The Lost Diary of Queen Victoria’s Undermaid

COPYRIGHT

HarperCollins Children's Books

A division of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in Great Britain by Collins in 1998

Text copyright © Alexandra Parsons 1998

Illustrations copyright © George Hollingworth 1998

Alex Parsons asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of the work.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication.

Source ISBN: 9780006945819

Ebook Edition © JUNE 2016 ISBN: 9780008191443

Version: 2016-05-18

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CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Message to Readers

January 1st, 1837: Snobby Manor, Snootyshire

Spring 1837: Buckingham Palace

Summer 1837: Buckingham Palace

28th June, 1838: Buckingham Palace

Winter 1838: Buckingham Palace

January 1839: Buckingham Palace

March 1839: Buckingham Palace

Spring 1839: Buckingham Palace

Autumn 1839: Buckingham Palace

January 1840: Buckingham Palace

February 10th, 1840: Buckingham Palace

10 June, 1840: Buckingham Palace

November 1840

December 1840

July 1841: Buckingham Palace

August 1841: Windsor Castle

January 1842: Buckingham Palace

December 1842: Windsor Castle

January 1843: Buckingham Palace

May 1843

Summer 1845

Autumn 1845

Winter 1845

Summer 1846: Osborne House

Autumn 1846: Buckingham Palace

June 1847: Osborne House

31st July, 1847

Spring 1848: Buckingham Palace

Autumn 1848: Balmoral

Autumn 1849: Balmoral

Spring 1854: Buckingham Palace

Autumn 1851

Spring 1852

February 1853

Spring 1853

28th March, 1854

Summer 1855

Autumn 1856

Autumn 1851

Spring 1855

Spring 1857

25 June, 1857

February 1858

Summer 1858

Spring 1861

December 1861

February 1862

Autumn 1862

Spring 1863

Spring 1864

Spring 1865

Summer 1865: Osborne House

Winter 1865: Buckingham Palace

1868

Winter 1869

Summer 1870

Spring 1872

Spring 1876

Summer 1876: Balmoral

Autumn 1877

Summer 1879: Balmoral

1879

1883

1884

1887

Spring 1888

Winter 1888

1889: Hampton Court

1897

January 22nd, 1901

Historical Note

Keep Reading

About the Publisher

MESSAGE TO READERS

The diaries of Mrs Flora Porter, née Flossie Ramsbotham, were found beneath the floorboards at Hampton Court Palace, during recent building works. The little notebooks were tied with pink ribbon and wrapped in a pair of red tartan knickerbockers. Whilst the knickerbockers were graciously received on behalf of the nation by the Victoria and Albert Museum, the diaries themselves met with nothing but scorn. The eminent historian, Professor Dullas Ditchwater (author of dozens of long and extremely dusty volumes about Queen Victoria) dismissed Flora’s diaries as ‘worthless gossip’ and ‘scandalous tittle-tattle’.

When Professor Ditchwater lobbed Flora’s diaries out of his window, they fell into the hands of Alex Parsons, a not-so-eminent or expert historian. She immediately realised that important issues were revealed in the diaries, namely that even Kings and Queens wear underpants, and someone has to wash them. Now, thanks to Ms Parsons’ timely catch, you too can view Queen Victoria’s life and times from the unique perspective of the wash tub.

THIS DIARY BELONGS TO:

January 1st, 1837

Snobby Manor, Snootyshire.

‘Do not forget, gentle reader; servants are also human beings,’ it says in this book of Household Management I dug out of Lady Snobby’s library. Oh yeah! That’ll come as news to Lady La-di-dah Bossy Boots. Since when do I have time to be a human being, I’d like to know? Sixteen hours a day up to my elbows in soap suds, and life not made easier with the wretched butler trying to kiss me. (I wouldn’t mind so much but he’s got a wart on the end of his nose with three wiry hairs sticking out of it, yeeuch!) Miserable wages, miserable household, and the Snobbies are unbearable. Flossie Ramsbotham, you were born for better things.

