Surrender To Love

“Oh, Alexa!” Alexa swung around angrily with her straight dark brows drawn together; but Charlotte Langford never seemed to realize that she was intruding when she burst unannounced into Alexa’s room without so much as a perfunctory knock. “He’s here! The Viscount Deering, I mean. And on such a magnificent horse, too! Don’t you think it so exciting that it is us he has chosen to honor with his attention? How envious every other female in Colombo will be, to be sure!”

“Oh? Do you think so?” Alexa managed to respond coolly enough as she turned back to the mirror to make sure her hat was pinned securely on her coiled up hair, stepping back to study the effect of her whole outfit taken together.

“Oh, but of course we will be envied and thought lucky. I suppose, living upcountry you could have no idea how people gossip in a city like Colombo. A Viscount—asking us to go riding with him in public, just as if we had a Rotten Row here in Colombo! And especially after all the marked attention we’ve been paid during the past few days—his calls…”

How was it that Charlotte always sounded so breathless while she rained spun-sugar inanities on her unfortunate victims? On the verge of gritting her teeth Alexa surprised herself by managing to say in quite a civilized voice, “And I suppose that since Lord Charles has been so kind and attentive it is the least we can do not to keep him waiting, don’t you think?”

From Charlotte’s giggles and pink cheeks it might seem as if it were really Charlotte Langford that Lord Charles had called upon almost daily and not Miss Howard. There had, as a matter of fact, not been a single minute when Alexa had been left alone with the Viscount, for Charlotte’s redoubtable mama had always made sure that Charlotte sat with them in the parlor or out on the verandah; ensuring that all their conversation remained stilted and formal. And it had been difficult indeed to carry on any kind of intelligent conversation at all when Miss Langford, who lacked both tact and sensitivity, might interrupt during any slight pause to comment on the continuing good weather or the bazaar her mama had recently organized to raise money for Christian orphans. There had been moments when Alexa’s unruly tongue and temper had almost burst out of control, and she found herself grinding her teeth together much more often than usual. But at least she had earned herself the right to enjoy this particular outing, which she’d looked forward to almost greedily for the past few days.

As she leaned down to pat the arched neck of her horse, Alexa realized how much she’d missed her daily rides on horseback. Her favorite out of all the horses in Sir John’s stable, the high-spirited chestnut mare she rode had been foaled at his horse farm in the hill country, where Alexa had already ridden her several times before. Although, she could not help thinking almost painfully now, it had been so different there! Cold, dew-pearled mornings with the smell of woodsmoke in the air and the excited yelping of hounds waiting to be let out for their morning run. She could ride comfortably astride, and without a hat; her carelessly finger-combed mane of hair tied back with a ribbon and the weight of a pistol at her side to remind her of the dangers she might encounter at any time. A poisonous snake, an enraged wild boar…

But not here, in Colombo, on such a very decorous outing as this one had turned out to be, Alexa thought with mounting indignation as she listened to Charlotte Langford’s high-pitched voice chatter on and on between giggles and pronounced sighs and could not help wishing that she had brought a pistol with her after all. Not only had Charlotte been inflicted upon her but two other men of Mrs. Langford’s choosing as well—a middle-aged and terribly boring major who was a friend of Colonel Langford’s and Mr. Sutherland, the pompous young man who had bored her with his solemn relation of all the duties of an aide to the Governor and the importance of such a position. The two native grooms trailing behind their party made them seem an entourage, and it had not been meant to be like this! Lord Charles had asked her to ride with him, without making mention of anyone else, and his surprise had showed in his eyes for an instant or two before he had masked it with his usual polite manners.

Manners! Alexa thought rebelliously as she toyed with the wicked idea of pretending her mount was running away with her, just in order to enjoy a real gallop instead of being forced to conform to a sedate trot for Charlotte Langford’s sake. Why is it considered good manners to be sickly sweet to a person you really despise and dislike? Why are people never supposed to be completely honest and truthful with each other? Stripping away dishonesty and lies like so many unnecessary layers of clothing and being able to face together the naked reality of truth? I shall never understand—and least of all why I must let myself conform and pretend and be all those things that I despise the most. It was not fair that now, too suddenly, she was expected to make her real self disappear behind a decorous social mask. To act instead of reacting. Not fair!

