The Yummy Mummy’s Survival Guide

Once upon a very unfashionable time, all pregnant women dressed badly. This was partly because there were no gorgeous maternity ranges available, and partly because Yummy Mummies hadn’t been invented yet. Happily, times have changed, and we all know that pregnant ladies can look fabulous: just look at Anna Friel and Victoria Beckham.

Of course everyone has a different opinion of what constitutes an attractive woman: some like their ladies curvy, others prefer the androgynous nymph; curls do it for some, poker-straight for others. Tall, short, blonde, brunette, muscular, willowy, bold, reclusive, pale, tanned, made-up or natural, we come in a glittering array of shapes and forms, and manage to look sexy and feminine in all of them. We are clever, aren’t we?

But whatever your personal ideal, one thing makes a woman look like a woman, and feel like a woman. It’s such an important biological characteristic that even babies can tell the difference between a man and a woman by it. No, it’s not the presence of breasts: it’s the hourglass figure created by having a defined waist.

Ah! A waist! A flat, trim, nipped-in waist. Hips are fairly crucial to the female form too, but unless your waist is smaller than your hips, it’s very hard to look feminine, and it’s harder still to feel beautiful. Social anthropologists reckon a ‘magic ratio’ of waist to hips of 7:10 is evolutionarily significant: it signals sexual appeal at a primal level, as it indicates good child-bearing potential. You mean men think that hard?

Those geniuses among you will already have guessed where I’m going here: when you are pregnant, your waist disappears for a while, and then reappears as your bump starts to come out—a LONG way after a certain point, and it is not the most flattering shape when it comes to modern fashions and ideas of femininity, and looking good in these circumstances takes some effort.

The First Signs of a Change

I always imagined that the Absolutely Enormous phase towards the end would be the worst time of pregnancy, in terms of how I looked and felt, but actually many of my friends agree with me that the moment your waist disappears is one of the big pregnancy lows. At least when it’s out, it’s out, and you can pretend to glow and blossom into your new shape. But when it’s just not there at all you look neither slim nor pregnant. I wanted to wear a badge explaining: ‘I know I don’t really look it yet, but the reason I’m a bit shapeless is that I’m four months pregnant and my waistline is in temporary hiding. Please stop staring at me and pretend that I look lovely.’

Unfortunately, there’s very little that clothing can do to help. Developing an addiction to Juicy Couture trousers is not so much a fashion statement as a ‘missing waist’ concealer, and it works, and I’d advise any bloated-feeling Yummy Mummy-to-be to do the same. Don’t do what I did though: I lived in some very unattractive tracksuit trousers for a month or so, and all this did was to make me feel incredibly fat and ugly. By my third pregnancy I’d learned that ‘comfy’ doesn’t mean shapeless and without-any-style-at-all. Wearing some stylish, comfy trousers at this not-quite-pregnant-enough-yet stage makes you feel much better about your condition.

Pregnancy Wardrobe Phase One: Before It Really Shows

Wear comfy (but gorgeous) trousers, which fit your legs well but have a forgiving waist: stretch fabric, low-slung and elasticated all work at this stage.

Make sure your top half is longer than waist-length.

Three-quarter-length jackets come into their own now.

Tie a hoody or a jumper around your waist and pretend the bulk is from that.

Wear a really long, skinny scarf which hangs loosely down to your waist: it hides what’s behind. But don’t wear belts or tie scarves around your waist—it just accentuates the enlargement.

Long cardigans (worn open) can hide your curveless middle zone.

Dresses can be a good plan, as the whole ‘waist’ issue is lessened, but avoid anything tight, obviously. Keep that for later.

Floaty and feminine is a look which works; structured and fitted isn’t. Avoid über-floaty though, as this can easily turn into ‘shapeless heap’ which helps no one. You need some structure.

Don’t buy maternity clothes yet. You want to enjoy these last months of wearing semi-normal clothes while you can, and you may not even need them, if you are lucky and clever with your wardrobe. And anyway, you won’t believe how big you are going to get, and you will almost certainly buy everything a size or two too small. I had to take everything back the first time, because I grew out of them at seven months. Darn!

