Remember My Name: A glamorous story about chasing your dreams

He pulled up outside the flat, and made his usual joke: ‘That’ll be twelve pounds fifty, please, queen.’

He’d tried to charge me for lifts since I was twelve, and he never seemed to get tired of the gag. Instead, I climbed out, grabbed hold of my bag, and gave him his usual tip when he wound the window down—a big kiss on the cheek.

‘Bye, love!’ he shouted cheerily, waving me goodbye as he stopped traffic in both directions with a very anti-social three-point turn. Cabbies, eh?

*

When I walked back into the flat I shared with Ruby, I immediately knew that her boyfriend Keith was round. And I immediately knew they were getting jiggy with it in the bedroom.

None of that makes me Sherlock Holmes—I could actually hear the headboard banging against the wall, and Ruby screaming her head off as Keith performed his manly duties. Uggh.

I shuddered, and slammed the living room door as hard as I could to let them know I was home. There was a pause in the headboard banging, a few giggles, and then it started again. Charming.

Our living room was open plan with our kitchen. And our dining room. And the utility room. In fact, there was just one quite small room, with a couch in front of the TV (one of the old ones with the fat backs), and the cooker and sink and fridge right behind. I was lying about the dining room—there isn’t one. We eat our noodles off trays on our laps, usually while we’re watching crap reality shows and slagging everyone off. It’s a very glitzy lifestyle.

I threw my bag on the couch and put the kettle on to make a coffee. Opening the fridge, I found that Ruby had not only used the last of the milk, she’d put the empty carton back on the shelf. It sat there, mocking me, next to a piece of mouldy cheese and some eye drops I’d used for conjunctivitis two weeks ago.

So much for the comforts of home, I thought, deciding that I should have stayed at Mum and Dad’s after all.

The only other item in there was a bottle of Prosecco—one that Jocelyn’s mum had given us as thanks after the party. And possibly to stop us suing her for emotional trauma. I was amazed that Ruby and Keith hadn’t nabbed it and taken it into their love shack with them, and I grabbed hold of it quickly, just in case they remembered and appeared naked to claim it back.

I opened the cupboard to get a glass, then remembered they were all in the dishwasher—the dishwasher that had broken last week, and we were still waiting for the landlord to get repaired. I didn’t dare look in there. It’d be like a scene from a sci-fi special, complete with new lifeforms. Instead, I popped the bottle open and retreated to my own room.

It was only small, but I’d done my best with it. I’d repainted the crappy box-built furniture in a pretty pastel shade of light green, and the walls were plain and white to make it feel bigger. There wasn’t space for much, but I had a wardrobe, a dresser filled with all my make-up and hair stuff, the mirror spotted with Blu-tacked photos of friends and family. One of Mum and Dad, outside the Michael Bublé concert. One of Luke when he was six and still cute. One of me and Daniel, the night of the school concert … which seemed about a million years ago.

My queen-sized bed was decorated with fairy lights draped around the wrought-iron headboard that made it look like there was a party going on when they were illuminated. Not that it had seen much action recently, I thought, not since Evan, and, despite having a couple of hot flushes when I was crushed up against Jack earlier that day, I intended to keep it that way. Life was simpler without men in it, even if a bed was a lot less fun without a man in it.

I pulled off my clothes, suddenly exhausted, and climbed under the duvet naked. My mum had washed all my bedding for me the day before (like I said, she never stops), and the smell of the fabric softener she’d always used wafted into my nostrils in a way that comforted me far more than the few mouthfuls of chilled booze I’d just swallowed.

Still, I decided to persevere and see just how comforting a whole bottle of Prosecco could be … I thought I deserved it after the day I’d had. And maybe it would give me some inspiration; help me answer a few of the dilemmas I was facing.

I had some decisions to make. On the one hand, the chance to work with Jack Duncan—the chance to be part of Starmaker—was a dream come true. I had a work ethic as well-developed as my mum’s when it came to my music, although I lagged behind a bit on the hoovering front.

I was willing to work—to slog my guts out, in fact. I’d always wanted to be a singer—I’d never entirely given up, no matter how many knock-backs I’d had. No matter how many people had told me I wasn’t quite right: not blonde enough, not cute enough, not sexy enough, not … something enough. All those auditions and meetings that ended in the same conversation: ‘You have a strong voice, but we’re looking for XXX’—and then it was just a matter of filling in the blanks. They were looking for someone older. Or younger. Or Korean. Or, on one occasion, someone fatter—they were going for a plus-sized girl-group vibe. There was always something missing, something not right.

