The Schemer

‘Nope. It’s better than that. Gonna have to go now, got no more change on me. See you tomorrow afternoon. Love you.’

Barry put the phone down and stared at it in shock. His mum had been nice, too nice, and that worried him greatly. Convincing himself that Marlene was either pregnant or had had a personality transplant, Barry smiled at his own humour and dashed upstairs to have a bath. He couldn’t wait to see Steph and, as soon as his mum arrived home, he would tell her his own big secret as well. He was in love with the girl across the road, and if his mother didn’t like it, she would have to bloody well lump it.

Stephanie and Tammy giggled excitedly as they sat on the top deck of the 174 bus that took them to Romford. They had had a great morning mooching around the Dagenham Sunday Market and had both treated themselves to the latest number one record, Billy Joel’s ‘Uptown Girl’.

‘I can’t wait till we get posh jobs up London. We’ll be uptown girls then, won’t we?’ Stephanie said, staring at the cover of the seven-inch vinyl.

Tammy lit up two cigarettes and handed one to her pal. ‘I dunno if I wanna get a job in an office up town now. My sister’s new boyfriend is a policeman and he’s been telling me loads about his job. It sounds dead exciting, so I think I might be a copper.’

Stephanie burst out laughing. ‘You are joking, ain’t ya?’

Tammy shook her head. ‘Nah, I ain’t. I think I might get bored being stuck in an office or bank from nine till five. Being a copper must be brill.’

‘Well, don’t be saying you wanna be a copper when we get to Pizza Hut, will you? Jacko’s a member of that West Ham football hooligan gang and my Barry is an illegal fly pitcher,’ Steph reminded her.

Seeing the funny side of her career choice, Tammy giggled. ‘So, have you done anything with Barry yet or what?’

‘No, nothing much.’

‘What’s nothing much mean? Have you let him tit you up or finger you yet? You ain’t wanked him off, have you?’ Tammy asked, excitedly.

‘Ssh,’ Steph replied, as she noticed a lady turn around from the seat in front and give them both a filthy look. She had let Barry fondle her breasts and put his hand inside her knickers, but she wasn’t about to discuss that on the 174 bus.

‘Tell me then?’ Tammy whispered, impatiently.

‘No, not on here. Tell me about you and Jacko. You seemed ever so cosy the other night. Do you like him, Tam?’

‘Yeah, but only as a mate. I ain’t Jacko’s type, Steph, and even if I were I wouldn’t want your bleedin’ sister’s leftovers. We do get on well though. He’s more of a laugh and so much nicer than I ever thought he would be. I used to think he was so up his own arse, but he ain’t when you really get to know him, is he?’

Stephanie nodded in agreement.

‘So, when you gonna shag Barry then?’ Tammy asked, in her usual none-too-quiet voice.

The woman who had looked around earlier stood up and glared at the girls. ‘Charming!’ she mumbled, as she moved seats.

Unable to stop themselves, both Stephanie and Tammy burst out laughing.

Pam had been not only surprised, but also delighted by how nice Angela’s boyfriend was. She had been extremely reluctant to welcome Jason O’Brien into her home, as she felt Angie was too young to be having boyfriends, but Jason seemed rather shy, sweet, yet charming at the same time.

‘So what does your mum do on a Sunday, Jason? Does she cook a roast as well?’ Pam asked, trying to find out if the boy came from a decent home.

‘Yes, Mrs Crouch. My mum and dad are both very religious. They go to mass every Sunday morning, but Mum always puts the meat on before they leave, so we all have a nice roast dinner when she gets home.’

Pam glanced at Cathy as if to mentally say: please don’t swear. Linda was out on the lash again, all of them spoke like navvies at times, and now Angela – of all people – had brought home a boy who came from a godly family. ‘So, what church do your parents attend, love?’ Pam asked.

‘My family are Irish Catholics. They go to St Peter’s Church, near the Chequers.’

Pam was Church of England, but knew very little about her religion – or anyone else’s, for that matter. ‘Would you like some dessert now, Jason? I’ve got homemade apple crumble, or there’s plenty of ice cream in the freezer, if you’d prefer that?’

‘You’re not still hungry, are you Jase?’ Angela said, kicking her boyfriend under the table.

‘No thank you, Mrs Crouch. I’m really full up,’ Jason replied, politely.

‘Can we please go upstairs and play some records now, Mum?’ Angela asked, in her innocent, childlike voice.

Pam thought carefully before answering. She refused to let Stephanie and Barry sit in the bedroom together because she found it inappropriate. It was different with Angie though. She had not long turned thirteen, and seeing as her boyfriend came from a church-going family, she really couldn’t see the harm in it. ‘You can, but don’t you dare tell your sister, as I don’t want her sitting upstairs with that Barry,’ Pam replied.

