The Fifteen Comforts of Matrimony: Responses from Men

THE FIFTEEN COMFORTS OF CUCKOLDOM

Written by a noted Cuckold in the New-Exchange in the StrandPrinted in the Year 1706To the Reader

The Town being diverted of late with a great many Comforts, several of the Gentlemen and others of the cornuted Society belonging to Horn-Fair not thinking those Comforts compleat without them of Cuckoldom, they requested me to undertake the Performance thereof, as having had some experience for many Years in Wives cokesing their Husbands in the very Moment they design'd to put a pair of Antlers on their Heads for fear of being gor'd by their Neighbours; whilst other good Wives are as often Picking their Husband's Pockets to pay now and then for a By-Blow: I have experienced those kind Wives too who are commonly upon the religious Point of going to Lectures when alas they had no other Business at Church than to meet their Gallants, who presently coaches 'em, because they dearly love Jilting. But for Brevity passing the several Dispositions of Men's Wives, as such as are Melancholly many Times for a Delay or Defeat, whilst others are preparing to make their Markets at the Play-house or Spring-Garden; or else to the Bath, when Bathing is the least part of their Errand, I shall draw to the Comforts which we enjoy by our Wives good Nature to others, which to their Fancies is sweet as Muskadine and Eggs.

The Fifteen Comforts, &cThe first Comfort of CuckoldomAs I last Night in Bed lay Snoring,I sweetly dreamt of Drinking and of Whoring,Which waking me from a most pleasant Sleep,To my dear Wife I very close did creep,And offering to give her what I shou'd,Quoth she, you Fumbler you can do no good,Give me the Man that never claps his Wings,But always Life and Courage with him brings,'Tis such an one wou'd please; but as for youIf Night and Morning some small matter do;You think you've done your due Benevolence,When I with thrice your Labour can dispence.This Reprimand my Courage soon did cool,And fearing Combing with a Three-Legg'd-Stool;I very fairly went to sleep again,And left her of my Manhood to complain.The Second Comfort of CuckoldomNo sooner had I chang'd my single Life,And had confin'd my Carcass to a Wife;But she was always Gadding up and down,To take the various Pleasures of the Town;Howe're I only reckon'd this to be,The airy Frisks of her Minority,Till shortly finding and old Hag wou'd payHer Visits oft, and take her Day by Day[*?]oad, indeed this gave me some Mistrust,That this old weather beaten Devil mustBe some Procurer, and resolv'd to watchTheir Waters, where shoul'd I the Bitches catch,But in a Bowdy-house in Milford-lane?So going in a Passion home again,At twelve at Night my Doxie likewise came,Whom I in mod'rate Terms began to blame;Telling her that old Witch with whom she went,Abroad a Days by Rogues was only sentAbout to Wheedle young and tender MaidsTo Ruine, till they turned common Jades.You Lie, reply'd my hopeful graceless Dear,I'll have you know, I'll never sin in fear,Besides for she of whom you think, Amiss,That sweet obliging Gentlewoman isA tender-hearted Bawd that ne'er made Whore,But ever us'd such as were broke before.Now finding her so bad at Seventeen,Thinks I by that time she has Thirty seen,She'll be a Whore in Grain; but by good hap,She dy'd within a year of Pox and Clap.The third Comfort of CuckoldomIt was my Fortune to be joyn'd to one,As pretty as was shined on by the Sun;For on my word her Eyes were full and gray,With ruddy Lips, round Cheeks, her Forehead layArcht like a snowie Bank, which did upholdHer natvie Tresses, that did shine like Gold;Her azure Veins, which with a well sharp'd Nose,Her whiter Neck, broad Shoulders to compose:A slender Waste, a Body strait and Tall,With Swan-like Breasts, long Hands, and Fingers small,Her Ivory Knees, her Legs were neat and clean,A Swelling Calf, with Ancles round and lean,Her Insteps thin, short Heels, with even Toes,A Sole most strait, proportion'd Feet, she goesWith modest Grace; but yet her Company,Did not a Month enjoy, before that IWas Prest for Sea, and being on the Main,For thirty Months I then return'd again,Where finding in my absence that my WifeThree brats had got, a most unchaste LifeBoth Day and Night I led the lech'rous Whore;Who seeing how I Curst, and Bann'd, and Swore,A Bag or two she shew'd me cramn'd with Gold,Which Treasure I no sooner did behold,But then I Kist my loving Wife and leapt,For very Gladness that my Horns were Tipt.The fourth Comfort of CuckoldomAbove a Year or two I always thoughtMy Wife so good that she cou'd not be naught,Till one Night coming home I caught a