Jack Duncan hadn’t said I wasn’t right, though. He’d said I was fresh, and talented, and authentic, which I knew from watching The X Factor was a good thing. He wanted me to come to London, to meet his mysterious music-biz friend Simon (my heart wished for Cowell, but my head said don’t be so gullible). He was offering me the chance I’d been waiting for—and if it worked out, not only could I be a success, but I could share that success with my family. Pay off their mortgage. Send my mum and dad on that cruise they were always talking about. Make sure that Becky’s baby wanted for nothing. Get Luke a personality transplant.

It wouldn’t just change my life—it would change theirs as well.

But on the other hand—although both my hands were a bit shaky now as I was halfway through that bottle of Prosecco, chugging from the bottle like the pure class I was—I’d have to go to London. I’d have to leave my friends, my home, my family. I loved the bones of my family, and I’d only ever been away from them for a few weeks at a time for shameful holidays to Malia and Ibiza. If I was gone for too long I’d miss Becky’s baby being born, wouldn’t be around to welcome the next generation of Malones set to terrorise the world.

I’d have to leave Ruby, and my other friends, most of whom I’d known since I was a little kid. I’d have to leave Liverpool—a place I’d never dreamed of escaping from.

I’d have to leave my flat. My bed. My Lidl … how could I ever leave my Lidl, I thought, as I felt my eyelids droop shut and found just about enough conscious thought to put the bottle down before I crashed out into snoozeland. Once I was there, I was plunged into a very nice dream involving Jack Duncan, an igloo, a roaring log fire (I wasn’t sure how that would work in an igloo, but hey, it was dream so I was going with the flow), and bearskin blankets that smelled of my mum’s fabric softener …

‘Jess!’ Jack shouted, shaking me by the shoulders. I rolled over on the bearskins, sniffing the fragrance, and sighing.

He shook me again—a bit harder this time—and I decided I might go off him. Shaking a girl like this wasn’t very romantic.

I swatted his hands away, mumbling at him to bugger off and do the dishes, and he yelled again: ‘Jess! Wake up!’

Uggh. I opened one eye, and that was enough to tell me it hurt, and that I should definitely keep the other one shut. I lashed out, and realised that it wasn’t Jack shaking me at all—it was Ruby, her face so close to mine I was tempted to bite her nose off.

I glared at her instead, and pulled the duvet up over my boobs. I was glad I did, as I noticed right then that Keith was lurking in the doorway—his belly, so big he looked like he was about to give birth to miracle triplets, hanging over the waistband of his saggy boxers. He had one hand shoved down the front as well, which made him even more attractive.

‘Good morning, gorgeous,’ he said, leering at me, still poking around in his pants. I felt a bit sick in my mouth, and wished I had a lock on my door.

‘What do you want?’ I said to Ruby, glancing at the bedside clock and seeing it was only six a.m. I hadn’t voluntarily seen six a.m. since I did my Duke of Edinburgh Award and, even then, ‘voluntarily’ was stretching it. Nobody booked party princesses any earlier than ten.

‘Have you got any condoms?’ she asked, as though it was entirely normal. ‘We had one of those multi-packs but we’ve used them all up …’

‘It’s been all aboard the love train,’ added Keith, pulling an imaginary whistle and making ‘wooh wooh!’ noises. Seriously, if I’d had a shotgun, I’d have blasted his head off like one of the zombies on The Walking Dead.

‘No. Now fuck off …’ I muttered, pushing her away. ‘Try the Lidl. And close my door on your way out. And … go and get some bloody milk!’

Ruby backed off, a daft grin on her round face, bundling her almost-naked boyfriend out of the door as she did.

‘All right, Sleeping Beauty,’ she said, ‘I was only asking … no need to bite my head off …’

They giggled their way out of my room, slamming the door shut behind them. Oh. My. God. I was soooo tired. And so hungover. And so bloody fed up of my life.

