Muse

They didn’t get a chance to talk again until the clothing exchange was over. The mothers took over, dragging them along to look at the wares, and Clara kept up a constant chatter, asking Dani a million questions.

When time was called and Dani had packed her chosen items and her mom’s in two separate bags, Chris helped her take the remaining clothes she’d brought that no one had taken and put them in the donation pile by the door. You had a choice: you could take your remaining stuff home or donate to the local clothing drive charity. Dani opted for the second, not wanting to haul the stuff home.

‘Those were some nice clothes,’ he said, eyeing the bags.

‘I’m kind of going for a Feng Shui kind of thing. If I don’t wear it, haven’t worn it in a year, or it doesn’t make me happy, I’m clearing it out. I’d rather they be put to good use.’

Clara and Helen had drifted out to wait in the parking lot, still catching up.

‘Sounds like you know more about yourself than you think,’ Chris said.

‘So tell me!’ she blurted. ‘Tell me what you have in mind. I’m dying to know but with Thelma and Louise hovering we couldn’t talk.’

He chuckled, reached out a hand and brushed a stray piece of hair from her eyes. ‘I told you I teach a night class.’

‘Yes.’ She drew the word out to show her growing impatience. ‘You don’t want me to paint, do you? Because, trust me, I’d be your first failure. I’d make you tear your hair out.’

He shook his head. ‘Nope. I need a model.’

She stood there, unsure of what to do or what to say. ‘A model?’

‘A nude model.’

‘A nude model!’

He pushed his hand over her mouth, laughing. ‘Don’t shout, Dani.’

When she inhaled she could smell the scent of him. It went right to her head like a drug. Chris somehow always managed to smell good. Even in the dreggy, soupy climate of an August in Maryland he’d always smelled good. Nothing had changed.

He looped his arm through hers and tugged her along toward the entrance. But they didn’t go out lest they be set upon by the mothers. That was how Dani was starting to think of them: the mothers. Almost like a horror-movie title. She giggled nervously.

‘Are you insane?’ she hissed by the door as the last of the attendees straggled past.

‘Nope. I’m perfectly sane. Look, you want to do something you’d never do. I need a beautiful model for my students to do a series of poses. It’s perfect. And it pays. You can use the money to restock your closet.’ He winked.

‘I … can’t. I mean … I couldn’t. That would be crazy.’ Her pulse pounded in her throat and she felt like her heart had lodged there.

‘No? See, I think you could.’

‘I …’

‘Just think about it,’ he said. ‘Give me your phone.’

Dani dug it out of her purse and handed it over without comment. He dialled a number and the phone in his pocket rang. He silenced it and then handed hers back.

‘There. Now you’re in my phone and I’m in yours. Just think about it. We can talk if you want. I can explain more.’

‘Christ,’ she said. ‘I’m thirty-two.’

‘You say that like it’s bad,’ he said, shaking his head. Those blue eyes bored into her and she felt naked right then. Was that what it would be like to shed her clothes in front of a bunch of strangers?

‘It’s not young.’

‘It’s not old.’

‘I’m probably not what you’re looking for.’

‘I wouldn’t have asked if that were true. I think not only do you know more about yourself than you think,’ he said, touching her elbow. ‘I think you’re more beautiful than you realise.’

‘Christopher!’

Dani and Chris turned, as if caught misbehaving, to see Clara in the doorway. ‘Let’s go. I told Virginia I’d be there at four. We have to go!’

He rolled his eyes so only Dani could see. Then he leaned in, gave her a quick, warm peck on the cheek and said in her ear. ‘Call me.’

Goosebumps sprang up along her neck from his warm breath and she nodded. It had been her first instinct to turn him down flat, right then, right there. But instead she said nothing. What the hell did that mean? Was she honestly considering standing nude in front of a classroom full of people?

In the car her mother was rummaging through a trash bag of clothing. ‘You should see this sweater I found. Amazing. It’s cashmere.’

‘Goat,’ Dani said, laughing.

‘Don’t be crass.’

‘It is goat!’

‘But cashmere sounds so much nicer, don’t you think?’ Her mother finally located her prize and pulled it out. A medium shade grey sweater with dark-dark red trim at the collar, cuffs and hem.

‘Doesn’t look like something you’d wear,’ Dani said. She turned the car back out onto the main road.

