Wanting What She Can't Have

“You’re going to be quite the heartbreaker, aren’t you, young lady?”

The baby’s chin began to wrinkle and her lower lip to quiver. Her thumb fell from her mouth and she let rip with a wail, her blue eyes filling with tears as she stared past Alexis.

“Oh, dear, was it something I said?”

Alexis pushed herself up into a sitting position and pulled the baby into her lap, rubbing her back in an attempt to soothe her but to no avail. A prickle of awareness up her spine made her realize they were no longer alone.

She swiveled her head and saw Raoul standing there behind them, frozen to the spot. His usually tan face was a sickly shade of gray.

“What’s wrong with her? Why’s she crying?” he demanded, his voice harsh and setting Ruby to cry even harder.

“Raoul, are you okay?” she asked, lithely getting to her feet and holding the baby against her.

His eyes were clamped on Ruby who buried her face into Alexis’s chest and continued to cry.

“I’m fine,” he said tightly, looking anything but. “Why’s she crying like that?”

“I assume it’s because she got a bit of a fright when you came into the room. Plus, this is all strange to her, isn’t it? Being here, missing Catherine, having me around.”

He nodded. “Please, can’t you do something to calm her?”

Alexis gave him a rueful smile. “I’m doing my best,” she said, jiggling Ruby gently. “Perhaps you could soften your tone a little?”

He made a dismissive gesture with one hand. “I’d prefer you keep the child confined to her room while I’m in the house.”

“But this is her home. You are kidding me, right?” Alexis said incredulously.

His eyes dragged from Ruby’s sobbing form to Alexis’s face.

“No. I’m not.”

He turned to walk out of the living room, but Alexis would have none of it.

“Stop right there,” she said with as much authority as she could muster. “You act like Ruby is an unwanted stranger here. She’s your daughter for goodness’ sake.”

Raoul turned around slowly. “It wasn’t my wish for her to come here and her presence is disruptive. As her nanny, your role is to confine your skills and your opinions to her care and her care alone. Is that understood?”

Alexis didn’t recognize the man in front of her. Sure, he mostly looked like the same Raoul Benoit she’d been introduced to shortly before he married her best friend, and he sounded the same. Her body certainly still had the same response to his presence, that unsettling thrill of awareness that buzzed along her nerve endings whenever she was near him. But the words... They weren’t the words of a bereaved husband or a caring father. And he did care—whether he wanted to admit it or not. So why was he trying so hard to distance himself from Ruby?

“Is that understood?” he repeated. “Your charge is distressed. I suggest you do whatever it is that you need to do to calm her and do it quickly.”

He tried to sound aloof but she could see the lines of strain around his eyes. It pulled at his heart to hear his little girl cry. She knew it as sure as she knew the reflection of her own face in the mirror each morning.

“Here, you take her for me and I’ll go and get her dinner ready. It’s time for her evening meal, anyway.”

He took a rapid step back and looked as her as if she’d suggested he tip vinegar into a barrel of his finest wine.

“Are you telling me you’re incapable of fulfilling your duties as a nanny?”

“No,” she said as patiently as she could. “Of course not. I thought you might like to hold your daughter to distract her, while I prepare her something to eat before her bath.”

“I don’t pay you to hand the baby over to me, Alexis,” he said bluntly before spinning around and leaving the room as silently as he’d entered it.

Ruby lifted her little head to peer around Alexis carefully, putting her thumb firmly back in her mouth when she was satisfied her father had departed.

“Well, that didn’t go quite as well as I expected,” Alexis said softly to the little girl. “I thought your grandmother might be exaggerating when she said that your daddy didn’t have anything to do with you. Looks like we have our work cut out for us, hmm?”

She kissed the top of Ruby’s head and, adjusting her a little higher on her hip, took her through to the kitchen. Grabbing a paper towel, she moistened it under the faucet and gently wiped tear tracks from two chubby little cheeks. Ruby clearly wasn’t a fan of paper towels and Alexis made a mental note to search out the muslin squares she’d seen amongst the baby’s things in the nursery. She popped Ruby into her high chair and gave her a plain cookie to chew on—who said you couldn’t start dinner with dessert every now and again?—while she scanned Catherine’s comprehensive notes on Ruby’s diet and sleeping times. The baby was still napping twice in a day and, after a 250 ml bottle at bedtime, pretty much slept through the night except for when she was cutting a tooth.

