Decidedly Married

But Julie missed having her daughter beside her, their arms touching lightly as they shared a Bible during the Scripture reading; she missed hearing Katie’s light, clear soprano when the congregation sang hymns and praise choruses.

But it wasn’t just Katie she missed. Something else was lacking, too. Julie couldn’t quite put her finger on it. Often when she left church she felt the same inexplicable sadness she felt after hanging up the phone with her father, as if she had gone through the motions but hadn’t quite connected.

Where was God during church? Why did she always feel as if she were worshiping Him from afar? Surely if she were going to feel close to Him, it should be here.

Perhaps if I were worshiping God in some glorious, centuries-old cathedral in Europe, something wonderfully Gothic or Byzantine, like I studied in art history, I would feel God’s presence. How different that would be from these modern, sterile, utilitarian church buildings.

Bethany Chapel was typical of so many in Southern California these days. The structure was fairly new, still smelled new, in fact—a sprawling stucco building, attractive in a spare, serviceable sort of way, but nothing like those exquisite European cathedrals, nor even like the little country church Julie had gone to growing up.

Her childhood church had possessed lovely stained-glass windows showing Jesus the Good Shepherd and Jesus with His disciples at the Last Supper. It was a quaint, picture-postcard church complete with a steeple and belfry. In sharp contrast, Bethany Chapel’s huge all-purpose auditorium served as both sanctuary and gymnasium, and from the outside it could be mistaken for a school or even an office building Still, it was better than the public school gymnasium they had met in for years until the money was raised to build their own facility.

Julie felt a stab of guilt as Pastor Brady fleetingly met her gaze from the pulpit. He was a genteel, middle-aged man with a witty, urbane manner, impeccable taste and flawlessly styled graying hair. He had a way of looking right through you so you were convinced he had crafted his sermon just for you. He was looking at Julie that way now. Did he realize her mind was wandering? She relaxed a little as he cleared his throat and moved his discerning eyes over the rest of the congregation. What had he said? Was he waiting for some response? Shamefacedly she realized he was halfway through his sermon and she hadn’t heard a word.

In his sonorous tone he was saying, “We are going to look today at God’s most significant commands to His children. These verses are found several times in both the Old and New Testaments. That shows us how vitally important God considers these instructions…”

But even as her fingers moved automatically through the rustling, tissue-thin pages to the Gospel of Mark, Julie’s thoughts turned inward again, meandering, traveling to a far corner of her consciousness. She was facing an inner crisis, something she couldn’t even articulate, but it had been building for days. A dark, ominous cloud had settled over her soul; the darkness encompassed Michael and Katie, her father, and even a woman named Beth and a boy named Jesse. With her mind whirling in such a maelstrom, how could Julie sit quietly and listen to mere words, even from a man of God?

And there was more.

After all these years I still sit here feeling anonymous, wearing a mask, pretending. I’ve seen these same people for years and yet never gotten to know them well. We go through the same routine every Sunday—entering the vestibule, smiling and saying hello, exchanging brief pleasantries, then sitting down, singing, praying, listening, getting up, going out and wishing one another a nice day or a good week. But we never go beyond the surface of one another’s lives.

With a start, Julie realized something else. God forgive me, I maintain the same facade with You, Heavenly Father—dutifully praying or reading a few verses, my time with You sandwiched among myriad other demanding activities. What does it mean? Who do I think I’m fooling?

From a distance she heard Pastor Brady raise his voice and declare with a solemn authority, “‘And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strength. This is the first commandment.’”

I love you, Lord—surely I do, Julie reflected with a twinge of conscience. Isn’t that one of the givens of life, one of the things we just assume? But I admit I don’t know You very well. Dear God, sometimes I wonder if I know You at all, or do I only think I know You?

Pastor Brady was still reading. “’And the second, like it, is this: you shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.’”

Pastor Brady paused for a long moment, allowing his words to take root. Then he went on in his smooth baritone, “Dear friends, how well do we even know God and one another? Have we cut God down to our size to fit conveniently into our priorities, our time restraints, our selfish desires? Sadly, many of us have hardly scratched the surface of knowing and loving God and one another. Because of our own blindness and indifference, we are destined to remain strangers all of our lives—strangers with God, strangers with one another.”

