The Grand Tour Guide to the World

When driving in New Zealand, don’t forget your Car Jennifer. If you don’t know what a Car Jennifer is, ask a Police Peter.

In the Chinese province of Ped Xing it is illegal to touch the steering wheel.

In Norway every extra horsepower over 100 is taxed at a rate of two horsepower. As a consequence, the Norwegian-market Ferrari 488 has minus 1100 horsepower.

The actor Daniel Day-Lewis always encounters problems when visiting Indonesia as his name literally translates as ‘Call me a taxi’.

The South African driving test is the only one in the world that contains a section on fighting off an attacker.

If taking your driving test in Chile, don’t forget your Driving Owl, which should be relatively clean and presented without hesitation or wiping.

The oldest person ever to pass their driving test was Hector Esposito of Monclova, Mexico, who was awarded his licence at the age of 103. Four years later he was disqualified from driving after a routine police stop discovered him to be dead.

In Tonga the king has not heard of cars and as a result everyone else must pretend they have not heard of cars either, even though they have.

In 1976 Sweden passed a new law stating that all motorists must throw a fresh fish out of their car window at 1km intervals. The law was repealed eight months later when it was discovered that the country had accidentally elected a herring gull as prime minister.

In Malaysia the penalty for being caught speeding is that you must eat your entire car, even the hot bits.

In Finland the driving test includes a requirement for new motorists to ‘prove they can hover in a stable way’. That’s because the Finnish word for ‘car’ is the same as the Finnish word for ‘enormous helicopter’ and the government can’t be bothered to sort it out.

In Arkansas it is illegal to drive with your eyes shut, unless it’s raining.

For most people Ford Escort is a car, but not for the people of Uruguay who, in 1987, elected a man called Ford Escort as their president. His first act was to ban the sale of the Ford Escort in his country on the grounds that it was ‘confusing’.

In Japan denting another car is punishable by feeling very embarrassed for up to three years.

IN COLOMBIA IT IS ILLEGAL FOR A GOAT TO DRIVE A CAR, UNLESS IT HAS PASSED ITS DRIVING TEST.

POSTCARD FROM THE TENT

Came to Johannesburg to record the first show in the series, even though it’ll be the second to go live. That way if it all goes wrong, we’ve got more time to fix it.

First time we’d seen the tent put up since we gave it a trial run on a damp farm in Hertfordshire a few months ago. Looks a bit better here. First night, sent James off to go spinning. He came back to the hotel bar covered in dirt and stinking like a tyre fire. Decided having a beer was more important than getting changed, even though bar was packed. Maybe people think he always smells like that. Lion costume delivered, to ‘eat’ a star guest. It’s been hard to find a realistic one. Ignored Jeremy’s suggestion to ‘use a real lion’. Next day we filmed the show. Presenters liked the idea of first studio recording being here because they’ve performed live shows in South Africa before and the audiences are always amazing which makes everything go with a swing. Sure enough, they were great. Everyone on the crew happy, had a small party back at the hotel at which Richard bought half the bar and Jeremy made our Dutch tech team race around the hotel garden. Up late this morning, about to go to airport then remembered we needed to make short film for very important American TV critics’ conference apologising for not being there. Remembered animal costume used yesterday so got one of crew to put it on and deliver message to camera as a talking lion while presenters sat in the background. American TV critics will think we’re a bit strange. Oh well. See you soon,

THE GRAND TOUR

PIT STOP 02

PORTUGAL

a.k.a.

REPÚBLICA PORTUGUESA

(If you are Portuguese and also very formal)

Portuguese inventions include peri-peri sauce and therefore also the invention of teenagers going on crap dates to chicken restaurants.

Population:

11 MILLION

The Algarve International Circuit at Portimão is famed for its challenging, technical design, which has been known to make Jeremy Clarkson’s house explode.

Capital:

LISBON

THE MOTTO OF PORTUGAL IS ‘MMM, CUSTARD TARTS’.

In 1373 Britain and Portugal signed the Anglo-Portuguese Alliance, which is still in force today. This agreement promises that each nation shall defend the other in the event of war, as long as they’re not too busy and it’s not a bank holiday or anything.

Currency:

EURO

Portuguese explorer Pedro Álvares Cabral was the first European to discover Brazil, although he also found it was too big to bring home with him.

Famous people:

CRISTIANO RONALDO (FOOTBALLER), LUÍS FIGO (FOOTBALLER), RUI COSTA (FOOTBALLER), JOSÉ MOURINHO (FOOTBALL MANAGER), VASCO DA GAMA (NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOTBALL)

From the sixth until the eighth century, the Iberian peninsula was under the control of the Visigoths, who really liked both The Cure and wearing reflective bands on their black clothes if cycling at night.

BEHIND THE SCENES

Before The Grand Tour had a name or indeed any other ideas, there was this. A trip to Portugal for the ultimate hypercar shoot-out. That’s why no one in this film mentions the name of the show. At that point, it didn’t have one. Although James suggested ‘Nigel’.

Setting up this shoot took many, many months, not least because McLaren and Ferrari were very particular about the location, the back-up provided and the tyres the cars used. Porsche, less so.

Richard experiences a moment of severe underpant damage at the wheel of the insane P1.

Something we might never see again: James May powersliding. Oh, also, three hypercars together.

