The Real Rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You

1. You never develop true confidence when you use Manipulation and Masquerade on men. Since you know you got the guy’s interest or love based on NOT behaving naturally, and NOT being yourself, you’ll never feel relaxed, or trust his love for you.

2. You never develop true power when you use Manipulation and Masquerade on men. Since you know you used artificial techniques to get a man interested in you, you are DEPENDENT on those techniques to keep him. You can never feel truly powerful when you’re DEPENDENT on something outside yourself.

3. There is a secret formula all men recognize hidden in THE OLD RULES:

M + M = B

This stands for:

Manipulation + Masquerade = BITCH

That’s right, the B word. There’s no other way to say it. It’s a slang term, but we all know what it means.

Try this experiment: Ask any man to read the following description of a woman, and summarize her in one word:

A woman who plays games, acts hard to get, pretends she’s not interested, wants you to be vulnerable and open, but won’t be vulnerable and open with you, acts like she doesn’t need you, judges you by the gifts you give her, makes you pay for everything, and is inconsiderate of your schedule.

I’ll bet you that nine out of ten men say: “That’s easy—she’s a bitch!”

It’s that simple. We can make it sound nicer with more intellectual words, but the bottom line is still the same—following THE OLD RULES, no matter how good your intentions might be, will most likely make you appear to be a bitch to men. The only men who would find that kind of woman appealing are men you definitely don’t want in your life.

What’s the alternative?

THE REAL RULES!!

Part 2 THE REAL RULES FOR FINDING THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP

REAL RULE #1: Treat Men the Way You Want Them to Treat You

REAL RULE #1 is the heart of all THE REAL RULES. It’s not just about love, but about life. Does it sound familiar? It should. Maybe you learned a version of it in Bible class when you were little, or heard it preached at your church or synagogue. Traditionally it’s called The Golden Rule: Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You. In India, it’s called the law of karma: Your good actions toward others will eventually and inevitably produce good effects in your own life; your bad actions toward others will produce undesirable effects in your own life. Or, as we say in America:

“What goes around comes around.”

However you word it, REAL RULE #1 means the same thing: Treat people (in this case men) the way you would like them to treat you.

• If you want a man to be considerate to you, be considerate to him.

• If you want a man to be honest with you, be honest with him.

• If you want a man to be respectful of you, be respectful of him.

• If you want a man to open up to you, open up to him.

Of course, the flip side of REAL RULE #1 is: DON’T TREAT A MAN THE WAY YOU DON’T WANT HIM TO TREAT YOU.

• If you don’t want a man to play games with you, don’t play games with him.

• If you don’t want a man to manipulate you, don’t manipulate him.

• If you don’t want a man to be cold to you, don’t be cold to him.

• If you don’t want a man to share who he really is with you, don’t share who you really are with him … Get the point … ?

REAL RULE #1 is based on the belief that, from a cosmic or spiritual point of view, all beings are created equal and have equal value—men aren’t more valuable or superior to women, and women aren’t more valuable or superior to men. Therefore, men should be treated with the same courtesy and respect you’d like them to show you. It’s common sense.

If you’re a woman who wants equal pay for your work, equal rights in society, and equal opportunities in your life, how can you offer men anything less than equality in a relationship? You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say “I think my boyfriend and I are equal, but I think he should bear the burden of making all the moves in the relationship and be the only one who faces rejection.” That’s just plain selfish, and it’s not playing by THE REAL RULES.

Even if you forget all of the other REAL RULES, when in doubt, go back to REAL RULE #1, and you’ll probably make the right decision about how to act or what to say in a relationship. That’s because your decision will be based on respect and fairness.

What about the OLD RULES idea that the natural order of life is for men to pursue women, that men are like animals that love the chase, and that we have to treat them as such, making ourselves unavailable, making it impossible for them to know how we are feeling? This is disrespectful, demeaning garbage. Saying men love to fight and go to war because they love a challenge, and therefore, you should make his conquest of you as difficult as possible is just as stupid as saying that women love to clean toilets and scrub floors, and that it’s the natural order of things for us to be second-class citizens. Yes, it is true that men have been conditioned throughout history to play the role of the hunter, but that doesn’t mean you have to indulge them in it now by acting like fleeing prey! Why bring out the worst in a man on purpose?

How would you like it if your boss told you he was never going to promote you because you were a woman, and just weren’t as capable as men? How would you like it if you were trying to get a scholarship to attend graduate school and your advisor gave the scholarship to a guy, claiming that women weren’t as smart as men? You’d be outraged, wouldn’t you? Is that attitude any worse than thinking men should be treated with different rules in relationships than apply to you?

