A Father This Christmas?

So Eva turned and headed in the opposite direction—back through the curtains of the cubicle that held her son.

Their son.

If she just accepted right now that Jacob wasn’t going to be sticking around—he was just a locum after all, here for the busy Christmas period—then it wouldn’t hurt as badly. She couldn’t expect him to stay. She and Seb deserved to be loved 100 percent. Eva refused to accept anything less.

* * *

‘Seb will be okay to go home soon. I’ll have to take the rest of the day off. There’s no one else to take him, and I can’t get my neighbour Letty in—not after this.’

‘The new doc can pick up the slack,’ Sarah said.

‘Jacob.’ Her mouth and lips and tongue flowed over his name like a caress.

Eva turned to go and get Seb, then realised her coat and bag were in her locker on the other side of the department. She hurried to get them, flushing as she went past the double doors to Resus.

She had to be quick. Her fingers fumbled over the combination lock and her hands were shaking by the time she managed to open it.

She’d worried so much about how Jacob would react upon finding out he had a son that she hadn’t given a thought as to how Seb might react if he found out! He didn’t even know he had a father. Seb hadn’t yet asked, and she’d been too afraid to broach the subject with her very young son, deciding to wait until he was older to tell him what little she knew about Jacob.

Eva hurried from the staff locker room and headed for the cubicles.

She wanted to go home now!

CHAPTER THREE

HE HAD A SON? A son!

That little boy. Seb. He’d just been talking to him, taking care of him, and he’d not once suspected that he was his son.

But why would he? Just because the boy had had the same hair as him and the same eye colour...that didn’t mean he should have suspected at all...

Why the hell hadn’t Eva told him about Seb? Why had she kept him a secret?

He couldn’t bear that. Secrets were dangerous.

He had to talk to her. Find out more. Find out what had happened after he left.

Walking away from the Christmas tree, he headed back to the cubicles—only to find Eva there, putting on her coat and scarf.

‘Where are you going?’

‘Home. I can observe Seb there. I am qualified.’

‘He needs to stay here.’

She looked at him. ‘This is nothing to do with you. You don’t have to pretend to care.’

‘Seb is everything to do with me—and not just as his doctor. And I do care.’

Eva stared at him, and as he waited for her to say something Seb peeked at him over his book and smiled.

Jacob couldn’t help but smile back. Seb was a cute little guy.

Then he looked back at Eva. ‘You both need to stay. We need to talk.’

She shook her head. ‘I’m not ready for this right now.’

‘Tough. It’s happening.’

He dared her to defy him. If she chose to walk away right now, then he had no idea what he would say. He’d probably have to chase her until she gave up and headed back to A&E. But thankfully he didn’t have to do any of that.

Eva let out a big huff, and then removed her scarf and unbuttoned her coat. ‘Fine.’

Jacob let out a breath and his shoulders sagged down. He hadn’t realised how tense he’d been. He couldn’t help but look at Seb now.

He looked tall for a three-year-old. Like himself, he supposed. He could remember his mum saying that he’d always been tall for his age. Then again, Eva wasn’t short, either. But now, the more he looked at his son the more he could see himself in the little boy. Seb’s eyes were the same shape and colour as his, he had the same wavy hair, the same shaped mouth...

It was like looking at a mini-me.

And he was three years old...

Three years that he had missed out on. Three years of important milestones—his first word, his first steps, his first tooth, his first Christmas!

I’ve missed everything. Birthdays and Christmases...

How had he not known about his own son? More important, why had Eva kept it from him? For three years! The last woman who had kept a secret from him had almost destroyed him.

Jacob called for one of the healthcare assistants to sit with Seb. ‘Don’t let him out of your sight,’ he said, then guided Eva into the staff room and slammed the door closed behind them.

Three years! I’ve had a son for three years and she never told me!

Fury and rage that he’d never thought it possible for one human being to contain filled his body, making it quake, and he had to grit his teeth to try to bring it under some form of control.

‘What the hell have you done?’

She looked up at him, her eyes wide and defiant as a solitary tear dribbled down her face. Even crying she was beautiful, and he hated her for that. Why couldn’t she look wretched? Why couldn’t she look awful, as if she were suffering for the pain she’d caused him?