‘Come on, Jase,’ Angela said, grabbing her boyfriend by the hand.

‘And make sure you behave yourselves. I shall be checking up on you regularly, you know,’ Pam shouted out, as her daughter bolted up the stairs with Jason in tow.

Angela pushed Jason against the landing wall, snogged him passionately and smirked. ‘We’ll be on our best behaviour, I can promise you that, Mum.’

Wayne Jackman stared wistfully at Stephanie and Barry as they walked up to the salad bar laughing and joking. He wasn’t jealous of their happiness. He was just annoyed with himself for not taking Steph up on her offer when she had asked him out in the first place.

‘You OK, Jacko? Shall I order us all another drink?’ Tammy asked. They’d been ordering glasses of Coke and sneakily pouring the vodka in from a bottle Barry had bought to the restaurant with him.

‘Yeah, order some more up, girl,’ Wayne replied, chirpily. He liked Tammy, thought she was great fun, but she was no ravishing beauty and he certainly didn’t fancy her. Steph was the looker of the two. She had intelligence and an aura about her, and Wayne could kick himself for choosing her stupid sister over Steph. He must have been mad and blind, but it was too late to do anything about it now. When Barry and Steph returned to the table, Wayne smiled at them. ‘Get the vodka out, Bazza.’

Making sure none of the waitresses were looking, Barry poured a generous amount in all four of their glasses, then screwed the lid back on the bottle. He lifted his glass aloft, ‘To a top geezer who I owe my life to. Happy birthday, Jacko.’

With the washing-up out of the way, Pam flopped down in the armchair opposite Cathy.

‘Shall I open that bottle of wine now?’ Cathy asked, hopefully.

‘No! We can’t keep drinking the bloody stuff, Cath. We’ll have problems before you know it and we’ll have to join that Alcoholic’s Anonymous group. We should just drink it on a Saturday night like we used to, or the odd special occasion.’

Cathy chuckled. Pam could be such an old fuddy-duddy at times. ‘We’re hardly bleedin’ alkies are we? There’s only a couple of poxy glasses each in a bottle. Anyway, it is a special occasion. It would have been my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary today.’

Pam looked at her pal in amazement. ‘But you hated your old man, Cath.’

‘Yeah, I know. Still a bloody special occasion though, ain’t it?’

Pam burst out laughing. Sometimes she didn’t know what she would do without having Cath to lighten up her day. ‘Go on then, you pisshead.’

‘Pot calling kettle,’ Cathy joked.

Suddenly remembering her youngest daughter was up in her bedroom with a boy for the very first time, Pam leapt out of the chair. ‘I’d better go up and check on ’em. They’re a bit quiet up there, ain’t they?’

‘Stop worrying and sit back down. The top forty’s just started and you know how your girls are addicted to listening to them bleedin’ charts. You can guarantee Angie is making that poor boy listen to the rundown like she’s made me and you listen to the shit in the past. She’s only thirteen, Pam.’

‘You reckon that’s all they’re doing, then?’ Pam asked, feeling relieved.

Cathy grinned. ‘Of course it is.’

With the top-forty chart on in the background, Angela released Jason’s big, hard penis from the zip of his jeans and, without warning, shoved it inside her mouth.

‘Oh, Ange. That feels great, but say your mum comes up?’ Jason panted. He had only ever slept with one girl in the past and receiving a blow job was a completely new pleasure for him.

Flicking her tongue over the top of Jason’s penis like Jacko had taught her to do, Angela opened her eyes, glanced at the look of ecstasy on her boyfriend’s face, and sat up.

‘Don’t stop,’ Jason groaned.

Smirking, Angela stood up, wedged her dressing-table chair under the door so that her mum couldn’t get into the room, took her knickers off and lay on the bed. ‘Fuck me,’ she urged Jason.

‘I can’t! I ain’t got no johnnies and it don’t feel right with your mum sitting downstairs.’

‘You don’t need johnnies if you pull it out at the right time, and don’t worry about my mum, she couldn’t get in here even if she tried.’

With his hormones unable to look such a gift horse in the mouth, Jason held his penis in his right hand and rammed it inside Angela as hard as he could.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Stephanie said goodbye to Tammy outside the school gates then, hand in hand, walked home with Barry. Some of the other kids would snigger or make snide remarks over their obvious affection for each other, but Steph and Barry were in their own little bubble and really didn’t care what people said.

