From the Beginning

His reaction caught him by surprise. It had been years since they’d been a couple and he thought he’d sublimated any lingering romantic feelings he’d had for her. After all, the last thing he wanted to do was give her a chance to dump him again. The first time had hurt more than enough.

Besides, he should be thanking Jack instead of contemplating the best way to rip out his throat. God knew, it had been hard enough to convince him to go along with this plan to get Amanda on the plane.

“I’ll take her from here,” Simon said, slipping his hands under the woman he had loved for almost half his life. “Can you get her bags?”

“Sure.” Jack checked her vitals then pulled away completely, and the first thing Simon felt was shock. He’d carried Amanda numerous times through the years—usually in circumstances a lot more pleasant than this—and never had she felt so…insubstantial. As if she would float away any second. Or worse, as if she really wasn’t there at all.

What the hell had she been doing to herself for the past eighteen months?

And why hadn’t he known how bad off she was? Why had it taken Jack to get him to check on her? Simon had known she wasn’t okay after the funeral. He’d known that accepting Gabby’s death was going to be the hardest thing she’d ever done, especially considering how valiantly she’d fought to save their daughter.

So why hadn’t he said to hell with the story—with all of the stories? Why hadn’t he come to get her long before this?

As he berated himself, Simon strode quickly through the darkness, his boots finding easy purchase despite his unfamiliarity with the terrain. He hadn’t been to Africa in longer than he cared to admit, but his body remembered the land as though he’d last been here yesterday. Jack walked beside him, grimly silent as he carried Amanda’s backpack and suitcase.

When they got to the plane, Simon made quick work of getting Amanda buckled in. Who knew how long the sedative Jack had given her would last? He had said it would be effective long enough for Simon to get her out of the country, but Amanda was incredibly strong-willed. If anyone could pull herself out of a stupor, it was Amanda.

After making sure she was safely settled, he walked to the plane’s open door and took her backpack from Jack while the pilot stowed her suitcase down below. Then he shook the other man’s hand.

“Thank you for calling me.” He kept his voice steady through sheer will alone. “I should have been here.”

“Don’t push her too hard, Simon. She’s more delicate than either of us ever suspected.”

Though that part of him that had been jealous earlier reared its ugly head a second time—who was Jack to tell him how to treat Amanda?—Simon pushed it down. Again. He wasn’t so far gone that he didn’t realize how right the doctor was.

“I’ll take care of her.”

Jack nodded, then clapped him on the back before leaving. Simon stowed Amanda’s backpack before walking up the aisle and settling himself next to her.

In the next few minutes, the pilot finished with the pre-takeoff maneuvers. Before Simon had even registered the time passing, they were cruising down the makeshift runway, their only guide two men waving flashlights in the direction they were supposed to go.

Looking away, he pretended that risk didn’t drive the control freak inside of him completely bat-shit crazy. Hands clenched on the armrests, he glanced at Amanda as the plane finally became airborne seconds before the dirt road turned to sand. And wondered how angry she was going to be when she finally did wake up.

Angry enough to make his life a living hell for the next few days, or weeks, he figured. She knew how to hold a mean grudge, after all. Which wouldn’t matter if he was certain that he’d done the right thing so far. He only hoped his deviousness didn’t end up leaving her more damaged than she already was.

In a perfect world, he would have stuck around the camp and tried to convince her to see things his way, but their situation was far from perfect. To begin with, he was doubtful Amanda would ever trust him again. Not after what he’d done…and, more important, what he hadn’t.

And even more than that, he didn’t have the luxury of time. He’d pulled a bunch of strings and used up all his clout at the cable news agency he worked for in order to get this plane. But he hadn’t been able to swing it for more than four days. They needed to be in Atlanta two days from now—the network execs had a board meeting planned somewhere exotic and the plane could not be MIA when it came time for them to leave.

He might have run the risk of taking regular planes home—probably four at least—if he wasn’t absolutely convinced that Amanda would slip away from him in one of the airports while waiting for a connecting flight.

Admittedly, he’d thought they were going to Boston when he’d first commandeered the plane, but now that she’d sold the house, there was nothing for her there.

Pain kicked him in the stomach, hard, at the thought of someone else living in the house he had once shared with Amanda and Gabby, but he ignored it as he always did. He focused, instead, on the problem at hand. She had no friends left in Boston, really. And there was no family for either of them. Which meant they were going to Atlanta. To the apartment he’d moved into after taking the job at the network a year ago.

It wasn’t an ideal solution—his apartment was a one-bedroom, so small that twenty-five paces would take a person from one end to the other. It was perfect for him, given the amount of time he spent at home, but it would definitely be cramped with two of them.

