Almost Heaven

He was gone; the doors slid shut before she could answer, leaving her alone. The chug and chink of the elevators echoed in the quiet. She turned around, eyes down because she knew what was ahead of her.

The viewing window of the nursery where newborns slept tucked tight in their blankets and beds, their dear button faces either relaxed in slumber or screwed up in misery as they cried. A nurse was lifting one tiny unhappy baby into her arms as Kendra passed by.

Don’t look. Keep moving.

Her feet refused to work, leaving her trapped in front of the window. It hurt to look. It hurt not to look. She admired the tiny babies, their perfectly formed miniature hands, their sweet faces, and envied their lucky parents.

How was it possible to feel happy and sad at the same moment? Happy for the precious new babies and sad because she would never have one of her own.

How could she? She wasn’t ever going to date. Never going to marry. Never trust a man that much.

There would be no babies for her.

The grief struck her as it always did like a boxer’s blow to her sternum. It was her choice, her decision. She couldn’t complain. She wouldn’t feel sorry for herself, but when would this consuming longing end?

She turned away before the ache within her could crescendo. Before regret and loss could swallow her whole.

Her sisters were waiting beyond those imposing double doors. Why were her feet dragging? What was holding her back?

It was hard to face how different her life was, from what she’d always thought it would be. That’s what. She’d wanted to be a wife and a mother. A horse-woman, yes, but, oh, to be truly and deeply loved by a good man. To have her own children to love and nurture. What could be more important than that?

Don’t think about what might have been. She closed her eyes, hoped the Lord would help her find the strength to face her family behind those doors without feeling sorrow over the what-ifs in her life. As hard as it was to see what she might have had, she was truly happy for her sisters and their families. To the depth of her soul.

It wasn’t as if she was alone. She was an aunt; she would always have children in her life. She would count the wonderful blessings the Lord had given her.

Not dwell on the ones missing.

She squared her shoulders, forced every piece of grief from her heart. She was ready. Behind that door were her sisters and their husbands and their children. Her warm extended family she loved with all her being.

She refused to feel sad, not tonight. Not when there was so much to celebrate. So much to be grateful for.

Cameron couldn’t stop thinking about the brochure he’d folded and tucked into his shirt pocket. His mind was half on it all during the time he made sure Mr. Anderson had what he needed for the night. Those prices were reasonable. Better than what he’d expected.

I can do this. Excitement zoomed through him as he gave Anderson the number of the hotel his family was staying at. Optimism gave him extra zing as he punched the elevator call button and waited for an empty car in the quiet hush of the corridor.

Money had been tight for a long time, what with Debra’s medical costs and funeral expenses, and selling their house, he’d had to come up with the cash to pay for the closing. He’d worried that buying a horse might be a much more expensive proposition than he could afford, now that his finances were evening out.

The elevator doors opened, the empty car waiting to take him downstairs. He hit the Lobby button and pulled out the brochure as the elevator descended, clicking off the floors.

It had been a long, hard road taking care of Deb, not as hard as the road she walked with her illness. It nearly killed him having to say goodbye to her. Faith saw him through that tough time and after. He’d only been existing, not living. How did a man live with only half of a heart?

Memories tugged him back in time, when he and Deb were newlyweds. Their budget was tight. It had to be. She was finishing up her legal-assistant course at the technical college while he was hoofing it through the academy. Part-time jobs kept them in a small one-bedroom apartment not far from the campus in Bozeman. They had to work to make ends meet, but Deb had made it fun. She was so easy to laugh with. They laughed all the time.

He missed that. He missed the dreams they would talk about over doing the dishes by hand in the cramped kitchen. Deb wanted a sprawling house just out of town, so she could see trees instead of neighbors.

He’d wanted enough land to graze a horse or two on. She’d liked that idea, and wove more dreams of how it would be when times were better, riding their horses in their fields. What a great life they were going to have. Together.

Grief weighed down his soul.

The elevator inched to a halt and the doors whispered open. The outside world beyond the long wall of lobby windows was dark, and he hated the thought of going out in it.