Accentuate the positive: legs, bust, neck, shoulders, arms—wherever you look best is what we want to see most of.

Later On (When You Are Really Showing)

For me this tended to happen at about six months. Until this point I was always certain that I wouldn’t get that much bigger, being what I considered to be enormous already. Everyone convinces themselves of this, because thinking any other way is just too depressing. But a moment passes at around six months in your first pregnancy (and at about three months in subsequent ones) when your stomach will start its journey outwards, and this signals the end of Pregnancy Wardrobe Phase One.

Now that your bump has become clearly visible, you enter the next phase of wardrobe confusion. Instead of cunningly concealing a slightly tubby midriff, the best way forward is to embrace your bump and make a feature of it. A protruding, pregnant waist is not at all the same as a fat stomach: the latter comes with all the trimmings of a fat everything else, usually, and making an effort to lessen the impact is probably a good idea. But when you’re pregnant, 90% of your body is almost as trim as it was before, and you just have an unamusingly large middle zone. Trying to hide it is the female equivalent of sweeping long straggles of wispy hair over a man’s bald patch: it looks worse than it did before, and fools nobody.

Jemima French, designer, Frost French

I felt great when I was pregnant. I used to wear designer pregnancy jeans which where really comfy and yet still flattering on the bum. I also used to cut my own jeans at the back and wear big baggy t-shirts which was both practical and stylish. I wore lots of empire vintage nightie dresses which made me feel cute.

Pregnancy Survival Wardrobe Phase Two

Stay in regular clothes for as long as possible. If you’re lucky, you will be able to wear non-maternity bottom halves right up to the birth, by tucking the waist under your bump and wearing trousers as hipsters. But remember that clothes will sit differently now, so make sure they still look good.

Long skirts can make you look dumpier and more box-like, because they don’t show your legs. Minis have the advantage of slim-leg exposure, which takes the eye away from the waist, but they are only for the brave (or tasteless—I never went along with the ‘pregnant hooker’ look, but perhaps you can pull it off better than me.) Mid-length will slim you out if your calves and ankles are still trim, as they might be if you are still exercising well and putting your feet up whenever possible.

Don’t move into your partner’s clothes just because they are bigger. They are bigger, but they are not cut for your shape or size, and the old ‘looking like a sack’ adage will apply to you.

Don’t over-complicate matters. Keep it simple: bold patterns and prints may be in, but you should stick to understated and muted for now, unless you are as self-confident as Trinny or Susannah.

Invest in some hip maternity clothes to see you through this last bit in style. Now you can go for the maternity wear if you need to (see below), but remember you will get bigger than you think. Think bigger, bigger, bigger.

Black works.

Try support tights. These make Bridget Jones’s knickers look like something from a Victoria’s Secrets catalogue, but they do apparently have some amazing health benefits for your legs: they can reduce varicose veins and can even keep your legs trimmer and more shapely. I never wore them, mainly because I never wore skirts much, but I have heard some very favourable reports from other Yummy Mummies who swore by them. Or was it at them? Not sure.

Sexy underwear is absolutely essential. I sparked off quite a debate in Cambridge when I happened to mention in one of my parenting columns that I still possess, and wear, thongs. ‘Thongs? A mother wearing a thong? A pregnant mother wearing a thong? Disgraceful!’ cried the forward-thinking inhabitants of this highly educated city. Perhaps some learned professor could explain the psychology behind the theory that ‘all women who are pregnant should make themselves feel worse by wearing Big Pants’. It’s complete tosh. Quite apart from the fact that increasing numbers of medical professionals will be looking around down there, and so making an effort is only polite, you will feel better if you stick to sexy lingerie.

All hail Diane Von Furstenberg, who invented the wrap dress. Now here’s a style which works throughout pregnancy, provided it fits well. Whether it’s a crossover shirt, jumper, dress, or a long-sleeved T, wrap yourself in one of these and cruise to the finish-line looking sexy.