Maybe he could talk to his landlord about switching to something a little bigger. Though he wouldn’t mind staying with a one-bedroom. There was a part of him that found the idea of sleeping next to Amanda again, after so long, very appealing.

That is, if she didn’t maim him, which he wouldn’t put past her after the various stunts he’d pulled through the years. He’d behaved bad enough when Gabby was alive, shirking responsibility and chasing after stories as far from home as he could get because he couldn’t deal with the fact that he was losing his little girl. But now he’d gone and kidnapped Amanda.

Sitting next to her on the plane, he was forced to acknowledge that perhaps this wasn’t the best-thought-out plan. Despite the fact that she looked like a stiff wind would knock her over and shatter her into a thousand pieces, Amanda was tough. The toughest woman he’d ever met.

He’d be lucky if she didn’t call the police as soon as they were back in the States. Still, if he could get her to his apartment, get her rested and fed and stabilized emotionally, everything would be worth it. Even spending a night in jail.

It hurt him to see her like this. The vibrancy that had been such a big part of her for as long as he’d known her was damn near extinguished. The fact that he was partly responsible… He shook his head, ran a hand over his face. The fact that he’d had a part in it made him want to kick his own ass. Or at least bend over, a target painted on the body part in question, as Amanda did it for him.

But he’d had to do something. Benign neglect certainly hadn’t worked.

Reaching over, he brushed his knuckles down Amanda’s hollowed cheeks. And wished for a forgiveness he didn’t think he deserved.

CHAPTER FIVE

AS AMANDA STRUGGLED slowly toward consciousness, her first thought was that she had contracted something from one of her patients. Her head was pounding, her body ached and her stomach was trying to turn itself inside out.

She groped for the small trash can she kept a few feet from her bed, but her hand met only air. Eyes flying open, she was struck by several new realities.

First, she wasn’t in her tent.

Second, wherever she was, Simon was sitting next to her, his green eyes both wary and urgent.

Third, her seat was vibrating.

And finally—though it was probably the most urgent of her realizations—she was going to throw up.

“I need—” She started to bolt out of her chair, only to be yanked back by the belt fastened low over her hips. She wasted precious seconds trying to figure out what was happening, even as her fingers fumbled frantically with the buckle.

“Whoa, Amanda, take it easy, sweetheart.” Simon’s voice, low and soothing, barely registered as panic overwhelmed her.

She was on an airplane.

She was going to puke.

She was on an airplane.

She was going to puke.

She was on an airplane.

She was going to— The clasp finally gave way and she leaped to her feet, made a mad dash up the aisle toward…she didn’t know what. A trash can. Some privacy. Anything.

She careened into something hard—another seat maybe—and got knocked backward. Reaching a hand out to steady herself, again she grabbed only air. The next thing she knew, she was on the ground, Simon pounding up the aisle after her. But it was too late. Her stomach revolted.

Thank God there was nothing in it.

Still, Simon shoved a paper bag in front of her, then squatted beside her as she dry heaved, again and again, her entire body shuddering with the force of her convulsions. When they finally stopped after what felt like hours, she pushed the bag away and let her forehead rest against the muted gray carpet. Inhaling long, shaky breaths, she tried to figure out what the hell was happening.

It didn’t take long. Perhaps the only good thing to come out of her nausea was that it cleared her head of the cobwebs that had taken up residence there and let her think clearly.

Obviously, she was on an airplane. Obviously, she hadn’t put herself there—she would remember making the decision to accompany Simon back to the States. In fact, the last thing she did remember was her conversation with Jack, and then the prick to her arm followed by a sudden onset of dizziness. All of which added up to the realization that she’d been drugged. She’d never responded well to sedatives, which explained her sickness.

As the last of the sluggishness cleared, she became aware of Simon crouched over her, his hand rubbing soothing circles on her back. She jolted upright, shrugged off his hand.

“What the hell did you do to me?” she demanded, her voice sounding shrill to her own ears. Not that she gave a damn. Being kidnapped pretty much granted her the right to be as shrill as she wanted to be.

Simon drew back, his eyes wary as he scanned her face. Before he could say anything, the plane shook and shimmied as it hit a pocket of turbulence. “Let’s go back to our seats and talk this out. I don’t want you to get hurt.” He stood and offered her his hand.

She didn’t take it. Instead, she grabbed on to the nearest chair and pulled herself up, despite the continued weakness in her legs. “It’s a little late for that sentiment, isn’t it?” she asked. “Considering what you’ve done?”

The plane hit another pocket of turbulence, and the pilot’s voice came from the overhead speaker, asking them to fasten their seat belts. Furious—with Simon, Mother Nature, the hapless pilot and perhaps the entire world—Amanda flounced to where she and Simon had been sitting.

Strike that. To where Simon had been sitting and she’d been lying, unconscious. The bastard.

