The Impossible Vastness Of Us

I should have been mortified, but instead I felt a renewed resolve within me to not let these people think they could embarrass me or force me to duck my head and hide from their curiosity and judgment. I grinned at Gabe’s mockery of the student body for believing his stupid lie and called, “Thanks, dipshit.”

His laughter rang out around the room, and I found myself chuckling. I looked beyond him to Eloise and found her watching me uneasily. Gabe was oblivious as he walked back to the table. I moved to find an empty table, and my mood plummeted harshly when I realized I was going to have to sit alone.

I hadn’t eaten lunch alone since I lived with my dad.

Doing what I’d gotten so good at since I’d arrived in Massachusetts, I pretended I wasn’t bothered by my loner status. Instead I pulled out the book I was currently reading and got lost in the words while I ate my pasta salad.

Only a few minutes later my face started to tingle and I felt the little hairs on the back of my neck rise. Not moving my book from covering my face, I discreetly looked up over the top of it, searching for the cause of the tingles.

My eyes locked with Finn Rochester’s.

Those little flutters awoke in my stomach again and I flushed hot.

Finn wrenched his gaze away, frowning down at his plate. No one at his table seemed to notice he’d been looking over at me.

I focused back on the pages of my book, but the words just became blurry blobs.

The truth was Finn unsettled me. I honestly didn’t know why.

I just knew I didn’t like it.

Forcing myself to concentrate on the book, I eventually got back into the story and for a while I forgot I was in hostile territory.

* * *

I wish I could say that the day improved from there but it was pretty much the same as the beginning. Classes were fine, if a lot more challenging than my old school, teachers were overall welcoming and none of my fellow students bothered to introduce themselves to me.

I walked out of school at the end of the day the way I’d walked in.

Alone.

Gil was waiting with the car and when he saw me he got out to open the door for me. “Good afternoon, miss. I hope you had a good first day.”

I thanked him as I slid into the car.

Once I was settled inside Gil got back in the driver’s seat and started to pull away.

“What about Eloise?”

“Miss Eloise informed me that she will be getting a ride home from Finn later this afternoon.”

I nodded and turned to stare out the window. I’d found myself forgetting throughout the day that Finn and Eloise were a couple. They didn’t act like Bryce and Joshua, who could barely keep their hands off one another. I knew not all couples liked PDA, but there was usually something to let you know that a couple were into one another. They acted like friends, for sure, but I hadn’t seen them kiss or hold hands or cuddle.

But I guess one day wasn’t really long enough to form an opinion about them as a couple.

As the streets of Boston passed us by I let my thoughts drift away from Eloise and Finn. Instead I thought of all the homework I had to do, all the work I had ahead of me to get involved in my new school and how miserable it was that I hadn’t made one single friend. I’d decided Gabe didn’t count. I knew when a boy had sex on his mind and Gabe was definitely flirting with me.

“Tomorrow is a new day.”

I was startled from my forlorn musing by the sound of Gil’s voice.

He was smiling sympathetically at me in the rearview mirror. “The first day is always the worst.”

Grateful for his insight and kindness, I gave him a small smile. “It can only get better, right?”

“Definitely.” And it sounded like a promise.

I hoped it was a promise. A solid one. Because I’d worked too hard to get out of my previous miserable existence for my mother’s new romance to take that all away from me.

Upon arriving home, I had to remind myself to let Gil get the door for me. When I stepped out I thanked him and hoped he knew I meant it sincerely. So far he was the only person from the house, other than Theo, who had been warm to me. I appreciated it.

Thinking of the staff, I decided to brave the kitchen despite Gretchen’s grouchiness that morning because I really wanted a soda. Entering the vast space, I found it full of hustle and bustle as Gretchen and one of Theo’s maids prepared for dinner.

I gave them an unsure smile and headed toward the huge refrigerator.

“May I help?” Gretchen called over.

“I’m just getting a soda.”

“I’ll get it for you, miss,” she said gruffly, stepping away from the vegetables she was cutting.

“It’s fine. I can get my own soda,” I assured her with more than a hint of amusement in my voice.

