Snarleyyow, or, the Dog Fiend

But we must not only leave Short and his companions in the Lust Haus, but the widow and the lieutenant in their soft dalliance, and now occupy ourselves with the two principal personages of this our drama, Smallbones and Snarleyyow.

When Smallbones had retired, with the empty bread-bags under his arm, he remained some time reflecting at the porch, and then having apparently made up his mind, he walked to a chandler's shop just over the bridge of the canal opposite, and purchased a needle, some strong twine, and a red-herring. He also procured, "without purchase," as they say in our War Office Gazettes, a few pieces of stick. Having obtained all these, he went round to the door of the yard behind the widow's house, and let himself in. Little did Mr Vanslyperken imagine what mischief was brewing, while he was praising and drinking the beer of the widow's own brewing.

Smallbones had no difficulty in finding out where Snarleyyow was confined, for the dog was very busy gnawing his way through the door, which, however, was a work of time, and not yet a quarter accomplished. The place had been a fowl-house, and, at the bottom of the door, there was a small hatch for the ingress and egress of these bipeds, the original invention of some thrifty spinster, to prevent the maids from stealing eggs. But this hatch was closed, or Snarleyyow would have escaped through it. Smallbones took up his quarters in another outhouse, that he might not be observed, and commenced his operations.

He first took out the bottom of one bread-bag, and then sewed that on the other to make it longer; he then ran a string through the mouth, so as to draw it close when necessary, and cut his sticks so as to support it and keep it open. All this being arranged, he went to where Snarleyyow was busy gnawing wood with great pertinacity, and allowed him not only to smell, but to tear off the tail of the red-herring, under the door; and then gradually drew the herring along until he had brought it right under the hatch in the middle, which left it at the precise distance that the dog could snuff it but not reach it, which Snarleyyow now did, in preference to gnawing wood. When you lay a trap, much depends upon the bait; Smallbones knew his enemy's partiality for savoury comestibles. He then brought out his bag, set up his supporters, fixed it close to the hatch, and put the red-herring inside of it. With the string in one hand, he lifted up the hatch with the other. Snarleyyow rushed out and rushed in, and in a moment the strings were drawn, and as soon as drawn were tied tight round the mouth of the bag. Snarleyyow was caught; he tumbled over and over, rolling now to the right and now to the left, while Smallbones grinned with delight. After amusing himself a short time with the evolutions of his prisoner, he dragged him in his bag into the outhouse where he had made his trap, shut the door, and left him. The next object was to remove any suspicion on the part of Mr Vanslyperken; and to effect this, Smallbones tore off the hatch, and broke it in two or three pieces, bit parts of it with his own teeth, and laid them down before the door, making it appear as if the dog had gnawed his own way out. The reason for allowing the dog still to remain in prison, was that Smallbones dared not attempt anything further until it was dark, and there was yet an hour or more to wait for the close of the day.

Smallbones had but just finished his work in time; for the widow having been summoned to her guests in the Lust Haus, had left Vanslyperken alone, and the lieutenant thought this a good opportunity to look after his four-footed favourite. He came out into the yard, where he found Smallbones, and he had his misgivings.

"What are you doing here, sir?"

"Waiting for you, sir," replied Smallbones, humbly.

"And the dog?" said Vanslyperken, observing the strewed fragments of the door hatch.

"He's a-bitten himself out, sir, I believe."

"And where is he, then?"

"I don't know, sir; I suppose he's gone down to the boat."

Snarleyyow hearing his master's voice, had commenced a whine, and Smallbones trembled: fortunately, at that moment, the widow's ample form appeared at the back-door of the house, and she called to Mr Vanslyperken. The widow's voice drowned the whine of the dog, and his master did not hear it. At the summons, Vanslyperken but half convinced, but not daring to show any interest about the animal in the presence of his mistress, returned to the parlour, and very soon the dog was forgotten.

But as the orgies in the Lust Haus increased, so did it become more necessary for the widow to make frequent visits there; not only to supply her customers, but to restrain them by her presence; and as the evening wore away, so did the absences of the widow become more frequent. This Vanslyperken well knew, and he therefore always pressed his suit in the afternoon, and as soon as it was dark returned on board. Smallbones, who watched at the back-door the movements of his master, perceived that he was refixing his sword-belt over his shoulder, and he knew this to be the signal for departure. It was now quite dark, he therefore hastened to the outhouse, and dragged out Snarleyyow in the bag, swung him over his shoulder, and walked out of the yard-door, proceeded to the canal in front of the widow's house, looked round him, could perceive nobody, and then dragged the bag with its contents into the stagnant water below, just as Mr Vanslyperken, who had bidden adieu to the widow, came out of the house. There was a heavy splash–and silence. Had such been heard on the shores of the Bosphorus on such a night, it would have told some tale of unhappy love and a husband's vengeance; but, at Amsterdam, it was nothing more than the drowning of a cur.

