Just Friends To . . . Just Married

A silence filled the room that was so profound it had the effect of a shrill, protracted scream. Tracy remained uncharacteristically mute for a long time. Though their partnership started after he’d last seen Kim, Tracy knew about her—of her acceptance of him when others thought he was weird. Of her generosity, her warmth and her easy laughter that could brighten even the most awkward and alienated geek’s gloom.

Tracy knew being with Kim was like being home, to Jax. She also knew, with every date Jax went on with another woman, he tried to wash a bit more of Kim’s memory from his heart. Kim had been the warmth in his life, a warmth he still struggled to learn to live without.

“Oh,” she finally said. Right now he wished he’d never told Tracy about Kim. Hearing pity in her voice made him cringe. After another drawn-out silence, she asked, “Why now? After all this time when you’d almost…” She didn’t go on, but he knew what she meant. When he’d almost broken free of the hold she had over him.

He returned his attention to her face. She looked so sad for him he felt a tug of compassion and tried to shrug it off. “The usual. Another broken heart.”

“And you’re supposed to fix it,” Tracy said.

He grinned with bitter irony. “When she says she needs her Jax Fix, she’s usually talking about a heart overhaul.”

“Lord!” Tracy bent over and bumped her head on the legal pad, a prime theatrical bit. With her face on her desk, she covered the top of her head with her hands. “Now that I’ve heard everything, I might as well croak.”

He looked out of the window again, then back at his partner, so dramatically overwhelmed. “It’s what she needs,” he said quietly.

Tracy rolled to her cheek and frowned at him from her desktop-view. “What about your needs, Jax?” She sat up and lay her hands flat on the desk. “You’ve told me enough that I know it kills you to be with her, yet—not be…”

He appreciated her loyalty and sensitivity and reached over the muffin tin to lay his hand across hers. “You’re a good friend, Trace. And it is hard, but…” How did he put into words the horror that squeezed his heart at the thought of never seeing her again. Being with her was hell, but all the years he’d been without her had been worse. At a loss, he shrugged. “It’s complicated.”

Tracy snorted. “If I had one measly dollar for every time I’ve heard that pruney old cliché from a friend in a one-sided relationship, my household staff would consist of France. ”

He squeezed her fingers and kidded, “Instead you can only afford to employ the population of little old Nebraska.”

She smirked. “Okay, laugh it off. But clearly the matter of our success doesn’t solve life’s problems because you—who could actually afford to employ all of France—look like you just clocked off a gritty, all-night shift in hell.”

He stood up. “Then I’d better go shave.”

“That would be a start, since looking the way you do, you’d scare the hirelings.” She flicked her wrist over to check her gold watch. “Speaking of whom, a few early birds will be arriving very soon.”

He nodded. “Point taken.”

As he walked away, she said, “I worry that she’s using you.”

“Don’t worry about me, Trace.” He left her office and headed toward his.

More than anything in the world, he wished Tracy’s impassioned misconception of Kim were true. If she really were that selfish, using him to salve her ego, he could make quick work of ridding himself of her. But she wasn’t, and deep down Tracy knew it. She knew Jax well enough to know he didn’t suffer fools or false friends easily.

Kim was one of the most giving people he’d ever known. She simply took their closeness for granted, like breathing. If anybody deserved to be blamed, he did. It wasn’t Kim’s fault that he didn’t have the guts or the heart to tell her how much her visits hurt. Being highly sensitive she would be wounded beyond repair to discover that the faintest touch of her hand could bloody his heart.

Kim heard the garage door open and knew Jax was back. That morning she was disappointed to find him gone. She’d hoped they could chat over breakfast. Last night she spent a lot of pent up energy going through his cabinets, planning a breakfast of veggie omelets, whole wheat muffins and her famous strawberry-banana smoothies. Hopefully tomorrow she could coax him to stay later, let her fix him breakfast, since he obviously consumed nothing this morning but coffee. She knew he had a busy life and she didn’t want to impose. Just because she had a little free time and a broken heart was no excuse.

But he was home now and she planned to make herself useful. He was wonderful to let her show up out of the blue, so she wanted to make her time there as pleasant for him as she could. Tonight they’d have taco salads a la Kim. She checked herself in the mirror over the dining room buffet then fluffed her hair and the neck ruffle of her silk blouse. She was almost as excited to see Jax as she had been to see Perry. For different reasons, of course. Jax wasn’t her lover. He was more important than a lover. He was, well, Jax.

