Chipped blockheads

KOLYA (with a grin): Of course, I heard. Who in our village hasn’t heard about it?

GRANDFATHER STEPAN: The village is a trifle, but they in the capital found out about it, and now they are putting pressure on me through our chairman. They told me: “Sell the land”. How can I sell it? It’s the most precious thing I have… Well, after my granddaughter, of course…

KOLYA: tell them to go to hell!

GRANDFATHER STEPAN: I’ve told them!

KOLYA: So what?

GRANDFATHER STEPAN: “You’ll end up in a bad way”, old guy, they said.

KOLYA: Do you think they won’t get off your back?

GRANDFATHER STEPAN: These sort of guys won’t. The deal smells like money, and these phizes love money, it shows.

KOLYA (patting the old man on the shoulder): Don’t be down. If hack and slash begin, my guys and I will stand up for you as one. You know it!

GRANDFATHER STEPAN: I know, but how can you compete with these bulls? They have money, they will buy everything and everyone with it. What’s behind you?

KOLYA (hitting his palm with his fist): The truth is behind us, grandfather. Do you remember what the guy in the movie said: Truth is strength? It’s about us!

GRANDFATHER STEPAN: Thank you, Kolya. You’re a good guy. But I’ll probably do it myself. I don’t want to put you in trouble.

At that moment Alina appeared on the porch. She was a slender, pretty girl about twenty-five with long curly light brown hair. She was wearing a light summer dress, showing the girl’s figure and making her bright appearance even more impressive.

Alina greeted Kolya with a nod. Nikolai didn’t nod back. He was struck by the girl’s beauty and didn’t hear what Stepan Fyodorovich was telling him.

GRANDFATHER STEPAN (pulling Nikolai’s forearm): … Isn’t it true, Kolya?

KOLYA (comes to his senses, blinking): No fear, old man, we defeated the Germans, and we’ll cope with these ghouls!

Looked like Kolya’s final phrase hit the mark, because the old man nodded with satisfaction and squeezed the guy’s hand tightly. After that, Stepan Fyodorovich turned his back on Nikolai and slowly walked towards the house. Nikolai stood at the gate for a while, watching Alina gracefully cross the yard. He stood frozen until the girl disappeared behind one of the buildings in her grandfather’s large yard. Nikolai sighed sadly, straightened his tousled hair, and headed for his house, looking back now and then in hope of seeing Alina again.

Scene 7

Deciding that she had rested enough, Maria got up from the sofa, put on rubber gloves, took a bucket in one hand, a mop in another hand and headed to the bathroom. She heard the sound of the front door opening and closing with a bang, then footsteps, and a cough right behind her back. Maria stopped and froze, not daring to turn to the man who entered. Although she knew for sure, of course, that it was her brother Nikolai.

KOLYA (with schadenfreude): I wonder, I wonder, what is Your Excellency doing on our farters’ land? Have they really kicked you out of the institute?

MARIA (without turning around, looks out the window with wide eyes): Kolya, can we talk normally, like a brother and a sister? KOLYA: Hi there, don’t be my scare! You want to talk? So you should have come when our mother… well… was alive. There were so many topic points: medicines, and doctors, and “nobody needs me, Kolenka.” Why didn’t you come? We could talk a lot at the family table!

MARIA (calmly, but sternly): Kolya, I explained it to you a thousand times. I drove away because I wanted to help our mother. Living in the city, all I thought about was how to create this damn medicine to cure her. All the while I thought only about her. Isn’t it clear?

KOLYA (sadly, almost crying): Tell me this for the thousandth and first time. Probably mom will feel better. (He pointed his finger upward). Even on the death bed she repeated: “Masha, my Mashenka will come, and I will immediately feel better!” Mashenka didn’t come. She has arrived now. But she is five years late…

Maria still stood with her back to Kolya. Her eyes immediately filled with tears, and they rolled down her cheeks in large drops. After standing there for a few seconds, the girl moved to the bathroom, still not turning to face her brother.

Kolya was totally exhausted. Memories of his mother seemed to have taken most of his energy. He sat down heavily on the sofa, put his hands on the knees of his long legs, and gazed at something on the floor. Maria returned with a bucket of water, placed it in the center of the room and began sweeping out litter from the corners, using a homemade broom she had found in the entrance hall.

KOLYA (with squinty eyes): What are you doing?

MARIA (surprised): What do you mean? I’m cleaning the house!

