My Favourite Mistake

Hunter was hunched over a plate of eggs and toast when I came out of our room. Renee was on the couch with the television on and a bowl of cereal. I heard the noise of the shower and made the deduction that Darah was in there.

“Good morning,” I said to whoever would answer.

Hunter grunted and Renee made a similar noise. It was only the second day of classes, but everyone was still on summer time.

I grabbed a bowl of cereal and went to sit with Renee. I was getting bad vibes from Hunter. That boy and I were going to have to have a chat, sooner or later. I had the feeling he was going to avoid it as long as he possibly could. I’d have to be the one pushing.

One by one, my roommates went to their various morning classes until it was just me and Hunter. Surprise, surprise.

“We need to talk,” I said, “and you can’t do that thing where you shut down or don’t answer or make some sort of innuendo so I’ll get distracted or off topic. If we’re going to live together, we’ve got to be able to talk to one another. Got it?”

He put his plate in the sink and turned around, bracing his back against it. His eyes told me I was in for a battle.

“Don’t make me punch you again, because I swear to God, I will.” That elicited a smirk. His face still had a slight shadow where I’d gotten him. “I also have no qualms about going for your man bits again.”

“I don’t doubt you for a second, Missy.”

“I’ve talked with housing about you. I have a meeting on Friday with the head of housing.”

“Still trying to get rid of me?”

“I just don’t see how this can work out. You’re…you.” I couldn’t come up with a better way of saying it.

“Yes, I am.” He seemed to get it. “But I fail to see that as a reason for kicking me out. If I came home drunk or had sex with strange girls or made you uncomfortable, that would be a reason.”

“You do make me uncomfortable.”

“But not in that way. I make you uncomfortable because I shake up what you thought about people. I make you nervous. You want me, but you don’t know why and you can’t stop fighting it.”

I sputtered for a second, shocked. “You are so…” My hands shook with anger. I really, really wanted to punch him again.

“I’ve hit a nerve, I see. Means I’m right.”

“You are the cockiest, douchebaggy asshat I’ve ever met, and I can’t wait to get rid of you.”

He laughed for the first time. On anyone else, it would have been sexy as hell. On him, it just made me more enraged.

“Fuck you, Hunter. Fuck. You.”

“You want to, that’s part of your problem.”

Before I could react, he crossed the room and stood right in front of me.

“Tell me you don’t want me. Look me in the eye and tell me if I kissed you right now, you wouldn’t kiss me back. Tell me.”

“I don’t want you,” I said, grinding my teeth around every word. Breathing became difficult. He was so close. I couldn’t see anything beyond him. My eye level was at his chest, where the ink from his tattoos showed through the thin cotton. His smell surrounded me, and I caught a tiny whiff of sweat. My mouth went dry, and I kept my eyes on his chest because I knew I couldn’t look up.

Two days ago, I hadn’t known Hunter Zaccadelli existed. Today, I couldn’t look him in the eyes for fear I’d lose myself. No, I had to shut this down.

I closed my eyes and stepped away.

“I don’t want you,” I said, looking at his eyes and not blinking. “Now get away from me.” He didn’t move, so I walked away.

One thing was sure: I had to get Hunter out of my life.

I wanted him. I wanted him to kiss me and touch my face and put his fingers in my hair. I wanted him to pick me up and hold me and be with me. I was losing it. Absolutely losing it. I had to get out of this space. He took up too much of it. He made my brain do funny things and not think clearly.

I had to get away.

I got dressed as quickly as I could and threw my books for the day into my bag. I dashed to the bathroom, hoping I wouldn’t run into Hunter. I could hear his guitar in the living room. I didn’t look at him as I rushed out the door. As soon as I was in the hallway, I was able to breathe.

What was it about him? Was it the tattoos? The way he called me Missy? The way he was so open about his sexuality? Maybe it was a combination.

It was a combination I couldn’t say no to, but I would have to. I was never going to fall in love. I was never going to be with someone like that. People only hurt you when you loved them that way. They took what they wanted and used you up. My mother still missed my dad, even though it had been so many years. She still looked at their wedding pictures and smiled, thinking about times when they were happy. But it hadn’t lasted. Nothing like that lasted.