‘So, why weren’t Jacko at school today? Do you think he’s still hung-over from yesterday?’ Steph asked her boyfriend.

‘Nah. He told me he weren’t coming in. He’s gone to visit his old man in prison. Wait there, while I use this phone box. I’m gonna ring one of me dad’s mates. I wanna find out if he’s been sentenced yet.’

Stephanie stared at Barry through the glass panels on the big red door. She couldn’t work out by the expression on his face whether the news he was being told was good or bad. ‘Well?’ she asked, as he finally opened the door.

‘Four years he got.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry, Bal,’ Stephanie said, putting her arms around her boyfriend to give him a comforting hug.

‘It ain’t as bad as it sounds. He’ll be out in two if he behaves himself. I used to really like living with him though, Steph. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I moved to Dagenham else I would never have met you, but I hate living with me muvver and sister. They both treat me like I’m their slave. Me sister used to be all right years ago but, since she’s been with her bloke, she’s got even worse.’

‘Surely the council should give your sister a place now she’s pregnant? My mum reckons a lot of these young girls get pregnant on purpose these days, just so they can jump the housing queue,’ Stephanie said.

‘They ain’t allowed to give her a place until she’s sixteen, I don’t think. Her birthday’s the beginning of December, so hopefully she’ll move out then. Oh shit, me muvver’s home already,’ Barry said as they turned the corner.

Stephanie immediately let go of Barry’s hand as she spotted Marlene. She was wearing a short mauve skintight Lycra dress and had a big straw hat on her head. Her sandals were white and they had the biggest stiletto heel on them that Steph had ever seen.

‘Barry!’ Marlene exclaimed, opening her arms and running towards her son.

‘I’d better get indoors,’ Steph said, bluntly. She didn’t want to face the wrath of her mother if she was caught talking to Marlene.

‘I’ll knock for you later,’ Barry said understandingly, as his mum stumbled towards him in her high heels and fell into his arms.

‘Gissa cuddle. I ain’t ’arf missed you, boy. Me and Jake had a wonderful time. We bought you back some bottled sangria and I got you two hundred fags. That girl you were walking along with ain’t your bit of fluff, is she? Can’t stand her fat fucker of a mother. She always looks down her nose at me,’ Marlene said as she clocked where Steph went.

Barry stared at his mother in utter disbelief. He could never remember her cuddling him before, not even when he was a small child – and her saying she had missed him, that was a first as well. As for her buying him presents, she never treated him to sod all and had even forgotten his birthday for the past two years running. Ignoring Marlene’s question about Stephanie, Barry stared her straight in the eyes. ‘I ain’t no div, Mum. Something’s going on, so best you tell me what. Are you getting married? Are you pregnant? Just spit it out, I’m a big boy now.’

Marlene burst out laughing. She hated children, didn’t even like the two she’d given birth to very much. ‘Don’t be so silly. I’d rather sew me fanny up than have any more kids. Got enough on me plate with you and your bleedin’ sister, ain’t I? Where is Chantelle, by the way?’

‘Out with Ajay somewhere. So, are you getting married or what?’

Marlene linked arms with her only son. ‘No, it’s much more exciting than that. Let’s go and open that sangria. We’ll discuss it indoors.’

Pam and Cathy were stuck to the living-room window like two tubes of superglue.

‘Will yous two come away from that window. I don’t want Barry to see you spying on him. It’s embarrassing,’ Stephanie said, annoyed.

Pam watched Marlene tottering up the path in her ridiculously high heels, then turned to face Steph. ‘I really don’t think it’s a good idea that Barry comes over here now his mum’s home, love. You can still see him and that, but don’t bring him indoors and don’t you dare go over there.’

Stephanie looked at her mother in total dismay. ‘But why not? Barry enjoys coming over here. What am I meant to say to him, Mum?’

Pam shrugged. Barry had done nothing wrong, but there was no way he was stepping foot over her threshold now his mother was back home. Say Marlene saw him and came and knocked on the door? Or, even worse, say she expected an invite herself?

‘Please don’t stop Barry from coming round, Mum,’ Stephanie begged.

‘I’m sorry, Steph, but I told you when the boy first came round here that he was only allowed to have dinner and pop in until his mother came back. I will not have my name darkened by being involved with that old slapper, so I’m sorry but the answer’s no. Now, that’s the end of the matter.’

Devastated by her mother’s callousness, Stephanie grabbed her school bag off the sofa and ran up the stairs, sobbing.

Barry pulled a face as he sipped the drink that his mother had given him. He had never drunk sangria before, and in his opinion it tasted vulgar – a bit like sweet vinegar.