Since this is the day to make New Year’s resolutions here are mine:

That should do it, I reckon.

Spring 1837

Buckingham Palace

Made it! What can one say about my new boss, our esteemed monarch, William one-vee? Well, to put it kindly, our dear King looks about a hundred years old and his eyes stick out like a frog’s. He has zillions of children by an actress called Mrs Jordan and none at all by his wife, the rather dotty Queen Adelaide. Setting an example to the lower orders indeed!

The heir to the throne of England is his niece, Princess Victoria, who lives with her pushy mama in Kensington Palace. Princess Victoria is exactly the same age as me and she keeps a diary. I think this is an omen.

Meanwhile down at the palace laundry I get to wash the king’s drawers. They are not a pretty sight. He has three hundred pairs of fine linen underpants with holes in the front so he doesn’t have to take all his clothes off when he goes for a piddle. The Queen has the same number of roomy drawers, trimmed with pintucks and lace.

As everybody knows, ladies’ drawers are not stitched together, otherwise we’d have to rummage about in an unseemly way under layers of petticoats every time nature called.

The head laundry maid told me that pants were named after a Christian martyr called Saint Pantalone. I have to take an interest in these things or I’d go mad.

Summer 1837

Buckingham Palace

It’s been all go here. King William died on the 20th June, and now we have a new monarch. A mere slip of a girl (that’s a polite way of saying she’s short). She’s the same age as me but she’s ruling the country and I’m washing the sheets. There is no justice.

All the talk in the servants’ hall is who the young Queen will marry. To my mind she seems a little over-friendly with Lord Melbourne, her Prime Minister, in spite of the fact he’s as old as the hills. According to the underfootman, he’s had a lot to put up with in his life. His wife, Lady Caroline Lamb, was completely unhinged and got up to all kinds of wild things with a very naughty poet called Lord Byron. The under-footman was trying to demonstrate some of the wilder things to me, when the housekeeper came in. She was not convinced that we were only playing at being Lord Byron and Lady Lamb, thus demonstrating our loyalty to Lord Melbourne.

I have been told to watch my step. The underfootman is called Brian and he is very handsome.

28th June, 1838

Buckingham Palace

What a day! The gun salutes started at 4am and no one’s had a wink of sleep since. Today the Queen was crowned in Westminster Abbey. It has been a wonderful day, the whole of the country has taken the young Queen to their hearts. Not surprising, considering what our last three kings were like. Sir Somebody Something described them as ‘an imbecile, a profligate and a buffoon’. I’ve asked around and apparently that means a madman, a ladies’ man, and a fool. Why don’t people say what they mean?

Apparently the Coronation didn’t go quite as smoothly as planned, and that’s probably because nobody planned it. Nobody understood the long, boring service and no-one noticed when the Archbishop turned over two pages at once.

All the Lords of the Realm had to go up to the Queen and kiss her hand. Lord Rolle, who is eighty-two and very frail, tottered up the altar steps, overbalanced with the weight of his robes, and fell over backwards. It’s a day he’ll not forget in a hurry!

A couple of the Lords started in on the champagne and cucumber sandwiches before the ceremony was over and were seen staggering about with their coronets over their noses and their stockings wrinkled round their ankles. One day, someone’s going to invent stockings that stay up, just you wait and see.

After the Coronation celebrations were over, the new Queen rushed up the stairs to her room in the Palace to give her little spaniel, Dash, a bath. There’s no telling how excitement takes people, is there? I think, if I’d just been crowned Queen, I’d be bathing in milk, swigging down the champers and inviting all my friends over to party, party, party.

Winter 1838

Buckingham Palace

After all the excitement, life goes on. I don’t get to see much of Queen Vic, actually. She doesn’t visit the laundry and I’m not exactly invited to tea in the Grand Saloon. Most of what I know I get from QV’s Maids of the Bedchamber when they bring me the hampers of dirty linen to scrub. It’s the gossip – and Brian the underfootman – that keeps me going. Take this week for instance. QV is not having a good time.

