Driving Jarvis Ham

WEDNESDAY MONDAY DECEMBER 15th 1986 1993

PRINCE CHARLES BAPTISED IN THE MUSIC ROOM AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE (1948)

I crashed a helicopter into a child’s face today by accident. The child’s father complained to the manager and I was moved to filling helium balloons ‘for my own safety and everybody else’s’ until next week.

TUESDAY SUNDAY DECEMBER 21st 1986 1993

I’m back on the helicopters. The manager said (exact quote), ‘In all my years in this bloody business nobody has ever burst quite so many balloons as you did last week Jarvis.’ Jennifer said that I should be proud as (exact quote number 2), ‘It’s nice to be a winner.’

FRIDAY WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 24th 1986 1993

It’s been very busy at work. I can’t wait for Christmas.

SATURDAY THURSDAY DECEMBER 25th 1986 1993

CHRISTMAS DAY

I wish Christmas would end. Jennifer. I miss her so.

SUNDAY FRIDAY DECEMBER 26th 1986 1993

BOXING DAY BANK HOLIDAY (UK & EIRE)

3am. I can’t sleep. Jennifer wasn’t in the food hall at lunchtime today. I should have asked one of the women working there where she was but I didn’t. I think she doesn’t work on bank holidays.

MONDAY SATURDAY DECEMBER 27th 1986 1993

Jennifer wasn’t there again. I asked a woman who was clearing tables. She said ‘Jennifer? Is she a relative?’ I said she was my girlfriend and the woman looked at me funny. She then went away into the kitchen and came back with the other Jennifer, who was about sixty years old. I explained everything and the sixty-year-old Jennifer said that Jennifer Fer has left because the turkey and tinsel offer is finished and she was only there for that. I panicked and left.

TUESDAY SUNDAY DECEMBER 28th 1986 1993

At the food hall they wouldn’t give me Jennifer’s address or phone number because it’s confidential. How can it be confidential? It’s a food hall, it isn’t MI5 or something. I crashed a model helicopter into the ground in the afternoon (on purpose).

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