In Search Of Her Own

He joined her at the window and placed a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. “That’s the way I read it, too, Victoria.”

She turned to face him, tears wetting her cheeks. “I’m scared, Phillip.”

Impulsively he drew her into his arms and gently stroked her back, a friend offering comfort. He whispered against her hair, “It’ll be all right, Victoria. I promise.”

Hearing him say those words, she believed him, as if he truly could make everything right for her—this man of such strength, integrity and sensitivity. She wanted to stay in the warmth of his arms and savor his consolation; she had never felt so safe before. But as he held her she sensed the stirring of something more between them, not just comfort, but a physical attraction. It was the same delicious rush of adrenaline she had felt with Rick Lancer, only better, for she had always been on her guard with Rick. In Phillip’s arms she felt almost as if she were home where she belonged.

She lifted her face to his and for an instant she thought he might kiss her, but even as his lips parted, he released her and stepped back abruptly. “I’m sorry, Victoria. I didn’t mean to—I promise, that won’t happen again.”

She brushed back a stray lock of her burnished hair. She felt flustered, breathless.and disappointed. “Don’t apologize, Phillip, please. I’m sure you were just trying to calm a distraught client.” She laughed feebly. “I suppose it’s all part of the job description, isn’t it?”

“Not until today,” he murmured, smoothing his hair back and straightening his jacket.

It was obvious they both felt at a loss for words, so she said with forced lightness, “What are we going to do, Phillip?”

His brows arched quizzically. “Do?”

“About my case.”

“I knew that,” he said with a sheepish smile. When he spoke again he was all business. “I think we’ll have to confront the Hewletts and see what they have to say.”

“We?”

“I thought you might want to drive down the coast with me and meet them for yourself.”

“Do you think that’s wise?”

“We have no other leads. And frankly, I think the situation warrants a face-to-face meeting with your son’s grandparents.”

“When should we go?”

“I’m free next weekend.”

“All right That works out well for me, too. The school term is over. I’ll be finished with my duties at the university and have my grades turned in by then” She paused and searched Phillip’s eyes. “What will we say to the Hewletts?”

He shrugged. “Let’s see what happens when we get there “

She nodded, then patted Phillip’s arm in a gesture of camaraderie. As anxious as she felt about her son, she was grateful that God had sent her a man like Phillip, a man she sensed she could trust to help her with her quest. She gave him a pleased, slightly abashed smile and said, “I just realized you’ve been here an hour and I haven’t even offered you a cup of coffee “

He grinned and squeezed her hand, the warmth of his touch as pleasurable as a kiss “Thank you, my lady I thought you’d never ask.”

Chapter Five

Early Saturday morning, Phillip and Victoria drove down the coast to Middleton through a slanting, presummer rain After lunch at a local pancake house, they drove to the Hewletts’ home on Blackberry Street. As Phillip pulled up beside the shingled, Victorian-style house, Victoria emitted an exclamation of dismay. “Oh, Phillip, it looks like one of those frightful haunted houses from a horror movie!”

The rambling, slate gray house sat back from the street on a steep, grassy incline Beveled crystal windows, dark green shutters and gingerbread-gothic trim gave it a remote, turn-of-the-century aura Even in the mid-afternoon sunlight, it seemed to possess a life of its own, an ominous presence that tightened a knot of foreboding in Victoria’s stomach.

“Can you believe it, Phillip? To think that this is the home of my child’s grandparents!”

“Not the most inviting place I’ve ever seen, but no use sitting here letting our imaginations run wild” He pulled the door handle. “Guess we’d better go up to the house and see what’s waiting for us inside”

“Wait,” said Victoria. “Both of us going may arouse suspicion. Maybe I should go alone “

“Do you think you can handle it?”

“I’ve got to, for Joshua’s sake.”

“Are you going to tell them who you are?”

“I don’t know. Right now I just want to meet them and see if I can find out something about my son.”

“They may not take well to a prying stranger.”

“I won’t pry. I’ll be very subtle.”

Phillip took her hand and held it for a long moment, his eyes searching hers with a mixture of concern and admiration “You’re quite a courageous young lady, you know that?”

She flashed a grateful smile. “You really think so?”

“I know so.”

