Be My Baby

‘Where is he now, Mollie, huh? Why isn’t he standing here with you?’ Linda’s dark eyes met hers and held them, a small smile in place as she knew the answer.

‘He’s gone on a final trip with his TA mates. He’s saying goodbye before everyone goes off to uni. He’s coming back, why aren’t you hearing me?’

‘Because thousands of girls have said the same thing over the years, and they’ve all been disappointed.’ Linda rolled her eyes, ‘Besides, who needs ‘em? Your dad walked as soon as the line appeared on the pregnancy test, and you turned out all right, didn’t you?’

‘It won’t be like that for us,’ Mollie insisted, ‘This baby can have two parents, who both love it, who can support each other and work hard. It’s possible.’

‘It doesn’t matter baby girl, he’s already gone.’

***

He arrived at ten a.m., shuffling and awkward, ringing the doorbell this time, as the door wasn’t open. Mollie peered from the window above, and wondered if she should pretend that no one was home.

‘You go let him in!’ she hissed at Evie, who stared blankly.

‘I can’t do that.’

‘Why?’

Evie widened her eyes, ‘Because it changes the conversation, we chat about what the other has been up to, and you don’t need that.’

Mollie deflated, and her friend squeezed her hand. ‘You’re the bravest person I know. You go get your answers. I mean, the fact that he’s here is a good start, right?’

‘Right,’ Mollie took a deep breath and thundered down the stairs, not letting her brain form thoughts. She was going to be zen, and calm, and let the answers come to her.

When she opened the door, he was leaning against the wall, eyes closed, head back. He opened his eyes as the door creaked open, and it was suddenly clear that Jamie hadn’t had any sleep that night either. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, and he looked desperate.

‘You’d better come in then,’ Mollie said, standing back from the doorway, avoiding looking into those eyes that seemed to crave something; understanding, forgiveness... something.

He didn’t move.

‘I didn’t ask her name,’ Jamie said, his voice rough and dry, ‘I left and I didn’t even ask her name. And it’s been plaguing me, all night. Why didn’t I ask? I mean, she looks just... I should have asked. And I tried to see if you were on social media, if there was any way of finding her there, but you’re not and–’

Mollie cut him off, ‘Her name is Esme. Esme Louisa Williams.’

Jamie’s face crumpled, ‘Louisa was my grandmother’s name. The only family member I liked.’

‘I remember,’ Mollie said shortly. ‘Are you coming in or not?’

‘Why would you, if you thought... why would you give her that name?’

Mollie took a deep breath and met his eyes, ‘Jamie, we both have a lot of questions we need to ask each other, and you blubbering on my doorstep is not helping. Now can you come inside so we can be British and awkward and talk about it over tea, please?’

He nodded, and followed her through to the kitchen, hovering in silence as she put the kettle on and clattered with mugs. Mollie focused on her breathing, on the ritual of tea-making. She set out a tray, filled a pot, got out the red polka dot mugs she’d found at a car boot sale and a tray of biscuits that she’d made a few days before. Peach snaps. Something to crunch on so she didn’t say everything that was rolling around inside her head.

‘I’ll take it,’ Jamie said quietly, and picked up the tray, waiting for her to tell him where to go. She led him through to the conservatory.

They sat in silence as she poured the tea, her hands trembling just a little as she pushed the mug over to him. Mollie took this time to look at him, truly look at him, the sad man staring into his tea, his sharper features removing any softness that was once there. He wasn’t the same. The old Jamie fidgeted endlessly, he was always moving, always making noise. This man looked like he could impersonate a statue. The only way she could tell he was impatient was the little movements his mouth was making, like he wanted to talk and had to keep stopping himself.

‘I don’t even know where to start,’ Mollie said suddenly.

‘We could ask a question each?’ he offered, smiling hesitantly. The smile was the same. When he smiled he looked like a boy again. The same boy who promised her he would quit university and raise a child with her. She looked away.

‘So... Esme’s mine,’ Jamie started.

