Surrender To Love

How his voice could change! Now, as he interrupted her, it had become deceptively silken again. “Allow me please, Miss Howard, to save you the embarrassment of saying it aloud. You were struggling for exactly the proper words to make it clear that you’re still a virgin? How admirable! Saving your—er—virtue for the lucky man who legally weds you, and then…But never mind. I suppose I should pay tribute to your strength of character, as you deserve. I humbly beg your pardon, chaste Diana, for having doubted your purity even for a wicked instant! And as a token of my repentance, I have a gift to offer you. A little trinket that you might be pleased to get back without having other people know where you lost it or how it happened to fall into my possession.”

“I don’t know what you can be hinting at this time, and what is more, I no longer give a fig for any of your sly threats and insinuations!” Alexa retorted hotly. “And if you do not take me back to my aunt this instant…”

“Before I return your pretty gold bracelet to you? Or haven’t you missed it yet? I saw it gleaming on the bottom of the pool, speared by a stray moonbeam. That was after your dangerous-looking pistol had made me think better of continuing in my efforts to seduce you. And then, since I sometimes have an unfortunate tendency towards being rather sentimental, I decided to keep it as a souvenir of my encounter with a mermaid on a moonlit night. In fact, I have it with me now. But perhaps you don’t particularly care if you have it back or not?”

In a low, choked voice, Alexa barely managed to articulate, “You’re…you’re even lower than a…a snake…a viper! You’re vile! And completely without scruples or…or conscience, aren’t you? I wish…”

“Be careful of what you wish, or it might come true!” The false smile he gave her was slightly twisted. “I seem to have heard or read that somewhere, a long time ago. And I won’t remind you of another old saying about finders being keepers if you will continue to…why, what a light dancer you are, Miss Howard. Such a pleasure to lead! And do you not agree that it is much cooler out here where we can see the stars and watch the moon as it begins to sink? You can always scream for help if I make an improper move, you know. And will it make you feel even safer if I promise not to make any attack on your cherished virginity?”

She did not feel at all safe out here alone with him on the gallery, Alexa discovered. Not even when he released her and pointedly stationed himself at least a foot away from her with his back to one of the gleaming white columns that helped support the roof of the gallery. He was a barbarian, that’s what he was! Donning the outward guise of being civilized like a leopardskin cloak that could be thrown aside or worn again to suit his own ends.

“I don’t…” Her breathing quickened by anger and frustration, Alexa had to make an effort to steady her voice before she could continue scornfully, “I suppose you will only feel flattered if I am forced to admit that since I have unfortunately learned that I cannot trust in any gentlemanly instincts you might possess, I…No! I do not feel any safer in your company, Señor de la Guerra, than I would if I should have found myself locked into a cage with a tiger! But at least with animals you know where they are—they are either hungry or they are not; whereas you have done your best to try and frighten me all evening long with your hints and your veiled threats, haven’t you? But why? And to what end? You have practically forced me out here in order to reclaim a little gold bracelet of no great value that was my mother’s before she gave it to me, and means much more to her than it ever could to me. Why? You must surely have realized by now that I am no match for you with your clever, sarcastic speeches that are meant to leave a sting and the way you have of manipulating people and circumstances to suit yourself. You must have known that all along! I cannot understand either you, or the motives for your calculated cruelty, or…”

Alexa had turned her face away to stare blindly out into the night while she delivered her furious little speech; and now suddenly she was utterly surprised when she felt him reach over to run one long finger lightly over her averted cheek.

“Poor, frightened little virgin! You don’t really understand anything about life yet, do you? You’re a product of your upbringing and your environment, I suppose, for all that you’re daring enough to take a few risks now and then. What do you do about those certain emotions that run far deeper than the surface ones you’re supposed to display? Have you ever wondered, poor little lost mermaid, about what you might really want or need; quite apart from what you have been told you should want? Did you imagine that you had committed some mortal sin merely because you enjoyed the way I touched your body and made you feel as if you wanted to experience even more? Is that the only reason why you hate and fear me so much now—because I gave you the yearning for forbidden fruit? Damn you, sea witch! Will you look at me? For God’s sake! Do you really, in your most secret heart, believe that what happened by chance between us—two strangers meeting naked on a moon-enchanted night—was not natural and normal, but something bad and sinful? Christ! Must the naked truth be constantly cloaked by evasions and euphemisms in order to satisfy the hypocrisy of others?”

