To Have and To Hold

Then one day, when Carmel had been visiting Paul for over five weeks, she found him propped up in the armchair by his bed, with a rug tucked around him. ‘I’ll try and get a wheelchair for when you come in tomorrow,’ he told her excitedly.

Carmel was as pleased as he was, but she commented drily, ‘You are very sure of yourself, aren’t you? What makes you so certain I will visit tomorrow?’

‘Because I command it and you must do what a poor, sickly patient asks.’

‘Since when?’ Carmel asked with a smile and added sarcastically, ‘What hospital did you say you trained at?’

‘This one,’ Paul said. ‘But I’ll not be at it much longer. As soon as they discharge me, I am away out of this.’

Carmel felt a stab of disappointment. ‘Where will you go?’

‘Queen’s,’ he said.

‘Queen’s?’ Carmel repeated, puzzled for a moment, and then she cried out, ‘You have had your exam results?’

Paul’s grin nearly split his face in two. ‘Yes, and I passed everything so I have accepted the post at Queen’s that they offered to me provisionally, dependent on my grades.’

‘Oh, Paul!’ Spontaneously Carmel threw her arms around him and felt the beat of her heart match his. She melted against him as he held her fast and wished the moment could go on and on.

‘Carmel, I—;’

‘Hush,’ Carmel said, putting a finger to his lips. ‘Not here and not now.’

She pulled away reluctantly and wondered if her face was as flushed as Paul’s was. She knew soon she and Paul would have to talk seriously and this time she wouldn’t back out of it or try to dodge the issue.

When Carmel went into the hospital the following evening, it was to see Paul sitting up in a wheelchair with a broad and triumphant grin on his face.

‘I had to fight for this,’ he said, pointing to the wheelchair. ‘But I won in the end. I thought we might sit in the day room for a change.’

The day room was at the end of the ward and usually virtually deserted as most patients were still unable to leave their beds. Without a word of protest, Carmel took hold of the handles of the wheelchair.

She had never been in the room before and thought it a very unwelcoming place. The bare walls were a dull dirty beige colour, while the paintwork was dark brown, and rigid and uncompromising chairs were grouped before the wireless, or beside one of the tables, which had magazines and papers scattered across it.

The drabness didn’t help Carmel’s mood or help her form the words she had to say if she and Paul were to move forward, have any sort of future together. She sat down beside him in one of the uncomfortable chairs, aware that her heart was hammering against her ribs and her mouth was so dry she wondered how she would be able to speak at all.

Sensing her nervousness, Paul took up one of her hands, noting that it was clammy with sweat. His heart went out to her. ‘Go on, darling,’ he urged. ‘Nothing on God’s earth should cause you this much pain.’

Carmel tried to swallow the lump in her throat threatening to choke her. Her eyes were full of trepidation, ‘Oh, Paul,’ she breathed.

Paul gave her hand a squeeze and Carmel took a deep breath and slowly and hesitantly she told him of her family. She didn’t exaggerate, but nor did she pull any punches.

Paul listened and said not a word. Inside he was raging that such things had happened to the girl he was beginning to realise meant more to him that life itself, but knew that wasn’t the way to deal with this problem, which Carmel saw as such an obstacle to her own happiness.

So, when Carmel eventually drew to a close, Paul said, ‘Is that it?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You know what I mean,’ Paul said. ‘You have let people who aren’t even here dictate to you. Because of your family and primarily because of your father, you were half prepared to say goodbye to me, weren’t you? I felt it and that is why I made that declaration that evening. It was done in desperation.’

‘But…I don’t know what you are talking about,’ Carmel cried. ‘I have told you how it is, how my father—;’

‘Stop, right there,’ Paul commanded. ‘You are talking of your father, not you. I am not interested in your father—in fact, after the way he has treated you, I would be hard-pressed to even be civil to the man—but what I think of your father bears no relation to how I think about you. You shouldn’t have to ask how that is, but I will tell you anyway.’ He looked deep into her eyes as he said, ‘I love you, Carmel, with every fibre of my being, and until the end of time, and I need to know how you feel about me.’

Carmel, seeing the passion in Paul’s face and hearing it in his voice, knew if she rejected this man that she loved because of the actions of her father, he would have won and she would be miserable every day of her life. She was determined now, as she had never been before, that she wouldn’t let that happen. And so she said, ‘There are not enough words written to tell you how much I love you, but I’ll try. I love you, I love you, I love…’

But her words were lost as Paul gave her a sudden tug and she fell against him. When their lips met, the words no longer mattered.