REAL RULE #1 says that the simple test for any rule you’re thinking of using as a guideline in a relationship is this: REVERSE IT, making it the man’s rule about his treatment of you, and see if it still seems fair.

For instance, an OLD RULE is: “Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls.” Now, reverse it, and imagine it’s his rule: “Don’t Call Her and Rarely Return Her Calls.” Does this sound like the kind of guy you’d want to get involved with? I don’t think so …

Let’s try another one: “Don’t Talk to a Man First.” Okay, switch it: “Don’t Talk to a Woman First.” Imagine how thrilling your love life would be if you walked into a party, and knew that all the men were following this rule, and you were going to have to make every move if you even wanted to have a conversation.

I think you get my point. REAL RULE #1 reminds you that for a rule to be valid, it has to be fair. If, on the other hand, you, like many OLD RULES women, have one set of rules for how you get to treat a man, but another set of rules for how he has to treat you, you’re cheating.

So when in doubt, refer to REAL RULE #1. For example, a friend just gave you two tickets to a hot concert, and you’re wondering whether to invite a guy you’ve just started dating. Use the REAL RULE: Would you have liked it if he invited you to a concert? Yes? Well, then go for it. Or let’s say you’re on a date with a man you really like, and you’re having a great time. Should you say anything? Use the REAL RULE: Would you like it if he told you he was having a good time? Yes? So go ahead.

What’s the worst thing that can happen in these situations? You exhibit some kindness, some caring, some enthusiasm, and it isn’t returned … SO WHAT!!!! Even if the relationship goes nowhere, you didn’t lose anything. Whenever you share your goodness, your passion for life, and your heart, you always end up winning, because what you put out into the Universe will come back to you.

REAL RULE #2: Remember That Men Need as Much Love and Reassurance as You Do

Before we start getting into the more specific REAL RULES, you need to understand REAL RULE #2. This REAL RULE is not so much a behavior as an attitude you have about men when you follow THE REAL RULES. Most important, it’s an attitude that you should carry with you into all of your interactions with men. Men will pick up on this attitude, conclude that you understand them, and be much more apt to open their hearts to you.

I’ve spent over twenty years of my life studying men, giving seminars to men, answering thousands of letters from men, talking to women about men and to men about themselves. I’m here to tell you that, contrary to popular belief, men are just as sensitive as women, and need just as much love and reassurance as we do. This is REAL RULE #2. Every man you’ll ever meet will fall into one of three categories:

Category One—Men you don’t want. There are men who have serious problems in the areas of commitment, intimacy, and integrity. They’re just not ready for a relationship with anyone. These poor guys need a lot of work, though they would probably disagree with that assessment! By the way, these are usually the very men who respond to OLD RULES chase games. (See REAL RULE #3)

Category Two—Perfect, enlightened men with no emotional baggage, no insecurities, and fully developed psychic abilities which allow them to know and fulfill your needs at all times. Needless to say, there is no one in this category, except for a handful of swamis, priests, and monks, and they aren’t available.

Category Three—Men who want a loving,.committed relationship, but just like you, are secretly scared of rejection, afraid of getting hurt, and therefore, need love and encouragement.

It should be obvious that Category One Men are to be avoided like the plague (See REAL RULES #8–13). Category Two men aren’t an option! That means the majority of the men you’ll meet will belong to Category Three.

Here’s the secret truth about Category Three men: they’re not that different from you or any other woman in one significant way—they feel as deeply, and again, they need as much love and reassurance as you do. They may not admit this up front; they may not even admit it after you’re married. But believe me, it’s true. In their hearts, men need to feel loved, to feel special, to feel safe, and to feel they are doing a good job in life and in relationships.

You know how your mind fills you with all kinds of fears when you’re considering letting a man know you’re interested? Men feel the same way when they’re considering approaching you. You know how nervous you feel before a date with a new guy you really like? Men feel the same way before a date with you. In fact, they feel worse, because according to the OLD RULES, it’s the man’s responsibility to make the first move, request the date, make the plans, reach out for affection, all the way down the line to proposing marriage. Think about it—one situation after another where he’s setting himself up for potential rejection.

Here’s a chart to help you understand more about REAL RULE #2:

MEN’S SECRET DESIRES MEN’S SECRET FEARS Wants to make you happy. Fear he doesn’t know how. Wants to please you. Fear he won’t be enough. Wants to do things right. Fear he’ll make a mistake. Wants to open up and love. Fear that you’ll reject him.