He’s talking about me! Julie realized. She felt as if someone had gripped her shoulders and shaken her like a child. He’s describing me. That’s exactly how I am. That’s my life!

Every relationship I have is superficial, transitory, with little meaning. I have no connections with anyone, nothing that allows me to vent the raw, unedited emotions I feel. I have no one with whom I can be totally myself. Was I ever truly myself with Michael? Or have we always worn the masks we thought the other wanted to see? Do I know Michael at all? Do I know Katie?

Startling her out of her reverie, Michael leaned over and whispered, “Are you okay, Julie? You look a little pale.”

“I’m fine!” she told him, but she said it with such force that several people in the pew ahead glanced around curiously.

“I’m fine,” she said again, licking her dry lips.

But she wasn’t fine. Her mind was going a mile a minute, dredging up alarming thoughts and painful insights in a random, pell-mell rush.

After all these years, how can we be such strangers to one another? How can you live in the same house with someone, the same little collection of rooms, the same walls and windows and furnishings and pictures—and not know someone? How can you live together in the routine of daily life and remain strangers? How can you live together for years and hardly scratch the surface of who they are, and have no idea what they think or how they feel?

Another thought was just as dismaying.

If Pastor Brady is right, I’ve spent my whole life living among strangers. I knew my mother—thought I knew her, but did I really? How well have I known anyone in my life—my father, my husband, my daughter, and yes, even God? Have I even bothered to try?

Or have I accepted superficial relationships because they’re easier, because they demand nothing of me? I’ve struggled to understand myself and I’m still light-years away from knowing who I am, what I feel and what I want. How can I know others if I’m not even sure about myself? What can I do to reach across the barriers and feel the texture and grain of another living soul?

And what if no one wants to let me in? she wondered darkly. What if remaining pleasant strangers is all anyone really wants of another person? What if everyone else is as protective of their private world as I am of mine? How do I start breaking down barriers and getting inside where someone else lives?

Is it possible others have been trying to break down my barriers, and I’ve never noticed? Michael? Even Katie? Have I been as impervious to the invasions of others into my life as my father has been? In the name of heaven, am I just like him?

The questions were overwhelming, terrifying, shattering. But before Julie could even begin to explore the answers, her attention was drawn back suddenly to Pastor Brady. He was saying, “Are you listening to me, my friends? This is important. This hits at the crux of all our lives.”

Julie gave the sagacious man in the pulpit her full attention. He had touched a raw nerve and she needed to know what healing balm he was going to offer.

“My friends,” he said, his deep, resonant voice growing buoyant with hope, “I challenge each of you to let yourself fall in love with Jesus…get to know Him as you would your most intimate friend. Make Him a vital part of your daily life. Don’t leave Him in the pages of your Bible or in the walls of your church. Let Him come alive in your heart. Let His Spirit breathe and speak in the hidden rooms of your mind. Let Him move in you and change the very landscape of your soul.”

Chapter Six

At the barbecue that afternoon Julie couldn’t get Pastor Brady’s words out of her mind She thought about them as she marinated the steaks for the grill, as she boiled potatoes and eggs for the potato salad…and as she stirred catsup into the baked beans and made frosty pitchers of pink lemonade. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength…” But how did one love God that way? It was a mystery. Beyond Julie’s comprehension. “Fall in love with Jesus…let Him change the very landscape of your soul…”

But how? It sounded so perfect, but so unattainable. Could such love really change her? Change the very landscape of her soul? Would she be different if she let God into the hidden rooms of her heart? She already believed in Him. Wasn’t that enough?

And just as puzzling and paradoxical was God’s command to love your neighbor as yourself. It was a cliché, a vague and irrational idea. Did it mean the intimate circle of one’s life—one’s family and friends—or everyone she came in contact with? The admonition seemed overwhelming, paralyzing. How did one love like that?