"Who's there–is it Smallbones?" said Mr Vanslyperken.

"Yes, sir," said Smallbones, with alarm.

"What was that noise I heard?"

"Noise, sir? Oh, I kicked a paving-stone into the canal."

"And don't you know there is heavy fine for that, you scoundrel? And pray where are the bread-bags?"

"The bread-bags, sir? Oh, Mr Short took them to tie up some vegetables in them."

"Mr Short! O, very well. Come along, sir, and no more throwing stones into the canal; why you might have killed somebody–there is a boat down there now, I hear the people talking." And Mr Vanslyperken hastened to his boat, which was waiting for him; anxious to ascertain if Snarleyyow, as he fully expected, was in it. But to his grief and disappointment he was not there, and Mr Vanslyperken sat in the stern sheets, in no pleasant humour, thinking whether it was or was not a paving-stone which Smallbones had thrown into the canal, and resolving that if the dog did not appear, Smallbones should be keel-hauled. There was, however, one more chance, the dog might have been taken on board.

Chapter IX

A long chapter, in which there is lamentation, singing, bibbing, and dancing

It may readily be supposed, that the first question asked by Mr Vanslyperken, on his gaining the quarter-deck, was, if Snarleyyow were on board. He was received with the military salute of Corporal Van Spitter, for Obadiah Coble, having been left commanding officer, had given himself leave, and, with a few men, had joined Dick Short and the first party at the Lust Haus, leaving the corporal as the next senior officer in charge. The answer in the negative was a great mortification to Mr Vanslyperken, and he descended to his cabin in no very good humour, and summoned Smallbones. But before Smallbones was summoned, he had time to whisper to one or two of the conspirators–"He's gone." It was enough; in less than a minute the whisper was passed throughout the cutter. "He's gone," was sibilated above and below, until it met the ears of even Corporal Van Spitter, who had it from a marine, who had it from another marine, who had it from a seaman, who–but it was, however, soon traced up to Smallbones by the indefatigable corporal–who considered it his duty to report the report to Mr Vanslyperken. Accordingly he descended to the cabin and knocked for admission.

In the meantime Vanslyperken had been venting his ill-humour upon Smallbones, having, as he took off from his person, and replaced in his drawers, his unusual finery, administered an unusual quantity of kicks, as well as a severe blow on the head with his sheathed cutlass to the unfortunate lad, who repeated to himself, by way of consolation, the magic words–"He's gone."

"If you please, sir," said Corporal Van Spitter, "I've discovered from the ship's company that the dog is gone."

"I know that, corporal," replied Vanslyperken.

"And, sir, the report has been traced to Smallbones."

"Indeed!–then it was you that said that the dog is gone–now, you villain, where is he?"

"If you please, I did say that the dog was gone, and so he is; but I didn't say that I knew where he was–no more I don't. He's runned away, and he'll be back to-morrow–I'm sure he will."

"Corporal Van Spitter, if the dog is not on board again by eight o'clock to-morrow morning, you will get all ready for keel-hauling this scoundrel."

"Yes, mynheer," replied the corporal, delighted at having something to do in the way of punishment.

Smallbones made up a lachrymal face.

"It's very hard," said he; "suppose the dog has fallen into the canal, is that my fault? If he's a-gone to the bottom of the canal, that's no reason why I'm to be dragged under the bottom of the cutter."

"Yes, yes," replied Vanslyperken, "I'll teach you to throw paving-stones off the wharf. Leave the cabin, sir."

Smallbones, whose guilty conscience flew into his pallid face at the mention of the paving-stones, immediately made a hasty retreat; and Vanslyperken turned into his bed and dreamt of vengeance.

