The Child Left Behind

‘Nothing official,’ Finn said. ‘They don’t tell soldiers useful things like that, but I am concerned for you because you told me that your father would want a good marriage for you and your sister because he has no sons.’

‘It is not my fault that my father has no sons,’ Gabrielle said. ‘And I told you already that I would only ever marry for love, and the only man I love is you.’

‘It might be ages before I am able to return for you,’ Finn told her. ‘Years even, because there’s no time limit on war.’

‘I will wait for you for however long it takes,’ Gabrielle said simply. ‘I love you with all my heart and soul, and that will never change.’

Finn felt a lump rise in his throat. He took Gabrielle into his arms and when she snuggled tight against him he felt that his heart would burst for love of this beautiful girl. When his tongue slid into her mouth between her opened lips, he heard her gasp of pleasure. He let his tongue dart backwards and forwards until Gabrielle was unable to stop herself groaning in desire.

That night, maybe the thought they wouldn’t see each other for days, or the gift of the locket and their declaration of their love for one another, conspired to make Gabrielle ready for more. Finn could feel it in every line of her body. When he began stroking her clothed body she moaned with the sheer pleasure of his touch. He began to open the buttons on her blouse, thinking any moment that she would stop him, but instead she helped him. He slipped his trembling hands inside and when he cupped his hands around her plump, firm breasts for the first time she gave a sigh of contentment.

Finn felt as if he was on fire, and when Gabrielle arched her back to make it easier for him to reach every part of her, he knew that she was ready. He could take her here and she would do nothing to stop him.

But how could he do that to the woman he loved and then leave her unprotected and unsupported? The effort it took for Finn to pull back was immense, especially when Gabrielle clung on to him.

‘Stop, Gabrielle!’ he cried, disentangling himself with difficulty.

‘I don’t want to stop.’

Finn sighed. ‘Neither do I,’ he admitted.

‘Then…’

‘Gabrielle, you don’t know what you’re saying.’ Finn said. He pulled away from her slightly; to touch her again now would be madness. ‘I love you and desire you so much and yet I know I must show you respect because I can offer you nothing. But if we go on with this much longer, then there will come a point when I will be unable to stop. Do you understand what I am telling you, Gabrielle?’

‘I think so,’ Gabrielle said, but really she was ignorant of the sexual act and only knew that she had thoroughly enjoyed what Finn had been doing to her and had wanted it to go on much longer.

Finn saw her confused face and suppressed a smile as he leaped to his feet and pulled her up with him. ‘Come on,’ he said, as he fastened her blouse. ‘Let’s get you home before I forget all about my principles and ravish you totally.’

Gabrielle wasn’t sure what ravish meant, but she was sure that she wouldn’t mind if it was Finn doing it, and so she smiled demurely and said, ‘Yes, please,’ and Finn’s laughter rang around the room.

Despite missing Finn, Gabrielle enjoyed her aunt and uncle’s visit. The minute they stepped over the threshold, the air in the house seemed lighter. She couldn’t remember having a happier Christmas Day. What really made an impression on Gabrielle that year was the laughter around the table as they all tucked into a truly sumptuous meal, and the silly party games they played afterwards.

She realised, possibly for the first time, that pleasure wasn’t a sin and that life didn’t always have to be the austere, sterile one demanded by her father and followed blindly by her downtrodden mother. Her life would not be like that, she resolved. When I marry Finn our life together will be full of happiness. I shall see to it that it is.

She got ready for Mass the first Sunday after Christmas, knowing that, surrounded as she would be by her aunt and uncle as well as her parents, she would dare not even sneak a look at Finn. It had been the same on Christmas Day, and so she felt rather than saw the melancholy surrounding him, but could do nothing to ease it.

The following morning Gabrielle dressed to go into the shop, because never before had her father allowed the visit of her aunt and uncle to upset her work at all. She had no idea that her aunt had decided to try to do something about this.

Bernadette went straight into the bakery kitchen where Pierre was working. He looked up in surprise, for she had never done such a thing before.

‘Is anything the matter, Bernadette? he asked. ‘Are you all right?’

Bernadette was a carbon copy of his wife, Mariette, though her features were firmer somehow. She and Pierre had always got on well, so she smiled as she said, ‘I am perfectly well, thank you, Pierre. But I feel I do need to speak to you about your daughters.’