‘Don’t you like it, boy? Wanna shot of JD with me instead?’ Jake the Snake asked.

Barry nodded his head. Both his mother and Jake the Snake kept smiling at him and he was becoming more perplexed by the second at their sickly niceness towards him. ‘So, what’s this big news, then?’

Marlene grinned. ‘Jake’s bought a bar in a really posh part of Spain. It’s beautiful, Bal, and it’s gonna be called Marlene’s.’

Barry was well chuffed. If his mother moved abroad and his sister moved out, he would have the whole house to himself. ‘That’s blinding news, Mum. So, when you going out there to live?’

‘Next week. I ain’t telling the authorities I’m living out there though, because I don’t wanna lose me social money or this house, so if anyone asks you, just say we’ve bought a holiday home and we’re flitting backwards and forwards. I can’t wait for you to see it, Barry. It’s top notch and we’re gonna sell all posh food in there as well. Jake’s hired a proper chef, ain’t you, babe?’ Marlene gushed, squeezing her sugar daddy’s hand.

‘Sounds ace. I’ll have to come out there for a holiday one day,’ Barry replied, chirpily.

Marlene burst out laughing. ‘You dopey sod! You’ll be moving out there with us. You’re gonna love it, Bal, and you wanna see the girls out there. You’ll have a field day, son.’

Barry looked at his mother in stupefied shock. ‘I don’t wanna move to Spain. I wanna stay ’ere. I don’t mind having holidays out there, but I like it in England.’

‘Don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud. You’ll love it in Spain. What boy your age wouldn’t wanna be surrounded by the sun, sea and pretty girls. And you’ll be loaded. Jake’s gonna pay you well, ain’t you, Jake?’

‘How’s a hundred sovs a week sound?’ Jake asked, grinning.

‘I couldn’t give a shit if you were paying me a thousand sovs a week, I still wouldn’t wanna go to Spain. I like living in Dagenham. I like my job on the market and I ain’t leaving me girlfriend. I love her too much.’

‘Love! You’re fourteen years old, boy. You don’t know what bleedin’ love is at your age. Anyway, you’ll easily find another bird out in Spain. Tell him how pretty the girls are out there, Jake.’

When Jake began to speak, Barry was so infuriated, he stood up. ‘I ain’t fucking going and you can’t make me go if I don’t wanna,’ he screamed.

Marlene leapt off the sofa and grabbed her son by the shoulders. ‘Oh yes I can! I’m your mother, and now your father ain’t gonna be around to look after you, you have no choice but to live wherever I wanna live.’

‘But what about school? Can’t I finish me schooling and then come out there if you still want me to? I can look after meself, you know that. And what about Chantelle? She’ll be about to keep an eye on me, won’t she?’

‘Don’t give me all that old bollocks about school. You might be clued up and streetwise, but you’re hardly academically bright, are you? You’ve always said you couldn’t wait to leave bloody school and work full time. Well, now’s your fucking chance to make something of your life. Just think of how well off you’re gonna be, earning a ton a week at your age.’

Barry sat back down in the armchair and put his head in his hands. If he hadn’t already met Steph, he would have jumped at the chance of moving to Spain and earning a hundred quid a week, but he couldn’t bear to be parted from her. ‘I ain’t going, Mum. I’m sorry, but I just can’t leave me bird.’

‘You can and you will, boy. Jake needs you to help him run this bar, we both do, so like it or not, that’s what you’ll be doing,’ Marlene snapped back.

‘Can’t you just employ someone else to do it?’

Marlene’s earlier façade of being nice had now all but disappeared and she was becoming more irate by the second at her ungrateful son’s attitude. ‘No, we fucking well can’t! Now you listen to me, Barry. I don’t want you with me in Spain any more than you wanna be there, but we need your help. There’s a lot of heavy lifting and stuff to be done, and we need someone who can keep an eye on the place who we can trust. Jake ain’t as young and fit as you are, so you can do all the donkey work, while me and him run the actual gaff. There is no way we are employing any of them Spaniards, ’cause we can’t stand the greasy bastards, and if we employ a decent English bloke, he’s gonna cost us big bucks. So, like it or lump it, boy, you’re moving to Spain. Now, do yourself a favour and get that smacked-arse face of yours out of my sight before I give you what for, you selfish little fucker.’

Absolutely furious, Barry grabbed his door key and ran out of the house.

Stephanie was lying on her bed crying when Angela came into the room.

‘What’s up? Has Barry dumped you or something?’ Angela asked, hopefully.

‘No, it’s Mum,’ Steph replied, wiping her eyes with the cuff of her sleeve.

‘What’s she done?’

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