“I’ve never considered myself a brave person,” she admitted. “It must be my maternal instincts taking hold. I need to protect my son, whatever the cost”

He squeezed her hand. “You know I’m in your corner, Victoria.”

She nodded, a pleasant warmth flushing her cheeks “You don’t know how much that means to me, Phillip. You’re the one who’s given me the courage to look for my son.”

With obvious reluctance he released her hand. “But if you’re not back here in ten minutes, my brave lady, I’ll come looking for you.”

“Pray for me,” she murmured as she slipped out of the car.

“My prayers haven’t got past the ceiling lately, Victoria,” he called after her.

She looked back at him. “Pray, anyway. My knees are knocking.”

As she approached the massive door with its arched windows and frosted-glass panes, Victoria noticed a small, hand-lettered sign tucked in the molding- Room For Rent. An idea formed as she knocked soundly. A full minute passed before she heard a scuffling sound inside. As the door swung open, a large-boned woman in a flowered, ill-fitting housedress glared out at her.

“Yeah?” the woman grunted, her shrewd, hazel eyes narrowing.

Her brows were thick and unattended; her white, wispy hair was pulled back tightly from her full-lobed ears.

Victoria squared her shoulders and drew in a sharp breath. “Hello,” she said with a buoyancy she didn’t feel. “I—I’m Victoria Carlin—”

“So?” the woman interrupted. She stepped back, a beefy hand on her hip as she gazed appraisingly at Victoria. She had a long horse face with sagging cheeks and a rippling neck. “You selling something?”

“No,” Victoria said quickly. “I—I saw your sign about the room for rent.”

The woman’s thin lips twisted into a smile. “You’re looking for a room? Why didn’t you say so?”

Victoria chose her words carefully. “I’m very interested in finding just the right place.”

“Well, I’ll tell you right up front I’m very particular,” said the woman. “I just put the sign up a few days ago, and I already turned down a couple of drifters I don’t take kindly to strangers in my house, but with times so bad and the pittance we get from Social Security—well, a body has to pay the bills somehow, and my Sam can’t work anymore with his lame back.”

“I know how it is,” said Victoria with genuine sympathy. “It’s very hard to make ends meet these days.”

“And getting harder all the time,” said Maude. “Anyways, you look like a decent sort. Come on in.” She held out her hand. “I’m Maude Hewlett.”

Victoria shook the woman’s hand, then followed her into the dimly lit living room with its antique cherry wood furniture. The heavy drapes were closed, and the flower-print walls were cluttered with primitive paintings and knickknack shelves. Scattered randomly were several artificial plants and wicker baskets overflowing with yarn.

“The room is fifty dollars a week,” said Maude. “Twenty more for meals. I want references and a month’s rent in advance.”

“I’m really not sure I…” Victoria began. She looked around, flustered. The television set was on, distracting her—a game show blaring with overeager contestants laughing, clapping, shrieking.

Victoria’s gaze moved to a framed photograph on top of the TV—a large picture of a young woman and child, their heads together, smiling, the boy’s arms wrapped adoringly around the woman’s neck. Something in the child’s face clicked in Victoria’s memory—the recollection of a photo of herself at age five. The same curly red hair, freckled cheeks and laughing eyes. My son! she thought with a sudden swell of emotion She felt tears gathering, rimming her eyes. She knew she was staring, but she couldn’t pull her gaze away. She wanted desperately to reach out and touch the picture, pick it up, caress it, but she sensed she was raising Maude’s suspicions, so she glanced away before the woman saw her face.

But Maude Hewlett had already followed Victoria’s gaze “That’s my daughter and grandson,” she said matter-of-factly.

“It’s a lovely portrait,” Victoria managed to say.

“They’re both dead,” Maude continued in her detached monotone.

Victoria stared incredulously at her. She felt as if the woman had struck her with a two-by-four. “Both dead?”

“A car accident six months ago.” Maude’s mouth contorted slightly. Her expression hardened as if she were defying Victoria to pity her. She turned abruptly toward the hallway. “You wanna see the room now?”

Victoria clutched the back of a chair. She felt faint; her mind was reeling. Surely it wasn’t true. Her son couldn’t be dead. Oh, God, please, no! Not after I’ve come so close to finding him!

