The Swallow's Nest

Lilia had expected these questions soon after her arrival, but she wasn’t surprised Nalani had waited until now. She and her mother always had their most serious talks while they set out food. Until now she had asked very little, letting Lilia begin the healing process first.

“I make a decision. Then I change my mind. I’m a mess.”

“You love him.”

Lilia was no longer sure present tense worked. “I did love him. I don’t know what I feel now.”

“You think he was unfaithful more often than he said?”

“I don’t know.” She straightened the bowls of food until they were in a perfect line, although nobody would notice. “Wouldn’t somebody have found a way to tell me? Our marriage was out there where people could watch it. My website, the how-to videos we did together, the renovations Graham did on our house. Our relationship was almost public property. Wouldn’t somebody have told me if things weren’t the way they seemed?”

“People don’t always like to give bad news. But before this happened? Most people would have said Graham was honest no matter what it cost him. When he stood up to his father and went public with the problems at the Randolph Group, he lost his parents. But he did it anyway.”

“Some might. But he never had his parents, so what was there to lose?”

“And after having you, would he take a chance on losing you?”

“He clearly did.”

“So you’re still not sure he’s telling the truth?”

In the past week Lilia had asked herself that question over and over. On long walks at the beach and hikes on a mountain trail. “What he told me may be true. But what about now, Mama? He has a son. Not my son. His.”

She thought about Eli’s confession on the way home from the airport and wondered how her brother had found the inner strength, the goodness, to raise Amber’s firstborn as his own. At the moment she couldn’t find hers.

“You need more time. And a friend to talk to.”

“I have you. That’s enough.”

“There’s a difference in generations, and a difference between mainland and here.”

As her mother went into the house for more food, Lilia thought about that. The difference wasn’t imaginary. In the islands, family or ohana was primary, but it was far more than blood ties. Boundaries were fluid, and family included those who might be related or even wanted to be. Lilia shouldn’t have been surprised Eli had chosen to raise Amber’s son as his own. The individualism that was held up as an American value was not as valued here.

The Swallows heritage was mixed, but in this way, they were most like their native Hawaiian ancestors. When her Auntie Alea could no longer care for herself without help, various family members had taken turns staying with her in California until Lilia took on the job full-time. Nobody had considered engaging professionals. Help came from within.

Lilia sometimes felt she was walking a high wire strung between cultures, but when her mother returned, one thing was easy to put into words. “There might be a difference between generations, Mama, but nobody’s advice is as good as yours.”

“I have no advice. You have to walk your own path. I could tell you to forgive, and if you couldn’t, then you would carry the burden of my advice, as well as your own sadness.”

“I want somebody to fix this.”

Her mother was close enough to reach out and stroke her daughter’s cheek. “There is no one but you, Lilia Alea.”

The next half hour was filled with greetings, serving, sharing stories and catching up on family and local gossip. For the most part Graham’s absence was ignored, although a petite cousin pulled her to one side and told her she would personally go to San Jose on her next business trip to the mainland and slap him around if Lilia just gave her the go-ahead.

The air was filled with the scents of plumeria, pork roasting in an outdoor oven her brothers had built for her mother, fragrant pikake and ginger leis. For the most part the women were clad in flowered sundresses or muumuus, although some of the younger ones wore jeans, and the men wore aloha shirts patterned with flowers and local scenery. Her youngest brother, Jordan, a professional surfer, arrived in the striped board shorts he’d worn in his last successful competition and announced he planned to wear them until the next one.

Lilia noted that her father kept track of her, and when he sensed she was trapped in conversations for too long, he came to the rescue. Joe Swallow, former cop and now the owner of his own security firm, wasn’t a man who was comfortable talking about feelings, his or anybody else’s, but nobody ever doubted his devotion.

Several hours into the commotion, as Kai’s little band turned up the volume, new supplies of food arrived, and more neighbors arrived to listen, her father sought her out.

“A friend of yours is here.”

Lilia thought everybody she’d met in her years on Kauai was already at the party. Her head was beginning to ache, and she wasn’t sure she would be able to talk to one more person. An hour ago she had reached her saturation point, and now the evening was becoming a complicated jumble of thoughts and emotions.