‘Is that meant to be your question?’ Mollie rolled her eyes, ‘It’s pretty bloody obvious, I mean, you saw her. She looks like you.’

‘She looks a lot like you too,’ he smiled. ‘All that blonde hair.’

‘Well, biology,’ Mollie shrugged, trying to keep her guard up, ‘So you’re saying you didn’t know she existed?’

‘Is that meant to be your question?’ Jamie copied her tone, ‘Do I look like someone who knew he had an eleven-year-old daughter?’

‘No,’ Mollie conceded. ‘Do I get another question now?’

Jamie shrugged, clearly not pleased about how this was going.

‘How could you be surprised? How could you be shocked that you had a daughter, when on the day we found out, you held my hand and told me our life would be amazing? How could you possibly not know you had a daughter when we made a plan to raise her together? You let me down.’

‘So that’s why you left?’ Jamie’s voice was thick.

‘I left?’

They sat in silence, staring at each other.

‘I feel like we’re having two different conversations,’ Jamie mumbled, rubbing a tired face with his hand.

‘Two different worlds.’

They sipped their tea, letting the quiet settle around them once again.

‘I called my parents last night, wondering if they knew I had a daughter. My mother told me to stop being so ridiculous, that surely I would know about it. There was something in her voice... she knew. She knew this whole time.’

His voice dripped bitterness.

‘Did they not stay in Badgeley? They would have seen me, seen Ez around town, wouldn’t they?’ Mollie frowned, trying to put it together. ‘I tried... I went there once but... the house was empty...’

‘Ez,’ Jamie smiled briefly, before shaking his head. ‘No, they left not long after I did. They were just waiting for the final kid to leave before they could move. They live in Kent. Did you... did you stay in Badgeley?’

Mollie made a face, ‘Where else was I going to go with a kid to raise?’

‘I thought you’d gone to Bristol, to uni, like the original plan.’

She shrugged, ‘I suppose if I’d looked into the possibilities of university life with a baby, maybe I would have. But it seemed too difficult. I stayed at home. And then, after Ruby died, she left us this place, and so we moved, me and Evie and Esme. To build a new home.’

He looked around, ‘It seems like you’re doing amazing things.’

‘Have you got other kids? A family?’ Mollie heard herself ask, and pretended it was just for Esme’s sake, a question that needed to be asked.

‘No, nothing like that,’ he shrugged, slurping his tea, more relaxed now that they were talking, ‘I’m in the army. Just got back from a tour in Afghanistan. I was out there longer than usual, so I’ve been encouraged to take a little more time on leave, get my head straight before I hear about my next assignment.’

‘Oh.’

‘Oh?’ Jamie smiled, ‘Not what you were expecting?’

‘No, I thought you’d be a history lecturer or something, working at a museum, something... you know, boring,’ Mollie allowed herself a small smile, annoyed at herself, but it was hard to stop it, especially looking at the man in front of her, so unexpected, so different from that boy who loved books and the past. He’d made it as a cool kid, though, Jamie. Maybe because he was a good fighter, but mainly because he wasn’t afraid to laugh at himself. And because he’d been kind.

‘I studied history,’ Jamie sighed, nodding, ‘not at York, but... yeah, anyway, it didn’t seem... I don’t know. I carried on with the TA, joined the army. And here I am.’

Mollie frowned, ‘That’s the last thing I’d ever expect from you.’

‘Yeah, wasn’t where I thought I’d end up either,’ his smile faded.

The silence settled once again, and this time it bugged Mollie, ‘If you’re going to ask, just ask.’

Jamie didn’t even question what she meant, ‘I want to meet her. I want to know her, and know about her life and I want her to know me. I want to apologise to her for not being there. I want to be with her as much as I can...’

‘...before you fly back out to god knows where.’ Mollie finished, pointedly. ‘Do you think that’s fair on a child? She’s done well without a father for all these years. You want to offer her one, but then you want to disappear again in two months?’

‘I don’t want to disappear at all! It might be longer than two months, I’ve got to work with a shrink and they’ll assess when I’m ready to go back.’