Leggings. You’re getting into dangerous territory here, and you should try to avoid these unless you want to look like a maternity-wear model in the mid-Eighties. I wore them, and hated myself every day. The same can be said for…

…dungarees. (Unless you are as hip as Sarah Jessica Parker, in which case you can look fabulous in the frumpiest of maternity frocks.) Dungarees are actually having a bit of a revival at the time of writing, but fashions come and fashions go, and this is one item which needs some careful research.

Top Wardrobe Tips From Vanessa and Baukjen, designers of hip maternity label Isabella Oliver

Soft, drapey jerseys, and anything that stretches, are the best fabrics and cuts to cover your bump. They are always comfortable and will grow and move with you, while still looking feminine and sexy.

Buy as many little black jersey dresses as possible for pulled together, versatile looks which are always feminine. They are easy to wear for work, or dressed up for an evening out with sparkly accessories and sexy heels.

You shouldn’t have to change your style just because you are pregnant. The same rules of dressing still apply—there is no reason to start wearing oversized, tent-like clothes or pinafores just because you are pregnant.

Splurge on handbags, shoes, scarves and jewellery. Make the most of your classic, versatile wardrobe by changing your accessories to fit the occasion. It is so easy to change your daytime and evening look by simply putting a few strands of chunky beads around your neck or by adding a pair of dramatic, sparkly earrings. The possibilities are endless!

Mind the Gap. If your tops aren’t long enough you will have a gaping hole between the bottom of your top and the top of your bottoms, which can only be filled by a swollen, veiny tummy. You will also look much bigger because everything will hang straight from your boobs down, with no curves or shaping. Tops have to cover your bump and fit well.

Shoes. Here’s where you can add some essential sex-appeal. Living in trainers for four months is very comfortable, but it’s highly unglamorous. Do what the sexiest Yummy Mummies do and stick to something pretty for as long as you feel comfortable (and stable!) and keep trainers as part of a low-key, funky street look, rather than a ‘dishevelled blob who crawled off the sofa to fetch a pint of milk’ outfit.

Accentuate your neck and shoulders with pretty necklines. That’s ‘pretty’, not ‘plunging’, unless you want to show off your newly impressive cleavage.

Use accessories to draw attention away from your waist. Scarves, earrings, hats and brooches all work, but not all at the same time: less is always more on the accessories front.

Avoid large areas of uniform colour. Breaking things up a bit, especially across your chest, will make you look smaller.

Stand and walk tall, and pretend you don’t feel pregnant. This really works, and you will look 1,000 times better immediately.

Shoe Warning!

Don’t even think about buying expensive (but obviously gorgeous) shoes when you are heavily pregnant, especially if it’s in the summer months. I made the huge mistake of indulging in some ‘shoes are the only answer to my hideousness’ retail therapy care of Anya Hind-march when I was eight months pregnant with number three, and walked away beaming with a pair of almost edible kitten heels.

Alas, when it came to the Big Summer Wedding three months (and one baby) later, I discovered that they were a size too big. Needless to say, I wore them anyway, with several layers of insoles, but to be honest I just looked ridiculous, they came off with every step, and I ended up barefoot on the dancefloor. Silly girl.

Maternity Clothes You Might Like to Buy

The excellent news for all you future Yummy Mummies is that maternity wear has become as stylish as normal gear, with everyone from Juicy Couture to Elle MacPherson launching maternity ranges. Not only that, but many high-street brands have been quick to get in on the act, and now make utterly fashionable, very affordable maternity wear. You don’t need a budget like Liv Tyler to look as glamorous as she did when she was pregnant, so get yourself down to one of the stores listed on pages 51-52 and get some figure-flaunting, sexy outfits.

Is it worth it?

If you’re only going to be in them for a few months, after which you’ll want to burn the lot, is it worth spending money on nice maternity clothes?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

As every woman knows, it’s not how you look, it’s how you feel. Although obviously if you look terrible you will also feel terrible but it’s safe to say that you need every bit of help at this time to feel good in your new body, and investing in some pretty maternity gear is one huge leg-up. Good maternity clothes can improve your look dramatically, because they are specially cut to fit your peculiar new shape, which makes them much more flattering: normal tops are always too short and tight, skirts are too short in the front and look ridiculous and so on. As well as this, anything non-maternity you wear in these last months will stretch so much that it will never go back to normal, and you’ll regret ruining half of your wardrobe.