He recalled Michelle standing in front of him, crying, begging for his forgiveness...

‘I’ve done nothing wrong.’

He looked at her, incredulous. ‘Nothing wrong?’

‘I’m raising a boy on my own and I’m doing a damned fine job, thank you very much!’

‘Oh, I’m sure that you are—but what about me? Did you not think our son deserved a father?’

‘Of course I did!’

A horrible thought occurred to him. ‘Are you with someone else? Is another man raising my child?’

She shook her head. ‘No.’

‘Then, why didn’t you find me and tell me?’

‘I tried! Believe me, I tried! But I only had your name, and I knew you were going to work for a charity in Africa. I had no way to track you down.’

‘Did you even try?’

She wiped the tear from her cheek. ‘Do you know how many charities do work in Africa? Do you know how much research that would have taken?’

‘You could have asked my friends from the party! They would have known!’

‘I did! They told me you were working with Change for Children, but when I contacted them, they told me you’d already left!’

He stared at her. It was true. He had worked for them, but only for a little while. And then he’d met that doctor working for a different charity and he’d gone with him, hoping to assist with an eye clinic...

Had he told anyone? Had he told anyone the specifics of where he was going next? He couldn’t remember. Surely he must have said something? But even if he had, would she have been able to track him down? He’d still been running then. He would not have left a way for himself to be traced by his family...

Was all this his fault? If he’d only thought to leave a forwarding address... Only he hadn’t, had he? Because he’d been trying to avoid his family tracking him down and sending him letters, bothering him with all their worry and their ‘Are you all right?’ and ‘Are you coming home?’

He’d always assumed that when the time came he would be there for his children. As his father had been for him. He’d imagined what it might be like to hold his baby in his arms... And Eva had had his child, not found him to tell him about it, and his own son had been without him for three years. If he’d known he wouldn’t have stayed in Africa for so long...or even gone there in the first place!

Words couldn’t adequately describe how angry he felt right now.

And for it to be Eva who had done this to him. The woman who had sashayed into his life one night, blown his mind and made him feel more alive than he’d felt in a year! The woman who’d filled his dreams for many a night subsequently. The woman who’d made him regret leaving England. The woman he’d thought about coming back home for.

He’d never have expected that she would do this to him!

‘So...what does Seb know about me?’

She folded her arms. ‘Nothing yet. He’s too young to have asked about his dad. I had planned, when the time came, to tell him that you were in Africa, with no means of communication.’

‘Africa...’

He’d loved it there. It had been such an education for him—would have been for any doctor—to go from a high-tech medicalised hospital to work in a ramshackle, dusty building that barely had instruments, lights or monitoring equipment. Many a time he’d been so frustrated at the lack of equipment, at the numbers of people they’d lost because they didn’t have adequate resources, that he’d decided to come home again and again, after every loss, but he never had.

If only I had...

Then he might have learned about Seb sooner. Learned about Eva. Could he forgive her? This was Eva—the woman he’d...

Jacob cleared his throat. ‘I’ve lost so much time with him already. He needs to know who I am.’

She stood up instantly, her body blocking the door. ‘You’re not going in there to tell him right now.’

He raised an eyebrow. ‘He needs to know.’

Eva nodded. ‘Then, I’ll tell him. At home. In his own space. Then maybe... I don’t know...perhaps you could come round later? Get to know him? Next week, perhaps...’

‘Give me your address. I’ll be round tonight.’

‘Tonight? I don’t—’

‘Tonight. I’ve already lost three years.’

She looked down at the ground. ‘I need more time.’

Jacob stepped forward so that he faced her, his nose mere inches away from hers. ‘You’ve already had three years. Tell him today. Or we both tell him tonight, when I come round. Your call.’

Eva backed away from the intense, angry stare of Jacob’s eyes. She’d had no idea of how angry he’d be. Or, really, what type of man he was. She’d allowed herself to be seduced by a stranger that night. She only knew one side of him.

‘I’ll tell him. I was the one who kept it from him after all.’