She’d been gone four years, and the pain of heading home to an empty house still ate at him.

Is that going to change anytime soon, Lord?

Then he saw Kendra through a glass partition in the far wall. The overhead light haloed her golden hair and caressed her creamy complexion. She wore a simple T-shirt and her denim shorts, nothing pretty or fancy or extraordinary, and she looked so lovely.

He supposed it was loneliness that made him look. He missed a woman’s presence in his life. The softness and gentleness, the little bottles all over the bathroom counter… He missed all of it.

It was a puzzle, because he’d seen plenty of women over the years. Not one of them made him feel as if the world had simply melted away until there was only her.

She didn’t know he was watching as she leaned against the counter, turning to talk to her sister. She sparkled, laughing, tilting back her head to study the array of cheerful balloons floating just out of reach.

He couldn’t say why that was, but as he strolled through the automatic doors and out into the parking lot, the night didn’t seem as bleak or as lonely as it had been before.

Chapter Three

Squinting against the bold afternoon sun blinding her through the windshield, Kendra set the emergency brake. Okay, how was she going to do this? The cookies were in the back seat, all ready to go, but her sister was in the passenger seat beside her. Michelle was bound to notice what was going on.

If only she’d had more time! The day following Anna’s birth had been jam-packed with errands and work and visits to the hospital. Mom and baby were coming home this evening, and there was a lot of work still to be done.

She’d been lucky to get the cookies baked. By the time she might get the chance to deliver them again all by herself, they would be beyond stale and as hard as bricks.

Please don’t make a big deal over this, she silently begged Michelle, who was rummaging through her purse looking for her lipstick. Good, she was distracted. “You wait right here where it’s cool. Don’t move a muscle. I’ll be just a second.”

“Wait! Where are you going? I thought those cookies were for us.” Michelle’s hand, holding the found lipstick, rested on the small round bowl of her pregnant belly. “They’re not for us?”

“Nope.”

“I need cookies.”

“Don’t worry. I saved a small plate for you.”

“But—”

Oh, no, here came the questions! Kendra slammed the door shut before Michelle could get out one more word. Not that she’d succeeded in keeping her mission secret. No, if anything, she was simply delaying an explanation.

Michelle was bound to notice what was going on, since she had a perfect view of the office’s front door. She would be pelted with questions on her return as to why she was leaving cookies for the town’s handsome and available sheriff.

Would Michelle believe the truth? Of course not! The truth was too boring. Her lovely sister would see romantic intent in a simple offering of thanks. Kendra would never hear the end of it.

This is what she got for doing the right thing. She heard the buzz of the window being lowered the instant she set foot on the sidewalk.

“Ooh, you’ve got a crush on that new deputy, don’t you?” Michelle sparkled with complete delight. “Sis, you’ve got great taste. What’s his name? Frank? I knew it. I knew the right man for you would come along if we prayed hard enough.”

See? This was exactly the type of thing she was trying to avoid. “I don’t have a crush on anyone.”

“Sure. I understand. You’re doing your civic duty. Thanking the eligible bachelor who protects our town.”

“It’s not like that.”

“Yep, sure, like I understand totally.” Michelle feigned absolute empathy, but there was no mistaking that look on her face. “I’m glad for you, Kendra. You deserve a fine man.”

Kendra opened her mouth to argue, but what would she say? Denial would only make it look like the truth. She loved Michelle for her kind words, but Michelle didn’t know what had happened that night when everything changed.

There’d be no man for her. It was that simple. Kendra had been in love once and it had hurt worse than anything she’d ever known. She’d spent the last half-dozen years picking up the pieces of her life.

She would never give another man that much power over her. She would never trust a man that much. No matter what.

So Michelle could hope all she liked. She could think whatever she wanted. It would not change the facts.

The window buzzed upward, and Kendra could feel Michelle’s elation. Now her entire family was going to hear about this. Yep, she definitely should have delivered the cookies later in the week, stale or not.

There was Cameron’s cruiser, parked neatly against the curb, polished and spotless.