1. Underwear

You need a good, supportive bra for the extra volume (and hence extra weight) and if you are going to breastfeed then you might as well make it a nursing bra while you’re at it. Don’t buy a plain white tit-sling: buy the most beautiful one you can find, even if it’s slightly squeezing the budget. Bits of this bra will appear in public when you start feeding, and you should be very proud to have it on display. Elle MacPherson has a lovely range, as do faithful M&S.

2. Vests

Maternity ones have better boob support than your normal ones, which is essential for you, and they are cut longer to fit snugly over your bump, which is essential for everyone who has to look at you. I bought four from Top Shop and used them until they fell apart, which was about three months before I did.

3. Jeans or Trousers

I feel a bit hypocritical telling you to buy a pair of maternity trousers, because I didn’t for my first two pregnancies. I found the stretchy panel over the bump part just soooo unattractive that I stuck to my regular jeans and tucked them under my bump. However, during my last pregnancy, I discovered the truly gorgeous Earl Jean maternity range, which succeeded in making me neither look nor feel particularly pregnant at all, and anything which can do that is worth serious consideration. I’ve since noticed several pregnant friends looking great in H&M and Next maternity jeans, so have a look and see what feels good.

4. Workwear

If you need to look suit-smart at work, investing in a proper maternity one could be a great investment, unless you are one of the 2% of (lying) pregnant women who manage to fit into all their normal clothes until the birth.

If you work in an office where shirts are the norm, it’s worth buying a maternity one, because they will fit much better and you’ll avoid the button-popping look over the waist and bust-line. You might even consider getting a smart, properly fitted maternity skirt if your ankles are still worth seeing, and if not, then stretchy bootleg black trousers will see you most of the way through. Check out Formes, Séraphine, Tête-à-Tête, Upfront and Top Shop B maternity range for some good work gear.

5. Eveningwear

You will be invited to a stylish function when you are absolutely humungous—it’s Mrs Murphy’s Law—so be prepared. It may feel like a huge waste of money, but buying a glam maternity dress which will make you the most attractive, sensual woman in the room is worth it. If you are not brave enough to do the top-to-toe clingy black dress à la Victoria Beckham, then go for something a little more conservative but equally stunning. You can’t pretend you don’t have a massive stomach, but you can pretend that you feel sexy. Cunning.

That’s about it to be honest. Above all, have fun with your temporary wardrobe. Hiding away for three months because you have nothing beautiful to wear is absolutely not acceptable: you are a gorgeous Yummy Mummy-to-be, so show the world what you’re made of and strut!

Where to Buy Your Yummy Maternity Clothes

Good Value: Shops

Top Shop: Already everybody’s favourite shop, but it just got a little bit better for mummies-to-be. Great!

Dorothy Perkins: Good for staples like vests and definitely affordable.

H&M Mama: You wouldn’t expect this range to be anything less than fashionable, beautiful and well within budget and it doesn’t disappoint at all.

Gap: No maternity range yet—watch this space!—but their generous sizing means you can get away with non-maternity stuff for a long time, and it’s all very preppy and cool.

Formes: Now here’s one of the most stylish places to buy maternity wear. A tad more expensive but gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!

Good Value: Online

This is a great way to shop if you feel so queasy or fat that you can’t face trawling through the shops. Many websites are beautifully designed, so you can stock up your new wardrobe feeling confident and lovely. Just go easy on the ‘buy’ button: you’ll only need most of this stuff for a couple of months, so four pairs of maternity jeans is probably overdoing it a bit.

Blooming Marvellous: Plenty of choice and it’ll see you through the ‘big’ months looking fine.

JoJo Maman Bébé: Très chic basics and dresses.

Isabella Oliver: Beautifully designed flattering wardrobe essentials for you to look fabulous throughout.