KOLYA (with a drunken grin and disgusting voice): “I’m cleaning the house!” It’s the right word! It’s like I told you: “clear the house”, and you misheard me.

Kolya burst out laughing. Maria stared blankly at him. Kolya abruptly came up to the bucket of water, put his foot on the rim, and in one sharp movement dropped the bucket on its side, so all the water poured out onto the floor.

KOLYA (sarcastically): Clean the house, and then clear the house. I repeat for the slow-witted: clear the house means “get away from the house”!

And Kolya, looking at his sister with contempt, showed her the following gesture: with the help of the index and middle fingers of his right hand, he imitated steps. After these words, he left the house and walked towards the gate with his signature gait: slightly bending his legs at the knees and swinging his long arms.

MARIA (raising the bucket): I hate you! Dipso! Cocky mug! Scum! Pig! No, you’re even worse than a pig: it would be offended now! You should be the subject of our experiments. It’s you who must be chipped. Maybe you can come to your senses this way only?!

Suddenly it dawned on Maria. She straightened her back abruptly and dropped the bucket onto the floor again. Maria thought there were many candidates in the village who had nothing to lose, take at least Kolya’s friends, or rather his drinking buddies. This is a great fund for scientific experiments!

The girl hurried to look for her purse. Having discovered it, Maria took out her phone and selected Fyodor’s number. He picked up the phone almost immediately.

FYODOR (a surprised voice comes from the phone): Hello?!

MARIA: Hello, partner. You’d be surprised, but I need your help. I have an idea of how we can continue our research!

Scene 8

The intense quarrel with Nikolai did no good for Maria’s working spirits. For a long time, she paced back and forth, not knowing which way to turn. Finally, the girl sat down on the sofa again. Looking around the living room, she remembered what it looked like long ago, in her childhood. A scene from that time recurred to her again.

Masha is twelve. She stands in the living room. Everything around her is spotlessly clean, every subject is in its place. Mother comes in.

MOTHER (looks around, putting her palms together at chest level): My God, Mashenka! Did you do it all?

Maria nods, looking pleased.

MOTHER: That’s fine! Good for you! What about the kid’s room? Is it clean too?

Mother turns and goes to the children’s room. Maria’s face suddenly changes, and she runs to intercept her mother and prevent her from entering the room.

MASHA: Stop, mom. There… uh… it’s not done yet.

But mother had already pushed the door and saw that the nursery was a terrible mess.

Mother frowned and looked sternly at her daughter.

MASHA (avoiding her eyes, getting angry): Why are you looking like that? Kolya did this. He was meant to clean the nursery and I was meant to clean the living room. As you can see, he hasn’t even started.

MOTHER: And where is he?

MASHA: Where, where…somewhere! He had escaped to the street with his friend.

MOTHER: What Mityai do you mean?

MASHA: Sure, he’s with him. (Sighs.) Mom, after all, it’s all your fault!

MOTHER (surprised, putting her hands on her hips): I like that! Will you explain please?

MASHA: You fuss over him like over a kid, but he’s no longer a child! He’s nine!

MOTHER (smiles and puts her hand on Maria’s shoulder): Darling, no matter how old you are, you will always be children for me. As for Kolya, let’s consider this… creative chaos!

MASHA (smirks): Hmm, it’s interesting! There is no creativity, but there is chaos!

MOTHER: Why not? What about chess?

MASHA: Mom, are you serious? Who needs these chess?

MOTHER: I need them, my daughter! I need…

Maria’s memory ceaased. She smiled sadly, brushed away a tear, and remembered another episode from her life. Here she is, a young university graduate, standing in the middle of a cluttered laboratory. It was her first day at work. Fyodor nicknamed Point Head is standing next to her, he is her fellow graduate who got a job the same day Maria got it.

FYODOR (with his eyes round in surprise): Holy vibrios! And how will we work here?

MARIA (looks suspiciously at Fyodor): How, how… First let’s start cleaning!

FYODOR (spreads his hands, turns to the door): No, no, I graduated from uni with honors not for going through this junk!

Maria grinned. Several minutes passed. Maria was sittinh at the desk with her legs dangling. In her hand she had a big red apple, which she periodically nibbled on. Fyodor walked in front of her, taking objects from a heap in the middle of the laboratory and carrying them out the door. He shot glances at Maria, not hiding his resentment.

MARIA: Why are you looking at me like that? We agreed: you take it all away, I wash the floor and put everything in its place.