And why was she noticing it? Didn’t she have enough on her mind with the thousand things she had to do next? She needed to clean Karen’s house, catch her up on her laundry and do a thorough grocery shop so her pantry would be well stocked. Then she needed to figure out what was she going to cook tonight for dinner for her entire family. That’s what she ought to be thinking about.

Not noticing that she had a perfect view of Cameron’s desk through the generous front window. And her stomach should certainly not be doing little quakes, as if butterflies were trapped there.

Why was she feeling this way? There was nothing to be anxious about. She intended to say hello, leave the plate on his desk and walk back out. Nothing personal about it. There was nothing personal between them.

Thank the good Lord that’s the way Cameron felt about her, too. It wasn’t as if he thought, as Michelle did, that romance could be blossoming.

Before she could reach for the tarnished brass knob, the door swung open. Cameron, looking fine in his navy-blue uniform, took a step back.

His smile was dazzling. “Come in. I never turn away a woman bringing baked goods.”

“It’s bad form to turn away free food,” a second man’s voice commented from inside the office.

Kendra pushed her sunglasses off her nose and up over her forehead, and the shadows became a burly uniformed man sitting behind a desk in the corner, but she hardly noticed him. Cameron drew her attention as the surprise on his face turned to appreciation.

Appreciation for the cookies, no doubt. She handed him the covered paper plate. “I made a batch with butterscotch chip and my gramma’s famous chocolate-chocolate chips.”

“I don’t think there are enough words to thank you.” Cameron took the plate eagerly and ripped off the foil. “Frank, you’ve got to try these chocolate cookies. They sell them over at the coffee shop.”

“Try them? Already have. I’m addicted to them.”

“Your grandmother could charge ten bucks for a single cookie and folks would still buy two.” Cameron snatched a cookie and took a bite.

“Ma’am, we sure do appreciate this.” The deputy chose a chocolate cookie from the plate. “I’ll just leave you two alone. I’ve got a report to file, uh, in the back room.”

There was no back room. Cameron appreciated Frank’s efforts, though, as the deputy disappeared into the storage closet, where they kept their coats and their spare office supplies.

That Frank was quick on the uptake. He saw right off that Kendra was the kind of woman a man wanted to be alone with instead of making small talk while other people watched.

“I hear your sister had her baby. A girl.” Cameron held the plate out, offering her a cookie.

Kendra shook her head, declining the offer. “I have another beautiful niece. I’m pretty lucky, being an aunt. It’s much better than being a parent, because I get all the snuggles and fun and I get to buy presents, but I don’t have the sleepless nights and all the work that goes with it.”

“Sounds like a good deal.” Cameron wondered at the false brightness he saw on Kendra’s face. A face that had small crinkles in the corners of her eyes, marks of character that he found attractive. Hers was not a face of sleek, artificial beauty, and a light within him flickered to life. “I’m glad to know Karen and her new baby are fine. Your other sister is expecting soon, isn’t she?”

“Yes, in a few months. We have a lot of blessings to be thankful for in my family. And speaking of blessings, thank you again for help with the tire.” Her sincerity shone soul-deep. “If these cookies aren’t enough, I can bring by another batch sometime.”

“This is more than enough.” He’d never tasted a more delicious cookie. He’d never seen a more beautiful woman. There was so much to respect about Kendra, he didn’t know where to begin, but if he made a list of all her attributes, it would be a long one.

She was certainly showing good manners in thanking him for helping her. After all, he’d told her he wouldn’t be averse to receiving baked goods if she wanted to repay him, but she’d actually come. That said a lot about her.

He’d definitely go with her stables, if he decided he could afford a horse. That was a big question he needed an answer to if he was going to go any further with this notion of his.

“You have a good day, now.” She was backing toward the door.

There was no time like the present while he had her here, even if she was halfway out the door. “Say, Kendra.”

She hesitated, one hand on her black-rimmed sunglasses perched on the top of her head. She crooked one eyebrow in question.

He didn’t wait for her to speak—or to escape. “I want to board my horse out at your place. Except there’s one small catch.”

“What’s that?”

“I don’t have a horse.”

