table and is furiously poking at a tablet.

Shari and Derek roll their eyes at each other. I’m getting the sense that Brad is president of the UBA because it means Brad gets to go on informational interviews and talk about being president of the UBA.

“Well anyway,” Shari says just as I reach the front of the line. “Ahem!”

Suddenly Shari’s voice is projecting past the table and out to the gathered crowd. The freshmen stop talking and push toward the front of the table to hear. A hush has fallen at the booths around us, too. I have to admit, Shari’s got some serious crowd-control prowess.

“You guys,” Shari says, beaming out at the rapt group, “I’m so excited to tell you what the UBA board’s decided to do this year! I know you’ll all want to be part of it. You all know that awesome new show The Flighted Ones?”

Lots of people nod. I’ve never watched The Flighted Ones, but my sister Audrey is obsessed with it. It’s about a group of twentysomethings who turn into winged superheroes at night and fly around fighting crime. Two of the characters are gay and are considered hot by the people who have opinions about such things.

“We’ve decided to have official UBA-sponsored Flighted parties every Tuesday night!” Shari says. “We’ll watch the show and have snacks! Everyone will want to come because everyone’s watching the show anyway!”

Next to me, the other freshmen murmur assent.

“Well, but that’s not all you’re doing this year, is it?” I ask.

The murmurs stop. I can feel the other freshmen looking at me. Shari and Derek are, too. Even Brad has lowered the tablet and is peering in my direction.

Crap. I didn’t mean to say that out loud. Now, though, with all those eyes on me, I have no choice but to keep going.

“I mean, it’s not that I don’t like cupcakes and cheesy TV shows, because I do, sometimes,” I say. “But there’s also going to be advocacy work, right? We’re going to do stuff to address the key issues affecting the queer community?”

I stop talking when I realize Shari’s glaring at me. I shouldn’t have mentioned the cupcakes.

Great. I haven’t even joined yet and I’ve already pissed off the UBA’s queen bee. I should probably slink off and join the Queer Youth of America, Inc., Harvard-Radcliffe Chapter. I can see their table in the distance. A giant poster of Neil Patrick Harris is hanging from it.

“We need more members,” Shari says to me, not projecting anymore. “If you know a better way to recruit members than fun social gatherings then you can run for the board next year.”

“Now, Shari,” Brad says, chuckling, even though everyone else behind the table looks uncomfortable. “I’m sure she didn’t mean to imply that—”

Derek interrupts Brad in a voice loud enough to match Shari’s. “Hey, Toni has a point. We have a lot of other goals for this semester. Maybe the officers should each give our prospective new members some of the bullet points?”

Shari groans.

“Derek, that’s an excellent idea,” Brad says, turning back to the tablet screen. “Why don’t you kick us off?”

“Okay,” Derek says. “So, hi, everyone. I’m Derek Richmond, and I’m the cochair for transgender outreach. Now that we’ve got gender-neutral housing campus-wide, my fellow cochair and I thought this would be a good year to work on an official guide to transitioning at Harvard.”

Wow. I’d love to read that. I’ve seen stuff on the internet about transitioning, but it’s mostly about why binding your chest with ACE bandages is bad for you. It isn’t about the scary, big-picture stuff that keeps me up at night, like having to ask my professors to call me by some other name. Or having to tell my mother.

I catch Derek’s eye and nod. Derek smiles.

“So, I’m seeing a few confused faces,” Derek goes on, looking around the table at the other freshmen. “What that means is, we need a guide for transgender students who are transitioning. They could be starting to live openly as women, or as men, or as a nonbinary gender, or making some other change related to their gender presentation. The transition guide will have sections on how to tell your roommates and professors you’re transgender, how to get your name changed on your ID, where to find gender-neutral bathrooms, how to get legal hormone injections, safe places around town to shop for clothes and makeup, whatever. We’ll post the guide on the web and try to get some stories in the Crimson, too.”

The space around the table is getting even more crowded as the freshmen lean in to hear what Derek’s saying, but there are still a lot of blank expressions. I’m so busy watching the crowd I almost miss what Derek says next, but I snap back to attention when I hear my name.

“We could use some help writing the guide from someone who’s new to the Harvard community,” Derek says. “Toni, are you up for it?”

Now everyone’s staring at me again. The other freshmen in particular.

I shift from one foot to the other, but Derek looks perfectly at ease, waiting for me to answer.

