I Spy

‘She must have stored it there, so it was a kind of stowaway when I moved here from London – I didn’t know she’d done that. Would you like it?’

‘Wouldn’t that be weird?’

‘Why would it be? It should be used.’

‘Why does the tag say “Jacinda Molinero”? Molinero’s Miller. Right?’

‘It was my nickname for her. Did you look up the Spanish on your phone?’

I nodded. I’d never told him about my ability to speak Spanish, probably because I never wanted him to know about my failed aspiration to be a spy, and my language skills were bound up with that.

‘Jane loved Spanish.’ He looked so fond, even proud, as he talked about her. ‘She seemed to be able to learn any language she wanted, as soon as she stepped into a new country. It’s a rare gift, but some people have it. She loved to travel.’ He had never spoken about her before. So normally. Using her name.

Maxine could fuck off. He wasn’t behaving like a man with anything to hide. Tears were running down my cheeks.

‘What is it? Holly? – You cry so easily these days.’

I shook my head. ‘I don’t deserve you.’

‘Yes you do.’

‘I don’t. You should be with someone who’s accomplished – some clever doctor or barrister.’

‘They’re boring. And that would be predictable.’

‘A supermodel.’

This made him laugh. ‘Even more boring. And I’m already with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.’

‘I’m not.’

‘You are to me.’

I pulled him closer, trying to shut out Maxine’s voice, which whispered out of my own bones that if I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen it was only because I bore a likeness to Jane. He looked so pleased when I moved my hands down his back, when I kissed him, when I whispered that I wanted him so much and I couldn’t wait until he returned.

‘But will you always feel that way?’ He moved a hand up my thigh, under my dress, beneath my underwear. ‘Are you sure you’ll never change your mind?’

‘Yes.’ I was unfastening his belt. ‘I’m sure.’

Now The Woman in the Room

Two years and four months later

Bath, Tuesday, 2 April 2019

At first, I try not to look at the woman who has drawn so many police officers and forensic scientists to this house. I try to look at everything but her. I focus on the room.

The carpet is pale beige. It is clean and soft and probably the last thing she walked on. There is little in the way of furniture. A small pine wardrobe, a television screen attached to the wall, and a four-poster bed of shiny fake wood. The white sheets are so tangled I cannot help but imagine the aftermath of recent sex. It makes me think of another room, and another tempest of a bed, in a faraway house that rests on top of a plague pit by the sea.

‘What do you see?’ The voice is Maxine’s and she is talking to me.

‘The bed doesn’t go.’

‘I mean the woman.’

What I had wanted to say was that the mess of the bed doesn’t go with everything else in the superhumanly clean and empty house. ‘Nobody could die that neatly, in such a messy bed,’ I say.

She is naked, as far as I can tell, though the quilt hides her middle, going from the top of her thighs to the upper edge of her breasts. She is delicate, and probably a few centimetres shorter than I am, though it is difficult to be sure with her lying as she is. Her arms are by her sides, resting above the quilt and curved like parentheses. Her legs are as straight as a ballerina’s, though her toes are not pointed. I wonder if she was arranged in this position before her body grew stiff and cold.

I can’t look at her face. I put my hand to the side of my right eye to stop myself. I am too afraid, and I do not care if Maxine and Tess know it.

‘Were you wanting to say,’ Tess asks, ‘that the messy bed is out of place in context with the rest of the address?’

‘Yes.’

‘Be back in two minutes.’ Tess hurries from the room.

I crouch by the side of the bed. I long to smooth her hair. But again, I am too frightened that if I do I will see her face. If I were alone, I would tell her how sorry I am that I failed her, that I didn’t do enough to help to find her in time.

Where have you been, I silently ask, for the last six years?

My hand curls around hers, an impulse to comfort somebody who is beyond help. Even through the thin blue gloves they made me wear, I can feel that her warmth is gone. She is the temperature of the pine wardrobe. I remember imagining how my baby would pink up, as I fantasised about her birth. What has happened here is the opposite of pinking up. The hand in mine has lost its softness, its human sponginess. There is no give any more. The give, the warmth, the pinking up, that is what makes us human. But this hand is a plastic doll’s.