Her father motioned. She followed him to the front of the house in time to glimpse a woman with strawberry blonde hair getting out of a cousin’s old Toyota. A moment passed before Lilia recognized her.

“Regan?” She moved forward, past her father, and the other woman ran straight into her arms. “I can’t believe you’re here!”

“Tell me I really am, okay? I feel like I’m still on an airplane.”

They held each other until Lilia thanked her cousin and finally backed away. Now Nalani’s comment about a friend made perfect sense.

“My mother knew you were coming?”

“She thought you would enjoy the surprise. And the company.”

“She didn’t think I had enough company?” Lilia nodded toward the house and the roar from the back.

“Not exactly like me.”

Lilia linked arms with her friend. “I’ll introduce you to everybody. That will take hours. Don’t worry about how any of us are related because we never do. Call all the older women Auntie and you’ll be fine. And then when we can, we’ll sneak away. If you’re not too tired?”

“I can only stay till Tuesday. I don’t plan to sleep.”

“I’ve subscribed to that plan lately. It’s not a good one.” She stopped walking and turned to face her friend. “Just tell me Graham didn’t put you up to coming.”

“Lilia...” Regan frowned and shook her head.

“Your brother?”

“Is sick with worry. But coming was my idea. In fact I didn’t tell either of them, not that I’ve talked to Graham.”

“You’re not in charge of the baby?”

“You told me to stay away, remember? I listened. In his favor, he never asked.”

Lilia realized how much she wanted to know about the situation back in Willow Glen, and at the same time, how little. She was glad that right now, she had other priorities. “Are you hungry?”

“Starving. I smell food.”

“You’ll never go hungry here.”

“I’ll eat if you will.”

Lilia was surprised that eating actually sounded good now. In fact what she’d thought of as a permanent knot in her stomach was beginning to unravel. “Let’s load our plates. Then we’ll make the rounds.”

“So, I’m a good surprise?”

Lilia squeezed her friend’s arm. “Of all the surprises I’ve had lately, you are the very best.”

9

Plantation architecture arrived in the Hawaiian islands in the early twentieth century. The houses, for workers in the pineapple and sugarcane fields, suited the climate. They were often framed in wood, with wide-hipped roofs, vertical plank siding, and lanais for ventilation and extra living space.

The Swallows’ cottage had been built by Lilia’s great-grandparents and added on to, as was common, but the lanai that wrapped around three sides of the house was the crowning jewel.

On the morning after the family luau Lilia found Regan sprawled in a chair in the front with her eyes closed. She was wearing fresh clothing topped with a sadly wilted ginger lei she’d been given at the party. Last night she’d slept on the bed in the loft, where island breezes swept across the narrow expanse from opposing windows. For the Swallow children, sleeping there had been a reward for good behavior.

Invariably Lilia and Graham had slept in the loft on their visits. This time, for obvious reasons, she was sleeping on the daybed in what was now her mother’s sewing room.

With a cup in one hand she plopped down in a neighboring chair to sip her mother’s excellent coffee. She closed her eyes, too. “How’d you sleep?”

Regan didn’t open her eyes. “Am I awake?”

“You’d better be. This is our only full day together. I wish you could have gotten more time off.”

“You have any idea what a miracle it is that I got any time off at all? Hello? Remember tax season?”

Lilia knew March and April were crunch months for Regan, an accountant at a prestigious firm. “I appreciate that, and you.”

“I’m sorry we never got to talk yesterday.”

“If I’d dragged you away from my brother, he would have pulled out every embarrassing story he remembered and shared it.”

“I’d forgotten how cute he is.”

“And how young he is...”

“Three years, Lilia. Just three years younger than I am. That’s nothing.”

“Jordan’s married to his surfboard.”

“He’s coming to Huntington Beach in September to compete.”

“You’re so funny. You won’t even remember his name by September.”

Regan didn’t deny it. Like her own brother, she never seemed to settle down. “I think I kind of disappeared last night. The party was still going on when I went upstairs and tested the bed, just to see how it was, and that’s what I remember. I’m sorry. What are we doing today?”

