The Yummy Mummy’s Survival Guide

Anorexia

If you are truly anorexic then you have done well to conceive in the first place, and you should get some medical advice about nutrition for your pregnancy. The main person who will suffer if you don’t eat enough is you: I have known some unbelievably skinny women produce healthy, chubby babies, but they themselves look drained, pale, and pretty rough. Also, we don’t know much about what long-term effects your being slightly undernourished can do to your growing baby. When the breastfeeding kicks in, you really do need to have extra reserves in place if you want to remain healthy, so get some help if you think you should be eating more but can’t.

Bulimia

Again, if you make yourself sick occasionally, regularly or even frequently, you probably won’t stop the day you become pregnant. Bulimia is so widespread these days that there are probably hundreds of pregnant women who continue to make themselves sick, and are terrified of what it’s doing to their baby. I have been an on-and-off sufferer since I was about fifteen, and it was only a recent health scare which finally kicked the habit abruptly and permanently. Being pregnant didn’t, and I carried on being sick every so often throughout all of my pregnancies. My babies were all absolutely fine. The worst part is the guilt and worry, and if you can get some counselling then do. Probably the worst side-effect of bulimia from a baby’s point of view is that it puts your stomach under considerable stress, it can throw your electrolyte balance off-kilter, and it makes you worried.

Taking laxatives

This seems like a very bad idea to me. Laxatives reduce the amount of nutrients getting into your blood, and hence into your baby’s blood. Talk to your doctor as soon as you can about this sort of problem.

There have been many studies into the effects of eating disorders in pregnancy on babies, but there is little to support the idea that having a minor eating problem can put your baby at greater risk of miscarriage or abnormalities. What does seem to be agreed upon is that issues about body image and food do not go away during pregnancy, and can even get worse afterwards unless some kind of counselling is offered. If you are worried, embarrassed or confused about any of these issues, then please, please talk to your doctor or midwife, who should be able to point you in the right direction. Hiding won’t help anybody.

Pampering—Yes Please! But Is It Still Safe?

If indulging in a little luxury and pampering were out of bounds during these most trying months, then Life really would be a total bitch. Luckily, she isn’t, and she has a heart after all. Either that or she just has a well-developed sense of what’s important, and knows that keeping a pregnant lady looking and feeling good is near the top of the list.

So, what can and what can’t you treat yourself to? Here we fall into the ‘not recommended if you are pregnant’ trap: manufacturers are so terrified of getting sued by irate mothers blaming every skin upset, disastrous hair colour or streaky tan-marks on a product they’ve used, that they slap a warning on everything from two-minute hair packs to nail buffers. Actually, not nail buffers, but that’s probably only a matter of time. The only way to keep up your beauty routine and to enjoy some glamour-restoring treats during your pregnancy is by turning up the common-sense dial once again, and trusting your own instincts.

Hair Colouring

See the box of hair-care tips from Daniel Galvin on page 33.

Aromatherapy

To get all serious for a second, you should only use essential aromatherapy oils if you know what you’re doing, and never during the first three months of your pregnancy. Some essential oils are very dangerous if used during pregnancy, and absolutely not worth messing around with. Having said that, the correct blends of oils can restore your sense of mental well-being, happiness and balance, and an aromatherapy facial is a fantastically relaxing and effective way to care for your pregnant skin and worried brain. Book into a salon which caters for Yummy Mummies-to-be, and talk to your beauty therapist about what you need first.

Essential oils to AVOID include basil, camphor, bay, cedarwood, clary sage, clove, cinnamon, hyssop (what?), juniper, marjoram, myrrh, sage and rosemary.

Essential oils which are still OK include peppermint, for morning sickness, lemon for indigestion, lavender, geranium and rosewood for itchy stretch marks, and grapefruit and orange to combat fatigue, now that coffee’s off the menu.

Massage

Essential for pregnancy survival, especially in the later months, but you need to go to a specialist who knows how to handle and pummel your changing body. There are special positions, techniques and even bizarre objects to lean yourself over to make the whole experience safer and more comfortable. Business-savvy health spas up and down the country are cottoning on to the fact thatYummy Mummies are desperate for this sort of pampering, and there are new ones opening every month. Below is a list of some of the finest, and where to find more places near you.