Even while he exploded at her and goaded her, Nicholas could not help wondering, with some detached part of his mind, why he should take the trouble to do so. Whether she was actually a virgin or not, it was clear that she was inexperienced at least—and, as she had pointed out, no match for his cunningly thrown barbs. Damnation! She was barely eighteen!

But last night she had seemed ageless. Aphrodite rising from the sea. Mermaid…moon goddess…sea nymph. Temptress-witch. Last night. He was the one who should have known better than to expect whatever the hell it was he had expected when he had recognized her tonight.

Nicholas had been almost ready to back away from her when Alexa suddenly whirled her body around to face him as he had demanded earlier—for all the world like an animal at bay. Her storm-dark eyes were pinpointed by tiny red flames, reflecting the light of the crimson-shaded lantern that had been placed in the center of one of the tables. She reminded him, in that moment, of a cornered vixen—all eyes, claws and teeth; and in fact the angry vibrations that he could almost feel emanating from her tense body were all animal. A vixen all right! The impression was heightened by the somewhat pointed, high-cheekboned face and the way her thick hair sprang back from her temples, escaping winsomely at the same time in tiny, curling tendrils that clung to her forehead and her cheeks.

“How can you possibly preach to me about honesty and truth and what is natural when you are such a hypocrite yourself? I think you have learned only too well to use certain words and catchphrases in order to achieve your ends, and to twist things about until…Well, I don’t care what you say any longer, or how you taunt me, because I…Oh! I may be naive and silly and all of the other things you’ve implied, but at least you have opened my eyes to…Why, you are nothing but a disgusting lecher!”

“I must admit that lecher, especially delivered in that particular tone, sounds positively cutting! In case you should be prompted to use the word again, that is. But on the other hand, if you should really want to sound insulting, you might try ‘bastard,’ or even…”

“I would really prefer not to hear any more!” Alexa interrupted acidly while she tried valiantly to hold on to her treacherous temper. “In fact, you surely must be quite aware that the only reason I am still in your company is because…Well, I don’t care! If you do not have the decency to return my mother’s bracelet to me, then I have no choice but to consider it stolen and you the thief. And moreover, if you will not immediately escort me back inside I am quite capable of finding my own way! By now my aunt…”

His sudden laugh was unpleasant and made Alexa start nervously before she could prevent herself from doing so. “Dios! Why should I give a damn, after all, about what you seem to be and what you turn out to be? As you have reminded me, Miss Howard, I am old enough to know better than to believe in illusions. Mermaids and sea nymphs are only myths, after all, and the magical, ethereal qualities they are said to possess merely a product of man’s wishful imagination. Surrendering one’s rational mind to the spell of the moon is as foolish as believing in chaste young goddesses who come to give themselves up to the moon and are surprised by vile man with all his base instincts!”

“I don’t…Please!” Alexa did not realize that she had whispered that last word almost pleadingly until she heard herself.

“Of course. My apologies. You want your mother’s bracelet back since it has such sentimental value. Don’t worry, you shall have it back as soon as I…Ah, here it is.”

Most of the candles that had made the gaily colored lanterns glow had guttered out by now; but as if to compensate there was the yellow-gold light of the setting moon slanting dimly across the gallery from the west as it seemed to search out a hiding place in the moving, restless sea.

Hiding? Was that really what she was doing? Hiding from whatever was her real self? And who was her real self? She would find out for herself some day. In any case, it certainly wasn’t any of his business!

Stiffly, Alexa forced herself to say: “Thank you. And I suppose it was rather rude of me not to say before how grateful I am that you…” Behind her awkwardly stammered words a picture flashed through her mind of the shape of a body cutting through black water to rise suddenly and after almost too long, to break through a moon-silvered surface. An arm—uplifted for a moment in a mocking salute. He must have been holding her bracelet then!

