Letters of Not Lite

Orson Welles’ suggestions for The Transformers: The Movie

11th August 1986

Dear Barry,

Thank you so much for selecting me to play the role of Unicron in Transformers: The Movie. I have read the script and absolutely love it. (It’s a sort of Lear in space wouldn’t you say?) If you would indulge me, I have a slight addition I would like to make to the dialogue provided. I feel that a brief soliloquy, just prior to Unicron devouring the moons of Cybertron and, as a consequence, Jazz, Bumblebee, Cliffjumper, and Spike, would more clearly frame his state of mind. Please consider the following merely a suggestion.

What do you think?

Yours, Orson

EXT – SPACE – NIGHT

On the point of exhaustion, Unicron turns to his vanquisher Rodimus Prime.

UNICRON

(Weakly)

It’s good to see you Rodimus. You and I aren’t heroes you know, this galaxy doesn’t make any heroes …

Look down there … Would you feel any pity if one of those Autobots stopped activating forever? If I offered you Two Zillion Quazseks for every Autobot that powered down would you really, old man, tell me to keep my money? Or would you calculate how many Autobots you could afford not to transform? Free of Space Tax, old man … free of Space Tax. It’s the only way to save money nowadays. Oh, Rodimus Prime, what fools we are, talking to each other this way. As though I would do anything to you – or you to me. You’re just a little mixed up about things … in general. Nobody thinks in terms … of Decepticons or Insecticons. The Autobot Matrix of Leadership doesn’t, so why should we? They talk about Quintessons, and the Lithonians. I talk about Jazz and Windcharger …. It’s the same thing. They have their plan to destroy Cybertron and its moons … and so have I.

(Fading)

I still do believe in the power of Transformation, old man … I believe in Skywarp and Megatron and all that … The powered down are happier powered down. They don’t miss much here … Oh Rodimus, Don’t be so gloomy. After all, it’s not that awful. Remember in Cybertron, for thirty parsecs under the Decepticons, they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed, but they produced Soundwave, Scourge, and Starscream. In Ceti Alpha Seven, they had brotherly love. They had five hundred Zantrells of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The Scorponok. So long, Rodimus.

[He dies. A hero]

A letter from a wise man

10th January 1AD

Dear Balthazar,

Hope you got back OK. My journey home was a total nightmare. I won’t bore you with the details, but let’s just say I’ve had enough of camels for a while.

Wow, that was some crazy trip wasn’t it? Sort of started out as one thing, then ended up as another thing altogether. The three of us really went through something, right? Weird times.

I don’t know about you, but since I’ve got back and had a chance to think about stuff, I’ve got to say I’m still not altogether sure what went down. Obviously it was a total blast to be out with you guys on this madcap adventure, but on reflection, I’ve started to have a few reservations. Especially about that whole stable/baby scene.

I mean, we didn’t really check these people out before we started bestowing gifts on them did we? Feels as if we all got a bit over-excited with the whole ‘King of the Jews’ angle and lost our heads a little. Just having a bit of distance from it and thinking about it rationally, it seems to me, looking back in the cold light of day, to an impartial observer it could seem as if we just handed over a large selection of luxury items to a bunch of vagrants in a barn.

Now, I know we thought they seemed really holy. But maybe they were just really happy? After all, one second they’re bunking down with some farm animals in filth, then we pitch up and start handing out goodies. Perhaps I’m being paranoid, but is it too crazy to think we’ve been taken for a ride somehow? I mean, that star and the trumpets and all that glowing? It doesn’t really add up. We were out in the sun for a really long time, I think we may not have been in the best state of mind to be making those types of judgement calls.

You know, I’ve known you for years, so obviously you are above reproach in my book. But how much do you know about that Melchior guy? I mean Melchior – is that even a name? Of course he’s a wise man – we’re all wise men and it takes one to know one. But being a wise man doesn’t preclude you from also being a con man. Do you think he could have been in on it with them? He was in a bit of a hurry to get away afterwards and I’m just going to assume it was Frankincense in that bottle. Could have been anything. Can you vouch for that guy?