It all looked very straightforward. Alexis sighed and looked at the little girl. How could Raoul not want to be a part of her care? The very idea was almost impossible to contemplate. If she hadn’t heard him just a few moments ago she would have denied that he could possibly be so cold.

But was he really cold? There’d been something flickering in his hazel eyes that she hadn’t quite been able to identify. Thinking back on it, could it have been fear? Could he be afraid of his own daughter?

Ruby chose that moment to wearily rub at her eyes with cookie-goop-covered hands, galvanizing Alexis back into action. If she was going to get a dinner inside the tot she needed to feed her now before she fell asleep in her high chair. After coaxing Ruby through her meal of reheated soft-cooked ravioli, which Catherine had thoughtfully made and supplied for tonight, she held Ruby carefully over the kitchen sink and turned on the cold tap, letting her clap her little hands in the stream as the water washed away the food residue.

“I think you’re wearing about as much food as you’ve eaten.” Alexis laughed as she used a clean tea towel to dry their hands and give Ruby’s face a quick wipe before whisking her back through the house to the nursery.

After a bath and a new diaper, fresh pajamas, and a bottle, Ruby was down in her crib. Alexis rubbed her back for a little while, concerned she might not settle in what were obviously strange surroundings, but it seemed her earlier upset had worn Ruby out and she was asleep in no time. After Alexis checked to ensure the baby monitor was on, she clipped its partner to the loop of her jeans and left the room.

Outside in the hall she came to a halt. She really didn’t know what to do next. Should she seek out Raoul and press him for more explanation over his behavior earlier, or simply carry on as if nothing had happened? She worried at her lower lip with her teeth. Until she’d seen him again today she would have done the former of the two—without question. But after that stilted, almost hostile, encounter, she was reluctant to muddy the waters between them any more than they already were.

She still needed to unpack her things, so she went into the master bedroom where she’d put her suitcase earlier on. The door to the walk-in wardrobe stood open and she gravitated toward it. One side was completely bare of anything but naked hangers, the other still filled with women’s clothing. Her heart stuttered in her chest as she reached out and touched a few of the things hanging there, as a hint of Bree’s favorite scent wafted out.

That awful sense of emptiness filled her again along with a renewed feeling of deep sympathy for the man who hadn’t yet been able to bring himself to pack his dead wife’s things away. She stepped out of the wardrobe and closed the door behind her, turning instead to the native rimu tallboy that stood proud against one wall. The drawers were empty, so she filled them with her things, then shoved her now-redundant case into the wardrobe without looking again at the silent memorial that still hung there.

A knock at her door make her start.

“Yes?” she called out.

The door opened and Raoul filled the frame. Instantly her senses sprang to life. Her body hummed with that almost electric responsiveness to his proximity—her eyes roaming over him, taking in the way his clothing hung just a little too loosely on his rangy frame. It was hard to believe he was the same man as before. But then again, he wasn’t, was he? He’d been through hell and she needed to remember that as she tackled her new role. To perhaps be a little less judgmental.

For all the differences—from subtle to striking—in his appearance and in his manner, there was no doubting the instant effect he had on her equilibrium. Even now she could feel her heart beat that little bit faster, her breathing become a little more shallow. She dug her fingernails into her palms in an attempt to distract herself from her reaction to him.

“I just wanted to make sure you’d settled in okay,” he said stiffly, not quite meeting her eyes.

She nodded, unsure of what to say about Bree’s things. Or even if she should say anything about them at all.

“The baby’s quiet now. Is she all right?”

“Ruby’s down for the night. Catherine tells me she usually goes through until about six-thirty, or seven, so as long as she isn’t unsettled by sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, you shouldn’t hear from her again until morning.”

“How do you know she’s okay? You’re not with her right now.”