They talked and talked, but now it was as if she was on another plain altogether, a wonderful place where only she and Paul existed. Now that she had at last admitted her deep love for him, she drank in everything: the timbre of his voice, the way he held his head, moved his hands, his beautiful smile that lit up his whole face, and the full and luscious lips she longed to kiss. When Paul lifted one of Carmel’s hands, which he still held, and kissed her fingers one by one, the tremors went all through her body.

Paul smiled in satisfaction. Nothing mattered any more now that Carmel loved him as much as he loved her.

‘Carmel, forgive me for not getting down on one knee,’ he said, ‘but the sentiment is the same. You wondrous, beautiful and desirable girl, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?’

‘Oh, yes, Paul,’ Carmel cried. ‘Yes, yes, yes. A thousand times yes, but…’

Paul knew what was disturbing Carmel. ‘When you have finished your training, of course. In the meantime I will get established at Queen’s and then I will decide whether I want to carry on there, move somewhere else, or possibly specialise.’

‘You wouldn’t fancy being a GP somewhere?’

Paul shook his head. ‘Not at the moment, certainly. Maybe when I am older and greyer, but for the moment I like hospital work. D’you mind that?’

‘Whatever you do is fine by me,’ Carmel said. ‘And I would go with you to Outer Mongolia, wherever that is, if you wished me to.’

‘I don’t think there will be a call for you to do that,’ Paul said with a grin. ‘I was thinking more about another area of Brum.’

‘Were you?’ Carmel said in mock disappointment. ‘What a boring man you are.’

‘I’ll give you boring, my girl, when I am out of this damn thing and on my two legs again,’ Paul said.

‘I can hardly wait,’ Carmel said, and at the seductiveness in her voice and the light of excitement dancing in her eyes, Paul felt as if his whole body was on fire.

‘Oh, Carmel, I do so love you.’

Before Carmel was able to make any sort of reply, the bell denoting the end of visiting trilled out. Carmel looked at Paul bleakly. Never had time passed so quickly. ‘Oh, Paul.’

‘I know, my darling,’ he said. ‘But I won’t be in here for ever, never fear. Will you be able to come tomorrow?’

‘You just try and keep me away,’ Carmel said. ‘But for now I’d better take you back on to the ward.’

‘One more kiss before you do?’ Paul pleaded.

Carmel kneeled on the floor beside the wheelchair and put her arms around Paul, and when their lips met it was as if a fire had been lit in both of them, and Carmel moaned in pleasure.

Paul thought briefly of teasing her mouth open, but decided against it. He knew Carmel would have been untouched by any man and he would have to proceed slowly, or he could frighten her. Anyway, there was no rush. They had a whole lifetime before them.

The news of the engagement of Paul Connolly and Carmel Duffy flew around the hospital and everyone, except perhaps Aileen Roberts and Matron, seemed pleased. Paul was no longer a student, but a qualified doctor and had never been under Matron’s jurisdiction anyway, but the situation was different for Carmel. When Matron sent for her, Carmel went with her heart quaking.

‘You know that fraternising with the doctors is expressly forbidden,’ Matron said. ‘And yet you must have disobeyed my instructions because no one gets engaged in five minutes.’

‘I’m sorry, Matron,’ Carmel said. ‘I met Paul through Lois, who is his cousin. We were just friends at first. I didn’t intend this to happen at all.’

‘Does nursing not matter to you?’

‘Of course, Matron,’ Carmel said. ‘I wouldn’t dream of getting married before I qualified. Paul understands this perfectly.’

Catherine Turner was disappointed with Carmel. She had had her marked down as a girl fully committed to her career, and now look. But there was nothing she could do about it. Once married, most husbands wanted their wives at home and most women wanted to care for their man, and it would be one more good nurse lost.

Paul’s parents congratulated them both, though Carmel knew that only his father was sincerely pleased. Carmel hoped that in time Paul’s mother would accept her, for she certainly didn’t want to cause any sort of rift between them. He had made clear that he thought a lot of his parents. Carmel knew he owed them a lot, for they had supported him through medical school, and without their support it would have been a lot more difficult for him to have qualified as a doctor.

Emma Connolly did think it was hard to hold resentment for a girl that might possibly have saved her son’s life, and doubtless Paul was grateful to her, but she thought a person could carry gratitude too far. Surely Paul could see that he didn’t have to marry the girl.