“Right. I remember you told me.” A hint of a smile played along her soft mouth. “How are you going to board a horse you don’t have at my place?”

“That’s where you come in. I thought with your extensive horse knowledge combined with the fact that you don’t want to lose my business to your competition—”

“Isn’t that like extortion or something?”

“Sure, but I’m the law and I don’t mind a little extortion if it gets me what I need.”

Kendra couldn’t help it. He made her laugh. Who knew the serious and capable town sheriff had a sense of humor? “I guess when the criminals are in charge, what’s a poor business owner to do? How can I help?”

“I’ve looked in the classifieds and there seem to be plenty of horses for sale, but I don’t know where to start. I don’t know a thing about them. What’s the difference between a quarter horse and a paint? Which is better? The prices seem to range from a hundred bucks to tens of thousands of dollars. I’m lost. I need help.”

“I guess I’d better lend a hand, if I want to get your business.”

“I knew you’d see things my way. I’d hate to have to tail you through town and ticket you under false pretenses until you cooperate.”

“That would be a real bother.”

So that’s why he’d been acting friendlier than usual. He’d been too embarrassed to ask outright for help. Men were so funny. All ego and pride.

She wouldn’t mind helping him at all, even if he didn’t want to board at her stable. In this world, horse people had to help each other out.

“Why don’t you come out to the stables this weekend sometime? Give me a call first, and I’ll show you around the place and introduce you to different types of horses. We’ll see what you like, and then you’ll be able to figure out what you need. Then you can get an idea of cost.”

“Sounds great. I’ll do that.”

“Good. You do know how to ride, don’t you?”

“Uh, well, no. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve always wanted to ride.”

“You’re going to love it, don’t worry. You’re about to take the first step on a great adventure.” She lit up, the way she’d been in the hospital’s gift shop, all gentle radiance and happiness. “There is nothing like owning a horse. You’ll see.”

The first step on a great adventure, huh?

He closed the door and watched while she strolled toward her pickup parked neatly and legally along the curb. She was like sunshine and he felt that way whenever he looked at her. As if she brought light to the dark corners of his life. Warmth to the cold and lonely places.

Stunned, he didn’t move a muscle. Just stood watching Kendra’s green pickup pull out into the street, blinker flashing. What was that he just experienced? He didn’t know, but he thought he liked it.

The hinges squealed as the closet door opened. “Is the coast clear?”

Cameron winced. He’d forgotten about Frank hiding out in the closet. “Sure, man. Come on out. She’s gone.”

“With your heart, by the looks of it.” Frank stole another cookie. “She sure can bake. That’s a decent trait in a woman. If you can trust one of them enough to marry.”

“Marry her? Whoa. I helped her with a trailer tire.”

“Whatever. I’m not gonna argue with you. But a woman like that, she’s what? She’s got to be over thirty. She’s got that riding stable east of town, doesn’t she?”

“I heard something like that.”

“Careful, man. She’s the kind that’ll break your heart. Believe me. She’s not looking for a husband. She’s not the soft, gentle kind of female that needs a man.”

“Oh, yes she is.” Cameron knew something about Kendra that Frank didn’t. What no one else in this town knew.

He well remembered the night when lightning had split the old willow tree in the town park. The fire department had been fighting to contain the blaze that was threatening the entire downtown. Power had been out all the way to Bozeman.

It was also the night he’d responded to a 911 call to a house near the railroad tracks in town.

He’d never forgotten that night. He suspected Kendra hadn’t, either.

“It’s about time you started dating again.”

“Hi to you, too, Gramma.” Kendra carefully laid her fragile, newborn niece down in her pretty well-appointed crib. “I’m not dating again.”

“Then you’re thinking about dating.” Gramma eased to a stop at the railing.

“Not even thinking about it.”

“Well, you should be. It’s time, my dear. It’s taken you a long while getting over Jerrod. You really must have loved him.”

Kendra’s throat ached at the sympathy in her grandmother’s words. At the caring concern that had been there forever, it seemed. Her gramma had always been there to help her whenever she needed it. Except for that one time. That one horrifying time.