“There’s not enough time in the world to do everything you’ll want to.”

“Whatever was in that punch Jordan gave me was lethal. I need advice, preferably delivered in short sentences.”

“We can swim, snorkel, hike, shop.” Lilia opened her eyes. The sun was creeping steadily across the lanai. In a few minutes they would need to move. “Whatever works best with your rum-addled brain.”

“Where would we hike?”

“We could walk up the Sleeping Giant.” Regan had forced her eyes open, too, and Lilia gestured to the mountain beyond them. “Can you see his profile?”

Regan squinted. “Maybe. The view’s priceless even without the fantasy. But now I remember what I’d really like to see. The Na Pali coast. Carrick told me all about his visits to the Randolphs’ house there. He said the house overlooked a fantastic beach.”

The long hikes Carrick and Graham had taken along the coast to get away from the Randolphs had later bloomed into Carrick’s passion for exploring. These days he spent whatever time he could eke out of his law practice backpacking through the West, an antidote, Lilia supposed, to too much time in offices and courtrooms.

“I know they sold the property a long time ago,” Regan said, “but can we still get down to the beach from there?”

Lilia certainly knew which beach Regan was referring to. She wondered if her friend knew the story of her last day there with Graham and Carrick, when they were still teenagers. Or had Carrick told his sister about his trips to Kauai and left out that account?

She hadn’t been to Kauapea Beach in years. There were plenty of other beaches that didn’t come with memories, but since her future might well be spent putting memories behind her, she supposed she could start today.

“The path down is steep, and this time of year the currents are probably too strong to swim. But we might be able to splash around in tidal pools.”

“Just lying in the sun for a while sounds great.”

“Done deal then.” Lilia got to her feet. “I’m going to change. Did you bring sturdy shoes?”

“Running shoes. Nothing fancy.”

“Perfect. The trail down is red clay. You’ll get dirty. Wear your suit and a cover-up you don’t care about.”

“I’ll get up in just one minute. If I can remember how.”

Lilia held up her mug. “This is my mother’s Kona coffee, and there’s a cup in the kitchen with your name on it.”

Regan stood and stretched. “I just remembered.”

* * *

On her first trip to the mainland, Lilia had found traveling in straight lines as amazing as the number of cars in California. The trip to Kauapea Beach, known as “Secrets,” meandered along the coastline past Kealia Beach, Anahola and inland before it took a sharp turn north. Since they were on Hawaiian time, they meandered, pulling over for better views. Once they were on the North Shore they took a detour and visited the Kilauea lighthouse and wildlife refuge to stretch their legs and look for nesting seabirds. Back on the road they stopped at a farm stand, and Lilia bought Regan a lei from a woman who had made them herself that morning.

She had asked her father for directions to the parking lot, accessible but not advertised, so it wouldn’t attract crowds. He had warned that a number of new homes had gone up along this familiar stretch of coast, and now she witnessed the reality.

After parking she gathered herself to relive the past. “We can walk along the road, and I’ll show you where Graham’s family stayed.”

“Carrick used to talk about that house until I wanted to scream. I was so jealous. I was too young to realize traveling with the Randolphs came at a price.”

“Carrick got along. He figures out what people need, then he gives it to them.”

“Within reason.”

“But that’s how he managed the Randolphs. Ellen needed polite conversation, and Douglas needed strict adherence to rules and no interruptions.”

“Is that how you got along with them?”

“Me? I was a shadow. My mother was the estate manager, and my father’s company provided security, but our whole family pitched in whenever a job had to be done quickly. Douglas never even realized I was alive until... Well, until.”

“That’s not a bad thing. It’s when he does notice that things get uncomfortable.”

They got out and chatted about nothing for a few minutes, stepping to the side of the road when cars approached. Lilia tried to get her bearings. Finally she stopped. “I think this is where their property was.” She pointed ahead where five magnificent homes were set back from the cliff overlooking the water. “It looks like they took down the original houses and built those in their place. Douglas was just holding the property until he could get permission to subdivide and build, but it took years. I can’t even imagine how much money he made when permission was finally granted.”