“Your fingers feel as cold as ice, Miss Howard!” The rough impatience in his voice stiffened her spine, even as he added, “Here, let me fasten the clasp for you. I suppose you’re used to having your maid perform such tasks, although you might remind her the next time to be more careful…”

With her precious bracelet fastened safely about her wrist once again, sheer relief if nothing else made Alexa say snappishly: “I do not have a maid who waits on me hand and foot, and I am not so helpless as to expect someone else to clasp a bracelet about my wrist! And besides, I do not possess many pieces of jewelry either!”

“No? But what a pity! Although I’m quite sure that you soon will have if you follow all the rules and catch yourself a wealthy husband who will be able to provide you with every luxury you might desire.”

“Catch? What a denigrating word! And why, pray, do you imagine that I should need to catch myself a husband? I am sure that if it comes to that there will be more than enough men who would want to catch me for me to choose from when the time comes!”

“Ah! A flash of honesty at last!” Alexa could almost sense the lift of one patronizing black brow. “But it’s very wise of you, moon maid, to let them do the chasing, without committing yourself too soon. It puts the price up as well, although I don’t mean to sound crude.”

“But of course you did. And far from being in the least honest yourself you’re a hypocrite, which is even worse. And…” Alexa’s unruly tongue ran away with her as her volatile temper passed boiling point, and she almost spat out the ultimate insult that he had taught her. “You’re…Why, you bastard!”

“You certainly pick things up quickly, I see,” he drawled aggravatingly. “And don’t think you’d get away with going for me with those sharp little claws of yours, because I can move faster than you can and as you’ve already surmised I’m not your usual polite gentleman—I don’t possess too many scruples either.”

“You’ve certainly made that much quite obvious, haven’t you?” Breathing deeply, Alexa made an attempt at icy coldness, although her voice still shook slightly. “And you’re a cruel man as well. I think you enjoy fixing others on the sharp pins of your ridicule and your sarcasm, just to watch them squirm. Well, if I’ve provided you with enough sport for one evening I should like to be escorted back to my aunt, if you please. I am not enjoying myself—or your company either.”

“No? But then, since I am a bastard, why should I let that make any difference to me?” Suddenly, the mockery in his voice deepened to harshness as he added, “And that, little virgin bitch-goddess, is why I intend to claim my forfeit for returning that precious bracelet of yours before I return you to your tía dueña!”

Without warning he had grasped her roughly by the shoulders; his fingers pressing into her flesh as he bent her backward against the railing; and during those first few instants Alexa thought fearfully that he meant to break her in two. And then his lips descended over hers with all the fierceness of an eagle swooping on its prey, cutting off her breath along with her reason, so that for some moments she actually thought that he meant to kill her as Othello had killed Desdemona—with a punishing kiss.

Was it only terror that held her still after her first, shamefully brief attempt to tear herself free? Alexa felt her head fall helplessly back against his arm as he forced her lips apart to explore her mouth, and almost instinctively she raised her arms, meaning to beat against him with her fists before it—the same strange thing that had happened to her before—seemed to take hold of her. That frightening, helpless feeling as if all her bones were melting and running together, so that she could hardly stand and needed to hold on to him for support. Heat—suddenly flooding through her to make her face, her breasts, her whole body burn and tingle as if she had a fever that had rendered her mindless and incapable of resisting either him or her own worse instincts. She felt the rippling movement of the muscles in his back, even under the jacket he wore, and remembered without shame how he had looked naked—the feel of his flesh under her hands. And now her fingers touched his hair, wanting on their own to memorize its texture; and if she didn’t know what she was doing or why, she wasn’t sane enough to care at that moment. Not even when he brushed his fingers gently and teasingly down from her temple and along the arch of her neck—and even further down to touch her breasts, seeming to burn through the stuff of her gown and knowing exactly where to linger.

