The Silent Cry: There is little Kim can do as her mother's mental health spirals out of control

‘I think it’s time you showered and dressed,’ Geraldine said to her.

‘In a moment,’ Laura replied. ‘There’s no rush. It’s not as if I have to be anywhere.’

I thought it was time to go. ‘I’ll be making a move then,’ I said. Geraldine hovered as I quickly finished my coffee and then returned the cup and saucer to the tray. ‘Thanks for the coffee,’ I said to her and, standing, I took our jackets from the chair back.

‘Will you come again soon?’ Laura asked, with a plea in her voice.

‘Yes. I’d like to. When is convenient?’ I helped Paula into her jacket.

‘Any day. I’ll be here. Every day if you like,’ Laura said with a small laugh.

‘But we do have things to do,’ Geraldine said flatly, looking at her.

‘What about Thursday or Friday afternoon?’ I suggested.

‘Yes, Thursday,’ Laura said quickly. ‘I’ll look forward to it.’

‘You can come to me if you wish,’ I said, putting on my jacket.

‘Best if you come here,’ Geraldine said. ‘One o’clock on Thursday should be convenient.’

I looked at Laura for confirmation and she nodded resignedly.

‘I’ll see you Thursday then,’ I said. I assumed I wouldn’t be seeing Laura in the playground before then.

Leaving her sitting on the sofa, I took Paula’s hand and we went down the hall. Geraldine saw us out.

‘Thank you for the flowers,’ she said before she closed the door.

I lifted Paula into the stroller and fastened her safety harness. ‘Baby,’ she said.

‘Yes, baby Liam is having a sleep,’ I said.

‘Bye,’ she said.

‘Good girl.’

I pushed the stroller down the front garden path and onto the pavement. I feel there is a fine line between assisting someone in a positive way when they need help, and completely taking over, so the person loses confidence and comes to rely too heavily on their caregiver. It was something I was aware of in fostering and strove to avoid. While I was sure Geraldine meant well in looking after her family, from what I’d seen she was doing far too much for Laura and had taken over, dominating her and making decisions for her. True, I hadn’t taken an immediate liking to the woman, but that may have been a personality clash. What concerned me now was that she appeared to have reduced Laura to a childlike state so that she relied on her for everything, and Laura was starting to resent this, understandably. I liked Laura – she was the type of person I’d want to be friends with – and clearly she’d wanted me to visit again. It was a pity I couldn’t persuade her to visit me on Thursday. I felt that not only would the change of scenery have done her good, but it would also have given her a break from her mother-in-law.

When I collected Adrian from school that afternoon Geraldine made a point of nodding in my direction but didn’t speak. I returned a pleasant smile. She left the playground as soon as she had Kim, and they were nowhere in sight when we began the slow walk up our road. At home I found a message on the answerphone from Shelley’s social worker, thanking me for looking after Darrel at such short notice. She said she’d spoken to Shelley that morning and her mouth felt a lot better now. I was grateful she’d found the time in her busy work schedule to let me know. Not all social workers would have done that and it was very thoughtful of her. Adrian, who’d heard the message, was also pleased Shelley was feeling better.

‘So she’ll be able to sing to Darrel tonight,’ he said.

‘Yes, I’m sure she will.’

With no foster child to look after, I made the most of any free time I had to continue writing my dissertation – when Paula had her morning nap, and also in the evening when she and Adrian were in bed. The subject of my dissertation, education and children in care, was a subject I felt passionately about, as so many children in the care system failed to reach their full academic potential. I was exploring the reasons why this should be so and what could be done to reverse the trend. It was a big subject, although one that had received surprisingly little research and had only seldom been addressed. I worked on my dissertation again on Thursday morning while Paula had her nap. After lunch I put some of her toys in the ‘baby bag’, together with her trainer cup and a change of nappy, and explained to her that we were going to see baby Liam and his mother, Laura.

‘Lawwah,’ Paula said, making a good attempt at pronouncing her name.

‘Yes, Laura.’

‘Lawwah, Lawwah,’ she repeated, and then broke into fits of giggles. I kissed her cheek.

It was a fine, sunny day, so we didn’t need our jackets. I let Paula walk down the street to number 53, but I took the stroller nonetheless. I didn’t know how long I’d be staying at Laura’s, so I wasn’t sure if I’d have time to return home first or if I’d have to go straight to school to collect Adrian.

‘Baby,’ Paula predictably said as I pushed open the garden gate.

‘Yes, we are going to see baby Liam and Laura.’

‘Lawwah, Lawwah,’ she said, chuckling.

I parked the stroller on one side of the porch, unhooked the baby bag and then pressed the doorbell, but no one answered. I waited and pressed the bell again. ‘She did say Thursday,’ I said out loud, wondering if I’d got the wrong day.

‘Fursday,’ Paula repeated, not knowing what I meant.

The door suddenly opened and Geraldine stood before me, looking uncharacteristically flustered. ‘I was going to phone you to cancel, but I couldn’t find your number.’

‘Oh. Do you want me to come back another day? Laura has my phone number.’

‘I know, but she wouldn’t give it to me – I mean, she couldn’t find it,’ she quickly corrected herself.

I wasn’t sure if I was being admitted or not. Paula stood beside me, holding my hand.

‘Well, you may as well come in now you’re here, I suppose,’ Geraldine said tersely, opening the door wider. ‘Or she won’t be pleased. But best keep your visit short. Laura hasn’t been up long.’

