The Yummy Mummy’s Survival Guide

Try not to think about having a scan as a way of finding all sorts of things wrong with your baby. A lot of people get really worked up about scans, but they are usually just a great chance to see your baby for the first time, and to make the pregnancy feel more real. Very, very real, in fact. Yikes!

Come Fly With Me (while you still can)

If this is your first pregnancy, then please trust me on this one: travelling will never be as easy or enjoyable as it is now, so GO ON HOLIDAY and enjoy yourselves while the going’s good. If you don’t, and you duck out because you can’t be bothered, feel too tired, or don’t look nice in a bikini any more, you will regret it forever, and really annoy me because I’d love to go, thanks very much.

If possible, fly away somewhere beautiful, because this will be the most tricky form of transport once the baby arrives, and you can get somewhere much more exotic on a plane. Flying short distances is perfectly safe for your baby and cabin pressure, dry air and ugly seat-covers won’t harm it. Do tell your doctor before you go though, because everyone has different medical circumstances…

TOP SURVIVAL TIPS for pregnant travellers:

Fly before you are 28 weeks pregnant. After this, some insurance companies get a bit panicky, and either refuse to insure you at all, or require a letter from your doctor confirming your due date.

Carry your travel medical insurance with you at all times.

Take your medical notes with you.

Drink lots more water than usual to combat swollen feet and ankles, and to stave off dehydration.

Go to the loo every time you see one.

Walk about even more than usual on a flight, to prevent varicose veins, backache, thrombosis and so on.

Learn how to say ‘pregnant’ in the language of the country you’re going to. ‘Stop staring at my big stomach’ is also handy.

Don’t go scuba diving, or use saunas or hot jacuzzis.

Go to the British Insurance Brokers Association if you are having trouble getting travel insurance.

Health Matters

Yes it does, and here are some.

As well as what you eat, drink, do and think, there are yet more things which could affect your pregnancy, and which you should be aware of. Because we’d hate any pregnant ladies to be having too much fun, wouldn’t we…

Gardening

Assuming you can still bend down and reach some soil and filth, then wearing gloves and washing your hands thoroughly afterwards is essential. Earth contains parasites which can cause toxoplasmosis, which in turn can cause brain damage to the foetus, or even a miscarriage. If you let these get under your nails and into your mouth, you could be in real trouble.

Pets

If you still have a pet, then try to get rid of it as soon as possible. Ok, obviously don’t really do that, but you might like to spend a few minutes honestly trying to think how manageable this will be soon: a baby is quite enough for most new mums to handle, without also having to feed the goldfish, clean out the hamster or take the Labrador for long walks. In the meantime, being near animals is not a good idea when you are pregnant, because they carry all sorts of bugs and nasties, which are potentially very harmful to a Yummy Foetus, for example toxoplasmosis, chlamydia, listeria, E. coli and salmonella. It’s also not a good idea to visit a zoo, a farm or a vet. The worst domestic offender is the cat litter tray, and if you must clean it out then dress like a bee-keeper and wash your entire body thoroughly with TCP afterwards.

Medication

If you are on any, your doctor should have gone through whether you can carry on taking it while you are expecting. If you have to take some medicine at some point, make sure it’s OK to.

A small problem: Almost everything carries a ‘do not take this if you are, or think you might be pregnant’ warning in case somebody drinks an entire bottle of Night Nurse and sues the pharmaceutical company when her baby has three heads. This makes it impossible to know whether something really is potentially harmful, or if there’s virtually no risk at all unless you are armed with common sense. If you truly believe that taking one Nurofen for the headache you’ve had for two days will do more harm to your baby than the stress your headache is causing you, then you must carry on suffering.

Definite no-nos: aspirin (it thins the blood), ibuprofen, decongestants containing ephedrine.

Safe medicines: paracetamol (hooray!), antacids containing magnesium or aluminium, and most other over-the-counter medicines, but ask first!

External Factors

These include working in a smoky atmosphere, being very trigger-happy with the bleach, living under the M4, painting all your walls in leaded paint, and other such nasty things. Try to avoid inhaling, ingesting or spending a lot of time hanging around any nasty chemical or biological substances, which could pass into your blood, and then into your baby.

