The Playful Parent: 7 ways to happier, calmer, more creative days with your under-fives

Imaginative/fantasy play

In these games a large cardboard box will become a car, a tea towel a superhero cape, or the sofa a volcano with the carpet as the lava, or you might be made cup after cup of ‘tea’, or a toy hammer and screwdriver will be tucked into the top of shorts, a hard hat popped onto a head and your kitchen will be measured-up and ‘mended’. This category of play begins as imitation of what the grown ups do in a kind of role-play, but later it can take on a more filmic, adventurous quality. It’s immersive and full of improvisation, and children are experts at this kind of play from as early as two years old.

Small world play

This is similar to the imaginative/fantasy play described above, but in small world play the child is the ‘puppet master’ – controlling the world and the action. Using play figures or toy cars, or even sticks and stones as characters, a child will act out their story or sequence of activities. Sets and scenes for the characters are useful (like dolls’ houses, garages, farm sets, etc, and can even be made by older children) but they are not essential – a child’s imagination is often enough.

Object play

This type of activity refers to the playful use of objects. These can be dolls, blocks, toy cars and puzzles as well as non-toys such as plastic bowls and empty cardboard tubes, wooden spoons and a silky scarf, or loose parts such as pine cones and giant buttons, as well as natural objects such as shells, leaves and pebbles or a few root vegetables. These objects are played with and explored, manipulated and lined up. Sometimes children over three years old will use objects imaginatively, as substitutes for something else – so a rectangular block might become a telephone, while a cardboard tube becomes a tunnel for a small car.

Books and stories

This is a well-loved form of play for babies, toddlers and young children who adore being told stories from books or in a grown up’s own words, and this magical, special category of play is very important in developing listening, language and pre-literacy skills. Young children in particular find picture books irresistible, and they can very quickly learn the techniques of page turning and ‘reading’ the story (often out loud) to themselves.

Creative play

This is when children respond creatively, using a wide range of media, to different stimuli in order to make something: mark-making, music-making, art-making, sculpting, construction and model-making. Activities involve painting, sticking, cutting, tearing, rolling, printing, scraping, colouring, spraying, flicking, squeezing and moulding. Dancing and dramatic play are also examples of creative play.

Sensory play

This is a very important category of play for babies and toddlers as they do most of their learning about the world around them via their sense of touch and taste (that’s why they go through that phase of ‘mouthing’ everything). Sensory play is about using all of the senses, so listening to music, and tapping and hitting things to create sound is included in this category. Sensory play is also playing with play dough, water, paper, plastic balls, leaves, mud, corrugated cardboard, wooden shapes, fabrics and shaving foam. It’s looking into mirrors, through coloured cellophane, at pictures, faces, the sky and watching the washing machine spin. Many examples of sensory play are multi-sensory.

Outdoor play

Considered by many to benefit the health and development of little ones more than any other form of play, outdoor play is not all about rough and tumble, running wild and getting up close to nature, although developing gross motor skills and experiencing flora and fauna first-hand is an important part of it. Most categories of play can be transferred to an outside arena and are more fulfilling and memorable for it.

How do they play?

How little ones play, and with whom, will change as their social and emotional skills develop. Babies and toddlers will mainly play alone, but sometimes they will do so in parallel with other children – they will play near to one another in a similar way but do not engage in play together. When they’re a little older children enjoy social play – making up all kinds of collaborative games with other children. Babies, toddlers and preschoolers will enjoy playing with us grown ups too, of course; from the earliest games of Peekaboo, to sharing a ‘cup of tea’, to having a kick-about in the garden as they really find their feet and get moving. Young children love it if they can get an adult to join in the fun.

Why should we let the children play?

The crucial beginnings of the brain’s building process occur between 0 and 3 years of age when there is a rapid production of connections between brain cells (synapses). By the time a child is three years old around 80 per cent of this development has already taken place; 90 per cent by the time they are five. Since play offers huge amounts of brain stimulation, it makes sense that it has a massive impact on the emerging cognitive, motor and social skills of young children. It’s through a kind of prism of play that children, using their natural creativity and amazing imaginations, make important cerebral connections and basically learn everything; developing personal, social and emotional skills, communication, language and emerging literacy, problem-solving, reasoning and emerging numeracy, knowledge and understanding of the world and all their physical skills – a whole spectrum of thinking and knowing and learning. And to think they’re just playing!

Ready steady play

Before we begin . . .

It’s at about the time when a baby reaches toddlerhood that our homes might begin to fill up with numerous flashing, noisy, plastic, branded gadgets and toys. This is far from necessary, and actually can be a bit of a barrier to accessing the 7 Ways to Play. Rather than buying toys that do more and more of the thinking for them, now’s the time to seek out those toys that really stimulate your children’s brilliant imaginations and which will promote open-ended play. If this means having a toy audit and giving away, or at least putting into storage, a lot of their stuff – now’s the time to do it. Honestly, those flashy plastic things won’t be missed a jot. The 7 Ways to Play method will result in you actually needing fewer, not more, toys for your toddler and preschooler, which they will play with more and for longer periods of time.