‘What about them?’

‘Well, the girls should be allowed to go into town sometimes,’ Bernadette said. ‘What can happen to them in their own town in broad daylight?’

‘You don’t know the worry of trying to rear daughters decently these days,’ Pierre said morosely. ‘More especially now that the town is teeming with soldiers and some of the girls’ morals very lax because of it. Anyway, Gabrielle has her duties in the shop and Yvette is at school all day.’

‘Ah, that is something else I need to talk to you about,’ Bernadette said. ‘Surely Gabrielle deserves time off sometimes, and isn’t Yvette on holiday now?’

‘Gabrielle’s help is needed,’ Pierre said doggedly.

‘Surely not all day and every day,’ Bernadette said. ‘While we are here at least, Raoul can give you a hand, and if Mariette would take a turn in the shop it would free Gabrielle for a few hours. The girls, and especially Gabrielle, need some fun in their lives.’

‘Life is not one long entertainment, Bernadette, whatever you think,’ Pierre growled, and his eyebrows puckered in annoyance. ‘And did you not hear me tell you about the soldiers?’

‘Of course I heard you,’ Bernadette said. ‘I would have to be deaf not to hear you, but do you really think that some soldier is going to leap on them as soon as they leave the shop, especially as they will be in my charge?’

‘No,’ Pierre had to admit. ‘I suppose if you were with them it might be all right.’

‘I would like their company,’ Bernadette said. ‘You don’t know how I envy your two fine girls like that.’

Pierre thought daughters were all very well, but sons would have done him far better. Bernadette and Raoul, however, had neither a chick nor child to call their own and he acknowledged that that must be hard.

‘All right,’ he said with a sigh. ‘You win. While you are here, Bernadette, Gabrielle will have lighter duties and you may take her out now and again, and Yvette too.’

‘Thank you, Pierre,’ said Bernadette. She thought it was a start at least, and she scurried off to tell the girls the news.

She found Gabrielle fully dressed, but still in the bedroom, sitting on the bed and staring fixedly out of the window. She was so preoccupied that Bernadette stood for a few moments on the threshold and Gabrielle was unaware of her. ‘Gabrielle,’ she said softly and then, as the girl turned towards her, she was staggered by the bleak look in her eyes before she recovered herself and replaced her sadness with a smile of welcome.

Bernadette told her what had transpired between her and Pierre. Even as she did so she wondered if Mariette or Pierre had ever really looked at their elder daughter. It was obvious to her aunt that the girl was burdened over something. Small wonder, Bernadette thought, when she was almost a prisoner in her own home.

Gabrielle wished that she could have confided in her aunt, but much as she loved her and her uncle Raoul, a large and jovial man, she knew she couldn’t. However, she was very pleased at the thought of time away from the shop and outings with her aunt, and she began to get ready while Bernadette went off to find Yvette.

Finn, of course, did not know this, so when the captain dispatched him for bread on Monday morning, he went eagerly. He thought if Gabrielle was alone he might manage a word or two with her at least. However, Gabrielle was nowhere to be seen, and though Finn hung about outside for as long as he dared, eventually he had to buy the captain’s loaves from her mother.

The next day was the same. But returning to the Headquarters, he spotted Gabrielle with her sister and a woman he presumed to be her aunt. They were ambling through the town, laughing and joking together, and looked as if they hadn’t a care in the world, while he felt as if his heart was breaking.

Captain Hamilton took one look at him when he returned and said, ‘Good God, man, what the hell’s the matter with you? You look as if you’ve lost a pound and found a penny.’

‘Yes, sir,’ Finn said. ‘Tell you the truth, sir, I feel a bit like that.’

‘Woman troubles again, I suppose?’

‘Yes, sir.’ Finn said. ‘Sort of, anyway.’

‘Ah, well, no doubt it will resolve itself,’ the captain said. ‘And if it doesn’t, well, you’re not going to be here much longer so it will hardly matter.’

Although Finn had known that the day would come when he would leave St-Omer, he suddenly felt sick to the pit of his stomach. He didn’t expect to be told anything, but he asked, ‘Have you any news of when, sir?’

‘Nothing definite,’ the captain said. ‘I know that some units are moving out by the end of January. You won’t be going then, because you won’t move until we go, but I reckon we will all be left here by the spring.’