PART FOUR Nearing the End

The third trimester (aka ‘the last lap’) can feel disproportionately long. It’s a bit like standing in the Co-op behind an old lady who wants to buy a half-bottle of Vodka with an out-of-date cheque book, when all you need is a pint of milk and this month’s InStyle, and you’ve parked outside illegally.

With only a couple of months left, the time for burying your head in the sand is well and truly over, and things are hotting up on all fronts. If you looked at yourself in the mirror at 24 weeks, and swore you wouldn’t/couldn’t get any bigger, this last stage will come as quite a shock. You are about to get very, very big indeed, and it’s time to start getting organised for take-off. It’s an uncomfortable, exciting, frustrating and nervous stage, and the only way to survive it is to keep busy.

More Physical Changes (nearly there though…)

Never wishing you to become bored, or too comfortable, your body saves a few surprises for the last month or two. Cheers, love.

Is There a Loo Around Here?

In the last month your baby presses down on your bladder quite hard, so you will need the loo constantly. Added to this is the fact that you feel you need to drink lots to keep hydrated and avoid getting piles, so it’s not uncommon to have to wee more than once an hour. And when you have to go, you have to go NOW.

Backache

A big stomach means a sore back. Mostly this is your lower back, as the baby weighs down so heavily there, and maintaining a good posture is critical now. Backache can be very bad during the night towards the end, and upping the number of Johnny Depps between your legs to two, or even three, can help.

I Can’t Get Comfortable

Nope. And you won’t until Junior is out. Lying on your back for long periods is, as you now know, not a good idea. Lying on your stomach became impossible months ago, standing hurts your back, and sitting down squashes the baby into your rib cage so you can’t breathe or eat anything. The best positions for me were perching on a high stool, and lying on my side with pillows in position. It is a tough time, but you’re nearly there now…

Twinges and Cramps

These can be really painful and also terribly embarrassing: there is no subtle or ladylike way of relieving cramp in your groin when you are in the middle of Selfridges. Leg cramps and twinges in your back, abdomen and groin ligaments happen a lot now, but unless they are painful and prolonged they are probably just caused by your baby getting big and heavy. Moving around as much as you can helps, as does gentle stretching every few hours.

Haemorrhoids

Don’t panic: I never got any. Promise. If you do, drink more water and up your fibre and fresh fruit intake to keep things, errr, moving more easily.

Stretch Marks

Just when you thought you’d made it they can pop up like a bad zit before a party. Keep going on the oils every night, and pray for a lucky miss.

Burping and Farting

This is so much fun, because you can fart as much as you like, and blame it on the baby. Seriously, it’s really common to get somewhat gassy towards the end, so if you have to be in an enclosed space with somebody for a long time, then sit near the window or be prepared for some funny looks. It was around this stage that my two-year-old learned to say “Whodunnafart?” It was always Mummy.

Braxton Hicks contractions

These have been going on since the middle of your pregnancy, but you may start to notice them a lot towards the end. Your body is just doing lots of dummy runs for what a proper contraction should be like, so it makes your uterus tighten for 30-60 seconds every so often. Your abdomen may feel harder, and it may hurt a little, or you may hardly notice it at all. If I sound a bit vague, it’s because I have to: every woman has her own experience of Braxton Hicks contractions and there are no hard and fast rules. Oh, except these: if you have any vaginal bleeding or leak water, and if, before your 37th week, the tightenings are accompanied by lower back pain, come at more than three per hour or seem to be very regular, call your midwife. You may be in premature labour. Them’s the rules, girls.

What To Buy Now

Baby Clobber

Considering how tiny they are, babies need a head-spinning amount of clobber. If you are ever accused of owning too much ‘stuff’, then point your longest manicured digit at the youngest consumer in your family and plead innocence: next to your baby, you look positively frugal.

I say babies need a lot of clobber, but it’s probably more a case of ‘are expected to have’ a lot these days. When your grandmother was a baby, she probably made do with some swaddling clothes and an old rag doll, and was much better off for it. But these are ‘these days’, and Yummy Mummies can choose from a baffling array of equipment, toys and aids to make their babies happier, comfier and more stimulated, and their own lives much easier.