“A drop in the Randolph bucket.”

The new homes were lovely and lavish, but Lilia could still remember what the land had looked like years ago. “The old house was graceful, plainer than these and dated, but it had four bedrooms, views from every window. There was a guest cottage with a lap pool built to look like a natural lagoon, an orchard with avocados, mangoes, lychee, a gatehouse. The Randolphs only came a few times a year, but sometimes guests arrived and stayed a week or two without them. From the beginning, this was an investment. I doubt either of them had a sentimental thought about it.”

“How old were you when you met them?”

“Ten. Graham was eleven.” She turned away from the memories. “Let’s find the path down to the beach. It’s behind us and not always easy to spot.”

The trip down was steep and in places rugged, although more cultivated now than Lilia remembered. They moved through a hala and ironwood forest. She had a backpack with their lunch and towels, and they took their time to negotiate the narrow root-choked path. While the locals hadn’t managed to keep the beach a secret, getting to it still took experience or careful instructions. By the time they emerged onto pale golden sand, Regan was panting.

“Wow!” Regan moved forward and spun around. “Lilia, this is heaven.”

“It is pretty amazing.” In front of them was the turquoise ocean, behind them the rugged cliffs. Outcroppings of black lava dotted the waterline, and waves crashed against rock, sending silver sea spray high into the air.

“I’ve never been anywhere this beautiful.” Regan started forward but Lilia took her arm.

“Just remember to stay back, okay? Surf’s high today, and people get carried out more often than you think. We’ll head east and see if we can find a tidal pool where we can cool off. There’s a waterfall, too.”

An hour later, after splashing in the pool under the waterfall and immersing themselves in a larger one close to the shore, they walked far enough that they were well away from the dozen or so people who had gotten to the beach before them. To the east the lighthouse stood guard high above, and behind them, red cliffs anchored with evergreens and ferns towered like castle walls.

They spread towels and reapplied sunscreen. Then they lay down where the cliff provided a little shade.

Despite sunglasses Regan shaded her eyes with her hand. “Shade? Sunscreen? I’m still a redhead. I’d better not stay here too long.”

Lilia was staring at the water. “This is one of the longest beaches on the island.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t been here lately.”

“Carrick never told you about our last afternoon together on this beach?”

“Not in so many words. But I have the feeling it didn’t end happily.”

“We were teenagers. It might bore you.”

“Tell you what, I have a story to tell, too. We can trade.”

Intrigued, Lilia settled back and closed her eyes. “Graham and I were friends first, but you know that. The day we met? Ellen called my mother early that morning to say they were coming sooner than planned and asked her to have a meal ready. They had a chef for the rest of the week but would need her help that day.”

“That’s how I always travel. With a chef, butler, lady’s maid. You, too?”

Lilia laughed. “I was trying to stay out of my mother’s way while she finished setting out the meal she’d prepared. They’d brought guests, and Douglas was at his most charming, but Mama knew how quickly that could change. So before he could complain about me, she chased me outside. She’d roped my brothers into coming with us, to get everything ready outdoors while she cooked. They drove separately, and I expected to leave with them when she stayed on, but they took off without me.”

“Brothers.” Regan knew.

“Graham was tossed out, too, or left on his own. I thought he was from another planet.” She paused. “Too bad I didn’t roll my eyes and walk away, huh?”

“Things might be simpler now.”

Lilia pushed on. “I thought he didn’t know how to smile. We played Frisbee until I fell backwards into the pool with the Frisbee clutched to my chest. He did smile then, even laughed. And he kept smiling and laughing afterwards, every time I saw him. We became friends, although his parents didn’t realize it. I was just the little brown-skinned babysitter. Eventually they brought your brother along to take him off their hands even more.”

“Carrick always knew that.”

“Since he loves Graham like a brother, he was willing to go along. And hey, this is Hawaii. Why wouldn’t he come?”

“Did you ever wonder why the Randolphs chose him?”

“I assumed because they were roommates at school.”

“Did you wonder how that happened, too? My father’s a college professor, an immigrant from Ireland, no less, so we’re not exactly in their social or economic class.”