“You coming or not?” inquired Maude sharply.

With great effort Victoria found her voice. “Yes, I—I’m coming.”

The room was small but pleasant enough, with chintz curtains, a polished oak floor with rag rugs and a patchwork quilt on the bed. The dresser mirror was dim with age, the wallpaper yellow and peeling in spots around the mahogany cornices.

“How long you planning to stay, Miss Carlin?” queried Maude.

“I don’t know,” Victoria replied distractedly. How could she carry on a rational conversation when her mind registered only one appalling thought—her son could be dead! Somehow, God help her, she had to convey a semblance of normalcy. “I—I’ll be staying just for the summer,” she said with forced brightness. “I teach up north at a state university. I’m working on my doctorate in contemporary American literature. I need a place with lots of peace and quiet to write my thesis.”

“This is the place,” said Maude. “I don’t like lots of people coming and going. My husband and I keep to ourselves. We don’t mind nobody else’s business and they don’t mind ours.”

“That sounds fair enough,” said Victoria. She inhaled sharply, gathering her courage. “I’ll take the room, Mrs. Hewlett.”

“All right. If your references check out, you can move in first of the week.”

When Victoria finally left the Hewlett home and climbed back into Phillip’s waiting automobile, she felt stunned, emotionally drained. She was trembling and her legs were unsteady. She had held back her feelings with such fierce resolve that now the dam of tears threatened to break. She collapsed into the seat beside Phillip and covered her face with her hands. The anguish tore from her throat in dry, racking sobs.

For an instant Phillip stared helplessly at her, then instinctively he gathered her into his arms. “Victoria, talk to me. Are you okay? What happened?”

She swallowed her sobs and pulled away from him. “I can’t talk yet. Just go. Drive. Get out of here “

Phillip started the car, merged with late-afternoon traffic and drove in silence for several miles, the pulse in his jaw throbbing with tension. Finally he pulled off at a rest stop and parked. “We’ve got to talk, Victoria,” he said, swiveling in the seat to face her. “You were gone so long, I was about to come in after you I never should have let you go in there alone.”

She found a tissue in her purse and blew her nose. “No, Phillip, I had to do it. I—I just didn’t know how hard it would be.”

He slapped his palm against the steering wheel. “I let you down. I’m sorry. I’ve seen enough in this business to know when things aren’t what they should be I was a jerk sending a woman in to do a man’s job.”

“No, Phillip, you did the right thing.”

He grimaced. “Do you feel like talking now? Can you tell me what you found out?”

Her tears started again. “Mrs. Hewlett—she told me—oh, Phillip, she said my son is dead!”

He slipped his arm around her shoulders and gently massaged the back of her neck “She came right out and said it?” he asked with a catch in his voice. “You mean, she knew you were Joshua’s mother? How could she—?”

“No, she didn’t know. But I saw a picture of Joshua, and Mrs. Hewlett noticed me looking at it. Out of the blue she came right out and told me about the accident. She said her grandson died in the crash.”

“To tell a complete stranger such a thing—that’s strange.”

“She seemed like a strange woman. But she was fairly blunt about everything,” Victoria told him “Phillip, is it possible your sources made a mistake? Do you suppose my son really is dead?”

“It’s possible, Victoria, but not likely. My gut feeling is that the Hewletts are hiding something “

“I have that feeling, too,” she said, finally regaining a measure of composure. “That’s why I took the room, Phillip.”

He stopped rubbing her neck. “You did what?”

“There was a room-for-rent sign on the door It seemed like the perfect excuse for my being there. Then when Mrs. Hewlett told me Joshua was dead, I knew I had to stay. I have to find out what happened to my son, Phillip.”

“That’s my job, Victoria.” His expression took on a stony grimness. “There are a lot of crazies in this world. I’m prepared to handle them. You’re not.”

“What are you saying, Phillip?”

“I’m saying I want you to telephone Mrs. Hewlett and tell her you’ve changed your mind about the room.”

“I can’t. I won’t.”

“You must,” Phillip said levelly. “I’ll continue the investigation. I’ll keep you apprised of every detail. But I can’t let you get personally involved like this.”