SparkSat in my Parlor by her in the Dark,In mighty Pet I call'd for Candles strait,Doubting that I poor Fool was come too late:T'avert the Burthen which is made to growOn such who enters into Cuckolds Row.Hower'e as I was thinking of the best,And as I nothing saw contented rest,My am'rous Wife's Gallant, before he went,Did shew enough t'encrease my DiscontentFor he wou'd slily pull her Petticoat,Nod, Wink, and put into her Hand a Note,Whisper her in the Ear, or touch her FootWith many other private Signs to boot,All which confirm'd my Jealousie the more,And made me think 'em to be Rogue and Whore,But as I knew my Wife a bawling Slut,My Horns into my Pocket did I putFor Quietness, which yet I seldom had,So I thro' Cuckoldom run really Mad.The fifth Comfort of CuckoldomWhen I poor I unto a Wife was bound,I wish I had been Bury'd under Ground,For to my Grief I found her both beforeAnd after Marriage too to be a Whore.But when I found the Beast of such a Breed,I soldier turn'd, and with a Baw'd agreedTo let her out at half a Crown a WeekWho undertook she shou'd not be too seek;For Custom, but said, she must for her pains,From th' insatiate Whore have double Gains.The Sixth Comfort of CuckoldomFinding my Wife by Whoring nothing get,But to maintain her Sparks ran me in Debt;Her Whoring gratis made me really vext,So Shop I shut, and fled to Holland next.The Seventh Comfort of CuckoldomWhile I was but into the Country gone,To give some Chapmen there the gentle DunMean time a Rubbers she with some had play'd,And in the Powd'ring Tub was quickly laid,Unknown to me, and had been secret still,But that the Surgeon bringing in his BillWhen I came Home, the Murder so came out,And still my Wife is Whore enough I doubt.The Eighth Comfort of CuckoldomA sordid Lecher coming very oldTo tempt my Spouse with Silver and with Gold,She told me of't, and said, she cou'd not fawn,On him, or's Gold, to lay her Soul in pawn.By this I thought her Honest, till my maidInform'd me shortly what Lew'd Tricks she playI Twitted then my Wife's Hypocrisie,Who Impudently did Reply to me;Old Flesh she Loath'd, as having in it leftNo Gravy, and of all it's Juice bereft,But if the Flesh was Young and to her mind,She'd to one Dish would never be confin'd.The Ninth Comfort of CuckoldomBy my Dear Wife, in turning up her TailTo bear the Threshing of her Gallant's Frail,A Groat (which always is a Cuckold's Fee)Under the Candlestick I've laid for me;Besides good Peck and Booze, so till she's Dead,She may and will Whore on to get me Bread.The Tenth Comfort of CuckoldomAs Strangers flatter'd with deceitful Snow,Fall in a Deadly Pit they do not know,So was I hamper'd in a Marriage Noose,In Marrying one that did frequent the Stews,As well as Cuckold me at Home; but sheTransacting Whoredom with great SecresieLike other Neighbours, to avoid the NameOf Cuckold, I as private hid her shame.The Eleventh Comfort of CuckoldomWhen I found Cuckolds to Encrease apace,I Marry'd one with such an Ugly FaceThat one wou'd thought the Devil wou'd but grotchSo foul a Figure as my Wife to touch;Yet being at a Friendly Club one Night,A Raskal came and Cuckol'd me for spight.The Twelfth Comfort of CuckoldomWhat signifies a Man to fret and fume,Till Grief and Sorrow makes his Flesh consumeBecause his Wife in Actions may be lightAnd to his Face will horn him Day and Night;This Comfort may alleviate his Woe,That Cuckold's without doubt to Heaven go.The Thirteenth Comfort of CuckoldomIf it's my Fate (I oftentimes would cry)To have a Wife that will play wantonly,I soon wou'd tame her, or at least I shou'dBe Hang'd for her but I wou'd make her good.But faith it is my Luck to light uponSuch Ware, that will a Caterwoulling run,And cannot help it, for to have her fullOf sport, she's run away a Soldiers Trull.The Fourteenth Comfort of CuckoldomWhen at Horn-Fair I see how ev'ry YearWhole droves of Cuckold's thither do appearThe very sight thereof wou'd make one swearThat none but Cuckolds in the Nation were;Especially if those who are not known,For Cuckolds too the Title wou'd but own,And such as are not summon'd would appear,In those Accoutrements we ought to wear,Which are our Horns, a Pick Axe and a Spade,That Paths may for our Wives be even laid.The Fifteenth Comfort of CuckledomIf that our wives will tick their Souls on Sin,Tis vain to make about their Ears a din,For that exasperates their will the more,And where in private may in publick Whore;So then the Scandal coming to all Ears,Each Neighbour will not only fling his JeersUpon us, but the Boys will hoot it too,And point their Fingers at us where we go,As if we were not come of human Blood,Because they do perceive we've Horns to bud;But to avoid so base and curst a Life,The only way's to Live without a wife.FINIS