Certainly Julie had no energy or motivation to think about loving people beyond her own family. She wasn’t even sure she loved her husband and daughter the way God intended. Her emotions changed so often and were colored by disappointment, exhaustion and irritability. Love was mingled with so many other feelings.

Julie had supposed she would feel more loving and hopeful after the pastor’s message this morning, but instead, she felt fretful, peevish, overwrought. In fact, at the moment she was having a hard time being civil to Katie’s boyfriend as he draped his arm over Katie’s shoulders at the family barbecue.

“Katie, I could use your help in the kitchen,” Julie snapped, her eyes narrowing on Jesse.

He must have got the message, because he released Katie and stepped back, looking sheepish. His long brown hair was tied back in a ponytail and the afternoon sun glinted off his gold earring. He was wearing his usual T-shirt and baggy trousers and those ugly steel-toed army boots. How can girls these days find such sloppy attire attractive? Julie wondered, as she strode into the house, her pulse racing.

Katie followed several steps behind, moping, dragging her feet. In the kitchen she leaned against the wall and crossed her arms, her eyes reproachful, her glossy red lips pursed petulantly. She was wearing shorts and a tank top that revealed too much of her budding figure. “Okay, Mom, what do you want me to do?” she asked, more a challenge than a question.

“To start with,” said Julie, “you can tell Jesse to stop pawing you like some lovesick Romeo.”

Katie straightened her slender frame and jutted out her chin. “He wasn’t pawing me, Mom. He’s just affectionate. Is there anything wrong with that?”

“If he’s like this in public, what do you two do in private?”

Katie’s mouth curled mockingly. “Nothing you wouldn’t do, Mom.”

Julie raised her hand reflexively, but stopped herself just short of slapping Katie’s cheek. “That’s enough, young lady. If you want to entertain your boyfriend in this house, you’d better show some respect”

“You didn’t invite Jesse over. Dad did!”

“That doesn’t matter. He’s here, and I’m trying to make the best of it. I could use a little help from you.”

“I know you don’t like him,” said Katie. “He knows it, too.”

Julie sighed. This wasn’t going the way she had intended. “I just don’t think he’s right for you, Katie. Don’t you understand? I’m concerned because I care about you.”

“If you care about me so much, be nice to my friends. Treat Jesse like a person, not like some mongrel dog you can’t wait to shoo out of the yard.”

“Believe me, I’m trying to be nice to Jesse, but you two don’t make it easy.” Julie handed Katie the platter of marinated steaks. “Take these out to your dad, will you? Then come back and help me carry the rest of the food out to the picnic table.”

Balancing the tray, Katie pushed open the screen door with her shoulder and edged out onto the porch. “Jesse and I will both come back and carry out the food.”

Julie closed her eyes for a long minute and whispered, “Help me, God. You tell me to love others, but sometimes I have a hard time even liking them!”

Considering Julie’s jarring confrontation with Katie in the kitchen, the meal itself went surprisingly well. Michael was in wonderful spirits as he barbecued the steaks. He told one joke after another and even persuaded a reticent Jesse to do several of his impressions of popular comedians and public figures. He was actually quite good, and Katie was obviously enraptured by both men.

Julie had to admit she was feeling better, too, less stressed out, more optimistic Maybe she had been unfair to Jesse, judging him too quickly, condemning his relationship with Katie. Maybe there was nothing to it. Maybe it was a passing fling, one of those teenage romances that were here today, gone tomorrow. Perhaps if she bided her time and kept her doubts to herself, Katie would tire of this ragamuffin, streetwise kid and find some college-bound young man of her caliber.

Julie watched Jesse as he consumed his third helping of steak and potato salad. His manners were adequate, but he ate like there was no tomorrow. Didn’t his family feed him at home? But who were his family? That’s right, Julie remembered. He had told her his parents were dead; he lived with his grandmother.

When Julie brought out a huge strawberry shortcake brimming with whipped cream, Jesse’s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. She gave him an especially large helping and felt a ripple of gratification when he thanked her profusely. Even Katie looked pleased by Julie’s spontaneous generosity. “It’s great, Mom,” she said. “Totally great”

“You can have all you want,” said Julie, “as long as you promise to help with the dishes.”

