The Delegates’ Choice

‘You’re getting carried away now,’ said Ted.

‘I am not getting carried away!’ said Israel.

Israel glanced around the café at all the old familiar faces. ‘Look!’ he said

‘What?’ said Ted.

‘Sshh! Behind you!’ said Israel.

‘What?’ said Ted, turning round.

‘No! Don’t turn around!’

‘Why?’

‘It’s her.’

‘Who?’

‘Mrs Onions.’

‘Aye,’ said Ted. ‘What’s wrong with her, sure?’

‘Oh, God, Ted. She’s another one.’

‘Another one of what?’

‘Another one who’s cracking me up!’

That was the third stop.

Mrs Onions: ‘D’ye have any books with those sort of suedey covers?’

Israel: ‘Erm. No, no, I’m afraid not. We’re right out of the…suede-covered books at the moment, I think.’

Mrs Onions: ‘You’ve plenty of other sorts of books.’

Israel: ‘Yes. We do. That’s true.’

Mrs Onions: ‘I could take one of those. But I like the old suede covers, ye see. My granny used to have one, when she lived on the farm down in the Mournes. The butter, honestly, beautiful it was.’

Israel: ‘Uh-huh.’

Mrs Onions: ‘Will ye be getting any in?’

Israel: ‘It’s possible, yes, that we will be getting in some suede-covered books in the future. I could certainly—’

Mrs Onions: ‘Ach, I’ll not bother for the moment. I’ve shopping to get here.’

Israel: ‘Good. Well, it’s lovely to…’

And there was more! Much, much more, every day: the man who’d come in and take out any books that he deemed were unChristian, and then claim that he’d lost them; the woman who used Sellotape as a bookmark; the creepy man with the moustache who was continually ordering gynaecology textbooks on inter-library loan. It was too much. Israel still found it hard to believe that he’d ended up here in the first place, and the longer he stayed the less he believed it, the more he felt like merely a vestigial presence in his own life, a kind of living, breathing Chagall, floating just above and outside the world, staring down at himself as librarian, as though this weren’t really him at all, not really his life, as if he were merely observing Tumdrum’s nether-world of inanities and bizarre and meaningless human exchanges. The longer he stayed in Tumdrum the more he could feel himself slowly withdrawing from the human world, becoming a mere onlooker, a monitor of human absurdities.

He took another bite of his scone.

‘I feel like a Chagall,’ he said.

‘He says he feels like a Chagall,’ said Ted to Minnie, who’d arrived with offers of another top-up of coffee.

‘He’d need to get himself smarted up first,’ said Minnie, winking; Israel was wearing corduroy trousers, his patched-up old brown brogues, and one of his landlady George’s brother Brownie’s old T-shirts, which read, unhelpfully, ‘Smack My Bitch Up’.

‘What?’ said Israel.

‘But anyway,’ said Minnie. ‘We’ll not have that sort of dirty talk in here, thank you, gents.’

‘I can’t go on, Ted,’ said Israel.

‘No?’ said Ted, reaching forward and taking Israel’s other half of scone.

‘Not the scone!’ said Israel. ‘I mean…this. Life! Here, give that back, it’s mine!’

‘Say please,’ said Ted.

‘Just give me the bloody scone!’

‘Steady now,’ said Ted, handing back the scone. ‘Temper, temper.’

‘Och, you’re like an old married couple, the pair of you,’ said Minnie.

‘Oh, God,’ said Israel, groaning.

‘Language,’ said Ted.

‘Coffee?’ said Minnie.

‘No. I don’t think so,’ said Israel, checking his watch. ‘Oh, shit! Ted!’

‘Language!’ said Minnie.

‘Sorry, Minnie.’

‘Ted!’

‘What?’

‘We’re late for the meeting!’

‘Aye,’ said Ted. ‘Behind like the cow’s tail.’

‘What?’

‘You’ll have to hand in your resignation after.’

‘He’s resigning?’ said Minnie.

‘Again,’ said Ted.

‘Yes!’ said Israel. ‘That’s right. I am. I’m handing in my resignation today. I was just distracted there for a moment.’

Ted winked at Minnie as they got up to leave.

‘See you next week then?’ said Minnie.

‘I very much doubt it!’ said Israel. ‘Bye! Come on, Ted, quick, let’s go.’

And with that, Israel Armstrong went to resign, again, from his job as mobile librarian for Tumdrum and District on the windswept north coast of the north of the north of Northern Ireland.

2

‘Sorry, Linda,’ he said when they arrived. It was his customary greeting; he liked to get in his apologies in advance. ‘Sorry, everyone.’