He caught sight of the woebegone look on Finn’s face at his words and he laughed. ‘Now what’s up with you?’ he demanded. ‘You knew it was only a matter of time until it came to this. You are here to fight a war, and while a carnal liaison with a young French maid is a great attraction, it must be no more than that for a soldier going to war. You don’t need me to tell you this, do you?’

‘No, sir.’

‘Well then, let’s have no more long faces and heartfelt sighs,’ the captain said. ‘You get on with the job you came to do and in this instance that means brewing me up some tea.’

‘Right away, sir,’ Finn said.

Finn tried, but his heart felt heavy, and at the turn of the year he looked forward to 1916 with no enthusiasm whatsoever.

Bernadette and Raoul were to return to Paris on Monday 3 January.

The day before, as they tucked into their large Sunday dinner after Mass, Bernadette said to Gabrielle, ‘If your parents are agreeable, how would you like to return to Paris with me and your uncle? We would love to have your company for a while.’

‘We would indeed,’ Raoul put in. ‘A pretty young woman about the house is just the thing for chasing away the winter blues.’

‘And you would see all the sights of Paris. What do you say?’

Before she had given her heart to a soldier that she loved and longed to see again with every thread of her being, Gabrielle would have thought she had died and gone to Heaven to receive such an offer, but now it was too late. She couldn’t leave. She honestly thought if she didn’t see Finn soon she would die of a broken heart.

She could see by her father’s heavily furrowed brow and his eyes full of indignation that he was seriously displeased by the bombshell that Bernadette had dropped and before she was able to voice any sort of opinion her father snapped out, ‘I would have thought it good manners, Bernadette, to discuss this with me and ask my permission, before voicing it in front of Gabrielle.’

‘It only occurred to Raoul and me as we walked home from Mass,’ Bernadette said. ‘Mariette had no objection and so I thought I would see what Gabrielle thinks about it. I have so enjoyed her company, and that of Yvette too, this holiday.’

‘And what do you think, my dear?’ Raoul said. ‘You haven’t said a word yet.’

Gabrielle knew that she had to be careful. To refuse this offer point-blank or show the slightest disinclination at all would probably evoke suspicion, as well as hurting the feelings of her aunt and uncle, and so she said carefully, ‘it is awfully kind of you and I would love to do this, but I feel my father would miss me in the shop just now. If my parents are agreeable I could perhaps go to Paris in the spring when the weather will be warmer. By then, Yvette will have left school and can take my place in the shop.’

‘I still don’t want my daughters being trailed across the country,’ Pierre said. ‘They are far better at home and then I rest easier in my bed. You must put this ridiculous notion out of your head.’

Mariette seldom argued with her husband—she was well used to his autocratic ways—but she had seen the disappointment flash across her sister’s face and so she said, ‘I don’t see how you can say the idea’s ridiculous, Pierre. Bernadette and Raoul will look after our daughter as if she was their own. And it would be good for the girl to see more of life before she settles down. I don’t see what harm it will do, though Gabrielle spoke good sense when she said that waiting until the spring would be better.’

Pierre was dumbfounded that his wife had questioned his authority.

‘Is a man not to be master in his own home now?’ he spluttered eventually.

‘Of course,’ Mariette said rather impatiently, ‘and I’m sure if you think this through you will see it is the best solution all round.’

Pierre looked around the table and saw them all ranged against him, though Gabrielle didn’t look as pleased as he thought she would. Maybe she didn’t want to get her hopes up in case he forbade the trip. However, he acknowledged that she was a good girl, she worked hard and had never given them a minute’s bother, and as long as Bernadette and Raoul looked after her like a hawk, he really couldn’t see what he had to worry about.

He thought too that it might bring the bloom back to Gabrielle’s cheeks because she had looked decidedly pasty for days. ‘All right,’ he said at last after the silence had stretched out between them. He looked at Bernadette and Raoul. ‘Gabrielle can visit you in Paris in the springtime and I trust that you will look after her well.’

‘You have my solemn word on that,’ Raoul said, and stood up to shake Pierre’s hand.

Bernadette and Raoul returned to Paris and Gabrielle took her place behind the counter in the shop. Finn was hardly able to believe the evidence of his own eyes when he saw her standing there. He felt as if his heart had actually stopped beating because he had wondered if Gabrielle’s love for him had waned. He approached hesitantly.