Gretchen frowned but nodded.

“Do you know if Hayley is home?”

The maid was the one that answered me. “Ms. Maxwell is out. Wedding plans. She said she would return in time for dinner.”

Wedding plans. Of course. “Thanks,” I muttered, and strolled out of the kitchen with my can of soda. I headed straight for my room.

Hayley had broken it to me last night that she’d quit her job. I’d tried not to get really angry at her for giving up her own means of independence, because I knew her well enough to know that this wasn’t a decision she was going back on.

As I’d gotten older and started to question why Hayley made the choices that she made, I started to form the theory that my inept mother had always wanted to be a princess. She didn’t want reality. She wanted fantasy.

Theodore Fairweather was finally giving her that.

She could live a life of leisure as the wife of a wealthy, influential blue blood.

Never, I decided, never would I put my entire financial and emotional well-being in the hands of someone else. Never!

Nope. I was going to metaphorically kick ass at my new school and forge a new path to total independence. On that thought I got on my laptop, found some editions of my old school paper and sent them to Franklin to look over.

I studied a little, impatiently waiting for time to pass. Anna was going to FaceTime me but since there was a three-hour time difference between us, I had to wait for her to get out of school. When my laptop started ringing like a phone, I thought I hadn’t heard such a nice sound in a long time.

“Oh my God, come home!” Anna yelled.

“Believe me, I would if I could. How was the first day of school without me?”

Anna rolled her eyes. “Um...what do you think? Siobhan is totally acting like Winter Snow Queen already.”

“Yeah, like we didn’t know that was going to happen. As long as she’s not being mean?”

“So far not a lot of meanness, just a lot of ‘fall at my feet and kiss my toes.’”

“Literally?”

“Thankfully, no. I don’t care how many pedicures that girl can afford, I am not getting near her feet.”

I laughed and then immediately sobered. “I miss you guys.”

“We miss you, too. You know who else misses you?”

“Who?”

“Jay.”

“Jay? He said that?” Somehow I couldn’t picture the too-cool Jay actually uttering those words to Anna. I realized by Anna’s giddy tone that I should probably feel excited that Jay missed me. But I just...didn’t.

“No, but he asked if we’d heard from you. Of course Siobhan tried to use his attention to flirt with him but he was really only interested in talking about you.” She sighed heavily. “Oh, to be India Maxwell, breaking the hearts of bad boys everywhere.”

I snorted. “Yeah, because my life is so charmed right now.”

She clapped her hands together and stuck her face closer to the screen. “Tell me how your day went.”

And so I proceeded to fill my best friend in on the grim start to my new life in Boston.

“India Maxwell does not sit alone at lunch!” Anna was gratifyingly indignant on my behalf. “I’m sorry you had such a shitty day. But trust me, they will realize how epic you are soon enough.” Her sympathy and reassurances were soothing, and after we signed off, I did actually feel a little better for connecting with her.

I wandered around my room, trailing my fingers over all my new things and wondering if material possessions ever made anyone truly happy, and was stopped in my tracks at the French doors. Outside I watched as a light blue convertible pulled up in front of the house.

Sitting in the driver’s seat was Charlotte and getting out of the car was Eloise. Eloise blew her friend a kiss and sashayed into the house, disappearing from sight.

A smiling Charlotte pulled away from the house.

Hmm. I thought Gil had said Eloise was with Finn.

“There you are.”

I spun around to find Hayley standing in my doorway. “When did you get home?”

“About thirty minutes ago.” She wore this goofy grin on her face as she sank down onto my bed. “How was school?”

“Fine, I guess.”

“You guess? Was it really that bad?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

She looked hurt by my curtness so I changed the subject. “How goes the wedding plans?”

And just like that she lit up again as she told me all about the wedding planner she’d met with, the venue they’d by some miracle managed to book on such late notice, the flowers they were considering, the colors...

Unfortunately, I had to listen to it all over again at dinner later that evening.

When she’d finally run out of steam, Theo smiled indulgently at her and then turned to me. “So now that we know your mother had a wonderful day, how was yours, India?”