Let me ask you a question: When do you feel safe to really open up? For most women, the answer is: “When I feel really loved.” Guess what … the same REAL RULE is true for men. The more you love and appreciate a good man, the safer he’s going to feel, and the more he’ll open up to loving you.

Applying Real Rule #2 means never forgetting that inside of every incredibly desirable man you’re dying to get close to is a scared little boy who has the same fear of rejection that you have. Don’t underestimate the power you have to hurt him, whether by acting cold, poking fun at something he said, or making a sarcastic remark about something he didn’t do well. He may never talk about it, but believe me, he’ll remember it.

So instead of walking around feeling so intimidated by men, start to practice looking at them with different, more sensitive eyes, recognizing that they need your love just as much as you need theirs. You’ll feel a lot more relaxed and spontaneous around men when you remember REAL RULE #2. Believe me, the more you show a guy that you’re not stereotyping him as a “typical,” shut down, emotionally backward male, the sooner he’ll open up and reach out to make you a part of his life.

REAL RULE #3: Stay Away From Men Who Don’t Like THE REAL RULES

What’s one of the biggest problems you have in the beginning of any relationship?—How to tell whether or not you’re with the wrong man before things get too serious. How many times have you gotten involved with a guy, maybe even slept with him, only to find out three or six or nine months later that he was not the kind of person you wanted to be with, and that in fact, you didn’t even like or respect him?!!!

Here’s one of the greatest benefits of using THE REAL RULES—when you put THE REAL RULES into practice, the wrong men will automatically eliminate themselves from your life. Why? Because THE REAL RULES will make the wrong men uncomfortable!!

THE REAL RULES are like a “healthy man detector.” Guys who are good for you will love THE REAL RULES. Guys with unhealthy love habits will hate THE REAL RULES.

Let’s face it—there are some men out there who do fit the OLD RULES stereotype. They’re the kind of guys that call women they hardly know “hon,” “babe,” and “doll.” They think women should be “protected” from having too many responsibilities in life. They believe in the “boys will be boys” mentality—in other words, they expect to do what they want to without your feedback. They may act like you’re their princess, but there’s no doubt in their minds that they’re the king.

These men will love chasing you. It makes them feel successful, potent, manly. The pursuit and capture feeds into their unfulfilled need to feel powerful. Therefore, they like women who are coy, manipulative, and withholding, because they get excited by the challenge of conquering you. When you finally submit, they’ve won, and in spite of the sparkling ring on your finger, you’ve lost. Why? OLD RULES MEN don’t want a real woman—they want a trophy, a possession, a prize.

OLD RULES MEN:

• Want to feel like they’re in control

• Think of the male sex as superior

• Believe women have a limited role in life

• Are uncomfortable with real intimacy

• Don’t like powerful women

• Think their opinion counts more

• Are addicted to the chase, and are more likely to cheat when bored

• Judge you by your looks, your weight, and your breast size

• Want to feel smarter than you

• Don’t like to be questioned or challenged

• Aren’t interested in improving themselves for you

• Don’t want the relationship to go too deep, even if you’re married

• Will be threatened if you surpass them in any area (your intellect, your income, etc.)

If you’re looking for this kind of husband, you might as well throw this book away right now, because OLD RULES men don’t like REAL RULES WOMEN since you’re not willing to play their game.

Who are these guys, and how did they get this way? They’re usually men who felt overpowered as a child by a dominating father or critical mother, and decided when they grew up, they’d be the ones in control. Maybe they saw Dad treat Mom like a doormat, and decided it was either “rule or be ruled.” Or maybe Dad was a passive wimp who let Mom treat him like dirt, and the child decided he’d never let a woman control him when he got older. The bottom line is that OLD RULES men are always motivated by an unconscious fear of women and a secret feeling of inadequacy. After all, a really empowered, confident man doesn’t have to keep proving it to himself and you every five minutes!!

You should feel sorry for these poor misguided guys, but not enough to be with one. Don’t try to rehabilitate one if you meet him, no matter how tempting it may be. Recognize him for what he is, an OLD RULES MAN, and get out of his way.

So how should you use THE REAL RULES to eliminate the wrong men and leave room for the right man? Simple—just start putting THE REAL RULES into practice, and watch guys who are bad for you flee in the opposite direction. For instance:

You’re at a party and a friend just introduced you to a guy you find attractive. The OLD RULES say don’t make eye contact, don’t say much, let him take the lead, and don’t act interested. Instead, try THE REAL RULES:

a) Express who you really are by talking about what interests you (REAL RULE #15)

b) Don’t play games (REAL RULE #4)—if he asks you to go out with him two days from then, and you’re free and want to accept, don’t pretend you’re busy and say “no”

c) If you like him, let him know (REAL RULE #6)—if he says he enjoyed talking with you, don’t pause mysteriously and tone down your response. Tell him you also really enjoyed being with him.