It would be stupid to say no. This is as involved in the group as I can get freshman year unless I want to help with cupcake-baking duty. Besides, it sounds interesting.

I wish everyone would stop staring at me, though.

“Sure,” I say.

“Cool,” Derek says. “Why don’t you come back with me after the activities fair? You can meet Nance and we can brainstorm.”

“Excellent idea, Derek,” Brad says without looking up. “I’m sure he’ll have a lot to contribute. Kartik, your turn.”

Kartik, the treasurer, takes over and starts talking about fund-raisers, but half the people gathered on both sides of the table are still looking at me.

I push my way toward the sign-up form and write my name, fast, then back away.

As soon as I’m safely anonymous in the crowd again, my heart starts to slow down. That was terrifying.

Also...kind of awesome.

Now that I’m not nervous anymore, it’s easy to find the other clubs I liked and put my name down on their lists. I sign up for a couple of others, too. Why not? Maybe I should start being more spontaneous now that I’m in college. Maybe that’s how you meet the people who are actually worth meeting.

As the fair winds down, I make my way back to the UBA table. I dodge Shari, who’s sweeping the table clear of cupcake crumbs, just in time to see Derek look over and wave for me to follow.

Whew. I’d been half-worried Derek would forget about me.

We walk across the Yard onto a road I don’t recognize. I’ve never been to any of the houses where the upperclassmen live.

“Will Nance be home when we get there?” I ask as we climb the steps to Derek’s floor. “What about Frisbee?”

“Yeah, she’ll be there,” Derek says. “To be honest, Frisbee was an excuse. Nance hates hanging out with big groups at UBA events. She prefers to handle things behind the scenes.”

That seems odd for someone whose position title has the word outreach in it.

Derek’s house looks a lot like my freshman dorm—old and grand. Loud voices echo toward us as we climb the stairs to Derek’s room.

“Er,” Derek says before turning the key in the lock. “I should probably apologize in advance for anything my roommates might say over the course of the afternoon. Sometimes they get kind of...well. You’ll see.”

With that I’m nervous again.

Derek’s room has a huge common area that’s a lot nicer than mine. It has a bar on one side, a big-screen TV and two leather couches. As the door swings open, I see two people sitting hunched over on a couch in front of the unlit fireplace, arguing about what sounds like the plot of a video game involving toy ponies. When they see me, they stop talking right away.

“Toni,” Derek says, “this is Nance and Eli.”

Nance and Eli wave. Then in unison, as if they rehearsed it, they say, “Yo.”

Then both of them, and Derek, too, start laughing and talking about how funny it is that they both said “Yo” at the same time.

I wave back.

Derek goes over to sit on the couch, perching on the arm and gesturing for me to come join them.

I do. All three of them smile back at me.

They look almost like a family, hanging out here. They remind me of my group of friends back home. Except that in my group of friends back home, I was the only one who was trans.

“Hey,” I say. I try to smile at them as coolly as possible. In this moment, my greatest wish in the world is for the people in this room to like me.

“Toni and I met at the UBA table at the activities fair,” Derek tells the others.

An extremely short Asian person with extremely tall pants stands and slaps my hand. “Hey, man. I’m Eli.” Eli’s voice is very high.

“This is Nance,” Derek says, pointing to the girl who’s still sitting down. “Nance, Toni’s helping us with the transition guide.”

Nance squints at me through a pair of glasses that are almost identical to my own.

“You’re a freshman?” Nance asks in a Southern accent that sounds fake.

“Yep,” I say. “Sorry.”

Eli and Derek laugh.

“S’okay, man. You can’t help it,” Derek says.

I sit down on the couch next to Eli, determined to act as if I fit in here. “What, are you all sophomores?” I ask.

“No way! We look like sophomores to you?” Eli asks.

Eli’s the only one whose gender presentation I can’t figure out. I’m pretty sure Derek’s a trans guy, and I’m pretty sure Nance, whose haircut is almost identical to mine, is a butch lesbian. I can’t tell about Eli, though.

“Sorry, no, you all look really old,” I say, even though Eli looks about nine. All three of them laugh. “Grad students?”

“Juniors,” Nance says, then turns to Derek. “Was tabling as vile as usual?”

Derek shrugs. “Will you guys please at least show up at the next meeting? Don’t make me and Toni fend for ourselves all year.”

I try not to smile, but I’m positively giddy that Derek’s including me this way. As if I’m already part of the group.

