All a Man Is

“Men don’t always understand what women need,” Alec murmured, momentarily confusing her. Then she saw the amusement that lightened the depth of emotion they’d both been feeling.

“I have noticed,” she responded.

He laughed, although she sensed he might be forcing it. “When you need something from me, tell me. Otherwise, I won’t know.”

Your heart. I need you to love me.

He would tell her he did. Like a sister.

“Anything,” he added, sounding husky.

They looked at each other for an uninterrupted stretch that had warmth rising in her cheeks as she wondered crazily what he meant.

Anything.

“I never suspected,” he said after a moment.

“Suspected what?” She didn’t sound quite like herself, but if he noticed he gave no indication.

“I assumed you and Josh were completely happy.”

“Don’t you think any marriage has tensions?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve never tried it.”

“Why not?” she asked. “Have you ever come close?”

He shook his head. “I love my parents, but I wouldn’t want what they have.”

She nodded her understanding. Norman Raynor was a tense, rigid, demanding man who both dominated and dismissed his wife. Even Josh, not often given to self-reflection, had talked some about his father’s expectations for his boys and his contempt for women. At the time, Julia had thought to be grateful that Alec and Josh didn’t have a sister. She had blamed Norm for his sons’ choice of careers, too; he had been a firefighter who thought men should be men. Mostly he and Rosaria had been great with the kids, but Julia hadn’t been enthusiastic about her children spending a lot of time with their grandfather as they got older and more conscious of things like gender roles.

“I feel sorry for your mother.”

“She made her bed.” Apparently realizing how harsh that sounded, Alec shook his head. “I don’t mean that. No matter how bad the marriage is, she’d never leave him. If nothing else, her faith wouldn’t let her. But it’s more than that. I’m not sure she even notices how he treats her anymore. I remember from when I was little how happy she was. Laughing and singing all the time.” His mouth crooked up and his expression softened. “Good smells from the kitchen, fresh flowers from her garden on the table, an Italian tenor bellowing from the stereo.” He grimaced. “Of course, the music went off when Dad walked in the door, and if Mama was lucky, he’d grunt his appreciation for amazing food. The change in her was gradual. She’d listen to music less and less often, smile less. By the time Josh and I were in high school, she’d lost any gift for happiness. I don’t know if she’d recover it even if he dropped dead of a heart attack tomorrow.”

Julia couldn’t help herself. She touched him, only fleetingly, her fingertips to the back of his hand, but it was enough to draw a startled, somehow riveted stare from him.

“Were their feelings hurt that we moved away?” she asked, as much to distract him as anything. His parents hadn’t said much to her, but she’d never been sure how they felt about her anyway.

As a distraction, her question worked. Alec gave a grunt of his own. “Couldn’t tell with Mama. Dad thought me quitting my job was asinine. I’d be a captain before I knew it, maybe rise to chief of the LAPD. He knew how to bring Matt into line, and it didn’t involve pampering the kid or uprooting the whole damn family. ‘My belt’s still good for something,’ he said.”

Julia shuddered. They were both silent for a moment.

“I always thought I might be more like him than Josh was,” Alec said unexpectedly. “Josh was more...happy-go-lucky, for lack of a better term. I internalize everything.”

Yes. She’d seen that.

“I was thinking something like that,” she admitted. “The only thing is, Josh was only happy when he was in motion. Eventually I started wondering if he had an attention deficit disorder, but surely he’d have had to be patient, I don’t know, crouched somewhere waiting for the bad guys to make a move. I know he was smart, but he almost never picked up a book. Even TV bored him. He could sit down for about the length of a meal, then he’d get twitchy and leap up and need to do something.”

“Yeah, he had some trouble in school. Far as I know, he was never diagnosed, but—” He put down his fork and seemed to mull that over. “Actually, I don’t know if that’s true or not. Dad would probably have given hell to any teacher or school administrator who tried to lay the blame for Josh’s issues on some problem in his brain when obviously they were lacking. He limped through graduation, but he enlisted the minute he graduated. Never crossed any of our minds that he might go on to college.”

