Mistletoe Mommy

There was no judgment in Mr. Jeffries’s words. Too many people saw Nellie’s childless state and treated her as though she had some kind of defect.

“I cannot have children,” she said quietly. Shame ate at the pit of her stomach at the admission. Her lack of fertility was one of the reasons Ernest had been disappointed in her as a wife. She hadn’t been able to give him the son he’d wanted, and for that he’d made sure she was punished.

Mr. Jeffries slipped his hand into hers. “Then you shall gain three,” he said, giving her hand a squeeze. “Ruby is ten, Amos is seven, and Maeve is two.”

Tears filled Nellie’s eyes. Mr. Jeffries hadn’t hesitated when she admitted her infertility. Though she had spent her whole life wanting nothing more than to be someone’s mother, she’d always considered it a blessing that she and Ernest had never had children. She couldn’t imagine submitting a child to his cruelty.

Some might think her foolish for wanting another husband, considering how Ernest had treated her, but Nellie had to hope that this time she had chosen better. When she’d married Ernest, she hadn’t yet learned to recognize the cruel glint of a man’s eyes that said he cared only for himself. She hadn’t known the reddish tinge to the end of a man’s nose and the sour smell that came with the overfondness of drink. Back then, Nellie loved the flowery phrases used to beguile because she thought them romantic, not realizing that poetry held little truth and deception was easily hidden behind pretty words.

There was comfort in Mr. Jeffries’s frank speech. He held no air of pretense, and there was no sign in him of the kind of man she’d learned to fear. She’d been honest when she’d told Mrs. Heatherington that a woman like her could not get by without the protection of a husband.

Before she’d come to Colorado, she’d found more than her share of challenges simply because she was a woman alone. People wanted to deal with her husband or her father, not a young widow. Marriage offered her the chance to live without having to continually justify her situation.

But as she looked up at Mr. Jeffries and his gentle gaze, she wondered if he’d have much sympathy if he knew her full story. Knew the horror her marriage had been the last few months, and what Ernest had done. One would think that his death would have brought her freedom, but...

Nellie shook her head. She was free now. In a new part of the country, with a new last name, thanks to her soon-to-be husband, they wouldn’t be able to find her. A man’s debts weren’t supposed to pass on to his wife. Then again, most men didn’t sell their wives to cover their debts. Slavery might have been abolished, but it didn’t stop men from making backroom deals to hand over their wives for financial compensation.

Married to a man who’d had no part in the arrangement, Nellie would be protected from them coming after her. She’d run away when Ernest died, but they’d found her at her sister’s and dragged her back to the horrible place they’d been keeping her.

Where she’d seen cruelty in the faces of other men, she saw a kindness in Mr. Jeffries, a gentleness, and a deep sadness at having lost his wife. She didn’t expect him to love her in that way, but knowing that this man had a heart made it seem safer somehow to trust him. Even though there was still so much to learn about him.

Glancing up at Mr. Jeffries, she smiled. “Since we’re to be married, might I trouble you for your name? I heard Mrs. Heatherington refer to you as Mr. Jeffries, but we should discuss what I am to call you.”

“Luke.” He smiled back at her and squeezed her hand. “And I hope you will allow me to call you Nellie.”

“Of course.” She returned his smile, though part of her wished she hadn’t made the effort. Luke had a pleasantness of manner, and the way he looked at her almost made her feel like a schoolgirl.

But she’d long ago lost any of those schoolgirl dreams.

Nellie hated the thought that she needed a man. But the police only shook their heads pityingly and told her they couldn’t help her when she’d gone to them to escape the men who’d bought her.

“Go to your husband or father,” they’d said. What was a woman without either to do? Especially since one of the men Ernest sold her to had claimed he was her father, and at that point no one would listen to her story. A father had the right to do what he wanted with his errant daughter. A husband could force his wife into unspeakable things, and no one would lift a hand to help her. Nellie’s only chance was to find a good man who would give her the protection of his name.