It was perhaps fortunate, considering the angrily mutinous trend of Alexa’s thoughts, that Lord Charles’s voice broke in just then.

“I say, Miss Howard, I’ve just hit on a capital idea, you know. That is, if you don’t mind…” Viscount Deering’s rather diffident voice was belied by the almost conspiratorial smile he wore, as Alexa discovered when she glanced at him in an almost startled fashion. She had almost forgotten, in her preoccupation with her resentful thoughts, that he had quite cleverly contrived to be the one to ride beside her when the riding path had become narrower. Until now, barraged by the bright flow of small talk kept up by the others in their party, both Alexa and Lord Charles had remained comparatively silent; and she had almost begun to imagine that he had begun to think of her as being far too provincial and naive to be worth his time and attention. Now, however, his next words belied that fear as he continued with a twinkle in his expressive brown eyes: “D’you think perhaps that this might be a suitable opportunity to practice our French and Italian on each other? I seem to remember your mentioning that you did not have many opportunities to converse in those languages in order to keep fluent, and since I too have the same problem I thought…Do you mind?”

Charlotte had admitted only two days ago, with a sniff, that her mama had assured her that English was spoken everywhere in Europe by the better class of people and that it was quite unnecessary to try to learn some foreign language that might well contain certain words and phrases that were not considered polite in English. So much for Charlotte! And it was even more unlikely that Major Doyle or Mr. Sutherland knew either French or Italian. Lord Charles was being cleverly inventive, and an appreciative sparkle lit up Alexa’s eyes, relieving some of the tension that had shown in her face as she had contemplated the hypocrisy of “good manners.”

“Mind? No! I should enjoy trying out my French and Italian very much indeed, if you will only promise to correct all of my mistakes.”

What a difference it made when she smiled and let that charming dimple show, Lord Charles reflected in a rather fatuous fashion. She was really quite adorable, with a touch of naiveté he found quite unusual and intriguing. If only he could have had enough time to spend with her, and without the constant and vigilant chaperones she was always surrounded by…! He had done nothing but dream of her for the past few nights, and had imagined, when he was not asleep and dreaming, everything he would like to share with her and do with her. Teach her everything. Arouse her virginal senses and take her, step by step, to the knowledge of passion and sensuality. Dammit, she seemed to offer both a promise and a challenge that were almost worth staying for, if only his dark-visaged “cousin” Nicholas would not continue to be so obdurate about leaving in two days from now and did not insist on reminding him that his parents expected him back in England before Christmas. Two days, and he had begun to want her quite badly. Not that Nicholas, being the cynic that he was about women, would give a damn about that, of course! He respected nothing at all—not even the purity of true innocence—and talked contemptuously of normal human emotions and feelings as if they were merely weaknesses that should be controlled and pushed out of existence. Well, the devil take Nicholas and the coldly detached calculation he preached. He, for his part, preferred to enjoy the hedonism of giving way to feeling and impulse!

Yes, why not act on impulse after all? Especially since it was obvious by now that he had not much to lose except perhaps a few hours spent too well chaperoned in her company. Manfully, Lord Charles plunged into speech, hoping he would not have to regret his impulsiveness later, although, of course there were always ways out, weren’t there? He had decided on French to begin with and then switched quickly into Italian when he remembered uneasily that French had become almost too fashionable these days.

“I hope my little ruse did not anger you too much? But if you could only know how much I have wanted to engage in a real conversation with you and to spend much more time in your company without… That is…All that I meant, of course, was that, well, I had very much looked forward to getting to know and understand you much better before…Believe me, I am not usually as tongue-tied as some adolescent schoolboy, Signorina Howard! And—with your permission of course—not quite as boldly precipitous. Please. If I were to beg your indulgence and your forgiveness, could you possibly grant me such a favor?”