Somehow the conversation drifted after that. First Alec and she exchanged their own experiences in higher education. She shook her head over her idiocy in dropping out before getting her degree, Alec telling her his father had belittled his own determination to get his.

“‘Why waste your time?’ he’d say. ‘You should have gone straight to the police academy. Think of the street experience you’d have by now.’ He’d shake his head. ‘You’ve been to school for thirteen years already. Why would you want to write a paper about Robert E. Lee’s military mistakes or the fact that some damn philosopher tried to prove himself wrong?’”

“Some damn philosopher?” she queried.

“Descartes. He was determined not to be smug in his beliefs.”

“So he tried to prove he was wrong.”

“Right.” Alec shook his head. “Funny Dad should have chosen that paper to disparage, because I take Descartes’s theories about self-doubt seriously. Whenever I go too far out on a limb, I think, hold on, remember Descartes, and take the other side. Sometimes I actually do convince myself I was wrong.”

“I’m impressed,” she said, smiling. “You actually demonstrate the value of those college classes on a day-to-day basis.”

He smiled, too. “I told you, I internalize everything.”

She had been so wrong about him, Julia thought as they finished dinner and returned to the Tahoe. Why hadn’t she ever noticed how different he was from her husband?

Of course, she knew the answer in part. While she was married, she hadn’t let herself dwell on any feelings in particular for Josh’s brother. And later—it had taken her a long time to emerge from the grief and the guilt, and by then she was consumed by her children’s needs. For all the time she and Alec had spent together, most of their conversations had to do with the kids, Matt in particular. It alarmed her a little to realize that this evening, she and Alec had been, for possibly the first time, only a man and woman. She couldn’t help wondering if he’d made any discoveries about her.

She was more self-conscious than usual when they got back to the duplex. The kids weren’t due back for another half an hour. I could invite him in, she thought, but had the unsettling thought that doing so might be dangerous. She didn’t dare betray her feelings to him, not if she was going to continue to depend on him the way she had been. She’d be foolish to misinterpret the expression in his eyes when he’d said, When you need something from me, tell me.

So she thanked him for dinner, made her excuses and shut the door firmly on the man standing on her doorstep. The one whose voice had become husky when he implied he would give her anything at all.

Inside, heart thumping, she knew her greatest fear having to do with him was that he’d give what she asked, but for all the wrong reasons. Even the idea of that was unbearable.

CHAPTER FOUR

“YOU DIDN’T FOLLOW instructions,” said the hollow voice. It wasn’t any more distinct than it had been during the previous phone call, but Alec was damn sure the speaker was the same man.

His phone had rung while he was waiting for a table at a deli near the police station and having the passing thought that he could have called Julia to see if she wanted to meet him. Of course, she’d probably have had to bring Liana, at least, which would have killed his fantasy of being alone with her, something he’d begun to crave.

Seeing the unfamiliar number, he had stepped back outside. Traffic noise wasn’t a lot better than the buzz of a roomful of people talking, but at least he wouldn’t be overheard. With his back to the brick wall, he gazed unseeing at passing vehicles. He’d trace the phone number, but he was betting on a throwaway.

The fact that he’d been thinking about Julia when this son of a bitch called to issue another threat roused all his protective instincts.

“Something you should know about me,” he said. “I don’t respond to threats or blackmail.”

“One last chance,” the muffled voice told him, and the call was over.

He brooded as he stowed his phone. The first call had come less than two days after Julia’s arrival in Angel Butte. He couldn’t see how her showing up could have triggered anything. Probably one had nothing to do with the other...but he’d been police chief here in Angel Butte since the first of April. Only now that he had family was anyone threatening him. Yeah, that made him nervous.

Today was July 12, which meant two weeks had elapsed since the first threat. That was remarkably patient of the caller, he reflected.

After a moment’s thought, Alec dialed the mayor’s mobile number. It only rang once.

“Raynor?”

“I just got a second anonymous call,” he said.

“Threatening?”

He thought about it. “By implication. I’m told I have ‘one last chance.’”

“Why aren’t they calling me, too?” Chandler asked.

“Good question. I’m the new boy in town. Your support for McAllister has to have more impact than mine.”