Maxine crouches beside me. ‘You can’t touch her.’

As I release my grip, I notice the nails. They are well cared for, and though they protrude no more than a few millimetres beyond the tips of her fingers, they are painted pinky-nude. They are not broken – there is no obvious evidence that she fought or struggled.

I want Peggy. I want her to fold me in her arms and let me press myself into her plump softness the way I did as a child.

Tess comes back into the room.

‘Can I ask when this happened?’ I say.

‘The early hours of this morning.’

What I can see of her skin is like a waxwork, but there is a blue tint to the jaundiced-looking yellow.

‘Are those pressure marks on the face?’ Maxine asks. ‘Though they’re not very pronounced.’

The question prompts me to look. It is an accident, a reflex, my movements so quick and panicked that everything is blurred. Before I can tear my eyes away, I glimpse skilfully dyed blonde hair. And I see her face. Her nose and mouth, I think, had oozed blood. The skin around them is extra pale, and her tongue sticks out as if she had bitten it. Her cheeks are dotted with red pinpricks that I think must be some kind of bruising.

‘Could be from post-mortem postural changes,’ Tess says.

What is not pronounced to Tess and Maxine is very pronounced to me.

I have learned too much from Zac. I cannot stop what comes out. ‘It’s suffocation of some kind, isn’t it?’ My voice is quiet. I force my eyes upwards, stop them at her neck, quickly close them before turning my head towards her feet. ‘I can’t see any marks on her neck, so maybe smothering more than strangulation.’

‘And you know this how?’ Tess says.

‘I used to date a cardiologist.’ There is a twinge of fear at saying this, as if Zac were in the room, listening. Even now, I imagine how he would bristle at the word date, and especially at the words used to.

Dating is a word from women’s magazines filled with things that rot your brain. It’s the worst kind of cultural vulgarity.

We will never be in the past tense, Holly. You and I are forever. You don’t go through what we have, invest what we have, only to give up.

This is why I say date. This is why I say used to.

‘Explain what you see, please,’ Tess says.

So I try, in a strange blend of Maxine’s lack of inflection with Zac’s words. What I remember about his saying them to me was his charm, the way he smiled, as if he was telling a dark joke. And that I smiled back, and my face grew flushed, and there were shivers all the way down my arm as he traced a finger over my bare shoulder.

‘It’s the blue tint to her skin. What happens to the heart, and the skin, if someone dies from a cardiac arrest, it’s the same as what happens with suffocation or strangulation. The heart continues to pump blood around the body for at least a couple of beats, but that blood doesn’t have as much oxygen, so it’s less pink. That’s why her skin has the blue tinge – the blood beneath it is deoxygenated.’

Tess nods. ‘Correct. Plus, the eyes are bloodshot.’ I nearly ask how she can know this, but realise she must have prised them open to look before we got here.

Maxine says, ‘Can Helen see her right ankle, please, Tess? You’ll need to go round to the other side of the bed, Helen.’

The oval is there, on the outer side of the lower calf, though I’d already half-glimpsed it. A smoky purple circle the size of a two-pence coin, slightly above the ankle bone. A bruise like a black star sapphire, perfectly cut, and set against the blue-tinted skin.

I am staring at that oval. Maxine is staring at me. ‘I’m not expecting you’d recognise her face in the circumstances, but have you seen the mark before?’ she says.

I can taste bile. The last time I tasted that was when I woke in hospital after it happened.

‘No,’ I say.

‘You’re sure?’ she says. ‘It doesn’t remind you of anything?’

Three years ago, looking at the photo in Zac’s bedside table, I’d wondered if it was a tattoo.

‘It’s a birthmark,’ I say. ‘A dark circle, that’s all.’

‘I’d say it’s very distinctive,’ Maxine says. ‘Would you say that too, Tess?’

‘I would.’

‘Then I will defer to your expertise. Am I free to go?’ My breathing is getting faster. My back is soaked, just as it was during the night sweats after her birth.