Boys like Hunter burned everything they touched. Boys like that were dangerous. I knew that without a doubt. If I let him, Hunter would drag me down. I would not let it happen.

I spent the rest of the day looking for Hunter around every corner. I turned my phone off so I wouldn’t see his texts, if he sent any. I made sure to keep a lookout in the Union. I kept thinking I saw him, but it turned out to just be a look-alike. There were a lot of guys who sort of looked like him, but no one quite close enough.

I did everything I could to avoid going back to the apartment and ended up finishing all my homework before the end of the day. I had my last class of the day with Megan and offered to have dinner with her so she could avoid eating with the “cannibals,” as she called her boyfriend’s buddies. It wasn’t completely to avoid Hunter, because I really did want to spend time with Megan.

“Have you figured out your roommate issue?”

“I wish,” I said, biting into my chocolate croissant. Hunter was the kind of person who made me need chocolate therapy. “It’s really complicated.”

“Things with the opposite sex usually are.”

“How’s everything working out for you?”

She lifted one shoulder. “Jake’s my soul mate. I know that. Sounds cheesy, but I know that we’re not complete without each other. So I put up with his disgusting friends and their endless Family Guy marathons because I love him. Someday we’ll move in with just the two of us, and I’ll be able to have a clean bathroom. Someday…”

We finished eating, and I walked Megan to her car.

“Girls night this weekend? I think the guys are going to a party, so the house will be free. I’ll make margaritas,” she said in a singsong voice. “Come on, please? I’m inviting Haley and Robin, too.” They were two other girls from our major that we’d formed a little group with. They’d be the perfect antidote to too much Hunter.

“Sure, it’s on. Just text me when would be a good time. You want me to bring anything?”

“Every single girlie movie you own.”

“Done,” I said.

She squealed and gave me a hug before hopping in her car.

It was still light out, so I didn’t have to worry too much about walking by myself. I said goodbye to her and reluctantly walked back to the apartment. I kept my fingers crossed the entire way that Hunter would be gone or at least one of the girls would be there as a buffer.

I took a deep breath before I opened the door.

“Hey, where have you been?” Renee said, looking up from one of her massive nursing textbooks. The television was blaring; I didn’t know how she could focus.

“Had dinner with Megan. Where’s everyone else?”

“Hunter went somewhere, and Miss Darah is on a date with Mase, if you can believe it.”

“No way,” I said, joining her on the couch. “I thought I saw something there, but I didn’t know he’d move that fast.” College was a strange situation. Things always seemed to happen at warp speed.

“Me neither, but it was really cute. I think she really likes him.”

“I have a really hard time picturing them together, but if he makes her happy, then that’s what matters.”

“Well, she hasn’t even come home yet, so we can reserve judgment until then.”

“If she does come home,” I said, raising my eyebrows.

“You know she’s not that kind of girl.”

I did, but I never underestimated anyone when it came to that.

“I’m bored. I don’t think I can do any more reading. You want to do something?” She closed her book.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Mall?”

I wasn’t much for shopping, but if we got to go to the bookstore, I was in. Also, it would get us out of the apartment in case Hunter came back from whatever he was doing. I only had a tiny temptation to text him, but quickly squashed it. I was staying away from him until I could get rid of him.

“Sounds good, just let me grab some cash.” I ran into my room to grab some money from the jar I kept in my desk. I had to leave my debit card at home when I went into a bookstore or else I would drain my account. I was about to leave when I saw something on my pillow. Curious, I picked it up.

This is me giving you space. See? We can live together without living together. You still haven’t given me an answer about that bet. All you have to do is prove one way or another and I’m gone. The ball’s in your court, Missy.

I crumpled the note in my fist. He knew what I was trying to do, and that infuriated me. I didn’t like him knowing what I was thinking, since I almost never knew what was running through his head. I shoved the note in my desk and slammed it shut.

“So what is with you and Hunter? I know you’ve got this weird I-hate-you-but-I’m-really-attracted-to-you thing going on, but could you, like, tone it down?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, please. You guys eye-fuck each other every second you can. It’s disgusting, really.”