‘Ah, Mr Armstrong and Mr Carson,’ said Linda. ‘Punctual as ever.’

‘Yes. Sorry.’

‘You are aware that the last Wednesday of every month at three o’clock is the Mobile Library Steering Committee?’

‘Yes,’ said Israel.

‘Always has been.’

‘Uh-huh.’

‘And always will be,’ said Linda.

‘Right.’

‘For ever and ever, Amen,’ said Ted.

‘And yet you, gentlemen,’ continued Linda, ignoring Ted, ‘somehow always manage to be late?’

‘Yes. Erm. Anyway, you’re looking well, Linda,’ said Israel, trying to change the subject.

‘Don’t try to change the subject, Mr Armstrong,’ said Linda. ‘This is not a fashion show.’

‘No. Sorry.’

‘Honestly!’ said Linda, playing up to the—very appreciative—rest of the committee. ‘You put a bit of lipstick on, and they can’t think about anything else. Typical man!’

‘Sorry,’ said Israel, sliding down lower and lower in his seat.

‘You’re all the same.’

‘Sorry. We had some trouble…with the van.’

They hadn’t had trouble with the van, actually, but they often did have trouble with the van, so it wasn’t a lie in the proper sense of the word; it wasn’t as if Israel were making it up because, really, the van was nothing but trouble. The van was an old Bedford, and Ted’s pride and joy—rescued, hidden and restored by him at a time when Tumdrum and District Council were scaling down their library provision, and resurrected and brought back into service only six months ago when Israel had arrived and taken on the role of mobile librarian. The van wasn’t merely a vehicle to Ted; it wasn’t just any old van; it wasn’t, to be honest, even a van in particular; the van was the epitome, the essence, the prime example of mobile library vans in general. To Ted, his van represented pure undiluted mobile library-ness. It was the Platonic van; the ur-van; the über-van; it was a totem and a symbol. And you can’t argue with symbols: symbols just are. Thus, in Ted’s mind, there was absolutely nothing—not a thing—wrong with the mobile library van. The corrosion in the engine, and the mould and mildew in the cabin, and the occasional seizure of the clutch, and some problems with the brake callipers, and the cables, and the wiring looms, and the oil filter, and the spark-plugs, and the battery—these were simply aspects of the van’s pure vanness, a part of its very being, its complete and utter rusty red-and-cream-liveried perfection.

‘So,’ the chairman of the Mobile Library Steering Committee, a man called Ron, an archetypically bald and grey-suited councillor, was saying, ‘Here we all are then.’ Ron specialised in making gnomic utterances and looking wise. ‘All together, once again.’

Also on the committee was Eileen, another councillor, a middle-aged woman with short dyed blonde hair who always wore bright red lipstick with jackets of contrasting colours—today, an almost luminous green—which made her look like the last squeezings of a tube of cheap tooth-paste. Eileen was a great believer in Booker Prize-winning novels. Booker Prize-winning novels, according to Eileen, were the key not merely to improving standards of literary taste among the adults in Tumdrum and District, but were in fact a panacea for all sorts of social ills. Booker Prize-winning novels, according to Eileen, were penicillin, aspirin, paracetamol and snake oil, all in one, in black and white, and in between hard covers. Eileen believed passionately in what you might call the trickle-down theory of literature; according to her, the reading of Booker Prize-winning novels by Tumdrum’s library-borrowing elite would lead inevitably and inexorably to the raising of social and cultural values among the populace at large. Even a mere passing acquaintance with someone who had read, say, Ian McEwan or Salman Rushdie could potentially save a local young person from a meaningless and empty life of cruising around town in a souped-up hot hatch and binge-drinking at weekends, and might very possibly lead them instead into joining a book group, and drinking Chardonnay, and learning to appreciate the finer points of the very best of metropolitan and middle-brow fiction.

Israel did not like Eileen, and Eileen did not like him.

‘Can’t we just get lots of copies of the Booker Prizewinning novels?’ Eileen would opine, all year round. Her clothes and her slightly manic cheeriness always gave the Mobile Library Steering Committee meetings a sense of evening occasion—like a Booker Prize awards night dinner, indeed—as though she might at any moment stand up at a podium, raise a glass of champagne, and offer a toast, ‘To Literature!’ Other members of the committee could often be heard to groan when she spoke.

The other committee members were two moon-faced men whose names Israel could never remember, and who both required endless recaps and reiterations and reminders of the minutest detail of the mobile library’s activities, most of which, when recapped, they found profoundly unsatisfactory. Both of them wore glasses and were bald. Israel called them Chi-Chi and Chang-Chang.