Refusing to sit next to him for one second longer—no matter how juvenile that made her—she plopped herself into the single seat on the other side of the aisle. As she did, she realized that the plane was quite luxurious. This wasn’t some little charter jet from Africa—this plane spoke of money and executives and power. It didn’t seem like Simon’s normal style, but then, she reminded herself abruptly, a lot of things could happen in eighteen months. She wasn’t the same woman she’d been a year and a half ago. Why should Simon not have changed?

The thought made her uncomfortable, particularly since she had plans to be coldly furious with the old Simon for the next five decades or so. She didn’t want to imagine Gabby’s death as having affected him. She didn’t want to have any sympathy for him at all.

Of course, he wasn’t too different from the old Simon. Otherwise he never would have dragged her out of Somalia without her permission. Although, if she was going to be technical, Jack had been the one to drug her. At Simon’s behest, obviously, but her oldest friend had betrayed her as surely as her ex-lover had. The next time she saw Jack, she’d have something to say to him and it wasn’t going to be pretty.

“Amanda, please.” Simon had settled himself across the aisle from her. “Can we talk about this?”

She very deliberately turned her head away from him. Nothing good would come from talking to him right now. The way she was feeling, she was as likely to hit him as she was to tell him to go to hell. And while she didn’t mind the latter, she’d never been a violent person and didn’t relish the thought of becoming one, even with these extenuating circumstances.

Of course, looking out the window only made her angrier. It had been night when she and Jack were talking in her tent and now it was full daylight outside. Which meant a lot of time had passed, especially considering the fact that they were traveling west. If only a few hours had passed, it would still be pitch-black.

The thought galvanized her, made her speak when she’d sworn to herself that she wasn’t going to say another word. “Where are we?”

He cleared his throat, shifted uncomfortably. “A few hours out of Atlanta.”

“Atlanta?” she demanded incredulously. “How long have I been out?”

“About sixteen hours.”

“Sixteen— What the hell did you give me? Ketamine? You could have killed me!”

“I called Jack when we stopped to refuel. He had me check your vitals, and they were fine. He said the sedative was probably hitting you so hard because of how run-down you are.”

“I’m overwhelmed by both of your concern.” Sarcasm dripped from every syllable as she turned back around to face the window. Looking at the clouds was a lot easier than looking at Simon right now.

“Don’t do that,” he said suddenly. “Don’t pretend I’m not here—I used to hate when you did that.”

“What you like and don’t like is high on my priority list right now.” She refused to give him the satisfaction of facing him.

“I hate how you always retreat behind that stony wall of silence. I know you’re mad at me—you have the right to be. But can we talk it out like adults instead of sulking like a couple of children who’ve lost their ball on the playground?”

The words were clipped, crisp, and she realized it had been years since his accent sounded so heavy. He really was as upset by this whole thing as she was. Good. He deserved it. If that made her bitter and unfeeling, so be it. But at least she wasn’t a criminal—transporting another person from one continent to another without her permission.

“What do you want me to say, Simon?” The words were wrenched from her. “That it’s okay that you did this? It isn’t. Not at all. I’ve been making my own decisions since I was seventeen years old. I don’t appreciate one of this magnitude being taken out of my hands. And Atlanta? What the hell is in Atlanta?”

“My apartment. A little over a year ago, I took a job at a cable network based out of Atlanta.”

Despite herself, she glanced around at the very lush interior of the plane. “I think you mean you took a job at the cable network based in Atlanta, don’t you?”

He flushed a little. “Pretty much.”

She didn’t say anything else. She didn’t know what to say, not when she was so shocked at the changes in Simon. A couple of years ago, there was no way he’d have tied himself to anyone. He’d relished being one of the top freelance journalists in the world, free to follow whatever story caught his fancy.

“I still travel a lot, though. I’m one of the people they send out when all hell breaks loose somewhere in the world.”

And there it was. That sounded like the Simon she knew. An inexplicable sense of relief filled her.

When she still didn’t respond, he cleared his throat. “Are we going to talk about this?” he asked. “About what happened in Africa and about…how you ended up here?” His voice trailed off lamely.

“Do you want me to wrap my hands around your throat and squeeze until your eyes bug out of your head?” she asked, sugar-sweet. “No? Then we probably shouldn’t talk quite yet. I’m still a little raw.”

He sighed heavily. “I’m sorry, Amanda. I really am.”

“You’re not the least bit sorry. Don’t insult me by pretending that you are.”

“You were killing yourself.”

“I was working. It’s what I do.” She forced herself to lower her voice, to swallow the words and insults and pain that wanted to spill out. Wanted to spill all over him. Taking a deep breath, she said as civilly as she could, “I was leaving, anyway. I was already packed.”