There was a pause. “Maybe, but could be they figure they undercut my support enough by getting the word out that I refused to hire him as chief of the department here in Angel Butte.”

“That’s possible,” Alec conceded. A smile twitched at his mouth. “It’s also possible your reputation precedes you.”

“As a hard-ass?” Noah Chandler sounded amused.

“Something like that.”

He chuckled. “You plan any action?”

“I don’t think I’ll bother with the campaign manager this time. I’m going straight to Sheriff Brock himself.”

“Good,” the mayor said. “You’ll let Colin know?”

Alec agreed he would.

“Anything on Bystrom?”

The subject of the previous Angel Butte police chief was a sore one for Mayor Chandler. Alec was more accustomed to the slow pace of justice. One of the reasons arresting officers were so careful to document their every action and thought was that, by the time that arrest actually came to trial, assuming it ever did, they’d long since forgotten the details. He understood the mayor’s frustration, though.

During what turned out to be an unrelated investigation last year, Colin McAllister had stumbled on evidence suggesting the former police chief was corrupt. With Chandler’s backing, McAllister had gotten a warrant for Gary Bystrom’s financial records, which showed a sizable second income from mysterious sources. Tracing the source of those deposits was something the federal Drug Enforcement Agency could do better than a local police department. Angel Butte P.D. was part of a regional coalition of law-enforcement agencies, including the DEA, focusing on drug trafficking. They were all working right now on tying failed raids or other favors to the dates of some of those payments to the former police chief.

In the wake of Bystrom’s resignation and the ensuing investigation, McAllister and now Alec had been forced to look hard at their own officers. Gary Bystrom hadn’t been known as a hands-on police chief. Somebody would have had to tip him off to upcoming raids or other actions for him to have useful information to pass on. To date, five officers had been identified as having accepted bribes, some directly from Bystrom, some from the same sources who had paid off the police chief. All five had been fired. Alec was far from satisfied that the house was totally clean, but was starting to feel as if this had become more of a witch hunt than a dispassionate investigation. It had been weeks since he’d found anything that would justify further warrants. If the department harbored any more crooked cops, he could only hope they’d see the writing on the wall and look for jobs elsewhere.

“I left another message with the agent in charge” was all he could offer now.

Chandler grunted, wordlessly expressing dissatisfaction.

“You know it’s going to be out of our hands anyway,” Alec reminded him. “They’ll want to file charges in federal court.”

“As long as his ass goes to jail,” Chandler said flatly.

Alec agreed. He hadn’t met the man who’d preceded him in office, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t despise him. Alec had spent the past three and a half months untangling and fixing everything the son of a bitch had let go out of sheer laziness, never mind the elastic morals and the greed.

He and Chandler left it at that.

* * *

WHEN THE PHONE RANG, Julia pounced on it. “Alec?”

“Yeah.” He sounded tired. “Sorry to have run so late. Have I missed dinner?”

Most nights he ate with them. She’d told him all he had to do was let her know, that he was always welcome but shouldn’t feel pressured to give up every evening for them, either. As far as she knew, the couple of dinners he’d missed were because of work obligations.

“No, you’re not the only one running late.” She hesitated, not wanting to dump anything else on him right now, but he’d notice when he got here if Matt was still missing. “My darling son has also failed to appear, even though I told him what time I’d planned dinner for.”

Alec’s voice sharpened. “Do you know where he is? I can pick him up.”

“Not a clue. After lunch when I asked where he was going, he said ‘around.’”

She’d seen Matt’s attitude deteriorating these past few days but hadn’t yet said anything to Alec. She wanted desperately to believe she was imagining things, but now...she couldn’t delude herself anymore.

“Do you want me to try to talk to him?” Alec offered.

She hesitated. They were already depending so heavily on him. “I don’t want you to damage your relationship with him.”

“Julia, I’m on your side, not his.” He sounded implacable. “I may not be his father, but I’m the next best thing. The way I see it, you and I have to stand together.”