“They take what they need, right? They tolerated little ol’ foreigner me.”

“Um, Hawaii is a state.”

“Too recently to count. Carrick used to say he and I were founding members of the Wretched Refuse Society. Anyway the two of us were acceptable enough to make sure Graham left them alone.”

Regan rested her hand on Lilia’s arm. “Here’s the real reason Carrick was acceptable. Douglas wanted my father to come to work for him.”

Regan’s father taught economics at a small Pennsylvania college. He was known in academic circles for having eccentric ideas about the world economy and publishing papers nobody wanted to read. He was as charming as his son.

“Douglas wanted your father? At Randolph Group?”

“Douglas may be cow poop on the heel of your favorite sandal, but he’s brilliant, and he knows Da is, too. Douglas was probably instrumental in getting Carrick a full scholarship to prep school and maneuvering them into letting Graham and Carrick room together.”

“Why is this news to me?”

“Why would either Carrick or Graham talk about it? If it’s true, they were manipulated into becoming friends. But whether or not it is, Da was happy teaching and working on a book nobody will ever read, so he refused all offers. But he does give Douglas financial advice from time to time. Which means if any of this is true, his plan paid off. At least a little.”

“I remember the first time I met Carrick. I think he was fourteen. I liked him right away.”

“Did you have a crush on either of them?”

Lilia crossed her arms under her head and tried to remember how all this had started. “I was surrounded by boys at home, so they held no mystery. Graham and Carrick were nicer than my brothers, and I just liked being with them. They came from a different world, too. Of course as the years passed, things changed a little.”

“How so?”

She wasn’t sure how to phrase the difference. “We all became more aware of each other. They began to compete for my attention, and I liked it. The two were so different, but they were both attractive and fun to be with. Carrick is open and easy. Graham is more closed off. I’m sure every time he tried to open up, a door was slammed in his face by one parent or the other.” She realized she sounded sympathetic, and that annoyed her.

“What happened on the beach?”

All these years later the scene was absolutely clear, because all of them had been so humiliated. “I was fifteen, and it was summer. I think both Ellen and Douglas finally realized I might be more than unpaid help, because my invitations to visit dropped off.”

“You were probably a knockout. How could they not notice?”

“One afternoon Graham called to say he and Carrick were at the house for a week and asked if I wanted to go swimming. My mother was going to a neighboring estate to oversee the installation of outdoor lights, so she gave me a ride. When I got there I found out that Graham’s parents were in town having lunch with business associates.”

“Maybe that’s why they called you.”

“I’m sure. Graham wanted to hike down here to swim. In those days the path was even more challenging, and two years before he’d tried it after a heavy rain and broken his wrist. Ellen had strictly forbidden him from coming here, but that day he said it was ridiculous to live so close to a beach he couldn’t use. He was determined to come down again with or without us.”

“Sixteen and finally ready to challenge authority, huh?”

“I suppose. I didn’t want him going alone, but it was clear he planned to, unless we went along. Once Graham makes up his mind, there’s no stopping him. Witness the fact that he decided to have a baby without his wife.”

“Is it hard to talk about him? You could just leave me hanging.”

Lilia grunted. “I showed them the best way down. The water was a lot calmer that day than it is now. We bodysurfed and watched for dolphins and whales. Then we walked this way to see the falls before going back. Graham wanted to make sure he was home before his parents got there.”

Regan sat up and slapped more sunscreen on her legs. “It’s strange to be right here while you tell this story.”

“When he asked what we would see farther east I told him the truth.”

“Which is?”

“Farther that way,” she pointed, “people like to take off their clothes to sunbathe. The far edges on both ends are known as nude beaches.”

“Whoa. Sixteen-year-old boys. Nude beach.”

“Uh-huh. I might as well have tossed a lighted match into a gallon of kerosene. I was embarrassed, but I was persuaded to walk with them because they were going to go anyway, and I wanted to be sure they knew how to get back up the path. I told them we would look from a distance, and that’s as much as we would do because it was getting too late to go farther. Some couples were sunbathing, but without binoculars that was all we could see. Even so the possibilities made me uneasy.”