Why was she encumbered by so many layers of clothing anyhow? Alexa realized suddenly, or rather her body did, that she wanted the feel of his fingers against her skin, touching her everywhere, not stopping. No thinking to cloud this surge of pure, primitive feeling. She felt like a pitch-soaked torch, suddenly ignited and flaring into brilliant life; and yet at the same time she had no real understanding of why she felt so, or what it meant, or even of where such feelings might lead her. She had not even asked herself why she had so recklessly allowed herself to be carried beyond caution and carefully set boundaries as her body arched eagerly and almost fiercely against his and the sea-murmuring in her ears was the sound of their breathing, his and hers, as he held her and took her even more closely against himself until Alexa could almost feel that she was melting into him. Melting—dissolving…

It was Nicholas, in the end, who broke away; firmly disengaging her clinging arms from about his neck while he cursed himself for having allowed himself to be goaded into yielding to a wildly irrational impulse. Christ! He, at least, was certainly old enough to have known better and to have thought of the possible consequences. What if someone else had decided to come out here for a breath of the cool night air and had seen them? Unfairly enough, it would have been her reputation that would have been ruined, and he had neither reason nor any right to do that to her, after all.

She was staring up at him in a dazed fashion, her eyes wide and uncomprehending, her mouth…But he had better not start thinking along those lines again, Nicholas warned himself grimly. She was passionate, and obviously manready, as he had already gauged; and he could not prevent himself from almost regretting that he could not be the one who would take her for the first time, making her like it. But she’d probably end up marrying some clumsy oaf who wouldn’t take the time or the trouble to discover what a prize he had; and in the end she’d turn cold and hard, substituting expensive trinkets, which could be shown off, for feeling and emotion. For all that she seemed to be possessed of a daring and adventurous spirit now, there was no doubt that in the end she would be made to conform and would turn out exactly like all the other young women of her class and background.

Poor, pretty, ingenuous Alexa! A mixture of both pity and regret made his voice unusually gentle as he touched her face and was not able to resist lightly tracing the contour of her soft lips with one finger.

“Dammit, I suppose I should tell you how sorry I am for having allowed myself to get carried away; but that would be hypocritical, for I thoroughly enjoyed kissing you and I would have liked even better to have been able to make love to you, little moon maid. But I suppose that would have created quite a scandal, and I’m not as completely devoid of scruples as you accused me of being.”

“Stop it! Stop talking down to me as if I’m a child, even after you…Yes, you are a hypocrite of the worst kind, Señor de la Guerra, and I wish…I wish…No, don’t!” Alexa’s shaking voice suddenly became fierce, warning him to silence. “There is really no need for you to explain, or to say anything more. I think you proved whatever it was you meant to prove quite well, didn’t you? And I suppose I should be grateful to you for being so instructive in showing me the dangers of giving way to weakness. I shall certainly be much more careful and less trusting in future, I assure you! And now do you mind if we went back inside before my aunt begins to worry?”

9

Nicholas de la Guerra was a base, despicable libertine of the worst kind and had almost succeeded in spoiling for her the whole exciting occasion of her eighteenth birthday ball. Thank goodness he had decided to make himself scarce following the scathing setdown she had given him after he had dared to force himself on her, Alexa thought. She would dearly have loved to have said even more—to have told him in the most cutting tones exactly how much she disliked and despised him and how much the very memory of his insolent boldness in taking advantage of her embarrassment and fear of scandal disgusted her. But of course he was hardly worth thinking of, and since it was fortunately not likely that she would ever set eyes on him again she must really learn to put him firmly out of her mind like any other unpleasant or irksome thought that only served to disturb her. Some things were best left in the past where they belonged, and she should remember only that what was done could not be undone—although she had certainly learned a lesson that should serve her well in the future.

Her color high, Alexa tried to force herself into concentrating only on studying herself critically in the mirror. Her new riding habit, just made up for her, was a dark forest green. Not a color she particularly cared for, but Uncle John, who had helped her pick out the material and style, had told her emphatically that it was flattering to her and set off her hair to perfection. And after all, it was Uncle John who had paid for it, the darling. Turning around to view herself from every angle, Alexa thought that the tailor had done very well considering the short notice he’d been given. Of course he’d been paid double his normal charge, but that was still less than a tenth of what one would have had to pay one of the fashionable modistes in London or Paris.