I sat up, rubbed my eyes clear of the crusty stuff that had magically appeared overnight, and looked at myself in the dresser mirror. My long, highlighted hair was clumpy and tangled and the roots needed doing. My skin was pale and dry from too much party make-up. My blue eyes were exhausted, red-rimmed, and missing the sparkle that even I knew used to live in them.

I was only twenty-two, but I felt like everything was closing in around me. No matter how much I loved my family, no matter how much I loved Liverpool, I needed to make a change. I needed hope. I needed a total life make-over. I needed that chance that Jack Duncan was offering me.

I reached for my phone, his card lying tucked beneath it. It was too early to call, I decided. I suspected people in the music industry slept in even later than princesses. But I could still contact him on the email address.

‘Hi, it’s Jess,’ I typed, as quickly as I could with a hangover and long nails painted candyfloss pink, ‘we met at Jocelyn’s party yesterday. Give me a call when you can.’

I had a small debate about adding some kisses—I mean, everyone does that, don’t they? Ruby even puts kisses on the end of messages to her credit-card company. But no, I thought, let’s keep it professional.

That decided, I pressed send before I could change my mind, and sat very still for a few seconds, wondering if I’d done the right thing or not.

Well, it was too late to worry about that now—I’d already Let It Go.

Chapter 5

Every single member of my family was wearing matching T-shirts. They all had a photo of my face on them—a nice one at least, the Cinderella we used on the party website—and the words TEAM JESSY emblazoned in red capital letters.

Becky’s was stretched over her now just-about-visible baby bump, and Mum’s was so big it hung down to her legging-clad knees. I suspected my dad had ordered them all in the same size—large enough to fit over his Guinness Six Pack—so everyone else was just having to make do.

We were all crowded on the platform at Lime Street Station, waiting for the London train to arrive. We gathered a few curious stares—which takes a lot in Liverpool, believe me—and a few ‘go on, girl’ type comments from men who were already on their third can of Special Brew.

They’d picked me up from the flat in Dad’s taxi, and I was allowed to ride in the front as a special treat. Ruby and Keith had waved me off, and that had started a wave of tears that I had a feeling wasn’t going to stop any time soon. Ruby and I had had our ups and downs, but I’d known her forever, and I was going to miss her.

I was going to miss everyone. Even Luke, and his rugby tackles. If someone rugby tackled me in London, I’d probably emerge without my handbag and my front teeth.

If I was being honest, I was a bit scared. I mean, I’d been to London before, obviously. On school trips. For auditions. To see Mamma Mia in the West End. But living there was a whole different kettle of fish—especially when I was heading to a flat I’d never seen in person, and to a job I didn’t really understand.

Jack had called me back the same day I emailed him.

‘So,’ he’d said, once we’d exchanged small talk. ‘Can I tempt you down to the big city, Jess Malone? Are you ready for the challenge?’

Something in the way he’d said it sounded flirtatious—like he wasn’t just challenging me to come and work at Starmaker. Like he was challenging me was a woman as well. It prompted two reactions. One was horror, in case he just wanted me down there so he could, to put it bluntly, get his leg over. The other was a tingle of excitement that floated around in my tummy like tiny, sex-starved butterflies. He was gorgeous, and I’d been a good girl for a very long time. Maybe I wouldn’t object quite as much as I should if he did want to get his leg over.

The call had been short, and he said he’d get back to me with some details. And now, four weeks later, I was off. Leaving my home, leaving my family, leaving my friends—for my next big adventure. My first big adventure, really. Ruby had already found someone else to take my seat in the Princess Mobile—which didn’t exactly make me feel useful—and Mum and Dad had been absolute saints.

Jack had explained that I’d be joining as a kind of paid intern—I’d do some practical work that would help me get to grips with the way the business worked; get enough money to live on (barely), and he and Simon would work out a mentoring programme for me that would involve singing coaches and studio time and laying down some tracks with one of Starmaker’s producers.

I’d tried to explain it to the folks, to put their minds at rest that I wasn’t moving all the way to London to work as a high-class call girl, but they hadn’t really understood it. Which was fair enough, as I didn’t either—I just had to take the chance.

‘So,’ Luke had said, frowning, ‘it’s a bit like The Apprentice crossed with The X Factor. Are you sure you can’t come up with a really good business idea as well so we can get Dragon’s Den in there too?’