As they crossed the street and headed toward the restaurant Nellie remembered passing on the way here, she stole a glance at Luke. He didn’t seem the sort to hurt a woman. Though Mrs. Heatherington’s words might have provoked a lesser man, he’d remained calm and polite, and Nellie hadn’t seen any signs of a temper.

Still, when she found herself seated across from Luke at a table, she had to wonder whether she could really trust him. He’d been a man looking to get what he wanted; therefore, he’d shown only his most pleasing side.

When the waiter came and poured her a cup of tea, Nellie couldn’t help herself.

“What do you think of the roast beef?” she asked, pointing at the menu but leaning forward enough to spill the tea. All over Luke.

“Oh!” He jumped, but his gaze immediately went to Nellie. “You didn’t burn yourself, did you?”

She stared at him for a moment. She’d spilled the tea on him. On purpose. Well, not so he would know she’d done it on purpose. But when she’d accidentally spilled things at home, Ernest would yell at her, call her obscene names, and sometimes...

Nellie shook her head. “No. I’m terribly sorry. I was so engrossed in the menu, I’d forgotten the tea was there. I didn’t mean to be so careless.”

Kind eyes looked back at her. “Accidents happen. You’ll find, in a house full of children, we have our share of spills.” He dabbed at the mess with his napkin. “And it’s only tea. Easy enough to get out in the wash.”

The waiter rushed over with more tea and napkins.

“I do apologize,” Nellie told him. “I’m usually not so clumsy.”

With a smile, the waiter said, “It’s all right, miss. Happens all the time.”

“That’s just what I was telling her.” Luke sent another warm look her way. “I believe she’s a little nervous, as she’s just accepted my proposal of marriage.”

A broad smile lit up the waiter’s face. “Congratulations to you both.”

“Thank you,” Nellie said, feeling some of the heaviness leave her chest.

As soon as the waiter left, Luke leaned in. “I hope it’s all right that I said that. It occurred to me that you might be nervous about marrying me, which accounts for your accident. I know we’re strangers, but I hope that over the next couple of days, you can get to know me and feel more comfortable with your decision.”

His words already made her feel better about marrying him. After all, Ernest had wooed her with sweet words about her beauty and how much he loved her. Luke was more focused on making her feel at ease with him and the situation. Nellie couldn’t recall a time when Ernest had done the same. Even in public, he would have said something to belittle her.

“I appreciate that,” she said, smiling. “I hope I can do the same for you.”

He nodded slowly. “I just need to know you’ll be good to my children. Love them like your own. Keep the household running smoothly.”

Luke paused, looking around the room before bringing his attention back to her. “And I hope it’s not too much to ask, but I would dearly love a clean house. I hate to speak ill of the dead, but Diana was not much of a housekeeper.”

For a moment, Nellie looked at him, unsure what to make of the twinkle in his blue eyes. “What do you mean by not much of a housekeeper? My late husband was most particular, and I—”

Nellie gave an involuntary shudder, hating the memories that came to her, unbidden.

Luke leaned forward and placed his hands over hers. “We’ll come to an agreement, don’t you worry. I learned to do the dishes Diana left in the sink because she’d gotten carried away with visiting her friends, and I imagine if you can’t do things to my liking, I can do it myself. That’s what marriage is about. Finding ways to compromise and figuring out what’s most important.”

He gave her hands a squeeze, then leaned back in his chair. “The world didn’t end because the dishes didn’t get done in a timely manner. And now that Diana’s gone, I’m grateful her friends got that extra time with her. When you lose someone you love, you figure out that the battle you thought worth fighting shouldn’t have been fought at all. I’d do the dishes every single day if it meant having her back.”

With a slight shake of his head, Luke continued. “No disrespect to you, of course. I’m just saying that you don’t have to bend over backward to please me. All I ask is you do your best, and I promise to do the same for you.”

Tears filled Nellie’s eyes. She’d thought herself immune to a man’s sweet words. But these words held a different kind of sweetness—the hope that not all men were monsters. And perhaps even an answer to all the prayers she’d said on this journey. That she’d find someone who would be kind to her.

