Adam's Daughter

‘I didn’t know. I had no idea…’

Beth heard him take a deep breath but his voice was raw with pain and a host of things that made her eyes prickle with tears. ‘Claire never told me. She never, ever told me!’

‘I know she didn’t.’ She swung round, surprised by the need she felt to reassure him. His face was completely in shadow now but she saw the glitter of moisture on his cheeks and her heart quailed because of what else she had to tell him soon.

‘Claire decided not to tell you in that letter she sent you but…’

‘What letter?’ he demanded immediately. ‘I never received any letter.’

‘Claire wrote to you when she found out that she was pregnant,’ she said slowly. ‘She didn’t want to, but I persuaded her that she should.’

‘I never received a letter from her,’ he said, and his tone was so harsh and flat that Beth knew at once that he was telling her the truth. She shrugged, not sure what to say because this new development had shaken her. For all these years she had blamed him for not replying, suspected him of deliberately avoiding his responsibilities, yet suddenly she realised that she had been doing him an injustice. The crazy thing was how relieved she felt.

‘I don’t know what happened to it, then. All I know is that Claire wrote and asked if she could see you. She was going to tell you about the baby if she thought it was the best thing to do…’

‘What do you mean if it was the best thing to do? It was my child, damn it! I had the right to know!’

Beth heard the anger in his voice and knew that she had to find a way to explain her sister’s actions. ‘She wanted to do what was right for everyone concerned…you, the baby and herself.’

‘Really? How very good of her.’ His anger rose on a sudden wave and seemed to envelop them both. ‘What it boils down to is that she was going to sit in judgement on me, decide whether or not I was fit to be told that I had a child! How could that be right? You tell me that!’

‘Don’t! There’s no point getting angry with Claire. She didn’t do it to hurt you.’

It took just a couple of steps to reach the bench but Beth’s heart was aching when she saw how tightly his fingers were clutching the photograph. Adam was angry but more importantly he was upset and she wanted to help him understand because it might help.

‘You and Claire hadn’t planned on having a child and she didn’t want your whole life to be disrupted as a result of it. So she made the decision to try and find out how you would feel about the idea before she told you.’

‘And decided when I didn’t answer her letter that that was the end of it. It let her off the hook, didn’t it? Gave her an excuse not to contact me again. I hadn’t bothered replying so obviously I wasn’t interested. Was that what you both thought?’

She sighed, wishing that she could deny it. ‘She wasn’t to know that you hadn’t received the letter.’

‘Maybe not. But surely the possibility should have occurred to her. Claire knew that I was planning on going overseas. It wouldn’t take a genius to work out that the letter might not have reached me. She knew very well that she could have got in touch with me through my uncle, but she didn’t make any attempt to do so, did she? She conveniently wrote me out of my child’s life!’

Beth touched his hand and it felt icy despite the warmth of the evening air. ‘All I can do is repeat what I’ve just told you, that Claire did what she thought was best. You must try to believe that.’

‘It isn’t easy. All these years and I never knew that I had a daughter.’ He stared at the picture then ran his hand over his eyes. ‘I can’t seem to take it in. If you hadn’t told me, I would never have known about her…’

He stopped and she felt his hand clench on the photograph. His voice seemed to grate when he continued, vibrating along her nerves, filling her with apprehension. ‘Why did you tell me? You said that you’d spent a long time tracking me down but why now? You could have told me when your sister died, or at any point during these past seven years, but you didn’t. So why did you suddenly decide that it was time I knew about Hannah?’

Beth removed her hand abruptly. This was the really difficult part and she wasn’t sure that she could deal with it.

Only she had no choice.

‘Because Hannah desperately needs your help,’ she explained huskily, struggling to keep control of her emotions. ‘Six months ago she started being ill, you see. She was tired and listless all the time. At first I wondered if it was a reaction to Claire’s death even though she seemed to have accepted it.’

She knew that she was laying the ground, trying to lessen the shock so she continued when he didn’t say anything. ‘I was so worried about her that I took her to the doctor and he ordered some tests to be done. When the results came back they showed that Hannah had acute lymphoblastic leukaemia.’