And what could Lord Charles possibly be leading up to with such difficulty, for heaven’s sake? With a show of insouciance Alexa answered brightly that of course he had her permission to be quite frank with her, because she infinitely preferred honesty and directness to the polite insincerity that most people practiced. She could only wonder why he felt he had to ask her forgiveness first, as she questioned, “Is whatever it is you want to tell me so terribly bad?”

“For me at least it is. And especially since I have met you. To learn that we are to leave for England within two days, when I have not even had the opportunity to speak with you and meet with you as often as I would have wished…I am afraid that I’m not the kind of cynic my cousin the Spaniard would have me become, and that I cannot help the way I have begun to feel towards you. I admire you and respect you and I wish…Ah, at least perhaps you will believe me when I say I am sincere in my feelings, bella, cara signorina! and that I would give anything to be granted just a few precious moments of private conversation with you so that I could speak to you more freely and with less constraint. To know that you would trust me enough to feel safe and at ease in my company if you should ever…I hope I have not made you angry with me?”

It was perhaps unfortunate that Charlotte, who must have been listening to their exchange with a growing sense of frustration, should have chosen that particular moment to chime in archly from behind, protesting that they really weren’t being fair at all in excluding the rest of the party from sharing secrets. And then, with one of her high-pitched giggles that always set Alexa’s teeth on edge, Charlotte had to add coyly: “Of course Mama has always said that one should try to remember a few commonly used French words that have been absorbed into the English language; but…” with another rather embarrassed sounding giggle this time, “I understand that…Well, at least Mama has always given me to understand that certain reading matter that would never find its way into decent English…Mr. Sutherland has just been telling me that he agrees with Mama that certain books that are published abroad in other languages might be far too easily available, under the guise of literature, of all things, and could corrupt Innocent and Unspoiled Minds. Not that I meant…”

“Oh, but I’m sure I can quite understand Mrs. Langford’s natural anxiety, and she’s right, of course.” Even if she gnashed her teeth mentally, Alexa’s tone was dulcet. “After all, I’m sure that a mother is always the best judge of her own daughter’s susceptibility to certain reading matter! And you mustn’t worry, Charlotte dear, that I will ever tell Mrs. Langford that you have actually discussed such topics with a gentleman. In fact, I shall continue practicing Italian grammar and diction with Lord Charles and pretend that no discussion of improper literature ever took place!”

Charlotte’s only half-smothered gasp and the rather choked sound that Lord Charles quickly turned into a cough came at about the same time, Alexa remembered later. At least he had a sense of humor, she thought, and he was, at the same time, a gentleman. So very much the complete opposite, thank goodness, of his uncouth cousin from California, that panther-eyed adventurer who possessed neither manners nor morals nor scruples either and certainly did not deserve to be received by polite society. Lord Charles, on the other hand, was entertaining, polite and obviously sincere; and what, after all, could be so very wrong with meeting and conversing with him alone for a few minutes? He, at least, was not the kind of bold rogue who might, without warning, force her into an unwanted embrace that was as much a punishment as it was an insult, his hands taking casual liberties with her, just as if she had been some coolie woman who was supposed to feel flattered by his disgusting advances!

In any case, I trust Lord Charles, and it does rather sound like a daring adventure as well as a challenge, Alexa thought defiantly afterwards when she recalled her rash promise to meet him on the private strip of sandy beach at the bottom of Sir John’s garden. He was going away, and he wanted to talk with her—had given her his solemn word that she would be perfectly safe in his company. As of course she would be, for he was far too honorable to try and take advantage of her trust in him. And what fun it had been to progress from arguments to arrangements right under the stolid noses of the others; particularly Charlotte’s, which had been pink with indignation during the rest of their ride. She didn’t really care a jot what Charlotte or Mrs. Langford thought or speculated about either, Alexa decided firmly. She would pretend to have developed a headache and retire early tonight, and then…Lord Charles had said that he had something very important to ask her. Was he thinking of proposing to her? And suppose he actually did, how should she answer him? It was all very exciting, and helped to push other, less pleasant thoughts from her mind.