Alexis tapped the monitor on her belt loop. “I have the monitor. As soon as she stirs I’ll know, trust me.”

“Hmm, are you sure it’s working?”

“It looked pretty new when I removed it from the packaging and I put fresh batteries in this unit myself before Ruby arrived.”

He flinched slightly and Alexis took a moment to realize why. Of course, he and Bree would have bought all the things in the nursery in readiness for when they brought their infant home for the first time. Bree was likely the last person to have touched that monitor before Alexis.

“They might be old. I’ll get you new ones. Make sure you change them immediately.”

Alexis fought the urge to salute at his command. Instead she merely inclined her head. He was showing concern, which was a good thing even if she wished it came with a less imperious tone.

“Is there anything else? I thought I might start getting our evening meal ready. Ruby obviously ate earlier but now I have time to put something together for us. Will you be joining me?”

“No.” His response was emphatic. “I’ll see to myself.”

“It’s no bother. I may as well cook for two adults as for one. I’ll leave your meal warming in the oven.”

His body sagged, as if he was giving up in this battle—perhaps choosing to shore up his strength for another time. “Thank you.”

“If you change your mind about eating with me, feel free. It’d be nice to catch up. Or, if you’d rather, have breakfast with Ruby and me in the morning. It’d be good for her to spend more time with her dad, and good for you, too.”

Raoul sighed and swiped one hand across his face. She saw his jaw clench before he spoke again.

“Look, I know you’re determined to do what you think is the right thing, but you and the baby being here is a complication I can do without. Don’t make it any harder for me than it already has to be.”

“But—”

“No buts, Alexis. I mean it. If there had been any other alternative to this, believe me, I would have chosen it. Once Catherine is mobile again I expect things to return to normal.”

“Normal? But this isn’t normal, is it? Not by any stretch of the imagination,” Alexis protested. “Bree wouldn’t have wanted you to be so distant from your own flesh and blood.”

He paled as if he’d been dealt a mortal blow. “Don’t,” he said brokenly, shaking his head and backing toward the door. “Don’t throw that at me. You have no idea—” He shook his head once more. “Just do what you were hired to do, Alexis. End of topic.”

He was gone in an instant and Alexis wrapped her arms around herself in a vain attempt to provide some comfort for herself where there was none. So, it seemed she couldn’t even mention her best friend without making Raoul run. That he’d loved her deeply was patently obvious. But how could that love not extend to their little girl?

Three

Raoul lay in bed unable to sleep any longer. It was time he rose anyway, time to escape to the winery before Alexis and Ruby took over the house. No longer was his home the quiet sanctuary contained by the boundaries of his property. No longer was coming to the house a peaceful pilgrimage to the past. No longer was it his safe place where he could be alone with his memories.

They’d been here a week—a hellishly long time, in his estimation—and since Alexis’s and the baby’s arrival he spent as little time as humanly possible in the house. And since he still wasn’t ready to face the world at large, that meant he spent as much time as he could in the winery where he wasn’t constantly being distracted by the presence of two very unsettling females.

Just yesterday he’d caught Alexis shifting things in the sitting room—raising the tide line, she’d called it—because Ruby was pulling herself up on the furniture and starting to walk around things, grabbing for whatever she could reach. While he understood the necessity of keeping Ruby safe, the idea of changing anything from the way Bree had left it was profoundly unsettling.

He yawned widely. Sleep had been as elusive last night as it had been since Alexis’s accusation of his behavior being abnormal. Her words had stung. She had no idea what he went through every time he looked at Ruby. Every time he saw a miniature Bree seated before him. He’d almost managed to bring the shock of pain under control, but the echoing empty loss that came hard on its heels unraveled him in ways he didn’t even want to begin to acknowledge.

And then there was the fear—an awful irrational beast that built up in his chest and threatened to consume him. What if Ruby got sick, or was hurt? What if he didn’t know what to do, or didn’t react fast enough? It was an almost unbearable sense of responsibility lessened only slightly by knowing Alexis was here shouldering the bulk of it. Raoul shoved aside his bedcovers and got out of bed, yanking his pajama bottoms up higher on his hips. Everything slid off him these days. It hadn’t mattered when he was here alone but now, with his privacy totally invaded, he had to be a little more circumspect. Even locked in his antisocial bubble he could see that.