I know we all wanted it to be real. Who doesn’t want to discover a godhead at that early stage? That’s a real career booster. But I realise now that I’ve ended up with nothing to show for it except an empty shelf where my Myrrh used to be. Which wasn’t the easiest situation to explain to the wife. Now it’s not just those folks who are sleeping in a barn.

Anyway, I guess what’s done is done. But I think maybe we should try to keep this whole thing under wraps as far as possible, if we can. If that story gets out there, I’m not sure people are going to think that we’re all that wise after all. But then, what are chances of that happening, right?

Happy Hanukkah,

Gaspar

A doctor writes to Lou Gehrig

19th June 1939

Dear Lou Gehrig,

Your test results have now been returned to us. It seems you have been diagnosed with ‘LOU GEHRIG’S DISEASE’. This could be really bad or possibly really good. Either way you should probably pop by the office.

Best,

Dr Schmidt

Tweets from the 1965 Newport Folk Festival

@pseeger

Good morning. It’s a beautiful Sunday and we’ll have some great tunes from Blue Ridge Mountain Dancers, Cousin Emmy and Bobby Dylan #Newport65

@Ginny

Hey! Anyone got a spare ticket? Love Peter Paul & Mary! LOVE! Just gotta see them #PPMForever

@BuddyBoi

Got fucking mashed at Bikel’s gig last night. Threw up outside some dick’s tent! Psyched for Maybelle Carter. Already drinkin’ #Newport65

@BeatBoy

Heard a rumour The Weavers might do a surprise show. I’ll lose my shit if they show up. #Newport65

@Jojo

@BeatBoy Heard that too! Totally gonna happen! Fucking Weavers! #FuckingWeavers

@Ginny

Hey! Can someone get me backstage? I just gotta meet Peter Yarrow, he’s dreamy. #Newport65

@KlownCar

@Bodge Hey dude where you at? I’m in the acoustic tent.

@Bodge

@KlownCar They are all acoustic, dumbass.

@Venereal

Boo! Boo! Booooooooo! #DylanSux #Newport65

@Rodlles

My wife is in tears. As am I. #FolkisDead #DylanSux #Newport65

@Bloodless

His career is over. This is the last you’ll hear of Bob Dylan. #DylanSux

@Fondo

Appaz Seeger’s going crazy backstage with an axe! #Newport65

@FineFolkFan

@Fondo Good! He can cut these long hairs hair while he’s at it. #DylanSux #Newport65

@Drestles

Did you hear Paul Anka died? #AnkaRIP

@LibbySez

I quite like it #DylanDoesntSuck

@NoSanta

@LibbySez Women will never understand the intricacies of folk music. #DylanSux

@CleftMallet

Next year I’m going to stay at home and wait for the album to come out. #DylanSux

@Magoo

Thank Christ that’s over. #Newport65 #DylanSux

@MelloTunez

Think I’m going to puke #Newport65

@MikeBloomfield

Yeah! Fucking nailed it! See you next year Newport! #Newport65

@Walington

@MikeBloomfield Sir, if you mean the coffin of great folk music, then yes, you certainly did nail it.

@pseeger

Many apologies. Refunds will be available from the lady at the booth. #Newport65

@pseeger

And I did not have an axe! It was my lucky percussion hatchet.

@Walt666

That was the single most horrific thing that has or will ever happen at an American music festival. #DylanSux

@Quango

Wish it had been Dylan rather than the late great Paul Anka #AnkaRIP

@Ginny

@PeteYarrow Pete! Really sorry about that! Didn’t mean to get so crazy! Can you msg me? #SORRY!

A note from Alexander Graham Bell’s business manager

Dearest Alexander,

Don’t feel downhearted. I know that interest and funding for your new device has been scant so far. But I am sure that once its attributes have been fully appreciated by open-minded people, then patronage will surely follow and it is bound to revolutionise the world of communications.