“You wouldn’t have come to the States—wouldn’t have gotten the rest you need.”

“That’s not your problem. I’m not your problem.”

“I can’t stand by and watch you do that to yourself.”

“Nobody asked you to. You could have gone on your merry way. God knows, you’re good at that.”

“Damn it, Amanda. I want to help you!” His voice was raw, impassioned. “When are you going to see that? When are you going to let me in?”

“Damn it, Simon,” she mimicked him, but her voice was as devoid of feeling as his was overwrought. “I don’t want your help. When are you going to figure that out? When are you going to leave me alone?”

It was his turn to lock his jaw. His turn to face the window and the seemingly infinite sky.

She knew he was angry. Knew that, even more, he was hurt by his inability to reach her. For a brief second, she tried to care. She’d never been one to take pleasure in someone else’s pain. But when she reached down inside of herself, tried to find some remnant of the feelings she’d once had for him, there was nothing left. Only a terrible numbness.

She went back to looking out the window herself. Started counting clouds. It was going to be a long few hours until they landed in Georgia.

SIMON UNFASTENED HIS SEAT BELT with combined feelings of relief and unease. Relief because they were finally in Atlanta after what had been one of the most emotionally uncomfortable flights of his life, with the exception of the one after Amanda had called to inform him that Gabby was dead.

He was uneasy, though, because these past few hours of silence between them had been colder than the temperatures he’d endured in Antarctica covering a story on climate change. The emotional chill and Amanda’s total and complete introspection made him wonder what she had planned. Because if he knew anything, it was that Amanda Jacobs was not the type to accept her fate—especially if that fate had anything to do with him.

Crossing to the rear of the plane, Simon retrieved her backpack from where he’d stashed it. She accepted it without a word, then walked toward the front and waited patiently for the door to be opened. Simon grabbed his bag and followed her.

In only a couple of minutes, they’d collected her suitcase and then headed toward customs. More than once, he tried to start a conversation, but she shut him down every time with her absolute refusal to speak. He might have thought her voice box had suffered some terrible calamity if she hadn’t spoken clearly and politely, if a little woodenly, to the customs officer who questioned her.

After checking out her American passport and welcoming her home, he let her enter. She walked through and then it was Simon’s turn to hand his documentation to the man. After answering questions about the stories that had taken him to four continents in three weeks, he, too, was allowed in.

Amanda wasn’t waiting for him on the other side of the gate. Instead, she’d taken off, using the extra time he’d spent dealing with the customs agent to put some distance between them.

Swearing bitterly, he set off running. It was evening, so the terminal wasn’t as crowded as it could have been, but it was still busy enough that he had trouble finding her, dressed as she was in simple baggy jeans and a black tank top.

When he got to the exit doors with still no sign of her, he paused, looked around wildly. Had he overreacted, jumped to conclusions? Maybe she’d had to use the restroom? But that didn’t make sense. She would have told him if that was the case. Wouldn’t she?

Walking slowly back the way he’d come, he scanned the exiting masses carefully. If he lost Amanda here, in Atlanta, he might never find her again. No cell phone, no address to go on, nothing at all. And while he’d spent the past eighteen months without her, he’d always known where she was. The idea of never finding her again was a sucker punch to the chest. Besides, how was he supposed to put his plans into action if he didn’t know where she was?

It was on his third scan of the area that his gaze fell on a sign that read Ground Transportation, Taxis. His heart kicked up its rhythm as he took off in the direction of the arrow. Why hadn’t he thought of it right away? Of course she would try to get a taxi.

As he burst into the steamy Atlanta night, he prayed he wasn’t too late. Not that he didn’t deserve to be left behind after his total and complete stupidity. But still, he couldn’t help hoping—

There. There she was. Thank God for the delay at the taxi stand. Amanda was still five people away from getting a cab.

Weaving through the crowd, he came up on her left side. “Thanks for getting in line,” he told her nonchalantly, as he cupped her elbow with his hand.

She whirled to face him, lips tight and eyes completely blank. The blankness frightened him. He’d always been able to tell where he stood, where Amanda was emotionally, by looking into her eyes. She’d never been one to hide her emotions away, so whatever she felt—happiness, anger, sorrow, confusion—shone brightly in the varying shades of gray.

Now there was nothing. He didn’t know if it was because she’d finally found a way to lock her emotions down deep inside her or if it was because she really didn’t feel anything. Either way, it didn’t bode well for her or the tattered remnants of the relationship he’d been hoping to salvage.

“I would suggest going to the back of the line,” she told him woodenly. “Because you are not sharing a cab with me.”

“Of course I am. How else are you going to find my apartment?”

A flash of surprise in those glorious eyes. Finally. “Why exactly would I need to know where your apartment is?”

“Because you’ll be staying with me.”

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