My dad had perked up at that one. He always had some great invention he’d come up with—it was the way he kept his mind busy in a job that involved lots of sitting around. His latest concept was the ‘Mini Ciggie’—literally a half-sized cigarette for people who were trying to give up and just wanted a few puffs, or for drunk people on a night out who were too hammered to smoke a whole one without falling over. He based the psychology of this on the many interesting sights he’d seen in Liverpool while looking for fares on a Saturday night, and had even taken a photo on his phone of all the almost-unsmoked discarded butts outside the smoking spots.

He’d never make it happen—but it kept him ‘out of trouble’, as my mum always said.

The two of them had helped me pay for the deposit on my new flat in Kentish Town, as well as booking my train for me—and paying the extra so I could go first class.

‘Start as you mean to go on, love,’ Dad had said, when I protested that it would cost too much. ‘Nothing but the best for my girl.’

‘Plus, it was only ten quid extra,’ Mum had piped up as she did the dishes.

So now, finally, the big day had come. I was packed. I was ready. I was willing and able to take on the world. And Team Jessy was a blubbering wreck around me.

As the train pulled in and we waited until the queue had cleared, all four of them huddled round, hugging me and kissing me and giving me words of encouragement. By the time I had to leave them, and drag my wheelie cases down the platform, we were all messed up with snot and tears. Even Luke had a few drops in his eyes, but that could have been misplaced hair gel from his perfect combover.

I watched them as the train slowly chugged away, waving and jumping around in their daft T-shirts, knowing I was leaving behind much more than Liverpool. I was leaving behind the very best family a girl could ask for.

I swiped away my own tears—they were going to make my mascara run, and panda eyes was not the look I was going for—and waved until they disappeared from view. As soon as they’d gone, I heard a text land on my phone—from Dad.

‘Knock ‘em dead, girl,’ it said.

They had so much faith in me. So much belief. I couldn’t let them down.

I settled into my very comfy chair, looking around me. First Class was a bit posh, and so were the people in it. Lots of sun tans and expensive-looking clothes, and fit-looking businessmen who already had their laptops on the go.

I felt a bit out of place, and a bit knocked for six emotionally by the farewell scene at the platform. I fought an urge to get off at Runcorn and run all the way home, and gave myself a good talking to.

I was taking a leap of faith. It was time to believe in myself as much as my family did, and make them proud. If this all worked out, I’d be travelling first class everywhere I went—and so would they. Dad would be chauffeured around rather than driving other people. Mum could get a cleaner instead of doing it herself. I could make this work—I could change everything for the better.

A lady in a smart red uniform came round and offered me one of those little bottles of wine. Obviously, I took it—Dad had paid an extra tenner after all, it’d be rude to say no. I poured my drink, and made myself relax.

I was going to London. I was finally going to get the break I’d been waiting for. I had to believe that it would work—that my voice would finally be heard by the world, and that I’d manage to fight my way to a first-class life.

First Class trains. First Class flights. First-class clothes, and food, and a gorgeous place to live where nobody dropped their old kebab wrappers in the street.

I knew I’d have to work for it, but that was fine. I’d work my arse off if I needed to.

As I sipped my wine, I visualised my new world. The gigs and the studio time and the fans. The interviews. The TV appearances. The stylists and make-up artistes. The holidays I could afford; the fantasies I could live out. The islands in the Caribbean I could visit. I could almost feel the sun on my skin, it was that vivid.

I leaned back, starting to feel a bit snoozy. I willed myself into a light sleep, urging my own brain to be positive while I rested—to see those images coming true. To give me the encouragement I needed to overcome the fact that I was practically pooing my pants with fear at leaving home.

Before I drifted off, I tucked my clutch bag tightly between my thigh and the window, just in case. I was sure nobody in first class was going to rob my purse—and if they did, they’d be very disappointed—but old habits die hard.

I conjured up a picture of the beautiful house in London that I’d buy. It’d be like something from one of those lovely films—Notting Hill or Bridget Jones or Love Actually—all whitewashed, with steps up to the door, and columns either side of it. There’d be a courtyard garden, and cobblestone streets, and all the cars parked there would be Jags and Bentleys … and I’d have my own PA, and my own stylist, and my own chef … my own songwriting team, my own publicist, my own manager … it was going to work, I thought, as I fell asleep, a big daft grin on my face.