‘We’ve come across a photograph,’ Maxine says. ‘On the hard drive of a laptop that someone took a great deal of trouble to copy for us.’

I know who that someone is. That someone is me, and though I’ve never been told exactly what was on the drive, I have guessed.

‘There were indecent images and video footage on that drive – I can assure you it has all been carefully protected.’

I look at my feet. My eyes are welling up but I am determined not to cry.

‘One of the relatively innocuous images is of a woman lounging by a pool. Her birthmark is identical to this one.’

I take a few small steps, unhurriedly, towards the door. ‘I asked if I am free to go.’ I am practically choking.

‘Of course,’ Maxine says.

I am out of the room. I am on the landing. I am halfway down the paper-covered stairs.

Maxine is right behind me. ‘Tell me the specifics of anything you’ve done to give yourself away.’ Her voice is quiet. ‘Contact with anybody from your old life. Any crumb of evidence that could lead Zac to finding you here. Please.’

The image of my grandmother in the newspaper photograph, and the caption with her full name, flashes before me. Maxine’s face is expressionless as I tell her. But I leave out the sound of Peggy’s voice last night, and James’s, both of them flailing in the dark.

There is something else I leave out, too, because it belongs entirely to me, and I genuinely don’t think it is why this has happened. It has been over two years since Milly or I reviewed anything on our blog, but it still exists in hyperspace. A straggle of readers occasionally look at it, and every once in a while, a new comment appears.

Last summer, there was a response to a five-star review of The Tenant of Wildfell Hall that I’d written several years earlier. Somebody with the username Abandoned Friend had this to say.

Your review sucks. You don’t address how selfish the heroine is. Whatever her husband did to her, she doesn’t stop to think about the worry and grief she caused the people she left behind. What about her poor aunt, who loved her? She should have found a way to let her know she was okay.

I didn’t know for sure that Abandoned Friend was Milly. But it seemed pretty likely that she was, and that she was talking about Peggy when she mentioned the poor aunt. So I created a new User Name, Brontë Fan, and replied to the comment.

I don’t think you are being fair. If she’d let her aunt know, that would have increased the risk of being discovered, and might also have put her aunt in danger. She knew her aunt was wise and would understand, and hoped the day would come when they could be reunited.

As soon as I posted the message, I felt sick, knowing I shouldn’t have done it.

I haven’t revisited the blog since then, fearing that even the act of opening the page would set off an alert somewhere.

‘Holly.’ The way Maxine says my name, my real name, out of anyone’s hearing, is almost human. For nearly two years, my grandmother has been the only one to call me that.

Despite this, my next words come like an explosion. ‘Why don’t they just arrest him? You know he’s done this.’

‘They need evidence first – that’s what’s happening here right now.’

‘Why didn’t they arrest him two years ago, once you had the hard drive? She wouldn’t be dead if you had.’

‘The data wasn’t as strong as we’d hoped, back then – it wasn’t conclusive. As far as the body in that room—’

‘Not “the body”. Jane. A human being called Jane.’

‘As far as Jane is concerned, we can’t go around making arrests for cases that the Crown Prosecution Service would toss in the bin. We need to get this right, so it will stick.’

I press my fists against my eyes. ‘He’s here. A woman came to the hospital. I think she must be his wife. With a little girl who must be his. Is she? Is she his daughter?’

‘Yes. His wife and his child. You’ve nothing to fear from them.’

‘The child is the same age …’ My voice trails off.

‘I know that must be difficult for you.’

‘Does the woman know who I am?’

‘We think probably not. The little girl’s medical condition is real. She needed that clinic appointment.’

‘Are they safe? He shouldn’t be allowed near a child.’

‘There’s no evidence he would hurt a child.’ She is uncharacteristically thoughtful, even hesitant, before she continues. ‘I’d hoped you could put all of this behind you. I wish that could have been true.’

Then A Quarrel

Two years and three months earlier

Cornwall, 3 January 2017

Since finding Jane’s suitcase two weeks ago, I’d barely thought of anything else. On the third day of January, though, I was thinking about Milly instead. I was on my way to see her, and we were meeting by the harbour.