Remembering that day, Maria smiled, looked again at the room she had to clean up, got up from the sofa and continued cleaning. A few hours later, Maria stood in the yard next to the metal barrel where she burned old things. Her eyes were fixed on the horizon, where the fading rays of the setting sun were still visible. The north wind forced Maria to grab a long knitted jacket from home; she was forced to wrap herself in it, shivering at times when the wind cut through it.

Looking at the sunset, Maria worried about her brother. She imagined him in some garage, where his loyal drinking buddies sat around him. They empty one bottle after another and cackle loudly. Kolya tries to relax, pretending that he is also having fun, but from the look on his face it’s clear that he is thinking about something else and feels concerned. The phone rang. Maria reluctantly took it in her hand, looking at the screen.

MARIA (before picking up the phone): Fyodor! Of course, who else needs me in this world? Only the crazy programmer from my previous work!

The girl answered the phone, smiling.

MARIA (with a shade of humour): The laboratory. The genius microbiologist Maria is speaking. How can I help you?

FEDOR (laughs): Hello again! Looks like it’s you who needs help, Masha. Are you turning crazy? Have nothing to do?

MARIA (sarcastically): Yeah, nothing! Come here, we’ll idle away together! I just need an assistant.

FYODOR: Okay, I’ll be there tomorrow!

MARIA: Stop mocking me! He will be here tomorrow!

FEDOR: I’m serious. It’s kind of dull here without you. Tomorrow I’m taking a vacation and coming to see you.

MARIA: Who will let you go? Especially now.

FYODOR: I won’t ask them. It’s settled, wait for me tomorrow. You’ll tell me more about your ideas. That’s all, astalavista! Smack-smack!

Kissing sounds are heard in the phone.

MARIA: Listen, it’s cool! I am waiting! Till tomorrow!

Masha hung up. She didn’t take her partner’s playful advances seriously, so she never responded to his “smack-smack” and similar antics. The girl stood for a while in the yard, looking at the dying fire in the barrel, and entered the house.

The end of the episode.

Episode 2

Scene 1

On one of the countless regional roads, which distinguished feature was multi-layered asphalt and colorful patches, a matte black Toyota Land Cruiser of a Pickup configuration stopped. Inside the car was a broad-shouldered skin-headed man of about forty or forty-five wearing dark jeans and a tight black T-shirt, showing his beefed-out arms. On the man’s wrist was a rare commander’s watch made during the period of stagnation, at Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev’s times. The man was holding a smartphone, with which he was trying to call a person indicated in his phone book as Boss. But every call ended with the annoying phrase: “The subscriber is busy.”

The man was nervous but kept trying. Finally someone answered on the other end of the line.

BOSS (in a tired voice): Hello.

SKIN-HEADED (in a drawling manner): Rudolfich, you, like Smolny, are hard to reach!

BOSS (ignores his words): Something urgent? I have no time to waste. Spit it out.

SKIN-HEADED (starts to speak faster): The village with a spring, remember?

BOSS: Well…

SKIN-HEADED: People are charged, equipment is fueled.

BOSS: Did you find out everything?

SKIN-EHEADED: Yes, there is an old farter there and a cunt with him. Right now we’ll scare them a little, and they’ll sign everything like one o’clock. Don’t worry, Rudolfych, they aren’t the first we’ve brought to heel!

BOSS: Be careful, Ignat, times are different now. We should talk to people. Psychology, my friend, makes life easier. Got it?

IGNAT (a stupid smile appears on his face): No.

BOSS (sighs): It’s a pity. Well, forget it.

IGNAT: So what?

BOSS: What do you mean by “what?”

IGNAT: Do you give me a green light for starting the operation?

BOSS: You’ve said it: People are refueled, equipment is charged.

IGNAT: Wow, did I say it that way?

BOSS: No, Ignat, I’m kidding! I’m trying to make you smile. But in vain, as I can see. In short, you better go as you are. Without a smile, you’ll look even more terrifying. I give the green light. Shift yourself to the area. If something or someone is in the way, bring them down to hell.

IGNAT: So, it’s well under way? Have you ironed it out with the governor? Or who is the point man on this land?

BOSS (sighs again): Ignat, let me prepare a report in writing and give it to you by morning.

IGNAT (with a surprised face): Are you serious?!

BOSS (shouting into the phone): No, damn it, Ignat, you have some nerve! Do I have to report you? If I said “green light”, I mean “green light”. If I say stop, it means stop. Turn off your head and just follow my instructions. When I need you to turn on, I’ll tell you. Is it clear?