I felt our meeting today was particularly trying. I had it on good authority that Mr Towne was interested in investing and I thought he would have been more impressed by our presentation. But it was obviously not to be and again our efforts were futile. With this in mind, I wonder if a different approach might be called for?

I understand how disappointing it must be for you, enduring these continually fruitless meetings. But I did note today (and I think the estimable Mr Towne felt it also) that a distinct ennui overcame you when discussing the merits of the device.

I’m not a man of fine words, Alexander, but let me attempt to explain myself. It seemed to me as if you were not really trying particularly hard when presenting our prospectus and were merely going through the motions, as it were, without due care or attention. Oh dear, I’m really not sure if I’m getting my point across adequately. I can’t quite seem to find the right expression for what I wish to impart.

What I’m trying to say is I felt you were making a modicum of effort but were not fully invested in the pitching speech. It wasn’t the full-bodied approach I have previously seen you give, but rather a lifeless, ill-defined, subdued version of what I’ve witnessed. It was performed in something of a lacklustre manner, as if the results simply didn’t matter at all.

How best to put this? Again, I feel my words fail me. Perhaps there is no phrase to perfectly describe exactly what I’m trying to say. But let us regroup before our next investor presentation and have a bit of a pep talk. Obviously, I believe wholeheartedly in your invention and in you, Alexander, but I feel it would be to our advantage to avoid another sub-standard, middling effort exhibiting the lowest amount of energy required to get our message across. I wish I could explain myself better, perhaps with your inventing skills you could create a word for that also?

Yours,

Anthony Pollok

A publisher writes to Geoffrey Chaucer

14th February 1394

Dear Mr Chaucer,

Thank you so much for letting us have a look at your book The Canterbury Tales. We are returning the manuscript to you at this time.

Even though this is the first writing I have ever encountered in the English language and indeed the first book I have ever actually seen, I have to say I found the whole thing rather derivative.

I just didn’t fully engage with the premise.

All of the main characters suddenly finding themselves together in one location and proceeding to conduct a storytelling competition?

Though this is the first written story I have ever seen, it seemed a bit of a stretch and it was too trite and convenient for me. If there were people around who could actually read at this time, I feel that readers would find it difficult to stomach this plot device. I imagine that the two or three religious types and noblemen who have actually achieved literacy would want to see more of themselves in the story, as opposed to this scattershot approach where Millers, Pardoners and Wives of Bath suddenly converge and begin spinning yarns so readily.

And setting it in an inn is an enormous mistake. Even though the common man in our times only visits taverns, churches or their own hut, the setting completely alienates the teen market that is so important these days thanks to the exceptionally low life expectancy. Maybe try a blacksmith as an alternative? Everyone likes blacksmiths.

The ‘low grade’ humour that was on display was my main concern with the work. These are sophisticated times, Geoffrey. Medicine has proven that we are controlled by a number of humours that provoke illness when imbalanced. Many serfs now employ the use of a rudimentary wooden plough that can sort of move field soil in almost three days. And now one in fourteen of our infants survive childbirth. This level of development should be reflected in our culture. Bottom kissing, sphincter singeing and anal shenanigans do not suit these enlightened times.

There is a lot to commend the work and I don’t want you to get downhearted. The fact that it is a book at all, where there aren’t really any other books in existence, is definitely a plus point. Could I beseech you to attempt a rewrite based on these thoughts? I know there aren’t any other works around to compare it to, but perhaps you could take a look at what other authors are producing and see what’s popular in the market. It’s almost certainly going to be The Bible, so what about something like that? But without the religious overtones? And less farting?

Thanks again for letting us look at it. Hope your plague clears up soon.

Leonard Beauclerc

Random Dwelling Publishers

Only Street

Southwark

Brian Eno’s discarded oblique strategies

BE AN ONION

HOLD YOUR NERVE LIKE YOU’RE HOLDING A CHINAMAN’S BALLS

TURN YOUR ANSWERS SIDEWAYS

TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN

TURN YOUR TOOLS UPSIDE DOWN (NOT DRILLS)

IS IT GOD-AWFUL?

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