Hero At Large

Carla let out a joyful squeal and headed to the kitchenette.

“What about you, Jackie?” Rennie asked.

“Hey, yeah. Carla, bring me an orange, will ya?”

Rennie sighed. Normally she loved the apartment-style setup of her office. The comfortable sofas and overstuffed chairs usually helped her clients feel more relaxed. But there were times when the unconventional surroundings worked against her.

In the beginning, Rennie had met with each woman individually, trying to work through the worst of their problems. Once their lives began to turn around, she brought them together, hoping the women could benefit from a support system of their peers.

The group had been meeting twice a week for a little over a month, and it had been working quite well. Much of the time, Rennie could guide the discussion and then allow the other women to offer guidance and support to whoever was having a problem at the moment. As an added bonus, the women were becoming real friends. Most days, this was a good thing.

But, on days like today, it could be a problem. Combine their chatty mood with the cozy living room setup, and trying to get any genuine feedback this late on a Friday was nearly impossible. Under normal circumstances, Rennie knew just how to keep the women on track, but right now even she was having trouble focusing.

No matter where her thoughts traveled, they always came fluttering back to Gray. She wanted to kick herself every time she remembered the disastrous conversation she’d had with him—

Rennie’s head jerked up as a pair of fingers snapped in front of her face. Sarita backed up and sank into her recliner. “Welcome back, Rennie. Did you have a good trip?”

Heat suffused her cheeks as Rennie realized she’d been caught daydreaming. She tried to play it off. “So, have you all decided what you’d like to discuss today?”

Moni nodded. “Yeah, I’d like to know what’s up with you. First of all, you never let us get away with chitchat for more than fifteen minutes. Today you let us talk for almost half an hour.”

“Plus,” Jackie added. “You’ve been staring off into space all day. What’s on your mind?”

“It’s got to be a man,” Carla said. “When a woman has problems, it’s always a man.” She was the only married member of the group, and ironically the only one who didn’t want to be.

Rennie shook her head. “This is not about me. We’re supposed to be talking about the issues that the four of you are dealing with.”

Sarita grinned. “Well, Miss Thang, thanks to you, all of us are doing just fine right now. Looks like you’re the one with a lot of junk on your mind. Are you too good to let us psychoanalyze you for a change?”

“Yeah.” Carla cheered, taking a long swig of her diet soda.

Rennie’s first instinct was to protest. It wasn’t her place to take up group time with her personal problems. But, as she looked at the expectant faces of the woman surrounding her, she began to think twice.

After some rocky months, they had all learned to open up to her and to each other. This was an environment of safety and trust that they’d created together. If Rennie chose to back off now, they might very well come to the conclusion that their trust had been misplaced.

“Okay, you win. It’s not a big deal, but I do have something on my mind that I have mixed feelings about.”

“Lay it on us, Rennie. We’re all getting pretty good at this psychology stuff,” Jackie said, sharing one section of her orange with Moni.

“All right. I ran into an old flame yesterday.”

“Where?” Sarita asked. “At the club last night?”

Rennie nodded. “He caught me off guard, because I hadn’t seen him since I moved to Texas to go to college several years ago.”

“I see,” Jackie said, putting on a dramatically serious face. “And what happened then?” The woman winked as if to say, “See, I can do this.”

“We talked for a few minutes, but the conversation went nowhere. To make a long story short, the last few years haven’t gone as well for him as they have for me.”

“I see,” Jackie said, tapping her chin with her index finger. “How did seeing him again make you feel?”

“How did it make me feel?” Rennie shook her head. There was no easy answer to that question. First, his soft, melting smile had thrilled her heart, then the hard shards of ice in his eyes had broken it. “Strange. I said all the wrong things, and he’s been on my mind ever since.”

“Has he been on your mind because you didn’t like what you said to him or because you still feel some attraction to him?”

Rennie adjusted the collar of her shirt. Suddenly, it felt a bit constricting. “Both.”

“So what do you think is going to make you feel better about this situation?” Jackie asked, turning Rennie’s favorite phrase around on her.

“Well, for one thing, I want to apologize to him for the way our last meeting went. He’s had some tough times, and I’m sure he thought I was judging him. We’d been close once, and I’d like the chance to be more supportive.”

“And the chance to see if there are any sparks left?” Moni asked with a hopeful grin.

“I don’t know. He may not be available anymore. There’s been so much time between us, and we’ve both changed so much. I’m not even sure we still have anything in common.”