‘Oh dear. Is she ill?’ I asked, concerned and feeling this was the most likely explanation for someone staying in bed all morning. She didn’t reply, so I helped Paula over the doorstep and into the hall.

‘She’s in the living room,’ Geraldine said.

She turned and I followed her down the hall with some apprehension, not knowing what to expect. I sensed an atmosphere, although I wasn’t sure why. Laura was sitting on the sofa, gazing into space. I thought she looked pale and tired, and had possibly been crying. There was no sign of Liam.

‘Hello,’ I said, smiling as we entered.

‘I’ll leave you to it then,’ Geraldine said stiffly, and went out, leaving the living room door wide open.

‘Are you all right?’ I asked, going over to Laura.

She shook her head, but didn’t speak. Standing, she crossed to the living-room door and pushed it shut so hard it slammed. Paula jumped; it made me start too. She returned to the sofa and burst into tears.

‘Oh, love, what’s wrong?’ I asked, going over and sitting beside her.

‘Everything,’ she sobbed. ‘Everything.’ Paula stood close to me, looking very worried

‘It’s OK,’ I reassured Paula. ‘You can play with your toys while I look after Laura.’ I quickly took the toys I’d brought with us from the bag and settled her on the floor, close by my feet. I put my arm around Laura’s shoulder and tried to comfort her as she silently wept. I was half expecting Geraldine to reappear – she must have heard the door slam – but she didn’t.

‘It’s all right,’ I said to Laura.

I held her until she was calmer and then she took out a packet of tissues she had tucked beside her on the sofa. ‘Sorry,’ she said, peeling a tissue from the packet and wiping her eyes. ‘I’m having a bad day.’ Fresh tears formed.

‘I understand,’ I said, gently rubbing her arm. ‘Is there anything in particular upsetting you? Anything I can help you with?’ I appreciated how easily things can get on top of you if you are tired and feeling low; even the ironing can seem like an insurmountable task.

She shook her head. ‘No. If only it was that simple.’ She twisted and pulled at the tissue. ‘I feel so useless the whole time. I can’t seem to do anything right. I get stressed about the simplest of things, even making a cup of tea or answering the phone, so I don’t do anything, because I can’t cope. I feel tired the whole time and I can’t be bothered to move. Last night I lay in bed listening to Liam crying to be fed, but I didn’t have the energy to get up and feed him. Andy had to get up and bring him to me, and then, when he’d finished feeding, he changed him and settled him back in his cot. We agreed I’d do the night feeds, as he has to go to work, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. Then this morning when Geraldine arrived at seven he told her.’

‘She arrives that early?’ I asked, slightly surprised.

‘Yes, that’s when Andy has to leave for work. They make sure one of them is here with me the whole time.’ She gave a small sob and Paula looked up at her. I threw her a reassuring smile. ‘I know I’m useless,’ Laura said. ‘But Andy and his mother don’t help. They talk about me behind my back, and she tuts when I do something wrong. Or maybe it’s me being oversensitive, I don’t know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be going on at you like this – you haven’t come here to hear this – but I’m so miserable I don’t know what to do.’ She wiped away more tears.

‘It’s all right,’ I soothed. ‘Don’t feel embarrassed. We all feel down sometimes, but I am concerned. Have you seen a doctor yet?’

‘No. It will pass eventually. It did last time. I just have to get a grip. That’s what Geraldine says: “Get a grip.”’ She sniffed.

‘I’m not sure that’s the best advice,’ I said. ‘Sometimes we need help getting over these things. And there may be a physical reason why you’re feeling low. A friend of mine developed a thyroid problem after having her second child. She felt really low, with no energy, and she lost her appetite. She worried for weeks before she saw her doctor. He sent her for tests and the thyroid problem showed up. She was put on medication and within a week she was back to her old self. I really think you should see your doctor.’

Laura shrugged despondently. ‘I don’t know. I’d have to phone the doctor to make the appointment, and I struggle making decisions about anything right now. I couldn’t even decide which babygrow to dress Liam in this morning. I mean, how daft is that? It was a choice between white or blue, and I panicked and froze. I just stood there, with him not dressed and getting cold. Then Geraldine heard him crying and came in. She wasn’t pleased. She said I should have called her sooner. She dressed him while I went back to bed. I like being in bed, asleep. It’s nice being unconscious. I think they like it too. I’m such a burden. I’m sure they’d all be better off without me. Sometimes I think I should do them a favour and kill myself.’

Chapter Seven

Upset

I looked at Laura, more concerned than ever now. This was more than feeling down or having a bad day. It sounded to me as though she could be severely depressed.

‘I really think you should see a doctor,’ I said again. ‘I don’t understand what’s stopping you. You could be suffering from postnatal depression.’

‘Yes, I could be,’ she said. ‘But I don’t want it on my medical records. I got through it before with Kim without the doctor, and I will again.’

‘How long did it take then?’ I asked.

‘Not sure. I think I was back to normal when Kim was a year old.’

‘A year!’ I said, astonished and dismayed. ‘That’s far too long to be feeling like this. And why should it matter if it’s on your medical records? Lots of people suffer from depression at some time in their lives. I remember reading that it was as much as twenty per cent of the population. Shall I make the appointment for you if you don’t feel up to doing it yourself? I could phone now from here and you could decide when you wanted to go.’ I thought this might help, as everything seemed such an effort for Laura right now, which of course was a sign of depression.

‘No, it’s OK,’ she said. ‘I can tell my doctor at my six-week check-up. I think it’s the week after next. I’ll tell her then.’

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