“We’ll both help,” offered Jesse.

“It’ll be a cinch,” Katie told him. “We just rinse them off and load them in the dishwasher.”

Jesse grinned. “At my house, I’m the dishwasher.”

“You must be quite a help to your grandmother,” said Julie.

Jesse nodded. “I’m all she’s got, except for my little brother, Scout, but he’s just a kid, you know?”

“I’m sure you must try to be a good example to him and keep him out of trouble.” Julie really meant, Please reassure me you stay out of trouble, for Katie’s sake!

“I try to keep Scout on the right track,” said Jesse, “but sometimes trouble has a way of finding him.”

Katie hugged Jesse’s arm possessively. “Come on, Jes. Let’s go do those dishes. Then maybe we can take a swim.”

Jesse’s eyes moved to the oval swimming pool several yards beyond the picnic table. “That’s cool, babe. That’s one radical pool!”

“If you forgot your trunks, you can borrow a pair of mine,” said Michael as he scraped the grill. The pungent, charcoal smell filled the air.

“Thanks,” said Jesse. “I don’t swim much. Too busy working.”

Michael set his blackened barbecue utensils on the cedar picnic table, grabbed a terry cloth towel and wiped the charcoal smudges from his hands. “Well, Jesse, if you ever want to earn some extra money, I could use some help.”

“Working on your car?”

“No, on a house I’m renovating. It’s my hobby. I buy old fixer-uppers and fix them up.”

“Sounds like a lot of work,” said Jesse.

Michael tossed the towel on the table and sat down on a corner of the narrow cedar bench beside Julie. “It is a lot of work, but I like it. I’ve turned some real losers into beauties, haven’t I, Julie?”

She waved a fly away from the half-eaten potato salad. “Yes, Michael, you’ve worked miracles,” she said wearily. “Some of those places I wouldn’t have touched with a ten-foot pole.”

“And I sold them for good money, didn’t I, Jewel? I even surprised you, didn’t I?”

She nodded reluctantly. She hated in any way encouraging or validating Michael’s obsession with old houses. Over the years he had spent countless hours tearing out old drywall, shoring up broken beams, painting, plastering and fixing leaky plumbing in dilapidated ruins a more timid soul would have bulldozed on the spot.

“Sure, I’d be glad to help you sometime,” said Jesse, “but I don’t know much about construction.”

“That’s okay. I’ll teach you what you need to know. I have a feeling you’ll be a natural.”

Katie tugged on Jesse’s arm. “If we’re going swimming after a while, we’d better hit the dishes now.”

As Katie and Jesse carried dirty dishes into the house, Michael moved over closer to Julie and pulled her against him. His tanned face and arms glistened with a sheen of perspiration; she could smell a mixture of charbroiled tenderloin and spicy aftershave on his skin. She felt a ripple of pleasure at his closeness, even here with the two of them squeezed together at this rough-hewn picnic table. He murmured against her ear, “It’s been a nice barbecue, hasn’t it, sweetheart?”

“Very nice,” she agreed. No sense telling him about the earlier clash with Katie in the kitchen. After all, she and Katie had apparently worked out an unspoken truce and all seemed forgiven. As long as I’m nice to Jesse, we’ll all get along.

“You don’t sound very convincing,” said Michael. “Are you still worried about Katie getting too involved with this boy?”

“Aren’t you, Michael?”

“He seems nice enough.”

“We don’t know anything about him.”

“He seems crazy about Katie.”

“That’s what worries me. Where are they headed? She has a wonderful future. I just hope he doesn’t mess it up for her.”

Michael’s blue eyes darkened. “Like I did with you?”

She pulled away and stared at him. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it!”

“It’s what I heard,” he replied, releasing her. He moved off the bench and began gathering the last of the dishes and utensils. She stood and helped him, but they both worked in an uncomfortable silence, until she heard the shrill ring of a phone nearby.

Michael reached into the pocket of his sport shirt and pulled out his cellular phone; he carried it with him everywhere. Julie was surprised he didn’t take it with him to bed. She hated that phone; it was like an umbilical cord connecting him forever to his work. It meant interrupted plans, broken dates, shortchanged family times.