I hopped into the passenger’s seat of Renee’s Mazda.

“We don’t do that.” We totally did, but it was Hunter’s fault. “I don’t mean to anyway. He definitely does.”

“That’s what attraction is. That uncontrollable urge to jump someone’s bones, even in mixed company. You guys haven’t…” She didn’t need to finish.

“Oh, God, no! I’m not that kind of girl, either.”

I had never told Darah or Renee that I was a virgin. The only person who knew about that was Megan, and that was because we were so close, and I knew I could trust her with something like that. I’d trusted her with a much bigger secret.

“Never say never, doll. Did I ever tell you how Paul and I met?” I knew they’d only met about a year ago, but had gotten serious, fast. “I was wasted at a party, and this guy was trying to take me home. I don’t really remember this, but Paul shoved him off me and asked me where I lived. I somehow managed to tell him, and he got me into a cab and helped me back to my room. Darah was gone for the weekend, so I was all alone. He stayed with me the whole night and took care of me. I puked my guts out, and he held my hair and everything. You’d think he’d never want to see me after that, but he ended up staying the whole day. When I sobered up I realized that he was pretty damn special. And I think you can figure the rest out. So, never knock sex early in a relationship. I mean, it didn’t work out with us, but it was great while it lasted.”

Her voice was filled with longing. I knew she missed him, but she refused to take his calls or answer his texts. I didn’t even know why they had broken up, but she insinuated it was something he had done. I asked her if he’d cheated on her, but she said it wasn’t that. Darah and I had racked our brains, but we hadn’t figured it out. We’d been tempted to ask Paul but didn’t want to go behind Renee’s back.

I’d never really had a boyfriend. I’d had too many public angry episodes for the boys I’d grown up with to even consider wanting to date me. In eighth grade when the other girls were having their first boyfriends and getting kissed, I had a mouthful of metal braces and a bad attitude. When I got older and other girls were getting serious and hooking up and so forth, I spent my time reading and glaring at any boy who gave me the once-over. Soon my reputation as an ice queen became well-known enough that the boys left me alone, which was how I wanted it.

I’d never been around anyone who challenged me and fought me on everything until I’d met Hunter. He scared me in a way, and I’d never been scared of a boy before. That was why I had to get rid of him.

Maybe I could take his bet. I hadn’t been able to make him see that I hated him, because I didn’t. I hated him at times, but my other feelings for him seeped through, clouding the hate into a murky substance that I couldn’t define.

The other part of the bet? The making him believe I loved him? I couldn’t do that either. I’d shut off that part of myself when I was twelve, and there was no turning it on now after so many years. Hunter would see right through me if I tried to fake it.

I was between a rock and a hard place. I was going to have to wait and see what Friday brought.

Eight

Hunter and I barely saw each other for the rest of the week. I assumed he went and hung out at Mase’s, but I didn’t know for sure because he barely said twenty words to me. When he did come and sleep at the apartment he always arrived after I was out and left before I woke. I didn’t know how he did it, but he was like a shadow, sneaking in and out.

When I did see him, he pretended not to see me. Darah and Renee noticed, but after making inquiries, which Hunter and I both shot down, they stopped asking.

Friday afternoon finally came, as did my meeting with Marissa.

I had to wait ten full minutes before Marissa finally opened her door and called me in. Her office was nasty-neat and could have been a stock image for what an administrative office should look like with the generic watercolor print and motivational poster. Gag.

She adjusted her glasses on her nose before sitting behind her desk, absentmindedly straightening her wrist rest. Everything about her was orderly: her short hair, crisp shirt and flat expression.

“So, what can I do for you, Taylor? You said you were having an issue with one of your roommates.” She leaned forward and braced her arms on the desk.

I gave her the rundown, leaving out a lot of what Hunter had done. I wasn’t repeating what he said, word for word.

“So he makes you uncomfortable? Have you tried talking with him about it?”

“Yes, I have,” I said. Her face had been blank when I’d told my sob story, and I could tell this was going to be a dead end. I could just feel it. But maybe I was being pessimistic.