We must now return to the Lust Haus, and the party on shore; and our first task must be, to give the reader an idea of what a Lust Haus may be. It is, as its name imports, a resort for pleasure and amusement; and in this respect the Dutch are certainly very much in advance of the English, who have, in the pot-houses and low inns resorted to by seamen, no accommodation of the kind. There is barely room for Jack to foot it in a reel, the tap-room is so small; and as Jack is soon reeling after he is once on shore, it is a very great defect. Now, the Lust Haus is a room as large as an assembly-room in a country-town, well lighted up with lamps and chandeliers, well warmed with stoves, where you have room to dance fifty reels at once, and still have plenty of accommodation at the chairs and tables ranged round on each side. At the end of the room is a raised chair, with a protecting railing, on which the musicians, to the number of seven or eight, are posted, and they continue during the evening to play when requested. The people of the Lust Haus furnish wine and spirits of every description, while cakes, nuts, walnuts, oranges, &c, are supplied from the baskets of numerous young women who hand them round, and press their customers to purchase. Police officers superintend these resorts to remove those who are violent, and interfere with the amusements of others. On the whole, it is a very gay scene, and is resorted to by seamen of all nations, with a sprinkling of those who are not sailors, but who like amusement, and there are plenty of females who are ready to dance with them, and to share their beer or grog. Be it further known, that there is a great deal of decorum in a Lust Haus, particularly among the latter sex; and altogether it is infinitely more rational and less debasing, than the low pot-houses of Portsmouth or Plymouth.

Such was the place of amusement kept by the Frau Vandersloosh, and in this large room had been seated, for some hours, Dick Short, Coble, Jansen, Jemmy Ducks, and some others of the crew of his Majesty's cutter Yungfrau.

The room was now full, but not crowded, it was too spacious well to be so. Some sixteen couples were dancing a quadrille to a lively tune played by the band, and among the dancers were to be seen old women, and children of ten or twelve: for it was not considered improper to be seen dancing at this humble assembly, and the neighbours frequently came in. The small tables and numerous chairs round the room were nearly all filled, beer was foaming from the mouths of the opened bottles, and there was the ringing of the glasses as they pledged each other. At several tables were assemblages of Dutch seamen, who smoked with all the phlegm of their nation, as they gravely looked upon the dancers. At another were to be seen some American seamen, scrupulously neat in their attire, and with an air distinguee, from the superiority of their education, and all of them quiet and sober. The basket-women flitted about displaying their stores, and invited every one to purchase fruit, and particularly hard-boiled eggs, which they had brought in at this hour, when those who dined at one might be expected to be hungry. Sailors' wives were also there, and perhaps some who could not produce the marriage certificates; but as these were not asked for at the door, it was of no consequence. About the centre of the room, at two small tables joined together, were to be seen the party from the Yungfrau: some were drinking beer, some grog, and Jemmy Ducks was perched on the table, with his fiddle as usual held like a bass viol. He was known by those who frequented the house by the name of the Manikin, and was a universal object of admiration and good-will. The quadrille was ended, and the music stopped playing.

"Come now," said Coble, tossing off his glass, "spell oh!–let's have a song while they take their breath. Jemmy, strike up."

"Hurrah for a song!" cries Jemmy. "Here goes."

Jemmy then tuned one string of his fiddle, which was a little out, and accompanying his voice, sang as follows: all those who were present immediately keeping silence, for they were used to Jemmy's melody.

Twas on the twenty-fourth of June, I sailed away to sea,I turned my pockets in the lap of Susan on my knee;Says I, my dear, 'tis all I have, I wish that it was more,It can't be helped, says Susan then, you know we've spent galore.You know we've spent galore, my Bill,And merry have been we,Again you must your pockets fill,For Susan on your knee.

"Chorus, my boys–"

For Susan on my knee, my boys,With Susan on my knee.The gale came on in thunder, lads, in lightning, and in foam,Before that we had sail'd away three hundred miles from home;And on the Sunday morning, lads, the coast was on our lee,Oh, then I thought of Portsmouth, and of Susan on my knee.For howling winds and waves to boot,With black rocks on the lee,Did not so well my fancy suit,As Susan on my knee.Chorus.–With Susan on my knee, my boys,With Susan on my knee.Next morning we were cast away upon the Frenchman's shore,We saved our lives, but not our all, for we could save no more;They marched us to a prison, so we lost our liberty,I peeped between the bars, and sighed for Susan on my knee.For bread so black, and wine so sour,And a son a-day to me,Made me long ten times an hour,For Susan on my knee.Chorus--For Susan on my knee, my boys,For Susan on my knee.One night we smashed our jailer's skull and off our boat did steer,And in the offing were picked up by a jolly privateer;We sailed in her the cruise, my boys, and prizes did take we,I'll be at Portsmouth soon, thinks I, with Susan on my knee.We shared three hundred pounds a man,I made all sail with glee,Again I danced and tossed my can,With Susan on my knee.Chorus.–With Susan on my knee, my boys,With Susan on my knee.

"That's prime, Jemmy. Now, my boys, all together," cried Obadiah Coble.

Chorus.–Very good song, and very well sung,Jolly companions every one;We are all here for mirth and glee,We are all here for jollity.Very good song, and very well sung,Jolly companions every one;Put your hats on to keep your heads warm,A little more grog will do us no harm.