‘It’s not. Good Lord. I got it for you.’ Helen shoved the sweater into her lap as she drove.

‘Thanks for the goat sweater, Mom.’ She tried not to laugh, pressing her lips together in a tight line.

‘Let’s go eat. I’m starving.’

‘Where to?’

‘Bradley’s? I’d like a crab cake. Maybe two. Shopping for bargains makes me hungry.’

‘Too bad you couldn’t find an angora sweater,’ Dani said. ‘Then we’d have goat and rabbit.’ This time she failed to suppress her laughter.

Her mother swatted Dani’s arm. ‘Well, speaking of farm animals, did you see the cow eyes Christopher was giving you?’

Some foreign feeling that Dani couldn’t quite pin down flooded her system. Her ears buzzed slightly and she remembered him brushing that stray wisp of hair back. ‘Mom, Chris and I are just friends. You’re mistaken.’

Her mother snorted. ‘Hardly. I am an expert at spotting a smitten man. Besides,’ she said, rolling down her window just enough to let a little fresh air in, ‘he was madly in love with you in high school. Why should anything change? Clara said he’s single. She worries, you know. All that art, all the drive and fixation. No woman in his life. There was a girl, she said, once, they were together six years or so. She had hopes. Grandbabies, don’t you know. But it fizzled. And then poof!’

‘Poof?’

‘Poof! We run into them today and he’s making cow eyes at you.’

‘What exactly are cow eyes?’ Dani asked. They’d stopped at a red light and her mother took the opportunity to lean in, force her eyes wide and look somehow sorrowful and hopeful at the same time.

Dani barked laughter.

‘Those. Those are cow eyes.’

‘I think I’d remember Christopher looking at me that way. Because I would have run.’

‘Bah,’ said her mother. ‘You’re too wrapped up in denial. You should meet him for a drink,’ she said, helpfully.

‘I might.’ But in her head it was I will. Because I think I’m going to take my clothes off for his class …

* * *

She’d made it through crab cakes with her mother and her monologue about Christopher. Then Dani took her mom home, helped her with her bags and begged off home instead of staying for tea. Her excuse being she had laundry to do for work Monday morning.

It wasn’t a lie. But the solitude and quiet were the most important part. A full-blown introvert, Dani needed to decompress after the crush of people, the two older women, Chris’s proposal and just being around all that energy.

She hauled her bags inside, the cashmere sweater tossed over her shoulder, and dropped the whole shebang down the basement steps. She checked her messages, poured a glass of wine and turned on a cooking show. Something about grilling outside, something she’d never done in her entire life.

Her ironing stood in the corner of her bedroom, beckoning. Usually, she loathed the chore, but it was a necessary evil, at least when it came to work clothes. The doctors she worked for were sticklers about appearance and professionalism. Today, though, it seemed a good thing. She found it, occasionally, to be a Zen kind of activity. A way to clear her head when she was thinking in circles. There wasn’t anything much more straightforward and mundane than ironing. It could be as soothing as it was boring.

She started with her turquoise striped blouse, keeping one eye on the grilling guy on the screen. She abandoned him soon enough, lining up seams, humming, trying to picture herself naked in front of a room full of strangers.

And Christopher, she realised. A small, cool chill shivered up her spine. He’d be there. He’d see her without her clothes. Her old friend, her childhood buddy … that would be … weird.

‘Wouldn’t it, though?’ she mumbled. She caught sight of herself in the large dresser mirror. Standing there behind her ironing board, with a few tendrils of hair coming loose from her knot. Her cheeks were flushed and she looked like a woman who had a secret. Or was about to.

She stepped out from behind the ironing board and removed her boots and socks. After shucking her jeans, she stood there in her grey tunic regarding herself.

‘You’re not nineteen any more,’ she told the woman in the mirror.

But maybe nineteen was overrated. Maybe a thirty-two-year-old single woman who took fairly good care of herself was just fine, thank you very much.

Dani took a breath, pulled the tunic over her head. The heavy silver pendant fell against her chest with a thud. She pulled the periwinkle lace bralette over her head, letting her breasts fall free. Then, without looking at herself, she pushed her panties down and kicked them across the room.

She stood there, staring at herself in the mirror, attempting to see herself as a stranger would. Which was damn impossible, she realised. Impossible to shed her own hangups, worries and criticisms. But she tried.