And then of course there was Linda Wei, Israel’s boss. His line-manager. His nemesis. The person who—apart from his landlady, George, and Ted, and most of the other inhabitants of this godforsaken town—had made Israel’s stay in Northern Ireland as unpleasant and as difficult and as miserable as possible. Linda it was who, when Israel complained about his working conditions, would put her fingers in her ears and sing, ‘I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you!’ Linda it was who had introduced performance-related pay—for librarians! What were they supposed to do? Force books on people? Offer them money-back guarantees and loyalty cards?—and who had doubled the number of runs that Israel and Ted were expected to complete in a week, and at the same cut the stock back to the bare bones of celebrity autobiographies, bestsellers and self-help manuals. And now Linda it was to whom Israel was about to hand in his resignation. Sweet, sweet, sweet revenge. He was composing in his mind the words he was going to use.

‘It is with great regret that I have to inform you that…’?

No, that wasn’t right.

‘I have to tell you now that I have discharged my last…’?

No.

‘You are probably all aware of the reasons why I have chosen to renounce…’?

No.

‘I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility…’?

‘Hasta la vista, baby!’?

That was about the best he could come up with.

He was looking forward to it. A grand exit and then up, up and away from Tumdrum. Over to England. To London! The bright lights. The streets paved with gold. And never to return. This place was bad for him—psychically bad. It was doing him damage. He could feel it: he was calcifying inside; he could feel himself losing synaptic connections on a daily basis. He was de-evolving. He needed to beat a retreat, start over, and get his old life back.

He couldn’t wait for the meeting to be finished. He wasn’t good in meetings; he was meeting-phobic.

‘Anyway, as I was saying,’ Ron was saying, ‘before we were interrupted. Meltdown. Total. Meltdown.’

Israel tried to follow the conversation for a few minutes, and failed. He and Ted seemed to have arrived at the Mobile Library Steering Committee in the middle of a hotly contested debate about the pros and cons of installing an on-board microwave oven in the van. This seemed unlikely, but Israel checked the agenda:

6) Microwave ovens

To note that the Council is to consider the use of microwave ovens in all public areas, including mobile learning centres.

This proposed innovation had developed into a passionate debate about the Health and Safety implications of combining hot food and drink and members of the public. Ron believed that there were indeed major Health and Safety implications, there having already been unconfirmed reports, from some councils which had introduced microwaves and drinks machines into community halls, of some less forward-thinking members of the public using non-microwavable plastic beakers in the microwaves.

‘Meltdown!’ Ron kept saying. ‘A very high risk of meltdown.’

It was generally agreed that the risk of meltdown needed to be further looked into. The issue was therefore referred to the Mobile Library Steering Committee Health and Safety Sub-Committee—Israel and Linda—for further discussion. Israel wouldn’t mind a microwave in the van: he could maybe get pies from the Trusty Crusty for his lunch.

They moved on to the next point on the agenda.

7) Sexual and racial harassment—appointment of advisers

To note that Council policy on sexual and racial harassment now requires two members of staff (one male, one female) from each library to act as advisers. These advisers to be appointed annually by each library.

‘We need to appoint advisers,’ said Ron.

‘I’ll advise,’ said Linda.

‘Good. Thank you, Linda. So now we need a male,’ said Ron.

Ted was looking at the floor.

Israel was pretending he couldn’t hear.

‘Israel?’ said Ron.

‘Yes?’ said Israel.

‘Sexual and racial harassment?’

‘Yes. Terrible,’ said Israel.

‘Would you mind?’ said Ron. ‘With Linda?’

‘Erm.’

‘Sexual and racial harassment with Linda?’ said Ted, mostly to himself.

‘Yes,’ said Ron.

‘Sure,’ said Israel.

‘What’s that on your T-shirt?’ said Eileen. ‘“Smack My Bitch Up”?’

‘Yeesss,’ said Israel. ‘It’s just a phrase.’

There was a lot of other stuff: stuff about budgets; and footfalls; and deadlines for this, and deadlines for that; and Israel soon lost interest and pretty soon after that he also lost the will to live. While Linda was speaking about rolling out wi-fi connections across the county, Israel sat staring down at the thinly veneered pale wood surface of the table around which they were all sitting, like miniaturised modern-day medieval knights discussing their forthcoming crusade against the Infidel, or Mafia bosses running a failing cold-storage and meat-packing plant, and for a moment he imagined that they were a parachute display team and that the table was in fact nothing but a big inverted bag of air held by a gathering of cords and they were all about to drop down thousands of feet, out of the blue sky, down to earth…Which, indeed, promptly they did.