Chapter Two

When they’d finished their meal, Luke escorted Nellie across town to the hotel where she’d been staying. Because she was a woman traveling alone, the respectable establishments had turned her away. Too many women of ill repute came under the guise of being a widow. Luke glanced at Nellie as she avoided a puddle. He couldn’t imagine anyone thinking so poorly of her, a genteel woman who’d clearly hit on hard times. The place she’d found was not in the best part of town, and Luke would feel better having her in his own hotel—in separate rooms, of course.

Though their conversation over dinner had turned to easier topics, Luke couldn’t get Nellie’s earlier reactions out of his head. She acted almost afraid, like she thought he might hurt her. He’d answered her questions about the house and the children, his expectations thereof. Almost like a job interview. But not.

Underlying it all was the tension of knowing he would be married to this woman, sharing his life with her. He and Diana had not spoken of these things prior to marriage. They’d flirted, talked about the weather, and when her parents weren’t looking, stolen a few kisses.

In his head, he’d firmly told himself he would not be kissing Nellie McClain. But every once in a while, he found his mind drifting.

Like now. Luke shook his head. “I’m sorry, could you please repeat that? I got distracted.”

“I was asking how you discipline the children.”

Luke followed her gaze to the entrance of a store, where a mother stood, scolding her child harshly. Even at a distance, Luke could see the fury in the woman’s eyes, her face red, as the child practically cowered before her. The little boy looked to be slightly older than his youngest, Maeve, and he seemed too young to have done anything so terrible.

Luke took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He hadn’t given his expectations of discipline much thought, but now that Nellie was asking, he realized he should have. How could he have thought to bring a woman into their lives without knowing how she’d treat them?

“I know conventional wisdom is that to spare the rod is to spoil the child, but I don’t believe in striking a child. I don’t know what that child did, and it’s not my place to judge, so perhaps I shouldn’t say anything, but I prefer to use other methods with my own children.” He glanced in the direction of the mother and child as they continued on their way.

Nellie nodded. “I agree with you on that. Corporal punishment only serves to create fear, and I wish for the children to learn about love.”

Clearly they agreed on parenting, but the tone in Nellie’s voice made Luke wonder if there wasn’t more to her words than what she was saying. Once again, Luke found himself wanting to ask Nellie more personal questions, to learn about this fear that seemed to be lurking underneath. Because she was afraid. What had her husband been like? Something deep inside Luke told him that he’d hurt her. Badly.

“You never said—how did your husband die?”

He watched as Nellie drew in a breath that caused her shoulders to shake slightly. How easily he’d strayed to a personal subject, even though he’d been doing his best not to.

“I’m sorry,” Luke said. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

She shook her head. “It’s all right. If we’re to be married, we should be able to answer one another’s questions.”

Looking as though she had to steel herself for the topic, Nellie straightened. “He was shot in a saloon for cheating at cards.”

What kind of man would do that to his wife? Luke’s stomach churned. “That must have been difficult for you. I’m sorry for your loss.”

“I’m not,” Nellie said quietly. “I didn’t approve of his lifestyle, and it caused me nothing but grief. Which is why I apologize if any of my questions seem impertinent, but had I known certain things about Ernest beforehand, I would have never married him.”

None of the reasons Luke previously had for wanting to marry Nellie seemed to matter now. Next to him was a deeply wounded woman, and his heart cried out for her. He wanted to help her. To heal her. He couldn’t give her his love, no, that would be too much for him. But he would show her that the things she hinted at, the things that lay beneath the surface of every line on her face, they were not true of every man.

“You can ask me all you want. I promise to give honest answers.” Luke sighed. “Though I suppose if your late husband cheated at cards, you probably have no reason to believe me.”

A tiny smile turned the corners of Nellie’s lips. “I’ve gotten good at telling when a man is lying. And I believe you.”

“Thank you.” Luke wasn’t sure why it mattered so much, but it felt good to know Nellie believed him.

“Might I ask how your wife died?”

He should have expected the question, but her words were like a shotgun blast to the chest.

Fighting the nausea that always came when he spoke of it, Luke took a deep breath as he looked at Nellie.