She struck a pose and then covered her face. Despite being alone she felt the heat in her cheeks. She was blushing. Like an idiot.

Dani squared her shoulders, shook her hair out of its messy knot and fluffed it. Then she stood there, trying to look calm and unassuming as she’d seen nude models do in the movies and on TV. These artists – newbies, unassuming novices, she thought – wouldn’t be painting a pinup model. They’d be painting the nude form in a neutral pose.

She was a bit rounder than she was when she’d run through the woods and gone swimming in the local lake with Chris. Her hips had filled out, flared in a most feminine way. The slight swell of her lower belly seemed ripe and fertile instead of ugly. Her ribs still showed and around them the muscles she’d developed doing God knew how many down-dog poses and planks. Her breasts were still relatively where they belonged. Much fuller and rounder than in her teen years. She smiled, cocked her head. Moved her shoulders so that her collarbone stood out in full relief – the most fetching bone in the entire body, she felt.

‘Not too shabby,’ she whispered.

Her cellphone rang, vibrating in the middle of her bed, and she squealed, covering her breasts as if she’d been caught doing something shameful.

She grabbed it and answered without looking at the caller ID. ‘Hello?’

‘So, have you decided?’ Chris. She could tell just by the way he spoke that he was smiling.

That blush returned in her cheeks as if he could see her here, primping and preening in her mirror while the iron hissed and spat in the corner.

‘I have.’

‘And?’

‘And … I think … yes. But …’

‘But?’

‘But I need to know more. I mean, the details. It will help me decide for certain.’ Her tongue felt too big for her mouth. Her head felt fuzzy and light as if hovering a few feet above her body instead of actually being attached. ‘Can you tell me more?’

‘Sure. Of course. Why don’t we meet for a drink tomorrow? Justin’s on the Water down in Middle River?’

‘What time?’

‘Well, it’s Sunday tomorrow. We could go with the oldster crowd. Early dinner and drinks at threeish?’

‘I’ll be there.’

‘I think it will be good for you,’ he said, his voice deep and comforting.

‘Do you?’

‘I do. An emotional shakeup. Something to make you feel wild and brave and free. Instead of some crazed road trip where you roam the blacktop highways of our great nation, you can just come at night after work and take your clothes off.’

She shook her head. ‘You are so weird, Chris.’

‘Always have been,’ he said. Then he laughed, said goodbye and disconnected.

Dani put on a pair of sweats and a huge Henley that she’d stolen from Bob years before. She pulled her hair into a ponytail and went back to ironing and half listening to the TV grill master. Cinderella back to her scrubbing and mending …

Chapter 4

‘You look lovely,’ he said.

She looked down at the cashmere sweater her mother had snagged for her at the clothing swap. Atop black trousers and ankle boots, it made her look a bit dressed up without having to go all out. ‘My mom found it yesterday. It still had the dry-cleaning tags attached so I figured it was safe to wear.’

He touched the sleeve. ‘The colours work great with your skin tone.’

Despite the chilly weather and the cool breeze coming off the water, they’d opted for the deck. A big gust blew and Dani was grateful she’d decided to pull her hair back in a tight French braid. It blew again and her dangle earrings tinkled.

Chris grinned. ‘Human wind chime.’

The waitress, Cari according to the nametag on her sweatshirt, brought them two glasses of wine and two menus. Dani opened it but didn’t even look; she knew she’d be getting the Chicken Chesapeake. ‘So tell me. What would I do?’

He shrugged, glancing out at the water, his face lit by the softening colours of the sky – gold, pink, light blue. ‘You’d come in. I’d introduce you. You’d remove your robe. Then I’d tell you how to pose and then you just stay there. You just … model.’

Her stomach flipped as if something small and anxious lived within. ‘Utterly nude?’

Chris smiled. ‘Utterly nude. Unless the assignment calls for a drape or similar.’

‘How many nights?’

Cari the waitress returned and they ordered, Dani going with her favourite chicken, Chris opting for the surf and turf. A filet done medium rare and a crab cake. He spun his finger in the air over their drinks and smiled at the young woman. ‘And two more.’

Dani noticed that Cari lingered when taking the menu from him, making sure to brush her fingers against Chris’s.

‘I think you have an admirer,’ she teased.

He shook his head. ‘I think you’re imagining things.’