Now, what if he seems turned off, or suddenly walks away during the conversation, or doesn’t call you again as he said he would? Does this mean THE REAL RULES didn’t work? No—quite the opposite: THEY WORKED PERFECTLY! CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve just used THE REAL RULES to quickly and effectively eliminate a potentially hurtful relationship with the wrong man! The sooner you spot OLD RULES guys and eliminate them as possibilities, the sooner you can find an emotionally healthy REAL RULES MAN and develop the relationship of your dreams.

REAL RULE #4: Don’t Play Games

THE REAL RULES are all about being smart. Smart women don’t play games. The dictionary defines the word game as a form of play or sport, a scheme, plan, or trick. THE OLD RULES are all about playing games. Why shouldn’t you play games in relationships?

• Playing games is for women who’ve been convinced that they aren’t intelligent enough to figure out the right way to communicate or behave with a man, and instead, must memorize absurd lists of do’s and don’ts.

• Playing games is for women who’ve been warned against using their own natural instincts, and talked into being too mentally frightened to think through situations moment by moment.

• Playing games is for women who’ve been conditioned to believe the purpose of a relationship is to get the prize—an engagement ring—and that then they’ll be the winner.

• Playing games is stupid, and you’re not stupid.

Games are for children, or people who want to act like children. Good parents teach their children not to lie, not to pretend, not to fool people. Would it be okay with you for your child to play these kinds of games with you? I don’t think so. Why, then, would it be okay for you to play these kinds of games with men? It isn’t!

Here’s what’s wrong with playing games in your relationships: The basis of most games is deception, secrecy, and competition. If I’m playing a game of cards, I don’t want the other person to know what’s in my hand—I want the advantage. If I’m playing a game of tennis, I don’t want my partner to know where in his court I plan to serve the ball. If I’m playing a game of chess, I want to get more pieces than my opponent.

Deception, secrecy, and competition may be fine for cards, tennis, and chess, but they don’t belong in your love life.

You know what men always tell me? They say that one of the reasons women have gotten the reputation of not being as smart as men is that we play stupid games. “Does a woman really think we don’t know what’s going on when she’s playing a game?” men will ask me in disbelief.

Of course a man knows what you’re doing. He may even go along with your game for a while, but in the long run, he’s not going to respect you for it. And if he really doesn’t know what’s going on, how can you respect him? IF A MAN IS STUPID ENOUGH TO FALL FOR OLD RULES GAMES, WHY WOULD YOU WANT HIM?

“Wait a minute,” you might be thinking to yourself. “What about those guys who know what’s going on and like it, men who like women who play games and use the OLD RULES?” As we saw with REAL RULE #3, there are some men who psychologically respond to manipulation. You act indifferent, hard to get, and too busy for him, and suddenly he has to have you. Isn’t this the result you’re hoping for? NO!

Remember: Just because he wants you doesn’t mean he loves you.

I’ll bet you’ve had the experience of wanting something just because you thought you couldn’t get it. Example: You break up with a guy, and discover several weeks later that he’s dating one of your friends. For a moment, you wonder, “Maybe he wasn’t so bad after all … maybe I was too hasty.” If you’re smart, you’ll realize that you don’t really want him back—you just don’t like NOT being able to have him. Your desire is just a reflexive response from your ego. It’s not coming from your heart.

This is exactly what happens to men when you play games with them, games like:

“You Can’t Have Me”

“Maybe I Like You, Maybe I Don’t”

“Try to Guess What I’m Doing on the Nights I’m Not Seeing You”

“Aren’t I Mysterious.”

The men who respond to these games, men who see themselves as the hunter and you as the prey, are men you should stay far away from. Attracting them on purpose is a big mistake.

What’s the alternative to playing games and being manipulative? BEING SMART and BEING APPROPRIATE BY USING THE REAL RULES.

A Real-Life Scenario of How You Can Use the Real Rules to Check Out a Man

THE SITUATION: You’ve just started a relationship with a guy you really like, and you don’t want to be overly excited about sharing your feelings until you know more about him and how he feels. One way to approach this is to use the OLD RULES: never show your enthusiasm when he asks you out, never call him, never return his phone calls, and act nonchalant when he brings you flowers or gifts. In other words, you could play games and TEST HIM.

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