“So, what I hear you saying is that you want to see him again, but you’re not sure if he’s still single. If he is, are you interested?”

Rennie squirmed in her seat. They were digging a little deeper than she was ready to go right now.

“Ha,” Carla shouted. “It’s not so easy in the hot seat, is it?”

Rennie laughed. “I must say, you guys are pretty good at this. I guess I should be flattered that you all were actually paying attention in our sessions.”

Jackie looked at the clock. “We’re almost out of time, but that doesn’t mean you can wiggle out of the question. If your guy is available, would you be interested?”

Rennie shrugged. “I can’t answer that right now.”

“Okay, then what are your next steps?” Jackie had really gotten into her role. The words seemed to fall naturally from her lips.

“Find him and apologize, then I’ll see exactly what’s what.”

“Perfect,” Sarita said. “We’ll follow up next week.”

“No, next week I want to hear from every one of you. I let you off the hook this time, but next session we’re getting back to business.”

That afternoon, Gray got into his car and started driving. Before he realized where he was going, he found himself in front of the old building where Rennie worked.

Should he go inside? Her counseling sessions were for women only. No doubt he’d look conspicuous if he walked in. On the other hand, he probably didn’t look any less conspicuous hovering around outside.

Before Gray could make a decision one way or the other, the matter was taken out of his hands. Rennie walked out of the front door. When she saw him standing there, she paused on the steps as if she’d seen a ghost.

Then she was moving again, her pace faster as she strode purposefully toward him. “Hi.” Her voice was breathy when she finally stopped before him.

“Hi, Rennie. Before you ask me what I’m doing here, let me start off by telling you right up front that I don’t know. I got in my car and the next thing I knew I was here.”

She nodded, staring at her feet before finally lifting her gaze to meet his. “This is so strange. Lately, it seems all I have to do is think about you, and you appear.”

He released the breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. Gray didn’t know what he’d been expecting, but their reunion last night had seemed…well, bittersweet. In the bright light of day, or rather the dimming light of evening, she could have easily turned him away.

This was the last place he should be. Looking up an old flame had nothing to do with the job he’d come back to do. In fact, it could only get in the way.

“You’ve been on my mind, too. I didn’t like the way we left things.”

She bit her lip. “Um, is there somewhere we can go to talk? To catch up? I think I gave you the wrong impression last night…about your past. I’m not judging you—”

“Where do you want to go?” What was he doing? It wasn’t too late to walk away.

But he stayed rooted to the spot, watching her face. He could stare at her face for hours. Periodically over the years, he’d wondered what kind of woman she’d become, and his imagination hadn’t done her justice.

Her cheekbones, which had been round and full in youth, now arched high with the grace and beauty of maturity. Her skin was still as clear and perfect as it had always been, showcasing her pretty brown eyes and full berry-colored lips. Watching those lips, Gray couldn’t help thinking about kissing them.

Rennie shifted her weight from foot to foot as if she were waging an internal debate. She still had the telltale habit of tapping her fingers on her thigh when she was conflicted.

“Rennie, we can do this another time,” Gray said, trying to give her an out. It probably wasn’t a good idea, anyway.

His voice seemed to bring her to a decision. “No, um, I really want to talk. Otherwise, I’ll keep thinking about you—” She stopped abruptly and shook her head. “Not that there’s anything wrong with thinking about you. That’s not what I meant…”

Gray laughed. “I know what you meant.” Last night, he’d mistaken her fluster for fear. It was a relief to know that she didn’t think he was some kind of monster.

“Would you like to come back to my apartment? This isn’t a come-on or anything. It’s just that restaurants are noisy, and there isn’t a lot of privacy with the waiters coming back and forth. My refrigerator isn’t exactly fully stocked, but I’m sure we could scrape something up. I just don’t want you to think—”

He reached out to touch the hand rapidly drumming on her leg, to halt both her fidgeting and her anxious ramble. “I’m not going to get any ideas. I promise. We’ll just talk, okay?”

She nodded, clearly relieved. “Do you want to follow me? My apartment isn’t far.”

As Gray followed Rennie’s lime green 1999 Volkswagen Beetle, he tried not to dwell on this reckless decision. He needed to see her. Once they talked about old times over a bite to eat, he’d go back to work at the club and put Rennie in a neat little package labeled the past. Maybe he’d be able to reopen that package one day, but for now, this one evening was all he could allow himself.