He had virtually been promised to Melissa Chisholm since birth, and she had all the right connections. Paul and she had had a thing going before medical school and finishing school separated them. Emma had thought that by the time he qualified, Paul would have sown all the wild oats he needed and be ready to settle down with Melissa. It would have happened that way if the nurse Carmel Duffy hadn’t happened along when she did, when Paul was sick and vulnerable. If Paul couldn’t see how unsuitable such a marriage was, Emma was certain the girl would when it was pointed out to her.

She had mentioned her concerns to Jeff and really didn’t know why she bothered because as usual he couldn’t see a problem. ‘Paul’s happy enough,’ he said. ‘I can quite see why he’s attracted to Carmel, for she looks such a fragile little thing, though to be a nurse she must be very strong. Added to that, she is very easy on the eye, and a friend of our Lois’s. What more do you want? And you know if she was none of these things and still Paul’s choice, then that would be that.’

‘The girl will never fit in,’ Emma said through tight lips. ‘Surely you can see that?’

‘No I can’t,’ Jeff said. ‘Paul is no longer in short trousers, but a man of twenty-five and he must be let live his life without interference. Anyway, I reckon, he could go further and fare worse. Carmel is his choice and that, as far as I am concerned, is that.’

CHAPTER EIGHT

It was the last week of September and Paul was preparing to leave hospital after nearly ten weeks. His parents had planned a big celebration, both to welcome him home and also as a belated congratulations party for his exam successes.

Carmel thought the party might be to announce his engagement too, but Paul explained his mother wanted no one to know yet, not until the ring was bought, and then she would put an announcement in The Times and have a proper engagement party. Carmel thought it odd, but decided in the end to go along with the plan. Maybe in the middle classes it was how things were done. How would she know?

She was nervous about the party, and immensely glad Lois and Chris had been asked too. She was certain she would be amongst people from a different social class, and not at all sure whether she would pass muster.

This was exactly how Emma wanted her to feel. She had arranged the most lavish party. Jeff had grumbled at the expense and even Paul had queried the flamboyance.

‘And why shouldn’t it be a magnificent affair?’ Emma asked teasingly. ‘Not only is my son soon to be an eminent doctor, but he was also only recently snatched from the jaws of death.’

Paul laughed. ‘A little dramatic, Mother,’ he said, giving her a hug. ‘But that’s you, isn’t it? Should have been on the stage.’

‘What a tease you are, Paul,’ Emma said, tapping him playfully on the cheek.

With another smile, Paul went off to find his father, who was the one who would have to pay for his mother’s latest foolishness. And that is all he thought it was: getting one over on the neighbours, rubbing their noses in his success and stressing the fact that the Connollys could afford to celebrate in such a way.

That was only a part of Emma’s plan. The biggest part was to make Carmel feel uncomfortable—so uncomfortable that she would realise, without a shadow of a doubt, that she would never fit into their world. The guest list had been worked out carefully and Emma had adjusted the original seating plan to her advantage.

Unaware of Emma’s deviousness, Carmel worried what she would wear to such an occasion, though clothes were usually not a problem any more because the girls, much of a muchness in size, usually pooled all they had. Lois had a lot more than the others, and more expensive usually, but was always generous at sharing. So Carmel set out that night in a dress borrowed from Lois. It was pure silk of swirled autumn colours, the skirt billowing out from the waist and held out with petticoats that rustled deliciously when she moved. The hem was just below the knee. The court shoes were her own. The dark brown stole, which set the outfit off a treat, was one that Jane had got second-hand at the Rag Market.

Paul’s parents lived in a house Four Oaks, Sutton Coldfield. The first Carmel saw of it was two stone lions that sat atop posts supporting wrought-iron gates. That night the gates stood open for arriving guests and the taxi drove down the sweeping gravel drive to pull up with a crunch in front of a house of enormous proportions.

Carmel looked at the three-storeyed dwelling with the beautifully tended flowerbeds either side of the white steps that led to a balustrade that ran around the house front and also to the oaken and studded front door. She felt her insides quiver with nervousness.

‘D’you live in something like this?’ she asked Lois in an awed whisper.

‘Not half as big or impressive,’ Lois said. ‘Uncle Jeff has real money.’

Carmel could feel her fragile shreds of confidence falling away.