IGNAT (upset): Yes…

BOSS: So, forward!

The boss hung up. Ignat threw his smartphone onto the passenger seat and cursed. Got out of the car. He climbed the hill behind him. From there, the man could see the parking lot for special purpose equipment: an excavator, two dump trucks, a bulldozer, a manipulator, and a slightly rusty Niva. Drivers and workers gathered in a circle in the very center of the parking lot: they smoked, talked loudly, and some even played cards. Noticing Ignat, everyone froze, waiting for a signal. He solemnly raised his hand, waited a few seconds, then waved, calling on the drivers to take their seats and move in the indicated direction.

Scene 2

Maria usually slept for five or six hours, and it was enough for her. However, the village sleep refused to let the girl escape from its embrace. Getting out of bed with an effort, Maria stretched and went to the yard to perform her morning washing routine. The sewer system in the house had turned off a long time ago because Kolya was too busy to spare time for his house. After taking an outdoor shower, Maria put on a light summer suit and put the kettle on the gas stove to charge herself with energy through a meager breakfast: tea and cheese sandwiches she had prepared for future use back in the city.

Despite yesterday’s efficient cleaning, there were still places in the house that claimed attention. Maria walked around the house, making today’s work schedule.

Suddenly the girl heard someone enter the house. Maria hurried to the hallway. A man about forty-five or fifty stood at the door. His appearance inspired confidence: a respectable man wearing a suit and polished shoes, gray hair well styled with a comb and hairspray, a fairly smart face, clever and kind eyes.

GUEST (smiling and extending his hand): Well, hello, Maria!

MARIA: Have we met?

GUEST: You hardly remember me, the last time we met you were knee-high to a duck. Maria tried to remember the man. His face seemed familiar to her, but not to the extent that she could call the stranger by name.

GUEST: Well, you don’t remember me, so let me introduce myself. Ivan Alekseevich, chairman of this wonderful collective farm.

MARIA: You mean a head of administration?

IVAN: Let’s use the phrase “chairman of the collective farm” – this approach makes communicating with the population easier. It just so happened that they trust the chairmen more than the mayors, peers, administrations and other overseas evil spirits.

MARIA: Okay. As you like, Ivan Alekseevich. Would you like some tea?

IVAN: No, I never drink at work… I mean… I don’t drink tea either. I have a headache after that… Also… Although no, not also… It just aches.

Ivan Alekseevich blushed.

MARIA (taken aback): Some water?

IVAN: Well, yes! I’ll drink some water. Our water is fine. Did you notice?

MARIA (smiles): Of course, Ive grown up here!

IVAN: Well, what did we have at that time? And now, we are even preparing to receive tourists. Now, we’ll come to an agreeement with your grandfather Stepan Fyodorovich, and he will let people visit his spring, and pilgrims will come to us!

Ivan Alekseevich kept silence for a while, dreaming with his chin raised high. Maria scooped up water from the bucket with a glass and handed it to the chairman. He took a sip and sat down on a stool at the table opposite Maria, who had returned from the kitchen with sandwiches.

IVAN: Maria, pardon my asking the indiscreet question, but how long will you stay here? You know what the BBC said? “For life”.

MARIA (surprised): BBC?

IVAN: Yes, BBC. It’s real name is Grandma Shura.

MARIA (smiling): Ah, Grandma Shura! Well, Grandma Shura seems to know more than I do, because I haven’t decided yet.

IVAN: Get used to it, Grandma Shura really knows a lot. She often teaches me how to deal with state affairs. I’ll make notes!

MARIA: Well, I haven’t decided how long I’ll stay in the village yet. I’m having a tough time right now. I need to take a breath…

IVAN (jabbers): I see, I see! No need to explain it to me, I understand. And I even know how I can help you. Occupational therapy is the best cure for stress. It’s checked, tested, and patented!

MARIA (smiles): Good idea! I’m intrigued!

IVAN: So let’s go straight to the point. I know what kind of education you have, and they also whispered to me about your previous working place. Now, I want to invite you to continue your career on our collective farm as a leading vet.

MARIA (spreads her hands, shaking her head): Oh, no, being a vet is not my thing at all. I prefer to disable animals… I mean, I can… instead of treating them.

IVAN: Calm down, Maria. You will neither treat nor maim anyone. You will be just a salaried vet. All your job duties Semenych will perform; in the spring, he is like that wolf from a child’s game: he only manages to catch eggs. Do you know how many bulls we have?