Preparing for play

The 7 Ways to Play method supports the idea that toys are just one of the many things children need when playing. You will find that they will use more art supplies and general household stuff in their play. Non-toys – or real objects – are often fantastic playthings and, as long as they’re clean, are not sharp or pinch hazards, or left out all the time, they can make for really interesting and useful tools and toys in play.

Here are a few things to look out for, and make room for, after all those bleepy, flashy plastic things have been adios-ed. It’s all about experiences rather than specific equipment, though, so do adapt this list; make use of what you have – make it work for you, and your family, in your home.

Toys that promote open-ended play – things that don’t do all the thinking for them; like Lego and other construction toys, imaginative-play toys and books.

Practical-life equipment – such as an extra washing-up bowl, cloth and sponge, a dust-cloth, clothes pegs.

A child-sized soft-bristled broom and dustpan and brush.

A sand-timer.

Some child-friendly kitchen equipment: jug, grater (we invested in a kid-friendly grater, as seen on the CBeebies cooking show I Can Cook), juicer, pestle and mortar, wooden spoons, measuring spoons, bowls and children’s scissors. (Really small children will need supervision with some of these sharper items.)

Some child-sized basic gardening equipment: a small watering can, trowel or spade or fork, and an outside broom.

Lots of clean, interesting, plastic, polystyrene and cardboard packaging that is otherwise destined for the recycling box.

Clean and empty plastic food containers, tote bags and baskets.

An acrylic (safety) mirror tile or two.

A set of beanbags.

Balloons.

Play-silks and other large pieces of fabric, including a blanket or two.

Natural objects – such as shells, driftwood, pebbles and leaves, sticks, dried grasses and seeds.

Some child-friendly tools of investigation – tape-measure, plastic magnifying glasses, torches, plastic tweezers.

Basic art and craft supplies, the smaller and messier of which should be stored out of reach of little ones, and used only under supervision: good-quality poster paints, watercolours, PVA glue, sticky tapes – double sided, masking (painters’), colourful tape – children’s scissors, paintbrushes, paper – on a roll, A4, coloured and watercolour paper – thin card, paper plates, paper bags, stickers, pipe-cleaners, beads, buttons, feathers, sequins, googly eyes, glitter, Blu-tack, crayons, washable felt-tip pens, chalks and craft foam sheets.

A scrap-paper collection: save sweet and chocolate wrappers, used wrapping paper, old greetings cards, ribbons, greaseproof paper, foil and magazines with lots of colourful child-appropriate images for cutting out.

A selection of brushes – of various sizes, soft and hard, for all kinds of play.

Loose parts: cotton reels, pine cones, tubes, big buttons, mini pom-poms, corks, small blocks, pieces of fabric.

A collection of child-friendly musical instruments.

A good-quality set of face-paints.

A ball of string.

Make way for play

The 7 Ways to Play method supports the idea that your child’s play shouldn’t be restricted to just their bedroom, an area in the living room or a playroom. However, this doesn’t mean that there’ll be mountains of toys in every room, nor does it mean you have to convert your home into some kind of soft-play gym. Rather, it’s about making way for play in your home by adapting the spaces you already have to accommodate play; play that’s appropriate to that particular space. This adaptation of your home doesn’t have to be permanent and it needn’t be expensive. As IKEA interior designer Raphael Bartke says, ‘Children aren’t small forever . . . and your home will soon transform again.’ And, of course, you don’t need to reorganise your whole home at once – take it one way to play at a time and adapt as you play.

Ideas to get play started

Here’s how you might make way for play in your home. Try just one or two ideas initially; you’ll be amazed at the changes in how your little one interacts with the spaces in your home.

Buy sink steps or step-stools for each sink in your home.

Source a low bench or kids’ table for your kitchen (or fix a fold-down table at your child’s height if you’re short of space).

Put placemats, plastic plates, bowls, cups and cutlery somewhere low and within easy reach of your little one.

Fix hooks for coats at child height, and place some accessible storage for shoes near your front door.

Sort out your storage: a lot of art and craft supplies, toys and playthings can be stored out of sight and reach of your little one. Buy some cheap storage boxes, and buy twice the amount you think you’ll need. Label them if they’re not transparent – you will want to be able to access their contents quickly and easily. Display those that you do want left out on low shelves and in lots of small baskets and tubs.

Make some, carefully considered, toys and playthings accessible in small storage stations all over your home – the bathroom, the hall, the master bedroom, the kitchen and garden – as well as in the living room and your child’s bedroom.

Find a space for construction play.

Find a space for physical play, like target practice, inside.

Look out for spaces for temporary dens and book-nooks.

Have small baskets or boxes of picture books all over your home – don’t just store them on one bookshelf.

Create a dress-up area with a mirror.

Make a creative/making station.

Find a space for a listening station – with an easy to use CD player, cushions and a few audio books.

Provide at least one designated doodle area.

Make any outside space as safe and as interesting a place to play as inside – think accessible storage stations with kid-friendly tools and toys, a low work-bench, places for temporary dens – not just as a place for running around and other physical activity.