“No way,” Nance says. “I put up with those bitches enough as it is. I’m sick of hearing Brad go on and on about how he’s one of the first out gay guys in his final club. It’s like, way to be a groundbreaker. You’re a rich white guy who got a bunch of other rich white guys to let you pay them to be their friend. Five points to Brad.”

Eli laughs. “I might go to a meeting or two. I like free cupcakes.”

“Does Shari make those for all the meetings?” I ask.

“Usually,” Derek says. “She’s gotten good at the food coloring. Every meeting has a different theme. Maybe she won’t make them next time, though, now that you called her out on it.”

“No way!” Nance says. “Did he really?”

It takes me a second to realize Nance is talking about me.

“Yeah, and you should’ve seen it,” Derek says. “Toni opens his mouth once, and Shari’s all over him.”

Okay, now Derek’s doing it, too.

No one’s ever called me by male pronouns before.

It’s strange. Not necessarily bad. It’s...I don’t know what it is, actually.

“So, Toni, what’s your story?” Nance asks. “You got somebody back home?”

“Back home?” Was Nance asking about my parents? I don’t usually rant about my mom to people until I know them better.

“You know, like a girlfriend?” Eli blushes. “I mean, or a boyfriend, or whatever?”

“Oh. Yeah.” A boyfriend? How weird. First the pronouns, now this. It’s been years since anyone thought I was into guys. “My girlfriend goes to NYU.”

“Cool,” Derek says. “Do you have a picture?”

“Yeah.” I try to ignore the familiar twinge of anxiety that’s flared back up in my stomach now that we’re talking about Gretchen and flip through the photos on my phone until I find a good one. “This is us at Queer Prom last year.”

“You had a Queer Prom at your high school?” Nance asks. “Where are you from?”

“DC,” I say.

“Oh,” Nance says. “Figures.”

I want to ask what Nance means by that, but then Eli peers at my phone and whistles like a trucker. Except with Eli’s high-pitched voice it sounds more like a teakettle.

“Nice,” Eli says. “Very nice.”

“Yeah, you’ve got a definite hottie there,” Nance says.

“Uh. Thanks.” I’m not sure whether to be proud or offended. I’m leaning toward proud.

“Yo, guys, don’t be crass,” Derek says, squeezing onto the couch with the rest of us and leaning over to look at the picture. “Show some respect.”

“Hey, man, I have the utmost respect for hotties!” Nance says. Everyone’s laughing, so I do, too. “Ask anyone!”

“That’s not what I heard.” Derek smiles and takes the phone out of Eli’s hand. As Eli reaches over to give it to Derek, I catch a glimpse of a chest binder through Eli’s T-shirt. I guess that means Eli presents as male, too. I wonder if Eli’s definitely trans, like Derek, or still figuring it out, like me.

Nance turns back to me. “Are you going to try to stay with your girlfriend all year? You didn’t want to take a break or anything, what with starting college?”

“‘Taking a break’ is juvenile,” I say, making air quotes. “You’re either with someone or you’re not.”

“Yeah, but freshman year is hard,” Derek says. “Long distance is tough when you haven’t done it before.”

“I know. I’ve heard all the clichés,” I say. “How everyone always breaks up freshman year. I’m just saying they couldn’t have been that committed in the first place if all it takes is some distance to split them up. Besides, Gretchen and I are barely even long distance. New York to Boston is a couple of hours on a train. We can see each other every weekend if we want to.”

“Methinks the gentleman doth protest too much,” Nance mutters. I decide to ignore this.

“Every weekend?” Eli asks. “Are you really going to do that?”

“That’s the plan.” I don’t mention that we skipped last weekend.

“Our friend Andy used to have a girl like that,” Nance says. “She was gorgeous, too. She dumped him, though. She had issues with the trans stuff. You know how it goes with some girls.”

“Is your girlfriend cool with it, Toni?” Eli asks in a soft voice. “Or are you not out to her?”

I can’t imagine keeping such a big secret from someone I care about as much as Gretchen. Is that really normal?

Well, I guess Gretchen kept a pretty big secret from me.

“Gretchen’s very much cool with it,” I say. “We’re completely honest with each other about everything.”

“Hey, you should get her to come up for the Halloween dance so we can meet her,” Derek says. “Since you’ll be visiting back and forth all the time anyway.”

“There’s a Halloween dance?” I ask.

Nance snorts. “Dance isn’t the right word. It’s more of an excuse to dress up in slutwear and drink a ton of alcohol.”