‘Mr Armstrong?’ Linda was saying. ‘Hello? Mr Armstrong? Earth calling Armstrong? Excuse us?’

He was doodling. His agenda looked like a greyscale photocopy of an early Jackson Pollock, pre-Full Fathom Five. At the last Mobile Library Steering Committee meeting Linda had proposed a motion banning all doodling, claiming that it was an act of passive aggression, perpetrated almost wholly by males, but the motion was voted down—Ron was a secret doodler, as were Chi-Chi and Chang-Chang. Linda had also been pressing for a Mobile Library Steering Committee team-building weekend away—with orienteering, and white-water rafting, and abseiling—which absolutely nobody else at all thought was a good idea. No one wanted bonding; quite the opposite. She’d also been pressuring Ted and Israel to sign up for a ‘PR and Power Presentation Skills’ course running over in Derry; they had, so far, successfully resisted.

She was basically completely crazy, Linda, as far as Israel could tell, and she’d got even crazier since splitting up with her husband and coming out as a lesbian, which made her Tumdrum’s only Chinese Catholic lesbian single parent, as far as Israel was aware, and as much as he disliked Linda—and he really disliked her a lot—you had to respect her for that. There’d been a leaving-do recently for a retiring librarian down in Rathkeltair, and they’d all gone out to a Chinese restaurant which had a karaoke, and once everyone had done their ‘Country Road’s and ‘Imagine’s and ‘A Whiter Shade of Pale’s, Linda insisted on getting up, Baileys in hand, and singing—unaccompanied, because there was no backing track—an old music-hall song, ‘Nobody Loves A Fairy When She’s Forty’, encoring with ‘Two Lovely Black Eyes’ and ‘The Man Who Broke the Bank at Monte Carlo’.

Really, you couldn’t help but like Linda.

‘Armstrong!’ Linda was saying. ‘Pay attention!’

At least, you couldn’t help but like her in theory.

As always, the major issue facing the Mobile Library Steering Committee had been tucked away deep into the agenda.

‘So, gentlemen. Now the good news.’

‘Item 9,’ said Eileen.

Ted looked at Item 9.

‘Oh, my God,’ said Israel. ‘Ted?’

‘What?’ said Ted.

‘Oh. My. God!’

‘What?’

‘Item 9.’

‘What about it?’

‘Look at it.’

Ted peered at the agenda. ‘Aye.’

Israel read it out: ‘“Replacement of mobile learning centre vehicle.”’

‘What?’ said Ted.

‘Your van, gentlemen,’ said Linda, with some pride, ‘is going to be replaced.’

‘What?’ repeated Ted.

‘The van, Mr Carson, we’ve found the money through some Lottery funding and a new development grant.’

‘No way!’ said Israel.

‘Way,’ said Linda.

‘We can’t get rid of the van,’ said Ted. ‘There’s nothing wrong with the van.’

‘Now, now, Mr Carson,’ said Linda.

‘That van is perfect,’ said Ted.

‘Except for the steering,’ said Israel.

‘It’s a wee bit sloppy, just,’ said Ted.

‘Corrosion in the engine,’ added Israel.

‘Well? New engine,’ said Ted.

‘Clutch,’ said Israel.

‘Needs replacing just.’

‘Brakes.’

‘Yes, yes, we get the picture, thank you, gentlemen,’ said Linda. ‘Well, Mr Carson?’

Ted was silent.

‘When do we get the new one then?’ said Israel. ‘What’s it going to be like? What colour is it going to be?’

‘Well, actually, gentlemen,’ said Linda, with a further flourish, ‘we would like you to go and choose.’

‘What?’ said Israel. ‘You are joking!’

‘No. We are not joking, Mr Armstrong. We’re sending you to the Mobile Meet, so you can meet up with some of the manufacturers and—’

‘The what?’

‘The Mobile Meet,’ said Linda, ‘is organised by the Chartered Institute of Information and Library Professionals. It’s an annual event where mobile librarians can meet and swap experiences and discuss the latest technology. It’s a prestige event.’

‘Right,’ said Israel.

‘It’s in England,’ said Linda.

‘No!’ said Israel.

‘Yes,’ said Linda.

‘You’re joking!’

‘No. We are not joking. Again,’ said Linda.

‘That’s fantastic! You’re sending us over?’

‘Yes,’ said Linda.

‘Like on a business trip?’ said Israel.

‘I suppose,’ said Linda.

‘Wow!’ said Israel. ‘All expenses paid?’

‘Well—’ began Linda.

‘Whereabouts?’ said Israel. He could barely contain his excitement.