She could hear footfalls on the back stairs that led up from his garage. When he came into the kitchen, she positioned herself in front of the kitchen table, arms wide. “Well, give, Jaxon! I’m starved. Lets get going on those taco salads.”

He carried a brown bag in each arm. “It’s good to see you, too,” he said, his smile half-cast.

She plunked her fists on her hips. “Well, naturally it’s good to see you. That goes without saying. I always adore seeing you.” She took one of the bags from his arms and gave him a smooch on the jaw. “Mmm, you smell good. What is that cologne?”

He walked to the stainless steel countertop and set down the other bag. “I think it’s called Badboy.”

She set her sack next to his. “Badboy?” Hadn’t she used that exact description while thinking about him last night? She noticed the wayward curl that gave him such a roguish quality dangling over his forehead. “‘Badboy is very appropriate.”

He’d begun to empty the groceries. When she made the remark he paused, glanced at her. “It is?”

She laughed at his dubious tone. Clearly he’d never thought of himself as a bad boy. She reached up and ran a finger along the errant lock. “That’s the bad boy look I love, right there. Such a deliciously delinquent curl. It makes you seem so…” She stopped, thought about it. “So…” The word “sexy” almost slipped out but she caught it in time and searched for a substitute word.

“So—what?”

Feeling oddly restless she lowered her hand from his hair and looked away, busying herself with the groceries. “Oh, uh, I don’t know. Like a mobster or something.”

“A mobster?” He sounded doubtful. “A la Al Capone?”

She couldn’t help smiling and glanced his way. “Well, maybe a mobster’s accountant.”

He squinted at her, evidently not flattered by the comparison. Could she blame him? But she dared not admit that the misbehaving curl made him look like a sexy pirate. Such a remark would be blatant flirting, and—well, that’s not why she came to Jax.

He raked his fingers through his hair. “If we’re through discussing my hair, why don’t you finish putting this stuff away while I change.”

“Sure.” She avoided eye contact. “Take your time. Even better, let me fix the salads. You relax. You’ve had a long day.”

“No, I said I’d help. I’ll be right down.”

“Don’t be silly.”

He stilled. She couldn’t help looking at him and experienced a tingle of pleasure at the sight. His attempt at erasing the mobster curl had failed. “I have a secret ingredient,” he said. “Therefore you can’t do it alone.”

She cocked her head in playful challenge. “Oh, really?”

He nodded, appearing serious. “Just grate the cheese. Is that understood, woman?”

Clamping her lips together she fought a grin. When she could manage it without giggling, she said, “My, how masterful you’ve become.”

He indicated the cheddar on the counter. “Just grate. I’ll be right back.”

She elbowed him lightly in the ribs. “Don’t let that mobster accountant thing go to your head.”

He turned away, headed toward the door. “You can’t un-ring a bell, sweetheart.” His voice mimicked the distinctive delivery of an old-time movie tough guy.

“Heaven help me,” she said, laughing. “I’ve created a monster.”

“No, a mobster’s accountant,” he corrected in the same tough-guy voice.

After he disappeared from view, she took up the cheese package and began to open it, grinning to herself. Jax could be so cute. Strange. She had a perfectly awful day, accented by bouts of crying and feeling sorry for herself. Then Jax shows up, and—bam!—sunshine streams in to warm her cold, old soul.

After dinner, Kim insisted they leave the dishes for her to do later. She took Jax by the hand, leading him into the living room to drink their coffee. When they reached the sofa she gently pushed him down, then took a seat, kicked off her sneakers and curled up on the far side. “Can we have a fire?” she asked, feeling better than she had all day. “I love the smell.”

“Sure.” He grabbed a remote off the end table and pressed a button. Instantly fire flared in the hearth.

“Oh—my—heavens!” She giggled, set her coffee on the end table and leaned over to run a hand along his biceps. “What a pioneer type you are. That must have been quite a strain.”

He lay the remote aside. “The wood fairy didn’t carry in that wood, you know.”