Twenty minutes later they pulled into a sophisticated apartment complex. She may work six blocks from the old neighborhood, but Rennie Williams had chosen to live in the suburbs. He couldn’t fault her for that.

She parked her car and waited for him in front of the building.

“How long have you been living here?” he asked as they rode up on the elevator.

“A year next month.”

“What made you come back? I thought when you left for Texas, you would end up settling down there.”

Rennie sighed, as though thinking carefully about his question. “Well, after I got my Ph.D., I was teaching undergrad classes. One of my colleagues knew I had an interest in women’s issues, so he told me there was a slot opening up at the L.A. Help Center. A literacy group had just relocated, and the Help Center board wanted to start a program targeted specifically to women,” she said, unlocking her apartment door. “This is it.” Rennie stepped back so he could precede her inside.

“This is a nice place. It’s definitely you.”

Though the room didn’t look anything like Rennie’s old bedroom, being inside her apartment gave him the same feeling. There weren’t any beefcake posters or stuffed animals, but he could see hints of his old Rennie in this more mature and stylish room.

She still loved flowers. Instead of dotting her wallpaper, they were displayed in silk arrangements throughout the apartment. And she hadn’t lost her appreciation for LL Cool J. Instead of hanging on her closet doors, he dominated the CD collection in the rack beside the stereo.

And there were new sides of her Gray hadn’t experienced. Like the fact that she liked Japanese artwork. The room had elaborately painted silk screens and ornate fans hanging on the walls.

He moved to the bookshelf. “When did you start reading romance novels?”

“I use them at the Center to show battered women what a healthy relationship can be like. Since then, I’ve become a fan myself.”

Gray continued to move around the room, asking Rennie about the knickknacks or gadgets he came across. Each item was like a puzzle piece, completing his picture of the woman Rennie had become.

Finally he picked up a tiny frame, featuring an abstract collage of music notes with a French quote in the center. “Every soul is a melody which needs renewing,” he read aloud.

Rennie turned. “Is that what it says? My friend Alise gave that to me because she liked the design. Since we’d both taken Spanish in high school, neither one of us could read the quote.”

Gray realized immediately that he’d made a mistake.

“When did you learn to speak French?”

He couldn’t tell her that since he’d joined SPEAR he’d become fluent in five languages, including French. Normally, sticking to his cover wasn’t a problem, but because Rennie was tied to his past, things were complicated.

“No, I don’t speak French. I’ve seen that frame before. The translation was written on a sticker on the back. I guess I just have a really good memory.”

She studied him for a long moment. “I see. Well, make yourself comfortable while I see what kind of leftovers I have in the kitchen.”

A few minutes later, Rennie entered the room. “I hope you aren’t too hungry because all I have in the fridge are a pitiful collection of leftovers.”

“I’m starving.” Gray rubbed his grumbling stomach.

Rennie bit her lip. “We can order pizza.”

“Let me take a look,” he said, following her into the kitchen. “Remember, we used to come up with all sorts of masterpieces in your dad’s kitchen.”

“Oh, yeah.” Rennie laughed out loud. “It’s all coming back to me, and, as I recall, they were anything but masterpieces.”

After opening a few cabinets and carefully inspecting the refrigerator, Gray nodded to Rennie with confidence. “Looks like we have enough scraps here for a delicious Everything Stew.”

Rennie nodded. “That doesn’t sound like a bad idea. Just point me in the right direction.”

Gray was very at home in the kitchen. Rennie showed him where things were, and he was off and running.

Fifteen minutes later, Gray inhaled the zesty vapor rising off their Everything Stew. Pleased, he glanced at Rennie chopping carrots. “This is going to be a good one.”

She peeked over the edge of the pot. “It’s getting there,” she said, dropping a handful of carrot chunks into the mixture.

He stirred the pot, watching the colors swirl together until a jumble of vivid memories began to bubble out of the stew along with the steam. “Remember the tomato and mayonnaise sandwiches we used to make?”

“Ugh.” Rennie crinkled her nose. “That sounds so gross now. I can’t believe we used to eat those.”

“We ate ’em and loved ’em. They weren’t so bad. Not much different than a BLT…without the B and the L.”

Rennie laughed, placing a lid on the pot so the stew could simmer. “That’s true. I guess tomato sandwiches weren’t the worst concoctions we came up with.”

Gray leaned against the counter, admiring the pristine condition of her kitchen. Clearly, she didn’t like cooking any more now than she had when she was sixteen. The only well-used item in the room was her microwave.