THE FIFTEEN COMFORTS OF A WANTON WIFE: OR, THE FOOL WELL FITTED

Dedicated to the London-CuckoldsLONDON:Printed in the Year 1707THE Fifteen COMFORTS OF A Wanton WIFE, &cThe First ComfortUnhappy Man! yoak'd with a wanton Wife,The Wedding Day begins thy wretched Life.Not all the Hurry of a Married State,Can stint her Humour, make her more Sedate.She'as all the Tricks the Devil can infuseInto her Head; her Husband to abuse.Her first attempt, when once the knot is ty'd.Is how to Govern what she cannot Guide;She flatters first, and if that chance to fail,To gain her Ends a worser Method shall.Force must (where Words have no effect) ensue,It is her Humour, and it shall be so.Thus does the fright the poor mistaken Sot,To change his Breeches for a Petticoat:If Kick'd or Buffeted, he dare not move,But thinks 'tis only tokens of her Love.What she affirms (tho' diff'rent from the Sight,It must be so, she's always in the right.The Second ComfortWhen thus she'as made her silly Husband bend,She'll never let him have the upper hand.She manages Affairs, while he (poor Soul)Consents, because he's fearful to controul;Not that she will to Diligence adhere,She'll take the Pleasure, he may take the Care.Containing an unequal Dividend,His Business is to get, and hers to spend.If he's unable to supply her Lust,She'll take such care of that, another must.Her Prentice, Bully, Stallion, Foes or Friends,No matter who, if she but gain her Ends:While he's the very Subject of her Scorns,And sounds himself a Cuckold with his Horns:Yet she's so cunning, that she rails at Evil,And says, she hates a Harlot as the Devil.So have I heard a Pulpit Hector rantAt Drunkenness, as zealous as a Saint,Curse it to Hell, with trembling and with fear,Tho' 'twas a Vice he seldom cou'd forbear.So she derides the thing she fancies best,And Damns the Sin she harbours in her Breast.The Third ComfortNext comes a little Bantling to Town,Which the unthinking Cuckold calls his own.'Tis like him too, as ever it can stare,The midnight Gossips then do all declare.His very Picture; every one do cry,His Mouth, his Lips, his Chin, his Nose and Eye.They tell him this, and he believes it too,Tho' it was gotten by the Lord knows who.Yet this Advantage from it he doth draw,He reigns chief Master, while she's in the Straw.But when she rises, all his Power must cease,And with it too, his Comfort and his Peace.Her Tongue's compounded of all sorts of ill,Given to lie, but seldom lying still.You Rogue (quoth she) where has your Rakeship been?These Thirty days your Honest Wife lay in?Here, Rock the Child, while I go take the Air,I won't be stifled up no longer here.The Fourth ComfortAway she flings, and leaves him with her Brat,And goes from House to House to Drink and Chat,Finds out a Cully to her Lustful Mind,And makes a Bargain with him to be kind.From time to time she has such freaks as these,And turns an errand Strumpet by degrees.Yet blinds her Husband with this wild Excuse,She goes to see an Aunt behind the Meuse.And if he blames her, thus for staying late,He is in danger of a broken Pate.So that he's forc'd to stay at home to Rock,While his Leud Wife is wasting of his Stock.This course of Life for many years she leads.And wallows in her lustful wicked deedsThus are her teeming years in Folly spent,In Clamour, Self-conceit, and Discontent.Impetuous in her ways; abruptly bold,The worst of Whores, yet must not be controul'd.The Fifth ComfortThe Husband all this while concludes her Chaste,And little thinks she spends his Wealth so fast,'Till Pocky Pains begins to smart below,Then mildly asks her if she made him so?At which she swears, and bold'y starts this Whim,That she had catch'd the Foul Disease of him:Which strange Retort, makes him suspect the Crime,She had concealed from him so long a time.The Sixth ComfortHe tells her of her Faults, and mildly says,Dear Wife 'tis got by going thus to Plays.To which she answers, like a Cunning Jilt,It is the very cause of this my Guilt,But take my Word, I ne'er did so before.Nor never while I live, do so no more.With feigned Tears, and with a Judas Kiss;She said (My Dear) I own I have done amiss.But if you'll Pardon me this very time,I'll for the future loath so vile a Crime.The Seventh ComfortThe Man o're-joy'd to hear such Words as these,From her, he hardly ever yet could please.In loving Terms, embrac'd her in his Arms,And said, his chief delight was in her Charms.Besides he added, if she would be Chaste,He'd freely Pardon'd her for what was past.All