30 DATES TO LOVE

Naomi Sherman

30 DATES TO LOVE

30 DATES TO LOVE

Naomi Sherman

A practical guide to dating, choosing, and the man you want to continue your journey with

INSTEAD OF A PREFACE

We are used to thinking that love begins at first sight. Sometimes a few seconds really are enough to feel attraction. But attraction tells you nothing about how a person will behave a month later, what will happen during the first conflict, whether he knows how to keep his promises, or whether he is capable of building a life together with another person.

First impressions show emotion. Time shows the person.

That is why this book does not begin with the question, “How can I make him fall in love?” It begins with another question: “Who am I getting to know?”

The thirty dates here are not necessarily meetings with thirty different men. They are thirty consecutive stages of getting to know someone. Sometimes the whole journey can be taken with one person. Sometimes the story ends after the first meeting. Sometimes it takes several months to understand what seemed obvious at first.

There is no need to rush.

Dating is not a competition in which you have to become a couple as quickly as possible. It is an opportunity to gradually discover whether two people match not only in attraction, but also in their ideas about life.

At the beginning, it is easy to fall for a voice, a smile, appearance, confidence, or beautiful words. It is much harder to see the whole person.

How does he treat people who have nothing to offer him?

What happens to him when plans fall apart?

Can he admit when he is wrong?

How does he spend his free time?

What does he consider important?

How does he talk about his past?

How does he respond to your independence?

The answers rarely appear in one evening.

So we will not rush love.

First, we will get to know each other.

PART ONE. THE BEGINNING

Chapter 1. The Date Begins Before the Meeting

Getting to know someone does not begin when you sit down at a restaurant table.

It begins with the first contact.

Even through messages, you can notice a lot: how interested a person is in a conversation, whether he asks questions, remembers what you have said, knows how to keep a conversation going, and is able to move from endless chatting to a concrete invitation to meet.

But messaging has one particular feature: it allows each person to show only the part of themselves they choose.

So do not build a relationship with messages.

Use messages only to move toward a real meeting.

If a man spends months telling you how special you are but constantly avoids making concrete plans to meet, what matters is not the number of compliments but the absence of action.

Interest should gradually become reality.

Chapter 2. Don't Turn a Date into an Interview

Sometimes a woman arrives at a date with a long internal checklist.

Do I look beautiful?

Am I talking too much?

Did I seem too available?

Should I have answered differently?

Did he like my joke?

But a date is not an exam that only you have to pass.

You are choosing too.

You are sitting across from someone you still know very little about. So instead of immediately trying to earn his approval, try to be curious.

Not “How can I make him choose me?”

But:

“What will I learn about him today?”

That small change completely changes a woman's position on a date.

You stop proving your worth and start getting to know someone.

Chapter 3. Your Life Should Not Wait for a Relationship

When a new man appears, it is very easy to quietly change your entire routine.

You constantly check your phone.

You move appointments.

You cancel plans.

You fall asleep thinking about his messages.

You wake up wondering whether he has written.

But while the person is still almost a stranger, your imagination may already give him an enormous place in your life.

Continue living your life.

Work.

See your friends.

Travel.

Do the things you enjoy.

Not to appear independent.

But because a relationship should enter an existing life, not replace it.

Chapter 4. Describe the Life, Not the Man

Sometimes a woman says she wants a tall, successful, wealthy, handsome, confident, and generous man.

But behind those characteristics there may be no answer to the most important question:

“How do I want to live beside him?”

Imagine an ordinary Tuesday.

You wake up in the morning.

Where does each of you go?

What does the evening look like?

How do you relax?

How do you make decisions?

How do you spend vacations?

How do you handle money?

How much time do you spend together?

Does each of you have your own interests?

These details help you understand what you truly want.

Not the image of a man from a dream.

But the life you want to build.

Chapter 5. What Do You Want to Learn?

You do not need to find out everything about a man in just a few meetings.

Every relationship should have its own natural pace.

Today you learn about his attitude toward work.

Another day — his idea of relaxation.

Later — his view of family.

Even later — his attitude toward conflict.

This is how information gradually comes together.

There is a useful rule: do not make a final conclusion when you do not yet have enough facts.

The phrase “He is definitely like that” often means that your imagination has already finished the story before reality has.

PART TWO. THE FIRST DATES

Chapter 6. Date No. 1. Curiosity

The first date does not have to create a storm of emotions.

Sometimes a strong impression appears immediately.

Sometimes a person reveals himself gradually.

The main thing is to notice your own reaction.

Do you want to continue the conversation?

Are you interested in what he thinks?

Do you want to know him better?

Or are you already waiting for the moment when you can leave?

Do not call it love.

Call it a first impression.

After the Date

Answer in writing:

What did I like?

What remained unclear?

What made me cautious?

What do I want to learn at the next meeting?

Chapter 7. Date No. 2. The Art of Conversation

The second meeting allows you to see how a person communicates once the first tension has eased a little.

Does he ask questions, or is he only waiting for a chance to talk about himself?

Does he remember details from your previous conversation?

Does he interrupt?

Does he listen to the end?

Can he change his mind?

Can he calmly admit that he does not know something?

Conversation is not simply an exchange of information.

It is a small model of future intimacy.

If a person is interested only in his own voice, over time it becomes noticeable not only in a restaurant, but at home too.

Chapter 8. Date No. 3. Attitude Toward Time

Time cannot be returned.

That is why a person's attitude toward it can tell you a lot.

There is no need to count minutes of lateness or keep a table of messages.

Look at the overall picture.

Does he make plans in advance?

Does he warn you when something changes?

Does he respect your plans?

Does he suggest a specific time?

Does he try to find a solution that works for both of you?

This is not a test of perfection.

Everyone has delays and unexpected situations.

What matters is not perfection, but the attitude toward agreements.

Chapter 9. Date No. 4. His Interests