TOP TIP: Leave leaflets for some of these day and weekend spas lying around as the weeks go on, and make subtle hints about feeling very achy and knotted. If he doesn’t book you a little surprise within two weeks, take yourself off with a girlfriend and have a ball.

Nurturing Massage at Elemis Spa: If you like a little inner peace and ancient philosophy with your pampering treat, then head straight here. Using a beanbag for the massage, camellia oil to prevent stretch marks, and specific care for stressed skin, this is sheer luxury in heavenly surroundings.

Pregnancy Massage at Space NK: Each trimester of pregnancy is specially catered for in this aromatherapy treat.

Mother-to-be Package at Apotheke’s Jurlique Day Spa and Sanctuary: How does a float in Dead Sea salts, a body massage, a holistic pedicure and an organic facial sound?

Pitter-Patter Preparation at The Parlour: Using the miracle-working Dermalogica products, this treatment, in fabulously opulent, boudoir-esque surroundings, will tailor to your specific needs brilliantly, and includes full body massage.

Many hotels and day spas offer specific treatments for pregnancy, and babycentre.co.uk lists quite a few.

Fake Tan

Again, there isn’t any evidence to say that this is dangerous in any way, but you might not turn out exactly the colour you had in mind because of your hormone situation. I had no trouble with it at all, and was glad to see a little colour in my now tired and slightly anaemic face and over my increasingly unenviable body. If you can get a professional splash of colour worked into your pampering treat, then so much the better.

Reflexology

Contrary to what you may have heard, reflexology cannot bring on a miscarriage, but most reflexologists won’t treat women in the first three months of pregnancy because that’s when the risk is highest naturally and they don’t want hefty lawsuits. Fair enough. After this, you can have your aching feet prodded and squished as much as you like, unless you have a pre-term labour (before 37 weeks, but what are you having reflexology for if you’re in pre-term labour?!), you suffer from placenta previa (low-lying placenta) or hydro amnios (too much water around the baby). Ask your midwife if you are unsure.

The benefits of reflexology include helping to relieve back pain, curing insomnia and digestive problems, and having somebody touch your feet which is my idea of Heaven at any time.

Keeping Up Appearances à la Maison

Unfortunately, it’s not within most of our budgetary limits to have weekly facials and daily neck and shoulder massages. Damn. But leaving time to pamper yourself at home is just as good for day-to-day survival. This is also true of looking after your basic make-up and the way you dress: you obviously don’t need the most expensive products or a stylist to help you out. Just making some time to wash and dry your hair nicely and taking some extra care over your makeup can give you a cheap but very effective morale boost to get you through the toughest ‘my bum is massive in this’ day.

Home Facials

I always have hundreds of face-mask sachets promising one beauty miracle or another in my bathroom, and they certainly didn’t get ignored when I was pregnant. Your skin will need more pampering and care than it ever has before, as your baby starts to drain every ounce of goodness from your body, and a moisture-replacing, glow-enhancing, dead-cell-removing, mood-lifting face mask will be the cure to your greyness.

Great Exfoliators: Clarins Doux Peeling, Dermalogica Daily Microfoliant and No. 7 Gentle Renewing No Grains Exfoliator.

Great Masks: Botanics Vitamin Recovery Mask, The Body Shop Vitamin E Mask, and Elemis Exotic Cream Moisturising Mask for dry, dull skin. Nivea Visage Active Purifying Face Mask, Crabtree & Evelyn Deep Cleansing China Clay Mask or The Sanctuary Mint and Rosemary Mask for upset, spotty skin.

Great Moisturisers: Olay Total Effects Time Resist Moisturiser, Dr Hauschka Rose Day Cream, Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturising Lotion, Lancome Hydra Zen Reinforced Skin De-Stressing Hydration Cream.

Great Eye Treatments: Elemis Absolute Eye Mask, Lancome Primordiale Optimum Yeux.

Great Hair Treatments: John Frieda Frizz-Ease Miraculous Recovery Deep Conditioning Treatment, The Body Shop Olive Glossing Conditioner.

Great Body Treats: Elemis Frangipani Monoi Moisture Melt, Body Shop Shea Body Butter, Dove Silkening Body Lotion.

Mother-to-Be Treats: The Sanctuary Mum To Be Body Cream, Natalia Perfect Pregnancy Kit Bodycare by Vital Touch.