The way she looked at him then, with those beautiful crystal blue eyes of hers—the palest of blue, like snow ice on the polar caps—he had a flashback to how those eyes had looked into his that night they’d spent together, and a smack of desire hit him hard and low in the groin.

How could he still desire her when she’d just driven him mad with anger?

‘You know what hurts the most, Eva?’

She shook her head, her full, soft lips slightly apart, so he had to fight the urge to kiss her. It was as if there was a battle going on in his body. Half of him wanted to be furious with her; the other half wanted to take her to bed and make her gasp with delight.

‘Not only did you keep Seb from me, you also kept Seb from my parents. Grandparents who would love him. Aunts and uncles who would adore him. Cousins who could be his friends. My family would adore Seb.’

‘They still can...’

‘But only because I came here.’ He reached up and removed a wave of red hair from her cheek, then realised what he was doing and dropped it like a hot coal. ‘How much longer would you have kept the secret if I’d gone elsewhere?’

She seemed nervous of his touch, her breath hitching in her lungs and then escaping when he let go of her hair. She was breathing heavily, and he felt empowered to know he had that control over her. That she still responded to his touch.

He’d never forgotten that one night...

‘Jacob, I—’

‘What’s your address?’

Reluctantly, she told him.

He stepped past her and yanked open the locker room door.

‘I’ll be round at six.’

And then he left, leaving her alone.

* * *

Eva stood gasping like a landed fish after he’d left the locker room. As the door slowly closed behind him she sank down onto the bench and let out a long, slow, breath.

Jacob knew. And it had been every bit as horrible as she’d feared.

She felt she should have told him when she’d had that moment in Resus. Perhaps it might have gone better? If she’d been honest with him when she’d had the chance? But, no, she hadn’t said anything. Instead, she’d sneaked away like a frightened mouse. And now look what had happened.

She’d wanted to tell him. She’d wanted to tell him ever since she’d discovered she was pregnant! But...

She hadn’t been able to find him. She’d blamed him for being untraceable.

She’d wanted Seb to have it all! A mother and a father. As she’d never had. She’d promised herself that whenever she had kids her children would have the firm foundation of a loving family. Of growing up surrounded by love and security.

When she’d realised she couldn’t trace Jacob she’d quickly accustomed herself to the idea of raising Seb alone. Of relying only on herself—the way she’d always done! Seb would be able to rely on her. She’d be the best mother she could be. Her child would have the certainty that she was there to stay and she would love him more than life itself. Do the job of both parents.

Her feelings for Jacob she could control. What had they been but fantasy? He was a man she’d been able to put on a pedestal because she hadn’t known him long enough to discover otherwise. Who knew what he was really like?

She could do this.

It would be easier now. They would be able to work together and she wouldn’t have to worry anymore about him finding out about Seb. The worst was over.

Wasn’t it?

She caught her own worried gaze in the mirror. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe Jacob would let Seb get to know him and then he’d disappear again? He had a temporary post here—perhaps he’d be a temporary father?

Eva got up and went over to the sinks to splash cold water on her face. She stared again at her reflection in the mirror, dabbing her skin dry with the paper towel.

‘Jeez...you really didn’t handle that very well at all,’ she told herself, trying out a tentative smile.

That was better. She needed to look human again before she went to collect Seb. She didn’t want him to notice she’d been crying. After today he needed to see his normal mum—the one in control. The one who soothed his brow when he was sick...the one who read to him at nights until he fell asleep. He’d need everything to be normal after the frightening start to his day in the minibus.

But I’m going to have to tell him about Jacob...

Exactly how did you tell a three-year-old about his father? Would he even be able to understand what she was telling him? Or would he accept it easily? In her experience her little boy was very adaptable. Maybe he’d take it in his stride?

She threw the paper towel into the bin and continued to look at herself in the mirror. She blinked quickly. The redness in her eyes was almost gone now. By the time she got out there to Seb she should look fine.

Eva opened the door.

Seb was still in his cubicle, but Jacob was with him, holding on to Seb’s little fingers as he spoke to him. Seb looked intrigued. So happy. She wondered what they were talking about. She watched them together. The way Jacob spoke, the way he laughed—he was so like Seb. And Seb looked so like his father, with his wavy dark hair and intense blue eyes. They were the spitting image of each other. He was so obviously Jacob’s little boy.