The sea was boiling. The wind was howling. The waves were moving walls of rock. Milly and I would never take the safer, drier lanes through the town. Like teenagers, we stuck to the path that followed the sea wall. Spray shot out and up, chasing us. We knew we really could be snatched and swallowed. It had happened to others before.

We threw our arms around each other, grabbed hands and ran through a gauntlet of water, screaming and laughing our calls of Happy New Year, refusing to worry about slipping, stopping to buy chips at one of the cafes along the harbour. There was a belated rendition of Happy Birthday, sung by Milly to me.

We turned on to the eighteenth-century pier, passing walls of stacked lobster pots, jumbo bags of green rope, and red plastic crates for hauling the dead mackerel from the boats to the land. The smell made me gag, but Milly didn’t notice and we walked on to the pier’s far end, where the air was clear.

Our feet were soaked, our hair was drenched, and we were shivering. But we were happy, sitting on the stone bench that followed the wall of the pier and doubled as our backrest. We were burning our fingers on the chips.

I scrambled to my feet, standing on the bench to look over the wall, so I could watch the lighthouse winking in the distance. Milly did the same.

‘I’ve missed you,’ she said.

I pictured the two of us, dancing together in a nightclub upcountry to celebrate my sixteenth birthday, our arms around each other, tinsel in our hair and swaying in heels too high to walk in, the room and lights spinning from too many bottles of beer, elated that we had pulled it off despite being underage.

‘Me too you,’ I said.

‘My mother says you have a father complex, because of your dad dying and all. She says that’s what you see in Zac.’

‘Eew. That’s not true.’ Though a part of me knew it was. Still, I blushed at the idea of Peggy thinking that.

‘We’re neglecting the blog,’ Milly said. ‘We’ll lose followers.’

‘I’ll do something this week. Wuthering Heights has been getting a lot of hate.’

‘Mum will be happy. She’s our number one fan. But have I told you lately she is completely insane? We crossed on the stairs, and she closed her eyes and chanted “Avert” and waved her hands about. Honestly, it was the most embarrassing thing.’

‘Did she pick that up when we made her read The Earthsea Quartet?’

‘Yep, but she won’t admit she’s trying to ward off curses or bad luck. She’d die before she confessed to any superstition about stair crossing.’

‘Have I told you lately that I am an orphan, and you are lucky to have a mum?’

‘Well you have Lord Voldemort. I can’t believe he let you out. Does he make you sleep in a dungeon?’

‘Yes – but don’t call him that, Milly.’

‘I’ll see your Lord Voldemort and raise you a Gaston.’

‘Fair enough. I deserved that.’

‘Looks like Lord Voldemort. Acts like Lord Voldemort. He’s even got the bald thing going on. Please tell me he hasn’t branded you with the dark mark.’

‘Only between my legs.’

She snorted a mouthful of the beer she’d brought out from the pub, the last place in the row of shops and restaurants along the front, and the closest one to the pier. I was drinking spiced tomato juice, and Milly thought this was because I was driving, which was true but not the most important reason.

‘You’re still in there after all,’ she said. ‘I was beginning to think he’d replaced you with a Stepford wife. Thank God the two of you aren’t married.’

‘He wants to.’

‘Well don’t. Please, promise me you won’t.’

My own secret voice was saying, You’re betraying him to sit and listen to this. You should say, How dare you talk about him that way. You should go home right now.

‘You’ll never escape him if you do,’ she said.

‘I don’t want to escape him.’ I thought of my baby, and how desperately I wanted him – or her – to be raised by two parents. To have what I didn’t.

‘Has he taken control of your bank accounts yet?’

‘No! I wouldn’t let him. But he wouldn’t try.’ As if to protect my baby from what we were saying, my hand started to float towards my tummy, though there wasn’t much of a bump yet. I had wanted to tell Milly about the baby several weeks ago, but Zac persuaded me that nobody should share such news until after the magic three-month mark, when the chance of miscarriage was dramatically reduced. The start of January meant I had reached that mark.

Milly looked genuinely surprised. ‘No joint accounts?’