“Have you gone to your resident director? They are always available to talk or discuss disputes, and they have training on how to help with those situations.” It was like banging my head against a brick wall.

“I was really hoping that this could just be resolved, seeing as how it was a mistake to begin with.”

“Well, there isn’t really anything we can do right now. Unless there is an emergency, we have to keep places available for those who really need them. It sounds like it’s more of a personality conflict. I’m going to recommend that you have some mediation with your RD, and you can come and see me in a few weeks, okay?”

I wanted so, so much to say, “Are you fucking serious?” but that wouldn’t have helped my case.

“So there’s nothing you can do?”

“Not unless there is a direct threat. Has he threatened you? Don’t be afraid to speak up.”

I thought about it for half a second, but I knew if I told her Hunter had threatened me, then he would get in trouble and could get kicked out of school. Campus security would get involved, and he could even get arrested. As much as the image of Hunter in jail amused me, I couldn’t be the one to put him there if he didn’t deserve it. Seeing as how I was the one who technically assaulted him.

I was stuck.

“No, he hasn’t.”

“Okay. Here’s my card. Never hesitate to call us if it’s an emergency. Sounds like you two just need to have a chat. I’ll have your RD contact you about setting up some mediation.” She stood and held out her hand, effectively ending the meeting. I had no choice but to stand, shake her hand and leave with her card clutched in my hand.

What a fucking waste of time.

I didn’t know why I had expected anything more. In a university with around twelve thousand undergraduate students, I was a number. That was why I’d chosen UMaine instead of a smaller college. Now I was paying for it.

I stormed back to the apartment. Darah had gone home for the weekend to celebrate her mom’s birthday, so she was already gone. Renee had a nursing group meeting, so I knew if anyone was going to be there, it would be Hunter.

I tried not to slam the door but failed.

“Rough day?” a male voice said.

I glanced at the couch to find him sitting there with his guitar. I held my composure for a second. “You’re on,” I said, walking over to him and sticking my hand in his face. “The bet, you’re on.”

He stared at my hand for a second, and a slow smile spread across his face. “Once we shake hands there is no going back.”

I nodded, but I pulled my hand back before he could touch me. “There have to be some parameters. This whole thing about loving and hating can’t be proved. I told you I hated you and punched you, but you didn’t believe it. If I said I loved you right now, you wouldn’t believe me. So how do we measure this?”

“It’s harder to say you love someone than to say you hate them. So you have to say the words. And they have to be real.”

“How will you know they’re real?”

He shrugged. “I’ll know. You’ll know.”

“And the hate part?”

“I’ll know you hate me when I see that look in your eyes. I’ve seen it before, and I’ll know.”

“So you’re going to determine this. I have no say?” I balled my hands at my sides, wanting to hit him.

“I’m not forcing you to accept this. You can call housing and tell them that I’m sexually harassing you. They’ll drag me to a disciplinary hearing and probably kick me out of school. You could say the word right now. But you aren’t going to do that.”

“I can’t,” I said. As much as it would get him out of my life. “You’re a jerk, but you’re not that. If you were, I would have gotten rid of you so fast, your head would have spun around.”

“Exactly. You’re not a girl who puts up with anything. You can take care of yourself—you showed me that on the first night. You’ll let me know when I’ve gone too far.”

“I will.”

“Okay then.”

“Okay,” I said, and we shook hands. I tried to let go, but he took my hand and pulled me so I crashed into his chest.

“So, here we are. You’re stuck with me until Christmas,” he breathed.

He let go of my hand, and I stepped back. It was not an easy thing to do. My body was drawn to his like the opposite pole of a magnet.

“You think you’re the one who makes my life difficult. I can make it so much worse for you,” I said, smiling sweetly. His blue eyes were skeptical.

“How so?”

“You really want to know? I’m going to invite a bunch of girls over, and we’re going to watch girlie movies and talk about our periods and burn all kinds of scented candles and we’ll probably stay up all night giggling.”

“When do the naked pillow fights and making out start?”