Like the previous nights, we sat around the informal dining table, the four of us, pretending that we were all comfortable in one other’s company.

“It was good,” I lied.

“Did you show India around, Eloise? Introduce her to everyone?”

“Of course, Daddy.” It was Eloise’s turn to lie.

I noted the way her fingers tightened around her fork so hard her knuckles went white.

It gave me pleasure knowing she was waiting for me to out her for not doing her daughterly duties.

I let the moment pass and watched her hand relax.

“Are you liking your classes?” Theo said.

“So far.” I looked over at Eloise. I wanted her to know that maybe I didn’t need her, after all. “And Mr. Franklin, my Modern European History teacher, is the head faculty member on the paper. He asked me to send some old articles to him. Kind of like an interview for a spot on the paper.”

Hayley and Theo looked delighted. Hayley actually wore a look of pride as she said, “Well, that’s wonderful.”

“First the paper and then the theater,” Theo said, his attention now on his daughter. “Eloise, did you ask about a job for India behind the scenes?”

“No, Daddy. Not yet.”

He frowned. “India has already missed out on the first few weeks of school. Time is of the essence. I’d like you to try harder tomorrow.”

She blushed at his admonishment. “Yes, Daddy.”

The rest of the dinner conversation was carried by Hayley and Theo and it mostly covered the wedding and Hayley asking for my soon-to-be stepdad’s opinion on flowers and themes and crap I’m sure he really wasn’t that interested in.

I was happy to be excused from the table once I’d finished my dessert but I refused to completely give in to my new life. I found myself grabbing up my plate before Theo’s staff could, ignoring him as he called out to me that “Janelle will do that!”

Instead I took my dirty plate and glass into the kitchen and then promptly stopped short at the sight before me. Gretchen was scraping a huge chunk of leftover meat loaf into the trash. An oven dish half-filled with potato dauphinoise was sitting on the counter, ready to be thrown out, too.

My skin tingled unpleasantly as I felt an immediate cold sweat prickle my face, my palms and under my arms. My heart was hammering way too hard in my chest. “What are you doing?” I said shakily, taking a step toward her.

Gretchen looked up in surprise. “Clearing up.”

“Stop.” I hurried over and looked down into the trash can. My chest tightened at the sight of the food inside it. “You just threw away half a meat loaf!”

“Miss, leave your plate and glass. I’ll clean it up,” Gretchen said tetchily as she reached for the potatoes.

“No!” I grabbed ahold of the other end of the dish and her eyes grew round with surprise. “You can’t just throw perfectly good food out!”

“Miss, please let go of the potatoes.”

“No!”

“Miss, please.” Her face grew pale.

“What is going on in here?” I heard Theo’s authoritative voice behind us.

My grip on the dish tightened.

“Sir, I’m just trying to clear up the waste and Miss Maxwell got very upset.”

“India.” A hand curled around my wrist and I followed it up to Hayley’s concerned face.

“It’s not waste,” I whispered. “It’s perfectly fine leftovers.”

I saw the pain in Hayley’s eyes at my words and she reached up to brush my cheek with her fingertips. “Sweetie,” she whispered back.

“We can’t just throw it out.”

“I know.” She nodded and looked over my shoulder. “Darling, India’s right. We should be keeping the leftovers or giving them to a local shelter. It’s a lot of food to throw away.”

I felt the warmth of Theo’s presence as he stepped up beside us and peered into the trash can. “Do you throw out this much food every day?”

Gretchen swallowed hard. “Not every day, sir. Sometimes.”

“Well, it does seem like a lot. India and Hayley are right. You and the staff will share the leftovers between you from now on, is that understood?”

“Yes, sir.” Gretchen slumped with relief, I imagine because Theo hadn’t given her any more crap about it.

As for me, my heartbeat began to slow but I still wasn’t completely reassured. “You will use the leftovers, right?”

I could tell she thought I was nuts but still she answered soothingly, “Yes, miss. I have a teenage son who eats me out of house and home. The leftovers will be welcome.”

The tension drained out of me. “Good.” I sucked in a huge breath of air. “Thanks.”