She shivered, forcing the truth away. “Can we please talk about something else?”

Unfortunately, her gramma refused to back down. I’ve gotten to know him when he comes in for early-morning coffee. He likes three straight shots to start his day.”

“I’m not interested in the new deputy. Michelle’s exaggerating.” How many times would she have to say that in the next hour?

“Then it’s as I thought. The sheriff. Cameron Durango is as good as gold, if you ask my opinion. Sad it is, that he’s a widower at his age. Not many know how hard he had it, taking care of his wife when she was ill. Cancer is a hard enemy.”

“I didn’t know you knew Cameron so well.” Kendra didn’t know that about his wife.

She hadn’t even known he’d been married. She could hardly keep up with her busy life. But it struck her hard, realizing that he was alone. He’d already lost everything that could matter, and he wasn’t much older than she was.

“How long ago was that? I would have remembered the funeral.”

“His wife wasn’t a member of our church.”

That explained it. No wonder Cameron was looking for new activities to fill his leisure hours. A horse, what an excellent idea. Horses were more than pets, they were amazing, compassionate creatures. Most of her best friends had been horses.

Maybe Cameron could find the same kind of comfort she’d found.

“Michelle misunderstood. Cameron is interested in boarding a horse with me. That’s all.”

“Is he? I’m glad he’s starting to live his life again. It takes time, getting over that kind of grief. I know you’ll be good to him.”

“As I am to all my clients.” She hoped Gramma would get the hint.

“I know, dear, but a grandmother has to hope. Cameron would make a fine husband.”

Kendra rolled her eyes. “You would have said the same about the deputy. Or anyone else, for that matter. You just want me to be married, like a good woman should be.”

“That’s right. While I believe a woman ought to wait for true love to come along, I know you would be happier with a husband of your own. With babies of your own.”

Her own baby. Kendra ached in her soul, for that’s how deep the yearning went—and how deep the wound.

Not that she could let anyone know. Not even Gramma. She swallowed hard, burying her pain. “You’re one to talk. You are a businesswoman. You said buying half of Karen’s business was one of the best things you ever did.”

“Yes, but I’ve been married. I’ve raised my family. There is a season for everything.” Gramma brushed her hand over baby Anna’s tuft of downy golden hair. “Hello, sweetheart. You are amazing, yes you are.”

They stood together, side by side, gazing into the crib where the baby blinked up at them, drifting off to sleep.

“So soft.” Love vibrated in her grandmother’s voice. “There’s nothing like a newborn life.”

“Nothing so precious,” Kendra agreed.

“There is one thing as precious. Love between a wife and her husband.”

“You had to go and ruin the moment, didn’t you?”

“I’m just getting my shots in while I can, dear. If you are lucky enough that true love finds you, my beautiful granddaughter, I hope you stop working at your business long enough to grab hold of what matters.”

The wisdom in her grandmother’s words left her shaky. Kendra didn’t doubt the wisdom. True love could exist.

But to her? Never. It was a fact. “Are we done talking about this now?”

“I suppose.” Gramma fell silent.

It was reassuring, watching over little Anna while she slept. She scrunched up her tiny rosebud mouth, looking even more adorable in her relaxed, peaceful slumber.

Faint noises from downstairs drifted along the hallway, Dad’s low voice and Mom’s gentle alto answering him. The clank of the oven door closing. The clink of silverware as someone was setting the table. The delicious aroma of the casserole Kendra had put in the oven. Mom must have taken it out to cool.

The sounds of family.

She did not take lightly this blessing the good Lord had given her. She had a big, loving extended family. She was thankful for them down to the depths of her soul.

There is one thing as precious. Love between a wife and her husband. Not for me, she told herself. Not ever.

Her life was enough. It was. She would not let her grandmother’s kindly-meant words hurt.

“Isn’t little Anna something?” Gramma sighed. “She looks like you did, you know. That little button nose. That round darling face. That’s what your little girl will look like one day.”

“Don’t, Gramma.” Gasping on pain, Kendra spun away, heading for the door.