She opened her mouth to argue but he said, ‘And back to your question. I have a class that meets Monday and Wednesday from six to eight. And a Tuesday/Thursday class that meets six forty-five to eight forty-five. The first class are full-on newbies. Green as green can be. Just learning. The other class is a little more advanced. People who took my beginner class in the past and have returned. These particular courses run only three weeks. Four nights per class.’

‘So two hours a night … nude?’

‘Well, I get them set up, we go over class notes, assignments. I deal with questions and all that good stuff. So I’d say most classes you’d be in the buff maybe an hour to an hour and a half … ish.’

She took a deep breath as their new glasses returned. She’d drunk the first one way too fast because of nerves, but she took a fortifying swig anyway. ‘I feel woozy.’

‘Maybe slow down on the wine.’ He chuckled.

‘No, I feel woozy from thinking of standing there buck naked for that long.’

He touched the top of her hand, his fingertips warm despite the chill. ‘But also excited.’

She considered it. Then she nodded. ‘Yes, but excited. Oddly enough.’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ Chris said. ‘It’s a thing. It’s a risk. If you were going to rappel down a cliff face or skydive or do that thing … the line thing.’

‘Zip line?’

‘Yeah. If you were going to do that over a rushing river in the jungle, you’d have that same buzz going on. Fear mixed with excitement and adrenalin. It’s a good feeling to have,’ he said. ‘It lets you know you’re alive. And there’s very little chance you’ll fall to your death while standing naked in a room full of budding art students.’

She hung her head and laughed. ‘True. A much safer way to get that buzz.’

Their food arrived and she took a bite and rolled her eyes, making a noise of pleasure. Then she said what she was thinking the whole time. ‘And you’ll be there?’

His blue eyes widened and then she saw amusement in them. It was almost annoying. That was probably because he’d grown into such a handsome man and he made her feel on edge all by himself. ‘Yeah. I am the teacher, Dani. I will be there.’

‘And you’ll look?’ She felt the heat in her cheeks and focused utterly on her meal as if it were the most amazing thing she’d ever seen.

‘I kind of have to look,’ he said. ‘If I don’t look, I won’t know what kind of job my students are doing. Is that it? Is it me that’s holding you back?’

‘Well, no … and yes. I don’t know. It seems kind of odd you seeing me naked after all these years.’

He shrugged. ‘I’ve seen you naked before.’

‘You have not!’

‘Sure. That last summer before I went off to college. We were changing at the lake to go swimming. You went behind a tree …’

‘You looked!’ she said, mouth hanging open a little. Dani was grateful there was no food in her mouth because she couldn’t seem to close it.

‘Not on purpose at first. We had Luke with us.’

She nodded. Luke had been Chris’s yellow lab. He’d just been a puppy that summer. ‘And? So?’

‘So he took off, probably trying to get to you. I went after him and when I looked up … there you were.’

‘And you kept looking!’ She heard the squeak in her voice and hated it. It had been ages ago. So what if he’d looked.

He grinned at her. It coerced fine lines into existence around his eyes. They made him even more handsome. When had he grown up so much? Had he been this good-looking when they’d been traipsing the woods together? Swimming? Riding their bikes into town to catch a matinee or visit the ice-cream shop?

‘I was seventeen, you were beautiful. I had little self-control. I only looked for a moment. But yeah … I looked.’

‘Oh,’ she said, not sure what else to say. Then to her surprise she said, ‘And?’

Chris shook his head. ‘And what?’

‘And what did you think?’

He sat back in his chair and put his napkin in his lap. He was laughing. ‘Is that a real question?’

‘Yes.’

‘I thought you were magnificent. But Dani, I thought that before I happened to please the gods and they allowed me a glimpse of you without your clothes. I had quite a crush on you back in the day.’

She swallowed hard. Despite food and wine and the glass of iced water that sat in front of her, her throat felt as dry as a desert. ‘You did?’

‘You didn’t know?’

‘No.’

‘That’s because you were all hung up on that guy Good Wood.’

‘Gus Wood,’ she echoed derisively.

‘Whatever.’

‘I had no idea …’ She returned to her chicken, taking small bites, forcing herself to eat.

‘So, what’s the verdict?’

‘The verdict is I’ll do it. When do I start?’

‘Tomorrow night.’

‘Right away!’

‘Yes, right away. I told you I was in a bind. I needed a model. You’re now my model. Fall classes begin tomorrow. See you at six sharp.’