‘God!’ He stood up and paced to the top of the steps then swung round. ‘How has she responded to treatment? I take it that she’s in hospital?’

‘Very well and, yes, she is in hospital. She’s been in St Jude’s for several months now,’ she explained quietly.

‘And what’s the prognosis? Has the consultant said what her chances are?’ he rapped out.

Beth sensed that he needed to hear all the facts to help him deal with the shock he’d had. ‘Mr Guest—that’s Hannah’s consultant—is very pleased with her. He’s confident that she’ll be in remission soon.’

‘Thank heaven for that!’ He took a deep breath and she saw a shudder run through him. ‘So what happens next?’

‘Once remission is achieved then, hopefully, Hannah will have a bone-marrow transplant. Apparently, they do that straight away nowadays once a child is in remission.’

She paused, choosing her words with care because this part was so important. ‘The problem is that the hospital hasn’t found a suitable donor for her. They’ve gone through all the usual channels and I’ve been tested, but they’ve drawn a blank. I was hoping that if I did manage to find you, you might be willing to be tested. I know it’s a lot to ask…’

She stopped when he swore under his breath. He turned back to her and the expression on his face made her tremble because it was so ferocious. Her heart turned over because she couldn’t bear it if he refused.

‘It’s her only chance, Adam! If Hannah doesn’t get this bone-marrow transplant then her chances of survival are virtually nil. Please, say that you’ll think about it.’

‘I don’t need to think about it! What kind of a man do you think I am?’ His blue eyes seemed to burn with an inner fire as he glared at her. ‘This is my child we’re talking about—my daughter. I’d give up my life if it would help her!’

‘You mean that you’ll do it? You’ll be tested?’ It was almost too much to take in. She stared at him and saw an expression of intense pain cross his face.

‘Yes. And now I want to see her. I take it that you were going to the hospital to visit Hannah, so I’ll go with you. I’ve got Uncle Jonathan’s car so I’ll drive.’

‘Oh, but…’ she began, not sure that it would be wise to rush into a meeting between the pair that night. Adam needed time to come to terms with what she had told him and she needed to prepare Hannah.

He was halfway down the steps but he stopped. ‘No buts, Beth. I want to see Hannah. I’ve missed the first six years of her life so I think I have the right to do that.’

She couldn’t argue with that and didn’t try because she knew it would be pointless. ‘All right. But I want you to understand that Hannah doesn’t know anything about you. Claire…well, Claire decided that it was better not to tell her in the circumstances.’

‘And you agreed to keep the secret, didn’t you?’ He smiled thinly. ‘You and Claire erased me from Hannah’s life but the situation is going to change from here on, believe me.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘That I intend to make up for all those lost years. Hannah needs a father. She needs me in more ways than you ever realised!’

He turned and ran down the steps and a few seconds later she heard a car starting up. She quickly locked the door and followed him, deeply troubled by what he had said.

He had a right to be angry, a right even to blame her for keeping her promise to Claire, but did he have the right to disrupt Hannah’s life? How would the child feel if she grew fond of him then he upped and left again? Chris had told her that Adam had an aversion to commitment, yet the one thing a child needed was stability. Claire must have known how Adam had felt all those years ago, which was why she had been so loath to tell him about Hannah. Could she really trust him not to break her precious niece’s heart?

She slid into the passenger seat and glanced at Adam as he put the car into gear, felt a little bubble of panic rise to the surface of her mind. Could she trust him not to break her own heart as well?

Now, where had that thought sprung from?

CHAPTER THREE

THERE WERE still a lot of parents around when they arrived at the hospital. St Jude’s had an open door policy in its children’s wards and there were few restrictions on visiting times.

Beth called in at least twice a day to see Hannah and would have gone more often if she’d had the time because she loved being with her niece. However, her footsteps slowed as they approached the doors to the ward. Adam hadn’t said a word to her on the drive to the hospital and she needed to know what he intended to do before she introduced him to Hannah.

‘Look, Adam, I know this has been a shock for you but I want you to promise me that you won’t do anything…well, hasty.’

He paused to look at her and she shivered when she caught the full force of his icy stare. ‘What you really mean is that you don’t want me to tell Hannah who I am. Isn’t that right, Beth?’