She smiled. “I’m kidding. Your place is awesome. Pushbutton fires, yet.” She lounged back, picked up her coffee, but continued to look at him. He’d changed into jeans and a soft, golden sweater that accented his torso nicely. Looking at Jax made her feel better, and she sighed. Then she had an amusing thought. “So your secret taco ingredient is taco seasoning, huh?”

He peered her way. “Yep.”

She laughed. “I hate to tell you, but your secret’s out.”

He frowned, faking shock. “No.”

She nodded, giving him a pitying look. “‘It’s true.”

“Damn. There goes my shot at a show on the cooking channel.”

She laughed, scanned his wayward bad boy lock of hair, his well toned chest, flat belly, solid thighs…” You work out, don’t you?” she said, surprised to hear the remark aloud.

He sat his coffee on the sleek, espresso-brown coffee table. “I told you that last night.”

How embarrassing. Not only because she had asked a second time, but because neither time had she meant to say anything out loud. She crossed her arms before her, pretending to be casual and conversational. “Oh? Must have slipped my mind,” she lied. “Well, it shows.” She winced inwardly. Had she lost the ability to think something without blurting it out?

His brow crinkled, as though he wasn’t sure how to take the remark. “Thanks.”

“Feel free to smile, Jax. I won’t tell.”

That remark provoked a bona fide glower.

She sat up, concerned, and scooted over to him. “What’s the matter? Have I done something to upset you?” She took his hand. “I know I’m a terrible disruption, and I was only thinking of myself when I burst in on you. All through dinner all I did was babble about Perry and my job. It’s been me, me, me, and you’ve been so good, listening and…” The sentence died as she had a distressing thought. “Heavens—it’s a woman, isn’t it?”

“What?” She’d clearly caught him off guard with that question. He stared, looking cautious.

“You have a girlfriend, and you think you have to neglect her while you baby me.” She grasped his hand with both of hers. “That’s it, isn’t it? Well, you don’t have to. I’d love to meet her,” she said. “I don’t want to screw up your social life. But that’s exactly what I’m doing. You want to be with her and you have to babysit me.” She felt terrible guilt. “I’m such a selfish—”

“No,” he interrupted gruffly. “You’re not a selfish anything. And there’s no other woman I’d rather…” He paused, cleared his throat. “I have no one serious in my life at the moment, so don’t beat yourself up for no reason. You know me well enough to know if I didn’t want you around I’d…” He paused, looked as though he had a troubling thought.

“You’d tell me?” she prompted.

He glanced at his coffee cup, picked it up and took a gulp, then set it down heavily. “Yeah—right.” After a second, he returned his attention to her face.

She showed her doubt by narrowing her eyes. “I don’t know that I do know that, Jax. I can’t remember you ever telling me to get lost as a kid. And I must have been an awful annoyance at times. A twelve-year-old kid tagging after a fifteen-year-old teenager.” She cuddled up to him, hugging his arm with both of hers. “You never, ever told me to get lost. How could I know you’d tell me to now?”

“I never told you to get lost?”

She smiled. “Never. I would remember because I’d have been crushed.”

He shifted his gaze to the fire. “Apparently I have a high tolerance for awful annoyances.”

“So you’re okay with me being here?”

He watched the fire without speaking.

“Jax?” she coaxed. “Did you hear me? Are you okay with me being here?”

“Sure,” he said quietly. He glanced at her and nodded, his smile brief but as welcome as the fire’s warmth. “Of course.”

“I’m glad.” She lay her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. “Doesn’t the fire smell nice?”

He didn’t respond. At least Kim wasn’t aware of any response. She was exhausted from the emotionally draining day. Stress had taken a toll, sapped her, and Jax’s nearness felt so comforting. When sleep beckoned, she floated toward it, entirely relaxed for the first time in…too tired…to think…

Jax sat motionless, almost not breathing. Kim’s scent coiled around him like a siren with no regard for the mortal soul damned to eternal loneliness by her flagrant yet innocent cruelty. Her breasts, pressed against his arm, burned seductively. His gut clenched with hot desire.

Steeling himself, he glared unseeing into the fire, its mellow, woody smell a poor second to the sweet essence of the woman cuddled there, unknowingly laying waste to his heart. After a mercifully short time, he could tell she slept by the low, even rhythm of her breathing.