Chris, seeing this and feeling very sorry for her, caught her up with his free arm, his other already entwined with Lois. Then arm in arm with both girls he announced, ‘We’ll do this in style, as if this is the sort of thing we are used to doing every day of the week.’

Carmel was grateful to him for lightening the atmosphere. She truly liked Chris and thought he and Lois well suited. Then Chris, with a huge smile of encouragement, fairly swept them along, their shoes crunching on the gravel, taking the steps at a run and ringing the bell with no hesitation.

‘God, Aunt Emma has surely pushed the boat out for this,’ Lois breathed in Carmel’s ear as a man, dressed in a butler’s uniform, opened the door and took their outer clothing, to be put in the cloakroom.

Paul came out to meet them. He took Carmel’s arm and led her into a huge room, which he called the drawing room, that seemed filled with people with drinks in their hands. Carmel was glad there were soft drinks on offer too and she took one of those while she wandered around happily listening to this one and that talking to Paul and addressing the odd word to her.

Then, she was claimed by Emma, who was pleasantly surprised by Carmel’s outfit, though she hadn’t revised her opinion of her lowly breeding. Carmel saw, with a little dismay, that almost as soon as she left Paul’s side he was surrounded by girls. Emma wasn’t surprised, for he had always been a popular boy and he was very handsome—and now, of course, as a qualified doctor, he would be very eligible indeed.

‘They are girls Paul has known for years,’ Emma told Carmel, following her gaze as she watched Paul almost being mauled by some of these rapacious girls, and laughing as if it was all one big joke. ‘They are part of our set, you see.’

Carmel looked at her. She might as well have added, ‘As you will never be,’

Emma went on, ‘Most have known Paul since their nursery years and they are members of the tennis club, or yachting club or sometimes both. Do you play tennis, Carmel, or have you any experience of sailing?’

Carmel’s eyes narrowed for she realised what Emma was doing and could do or say nothing about it without making an almighty fuss. But she wasn’t going to allow her to talk to her in that supercilious way and get away with it.

‘You must know, Mrs Connolly, that I would have little experience of either of those pastimes.’

‘But you see, my dear, I don’t,’ Emma said. ‘In fact, I don’t know the least thing about you and that is quite worrying because we really need to ascertain whether you are the right sort of wife for Paul.’

‘The right sort of wife?’ Carmel echoed.

‘Yes, one that will help him, enhance his career. Believe me, the right wife can make all the difference to a man’s prospects.’

They loved each other. Did that count for nothing? ‘Isn’t it up to Paul who he marries?’ she asked Emma. ‘Paul and I love each other and—;’

‘D’you know, there is a great deal of nonsense spoken of love?’ Emma said disparagingly. ‘Left to myself I would never have married Jeff. I fancied myself in love with a most unsuitable man and really I wasn’t all that keen on Jeff at all. It was my father who advised me to make a play for him. The other man could never have provided for me as Jeff has, and we get on well enough together. I never gave the other man a moment’s thought, for love, you see, fades and it is a very unstable base to build a marriage on that is to last a lifetime.’

Jeff appeared beside Emma before Carmel could think up a reply. ‘Come, my dear, don’t monopolise Carmel all evening. I want her to meet Matthew.’

Carmel had never met Paul’s brother before and he welcomed her with a bow and then, in a voice dripping with charm, commented on her small stature, her luxuriant hair, her absolute beauty so that soon he had her blushing. He kissed her hand with a flourish, but the hand was held a little too tightly, and the kiss went on too long, and when Carmel tried to pull away she couldn’t, or at least not without making a fuss. It made her feel uneasy.

Later she saw him walk across to Paul and, after looking pointedly in her direction, said something to him in French. Paul was annoyed with him and Carmel didn’t need to understand French to know his retort was angry. Matthew was not the slightest bit abashed and had a smirk on his face as he shrugged and moved off.

Carmel longed to ask what Matthew had said, but the party was too crowded to do that without being overheard, and Paul too much in demand to slip away. Anyway, she told herself, Paul had dealt with it. It was likely nothing at all, but she couldn’t help wishing that the party was over and she was back in her room at the hospital where she felt so at ease and could really be herself.

Things got worse when the gong was struck, alerting everyone that the food was ready to be served.

‘We are eating in the supper room,’ Paul said, as he crossed to stand at Carmel’s side.

‘The supper room?’ she repeated, never having heard of such a place. Then, when she glimpsed the room they were to eat in, her mouth dropped open in amazement.

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