‘So now you’re in therapy... you’re giving me more reasons to say no, Jamie,’ Mollie shrugged, ‘Look, I don’t know you. Esme doesn’t know you. You want to turn up and play dad, well, that’s not really how parenting works. Trust me, I’ve been doing it for a while.’

‘It’s not my fault she doesn’t know me!’ Jamie frowned, ‘If I’d known...’

‘If you’d known...’ Mollie frowned, her hand gripping the edge of the table. ‘Whose fault is it? What do you think happened, Jay? What made you leave and go off and live your life, if you didn’t suddenly decide it was too much sacrifice?’

‘You lost the baby!’ Jamie yelled, ‘That’s what she said. You’d lost it whilst I was away at that TA thing, and it was horrible and stressful for you, but you just wanted a clean break. You wanted a fresh start in Bristol, and if I loved you at all, I would give you that. You didn’t want to see me, it was too painful. That’s what they told me.’

‘Who? Who told you that?’

‘Your mum,’ Jamie shrugged, ‘and Ruby.’

Mollie wasn’t sure which betrayal was worse.

She looked at him, incredulous.

‘And you believed them? You just trotted back home, nodding your head, thinking “sure, that’s the opposite of everything Mollie has ever said to me, but whatever” right?’ Mollie felt her voice growing hoarse as she yelled, clutching the handle of her mug so hard she was scared it would snap. She felt the warm ceramic beneath her fingertips, her only lifeline.

‘I was broken, Molls, I... I’d dropped out of my uni applications, I’d made plans for us, my parents were angry...’

‘Oh, well if they were angry...’ Mollie rolled her eyes, gritting her teeth, ‘Why would you listen to them? And Ruby? Why would Ruby, of all people, the person who was helping me, supporting me...’

‘Because she told me I had to pass the stupid test!’ Jamie erupted, putting the mug down on the table, shaking his head in disbelief. ‘She said I’d passed the boyfriend test, but if I really loved you, I’d think about what was best for you, for your pain, not my pain. That I’d let you go, that I’d let you live the best life you could. She said I made you weak. That you’d care more about how I felt than yourself.’ Jamie looked up, ‘And she’s right. You were that person. You loved me more than you loved yourself. You would have given up everything for me. It was the right thing to do.’

Mollie felt her stomach collapse, wrenching around her torso, looking at him with pure rage, ‘This is my fault? I loved you too much? I was too selfless?’ Mollie put her hand to her forehead, ‘You were MY WORLD! And you thought that if I’d lost our child, I’D WANT TO BE ALONE? ARE YOU A MORON? DID YOU KNOW ME AT ALL?’

Jamie looked up at her as she towered over him, hands clenched, face red and puffy.

‘I guess not.’

***

‘You got another parcel,’ her mother threw it on the bed and trundled back down the hallway, a trail of smoke following her.

‘I’ve told you not to smoke in here!’

‘And I’ve told you to get your own place if you don’t like it!’ Linda replied, slamming the door.

The baby started crying, a high pitched wail that made Mollie want to cry with her. She was so little, the littlest, most perfect thing Mollie had ever seen. She held her daughter close to her, staring into those light blue eyes and desperately hoping they’d change as she got older, that they wouldn’t look so much like his. It hurt to look at those eyes sometimes.

‘Esme! We’ve got post! Shall we see who it’s from?’ She jiggled the baby between arms so she could settle on the bed and tear open the package. At times like this, she held her breath, allowing a brief moment of hope, that maybe it was Jay, that he’d sent her a letter explaining, apologising. That there was some sort of explanation that left him blameless, that he would come back for her and they could be a family. It was a lot of dreaming to fit into the three seconds before she opened the parcel.

It was Ruby. Ruby was the only one who sent her things, because she was the only one who knew she was still at home. Chelsea was sucked into Oxford life the minute she left, and Evie had tried hard, but eventually, she’d given up too, and Mollie couldn’t blame her. She didn’t give anything back, didn’t ask questions about club nights and societies, because she was more focused on her daughter’s sleep pattern. Not that she said any of that.

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