“She was serving with the church ministry to the miners. There was an explosion at the mine, and she was killed by falling rocks.” He shook his head, trying to banish the image of his wife’s lifeless body.

Nellie gave his arm a squeeze. “I’m so sorry for your loss. I heard you say at Mrs. Heatherington’s that you are angry with the church because of her death. I can understand why.”

“Thank you. I shouldn’t be bitter, but it’s hard. And it’s even harder walking through those doors and having everyone try to make up for something that can never be replaced. They say what I suppose are all the right things, but nothing can be said to erase the pain in my heart. All their words about God’s love—if God loved us so much, why would He have taken her from us?”

His voice shook as it always did when he spoke of Diana’s death, and Luke looked away, but Nellie held his arm tight. Hopefully she wouldn’t question him further on the topic or try to convince him that he needed to let go of his grief. People didn’t understand. He couldn’t... He just couldn’t.

It seemed wrong to talk about his late wife to the woman who would soon be his next wife. Especially when he knew that he would never be able to share the kind of love with Nellie that he had once had with Diana.

Even now, he couldn’t help but hate himself a little at the thought of marrying so soon after Diana’s death. It seemed an insult to her memory. But what other choice did he have?

Nellie gave his arm another squeeze. He was grateful for the convention of her taking his arm to be escorted through town, even if she held him a little too tight to be acceptable. Though he normally didn’t enjoy the comfort others offered, the genuine compassion Nellie showed him felt almost like a lifeline.

“Grief is a personal thing,” she said. “You need to mourn your wife in the way that is best for you. Sometimes I feel guilty for not mourning my husband, but that is my burden. I respect your need to deal with your wife’s death in your own way.”

He turned his attention back to her, noticing the tenderness in her eyes. Her response confirmed his belief that marrying Nellie was the right thing to do. Luke was tired of everyone telling him how to act after his loss. None of them knew what he was feeling. Even Pastor Lassiter, who had lost his own wife years ago, could not possibly understand the unbearable weight in Luke’s heart. Nellie was the first person who didn’t pretend to know what he was going through.

“Thank you,” he said. “I appreciate your understanding. I won’t ask the details of your marriage. I suspect you were not as blessed as I was, and for that I am truly sorry. Your late husband was a fool. Which is a pity, because even in the brief time I have known you, I can see that you are a wise and loving woman who deserved better.”

Luke placed his free hand over hers and gave her a squeeze. It felt nice to have another loving human touch that asked nothing of him and only sought to give.

A hint of pink tinged her cheeks, and she looked away briefly.

“Don’t do that,” Luke said. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I know there is not love between us, at least not the romantic kind. But even now, I care for you as a friend. As your friend, I don’t judge you for your lack of grief. Instead, I praise you for finding the strength to carry on and being willing to open your heart to me and my family.”

With a gentle smile, Nellie turned her attention back to him. “I consider you a friend, as well. Thank you for understanding my situation and being willing to accept what I have to give.”

“No thanks are needed. After all, you are doing me just as great a service. I believe we will get on together well.”

* * *

If Nellie needed any other convincing that marrying Luke was the right thing to do, this conversation had done the trick. He was a man with a good, loving heart. Luke deeply grieved his wife, and for that Nellie was thankful. It seemed odd to be thankful for a man’s grief, but it was an indication that he cared for others. What Nellie needed most was someone with strong compassion, someone who had the capability to love.

Not that Nellie desired love for herself, but if a man could love, he could be kind. In fact, it was a relief to know that Luke had buried his heart with his wife. He’d already loved someone, which meant he wouldn’t be falling in love with Nellie, and there would be no danger of her falling in love with him. A perfect match.

Or at least as perfect as Nellie could expect from a stranger. She could hear her mother’s voice in the back of her head, cautioning her that a man who didn’t love the Lord with all his heart was no man at all. But what did she know of Luke’s heart? Or of any man’s heart, for that matter? In the early years of their marriage, Ernest had been a churchgoing man, respected in their community. It wasn’t until the drinking and gambling had gotten out of hand that things started falling apart.