I smacked his shoulder. “You pig, that’s not what happens at sleepovers unless they’re in the movies. But Darah and Renee and I can gang up on you. You have no idea how bad it could be.”

“What makes you think any of that would make me uncomfortable?” he said, throwing a wrench in my spur-of-the-moment plan to get him back.

“Because all guys run away when girls start talking about their menstrual cycles. You’re supposed to run away now.”

He stepped closer to me. “Doesn’t bother me.”

“Tampon,” I said.

He took another step.

“Cramps. Bloating. Heavy flow.”

His chest was almost touching my nose. I tipped my head back to meet his eyes. He didn’t blink. I could almost feel the cotton of his shirt against my skin. He slowly reached up and put his thumbs on either side of my face.

“Keep going,” he said, pulling my face up, so I had to go up on my toes. Oh, my.

At that precise moment, my brain stopped working. It stopped thinking and even trying to think.

“Out of words, Missy?” he said, one side of his mouth tipping up.

That smirk snapped me back into reality. I glared at him and pulled away from his hands. He chuckled.

“You’re going to have to work really hard to prove you hate me. The other thing, maybe not so hard.”

“You’re full of it,” I said, crossing my arms.

“And you have no idea how sexy you look right now, so pissed at me.”

My mouth dropped open. I didn’t have anything to say, so I pulled my knee back like I was going to get him in the balls, but stopped short of hitting them. It was awesome to watch him flinch.

“Watch it there,” he said.

I just grinned at him. “Don’t forget you have something you value very much more that I can damage. Just remember that.”

“How could I forget?”

“Don’t you have somewhere to be? Some other girls to objectify?” I asked.

“Why would I go anywhere when I have all I need right here?”

I was going to make a snappy comment, but couldn’t come up with one. It surprised me that a twenty-year-old, good-looking guy wouldn’t have plans on a Friday night. But hey, what did I know?

***

Hunter treated me with the same cocky manner he’d used the first two days I’d met him, which was quite a change from the cold indifference. He made comments that would have made me blush a few years ago. Renee came back from her meeting and kept giving me a look when he did it. The I-told-you-so look.

I wasn’t going to sleep with Hunter. I wasn’t going to sleep with anyone, at least not right now. I couldn’t even think of having sex without my hands shaking and my stomach turning.

I had no problem with other consenting adults doing it, but I knew that sex was messy. It was complicated, and some people used it as a weapon. I was never going to let that happen to me. If I did it, it would be because I wanted to. And I hadn’t met anyone who made me want to.

Yet.

He stayed up late on Friday night playing the guitar. I was exhausted from my failed meeting, so I went to bed. He asked me if I minded if he stayed up and played.

“Knock yourself out.”

“You wish,” he said and played a little tune from a commercial. Ha-ha. I rolled my eyes and put the covers over my head, as if I was blocking him out. “You know you like it.”

Yes, I did. More than I would ever admit.

I fell asleep to the sounds of guitar strumming. When I woke up, he was mumbling again. It would have been downright adorable if he wasn’t so upset. I considered waking him again, but I didn’t want to lose my face. So I let him go and listened.

“Mommy, wake up. Please wake up.” His voice was scared.

I looked around and found a pair of socks that I balled up and chucked as hard as I could at him. They bopped his shoulder, but he didn’t wake up. I tried to find something else. I looked around and found a metal coat hanger on my closet door. I unfolded it and used it as a poking stick to jab him. It took a few tries, but he finally grabbed at the spot where I was poking.

“What the fuck?” his half-awake voice said.

I quickly threw my poking tool down and pretended I was asleep. I heard him turn over, and I could feel his eyes on me.

“Did you just poke me?”

I decided to play dumb. “What?” I said, attempting a sleepy voice.

“You just poked me with something.”

“No I didn’t. I was sleeping until a moment ago.”

“No, you weren’t. You were poking me with that piece of wire that’s sitting on the floor. Very sly, Missy, but I’m not a moron.” He got up, and I heard him picking up my poking device. “I was talking again, wasn’t I?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“Don’t tell me what I said. I already know.”

“How?”