She didn’t cry easily or often, but hearing such a strong message of support had her eyes burning. “Thank you” was all she could manage to say, and that was with a thick voice. “I’m not used to having...” She stopped. Had he understood what she’d meant, telling him that Josh was more buddy than parent to the kids? The truth was, he hadn’t been on her side. He’d gone so far as to undermine her authority, giving permission for Matt to do something to which she’d already said no, or chiding her right in front of their children for being too strict.

“I’ll be there in five,” Alec said brusquely and was gone.

She’d barely hung up when she heard the front door open and close. Julia stepped from the kitchen. “You’re late.”

Matt’s entire posture radiated rebellion. She didn’t know whether she hated the slouch or the sneer the most.

“So?” He shrugged. “It’s summer.”

“You know I expect us to sit down to dinner as a family most nights.”

“A family. That’s a joke.”

His tone was so vicious, it sent a shudder through her. “Losing your dad doesn’t mean we aren’t a family anymore.”

“Losing him?” He looked at her in disbelief. “He’s dead. He’s not lost. Without Dad—” Matt choked. “We’re just not, okay?” He whirled and raced for his bedroom.

“Dinner will be on the table in ten minutes,” she called after him.

“I’ll eat in my bedroom.”

Julia didn’t have much of a temper, but what she had suddenly sparked. She moved fast, planting her hand on his door before he could slam it. “If you plan to eat tonight,” she told him with steel in her voice, “you will be at the table in ten minutes. Hands clean, prepared to behave politely. Is that clear?”

“I don’t know why I came home at all!” he yelled and threw his shoulder at the door so that it closed right in her face.

Shaken, she retreated to the kitchen, where she turned the burner on beneath the green beans she’d snapped earlier.

She heard the snick of a door and soft footsteps, so she wasn’t taken by surprise when Liana said from right behind her, “Why is Matt so mad, Mommy?”

Julia turned and held out her arms. Liana catapulted into them. Hugging her hard, Julia bent to kiss the top of her head as she rocked her. “I don’t know, sweetie. I wish I did.” She paused, battling her conscience. Asking either of her kids to rat out the other seemed...wrong. She was getting desperate, though. “Does he talk to you?”

“Uh-uh.” Her daughter shook her head hard. “He says I act like a baby and I wouldn’t believe him anyway.”

Believe what?

The doorbell rang. Liana straightened. “Is that Uncle Alec? Can I let him in?”

Julia laughed, hoping it sounded natural. “Of course you can.”

Liana started chattering the minute she got the front door open. Julia heard the slow rumble of his responses. A minute later the two stepped into the kitchen, Alec’s dark eyes going right to Julia.

A hand on his niece’s thin shoulder momentarily silenced her. “Smells good,” he said easily, but she could tell he knew something was wrong.

“Chicken cacciatore, and if you dare compare it to your mother’s, I’ll abandon you to open a can of soup for dinner tomorrow night.”

He laughed, probably guessing the recipe was from his mother. “Have I ever complained about your cooking?”

“Says the man whose freezer is probably stocked with microwave meals.” She turned to lower the heat beneath the furiously boiling green beans, mostly so he couldn’t see her face while she went for casual. “Would you call Matt?”

She heard his footsteps going and his voice. A moment later he was back.

“He says he isn’t hungry.”

Did Mattie think he could sneak out here as soon as they were done and heat up leftovers? If so, he was in for a surprise. In fact, she might go so far as to balance a pan lid atop the refrigerator door in case he tried after she’d gone to bed. The clang should scare him and wake her up. Maybe her resolve to starve her son made her a horrible mother, but right this minute she didn’t care.

Alec was pouring milk for himself and Liana, asking what Julia wanted, responding to some story Liana was telling about her day, and a minute later the three of them were ready to sit down at the small table. Julia ignored the unneeded place setting, although she saw both her daughter and Alec glance at it. His gaze moved from it to her face, where it stayed.

“There a problem?” he asked quietly.

“Matt yelled at Mom,” Liana confided. She bent her head, her fine, silky hair falling forward to veil her face. “Sometimes he scares me,” she said softly, sneaking a look toward the hallway.

Alec’s eyes met Julia’s, just a quick look, before he laid a hand on Liana’s nape and squeezed. “Hey,” he said. “He’s a teenager. They can be butts. It’s hormones run amok, you know. It’ll happen to you, too, kiddo.”