Find space outside for those messy or wet-play activities – and, if possible, somewhere for digging.

You can prepare for play when you’re out and about too. This doesn’t mean you need to take a suitcase full of toys with you wherever you go, rather, it’s about taking along a basic kit to encourage play. What you pack will depend on your outing, of course, but whether it’s a small toy or two, a roll of Sellotape, some paper and crayons, a torch, a take-a-look book, or a little bucket for collecting things, you can initiate some wonderful play by handing over something other than your smartphone when you’re out and about to get your child thinking, learning and playing in the real world and engaging appropriately with their environment.

So, now we’re ready, we’re set. Let’s play!

Chores: not Bores

Chore noun. A small piece of domestic work (freq. in pl.); an odd job; a recurrent, routine or tedious task.

Whether we love or loathe chores, it’s impossible to deny the fact that they are an ever-present aspect of domestic life. Anywhere along the sliding scale between house-proud neat freak and firmly in the chores-are-for-bores camp, our own relationship with, and attitude towards, chores becomes crystallised some time between the age of three and thirty-three. Once established, it’s pretty hard to alter, until, that is, we have children. Most parents would agree that as soon as a baby arrives on the scene, chores not only multiply but they also swell and mutate, unearthing a brand-new set of domestic tasks just when our time to carry out such jobs has been totally eradicated by the newly arrived bundle of joy.

‘Suddenly you have to do the washing up or the laundry, or whatever, as soon as you get a spare minute. There’s no choice. There’s no “I can’t be bothered”. There’s no later. And if you don’t do the basics when you can it can all quickly unravel – from a stinky, overflowing nappy bin and no clean bottles, to no clean mugs for that much-needed tea. It was a learning curve and a half.’

Dad of two, remembering the early days

During the baby years we, as loving, responsible parents, accept and maybe even relish the realisation that we must carry out chores for, and because of, our children; there is usually a tacit acceptance of our fate. But at some point, perhaps as our children turn from tots to preschoolers, or from preschoolers to school-age children, or even from school-age children to teenagers (it hits every parent at a different time), there comes a day, or a moment in a day, when we suddenly feel like the maid. This is neither a positive nor pleasant feeling to experience and it can soon lead to feelings of resentment towards those chores caused directly by children, which, let’s face it, feels like all of them, doesn’t it?

However, it seems that in the UK and the US, parents are more reluctant than their predecessors to ask children to carry out household tasks. Recent studies have shown that children are increasingly not expected to contribute in any real way to the domestic chores of everyday family life, and older children often receive bribes or payment for completing their chores. At what age and exactly how children might become involved in domestic chores is, of course, a parental prerogative, but according to this poll many parents believe that they should involve their children in chores, even if they don’t.

Apart from avoiding that feeling-like-the-maid moment, there are many other good reasons for introducing age-appropriate chores to children at some point in their childhood. For example, by carrying out chores children can:

learn to be confident and responsible

feel an important part of the family

learn to care for themselves

learn to care for others

increase their self-esteem (for a job well done)

develop specific skills like hand–eye coordination and problem-solving

It seems children are perhaps even predisposed to wanting to help with chores; they certainly develop a natural inclination to be kind, even selfless, at a younger age than we might suppose. German psychology researcher Felix Warneken, PhD, showed that at 18 months old toddlers are capable of exhibiting altruistic behaviour. In one experiment, Dr Warneken had an adult, laden with books to put away, pretend to be unable to open the doors to a cupboard. More often than not – without being asked or offered a reward – the toddlers helped.

But here’s the rub: how do you get children to continue to develop those altruistic flashes of behaviour and carry out chores happily as they grow into preschoolers and beyond? How do we avoid the nagging (ours) and the rolling eyes (theirs)?

Certainly our own personal relationship with chores has a bearing on how we present them to our children; if we consider them to be boring and tedious, it’s hard not to transfer this message. I’ll never forget coming in from school – I must have been about twelve years of age – to my little sister, then three years old, playing with her toy iron and board next to my mother who was doing the real thing – the family’s ironing. My sister caught my eye as she wielded her toy iron menacingly and muttered, frowning, ‘Bloody ironing.’ Fortunately, my mum saw the funny side!

However, the same point is relevant to personal chores too. As Steve Biddulph points out in his recent book, Raising Girls, our children definitely take in and will eventually make our attitudes their own – whether we sing while we shower or enjoy putting on our clothes, or whether we frown, stress, grump and hurry our way through life.

Many parents find that older children can be encouraged to complete chores through rewards, praise and recognising the feeling of satisfaction of knowing they’ve completed a task well. My husband, to this day, will be first to offer to put clean covers on the duvets. He puts this enthusiasm down to the fact that when he was about ten years old his mum told him how good and quick he was at it; we are still reaping the rewards of this great, and possibly honest, note of encouragement.

Younger children have different motivational drives though. If we can tap into their intrinsic desire to be kind, busy, productive and playful we really can make chores more than bearable, and actually – wait for it – fun. This is how chores have become my first way to play for toddlers and preschoolers.