She’s got a problem with her mother, the Duchess, who is plotting behind her daughter’s back to be the power behind the throne, along with her ‘financial adviser’ (ho ho) Sir John Conroy. QV has started a rumour that Sir John is having an affair with one of the Ladies in Waiting. So you can imagine the atmosphere at the dinner table.

She’s got a problem with her relations, who all turn out to be kings of Holland and Belgium and other such places, and all want favours from her while they fight with each other.

She’s got a problem with her weight. She’s getting distinctly plump and being so short, it shows. Her drawers are a size larger than they used to be. I should know. Lord M is trying to get her to take some exercise, but she says she won’t and queens don’t do what they don’t want to do. She may live to regret this.

She’s got an even bigger problem with Lord Melbourne. The thing is she’s so dependent on him. She thinks everybody at the Palace (apart from Lord M and her beloved Baroness Lehzen – her old governess) are deaf, stupid and vulgar bores. She may be right of course, but what’s going to happen to her when Lord M’s party gets voted out of office? I think she can see it coming and it’s making her sulky and lazy. Apparently she’s even given up brushing her teeth.

January 1839

Buckingham Palace

What strange ideas some people have. The Queen’s doctor is mad about fresh air, but just opening the windows doesn’t seem to be enough for him, oh no! Dr. Clark wants to build a machine to pump air into Buckingham Palace because he thinks the corridors are clogged up with moisture from the trees in the back garden. He may be right – it is very stuffy here, especially in the laundry.

March 1839

Buckingham Palace

Well, finally there’s a bit of life around the place. Some of QV’s cousins have come on a visit, and for the first time in ages QV has got people of her own age to be with. I think she’s rather taken with Prince Albert of Saxe Coburg, who is actually quite handsome (but not as handsome as Brian).

A Post Script to the Great Buckingham Palace Ventilation Debate. A friend of Dr Clark’s was due to come up with a new health and hygiene plan for the Palace, until someone read his latest book and realised that Dr Arnott was off with the fairies. Apparently he believes we could all live to be 300 years old if we breathed enough fresh air. I’d like to give it a try!

Spring 1839

Buckingham Palace

Just as I thought. QV’s in a real tizzy about losing Lord Melbourne and she’s taken against the man who’s due to be the next Prime Minister. According to her, Robert Peel minces about, shuffles his feet and points his toes. But is this a hanging offence? Is it not possible to govern a country whilst pointing one’s toes?

The only bright side of it (as far as she’s concerned) is that all the fretting about his mincing has made her a little less porky, so I’ve got a busy week ahead of me taking tucks in her drawers.

Autumn 1839

Buckingham Palace

Well, did I or did I not predict that QV had her eye on Prince Albert? He’d only been here five days when she started laughing too loudly, shaking her ringlets and generally going weak at the knees. He seems utterly taken with her, too (maybe she’s started brushing her teeth again). QV didn’t waste any time proposing to Albert, because that’s the way queens do things.

I mentioned this to Brian but he has not taken the hint.

I finished a little early in the laundry last night, and got roped in by the scullery maid to help her peel apples. They’ve got this absurd apple-peeler. You’re supposed to stick an apple in the bracket and turn the handle – so the blade follows the shape of the apple, occasionally gouging out pieces of skin. It would be quicker to peel them by hand, but they’re gadget mad in the kitchen and there’s no talking sense to them.

One day, someone will invent a machine for washing clothes, I just know it. But I am not holding my breath.

January 1840

Buckingham Palace

Nothing’s simple when you’re Queen. Not only did QV have to propose to Albert, instead of the other way round, she’s now busy trying to sort out his title and the amount of money he’s going to get. All very undignified, if you ask me.

I said to Brian, as I was scrubbing out the wash tubs: “Aren’t we fortunate in being so ordinary that if we wanted to get married we could just go ahead without having to worry about who’s got the grander title?”

Brian said: “You’ll have to scrub a bit harder if you want to finish them tubs before midnight.”

Will Brian turn out to be the romantic hero of my dreams ? Will Brian’s grammar improve? I am beginning to have doubts.

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