seeming Friendship now's afresh renew'd.On promise she wou'd ne'er again be Leud.With Tears and Kisses, (Woman like) she Fawns.And asks his Pardon on her Marrow-bones.The Eighth ComfortThe Cunning Jilt, she being thus forgiven,Next studdies how to make her Ballance even.That is to please her Husband and her Friend,And all this while a Vertuous Wife pretend.At last she makes a League with John her Man,And thus afresh her Wickedness began,By subtle Arts, more cautious than before,She pleas'd her Husband, yet was still a Whore.The Ninth ComfortThus seeming Prudence, when 'tis ill apply'd,It makes the Breach more dangerous and wide.For tho' it may at first appear more bright,And something dazling to a weaker light.Yet being view'd with more discerning thought,What seem'd real good, is found to be stark nought.For this base Woman grows from bad to worse,And proves her Husband's Plague, as well as Curse;Consumes his Stock, on some sad Lustful Knave,And makes her Spouse a Cuckold and a Slave.The Tenth ComfortThe Sport's still carry'd on, but under-hand,She seems the Chastest Wife in all the Land,Oh! how she blames her self for former Deeds,And says her Heart within with Sorrow bleeds.Which he believes, because she sheds some Tears,And frees his Mind from Sorrow grief and Cares.She Apes the Saint, by framing Modest Look,Tho' perfect Devil in a Private Nook.Deceives her Husband with her cunning Wiles,And Cheats his Scenses with her feigned Smiles.The Eleventh ComfortExtreamly fond the Cuckold hugs his Choice,Well pleas'd to think the Whore has left her Vice,Gives her fine Cloaths, and Money what she craves,Which she as freely spends on Rogues and Knaves.Her private Stallion now will not suffice,Her Lust encreases as her Favours rise,New Faces Charm the roving Brimstone Jilt,And with each Beau she acts new fancy'd Guilt.When time and place her wickedness denies,She feeds her thoughts with her lascivious eyes.The Twelfth ComfortYet all this while the Husband thinks his WifeIs Penitent, and leads a Virtuous Life.Because she fawns and flatters Night and Day,He can't believe she'll ever go astray.No Cost he spares to satisfie her Pride, }But makes her equal with the loftiest Bride, }While Watch of Gold hangs dangling by her side. }He strains his Pocket to maintain her high,And freely let's his Gold and Silver fly.Nay, sells his Lands, her Honour to defend,And thus is ruin'd by his Bosom Friend.The Thirteenth ComfortShe thus goes on and spends his Wealth so fast,That he begins to think of what is past.Takes notice of her Visits out of Town,And wonders where she's Coach'd so up and down,Enquires of John (who now seems Jealous too)And asks him what he thinks his Wife will do.The Servant's vext, but dares not yet disclose,Not half the Truth of what he really knows.Yet being willing something to impart,Declares he's very sorry at his Heart.To think how much she daily spends in Waste,And adds, he doubts, she is not over Chaste.But shak'd his Head, as if 'twas spoke in jest.And left his Master to find out the rest.The Fourteenth ComfortThe Matter having wisely took the hint,Begins to fear there may be something in't.But still unwilling, to expose her shame,He is resolved to tell her of the same.Next Night he took occasion thus to say,My Dear, pray tell me, where you've been to Day.I hope (says she) you'll not be Jealous now,D'ye think I'll damn my self to break my Vow?I'd have you know I scorn the thing you fear,Of such foul Deeds my Conscience now is clear.But this I tell you for your further ease,Where I have been, I'll go when e'er I please.Do you think I'll be kept in like a Drone,While others reap the Pleasures of the Town.No Faith, I'll never yield to such hard Fate.To be confin'd; is what I always hate.The Honest Husband hearing what she said.He stood amaz'd, but yet no Answer made.He plainly saw his Ruin coming on,His own Disgrace, and all his Money gone.He now believes what he wou'd not before, }His Pious Wife is still a Brimstone Whore, }Who made him Cuckold, and confounded Poor. }The Fifteenth ComfortThus wanton Wives are Plagues beyond compare,The Devil's Nets, poor Mankind to ensnare.His Traps to catch a Heedless Sinner in,His Instruments to tempt a Saint to Sin.His curst Decoys to bring Destruction on,And make a Man despair when all is gone.His Factors here on Earth, to Trade in Vice,His Catch-poles to betray us in a trice.His Vermine to consume our very Food;His Leeches to suck out our Precious Blood.His Wolves in Sheeps Apparrel to us sent,To Rob and Spoil us of our true content.His Toads to Poison Soul and Bodies too.And send to Hell more than's the Devil's due.FINIS