‘Yes.’ She forced herself to meet his eyes, refusing to dwell on why she felt so guilty. She had made a promise to Claire so she shouldn’t feel bad about not having told him about Hannah sooner. ‘Hannah doesn’t know anything about you. If you go in there and blurt out who you are, you’ll simply confuse her. She’s only six, Adam, and she’s been through a lot in this past year.’

‘And you really think that I don’t understand that?’ He smiled grimly when she shrugged. ‘Obviously not. After all, you know very little about me, do you, Beth? I don’t suppose you cared enough to find out. However, you can stop worrying. I think I have a bit more sensitivity than to announce to a sick child that I’m the father she never knew she had.’

She winced when she heard the anger in his voice. ‘I know this isn’t easy for you, Adam,’ she began but he curtly interrupted her.

‘Spare me the sympathy. Now, are you coming or shall I go and find Hannah by myself?’

He didn’t wait for her to reply as he pushed open the door. Beth led the way, feeling sick with nerves because she still wasn’t sure how he was going to handle this meeting. Hannah had always been shy with strangers and she’d grown even more introverted since her mother had died. Although she seemed to have accepted the nurses and doctors with whom she came into daily contact, Beth knew how quickly the little girl could clam up with someone new. Would Adam understand that and make allowances?

Beth’s nerves felt as taut as violin strings as she led the way to Hannah’s bed. The staff had tried to make the ward as child-friendly as possible by covering the walls with posters and using colourful linen on the beds rather than the regulation hospital white. However, there was no escaping from the fact that the children in there were very sick.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Adam’s head turn as they passed one child after another. Most were hooked up to drips that were pumping potent cocktails of chemicals into their small bodies. All the children in the ward had cancer in one form or another and they were treated with a vast array of drugs.

Some were designed to destroy the cancerous cells, others to protect against infection, always a major concern. Then there were the transfusions of blood and platelets they all needed at regular intervals. It could be a little overwhelming to someone visiting the ward for the first time.

‘All these kids…’ Adam took a deep breath but she could see the pain in his eyes when he looked at her. ‘I never realised that there were so many children suffering like this.’

‘It does come as a shock, even when you work in medicine,’ she agreed softly. She caught sight of Hannah and waved, feeling her nerves tighten that little bit more when she felt Adam stiffen. Without stopping to think, she caught hold of his hand and squeezed it.

‘It will be fine, you’ll see. Just don’t worry if Hannah doesn’t say much to you. She’s very shy at first with strangers.’

He winced at that and Beth could have bitten her tongue for her lack of tact. Letting go of his hand, she quickly went to the child’s bed and bent down to kiss her.

‘Hello, darling. I’m sorry I’m late. It was really busy tonight at the surgery and I got held up.’

She ran her hand lightly over the child’s head, feeling the prickle of stubble under her fingers. Hannah’s hair had fallen out because of the drugs she had been receiving. It would grow again once she had completed her treatment, but Beth still grieved for the loss of the beautiful black curls because they had been a symbol of the fit and healthy child that her niece had been once upon a time.

Now as she turned to Adam and caught the fleeting expression of anguish on his face she knew that he was remembering the photograph she had shown him earlier. What a shock it must be for him to compare that child with the one in the bed. Unconsciously, her tone softened.

‘Adam, I’d like you to meet Hannah. Come and say hello to her.’

She stepped aside so that he could approach the bed. He moved slowly, smiling at the child as he bent down and took her thin little hand in his large one and gravely shook it.

‘Hello, Hannah. I hope you don’t mind me coming to see you. Aunty Beth told me all about you, you see, and I asked her if I could visit you.’

Beth felt a lump come to her throat when she heard the tenderness in his voice. She realised that she was holding her breath as she waited to see how Hannah would respond.

‘Are you and Aunty Beth friends?’ Hannah asked, staring up at him with huge, curious blue eyes, eyes that were exactly the same colour as Adam’s were.

‘That’s right, sweetheart.’ He gave the child another warm smile and, surprisingly, she smiled back.

‘That’s OK, then,’ she said with a worldly wisdom that made them both laugh.