“That works for me,” I say, and the others laugh. Not that Gretchen or I usually drink very much. Gretchen is such a lightweight, and I’m always the one stuck driving.

But I don’t have to drive up here. Everyone walks everywhere at Harvard. I can do what I want here.

I can be who I want.

“Some of the straight guys come in drag,” Derek says. “Mostly it’s respectful, though. It’s supposed to be just for the people in our house, but we can get you guys in.”

“Cool, thanks. I’ll tell Gretchen.”

Nance launches into a story about last year’s Halloween dance and Derek joins in. Soon all of them are rushing to tell me all the best stories from last year, and the details on everyone I met at the UBA table, and all the reasons we shouldn’t be hanging out and talking right now (all four of us have reading we should be doing instead).

Derek and Nance and I don’t do any work on the transition guide, but that’s okay. We have plenty of time.

And I have plenty of time to think about this transitioning stuff on my own, too.

4

SEPTEMBER

FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE

2 WEEKS APART

GRETCHEN

“I looked up your girlfriend online,” Carroll tells me.

It’s a Friday night, and we’re in the lounge carbing up on microwave pasta before we go out. There’s a club Carroll’s been bugging me to try since our first day of classes. Plus my bus to Boston leaves crazy early tomorrow morning, so we figured it would be easier to just stay up all night. It’ll be my first time seeing Toni since school started.

“Oh, yeah?” I say. “Are you and T officially best buds now?”

He laughs. “No. I mean I looked up that genderqueer thing you told me about.”

Crap. I still haven’t mentioned that conversation to Toni. I’ll come clean first thing after I get to Harvard. No, wait, I should do it before I get there. Toni might be upset, and I don’t want to ruin our first visit with this.

“So what did you find out?” I ask Carroll.

“The site said a lot of genderqueer people are just kids who haven’t made up their minds yet whether they want to be a guy or a girl,” Carroll says, turning the faucet on full blast. “It said in the end, most of them either get over it or wind up full-on trannies.”

I sigh. “Don’t say ‘tranny.’ It’s offensive.”

Carroll holds up his hands in surrender. He drops the bowl he was supposed to be rinsing out. It clatters into the sink.

“See?” Carroll says, pointing to it. “Another casualty of political correctness.”

I roll my eyes. “Ha, ha.”

“So, is it true?” He wipes off the bowl. “About genderqueers?”

I’m pretty sure adding an s to genderqueer is offensive, too—it’s offensive to just say queers, I think, and the principle would be the same, right?—but I don’t know that for sure, so I don’t say anything about it.

“I think that’s just a stereotype,” I say, though I’m uncertain. What Carroll read sounds like the kind of thing people say about bi people—that bisexuality isn’t real, and they’re really all either gay or straight and are just being indecisive. Since I have lots of bi friends, and I used to think of myself as kinda-sorta bi, I know that whole thing is bull. Being bi isn’t any less real than being gay or straight is.

The problem is, I know stuff about being bi. I don’t know enough about being genderqueer to argue with whatever Carroll’s been reading. Toni and I talked about this stuff some back when T first told me about it, but it’s all so complicated and it’s hard to remember all the details. I really need to go online and read some websites that are better than the one Carroll found. How will I know which websites are the good ones, though?

I guess I could ask Toni, but—well, I don’t want T to know I’m still kind of confused. A good girlfriend would remember all the details. Actually, a good girlfriend would just instinctively understand all of this.

Of course, a good girlfriend probably wouldn’t have lied about where she was going to college, either.

Okay. Enough. We’re going out. I can berate myself later.

A half-drunk girl wanders into the lounge and says hi to Carroll. He says hi back. She lives on a different floor, but she’s in Tisch with him, I learn.

“Hey, have you met my girl Gretchen?” Carroll asks. “Gretch, this is Tracy.”

The girl looks at me. “Oh, right. I heard there was a lesbian on this floor.”

I laugh. “Yeah, two of us, even.”

The first week of classes, I ran into this girl I knew from debate, Briana. After we stopped laughing about how funny it was that we’d both wound up at NYU, she recruited me to join this volunteer project she’s doing with a middle school in Inwood. She also introduced me to her friends. One of her friends, Heidi, turned out to live on my floor.

It’s nice to have some gay friends at school who are girls. They aren’t nearly as much fun to hang out with as Carroll, though.

“I need to call Toni before we go out,” I tell Carroll.

“Take your time,” he says. “Suck up to the ball and chain. I’m nowhere near finalizing my outfit anyway.”