And I didn’t persevere in trying to find him. I should have! We could have had everything we ever wanted...

Yeah, right. As if that would ever have happened...

Seb spotted her and waved. ‘Can we go home now?’

Jacob didn’t smile at her.

‘Soon. We need to stay for a while so the doctors can keep an eye on you.’

‘Because I banged my head?’

‘That’s right.’ She glanced at Jacob.

He looked to his son. ‘You know what, Seb? I’m going to come round to your house tonight. Is that okay?’

Seb nodded emphatically. ‘Yes! You can tell me more about lions.’

He smiled. ‘I will. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.’

Eva stared at him hard, but he looked away from her and down to his son, ruffling his hair.

* * *

He’d kept them there as long as he could, but eventually Jacob had watched as his son and Eva left the department.

Hell of a first day!

He’d expected fireworks. He’d expected ups and downs. But not this. Never this!

Three years. He’d been a father for three years. Years that he’d spent in Africa, tending to the poorest and sickest of people, with almost no modern medical facilities. Watching people die needless deaths, getting depressed, drinking too much...

Thank goodness he’d stopped with the alcohol. That had been a stupid path to go down. But what with Michelle and The Wedding That Never Was, he’d felt entitled to a drink. And the drink had helped numb his thoughts. About Michelle. About Eva.

She’d been the last thing he’d expected at that party.

He’d gone there expecting to say goodbye to a couple of friends—people who had been there for him after Michelle, who had let him crash on their floors despite the stuff going on in their own lives—and there she’d been. Standing on the far side of the room, in a dress that hugged in all the right places. That flaming red hair had made her stand out in a room of mousy browns and she’d had the bluest eyes he’d ever seen, her lips curved in a half-smile.

Something about her had intrigued him.

Who was she? What was she doing there?

The very fact that he’d actually been thinking those questions had woken something in him. Something that he thought had died along with Michelle. And when he’d held her in his arms to dance, her soft curves moulded into his body, as if she’d been carved specifically for him, he’d turned to mush.

He’d wanted to kiss her. Had wanted to taste her. Possess her. All other thoughts—all the pain, all the grief, all the torment that he’d spent months trying to get rid of—had suddenly dissipated.

All there had been was Eva.

And she’d kept quiet. Not told him he was a father. Not tracked him down. If she had he could’ve been... He could’ve had...

He shook his head to clear his thoughts.

She was doing it again. Muddling his mind. What was it with women who did this?

He had to think clearly again. There was a reason he didn’t like to revisit his past.

Jacob strode back into the department and picked up a patient file. No matter what, life was now going to be different. He’d get to know Seb. Slowly. Not rush it. He’d get to know his son. Let Seb get to know him. Do I want to see my family again?

The last time had been on his wedding day. The day that Michelle had died. Almost five years ago.

Since then, he’d been running. Running from his family...running from those who said they loved him because he couldn’t cope with them. Couldn’t think about dealing with their pity and their sympathy and their sad looks, their supportive pats on his back. He’d not wanted to face any of that. Nor would they have wanted to give it if they knew the whole truth of what had happened that day...

But he could be different now. Couldn’t he? It wasn’t just him anymore—he wasn’t alone now. He had a son, and his son would need him. He refused to let Seb be without his father for a moment longer.

And it was nearly Christmas. Traditionally a time for family. Perhaps now was the time for him to start building some bridges? Maybe let his parents know about Seb? Maybe Eva would let him take Seb for a visit? They’d love that. Love Seb. And Seb would love Jacob’s old childhood home. The smallholding. The animals there. The old orchard where Jacob had spent so many hours himself.

I can’t go. There are too many memories there of Michelle...

It was too much to think of going there.

Michelle had grown up right next door. His English rose, with her gorgeous straw-coloured hair that had floated and billowed in the breeze. He could picture her everywhere there. In the orchard. The barn. The house. He could hear her laughter even now, as she danced away from him, always out of reach.

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