‘Hello, Gabrielle,’ he whispered and he raised his eyes and met her love-filled ones. The ache in his heart disappeared and was replaced by joy that seemed to fill every part of him. He needed no further words to know how Gabrielle still felt about him. It was written all over her face.

‘I couldn’t get away sooner,’ Gabrielle said. ‘But my uncle and aunt are gone now and so I could meet you this evening,’

‘Oh, yes, my darling. I can barely wait that long.’

‘Nor I.’ Gabrielle gave a gasp as Finn reached over and took her hands from the counter and kissed her fingers. Shafts of desire ran down her spine and she bit on her lip to suppress the groan.

‘Till tonight, my darling,’ Finn said, and Gabrielle hoped the hours would speed by until she could be in Finn’s arms again.

But they dragged as they do for anyone in such circumstances, and by the time the Joberts sat down to their evening meal, she was on tenterhooks. She was unable to eat, for she wasn’t hungry for food.

‘Are you upset because your aunt and uncle are gone?’ Mariette asked.

‘Not really,’ Gabrielle said.

‘Well, something is wrong with you,’ Pierre said. ‘For you have been unable to settle all day.’

Gabrielle was desperate to get away from her parents and their watchful eyes and so she said, ‘I am just so tired. I’m not used to late hours and I am feeling very weary. I think I will seek my bed before long.’

‘You do right, if that is how you feel,’ Pierre said. ‘Bed is surely the place for tired people, and I will probably do the same thing myself soon.’

Gabrielle, though, wasn’t in the least bit tired. She had never felt more awake. She lay on the bed and tried to wait patiently until it was time to climb down the tree into her beloved’s arms.

‘You’re meeting Finn tonight, aren’t you?’ Yvette said when she came up to bed not long after Gabrielle.

Gabrielle nodded. ‘Is it so obvious?’

‘Yes, it is,’ she said. ‘Even Papa noticed.’

‘I can’t help it,’ Gabrielle said. ‘I haven’t seen Finn alone for ten days.’

Yvette asked, ‘What are you going to do when he leaves, because he can’t stay here for ever?’

‘I truly don’t know,’ Gabrielle said. ‘I suppose I will cope as well as anyone else if I have to.’

Yvette doubted that. She remembered her sister’s behaviour throughout the festive period and that it had been tempered slightly only because of the presence of her aunt and uncle. But it was a problem that Gabrielle had to deal with on her own and so Yvette said nothing more.

As usual, Finn was waiting for her beneath the tree, his arms outstretched, and she snuggled into them. As they kissed Finn felt Gabrielle’s body yielding against his and he felt himself harden as his own desire rose. Eventually he pulled away from her and as they began walking through the alleyways of the town, he knew he would have to be very strong that night—maybe strong enough for both of them if he wanted to protect Gabrielle.

To take his mind off his own emotions he asked her about her uncle and aunt, and their visit.

‘Ooh, it was lovely,’ Gabrielle said. ‘Their visits before were sometimes curtailed because Uncle Raoul was busy running his business in Paris, but he sold that last year. He has a weak heart and said he wasn’t killing himself for a business that would die with him anyway.’

‘Have they no children to hand it on to?’

‘No,’ Gabrielle said. ‘That’s why they think so much of Yvette and me. I do love them very much, but all through their visit all I could think of was how much I was missing you. As I said, Aunt Bernadette said that it was ridiculous for us to be sent to bed at eight thirty, but if my father didn’t insist on that, then I would never have been able to sneak out and see you at all.’

‘No, that’s true enough,’ Finn agreed. ‘The way he goes on, though, is not fair to you. You go nowhere. Even back home in Buncrana, my brother Joe and I used to go to the socials run by the Church on a Saturday evening. Mind you,’ he said, with a rueful grin, ‘I had to fight for the right to do that. Mammy couldn’t believe that I wanted to go when I turned sixteen. But sometimes you have to fight for what you want in this life. I told my young sister the same, for she used to sway like the wind, do whatever Mammy wanted. She stood against her too in the end, because she wanted to be nursemaid to the people in the Big House.’

‘I never defy my father.’ Gabrielle said. ‘I do whatever he wants and so does everyone else in the house.’