Here are some essentials:

1. Car seat

The only legally required bit of kit. Newborns’ car seats need to be rear-facing because babies’ necks aren’t yet strong enough to withstand any force. Some come as part of a three-in-one system, which means you can lift the car seat straight onto your pram chassis and off you go. Don’t scrimp on a car seat: get a good new one.

2. Pram

Probably your biggest investment, and worth every penny. The best advice I can give is push them around the shop and see how they handle. Things to look out for include:

Swivel wheels or fixed? I’m a fixed girl—give me swivel wheels and I’m like a drunk ice-skater.

Suspension. Will it withstand bumping up and down kerbs and over potholes? Will your baby get whiplash between your front door and the end of the road?

Space. Does it have enough underneath for piling all your shopping into? Remember that your shopping list will quadruple the minute you become a Mum: nappies, wipes, baby-food jars, nipple cream, gin…you need a lot of room under there, and that’s before you have piled in the baby’s changing bag, some toys, your handbag and last week’s Sunday supplements, just in case you get a moment to yourself.

Handle height. Will it break Very Tall Daddy’s back when he pushes it?

Folding and dismantling. If you are likely to do a lot of travelling, then getting a pram which comes apart easily, or better still just folds away in one piece, is essential. We have wasted hours at airports removing the top half from the chassis and putting it back together again.

Size. Does it fit in the back of your car? You’ll feel so stupid (and cross) if it doesn’t.

Lining. Does it come out and can it be washed?

Can your baby sit up properly, as well as lie down? New babies should lie down all the time, because of the weak neck problem, but after a few months they will love sitting up a bit and looking at the world whizzing by. Then, when it’s time for a nap, you can just lie them flat again.

Can your baby face forwards or backwards? This, for me, is one of the most important factors. All my babies have faced me (i.e. backwards) when I pushed them in the pram, because that way they could see me, I could talk to them and point things out, and I could also see whether they were being strangled by some loose strap or other more easily. I am also convinced that all the talking, smiling and singing you can do with your baby facing you can dramatically improve how fast they learn things. And if they’ve just been sick out of the corner of their mouth you will notice before anyone can tut-tut you.

Can it have a buggy board attached to it? This ride-on platform will be indispensable once you have another baby (which you might, despite it seeming like a ridiculous notion right now).

And, finally, if it ticks all of these boxes, ask yourself one last question:

Is it stylish enough for me? Your baby’s pram will become like a fifth limb to you, so if it doesn’t make you proud, don’t get it. Get one you like—the baby doesn’t care.

3. Buggy

A pram and a buggy? Isn’t this a little unnecessary? Not at all: prams are big, heavy and cumbersome; buggies are small, light, fold-down-in-a-flash-able, portable and absolutely essential. For day trips, quick hops to the shops, and travelling abroad, a good buggy is the piece of gear you’ll need. NB: babies can only go in a buggy once they can sit up properly. Otherwise they just slide down into a heap at the bottom and you’ll be picked up by Social Services. Not glam at all.

4. Raincover and sunshade

Ooooh, don’t get me started on these. I hate raincovers. They are ridiculously expensive, they never fit on properly, they rip, they snap, they stick out so far that you’ll clear supermarket shelves as you go down the aisles, and, most annoyingly, they are essential. I think it’s called being caught between a rock and a hard place—wet baby or infuriating rain cover?

NB: there are loads of different models available, so make sure you get one which fits your pram or buggy, and don’t take the shop assistant’s word for it. Get her to fit it right there in the shop, and watch her struggle to get the damned thing on. If you’re not sure, find a different model. Good luck.

I have no such murderous thoughts about sunshades, but I would complain that they are very drab. Where are the beautiful, stylish sunshades out there? If you can get one where the sunshade is detachable from the bit which screws on to the top the pram, then do: it’ll save a lot of time screwing and unscrewing.

5. Moses basket

I was sure we didn’t need one of these, partly because the name is as unappealing as the object itself, and partly because I didn’t see what was wrong with letting my baby sleep in the top half of the pram for a while. Or a large cardboard box—it’s not as though the baby will notice. Having bought the least hideous one I could find, I was very glad I did: much more comfortable (and socially acceptable) for the baby, and it was even quite cute. However, I would never leave my baby in a Moses basket in a stand: a disaster waiting to happen, surely? The floor is the best place, preferably right next to your bed to start off with, so that you can just finish a feed, turn over and pop your baby back in again.