She gently tugged on the oven dish and I let it go, stepping back.

“I must say, India, I find your attitude quite refreshing.” Theo gave me an affectionate smile.

My return smile was tremulous.

He thought I was being socially and economically conscious. He had no idea about my issues with food.

Hayley knew, though.

She rubbed my arm and turned me away from Gretchen. “You’ve had a long day, sweetie. Why don’t you make it an early night?”

I nodded, and turned around to find Eloise standing near the door to the kitchen, watching me.

Crap.

The last thing I needed was her witnessing my weirdness.

CHAPTER 4

HE WAS EATING DOUGHNUTS. They were fresh and I could smell them. Carla had brought them.

My stomach clenched painfully.

“I can’t keep eating ’em if she’s gonna look at me like a feral cat,” Carla complained. “Just fucking give her some food, Ed.”

“Little bitch isn’t getting a thing until I say so. She knows what she did.” He glared at me.

I didn’t know what I did.

I just knew it didn’t take much.

“Well, she’s freaking me out.” Carla shoved the box of doughnuts away.

“Fine.” He stood up abruptly and grabbed up the box of baked goods. Eyes on me the whole time, he strode across the trailer to the trash can, stood on the pedal that opened the lid and one by one he dropped the doughnuts inside.

I hated him.

I tightened my arms around my knees and shoved my face against my skin to block him out.

“I gotta go to work.”

“She ain’t going to school?”

“Nah. They’d feed her.”

“She could just eat while you’re gone.”

“I emptied every inch of the place.” He laughed, a wheezy sound I hated just as much as I hated him.

“You’re sick,” she said.

If she thought so, why didn’t she do something?

I felt a stinging burn against my head, the crack of his hand echoing in my ears. I winced and looked up at him.

He sneered down at me. “Don’t move a muscle or I’ll know.”

I nodded, so relieved when they were gone.

I waited a while before I dragged my tired body over to the trash can. I pulled the doughnuts out, wiping cigarette ash and some spicy sauce off a few of them before I shoveled them into my mouth. And I cried the whole time.

* * *

By the end of second period the next day, I knew bulimic had been added to my roster of fictional problems after a girl I didn’t know leaned across her desk as I finished an energy bar before Calculus 2 started.

“Bryce Jefferson told me all about you so I need advanced warning if you’re going to puke that up, because I don’t handle vomit very well.” She wrinkled her nose at me.

I blinked at her, confused for a few seconds, before it dawned on me that Eloise had told Bryce about my kitchen escapade the night before, and Bryce had clearly told everyone else. It was bad enough the whole thing had given me nightmares I didn’t want—I didn’t need this crap.

“I’m not bulimic. But it’s good to know you are so concerned about a possibly life-threatening disorder affecting a classmate. You should win an award or something for most compassionate student. No, wait. I mean the most self-centered dipshit award.”

Her mouth fell open in outrage and she shifted her entire desk away from mine with a screech across the hardwood floors.

That probably wasn’t the best way for me to go about making new friends.

As it turned out I shouldn’t have worried too much about alienating one of my classmates. By Day Four at Tobias Rochester, Eloise’s friends had done that for me. I had not made one friend and the only classmate that spoke to me at all was Gabe, and that was to flirt with me briefly in the cafeteria. It didn’t make me feel too special, however, because it became clear as he mingled with other students that Gabe flirted with a lot of girls.

I’d also exhausted all avenues regarding extracurricular activities. It turned out every team was full—the debate team, yearbook, events committee... I’d even asked about the math and science teams but apparently only geniuses were allowed and I was rejected because of my mere above-average brain. As for athletics, they had no soccer team so I was already at a disadvantage. I couldn’t play basketball or lacrosse, I couldn’t fence or dance (at least not at the level Tobias Rochester dance team could), I couldn’t sail, row or play rugby or squash. The only thing I was good at was running but the cross-country team was full, which left me with just plain old running. Not exactly a team sport but I signed up, anyway.

Tobias Rochester was a small and competitive school. If you didn’t get your foot in the door of a team the first day of the school year it was doubtful you ever would.

