A Baby Of His Own

‘See? It wasn’t that difficult to do what I suggested, was it?’

‘Meaning that I should always follow your suggestions? I don’t think so.’

She opened the driver’s door but he put out his hand as she went to get into the car. ‘Why not, if they make sense? Or are you so determined to pay me back for wanting to get to know my own child that you’d do anything to spite me?’

‘I don’t give a damn about you, Connor! I’m not interested in paying you back or being spiteful. The only person I care about is Izzy and I won’t have you breaking her heart!’

‘Breaking her heart?’ he repeated, knowing that he must sound as shocked as he felt. He gripped hold of the door when she tried to wrench it out of his grasp. ‘You’re not going anywhere until you explain what you meant by that. Why on earth would I want to break my own daughter’s heart?’

‘Because it’s what will happen if she gets in the way of your precious career. Oh, you might think that you want to play the doting father at the moment, but what’s going to happen in a few months’ time when you realise that having a child means having a lot of extra responsibilities? Which will come first then, Connor—your career or your daughter?’

‘That’s ridiculous,’ he protested, but she didn’t allow him to finish.

‘No, it’s the truth. Everything you do is geared to one thing and one thing only: your career. You don’t have time for anything else, so do you really think it’s fair to upset Izzy’s life on a whim?’

‘It isn’t a whim! And I have no intention of upsetting her life. I plan on being a proper father to her and nothing you can say will make me change my mind about that.’

He glanced round as a car further along the row started up. There were a lot of staff leaving at the end of their shifts and he realised they couldn’t continue the discussion when they might be overheard. He had no intention of trying to hide the fact that he was Izzy’s father, but they needed to sort this out in private, although any hopes he’d had of reaching an agreement with Lucy were rapidly disappearing.

‘We need to talk about this and we can’t do it here,’ he said bluntly, trying not to think about what had led her to have such a low opinion of him. He’d always prided himself on his honesty and had never made any secret of the fact that he hadn’t been looking for commitment so why was she behaving as though he’d let her down?

He hurried on because he didn’t know how to deal with all these new and strange emotions that kept assailing him. ‘What time does Izzy go to bed?’

‘I don’t have time to talk to you tonight or any other night, for that matter,’ she declared, but he was in no mood to placate her.

‘Then I suggest you make time, because I’m not prepared to wait until you decide that you do feel like talking to me.’ He stared back at her, feeling his heart ache when he saw the fear that flickered in her soft brown eyes.

‘She usually goes to bed at seven. Leave it until after then so you don’t upset her routine.’

‘Let’s make it seven-thirty,’ he said gruffly, feeling like a heel for scaring her. ‘Are you still living in the same place?’

‘No. I moved out of there before Izzy was born.’

She told him her new address then got into the car. Connor didn’t say anything else as she closed the door. Apologising would have put him in a very vulnerable position and she had to believe that he was serious about this or she would do her best to cut him out of Izzy’s life.

It was still pouring down with rain as he walked back across the car park and the weather seemed to mirror his dejection at the way things had gone. He’d handled the situation very badly and he would have to try a lot harder in the future if he wasn’t going to alienate Lucy.

He sighed. Despite what he’d told her, he didn’t want to have to resort to a messy court hearing to gain access to Izzy. He would much prefer it if they could reach an agreement by themselves although if he couldn’t make Lucy see sense, he might not have any option except to apply to the courts.

The thought of the heartache that would cause was very hard to deal with. His spirits had sunk to an all-time low by the time he reached the paediatric unit. He could barely raise a smile when he met Bea Francis in the corridor and saw her surprise at his bedraggled state.

‘I’d forgotten about the joys of a British summer.’

‘So it would appear.’ She grinned at him. ‘So much for Lucy’s theory that you came back because you were missing our glorious weather!’

Connor drummed up a smile but it hurt to know that Lucy preferred to joke about the reason for his return rather than admit the truth. She was determined that no one would find out that he was Izzy’s father and he knew how difficult it was going to be to change her mind. It was a relief when Bea asked him if he’d take a look a Sophie Fisher because it was easier to focus on work than his own problems.

He quickly changed into a clean set of scrubs then made his way to the high-dependency unit. Dee was there and he could tell immediately that she wasn’t happy about the little girl’s condition. He checked the ECG tracing and understood immediately why she was so concerned. Sophie was exhibiting clear signs of ventricular fibrillation—rapid, uncoordinated and ineffective heart contractions. It was a common complication of myocardial infarction and although it could be successfully resolved by the use of drugs in many cases, the drugs weren’t working in this instance.