“I’m already involved,” she protested “I won’t give up the room. Don’t you understand, Phillip? The Hewletts are my only link with my son. I’ve got to find out what they’re hiding, no matter what it costs”

“It could cost you everything,” he warned, his tone edgy, almost accusing With a nervous energy he drummed his fingertips along her neck to her shoulder. Then he pulled her against him and pressed her head against his. Neither of them spoke for a long time. His breathing was ragged, perhaps hers was, too—she couldn’t tell. She could smell the spicy fragrance of his after-shave and the tangy, masculine aroma of his skin. His chin was already showing the faint stubble of a fiveo’clock shadow.

He was holding her almost too tight, but it wasn’t a romantic embrace; it was as if he wanted desperately to protect her but wasn’t sure he could. “I won’t risk losing you,” he said at last, his voice raw with feeling

She didn’t reply, didn’t ask what he meant by such a cryptic statement, but she understood now that a powerful connection was growing between them that went beyond their professional relationship. Perhaps even beyond friendship.

Chapter Six

Monday, May 18, 2:00 p.m.

Believe it or not, I’m packed and ready for the drive to Middleton—ready outwardly, but inside I’m filled with doubts, terrified of facing Mrs. Hewlett again. I keep wondering what horrible secrets she’s keeping. And what if she guesses the truth about me? Could I make matters worse for Joshua by blundering into his life like this, by playing this bizarre charade?

I’ve always been such a cautious person, conscientious to a fault, never stepping outside my boundaries, never testing the limits, except once, of course, with Rick Lancer—and look at the trouble that got me into! But I can’t compare this situation with that one. I’m doing what I have to do to find my son. I must keep reminding myself of that. I can’t rest until I know what happened to him.

The thought that he might be dead haunts me. What kind of mother was I to let him go without knowing what kind of life he would have and what kind of people would raise him? How could I have trusted others so completely to do what was best for my son? And how could I have had so little faith in my own ability—and right—to care for him?

Not that I have great reserves of faith in myself even now. When my parents were alive my life was so simple and straightforward I tried relentlessly to be their obedient daughter, to make them proud of me; and even though I often failed, I was consumed with trying.

Now that I’m alone, my life is in chaos. I don’t know who to try to please, except God—and all too often He has my father’s voice, so that I can’t distinguish between the two; I can’t tell what God wants for me and what my father would have wanted I don’t want to hear my father’s voice anymore, but it’s there; I can’t get it out of my head.

I know I ought to think about pleasing myself for a change, but even that idea is distressing, because I don’t know what I want. I’ve spent too many years denying my desires. I want my son, but I have no idea where my search for him will lead me, nor what it will cost—not in dollars, but the emotional drain.

And to complicate matters even further, there’s Phillip. Without meaning to, he’s turned my life upside down and thrown my mind into the worst sort of turmoil and confusion. Even as I value his help and friendship, I find myself longing for more from him—yearning for him to see me as a woman, to cherish and caress me and make me feel loved And at the same time, the idea of a romantic relationship strikes terror in my heart. In the very same breath I want to pull him close and push him away. How can I give my love to another man after what Rick Lancer did to me? How can I trust him? Or myself?

Even though I’m filled with doubts, I can’t let Phillip see my misgivings, or he’d never let me drive to Middleton alone. When he comes to say goodbye this afternoon, I must put on a brave, smiling face and pretend that I have every confidence in the world.

Dear God, help me to put my confidence in You!

“I still don’t like you going,” Phillip told Victoria shortly after four o’clock as he carried her suitcases out to her car. “It’s just too risky.”

Victoria followed with her pillow, makeup case and a sack of crackers and cheese. “Really, Phillip, you’re thinking like a detective now. What risk is there in spending a few weeks with an elderly couple who just happen to be my son’s grandparents?” Now if only she felt as brave as she sounded! She prayed Phillip wouldn’t see through her bravado; if he guessed how frightened she was, he’d never let her go.

“It’s not that simple and you know it,” he told her, his dark umber eyes shadowed as he looked at her.

Victoria felt warmed by his concern. If only he were going with her! She had known him for such a short time and already she felt lost without him. “I’ll be fine, Phillip, believe me,” she assured him. And if he believed that, she was a better actress than she thought. “I’ll keep in touch, I promise. And if I find out anything at all, I’ll let you know.”