10

That night, at dinner, Mrs. Langford seized on some flimsy excuse to hold forth at great length on the subject of the correct and proper training of pure, and yet far too impressionable, young minds. She had a rather high-pitched voice that grated on Alexa’s nerves, and a consciously affected turn of phrase as well; being overly fond of throwing in quotations at random from either the Bible or one of her favorite sermons to illustrate her every point, or pointed comment.

“…The unrestricted reading for books, for instance, and especially novels…!” Here the lady’s rather thin lips had puckered, as if she had just tasted something unbearably sour, before she continued in rather heavier tones that were meant to convey the extent of her disapprobation: “And especially the kind written by foreigners, in their languages…ah, how important some gentle but firm guidance in the right direction is, in order to prevent the corruption of a young mind that, as our dear and learned Dr. Jennings has often said, resembles a clean slate waiting to be written upon and is open, in its innocence, to every influence. Parental supervision—constant advice and guidance—how important they are, and most especially in the case of a young female, delicately nurtured and of a tender susceptibility! ‘As the twig is bent…’ I know I need not complete the phrase, for my Charlotte has heard her father quote it many times. Colonel Langford also believes very strongly in the importance of disciplining as well as instructing the young, immature mind; along with, of course, the social graces such as manners and proper deportment and behavior—so essential for a young woman who dreams of being the perfect wife and mother when the time arrives for her to be passed from the benevolent guidance of her loving parents into the keeping of—her Husband!”

If she continues in this vein for much longer…If I have to listen to that voice and those smug platitudes and watch how Charlotte preens herself without realizing or even caring that she has been brought up and trained like a show pony or a brood mare; only in order to be passed from the hands of one owner to another…! I wonder what she would do if I suddenly gave way to a violent fit of hysterics? A headache? But then Uncle John would start to worry and concern himself needlessly, and she would probably think…

Alexa forced herself to look down at her plate while she pretended to occupy herself with cutting into her slice of boiled mutton surrounded by carrots and potatoes. But in spite of all her efforts her mind seethed rebelliously. Slavery! That was what it amounted to. Passed, like a possession, from one man to another; and yet most young women thought like Charlotte, who would consider herself honored if some pompous jackass should consider to ask her father for her hand in marriage. And after that, instead of “Yes, Papa!” and “Of course, Papa!” it would be “Oh yes, Mr. So-and-so!” or “But of course, Mr. So-and-so, you always know what is best for me.” How could any human being with a mind capable of reasoning submit will as well as person so unquestioningly and so passively?

Thankfully, Mrs. Langford had interrupted herself in order to enjoy her third course, and the sudden quiet that seemed to descend encouraged Alexa to change the angry trend of her thoughts. In that direction lay frustration, she reminded herself wisely. And she had more immediate problems to deal with tonight. Planning—or should she be prepared to improvise instead? It was certain that she would have to wait until the servants had been dismissed to their quarters for the night and most of the house lights extinguished before attempting to slip away. And what should she wear? Something cool and light and not too encumbering nor too showy either. A gown she could feel comfortable in without appearing too dowdy or shabby. Her green cotton with the lace inserts, perhaps? It was at least two years old, of course, and the style had been copied from a fashion journal of the early ’thirties but at least it did flatter her figure as well as show off her shoulders and ankles to advantage. And being a man, Lord Charles probably would not notice in any case. Yes, the green dress would be exactly the thing—not that it really mattered of course, because she had no intention of staying out beyond half an hour at the very most, even if he did propose!

During the rest of the meal, Sir John, who had noticed and understood the dangerous gleam in Alexa’s slate-dark eyes, made sure that their conversation was steered into safer channels, leaving Mrs. Langford and Charlotte no choice but to follow his lead. Alexa’s mood lightened noticeably and her whole manner became quite animated when the discussion turned to horses and a lively argument ensued regarding the merits and shortcomings of crossbreeding.