To keep from waking her, he carefully disengaged himself from her grasp and lowered her head to a pillow. He covered her with a cashmere throw and turned off the table lamp. For a moment he couldn’t move, so captivated by the sight of flickering firelight setting her hair aglow. A glossy tendril fell across her cheek. With no capacity or desire to resist, he smoothed it away from her face, then kissed the freckled cheek where the curl had rested.

She stirred, sighed, the slight, throaty sound piercing his heart. Abruptly he straightened and grabbed his cup, then retrieved hers. He had two choices, either clean up the kitchen or ravage the woman he wanted desperately not to love. Gritting his teeth on a curse, he distanced himself from her before he did something unforgivably stupid.

CHAPTER FOUR

THE next morning at the office, Tracy made it clear that Jax had seen better days. She was right. He hadn’t slept much last night, either. And as was Tracy’s way, she dragged every bit of information out of him that he was willing to share. The part about the kiss and his urge to debauch a defenseless, sleeping woman remained his guilty secret.

“So Kim’s a professional meeting planner, you say?” Tracy asked, drawing him back from his reverie.

In Jax’s office, where they often ate, the pair lunched on veggie subs, at Tracy-the-health-nut’s insistence. She didn’t consider lunchtime off-limits for strategy planning meetings. At least his office made these business lunches endurable, due to their bird’s-eye view of Lake Michigan.

“Yes, she’s a meeting planner,” he said.

“That could work for us.” Tracy sipped her herb tea.

He didn’t understand. “What could work for us?”

“I’m saying we could put your troubling little houseguest to work. Have her be the official hostess for the Japanese CEOs coming to your country place.”

Jax didn’t like the sound of this, and shook his head. “I don’t think—”

“You don’t have to think, Jax Man, because since you mentioned it this morning, I’ve done all the thinking that’s necessary on the subject.” She laid aside the last bit of her sandwich. “I’ve been stewing about this meeting ever since we decided to do it, and I believe Kim fell right into your lap at the perfect time.”

“Stewing?” That wasn’t a word he associated with his take-no-prisoners partner. “What have you been stewing about? Why haven’t I heard about it?”

“Well…” She looked uncharacteristically embarrassed. “It probably seems petty to you, but remember that function last summer when we met with business owners from around the country?”

He nodded. “Sure.”

“Do you remember my complaining about how several of them handed me coats and snapped their fingers at me when they wanted coffee refills. Remember how questions were directed to you and how I was pretty much ignored?”

He frowned. “I think you must be exaggerating.”

“Not really.” She shook her head adamantly. “I’d say a good third of them treated me more like a waitress, a coat-check girl, a secretary, even once a freakin’ babysitter—and you know how I feel about kids—than your partner.” She exhaled loudly, rolling her eyes. “I don’t plan to let that happen again.”

“The Japanese are a very progressive people. I’m sure—”

“You’re probably right, but I’m not willing to take chances.” She eyed him unblinking, her stare deadly. “Have you ever changed the diaper of a baby with the runs? It’s no picnic, Jax. I don’t intend to be thought of as anything this time but your partner. Comprende? Some cultures don’t look at women the way ours does. They have more conservative notions about male vs. female roles and family values. Our Japanese guests may not have the slightest problem thinking of me, and treating me, as their equal. But at that thing last summer, with those good-old-boys snapping their fingers at me like I was a trained dog, well, it was humiliating, So even if there’s only a one-percent chance I’d end up waitressing or holding coats next week, it’s too chancy for me to cope with. I’ve been so worried I’ll be relegated to hostess status, it’s giving me an ulcer.” She banged the table with a fist. “Damn it, Jax, I’m not a waitress or a coat-check girl or a babysitter, and I don’t want those businessmen to assume I’m there for no other reason than to babysit their wives.”

She paused, grim-faced. “I do not intend to stand around serving tea and petit fours, talking about child rearing or husbands, neither of which I know squat about. Nor do I care to know anything. I will not babysit those wives. It’s not in my job description.” She sat back, lolled her head on the chair-back as though spent. “There I’ve said it.” She let out a long, weary exhale, then lifted her head to look him in the eye. “Do not tell me I’m being silly, because if you do, I’ll—I’ll…” She sat forward, aggressively. “I’ll quit. ”

Jax could hardly believe Tracy’s emotional torrent. Poor woman. Obviously Tracy’s summer experience hadn’t been good. She was truly frightened of being minimized at their upcoming conclave of Japanese CEO’s. He laid aside his sandwich and leaned across the corner of the table to touch her fisted hand. “I can’t believe I was so preoccupied with work I didn’t even notice.”