The only other extracurricular options left to me were the Tobias Rochester Chronicle and whatever Eloise could rustle me up in the theater. I still hadn’t heard from Franklin and every time I walked into Modern European History I braced myself for disappointment.

On Friday I did just that as I strode into his class.

“India,” Franklin said as soon as I stepped into the room, “see me after class, please.”

I sucked in a breath and nodded, not wanting to get my hopes up. Part of me wished he would just tell me before class started so I knew one way or the other if my school career was destined for the toilet.

Settled at my seat, I kept my head down, not looking up when the seat next to me scraped back. My breathing came a little faster and I hated that Finn made me apprehensive. I refused to acknowledge his presence just as he’d ignored my existence for the last four days. We’d passed one another in the hall and, like Eloise, he’d looked anywhere but at me. He never spoke to me in the three classes we shared and he’d also ignored me last night when Eloise had her crew over to hang out by the pool and eat pizza. Thankfully Theo and Hayley hadn’t been home so I wasn’t forced to go out and sit with them all.

I did think it was weird that last night was the first time I’d seen Finn at the house since my first day there. Plus, he’d never been there alone. It bugged me that I was so curious about his and Eloise’s relationship. Why should I care?

I cut Finn a look out of the corner of my eye. He was wearing a dark blue Henley with black jeans. All week I’d seen him in shirts that were rolled up at the sleeves and suit pants. Today his top was more fitted, highlighting his broad shoulders and slim waist. I’d discovered Finn was the only junior on the school’s very distinguished rowing crew, and to top that he was the stroke, the most important position in the boat. The stroke was the rower closest to the stern and set the stroke rate and rhythm for the rest of his crew to follow. In a way he was kind of like their leader, their captain.

Turning my focus on Franklin, I listened as he went over what we’d been discussing all week. Toward the end of class he sat on his desk and grinned at us in a way that made me wary. That was a grin that wanted something from us.

“So,” he said, “I’m going to split you into pairs and each team is going to give the class a verbal and visual presentation in two weeks.”

The tops of my ears got hot at Franklin’s announcement. This could either be a very good thing for me, or a very bad thing. If Franklin teamed me up with someone I didn’t know, then there was a chance I could straighten out a few of those rumors and actually make a friend. But if Franklin teamed me up with—

“Finn and India, you’ll be partners. Your topic is the Lisbon earthquake of 1755 and its social and political effects on the rest of the world.”

I was screwed.

I tensed as Franklin smiled at us, completely unaware of the major disaster he was creating.

I didn’t hear a word he said after that.

Bracing myself, I turned to Finn.

The muscle in his jaw ticked.

So he was pissed.

Well, that just pissed me off.

“Looks like you’re going to have to make eye contact with me,” I said.

He turned his head slightly to look at me. “Looks like it.”

“You know I’m not really a drug addict, right? Your good buddy Gabe made that crap up.”

His lips quirked at the corner.

My God...was that an actual semismile?

“I know,” he said.

“So that should make working with me a little more reassuring.”

I got no reply.

“You do also know that there is actual talking involved in a verbal presentation?”

“Was it the word verbal that gave it away?” he said.

I smirked. “I’m just pointing out that you’re going to have to work on this whole brooding monosyllabic thing you’ve got going on if we’re going to get a good grade.”

“Noted.”

“I guess you’re going to start working on it tomorrow, then.”

He sighed and sat back in his chair to look at me fully. “Do you have a smart reply to everything?”

“Not to Toaster Strudel.”

If I wasn’t mistaken that little quirk at the corner of his lips came back.

Did Finn actually have a sense of humor?

Before I could say anything more the bell rang, ending class. Finn immediately gathered his stuff.

“Before you go, we should arrange a time to meet up for this presentation.”

“After school Monday? I don’t have rowing then.”

“Sure. Where?”

“Front gate.” And with that clipped response he strode away.

Once the class had filtered out to head for lunch, I made my way over to Franklin. My heart rate was a little fast.

Do not get your hopes up. Do not get your hopes up, I chanted over and over in my head.

“India, thanks for staying behind,” Franklin said when I approached.