‘That worries me a little,’ Finn admitted. ‘You have said that your father wants you to make a good marriage and I am afraid that—’

Gabrielle came to a sudden stop and, facing Finn, took his face between her hands. ‘Listen to me, Finn,’ she said. ‘I love you with all my heart and soul. My life is nothing without you and if I cannot have you then I will have no one.’

‘But if your father—’

‘If I ever felt that I couldn’t stand against my father, then I would go to my aunt and uncle in Paris,’ Gabrielle said. ‘I know they would help me.’

‘I saw you with your aunt in the town a couple of times.’ Finn said. ‘You looked so carefree.’

Gabrielle was a little irritated by what Finn said. ‘How shallow you must think me,’ she answered. ‘That carefreeness was an act I was putting on; to behave any other way would have been unkind to my aunt and uncle, and also would make my parents angry and suspicious.’ She looked at Finn and cried, ‘My throat was so constricted with love of you I could barely eat.’

‘You’re not crying?’ Finn said, appalled.

‘I’m trying not to,’ Gabrielle said brokenly. She gave a sigh and went on, ‘But I’m hurt that you could think so little of me.’

They had reached the farmhouse and Finn kicked the door open and pulled Gabrielle inside.

‘Oh, my darling, I’m so sorry,’ he said, unfastening Gabrielle’s cape as he spoke. He let it fall to the floor as he kissed the tears from her face. He couldn’t believe he had made his beloved cry and he didn’t know how he could make it up to her. He drew her towards the sofa before the fire and lit the lamp. ‘I deserve to be hung, drawn and quartered for upsetting you so,’ he said.

‘You have no reason to distrust me,’ Gabrielle said. ‘My uncle and aunt were all for taking me back to Paris with them. Before I met you I would have loved to go, but all I could envisage were more weeks before I could see you and I knew that I couldn’t have borne that.’

‘How did you get out of it?’

‘I told them that it would be better for me to go in the spring when Yvette has left school and will be able to take my place in the shop.’

‘Captain Hamilton says that we will be gone from here by the spring,’ Finn said. ‘Some are moving out at the end of January, but I’ll not leave until the officers do. So it might be a good thing for you to go to Paris for a while.’

Gabrielle fell as if a tight band was squeezing her heart at the thought that in a few short months Finn would be gone. What was Paris to that?

She knew when he went from here it would be as if he had disappeared from her life, for there was no way that they could communicate, and she knew that that would be really hard for her, for them both; she didn’t imagine that it would be any easier for Finn to bear. She tried to bite back the sob, but Finn heard it and he held her even tighter as she said forlornly, ‘Every moment must count from now, my darling, because these are what I must commit to memory until you come back to claim me.’

Finn too felt a lump in his throat as he bent to kiss Gabrielle, and that kiss unlocked fires of passion in both of them. The poignancy of their situation and the threat of parting so soon—and maybe for years—were in their minds, and Finn felt as though desire was almost consuming him.

Gabrielle made no move to stop him as he kissed her neck and throat. Her sobs turned to little gasps of pleasure as he unbuttoned the bodice of her dress and fondled her breasts. Even when he eased her bloomers from her and slid his hands between her legs while his lips fastened on her nipples she wanted him to go on and on, and do something to still the feelings coursing through her. She wasn’t afraid, because she was with Finn and she knew he would never harm her.

There was a sudden sharp pain as Finn entered her and then the rapturous feeling as they moved together as if they were one person. She felt enveloped in total bliss that rose higher and higher in waves of exquisite joy, so that she cried out again and again.

Eventually their movements slowed and then stopped. Finn slipped off Gabrielle and on to the floor beside her, and she lay back on the sofa in sated satisfaction with her eyes closed.

Suddenly she realised that Finn was crying. ‘My darling! What is it?’

Finn turned a tear-washed face to her. ‘Gabrielle, do you know what we have just done?’

Gabrielle nodded. ‘I’m pretty sure that you have done what you threatened to do to me before.’

‘What was that?’

‘Ravish me,’ Gabrielle said, smiling at Finn, who looked so ashamed of himself.

‘Yes,’ said Finn. ‘Dear God, I deserve horsewhipping. How could I have been so stupid?’

‘Don’t,’ Gabrielle said. ‘It’s the most wonderful experience I have ever had.’

‘You don’t understand,’ Finn said. ‘I wanted to protect you. My feelings for you just overwhelmed me. I am so sorry.’