‘No.’

‘Strange. That’s not what I’d have predicted. He’s not tried to get his name on the deed to your house?’

I was lucky, in that I had the house my parents left me, plus some money from my father’s pension. But I was still careful to live off my salary.

‘Of course not. He’s generous – too generous – but he likes to keep his things and mine legally separate. It’s a big thing with him, and it’s important to me too, because of my grandmother.’

My grandmother had savings from the sale of the family farm many years ago, and I was using them to fund her care. But the money was being eaten away fast, and it wouldn’t be long before I had to take over the cost.

Milly shook her head. Her blonde hair gleamed in the moonlight, then dimmed as a heavy cloud moved in front of the full fat moon again to eclipse it. ‘Okay. I have to admit that that stumps me.’

‘Why do you hate him so much, Milly?’

‘He hates me.’

‘He doesn’t.’ We were back in total darkness, feeling the mist from the sea but unable to see it. ‘He wants to get to know you.’

‘No he doesn’t. Question. Did you tell him we were meeting tonight?’

‘He’s on nights tonight.’

‘I know that, Holly – I saw him going in as I was coming out. That’s not an answer. You could have told him yesterday or this morning. Does he know?’

‘No.’

‘I knew it. That’s why we’re here. If you’d told him, he’d have got in the way. You know it too. You’re just not admitting it to yourself. He’s found ten different ways to stop us spending time together over the last few weeks.’

We turned away from the wall, facing the harbour once more. ‘It was the time of year, Milly.’ I sat down again. ‘You said so yourself.’

‘I was trying to make it easy for you.’ She sat too. ‘Do you ever make calls without his being there?’

‘All the time.’ But I realised this wasn’t true. Somehow Zac was invariably nearby when I used my phone.

Milly went on. ‘He may not be controlling your money yet, but you will get sick of him, and when you try to leave he won’t make it easy. Mum and I are frightened. He’s cutting you off from us.’

I tried to lighten things. ‘Isn’t this a bit dramatic? I want to make a family with him. I want to make what you grew up in.’

‘And he fucking well knows it. He’s playing you. He’s saying what you want to hear.’

‘He’s loving. He cares for me.’ I threw up my hands, invisible in the darkness. ‘I matter to him.’

‘Of course you do. More than anything in the world. I’ve heard him say it and that’s what scares me. He chose you because he thinks you have no one. He thinks you’re all alone. But he’s wrong. You have us.’

Although I never felt the cold since becoming pregnant, I shivered. ‘I know that.’

‘Well don’t ever forget it.’ The light slowly returned as the cloud moved sideways to reveal the moon. Milly pulled away to study me. ‘At least you’re starting to look more like you again. Your face isn’t so thin and pale. And I love what you’re wearing.’

‘Chosen for you.’ I loved what I was wearing too. Green ankle boots, bobbled red wool tights, a short mustard tube skirt, and a fleecy orange jumper to disguise my thickening waist. I unzipped my coat and flashed the full view at Milly.

‘And Rainbow Girl is back!’ she said. ‘Goodbye, Grey Woman. Hello there, Rainbow Girl. We’ve missed you. I much prefer you in clothes I need to wear sunglasses to look at.’

‘Hello.’ I zipped up again.

‘Oh, don’t put it away. I want a pic to show Mum.’ Milly’s teeth were chattering.

‘You won’t get a pic out here. Not with the light changing every five seconds.’ The moon was flashing at us, off, on, off, on, as a procession of clouds sped past to eclipse and uncover her. She seemed to mirror the lighthouse’s lamp. For an instant, I glimpsed a frown that Milly didn’t imagine I could see. ‘How’s Gaston?’ I said.

‘I hate him so much,’ Milly said, ‘that I want him to die, because then I would get over him. But I can’t stop fucking him.’

It was my turn to snort my drink.

Milly went on. ‘I hate how he puts that fucking gross hairspray on that fucking gross long hair of his, and I wish it would catch fire when he fills that fucking gross old wreck of a car of his with petrol.’ She paused. ‘Look how – odd – you look.’

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