Adam glanced at Beth and she saw the relief in his eyes and knew that he had been as worried as she had been about this first meeting. Realising it, it helped to allay her fears so that she found herself able to relax. Adam wouldn’t deliberately do anything that might harm her precious niece.

‘So, what did you do this afternoon, poppet?’ she asked, moving a chair closer to the bed so that she could sit down. She was very conscious of Adam standing behind her, his arms folded across his broad chest as he listened while the little girl related everything she had done since Beth had seen her at lunchtime. When he shifted slightly, she found herself jumping nervously and had to force herself to concentrate on what Hannah was saying.

‘What sort of a picture did you draw, Hannah?’ Adam asked after Hannah had finished telling them about the lessons she had done that afternoon. The children were in hospital for such a long time that they had a teacher who came each day to keep them up to date with their school work. Hannah had drawn a picture that day as part of her work.

‘I’ll show you if you like,’ the little girl offered shyly. ‘See.’

She picked up a piece of paper from her bedside locker and gave it to him to look at. Beth felt her pulse leap when he leant forward to take it from the child and his arm brushed hers. She had been so keyed up before that she hadn’t noticed that he’d changed out of the clothes he’d been wearing earlier. Now she found herself drinking in the sight of his lean muscular body clad in well-washed denim jeans and a faded black T-shirt. She couldn’t help thinking how good he looked in the casual outfit, so much better than Ian had ever looked in his expensive suits.

The thought surprised her but she quickly dismissed it. She glanced at the picture that Adam was holding and laughed when she saw what her niece had drawn.

‘Is that what I think it is, young lady?’ she teased, pointing to a spot in the bottom right-hand corner of the drawing.

Adam raised his brows when Hannah giggled. ‘What’s the joke? Come on, don’t be meanies—tell me what’s so funny.’

Beth smiled as she looked at her niece. ‘This little madam keeps hinting that she wants a dog for her birthday and she doesn’t miss any opportunity to remind me about it. Every time she draws a picture she manages to sneak a dog into it somewhere!’

Adam chuckled when she pointed to a strange-looking creature in the corner of the picture. It was obvious that he hadn’t realised what it was meant to be but he tactfully didn’t say so. ‘Ah, I see. It looks like it could be a Labrador to me. When is your birthday, Hannah?’

‘Next month. I’ll be seven,’ Hannah informed him importantly.

Beth saw his face cloud over and hurriedly cut in. She knew that he must be thinking about all the years that he’d missed. ‘If anyone in the ward has a birthday the nurses give them a party. I expect they’ll give you one, too, poppet. Won’t that be fun?’

‘S’pose so,’ the child agreed wistfully. ‘But it won’t be as much fun as last year when Mummy gave me a party and all my friends from school came.’

Beth bit back a sigh because there was little she could say to contradict that. Fortunately, Rose Johnson, one of the staff nurses on the ward, came to check Hannah’s drip just then so the child was distracted.

‘That’s fine,’ Rose said when she had finished. Beth had met Rose when they’d done their training together and they had been firm friends ever since. She suspected that there had been an ulterior motive as to why Rose had chosen to check the drip at that precise moment, and she was proved right when her friend looked pointedly at Adam.

‘I see that you’ve got another visitor tonight, Hannah. Aren’t you going to introduce me?’

‘This is Adam and he’s a friend of Aunty Beth’s,’ the child explained, and for some reason Beth found herself blushing.

‘Is he indeed?’ Rose treated Beth to an old-fashioned look before she turned to smile at Adam. ‘Nice to meet you, Adam. Will we be seeing more of you around here in the future?’

Beth glared at her friend but Rose pretended not to notice. Fortunately, Adam seemed unaware of any undercurrents. ‘You can be sure of it,’ he replied evenly. ‘I shall be a regular visitor from now on.’

Rose’s brows rose. ‘Really? Well, I’ll look forward to seeing you again, then.’

Beth glared at her friend as Rose turned to leave but all she got in return was a smug smile. She sighed as she watched Rose making her way down the ward. She’d bet a pound to a penny that she knew what her friend was thinking, but Rose was wrong! Adam might have gone along with Hannah’s innocent introduction but did he really see himself as her friend? Could he ever be that when he blamed her as much as he blamed Claire for keeping the child’s existence a secret?