‘I … um …’

He just watched her. His eyes seemed to see right down into her bones. She felt more naked than naked. ‘Um?’

‘Yes,’ she finally said. ‘I’ll be there. I might need a tranquiliser to calm myself down but I’ll be there.’

‘Excellent,’ he said, touching her elbow. Just briefly, but the heat of that single touch snaked up her arm.

Now she was losing it. Getting gaga and goofy over Christopher. Her tomboy buddy. Her swim partner.

The boy that saw you naked and liked it …

She shook the thought off. Was she that desperate for approval that fifteen-year-old admiration could affect her so much? Maybe.

They spent the rest of dinner talking about their moms, the loss of their fathers, and current events. When Dani left she felt a warm glow, not all from the Cabernet; she’d forgotten how easy Chris was to talk to. It was like coming home. Talking to someone who understood you. A very comforting feeling. And a very dangerous one.

‘It’s just a job,’ she told herself as she crawled into bed. ‘Nothing more.’

Chapter 5

It wasn’t easy concentrating on her day job while anticipating her new night gig. She wandered through her day at the office in a sort of daze, trying desperately to imagine what it would actually feel like to take her clothes off and then reveal herself in front of a room full of strangers. In front of Chris – all-grown-up Chris – not young horny Chris.

‘You OK? Your cheeks are red as hell. Coming down with something?’ Cheryl, one of the physicians’ assistants, and Dani’s very best friend, stood in the doorway of her office.

‘I’m fine. Just trying to work the holiday schedule for the part-timers. It’s not easy. I do it early so people can bitch and swap and barter with their days ahead of time.’

It was the truth. The November and December part-time schedule was up on her PC and she was dragging employee names around the board. It was the world’s worst game of solitaire.

‘Want to grab lunch? Just a quickie downstairs in the cafeteria?’

Dani blew out a sigh and nodded. ‘Sure. I could use a break.’

They took the elevator down to the first floor of the medical building. The complex was like a working city of its own. In one large area they housed a tower of doctors of various kinds, a radiation centre, an imaging centre, a cancer centre, a pharmacy and a cafeteria.

Dani ordered a chef salad and Cheryl rolled her eyes. ‘Health nut. I’ll have the turkey, mashed potatoes, veg medley and cheesecake, Dolly.’

Dolly, the cafeteria manager, grinned. ‘There you go. A girl with a good appetite.’

‘Not like Bugs Bunny over here,’ Cheryl said, bumping against Dani playfully.

Normally she’d have laughed. Normally she’d have been tempted by the plate of comfort food. Today she had no appetite and didn’t want to be stuffed full of carbs and gravy when she took her clothes off.

Cheryl managed to snag a table, a true feat given the cafeteria only sported five small tables with two chairs each. ‘So what’s wrong? You look like you saw a ghost.’

‘A ghost of my much younger self,’ she retorted before she could stop herself.

Cheryl raised an eyebrow. ‘Explain.’

‘I’m going to be doing some modelling. Starting tonight.’

‘Oooooh,’ Cheryl drawled. ‘Spill.’

‘An old friend from my neighbourhood when I was growing up …’ It took some effort to swallow the lettuce she’d been chewing. ‘He’s an art teacher. And he needed a model. I ran into Chris the other day while I was out with my mom. He proposed I do the modelling. To shake things up a bit. I was telling my tale of marital woe and dating horrors.’

‘Nice. Naked modelling. Go, you.’

‘You don’t think it’s weird?’

Cheryl shook her head. She cut off a piece of turkey breast and before putting it in her mouth said, ‘Sweetie, one woman’s weird is another woman’s freedom. Not to sound too hippy-dippy but—’

Dani couldn’t help but cut her off with a laugh. Cheryl wore her generic scrubs to work every day but when she wasn’t working she was in hand-tie-dyed yoga pants, long broomstick skirts, festive colourful tunics, Birkenstocks and Buddhist beads. She was like Superman. A mild-mannered physicians’ assistant in the office, a colourful wild child outside of it.

‘Sorry,’ Dani said.

Cheryl winked at her. ‘I know. I am hippy-dippy. You have to do what’s right for you. Screw everyone else. If this calls to you, I say, do it. Shuck your clothes, strut your stuff, have an affair or three.’

‘What?’ Dani yelped. She pushed her salad away. Her appetite had fled.