She smiled wanly. “I was a little hurt that you didn’t.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

With his reassuring touch, she visibly relaxed and placed her free hand on his. “You know me. Never admit fear or defeat.”

He grinned. “Yeah, well, from now on make an exception if it involves our partnership. Understood? I’ll have no more talk about quitting.”

She frowned, as though ashamed about her hesitance to reveal her apprehension. “Okay—well, now that you know my deepest, darkest fear, my thinking is, if we get Kim involved, we can kill two birds with one stone. She can get her Jax Fix, mend her fitful little heart and she can also make some money representing the traditional female role of hostess. That will leave me free to act as the equal partner I am. Is that an excellent idea or is it an excellent idea?”

Jax’s initial inclination was to say no, but with Tracy’s extreme anxiety, what could he do? “It isn’t as though the plan isn’t good,” he said, feeling his way. “Except—then Kim would be around that much longer.”

“True.” Tracy nodded. “But has she mentioned leaving anytime soon?”

Jax pursed his lips. Nothing Kim had done or said so far had the earmarks of an impending departure. “No,” he admitted.

“How long does she usually stay for these Jax Fixes?”

He shifted his gaze to stare unseeing out of the window, the view of Lake Michigan blocked by Kim’s face—the way she looked last night, asleep on his sofa. “A week—or two.” He flinched. Having Kim around, looking the way she did in the firelight—seemingly pliant and willing, yet in reality, oblivious and unsubmissive—would be like enduring two weeks crawling over broken glass.

“That’s perfect!” Tracy’s enthusiasm pulled him back in time to see her smile. “She’ll have almost a week to plan, which isn’t much, I’ll grant. But everything as far as food, location and accommodations is already taken care of. She’d really only have to be there to oversee things, watch after the spouses while we’re in meetings. That would be child’s play for a professional like your Kim.” She clapped her hands. “She’s made to order.”

He drummed his fingers, agitated. With this new wrinkle—the possibility of keeping Kim around to utilize her expertise—the burden of anxiety had clearly been passed from Tracy’s shoulders to his.

“Oh, don’t shake your head!” Tracy said.

He flicked his gaze to her. Had he been shaking his head?

“Look,” she added gently, understanding in her eyes. “I know it’s hard for you to be near her, but if she’s going to be around anyway, why not use her? She gets her fix, you get a meeting planner and I get to be the partner I deserve to be, not a coffee toting toadie.”

Though his mood was far from happy, he couldn’t help but grin at her imagery. “I’d like to see somebody treat you like a toadie.”

“Yeah?” she said. “Well, the next man who does will lose a favorite body part.”

Jax’s grin faded as he tried to get his mind around the whole Kim problem. He knew she would stay as long as she felt she needed to, but that didn’t mean he had to do all the giving. From the moment she arrived on his porch, he’d been frustrated and angry to find her back in his life, complicating things, shredding his peace of mind.

To balance the scales, maybe he could use her for a change. It wouldn’t be the kind of “using” that would break hearts, only the kind that would exploit her expertise. If he couldn’t have her as his life, he wanted her out, and that had to include shucking the title of “friend.” When all was said and done, he would have to lay it out for her, painful as it might be.

But for Tracy, for the present, he would bite the bullet. During the next ten days he would continue to play the role of friend and confidant to Kim, no matter how deeply it cut.

He refocused on his partner, decision made. “Okay,” he said. “For you, I’ll ask Kim to be our official hostess. Feel better?”

Tracy stood, walked around to him, took his face between her hands and kissed his forehead. “You, Jax Man, are a prince.”

After she left, he sat for a long time feeling like hell. “I’m sorry, Kim,” he muttered. “But your dear old Jax is about to use you—then lose you. It’s time.” He slumped back and closed his eyes. “You’ll hate me but…blast it, as hard as it will be for me to say goodbye, dealing with your anger, even your hatred, will be easier than living my life tortured by this unbearable, celibate intimacy we share now.”

Kim couldn’t believe her ears. Had Jax actually asked for her help? “Are you kidding?” she said, excited. “You want me to hostess your business meeting?”