"Hurrah! now, Bill Spurey, suppose you tip us a stave. But I say, Babette, you Dutch-built galliot, tell old Frank Slush to send us another dose of the stuff; and d'ye hear, a short pipe for me, and a paper o' baccy."

The short, fat Babette, whose proportions all the exercise of waiting upon the customers could not reduce, knew quite enough English to require no further explanation.

"Come, Jemmy, my hearty, take your fingers off your fiddle, and hand in your pot," continued Coble; "and then if they are not going to dance, we'll have another song. Bill Spurey, wet your whistle, and just clear the cobwebs out of your throat. Here's more 'baccy, Short."

Short made no reply, but he shook out the ashes and filled his pipe. The music did not strike up again, so Bill Spurey sang as follows:–

Says the parson one day, as I cursed a Jew,Do you know, my lad, that we call it a sin?I fear of you sailors there are but few,St Peter, to heaven, will ever let in.Says I, Mr Parson, to tell you my mind,No sailors to knock were ever yet seen,Those who travel by land may steer 'gainst wind,But we shape a course for Fidler's Green.For Fidler's Green, where seamen true,When here they've done their duty,The bowl of grog shall still renewAnd pledge to love and beauty.Says the parson, I hear you've married three wives,Now do you not know, that that is a sin?You sailors, you lead such very bad lives,St Peter, to heaven, will ne'er let you inParson, says I, in each port I've but one,And never had more, wherever I've been;Below I'm obliged to be chaste as a nun,But I'm promised a dozen at Fidler's Green.At Fidler's Green, where seamen true,When here they've done their duty,The bowl of grog shall still renew,And pledge to love and beauty.Says the parson, says he, you're drunk, my man,And do you not know that that is a sin?If you sailors will ever be swigging your can,To heaven you surely will never get in.(Hiccup.) Parson, you may as well be mum,'Tis only on shore I'm this way seen;But oceans of punch, and rivers of rum,Await the sailor at Fidler's Green.At Fidler's Green, where seamen true,When here they've done their duty,The bowl of grog shall still renew,And pledge to love and beauty.

"Well reeled off, Billy," cried Jemmy Ducks, finishing with a flourish on his fiddle, and a refrain of the air. I don't think we shall meet him and his dog at Fidler's Green–heh!"

"No," replied Short, taking his pipe from his lip.

"No, no, Jemmy, a seaman true means one true in heart as well as in knowledge; but, like a blind fiddler, he'll be led by his dog somewhere else."

"From vere de dog did come from," observed Jansen.

The band now struck up again, and played a waltz–a dance new to our country, but older than the heptarchy. Jansen, with his pipe in his mouth, took one of the women by the waist, and steered round the room about as leisurely as a capstern heaving up. Dick Short also took another, made four turns, reeled up against a Dutchman who was doing it with sang froid, and then suddenly left his partner and dropped into his chair.

"I say, Jemmy," said Obadiah Coble, "why don't you give a girl a twist round?"

"Because I can't, Oby; my compasses arn't long enough to describe a circle. You and I are better here, old boy. I, because I've very little legs, and you, because you havn't a leg to stand upon."

"Very true–not quite so young as I was forty years ago. Howsomever I mean this to be my last vessel. I shall bear up for one of the London dock-yards as a rigger."

"Yes, that'll do; only keep clear of the girt-lines, you're too stiff for that."

"No, that would not exactly tell; I shall pick my own work, and that's where I can bring my tarry trousers to an anchor–mousing the mainstay, or puddening the anchor, with the best of any. Dick, lend us a bit of 'baccy."

Short pulled out his box without saying a word. Coble took a quid, and Short thrust the box again into his pocket.

In the meantime the waltz continued, and being a favourite dance, there were about fifty couples going round and round the room. Such was the variety in the dress, country, language, and appearance of the parties collected, that you might have imagined it a masquerade. It was, however, getting late, and Frau Vandersloosh had received the intimation of the people of the police who superintend these resorts, that it was the time for shutting up; so that, although the widow was sorry on her own account to disperse so merry and so thirsty a party as they were now becoming, so soon as the waltz was ended the musicians packed up their instruments and departed.

This was a signal for many, but by no means for all, to depart; for music being over, and the house doors closed, a few who remained, provided they made no disturbance, were not interfered with by the police. Among those who stayed were the party from the Yungfrau, one or two American, and some Prussian sailors. Having closed up together,

"Come," cried Jemmy, "now that we are quiet again, let's have another song; and who is it to be–Dick Short?"

"Short, my boy, come, you must sing."