Liana looked up, her expression patently relieved. “Uh-uh. I’d never yell at Mom.”

He grinned at her. “Famous last words.”

Her forehead creased. “What’s that mean?”

As he explained, Julia admired his endless patience with the kids. How was it he hadn’t married and had children of his own? He never seemed bored with hers, never gave them anything less than his complete attention. Liana visibly bloomed with him.

We are so lucky, Julia thought, for at least the hundredth time. Then, But he might get bored. Or—what if he already is, and is just hiding it?

He told a few tall tales about his own and Josh’s teenage years that had her and her daughter both laughing. Oh, she hoped that for once Matt had taken the damn earbuds out and was eavesdropping on his family. Let his stomach be rumbling, too, she thought vengefully.

Liana declared herself stuffed and decided to save her blueberry cobbler for later. Apparently she’d promised Sophie she’d come over right after dinner, so could she please be excused?

Within moments, she’d whisked out the front door, Alec following. Julia was clearing the table when he came back.

“She got there safe and sound,” he reported.

Julia smiled at him. “You didn’t think she would?”

His dark lashes veiled his eyes, making her wonder for a fleeting instant what he hadn’t wanted her to see. No, she had to be imagining things. He was always cautious with the kids.

Without answering, Alec took plates from her, their hands brushing. She’d let him get closer than she usually did. Afraid color was rising in her cheeks, she reached for a serving bowl.

In the kitchen, she covered the bowl with plastic wrap. Alec set dishes in the sink.

“I’d like blueberry cobbler.” He looked hopeful and even boyish, unusual for a man with a face so very male and enigmatic more often than not. “Especially if you have vanilla ice cream to go with it.”

She smiled at him. “You know I do. Ugh. I can’t keep cooking like this or we’ll all get fat.”

His eyebrows crooked as he nudged the faucet on with his forearm and began rinsing plates. “You doing it for my benefit?”

“Maybe,” she admitted, sneaking a look at him. “Partly.” Mostly. The kids wouldn’t care if she put macaroni and cheese in front of them three nights a week and rotated hamburgers, pizza and maybe spaghetti the other four. She enjoyed having another adult to cook for. “Think of it as payback.”

She didn’t realize she’d been seeing pleasure on his face until something like anger took its place. “Damn it, Julia, let’s not go there. The three of you are family. There’s no obligation here.”

“How can I help but feel some?” she protested. “Especially after everything you gave up?”

Creases carved deep in his forehead. “Didn’t you hear a thing I said the last time we talked about this? Exactly what is it I gave up? Do you think my job was glamorous? Fun?” He sounded exasperated.

“You chose it.” For the first time, she felt uncertain. “You seemed to love it.”

He let out a breath and moved his shoulders as if loosening tense muscles. “I chose law enforcement. I’m still in law enforcement.”

“Oh, right,” Julia scoffed. “This is a town that had, what, two or three murders last year? Compared to something like one a day in L.A.?”

He shook his head. “Less than one a day. And do you know how much we’d lowered that rate these past ten, fifteen years? That’s my goal—preventing crime, not cleaning up after it. And yeah, working Homicide was interesting, but so is understanding what a smaller city needs from its police department and making sure we deliver. I don’t know what this fixation you have is, but I’m liking this job, Julia.”

“But...” Momentarily flummoxed by what sounded like sincerity, she stopped. “I’ll bet you sit in front of a computer all day, don’t you?”

“I do some of that, but I sit through a lot of meetings, too.” His frown had relaxed. “Yesterday I worked out with the SWAT team. Today I spent a couple of hours in the crime lab listening to a compelling pitch for new equipment. Day before I rode along for a few hours with a patrol officer fresh out of training.” Vibrancy rang in his voice. “Last week I had breakfast with half a dozen other police chiefs in the region, sharing issues, concerns, solutions. Got some damn good ideas. I’ve met personally with every single member of the city council in the past couple of weeks, and I think I’ve got the votes to approve hiring an additional fifteen officers spread across the department, plus a civilian-crime analyst, which apparently was a new concept to them.”

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