The location for this test was the Algarve International Circuit in Portimao. It opened in 2008 and is sometimes used for Formula One testing.

PORTUGAL – LAND OF INADVISABLE BETS

‘IF THE MCLAREN P1 ISN’T FASTER THAN THOSE OTHER TWO CARS YOU CAN KNOCK MY HOUSE DOWN … OH BUGGER’

– JEREMY CLARKSON

‘IF THERE’S SUCH A THING AS MALARIA YOU CAN HAVE MY VICEROYSHIP OF PORTUGUESE INDIA … OH BUGGER’

– VASCO DA GAMA

‘IF WE DON’T BEAT THESE NORWEGIANS IN THIS CHAMPIONS LEAGUE MATCH I WILL STOP MANAGING CHELSEA (BUT THEN COME BACK AGAIN IN 2013) … OH BUGGER’

– JOSÉ MOURINHO

‘THERE’S NO WAY THIS SPICY CHICKEN RECIPE IS GOING TO WORK AND IF IT DOES YOU CAN LET A SOUTH AFRICAN MAN USE IT TO BUILD A SUCCESSFUL RESTAURANT CHAIN … OH BUGGER’

– EVERYONE IN PORTUGAL

‘I PROMISE YOU LAPU-LAPU WILL WANT TO CONVERT TO CHRISTIANITY AND IF I’M WRONG YOU CAN STAB ME WITH A BAMBOO SPEAR … OH BUGGER’

– FERDINAND MAGELLAN

GO AWAY MAY

When planning your next holiday, why not consider the advantages of GO AWAY MAY, the only holiday company owned and operated by that James May man who is sometimes on your television.

A holiday from GO AWAY MAY takes away all your normal stresses and replaces them with new stresses, such as the kind brought on by realising that your flight home leaves in 20 minutes and you are still on a coach driven by a shaggy-haired gentleman who believes this is the correct direction despite the exhortations of the other passengers and the local man we ran over a few miles back.

But that’s all to come. A GO AWAY MAY holiday starts from the moment you leave your house and have to stand outside it for 47 minutes because your taxi driver is James May and he’s had to go back to get your tickets, which he forgot when he left his office.

Once aboard your aeroplane you really can relax, knowing that up in the cockpit the controls are being smoothly operated by James May, who is a fully qualified pilot AND knows the names of two other airports, though neither is where you’re supposed to be going.

Finally, you reach your destination hotel, usually within two or three days of the stated arrival time. As you wait for news of the other people in your party, you can sit back in a brown corduroy chair, sip on a pint of bitter and reflect on how the relevant authorities will probably find them soon.

Then it’s time to check in to your room, personally organised by James May and containing everything he himself would look for in a hotel, by which we mean two bottles of warm ginger beer and a massive switch that turns all the lights off at once.

As evening falls it’s time to visit the restaurant, where you can peruse a high-quality menu knowing that James May has curated the selection personally and that, as a result, it’s just a single piece of cardboard with two kinds of pie written on it.

Your holiday starts here. Where it ends, no one knows. James has lost the bit of paper with your details on it.

SAMPLE ACTIVITIES ON YOUR GO AWAY MAY HOLIDAY

The Lazenby-Ruddock transmission overdrive system. A brief guide.

(Running time: 9 hours)

Stripping, inspecting, cleaning and rebuilding a Thrubson 8J-80 carburettor.

(Running time: 14 hours)

Radial-engined aircraft of the inter-war years. A brief history.

(Running time: 19 hours and 2 days)

THE GREATEST CAR-MAKING COUNTRIES ON EARTH

USA

Current annual production: 12 million

Epicentre: Detroit

Most famous cars: Ford Model T, Ford Mustang, Chevrolet Corvette, Ford Thunderbird, and lots of others

Best current model: Ford GT

The USA has two solid claims to being the greatest car-making nation in history, the first being that mass production of cars was perfected here. The second is that, from the Model T to the Mustang, it’s made so much memorable stuff. Detroit’s best days might be behind it, but the old town rose from the dead after the financial crash and isn’t done for yet, even if a lot of the assembly of stuff in the USA now happens under foreign ownership in un-car-y places like Tennessee and Alabama. Even so, the fact remains that America still builds and buys a lot of cars. And some of them are even quite good.

GREAT BRITAIN

Current annual production: 1.8 million

Epicentre: Birmingham

Most famous cars: Mini, Jaguar E-Type, Range Rover, Morris Minor, Jaguar XJ6, and so on.

Best current model: Range Rover

Great Britain was once the world’s second-largest car-making nation after the USA and once boasted the world’s largest factory, the Austin plant at Longbridge in Birmingham. Britain came up with ground-breaking new models like the Mini, which showed that front-wheel-drive was the way to make a small car, and the Range Rover, which showed that 4x4s weren’t just for farmers. But that was all a long time ago. What does Britain have now? Well, it’s got over 30 factories, from the vast mass production of Nissan in Sunderland to the gentler pace of tiny companies like Ariel in Somerset, and they’re making more cars now than they have in two decades, from the Mini and Honda Civic to the Morgan Three-wheeler and McLaren 720S. When it comes to designing, developing and building cars, Britain is still officially ‘quite busy’. And ‘quite good’. Any more would lack British understatement.

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