“I think our worst culinary experiment was our homemade macaroni and cheese.”

“I get sick just thinking about it,” Rennie said, clutching her stomach. “You know, I don’t think I’ve eaten macaroni and cheese since that day.”

“That makes two of us. The macaroni and cheese disaster also put an end to our little kitchen experiments. After that we confined our after-school snacks to grilled cheese sandwiches or cereal.”

“I think you are responsible for my fear of cooking,” she said, removing the lid on the pot to stir their stew. “Thanks to you, I must exist on all things microwavable.”

“Don’t blame me for that. In fact, you should be thanking me. Neither of us had a microwave back then. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t know how to work any kitchen appliances.”

The nights Gray had kept her company after school, it had been at his insistence that they attempt to make dinner for themselves. Otherwise, he was certain Rennie would have wasted away on pretzels and Froot Loops.

When the stew was ready, they set everything on the coffee table. Settling down on the floor before the table, Rennie sampled the first bite. “This isn’t bad. Not bad at all.”

Gray nodded his agreement after tasting his stew. The air in the kitchen had been filled with spiced cooking and memories, leaving no room for the tension that had been present since they’d seen each other again. But now that they had moved into the living room to eat their dinner, they fell into an awkward silence.

The tension drifted back, building a wall between them with bricks of uncertainty and fear. Gray watched Rennie’s profile as she blew on her spoon before sipping gently from it. How could someone so familiar be a complete stranger?

He paused, staring into his bowl as he realized that statement could just as easily be applied to him. He was nothing like the Gray she once knew. It was obvious what she saw when she looked at him. She must have so many questions. Questions he had no easy or truthful answers for.

Gray looked up to find that Rennie had put down her spoon and was watching him intently. “What’s the matter?”

“I was just about to ask you the same thing. Why the brooding look? Is something wrong with your stew?”

“No, my stew is fine.”

“Then what’s on your mind?”

“I was just thinking how, in some ways, being here with you feels perfectly natural. Like the years in between never existed. But, in other ways, I look at you and I can’t help wondering about the hundreds of tiny things that I’ve missed.”

She looked at her bowl. “I feel the same way.”

“There’s something I want to ask you?”

“What is it?”

He reached out and touched her chin with his index finger. His thumb brushed over her lips. “Why didn’t you say goodbye before you left me?”

Chapter 4

Suddenly nine years of guilt came rushing back to Rennie. When she’d left for the University of Texas, it had been early morning. She hadn’t awakened Gray to say goodbye. He deserved an explanation for that, but when she opened her mouth to speak, no words came out.

Stalling for time, she picked up their empty stew bowls and carried them into the kitchen.

Gray followed her. “We’d made plans, Rennie. We were supposed to wake up early together, then I was going to make you breakfast and take you to the airport. Instead, when I woke up, you were already gone.”

Rennie turned to face him, seeing raw emotion. It was as though she’d left him only minutes ago instead of years. Despite his words, she knew he wasn’t asking, “Why did you leave me that morning?” He wanted to know why she’d left him at all.

She could only handle one thing at a time. The answer to the first question was easy.

“The night before I left, things had been so emotional and…intense. I’m not sure I would have been able to go if we’d gone through another scene like that.” Rennie had nearly changed her mind about leaving California a thousand times. “Getting on that plane was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.”

He locked eyes with her, and she backed up into the dishwasher. “Then why did you? I told you that I would take care of you. Didn’t you believe me?”

Finally, the question she’d been dreading. Rennie skirted around him and headed into the living room. Curling up on the couch, her bare feet tucked beneath her, she took a deep breath.

Gray sat on the floor, looking at her patiently. That was the problem with him. He’d always had an infinite amount of patience.

“This is one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. The best that I can do is try to explain what was going on in my mind at the time.”

He nodded. “I’m listening.”

“I’d lost my mom when I was only a baby and my father was always working, so my brother had been my whole world. I was only fourteen when Jacob died. You immediately stepped in to look out for me—walking me home from school, driving me to the grocery store, helping me with my homework. Whenever I needed you, you were there. And I began to count on that.”

“Are you trying to say that I—”

“Let me finish, Gray. It wasn’t just me. When Jacob needed someone to watch his back, even though you’d turned down those thugs countless times, you joined the gang for his sake.”

“Not that it made any difference,” he muttered, leaning against the couch so she could only see the back of his head.

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