Debbie, mother of Luke, three, and Helena, eleven months

While I was still in the hospital I shaved my legs, put on a refreshing face pack and painted my finger—and toe-nails. When the health visitor called at my house the next day, she looked at me, in my Monsoon shirt, flowing skirt and full make-up, and asked if I was my sister. She couldn’t believe I had just had a baby, but I felt wonderful. Fully me, and fully ready to tackle the day’s chores.

Sex: How, Why And When?

Sex may not be foremost on your mind as your pregnancy really starts to take shape (as it were), but it’s still there, and it needs some attention too. Pregnancy can have a huge effect on your attitude towards sex, and whatever your experience, somebody else will be feeling the same way.

Some women become nymphomaniacs, others go off sex completely for the rest of their lives, and most fall somewhere in between.

Dealing with the WHY first, there are two answers I have found: firstly, because you still can, and secondly, because if you don’t you will worry about your lack of interest, and that your partner, becoming paralysingly frustrated, will run off with next-door’s nanny while you turn into a miserable old prune. The first part is very real: when you are super-huge, sex becomes physically impossible, if not dangerous to whoever happens to be underneath you. Once the baby is born you won’t be able to have sex for a good few weeks, or even months, and after that you will have to schedule it in between ‘go to bed’ and ‘fall asleep’, which can only amount to about ten seconds, on a good day.

HOW is up to you really, but any chandeliers, trapezes and highly penetrative sex toys are out for now. Sorry. Vibrators are still cool, but careful where you put them is all I’d say: easy does it…Lying on your back is uncomfortable and unwise for long periods of time now, because the baby is getting heavy and it presses down on your back and reduces your blood flow. Get a book and play around, because I’m sure as hell not going to tell you how we did it!

WHEN? Whenever you can. And can be bothered. And don’t feel sick, or have terrible heartburn (although my husband swears he knows the best cure for that, if you know what I mean…), or are too tired, or want to sit in the bath squeezing colostrum out of your nipples instead. It’s your call, because you are the pregnant one here.

Oh, and masturbation is still fine. Quick, effective, painless and risk-free.

TOP TIP: Less of a tip than a request, really. Please, please keep having sex as much as you can while you are pregnant. It’s so easy to put it on hold for a while, but getting your mojo back when you’ve been ‘on a break’ for several months is really difficult. You will need all the help you can to feel like a sexy, horny, desirable, nubile young thing once you become a Yummy Mummy as it is, and sex is one of the best ways of keeping in touch with the old you.

The F Word: I am Definitely the Fattest Person in the World

No you’re not. You are pregnant. Reminding yourself that you are pregnant and not fat doesn’t make it any easier or less distressing at the time, alas: when you start to feel big, bloated and shapeless it’s horrible, and you won’t be able to see past your growing abdomen and convince yourself that it’s actually not that bad. However, to most other, rational people you look lovely and womanly.

TOP SURVIVAL TIPS for this stage:

Don’t spend hours looking at yourself in front of the mirror from all angles, wondering if you are still the same shape when you try really hard to imagine the bump isn’t there. It’s hopeless.

It’s impossible to be objective. To your pregnant eyes, everything is bigger. And bigger is definitely not better right now.

Don’t ask your partner’s opinion. It’s very unfair, because he can only either lie to you or be the target of your pregnant wrath and loathing. You won’t believe him anyway, because you are convinced that you are fat, so leave him out of it. Poor bloke.

Look at pictures of beautiful, sexy, curvaceous women, and realise that larger can definitely be gorgeouser. Rachel Weisz, Jennifer Lopez, Kate Winslet, Kelly Brook and on and on. Sexy, curvy women! Love it.

If none of the above works, then this will be a difficult, depressing few months, until you become properly pregnant and have no option but to go with the flow and love your bump. In the meantime, do yourself a favour and remember: YOU ARE NOT FAT, you just have ‘fat lenses’ in for a while.

Testing, Testing: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six…

Pregnant women need to toughen up before the birth, and the best way to do this is to stick needles in them as often as possible. Or so the medical profession seems to think. By the time you’ve reached The End, your arms will look like a watering can, you’ll have weed in enough small plastic vials to fill a watering can, and you will have had more tests than a watering can goes through before it’s released onto the shelves at B&Q.