6. Cot and travel cot

Not much to say here, except that the top bar should be high enough to stop a nine-month-old baby from nose-diving onto the floor. Choosing a cot bed is quite cunning, because you will be able to squeeze a good few years out of it. Just using a travel cot is a bad idea, because they are less sturdy, they often have fabric sides which rustle if your baby wriggles against them, and they look fairly hideous. Get a nice wooden one, and sit back and admire. We swore we didn’t really need a travel cot (did we think we needed anything, in fact?) but it has come in useful on hundreds of holidays and weekends with friends.

7. Mattresses, sheets, blankets

For some weird reason we are happy to spend a fortune looking after our own backs and necks, but make do with a horrible synthetic-foam mattress with a plastic cover for our babies. Considering how much time they spend on it, this is pretty mean, not to mention unhealthy. Get a supportive, breathable mattress made from natural fibres if possible (The Natural Mat Company is a great place to start looking) for your baby’s cot, and find sheets which actually fit. There seem to be a million different cot shapes and sizes, and buying a ‘standard’ sheet size never worked for me. Or maybe I’m just hopeless at making a mini bed.

NB: Don’t put your baby under a duvet for at least six months. They wriggle around all over the place, and will end up kicking the duvet over their head and suffocating. Stick to blankets or a baby sleeping bag, and if it’s cold then put an extra layer of clothing on the baby, rather than in the cot.

8. Baby gym

Excellent, excellent investment. No sweat or Lycra involved here, just some bright, shiny objects which dangle above your baby’s head as she lies on a mat. There are loads of different types, but my favourites were the soft ones which fold up—you can take them away with you and ensure a happy, occupied baby while you’re on holiday or visiting relatives.

9. Bouncy chair

Bouncy chairs allow for more stretching and bouncing than car seats, which babies like. Until your baby can sit up unaided, a bouncy chair is the only way you will be able to go to the loo, wash your hair, or do anything else which requires two hands.

10. Non-slip rubber bath mat

Cheap, not very pretty, but very useful—it makes bath-time less like trying to catch an eel in a Jacuzzi.

11. Changing mat

Always far too flouncy and unattractive, but as they’re going to have a fair amount of poo and other nasties wiped on them, I don’t suppose it really matters. The most important thing is that it’s long enough—you don’t want your baby to have outgrown it within four months, and have her bottom resting on the carpet.

12. Cupboard and drawers

Junior fashionistas have a ridiculous amount of clothing considering how little there is to actually clothe. The wardrobe I started out with was woefully too small, and I upgraded within three months to something much bigger. Twenty babygros, ten snow-suits (because everybody will give you one), hundreds of socks and unworn baby shoes, and all the clothes your baby is yet to grow into have to go somewhere, and anything smaller than a full-sized armoire with five drawers is too small.

13. High chair

Not for at least six months, if not more, but at some stage within the first year you will need something better than a bouncy chair for feeding your growing baby. A high chair should be the opposite of your desired body shape: think sturdy, chunky and practical. Those tall ones with long, skinny legs terrify me—my babies would topple those over in three seconds during a particularly lively feeding session. Ours converts into a table and chair, which will be very useful just as soon as we can stop producing yet more babies who need it as a high chair. My daughter is still waiting for a desk…

14. Muslin squares

When my first college friend joined me in Yummy Mummyhood, I remember giving her a box of beautifully wrapped muslin squares—they were the most useful baby things I ever bought myself, and I knew that everybody else would plump for impractical bonnets and My Baby’s First Photo Album schmaltz instead. Her face displayed a look I can only describe as something between disappointment and disgust. I bet she regrets it now. I became so used to having a muslin square over my left shoulder to catch any post-feed spills that I frequently walked around with one even though my baby was somewhere else. They are also indispensable for lying your baby down on if you need an emergency change somewhere less than spotless, as a very thin layer in hot summer months instead of a blanket, or as a makeshift sunshade if you’ve left yours at home as I always seemed to.

15. Bibs

Loads and loads and loads. Soft ones which do up at the back are best, unless you want to smear egg into your baby’s hair as you remove it. Done that many times.

16. Changing bag