"No," replied Short.

"Yes, yes–one verse," said Spurey.

"He never sings more," replied Jemmy Ducks, "so he must give us that. Come, Short."

"Yes," replied Short, taking the pipe out of his mouth, and wetting his lips with the grog.

Short stay apeak was the anchor,We had but a short minute more,In short, I no longer could banker,For short was the cash in my store.I gave one short look,As Poll heaved a short sighOne short hug I took,Short the matter cut I,And off I went to sea.

"Go on, Dick."

"No," replied Short, resuming his pipe.

"Well, then, chorus, my boys."

Very good song, and very well sung,Jolly companions every one;We all are here for mirth and glee,We all are here for jollity.Very good song, and very well sung,Jolly companions every one;Put your hats on, and keep your heads warm,A little more liquor will do us no harm.

"Now then, Jemmy Ducks, it's round to you again. Strike up, fiddle and all."

"Well, here goes," said Jemmy Ducks.

The captain stood on the carronade–first lieutenant, says he,Send all my merry men aft here, for they must list to me:I havn't the gift of the gab, my sons–because I'm bred to the sea,That ship there is a Frenchman, who means to fight with we.Odds blood, hammer and tongs, long as I've been to sea,I've fought 'gainst every odds–but I've gained the victory.That ship there is a Frenchman, and if we don't take she,'Tis a thousand bullets to one, that she will capture me;I havn't the gift of the gab, my boys, so each man to his gun,If she's not mine in half an hour, I'll flog each mother's son.Odds bobs, hammer and tongs, long as I've been to sea,I've fought 'gainst every odds–and I've gained the victory.We fought for twenty minutes, when the Frenchman had enough,I little thought, said he, that your men were of such stuff;The captain took the Frenchman's sword, a low bow made to he,I havn't the gift of the gab, Mounsieur, but polite I wish to be.Odds bobs, hammer and tongs, long as I've been to sea,I've fought 'gainst every odds–and I've gained the victory.Our captain sent for all of us; my merry men, said he,I havn't the gift of the gab, my lads, but yet I thankful be;You've done your duty handsomely, each man stood to his gun,If you hadn't, you villains, as sure as day, I'd have flogged each mother's son.Odds bobs, hammer and tongs, as long as I'm at sea,I'll fight 'gainst every odds–and I'll gain the victory.Chorus--Very good song, and very well sung,Jolly companions every one;We all are here for mirth and glee,We all are here for jollity.Very good song, and very well sung,Jolly companions every one;Put your hats on to keep your heads warm,A little more grog will do us no harm.

"Now, Coble, we must have yours," said Jemmy Ducks.

"Mine! well, if you please: but half my notes are stranded. You'll think that Snarleyyow is baying the moon: howsomever, take it as it is."

Oh, what's the use of piping, boys, I never yet could larn,The good of water from the eyes I never could disarn;Salt water we have sure enough without our pumping more,So let us leave all crying to the girls we leave on shore.They may pump,As in we jumpTo the boat, and say, "Good-bye;"But as for men,Why, I say again,That crying's all my eye.I went to school when quite a boy, and never larnt to read,The master tried both head and tail–at last it was agreedNo larning he could force in me, so they sent me off to sea,My mother wept and wrung her hands, and cried most bitterly.So she did pump,As I did jumpIn the boat, and said, "Good-bye;"But as for me,Who was sent to sea,To cry was all my eye.I courted Poll, a buxom lass; when I returned A B,I bought her ear-rings, hat, and shawl, a sixpence did break we;At last 'twas time to be on board, so, Poll, says I, farewell;She roared and said, that leaving her was like a funeral knell.So she did pump,As I did jumpIn the boat, and said, "Good-bye;"But as for meWith the rate A B,To cry was all my eye.I soon went back, I shoved on shore, and Polly I did meet,For she was watching on the shore, her sweetheart for to greet,She threw her arms around me then, and much to my surprise,She vowed she was so happy that she pumped with both her eyes.So she did pump,As I did jumpTo kiss her lovingly,But, I say again,That as for men,Crying is all my eye.Then push the can around, my boys, and let us merry be;We'll rig the pumps if a leak we spring, and work most merrily:Salt water we have sure enough, we'll add not to its store,But drink, and laugh, and sing and chat, and call again for more.The girls may pump,As in we jumpTo the boat, and say, "Good-bye;"But as for we,Who sailors be,Crying is all my eye.

"Bravo, Obadiah! now one more song, and then we'll aboard. It won't do to bowse your jib up too tight here," said Jemmy; "for it's rather dangerous navigation among all these canals–no room for yawing."