It was an oddly painful thought and Beth found it difficult to put it out of her mind while she chatted to Hannah. When she noticed that the child was beginning to tire, she stood up, glad to be able to bring the visit to an end. Introducing Adam to Hannah was bound to have been difficult for all of them but things should get easier from now on, she assured herself.

‘It’s time you were asleep, sweetheart. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ She bent and kissed the little girl. ‘Night-night, sleep tight. Mind the bed bugs—’

‘Don’t bite,’ Hannah finished for her, yawning widely. Her lids were already starting to droop as Beth moved away from the bed but they suddenly shot up as she looked at Adam. ‘Will you come to see me tomorrow as well, Adam?’

‘Of course I will.’ He stepped forward and after the tiniest hesitation brushed the child’s pale cheek with his lips. ‘Goodnight, Hannah. Sweet dreams.’

‘Night-night, Adam.’

Hannah’s eyes had closed before they were halfway down the ward. Adam paused by the door to look back and Beth could tell what an effort it cost him to contain his feelings.

‘She’s so tiny and frail, isn’t she? She looks as though a puff of wind would blow her away,’ he said thickly.

‘She’s stronger than you think, a real little fighter. The fact that she’s got this far is a measure of her spirit,’ she told him softly, knowing what he must be going through.

‘She still has a long way to go, though. Even if she has this bone-marrow transplant there are no guarantees that she will pull through.’

Beth heard the pain in his voice and wanted with all her heart to reassure him, but it would have been wrong to lie.

‘No, there are no guarantees but we can’t afford to think like that, Adam. We have to be positive and convince ourselves that the transplant will work.’ She shrugged when he looked at her. ‘When hope is all you have then it becomes doubly important that you never lose sight of it.’

‘It can’t have been easy for you these past months, Beth.’ He opened the door for her, stopping once again when they were out in the corridor. His blue eyes were intent as he searched her face. Beth had the funniest feeling that he was trying to look deep inside her mind and looked away, unsure why the idea disturbed her so much.

‘It hasn’t been. But it’s been much worse for Hannah. She’s the one who has lost her mother and is now fighting for her life,’ she replied huskily. She had only met Adam a few short hours ago so why should she imagine that he could read her mind?

‘But you’re the one who has had to be strong. The one who has had to live with this nightmare day after day.’ He took hold of her hands and gripped them hard. ‘Thank you, Beth. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for Hannah.’

Beth felt herself choke up and quickly withdrew her hands. ‘You’ll have me crying all over you if you keep on like that,’ she admonished with a shaky laugh. ‘And I’m quite sure that’s something you want to avoid!’

‘Heavens, yes!’ He feigned horror as he glanced down. ‘You might start crying all over this T-shirt and that would never do. The thought of the damage all those salty tears could cause sends shudders down my spine!’

Beth chuckled, grateful for his attempts to lighten the mood. ‘I can imagine. You need to be very careful with antique fabric like that.’

‘I hope that wasn’t meant as a criticism. I’ll have you know that this T-shirt is priceless. I defy you to find another one like it!’

His smile was unashamedly teasing as he started walking along the corridor. Beth felt her spirits lift when she looked at his laughing face. Maybe it was crazy, but just knowing that Adam was going to be around seemed to have taken some of the burden off her shoulders.

‘Priceless? Well, I certainly wouldn’t want to guess how much it’s worth,’ she retorted. She was still smiling as they rounded a corner on their way to the lifts and almost collided with the man who was coming in the opposite direction.

‘Oops, sorry…!’ she began then found her voice drying up when she realised that it was her ex-fiancé, Ian Patterson.

‘Hello, Beth. Fancy running into you like this,’ he said with a distinctly unpleasant smile. ‘How’s the new job going? You’re not sorry yet that you decided to leave the bright city lights behind?’

‘Not at all. I’m really enjoying working at the surgery,’ she replied stiffly. She hadn’t seen Ian for some time but the memory of what had happened between them still rankled. After Claire had died, she had taken Hannah to live with her and Ian, confident that he’d shared her desire to give the child a secure and loving home. However, it hadn’t taken her long to realise that she’d made a huge mistake.