Most of this testing is just to keep an eye on your iron levels and to see if there’s any protein in your urine (a sign of pre-eclampsia, aka Very Bad News). But there are other tests you will be offered, which can tell you a lot about your unborn baby, and which you will have to decide whether to have done or not.

Here are some of the main tests to expect:

Routine blood tests. These will first determine your blood group, rhesus factor and iron levels, and then whether you have Hepatitis B, syphilis (ugh) or toxoplasmosis, and whether you are immune to German measles. If you are rhesus negative you will probably have blood tests every four weeks or so after 28 weeks.

Blood-pressure checks. Every time you see your doctor she will check that your blood pressure isn’t starting to shoot through the roof. If you are like me, the opposite problem will occur: my blood pressure gets lower throughout every pregnancy, until I can barely stand up without passing out. Hey, at least it’s different.

Screening for Down’s Syndrome. This is a hard decision for some, and an obvious one for others. Only you know how you would feel about having a child with Down’s, so talk it through with your partner and do whatever feels right for both of you. There are loads of different tests available, and different areas will offer different ones.

Glucose-tolerance test. Some women develop a special form of diabetes during pregnancy, and this is detected by finding extra sugar in your urine. You will probably have to drink a can of Lucozade and then have a blood test shortly after. Don’t do what I did, which was to drink a can of Diet Lucozade. The whole point is to get the sugar in there, Liz—duh!

Urine tests. You’ll have these throughout your pregnancy to check for signs of pre-eclampsia and to practise being humiliated. There is no simple way to get it in the bottle, so just hold it down there, hope for the best, and scrub your hands, wrists and forearms afterwards.

Amniocentesis. By removing a sample of your amniotic fluid with a long, hollow needle, and then analysing its contents, doctors can identify hundreds of genetic disorders, including Down’s Syndrome, trisomy 18, and spina bifida. It is usually offered between the fifteenth and eighteenth week of pregnancy, and you have to be very sure that you want it done: there is a 1 in 200 chance of having a miscarriage after amniocentesis, so it is a big risk to take if you don’t really need it. Talk about it…

Ultrasound Scans

Oh. My. God. Amazing, amazing, amazing. Scans are one of the most incredible things you will experience during the whole of your pregnancy, on a par with feeling your baby move and looking at your cleavage. A scan makes your baby seem real for the first time, and it can be a huge shock.

If you have completely irregular periods, like me, then you might have a scan within the first few weeks of gestation, just to confirm how far gone you are. At this stage there is almost nothing to see, except for a small blob, so don’t get too excited.

It’s common to have another one at about twelve weeks, to check that everything is hunky-dory, and to terrify you a little. By this stage your baby is about six centimetres long, and you may clearly be able to see the beginnings of little limbs, and a definite head bit. This is a good chance to get the first ‘baby photo’, which you can stick on your drinks cabinet to remind you why you’re not going to have that gin and tonic, or hide in your wallet and peek at on the way home.

The BIG SCAN usually happens at twenty weeks, and you should prepare yourself well. This time you will see a proper-looking human baby sucking its thumb, kicking its legs, waving at you (yes, really waving at you), scratching its head, turning somersaults and all sorts. Most people cry, some can’t speak for hours, and others get hysterical.

Tips to make the experience better:

Never go to a scan alone: This is one of the most important moments of your life, and sharing it with a four-year-old copy of Hello is not a good idea. You will need a cuddle when you come out, so take someone special.

Drink lots of water: It makes the image better, because a full bladder pushes the baby closer to the ultrasound thingy…

Wear some beautiful knickers: They will be seen.

Check your bikini line: They make you pull your knickers down very low, and it will just make the nurse’s day if there are no wayward hairs sticking out. Eeek.

Bring some cash: Trying to pay for a baby photo with a credit card won’t work, and you only get one chance to buy one.

Tell the scan-lady (or man) if you want to see the screen better: They are usually very kind, and will turn the monitor round for you to see everything. Otherwise you end up with a cricked neck as well as a belly covered in jelly.

Ask if you can’t identify anything: The image from an ultrasound is very dark and confusing, and unless you are used to looking at such things, it may look like nothing but black and grey blobs. Don’t lie there saying, ‘Oh yes! I can see her tiny fingers’, when really you could be looking at her earlobe for all you know. Ask, and ye shall learn.