Am I becoming as worldly and blasé as Aunt Harriet feared I might? Alexa wondered as she tried to perfect a bored expression before she started to smile irrepressibly at her own silliness. But she had promised her aunt that she would not let herself become too spoiled during her stay in Colombo with her indulgent Uncle John; and in fact she had even promised recklessly that she would at all times be unfailingly polite and respectful to the ferret-faced Mrs. Langford, who for her part couldn’t quite manage to disguise the fact that she disliked Alexa and would dearly love to find as many faults and flaws in her as she could to relate to her cronies. As if that promise wasn’t hard enough to keep, she had even had to give her word that she would try very hard to make friends with that silly ninny Charlotte Langford and would include the girl in as many excursions as possible; even when she was invited to go riding with Lord Charles. Hemmed about…! Alexa began to scowl at her reflection that scowled back. That was how she had begun to feel, surrounded by Langfords! And it was all the fault of that certain vile, inconsiderate wretch who had kept her out on the gallery with him for far too long a time, and against her wishes too. Otherwise she need never have been forced into making so many promises to Aunt Harriet, who would otherwise have continued to insist that since Alexa had proved how irresponsible she was and how easily she let herself forget everything she had been taught about decorum and what was proper and what wasn’t, they would both return home the very next day.

“But all we did was talk! About California and what life is like there!”

“Huh! I know very well that that was the excuse he offered—with that twist of his lips that’s supposed to pass for a smile and that irritatingly sardonic look on his face that seemed almost to challenge me to make an obvious fuss. But I’ll have you understand, miss, that I don’t accept excuses, as you should know very well. And even though I might have found this Señor de la Guerra quite an interesting conversationalist, you might recall that we conversed here, in public, and not alone with the night and the stars.” Harriet had snorted again before adding: “And you can spare me that look of injured innocence too, my girl, for I’ve known you too long for you to fool me. I was young and foolish myself once, believe it or not! The man’s far too old for you in any case, and far too…Well, never mind. I am sure you know exactly what I am driving at.”

Stubbornly, Alexa had managed to keep to her story, staring angrily down at her clenched hands while she wished she could let her temper explode along with the resentment and positive hatred she felt towards Nicholas de la Guerra, who was the cause of her aunt’s wrath. It really wasn’t fair or just that she should be the only one to shoulder all the blame, and to be punished by being marched upstairs to bed by her aunt after being allowed only two more dances (“only in order to squelch any gossip!” she had been reminded), just as if she had still been a child.

In the end it had been Sir John who had persuaded Harriet to relent. Alexa never learned just how he had managed to convince her aunt that she deserved another chance (just as if she had been a criminal, she fumed inwardly), but at least she had been allowed to stay behind in Colombo—after all sorts of solemn promises had been extracted from her first. Not fair, when it hadn’t been her fault at all; and in any case, why was it that her every action and her life should be controlled by a nebulous “they” who had made up all the rules that were supposed to govern what everybody could or could not do? And what made “them” qualified to decide what constituted “sin”? It wasn’t considered a sin if an angry planter beat one of his coolies to death for what he thought of as insolence; but to lie naked with a man or to allow him to kiss you or touch you in certain ways was the unforgivable sin! Hypocrisy. That was one of the things that he had spoken of, of course; but obviously it had been only in order to gain his own ends, Alexa thought darkly. Part of the insidious poison he had tried to feed her—as dangerous as the sudden rush of unwanted memory-pictures flashing through her mind.

Annoyed at the wayward direction her thoughts had begun to take, Alexa scowled at her reflection in the mirror and snatched up her hat, adjusting it at a jaunty angle on her head so that the feather that adorned it curled enticingly about the brim before it swooped down to almost brush her cheek. She could only hope, of course, that Lord Charles, who was doubtless used to moving in much more sophisticated circles than this, would not find her too unstylish; and if he did not it was again due to her dearest and most understanding Uncle John, who had, like a benevolent magician or fairy godfather, arranged for both the new riding habit and the hat as well.