Little Drifters: Part 4 of 4

She turned to me, her eyes burning with passion: ‘I don’t ever want to be locked up or told what to do ever again by nobody.’

‘Me too!’

‘We’ll stick together from now, Kathleen! They can’t keep us apart ever again and nobody will stop us doing exactly what we want!’

My heart soared – this is exactly how I felt too. Tara had clearly been through much worse than me in the years we’d been apart but we’d both come out with exactly the same feeling. It was only a matter of time now before I was free too and then Shane and I would come back here and live with Tara.

Tara was still battling her depression over Christmas at Bridget’s but I helped her as much as I could and every day she got a little better. By early January my thoughts had returned to the convent. I was back at Bridget’s house one afternoon and, as I helped her wash and dry teacups in the kitchen, I said: ‘It’s been lovely being over here with you and the others, but I suppose it’s time I should be going back soon.’

Bridget put her head to one side and looked at me, quizzically.

Then she said slowly: ‘But Kathleen, you’re not going back.’

‘What do you mean? Why am I not going back?’

‘The nuns didn’t send you here for a holiday, they sent you for good.’

I was shocked. It never occurred to me that I wasn’t going back to the convent, that I wouldn’t see Lucy, Colin and Libby again.

I had to be certain: ‘Are you sure, Bridget? Are you really sure I’m not going back?’

‘Positive.’

Some part of me wanted to be happy – this was what I’d dreamt of for so long: freedom. But I couldn’t be happy. This wasn’t how it was meant to be! I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my siblings alone in that awful place. And now I knew I’d never see Shane again. I ran upstairs to Annie’s room and locked the door behind me before bursting into tears. Why hadn’t anybody told me? Why had they pretended it was just a holiday? I didn’t understand – I hadn’t had a chance to make any plans, to say goodbye even to my own sisters!

If only I’d known, I could have fixed everything. Now I realised why I’d never been punished for beating up Colleen – this was my punishment. Maybe they’d planned to send me away all along, but, in choosing not to tell me, they denied me the chance to make things right with the ones I was leaving behind. It was so cruel, so cold.

Suddenly, something occurred to me. I went to my bag and dug out the card Grace had given me. I’d forgotten it was there but now I tore open the white envelope. The picture on the front was a posy of violets and roses. As I opened it up, £40 fell out. I stared, disbelieving, at the money in my hand. English pounds! She had changed her own money into pounds!

‘To my dearest little Kathleen,’ the card read. ‘I hope you find happiness in your life and may all your dreams come true. I love you very much. Goodbye for now but I hope we will see each other again one day. Your ever adoring Grace.’

Even Grace had known I wasn’t going back there. Now I started to sob great big, snotty, heaving sobs. I would never see my beloved Grace again!

For a few days afterwards I felt low and sad. My mind kept returning to the ones I’d left behind in St Beatrice’s. Now it was Tara’s turn to cheer me up.

‘Don’t worry, Kathleen. It will be Colin next and then after that the others will come. It won’t be long and then we’ll all be together again.’

It was true – this was a new life for me now and I had to get used to it. Of course it didn’t stop me missing them, or Shane, but for now I had to adjust to a new world. There was too much to think about here for now – for one thing, we had to find a way to support ourselves.

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