Suddenly his senses went on full alert, his skin awash with a chill of terror as he heard a muted thump come from the nursery followed by a sharp cry from the baby. For a second he was frozen, but another cry followed hard on the heels of the first, sending him flying down the hallway toward God only knew what disaster. His heart felt too big in his chest, its beat too rapid, and he fought to drag in a shuddering breath as he reached the doorway, almost too afraid to open the door and look inside.

Ruby’s howls had increased several decibels. Where the hell was Alexis? The child’s care was her job. Reluctantly, he turned the handle and pushed open the door. He winced as Ruby let out another earsplitting yell. Something had to be horribly wrong, he was sure. Fine tremors racked his body as he visually examined the red-faced infant standing up in her crib, howling her throat out.

His eyes flew over her, searching for some visible cause for her distress. She was so small—miniature everything from the tiny feet tipped with even tinier toes to the top of her auburn fuzzed head—all except for the sound bellowing from her lungs.

Clearly nothing wrong with those.

There was absolutely nothing he could see that could be responsible for her upset. Nothing external, anyway. Fear twisted in his stomach as he took a step into the room. It was always what you couldn’t see that was the most dangerous.

One pudgy little hand gripped the top rail of the side of her crib, the other reached out helplessly...toward what? Looking around, he spotted a toy on the floor. From its position, he’d guess that it had been in the crib with her and she’d flung it across the room. And still she screamed.

Was that all this was about? A stupid toy?

He gingerly picked up the mangled black-and-white zebra and handed it to her, avoiding actual physical contact. The sobs ceased for a moment—but only a moment before she hurled it back to the floor, plonked herself down on her bottom on her mattress and began once more to howl.

“Oh, dear, so it’s going to be one of those days, is it?”

Alexis bustled past him and toward the crib.

“Where the hell have you been? She’s been crying for ages,” Raoul demanded, pushing one hand through his hair.

“About a minute, actually, but yes, I agree, it feels like forever when she’s upset.”

She competently lifted Ruby from the crib and hugged her to her body. Raoul became instantly aware of how the child snuggled against Alexis’s scantily clad form—in particular Alexis’s full, unbound breasts that were barely covered by a faded singlet. She wore it over pajama shorts that, heaven help him, rode low on her softly curved hips and high on her tanned legs.

A surge of heat slowly rolled through his body, making his skin feel tight—uncomfortable with recognition of her lush femininity. But then he became aware of something else.

“What is that god-awful smell?”

“Probably the reason why she’s awake earlier than normal. She needs a clean diaper and she’s very fussy about that. It’s good really, it’ll make potty training so much easier later on. Some kids are absolutely oblivious.”

Raoul backed out of the room. “Are you sure that’s all? Maybe she ought to see the doctor and get checked out.”

Alexis just laughed. The sound washed over him like a gentle caress—its touch too much, too intimate.

“I see nothing to laugh about. She might be sick,” he said, his body rigid with anxiety.

“Oh, no. Nothing like that,” Alexis replied, her back to him as she laid Ruby down on her change table.

With one hand gently on the baby’s tummy, she reached for a packet of wipes, the movement making the already short hemline of her pajama shorts ride even higher and exposing the curve of one buttock. The warmth that had previously invaded his body now ignited to an instant inferno. He turned away from the scene before him, as much to hide his stirring erection as to avoid watching the diaper change.

He turned back a minute later, almost under complete control once more, as Alexis dropped the soiled packet into the diaper bin, one Raoul distinctly remembered Bree ordering in a flurry of nursery accessory buying the day they discovered she was pregnant. He didn’t even remember when it had arrived or who had put it in here. He should probably have given it to Catherine but here it was, being used in a nursery he’d never imagined being used at all after Bree’s death.

“Raoul? Are you okay?”

Alexis’s voice interrupted his thoughts, dragging him back into the here and now as she always did.

“I’m fine,” he asserted firmly, as if saying the words could actually make them true.