He pulled her into his arms. “I—lI can’t let you go.”

Softly she said, “You can’t stop me, Phillip.”

His brows furrowed. “I wish I could go with you.”

“You can’t. You have your work. I’m sure you have lots of other clients needing your help.”

“You’re the only client on my mind right now.” He pushed her hair back gently from her face and moved his knuckles slowly over her cheekbone. He lowered his face to hers and she had the impression that he wanted to kiss her goodbye, but instead he brushed his lips against her forehead and released her. “Be careful, you hear?”

She managed a tremulous smile. “I will.”

He squeezed her hand tightly as she slipped into the driver’s seat. “Call me when you get there.”

“It’ll be late,” she warned.

“That’s all right I’m a night owl at heart.”

As she waved a last goodbye and pulled out of the driveway, she felt a disconcerting reluctance to go. She dreaded the long drive down the coast alone, but even more so she hated leaving Phillip.

“I can’t let myself feel this way,” she chided herself as she turned onto the freeway heading south. “My involvement with Phillip was supposed to remain strictly professional. All right, who am I kidding? We’ve become friends, but that’s all it’s going to be. Neither Phillip nor I are ready for an emotional entanglement. It’s the last thing either of us wants.”

She sounded so certain, so positive. Why then wasn’t her heart listening?

The drive down the coast was longer than Victoria remembered. It had seemed so short last Saturday riding with Phillip. They had been so engrossed in conversation that the miles had flown by. Now the miles dragged with a dull, grudging sameness.

The closer Victoria got to Middleton, the more her son weighed on her mind. Would she be able to solve the mystery of Joshua? Would she find him? And what would she find? Dear God, please let me find my boy, and please let him be all right Let him be alive! Give me a chance to see him, and know him, and love him!

When at last Victoria pulled into the Hewlett driveway on Blackberry Street, her head throbbed and her back ached. Was it the long drive or the anticipation of her stay with the Hewletts? In the heavy, fog-shrouded darkness, the rambling old house looked more ominous than ever. Victoria shuddered. If Phillip were with me, I wouldn’t be afraid, she thought, and immediately cast the idea aside. Forget Phillip, she scolded silently.

As she climbed out of the car, she arched her shoulders, then strode purposefully up the walk to the porch. Lights were on inside, so someone was home. She knocked soundly, her heart pounding. It was ridiculous to feel so nervous. There was nothing to fear. She had come to find the answers about her son Nothing else mattered now.

After a minute the door opened and a tall, angular man in glasses and a striped work shirt stared down at her. He was bald except for a patch of gray-black hair on each side of his head His long, thin, hangdog face merged unceremoniously with his neck. “Miss Clarkin?” he muttered.

“Carlin,” she corrected.

“In your letter you said you was arriving today. I didn’t expect you meant after dark.”

“It was a longer drive than I remembered.” She looked past him into the living room. “May I come in?”

He stepped back slowly and nodded, but his small, dark eyes remained fastened on her through his thick lenses. “Make yourself at home.” His voice was monotone.

“You must be—” she began.

“Sam Hewlett.” He looked over at the heavyset woman in the kitchen doorway. “You already met Maude.”

Victoria nodded and forced a smile. “It’s good to see you again, Mrs. Hewlett”

“You missed dinner,” snapped the woman. “It’s at six sharp. I can’t keep things sitting, getting cold.”

“I picked up a bite on my way,” Victoria told her. “I’m really very tired. I’d just like to bring my things in and go to my room.”

Maude’s expression softened. “It’s too late for dinner, but I got some herb tea brewing. It’s called Almond Pleasure. Smells real good, don’t it?”

Victoria smiled relentingly. “It smells wonderful.”

Maude gestured to Sam. “You go help her bring in her stuff. I’ll pour the tea and set out some glazed doughnuts.”

With Sam’s help, Victoria quickly transferred her belongings from her compact car to the old-fashioned bedroom that would be hers. Now, sitting across from the Hewletts in their cozy, Early American kitchen, Victoria wondered why she had felt so nervous. Although the Hewletts were rather gruff, unschooled people, they seemed like decent, unpretentious folk. Perhaps it had been nothing more than Victoria’s overactive imagination that had aroused her suspicions about them in the first place.