Maria choked on her sandwich, cleared her throat and sipped tea.

IVAN (embarrassed): Sorry for God’s sake, I forgot that you are having breakfast. Well, for you, Maria, I have a completely different plan. Based on your CV…

MARIA (interrupts the chairman): Where, I’m afraid to ask,

did you get this piece of knowledge about me? Did BBK tell you it, too?

IVAN (corrected): BBC.

MARIA: Sorry, BBC. Is the data really from her?

IVAN: No, no, God forbid, Grandma Shura works in a slightly different direction. However, I personally track valuable specialists who stray into our village by mistake. How else? With our alcoholics you can’t raise the collective farm from its knees!

Maria remembered Nikolai and sympathized with the chairman.

IVAN: Oh, what am I doing? I chat too much. I think you should see everything for yourself. This way, you will decide whether to agree on my offer or send chairman Ivan Alekseevich to hell. I invite you to an exciting journey on our farm, Maria!

Ivan Alekseevich smiled mysteriously and winked at the girl. The man’s face won her favor, and Maria accepted the invitation without thinking twice.

MARIA: Please wait for me outside, Ivan Alekseevich. I’ll tidy myself up and join you.

IVAN (smiles): But don’t overdo it! I don’t want anyone to take you straight to the registry office on the way to the farm! We haven’t seen such beautiful girls since Perestroika!

Maria smiled shyly, and the chairman left the house.

Scene 3

The road to the farm wasn’t short. Ivan Alekseevich kept apologizing to Maria now and then for the discomfort of going on foot.

IVAN (without noticing it, he became less formal): You see, Maria, my driver, Vitalka, is the best of guys! (The chairman stretched a thumb up on his right hand). But he has a problem: when a drop gets into his mouth, that’s the end, welcome to the rodeo. God knows what I did to fight his addiction, but he still periodically reaches for the glass. What can I do? Can I sew his mouth shut? You and I are going on foot now, Masha, because Vitalka is on drink.

MARIA (calmingly): That’s all right, Ivan Alekseevich. Hiking benefits the whole body, by the way. As for your driver, such things happen even to the best of us. He will sleep, get up sober and return to work. He knows that your patience is limited. After all, you can fire him.

IVAN (shakes his head): You’re a bit wrong here, Maria. Well, I’ll fire Vitalka, and what comes next? Do you think there is a queue of drivers on my farm? Far from it! There is only one problem in rural areas these days: personnel. Earlier, there were two problems: money and people. It’s different with money now – take as much as you can take away, just don’t forget to report. But as for the staff, things didn’t change much. The young and promising fled to the city. Well, let’s take you, for example. Only alcoholics and addicts are left here. Your brother, for example… uh…

The chairman blushed terribly. He felt awkward calling Maria’s brother an alcoholic.

IVAN (returning to a more formal manner): Sorry, Maria.

MARIA (sighing sadly): Don’t apologize, Ivan Alekseevich. Unfortunately, you are telling the truth. It’s painful for me to watch that such a gifted child became this third-rate wnen adult.

IVAN (can’t decide whether he should use formal or informal style and begins to alternate them): I’ll tell you the following, Masha. He is far from a mediocre person. Nikolai has enormous potential! It’s all the fault of vodka, it interferes with everything. If you succeed in helping him fight this evil habit, you will get a completely different brother. He is communicative, the makings of a leader are also present, and I don’t have to tell you about his brainpower. It’s a pity, of course, it’s a great pity! Do you know how many such guys we have in the village? Everyone has his talent. If something happened that could make everyone stop drinking one day, that would be just wonderful! We would arrange an extraordinary collective farm here! Not a collective farm but no less than a corporation!

Meanwhile, the chairman and Maria had already reached the farm. Here the girl saw something she didn’t expect at all: new buildings, renovations, all clean and tidy, and modern equipment.

MARIA (returns to the conversation): You know, Ivan Alekseevich, it’s possible in theory. Modern science knows many methods that can affect some of humans’ weaknesses by total elimination of them from their consciousness. In the laboratory where I worked, we dealt with similar issues.

IVAN: Wow! Probably you would like to see our laboratory? Of course, we deal with more down-to-earth issues there. But perhaps they will be interesting to you too.

The chairman led Maria to a detached building. Entering it, the girl saw a quite decent laboratory and no personnel.