‘She’ll need cardioversion. I can do it here but I need to inform her parents first about what’s happening.’

‘They’re in the relatives’ room,’ Dee told him.

‘I’ll have a word with them and come straight back.’

Connor left the room and went to find the child’s parents. He waved them back to their seats and pulled up a chair, knowing how difficult this would be for them. ‘My name is Connor Mackenzie and I’m the new head of the paediatric unit,’ he told them, keeping the introductions brief. ‘I’m afraid that Sophie isn’t responding as well as we’d hoped she would to the drugs that were meant to settle her heart back into its proper rhythm.’

‘So what’s going to happen?’ Mrs Fisher asked anxiously.

‘I’ll have to perform cardioversion to restore her heart’s natural rhythm.’

‘Cardioversion? I’m sorry, Dr Mackenzie, but you’ve lost me.’ Mr Fisher leant forward in his seat and Connor could see the fear in his eyes. ‘It’s not another operation, is it? Sophie was fine until they took her to that theatre.’

‘No, it’s not an operation and we’ll be able to do it right here in the high-dependency unit.’

He smiled reassuringly, thinking about all the times he’d been in this position. Reassuring parents was all part of his job and he’d always prided himself on his caring yet straightforward approach. However, he’d never fully appreciated before how stressful it must be for them to have to entrust their child to a stranger. All of a sudden, it was as though he could feel the Fishers’ fear, and it shocked him that he could empathise with them to such an extent.

‘It’s quite a simple procedure. I’ll administer a brief electric shock to Sophie’s heart. It’s done by placing two special metal paddles on the chest wall, one below her right clavicle—her collar-bone—and the other just about here…’ he pointed to his own chest ‘…over the cardiac apex. The sudden burst of electricity should restore her heart’s natural rhythm.’

‘And you’re sure it will work?’ Mrs Fisher asked desperately. ‘Sophie will be all right, won’t she?’

‘I’m very hopeful about the outcome,’ Connor said gently, wishing he could give the poor woman a cast-iron guarantee. It simply wasn’t possible to do that so he smiled at the couple as he stood up. ‘I’ll come back to see you as soon as it’s over, so try not to worry too much.’

It was the same advice he’d given to hundreds of parents over the years but as he made his way back to the high-dependency unit, he found himself wondering how he would react if Izzy was about to undergo the procedure. It didn’t bear thinking about, and it made him see that his life as he’d known it had changed for ever. Now that he had a child of his own, he would find it far more difficult to keep a rein on his emotions.

Just for a moment, he found himself wondering if he’d been right to come back to Dalverston to claim his daughter. What if he couldn’t handle the responsibility of being a parent, as Lucy had said? He didn’t want to hurt Izzy—it was the last thing he wanted to do! But how could he be sure that he would be a good father to Izzy when he had no real experience of what a parent was supposed to do? What if all his good intentions weren’t enough, and he ended up making a mess of things?

Connor took a deep breath. This was neither the time nor the place to worry about that. Right now he had to concentrate on what he did best—and save a child’s life.

It was well past seven before Lucy managed to get Izzy to sleep. Normally she had no problem settling the little girl down for the night but the change to her daily routine had obviously unsettled her.

She tiptoed from the bedroom, sighing when she saw all the toys that were strewn around the sitting-room. It had been a mad dash to get ready that morning for work. She had been intending to clear up as soon as she’d got home but she’d not had a chance because Izzy had been so fretful. However, she certainly didn’t want Connor to see the flat in this state or he really would think that she couldn’t cope!

She had just started to clear up the toys when the doorbell rang and she groaned. It was typical bad luck that he should be early when she’d wanted to be all prepared before he arrived. She went to let him in, trying to ignore the jolt her heart gave when he brushed against her as he stepped into the hall. Allowing herself to think of Connor as anything more than a threat would be a big mistake.

‘You’re early,’ she said sharply, leading the way into the sitting-room.

‘Am I?’ He checked his watch and shrugged. ‘What’s five minutes between friends?’

Lucy forbore to say anything but if he’d been trying to goad her by that comment, he’d succeeded. They weren’t friends and never would be now! Her heart suddenly lurched and she quickly battened it down. It wouldn’t help to start remembering what they had been once upon a time.