It was going to work. It had to.

Chapter 6

‘It’s not working!’ Patty screeched at me, throwing a pen at my head. It bounced off my cheek, leaving a faint dent, and landed on the plush cream-coloured carpet.

‘I’m sorry,’ I mumbled, rubbing at my face. It had hit me with the pointy end and felt a bit sore. Much like the rest of me.

‘Don’t stand there gawping—just get me another one! And get me some coffee while you’re at it!’ said Patty, fixing me with that glare she had. The one she’d stolen from Cruella de Vil. Patty was about the same age as me, but had clearly been taking Bitch Lessons for the whole of her life. She was part of the Starmaker PR department, but the way she behaved, you’d think she was the Mayoress of London. Possibly the universe.

As far as I could see, she spent the whole day tweeting on behalf of the company, drafting crap press releases, and schmoozing with tabloid journalists. Her idea of a scoop was getting a picture of Vogue on the celeb gossip pages as she bought sexy underwear, or did her weekly shop in Tesco, to show she was ‘just like the rest of us’. Half the time the pictures were a complete set up as well—something I’d not realised before I started my dream job.

Patty called the paparazzi and told them what the day’s activities were for Starmaker’s biggest acts, and they did the rest, turning up ‘unexpectedly’ with their cameras. I suppose it was a deal that worked for everyone—the celebs had warning, so they could make sure they had their slap on and were wearing knickers (or not) as they climbed out of their limos, and the photographers got their ‘exclusive’ shots. And Patty? She just got more annoying every time she pulled it off.

It was a whole new world—which, even as I thought it, I realised I was still singing in my head as the Disney song from Aladdin. This whole new world, though, was a lot less princess and a lot more pain in the arse.

I’d been here for a month. A whole month of effort and hope and hard work—and I was still getting pens lobbed at my head and I was still making coffee for the PR team.

I ambled off to the stationery cupboard to get Patty a new biro, then made my way to the break room to get her coffee. I fought the urge to spit in it, and looked around at my alleged work colleagues.

There were a few of the other ladies from the PR team, all having high level meetings that seemed to involved sharing the crumbs of one chocolate croissant between three of them as they slagged off everyone else they worked with. There was Dale, the Starmaker dance teacher and choreographer—who did at least give me a smile and a cheery thumbs up as he pranced past in his tights, swigging a blue Powerade. There were a couple of suits from what was always mysteriously known as Legal. And there was Heidi, Jack Duncan’s assistant.

She was the best of a bad bunch, and walked over to chat to me as I waited for the coffee to brew. Patty was very particular about her coffee. No instant. Nothing from the coffee pot. It had to be made with her very own cafétière, using her own poncy blend she paid a fortune for and tasted exactly the same as Nescafé.

‘Hey,’ said Heidi, staring at me from behind her trendy red-framed glasses. ‘You’ve got a bit of a smudge …’

She pointed at my face, and I licked my thumb and rubbed at it. Ha. The pen had been working, after all.

‘Thanks,’ I said. ‘She threw a pen at me. Apparently, it was my fault it ran out.’

Heidi pulled a sympathetic face and leaned back against the counter, her larger-than-average bottom spreading out over the cupboard doors.

‘Chin up, chuck,’ she said, in the fake Scouse voice she always threw into our conversations. I got that a lot—people telling me to ‘calm down, calm down’, making jokes about me stealing their hub caps, and generally behaving as though people from Liverpool were some exotic foreign animal they’d never encountered before. I’d never even been aware of how strong my accent was until I lived in London. Now, it seemed to be the only thing about me that people remembered. That and the fact that I made the coffee.

Heidi, at least, didn’t mean any harm by it, so I just smiled. I was having to do that a lot lately. Just take a deep breath, and smile, and try not to swear or punch anyone. It didn’t come naturally.

‘Jack says are you okay with your schedule this week, by the way,’ she added, getting a packet of chocolate Hobnobs out of the cupboard. One of the few perks of working at Starmaker was the free snacks and drinks. Unfortunately, I’d already been told I had to make sure I didn’t put any weight on, so even that was off limits for me. I’m a size ten, but that was considered a bit on the plus side, so the joys of living above the best kebab shop in North London, and the cupboard choc-full of biscuits, were lost on me.