“Good, then please hold Ruby while I go and wash my hands.”

Before he could protest, she’d thrust the baby against his chest. Instinctively he put out his arms, regretting the movement the instant his hands closed around the little girl’s tiny form. His stomach lurched and he felt physically ill with fear. He’d never held her before. Ever. What if he did something wrong, or hurt her? What if she started crying again? He looked down into the blue eyes of his daughter, eyes that were so like her mother’s. Her dark brown lashes were spiked together with tears and to his horror he saw her eyes begin to fill again, saw her lip begin to wobble. He couldn’t do this, he really couldn’t do this.

“Thanks, Raoul, I can take her back now if you like?”

Relief swamped him at Alexis’s return and he passed the baby back to her with lightning speed. But the moment his arms were empty something weird happened. It was as if he actually missed the slight weight in his arms, the feel of that little body up against his own, the sensation of the rapidly drawn breaths in her tiny chest, the warmth of her skin.

He took one step back, then another. No, he couldn’t feel this way. He couldn’t afford to love and lose another person the way he’d lost Bree. Ruby was still small, so much could go wrong. He forced himself to ignore the tug in his chest and the emptiness in his arms and dragged his gaze from the little girl now staring back at him, wide-eyed as she bent her head into Alexis’s chest, the fingers of one hand twirling in Alexis’s shoulder-length honey-blond hair.

“Are you absolutely certain she’s all right?” he asked gruffly.

Alexis smiled. “Of course, she’s fine, although she might be a bit cranky later this morning and need a longer nap than normal thanks to this early start today.”

“Don’t hesitate to take her to the doctor if you’re worried.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

Her voice softened and his eyes caught with hers. Was it pity he saw there reflected in their dark brown depths? He felt his defenses fly back up around him. He needed no one’s pity. Not for anything. He was doing just fine by himself, thank you very much. And that was just the way he preferred it.

Except he wasn’t by himself anymore, was he? He had Ruby and Alexis to contend with, and goodness only knew they both affected him on entirely different levels. Feeling overwhelmed he turned around and strode from the room, determined to keep as much distance between himself and them as possible.

* * *

Alexis watched him go, unable to stop herself from enjoying the view, finally letting out a sigh and turning away when he hitched up his pajama bottoms before they dipped any lower. He’d always been a beautiful man and it had almost hurt her eyes to see him nearly naked like that. His weight loss had only given his muscled strength more definition, particularly the long lean line that ran from his hip down under the waistband of his pants. Oh, yes, he still pinged every single one of her feminine receptors—big time.

She’d been glad for the distraction of settling Ruby or she might have done something stupid—like reach out and touch him. She might have followed that line to see what lay beneath it. To see whether she’d imagined his reaction to her own body before he’d so valiantly controlled it back into submission. Her mouth dried and her fingertips tingled at the thought. She closed her eyes briefly in an attempt to force the visual memory of him from her mind but it only served to imprint him even deeper.

No, acting on her ridiculous impulses would only complicate things beyond control. Her attraction to him was just as pointless as it had always been, and dwelling on it wouldn’t do either one of them any good. She was here to do a job and she was doing it well—no matter how often he’d already managed to suggest otherwise in the short time she’d been here.

She’d taken a risk making him hold Ruby like that but it had given her the answer to a question she’d been asking herself all week. And just as she’d suspected, big, strong, successful Raoul Benoit was scared. Terrified, to be exact. Not so much of his own daughter—although, there was something of that, too—but for her.

Alexis hummed as she collected a few toys for Ruby to play with while she took the baby to her room so she could get dressed for the day. As she did so, her mind turned over her discovery. It all began to make sense. His reluctance to be in the same room as Ruby, to hold her or to interact with her in any way. His near obsession with her safety. Obviously he’d felt she was secure in her grandmother’s care, somewhere where he could ensure she was out of sight and out of mind. Someone else’s problem.

But when she was close enough for him to hear her cries, all his fears took over. His instincts as a father had clearly propelled him into Ruby’s room when she had woken this morning, but once there he had hardly any idea of what to do with them. She could help with that, could teach him—if he’d let her.