‘It looks like a tornado has hit this place.’ He smiled as he looked around the room. ‘You were always such a neat freak, too, Lucy. You used to get all uptight if I left anything out of place when I stayed overnight.’

‘Did I? I’m afraid I don’t remember.’

She bent down and quickly gathered up a handful of building blocks, refusing to be drawn into a discussion about the past. It didn’t matter what had happened then because it was all over and done with. She and Connor no longer shared their lives. The only link between them now was Izzy and if she had her way, it was a link that would be severed as soon as possible.

‘Don’t you? How strange.’ He crouched down beside her and picked up a stuffed rabbit which had one eye missing. He tossed it into the toy box then glanced at her. ‘I remember it all, Lucy, all the fun we had, all the laughter…everything.’

‘Then your memory must be better than mine obviously is.’

She stood up abruptly, unsure why he was going down this route. Did he think that he could soften her up by telling her that he remembered the time they’d spent together? They had gone out together for six months and it had been a happy time, too, probably the best time in her entire life. But if it had really meant anything to him then he would never have left her, would he?

The thought brought a rush of emotions with it and she turned away, terrified that he would see how vulnerable she felt. She’d tried her best to get over him so she could make a life for herself and Izzy, but there was no point pretending that he didn’t still have the power to affect her.

‘I’ll make some coffee,’ she said, heading towards the tiny kitchen.

‘That would be great. Thanks.’

Lucy went into the kitchen and filled the kettle then stood there while the water boiled. She couldn’t face going back until she had herself under control again. Connor might be making an effort to appear friendly but she mustn’t be fooled into thinking that it meant he would give up his quest to play a part in Izzy’s life. Once he made up his mind, he rarely changed it, so all she could do now was to protect her daughter the best way she could. He wasn’t going to break Izzy’s heart as he had broken hers.

CHAPTER FOUR

‘THANKS.’

Connor took the mug of coffee that Lucy offered him and sat down. Now that the time had come to talk, he wasn’t sure how to begin. He didn’t want to antagonise her, but he needed to make it clear that he was determined to play an active part in Izzy’s life—with or without her consent. Her main objection seemed to stem from the fear that he would grow tired of the responsibility of being a father, so maybe he should try to reassure that he had given the situation a lot of careful thought.

‘I know it must have been a shock for you when I turned up today,’ he said, easing himself into the conversation. ‘With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that I should have got in touch with you before I left Boston.’

‘It would have been less stressful for both of us if you had done,’ she said coolly, sitting down.

Connor might have believed that she was completely in control of herself if he hadn’t noticed the way her hands trembled as she lifted the cup of coffee to her lips. His heart contracted when he realised that her composure was merely a façade. Inside, Lucy was terrified about what was happening and he hated having to put her through such an ordeal. But he didn’t have a choice. He intended to be there for Izzy, no matter what it cost him or Lucy to achieve his objective.

‘It would. And I can only apologise that I didn’t realise it sooner.’ He shrugged. It wouldn’t help his case if he let her see how nervous he felt, too. ‘However, what’s done is done and there’s no point sitting here bewailing the fact. What we have to decide now is which way we’re going to handle this. I suppose it’s a case of sorting out the logistics.’

‘Logistics?’ Lucy put her cup on the table and stared at him. ‘I’m not sure what you mean by that.’

‘Obviously, we need to work out a rota for when I can see Izzy. And when she gets a bit older then we’ll have to decide how often she can stay with me—’

‘Stay with you!’ She leapt to her feet and he saw all the colour drain from her face. ‘You really think that I’m just going to hand her over to you?’

‘Of course not. But there is no reason why she can’t stay with me, is there?’ Connor deliberately moderated his tone. They would get nowhere if they kept arguing and he had to do all he could to keep things calm. However, it seemed that Lucy had other ideas as she rounded on him.

‘There is no way that I am allowing Izzy to stay with you! Quite apart from the fact that she doesn’t even know you, I don’t trust you to take proper care of her!’

‘I’m her father. And I think that gives me certain rights, including the right to look after her,’ he snapped, stung by the comment. ‘Izzy won’t come to any harm when she’s with me and I resent you suggesting that she will.’

‘And what happens if there’s some sort of emergency at work while you’re looking after her? What do you propose to do then? Phone up the hospital and say that you’re very sorry but you can’t respond? I don’t think so, do you?’