She should count it a blessing that Luke was honest about his relationship with God.

If only it wasn’t for the sinking feeling in her stomach telling her she shouldn’t settle for so little.

Nellie fought the urge to laugh at such ridiculousness. So little? She’d been offered the world with her first marriage. Everyone thought she’d done so well in marrying Ernest McClain. Look where that had gotten her.

Which left her here, walking through town with a stranger willing to marry her, because like Nellie, he was out of options. And as if Nellie needed any other reminders, they walked past a house of ill repute. Though it was too cold out for the ladies to be sitting on the porch, beckoning men to sample their wares, it was obvious they were inside, waiting.

Nellie shuddered. She’d been kept in a place like that. And she was never going back.

Luke pulled her closer to him. “I’m sorry we have to go past those places. You’ll find we have similar parts of town in Leadville, but our home is in a decent area where you won’t be bothered by the likes of them.”

Closing her eyes briefly, Nellie sent a silent prayer, thanking God for a husband who wanted a marriage in name only, but also asking Him to help keep her secret. She hadn’t been in that place willingly, but most people didn’t seem to understand that.

“On to more pleasant things,” Luke said, patting her hand. “How do you envision our wedding?”

As Nellie smiled back, she was grateful for the way Luke took her feelings into consideration. Though her late mother would have argued that Luke’s estrangement from the church was a large matter, each of these small kindnesses he continued showing her added up to be far more than any measurement Nellie could have given. Even before things got bad, Ernest had never been so considerate of Nellie. Her world had revolved around pleasing him—or facing the consequences.

Just because Luke struggled with his faith didn’t mean Nellie had to give up hers. Besides, it wasn’t as though she’d been a regular churchgoer herself. Ernest had forbidden her from going after they threw him out for showing up to service drunk, and Nellie had learned to observe her faith in her own quiet way.

Nothing would change in her faith if she married Luke.

Except she’d promised herself that when she finally found freedom, she’d throw herself into a church community and participate in every activity that had been denied her so long.

Would he make her break that promise?

“You do still want to marry me,” Luke said, looking down at her, “don’t you?”

Nellie met his gaze. “Of course I do. I was just thinking...”

Did she dare ask him about her reservations? They’d talked about everything else, and her faith was no small thing.

But she’d seen the flash in his eyes when he spoke of his anger at God. Everything else she’d done to test his character, to see if she could push him into the kind of rage she’d seen in Ernest...was it all to be for nothing if she didn’t pursue his potentially negative feelings now?

“I was just thinking about God. And church,” Nellie said firmly, looking him in the eye. They had paused in front of a church, and Nellie took that as a sign that they needed to have this conversation.

Luke didn’t flinch. “You’re worried my anger at God would prevent you from going?”

Nellie seemed hardly able to draw a breath. It was as though he could read her thoughts.

She nodded slowly, her eyes searching his, looking for a hint of the rage she so feared. Had she provoked him this time? Better now than after the wedding, when she wouldn’t be able to undo her mistake.

If marrying Luke was a mistake, she’d figure that out before they went through with it. Never again would she endure the pain she’d suffered during her marriage to Ernest. The coins she’d sewn in the waistband of her skirt and hidden in the toe of her shoe didn’t amount to much, but it would give her enough. Nellie had learned a few tricks of her own from Earnest’s vile friends. Never put all your coins in one place. She would always be able to escape.

If Luke revealed a temper, best to end things now.

“My quarrel is with God alone,” Luke said slowly. “I do not fault others for not sharing my anger. I would not ask anyone to bear the burden I carry. You’re free to worship as you choose.” His face darkened slightly as he took a deep breath. “Though I would ask it not include me. Save your sermons and conversion speeches for those who need it. I am not among them.”

As Nellie searched his expression, she could find no hint of violence, no sign that he would hurt her if she disobeyed him.

“All right,” she said quietly. “I can agree to that.”

Luke let out a long sigh as he turned toward the church. “I suppose you’ll want a church wedding.”

“No,” Nellie said. “I would be happy visiting a justice of the peace. But there is your family to consider. What would be best for them?”