The entrance of Sir John’s dignified-looking butler, carrying a silver tray bearing decanters of port and brandy and a beautifully carved rosewood box containing a variety of the very finest cigars, filled Mrs. Langford, for one, with a feeling of profound relief. She had noticed that her poor Charlotte, like herself, had barely toyed with the last two courses, and had not even had a second helping of the chocolate soufflé. But now, at last, she could with all propriety give the signal for the ladies to retire—and high time too! There had been moments, she thought with an inward shudder of taste, when she knew that she could not prevent herself from blushing at what she could only dare describe, even to herself, as “stable talk.”

How she had longed to be able to cry out that Charlotte should instantly clap her hands over her ears when certain unpleasant subjects were being discussed far too freely! She could only hope and pray of course that dear Charlotte’s carefully nurtured innocence would protect her; and it was with considerable relief that she had noticed Charlotte’s rather puzzled expression when there were subjects mentioned and blunt terms used that no well-brought-up young lady should have any knowledge of. And that any young woman of good background should actually sit and discuss with such ease and familiarity such unsuitable topics not only reflected badly on her unfortunate parents but was enough to make any other person forced to listen and observe such behavior positively recoil! The blame did not lie with Sir John Travers, who had been a bachelor all his life and was more used to male company, poor man. No, it was the responsibility of a female, if she was indeed a lady, to make haste to change the subject to a more tasteful one. It certainly did not speak well for the education of women if this was its result. Foreign languages, the reading of novels, far too much freedom of both action and thought—all insidious poisons that twisted and corrupted. No wonder poor Charlotte had been almost distraught when they had returned from their excursion on horseback; so torn, the dear soft-hearted creature, between loyalty to another of her own sex and the high moral standards she had been taught.

“I vow I do not mean to sound uncharitable, Mama, but I have to confess that I could not help longing for the time when we would turn back, in spite of the fact that Mr. Sutherland was so kind to me and showed himself to be so understanding of how I had to feel, and was made to feel. Mama, you know how hard I have tried to make a friend of Miss Howard and to guide her, as you told me I should. But today, why she was flirting quite boldly with Lord Charles, and monopolizing him! Even Mr. Sutherland admitted to me that he could not help being disappointed and rather surprised at her behavior. And then, to make things worse, they began speaking in…Oh, I don’t even know what it was. Some foreign language that sounded like gibberish that none of us could understand; and when I only tried to hint, tactfully, that it was rather rude, she actually snubbed me, Mama! And turned back to him, laughing! And you should have seen the looks they kept exchanging all the while. I have never been so embarrassed in all my life, and my head aches so badly from the strain of it all that I can hardly bear to lift it!”

At least she could be thankful that Charlotte, poor disillusioned child, had seen for herself the consequences of too much freedom, Mrs. Langford reflected grimly. But even if she put her natural maternal feelings aside, there still remained her Christian Duty towards the young and unfortunately misguided female who had, after all, been placed in her care. Yes, a few words of wisdom and of caution could not be amiss.

Following her mother’s example, Charlotte had already risen to her feet with alacrity, but Alexa, on the other hand, tried hard to pretend she hadn’t noticed. How on earth, and why, had such a silly custom become established? She didn’t in the least mind the aroma of a good cigar, and she would much rather have continued her interesting conversation with Uncle John instead of being forced to retire with the Langfords.

“Miss Howard? Will you not deign to join us?”

Alexa had begun to rise, slowly and unwillingly, when Mrs. Langford’s rather sarcastic reminder of her manners made her angry enough to sit down again and defy both custom and silly women. But in the end, after only an infinitesimal hesitation, her head went up defiantly while her eyes took on a pewter sheen that would have warned anyone who knew Alexa to caution. Even her face seemed to have changed in some subtle way, appearing suddenly older and harder, while her voice seemed to have crystalized into dry ice.

“I do beg your pardon for being a few seconds tardy in joining you, madame. Thank you for the tactful reminder.”