She laughed scornfully, the colour rushing back to her face as quickly as it had left it. Connor felt his pulse leap as it struck him how beautiful she looked with her eyes ablaze and her cheeks all rosy like that. She had always possessed a delicate beauty which had never failed to stir him, but this new, feisty Lucy was even more beguiling. It was an effort to drive the thought from his mind but he needed to focus on more important issues now.

‘If I was taking care of Izzy then obviously I would have to make provision if I was called out. I wouldn’t just abandon her, if that’s what you’re suggesting.’

‘And I’m supposed to be happy with that, am I? You would, quote, make provision for her? Well, I’m sorry, Connor, but that’s just not good enough. Izzy isn’t a parcel that you can hand over to someone else whenever you choose. She needs people who will always be there for her, and not just when it’s convenient. Looking after a child means putting them first and everything else second, and I just don’t think you’re capable of doing that.’

‘You have no idea what I’m capable of!’ He stood up as well, incensed by her refusal to believe him. Maybe he hadn’t explained things very well but there was no question of him treating Izzy like a parcel!

‘That’s where you’re wrong. I know exactly what you’re like. We were together for six months, don’t forget, and not once during that time did you let anything come before your job.’

She didn’t back down and it was the fact that she wasn’t prepared to meet him halfway that hurt most of all. Lucy must have a really poor opinion of him if she wouldn’t accept that he truly cared about his own daughter.

‘Maybe I didn’t, but that was then and this is now.’ His tone was harsh but it was the only way he knew how to hide this pain he was feeling. The fact that Lucy didn’t consider him fit to take care of their child hurt unbearably.

‘Meaning that I would always have come second to your job?’

The hurt in her voice was almost his undoing. Connor longed to tell her that it wasn’t true, but it would have been a lie. His job had always come first and there was no point wishing that he’d done things differently now. However, Lucy had no idea how hard it had been to stick to the decision he’d made to concentrate exclusively on his career while they had been together.

‘If you want to put it that way then, yes, I suppose you could say that. I never made any secret of the fact that I was ambitious, did I, Lucy?’

‘No, you certainly didn’t.’ She gave a brittle laugh as she sat down. ‘I have to give you full marks for honesty, Connor. I was never in any doubt that our relationship had an expiry date stamped on it.’

He wasn’t sure if he liked that assessment of his actions but it seemed pointless to argue about it. He sat down and picked up his cup, giving himself a breathing space while he tried to decide what to do. He needed to convince Lucy that he could be trusted to look after Izzy and it wasn’t going to be an easy task from the look of it.

‘Look, Connor, we can argue about this all night but you aren’t going to change my mind. I am prepared to let you see Izzy but that’s all. There is no way that I will allow her to stay with you. For heaven’s sake, I don’t even know where you live!’

‘I’ve rented a flat in that new complex near the business park. It wouldn’t have been my first choice because it’s too far from the hospital, but it was the best I could find at short notice.’

‘I know where you mean. I looked at one of those flats myself but it was too expensive for me. Mum and Dad offered to help me with the rent but it wouldn’t have been fair to expect them to subsidise me. Dad’s hoping to retire this year and they’ll need every penny.’

‘Why did you decide to move out of your old flat?’ he asked, feeling the same ambivalence he’d always felt whenever she’d spoken about her family. He knew how close Lucy was to her parents and her two older sisters, although he had never met them. He had deliberately kept his distance and had refused whenever she’d invited him to any family functions. Getting to know her family would have made it that much harder for her when they’d parted, and he’d wanted to protect her as much as he could. Or that had been what he’d told himself.

Now he found himself wondering if he’d really been protecting himself. Lucy had always had a hold over him, and he’d realised at the start of their relationship how dangerous it would be to get too deeply involved with her.

‘It all came down to money again. The rent was just too much for me once I left work. Added to that, the lift kept breaking down all the time. It would have been a nightmare trying to drag a pram up all those stairs.’

‘I never thought about that,’ he said softly, trying not to dwell on the thought of his own vulnerability. He’d made a vow many years ago that he would live his life the way he chose to live it, but now he could see that a lot of the decisions he’d made in the last year had been influenced by Lucy. It was an effort to focus on what she had said and he frowned because it was the second time she’d mentioned that she hadn’t been able to afford the rent. He couldn’t help feeling guilty at the thought of her struggling to pay her way while she’d been expecting their child.

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