Julie heard Michael say, “Oh, really? They’re in town just for today? Right, the Emerson place would suit them very well. Yes, I have all the stats. It’s a custom home with a spacious floor plan on over an acre of land. Vaulted ceilings, skylights, French doors, a bonus room, island kitchen, fireplace in the master suite, huge balcony…Right. A swimming pool, spa, gazebo, circular drive, the works.”

Excitement glinted in Michael’s eyes as he rushed on. “It’s an amazing property with the perfect price for just the right buyer—someone with loads of money to spend. So you think these people fill the bill? That eager, huh? Sure, I could meet you there. Give me a half hour.”

Michael pressed the Call button and slipped the slim phone back into his pocket, then gave Julie an apologetic smile. “Business,” he said. “I’m sorry, hon. I’ve got to go.”

“A big deal to close?” she inquired coldly.

“It could be.”

“And this person on the phone couldn’t handle it without you?”

“You said it, Jewel. It’s a big deal, lots of money involved. I own Ryan and Associates. The client wants the benefit of my experience and expertise in the negotiations.”

“Who was on the phone?” asked Julie, her tone vitriolic.

Michael was already striding toward the house. “Does it matter?”

“It matters to me.”

“It was just one of our agents.”

“Who?”

“The new one, for crying out loud!”

“That woman you just brought in? Beth somebody? Is that who you’re meeting?”

Michael looked back at her, his eyes flashing exasperation. “Yes, I’m meeting Beth Chamberlin. So what? Give me a break, Jewel. You know I need to work on Sundays sometimes. Stop acting like it’s the end of the world!”

Chapter Seven

Julie was living on a high-tension wire, or at least that’s how she felt in the days that followed the Sunday barbecue. She was walking a tightrope between desiring to demonstrate godly, unconditional love to her family and at the same time wanting to strike out at them in anger for falling so far short of her expectations.

Perhaps she was most disappointed with herself, for she knew there was nothing within her that resembled the sort of love her pastor had described. What was wrong with her that she couldn’t summon that kind of love for the people she was most closely connected to—her husband, her daughter, her father? They were all linked by marriage or by blood, and yet sometimes she didn’t feel connected, not emotionally, not the way she should feel. She felt bound, tied, trapped at times, as if the yoke were too great, the responsibilities too heavy.

At times Julie wondered why God would even bother to tell His children to love Him and others so profoundly, in the gritty real world of flawed human hearts? Even the thought of trying to measure up to God’s standards left Julie feeling more discouraged than before. Perhaps that was why she so seldom scratched the surface of her faith; she knew she would be depressed by what she found.

And surely God understood that her life was too busy, too demanding, too overwhelming to worry about issues that apparently had no answers. After all, her daily routine was exhausting. Long hours at the office were consumed with idle, tedious, mindnumbing work; evenings at home were filled with cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills and collapsing before the television set for an hour of video pablum before bed.

Katie was rarely home these days, choosing to spend her evenings at the library—pray to God that’s where she was!—or out somewhere with Jesse. Many evenings she came home late, too late, leaving Julie dreading an accident as she anxiously watched the clock and listened for the sound of a car or the ringing of the phone.

Michael, too, was seldom home, his evenings filled with appointments to show houses when he wasn’t off renovating one of his own squalid fixer-uppers.

Julie had a feeling many of Michael’s so-called appointments involved Beth; whether professionally or personally, she couldn’t be sure. But several times when Julie played her answering machine she heard messages from Beth telling Michael she would meet him at this or that property at such and such a time. It all sounded so innocent Was it? Or were the two of them playing the scam of the century on Julie?

Why don’t you just come right out and ask him about Beth? she asked herself over and over. She knew she should; surely she couldn’t continue on like this, living with these terrible suspicions, not knowing whether she still had a marriage. But as difficult as it was living with the uncertainties, the truth might be even more painful. If Michael admitted he was having an affair, what then? A whole new series of choices would confront Julie. Should she forgive him? Would he want to be forgiven? Or would he want a divorce? And would she give him one?