‘Somewhere down in Wiltshire?’ said Linda. She pronounced it Wilt Shire.

‘Wiltshire? Great! God! Where’s that?’

‘Stonehenge?’ said Ron. ‘Somewhere round there.’

‘How close to London?’ said Israel.

‘M3,’ said Ron. ‘M4?’

‘Is that close by?’

‘Not far, I don’t think,’ said Ron. ‘I went with the wife once to Salisbury. Years ago. Visiting some friends of ours over there. That was nice.’

‘Oh, yeah!’ said Israel, punching the air. ‘Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!’

‘What?’

‘This is brilliant. Linda, I can’t thank you enough. This is fantastic! It’s the best day of my life.’

‘Right, well, thank you, Mr Armstrong.’

Ted had been rather quiet.

‘Mr Carson?’ said Linda.

‘You can’t replace the van,’ said Ted. ‘She’s irreplaceable.’

‘No one and nothing is irreplaceable, Ted, I’m afraid,’ said Ron. ‘Us old warhorses included.’

‘We’ve had that van nearly thirty years,’ said Ted.

‘Exactly,’ said Linda. ‘What about a refurbishment?’ said Ted.

‘We’ve looked into the price of a refurbishment and it’s not economical, I’m afraid,’ said Linda.

‘When did ye look into a refurbishment?’

‘We’ve looked into a refurbishment.’

‘Not with me you haven’t.’

‘No, we had some consultants look into it.’

‘You had consultants looking at my van?’

‘It’s not actually your van, Mr Carson. It’s the—’

‘It only needs a bit of work.’

‘New engine?’ said Linda, referring to a list. ‘Bodywork. Chassis.’

‘Well?’ said Ted.

‘She’d hardly be the same vehicle, would she, Ted?’ said Ron.

‘Like the philosopher’s hammer,’ said Israel.

‘What’s he going on about?’ said one of the nameless councillors.

‘No idea,’ said the other.

‘We’re looking at a number of possible suppliers at the moment,’ said Linda. ‘Mostly specialist coach builders—they do hospitality units, mobile police stations.’

‘Wow!’ said Israel. ‘Ted! We could have our own hospitality area, and a VIP lounge.’

‘Here are the brochures, gents,’ said Linda, handing over some thick glossy booklets. ‘If you’d like to be having a look at those.’

‘Fantastic,’ said Israel.

‘You will of course be fully consulted about the exact specifications.’

‘Ted! Look at this! What about a mini-bar, eh, Ted?’

Ted’s eyes were glazed.

‘We could have a toilet and everything. Remember that time you were caught short and…Ted?’

‘I think you’ll agree the standard of craftsmanship on this sort of vehicle is quite different to your own—’ began Linda.

‘What?’ said Ted.

‘Efforts, Ted. Which have been much appreciated, may I just say.’

‘I want it minuted that I’m very unhappy with this,’ said Ted.

‘Right,’ said Linda. ‘I really don’t think there’s any need for that.’

‘I want it in the records!’ said Ted.

‘Well, that’s fine, if you insist.’

‘This’ll be fantastic, Ted,’ said Israel. ‘Listen—’

‘I’ll tell you what, I’ll listen to you when you’ve learned to wipe your arse,’ said Ted.

‘Right. Thanks.’

‘Come on now, Ted, there’s no need for that sort of language now, is there? There’s ladies present,’ said Ron.

‘Women, thank you,’ said Linda. ‘This is the twenty-first century. Anyway, maybe you two…gentlemen…can talk it over between yourselves? And let me know whether we can go ahead with our plans and book your tickets over to England?’

3

The meeting had ended, as was traditional at Mobile Library Steering Committee meetings, amidst argument, dissolution and general disarray—‘Don’t forget the Booker Prize longlist, announced in August!’ cried Eileen. ‘That’s August!’; ‘PR!’ Ron was saying. ‘New van! Great PR!’; and ‘Some reports of discrepancies in cataloguing!’ Linda was reminding Ted and Israel; and ‘What?’ said Chi-Chi; and ‘What?’ said Chang-Chang—and then it was the long drive home in the van with Ted silent and sulking and Israel flicking through the fat, plush brochures and the programme for the Mobile Meet, the UK’s, quote, Premier Mobile Library Event. Unquote.

It was an uncomfortable, damp, sweaty summer’s evening; tempers were frayed; temperatures high; and Israel knew that he was going to have to do something pretty special to persuade Ted to go with him over to England. This was his opportunity to ensure himself a free trip back home: the prospect of leaving Tumdrum was the best thing that had happened to him since arriving.